YIvis - The king commands E4 (English subs)
Episode 4 of the comedy show with YIvis on Norwegian TV, airing in fall/ winter 2019
English subs and translation by Esther Roday
English subs and translation by Esther Roday
Transcript
00:31Welcome to Kongen befaler
00:33The show where I give some of Norway’s best comedians a hand full of extremely ambitious tasks
00:39Which they’ll solve with their best or worst capability and the totalised winner after 10 shows will get a bust in gold of me
00:52First of all, we will of course introduce the gang who will go through the fire. Welcome Vegard Ylvisåker,
01:00Maria Stavang
01:02That is Bård Ylvisåker, this is Siri Kristiansen and this is Calle Hellevang- Larsen
01:11Welcome everyone
01:18And next to me sits, as always, Olli Wermskog – Yes
01:23You’re not making much of yourself usually, hopefully you won’t today either. But you can in any case tell us what the 1st task is, because that is your job after all
01:30Yes, it’s my job to do the job you ask me to do. And in the 1st task you asked the participants to bring something
01:36Which they want to put into the prize pot which the winner of tonight’s show can take home to keep
01:43And what is the topic today? – The topic today is that I asked the participants to bring something you didn’t think you needed
01:51But which you now love. Should we maybe start then? Let’s see, we’ll start with Bård
01:57What did you bring for the pot? – I brought a boring thing – Boring thing -But it meets the demands
02:02I never thought I’d like such a stupid thing as a dandelion picker
02:08I have 2 at home – You have? Because it’s not that stupid
02:13It is, because they don’t work – Yes, they do. Then you’re doing it wrong – No
02:18You don’t pick enough of the root. I would say it works one of ten times
02:23Yes, that’s the times I use it
02:28He's at work, he's at work -Nice, great start. Shall we continue…
02:36whom should we choose? Should we choose Vegard?- Let’s see, it’s this thing here
02:45Oh, that kind of thing? -Yes, it’s that kind of thing – Is that where you put a piano in
02:51No, this is a portable sauna
02:57Wow- And I got it for my last birthday, thus my 30th birthday – You only see things like that in Donald Duck
03:04Yes, you can say that – You’re saying that this covers a demand for you? -Yes, because it makes it possible to extend the bathing season somewhat
03:11You just take a coil with extension cord with you. I’m not kidding right now
03:17Two extension cords – Under water? – I’m imagining a lot of people laying on the beach enjoying themselves and sunbathing and you’re sitting inside of that thing
03:24Not at the beach, but… -Many people will be happy about this
03:28Now the smell hit me – Yes, it’s me baby
03:34We continue with Maria, what did you bring? – I brought something that changed my life
03:40Is it alcohol?
03:48This is too heavy – I got from my mom and dad as a birthday gift
03:55Is that true? – Yes – And what I think is so fun about it is that many put it on their forehead
04:01Do many people do that? – Amongst others I do it – Like a unicorn in a way? - Yes, because it’s fun and ‘boys’ temper’
04:06but what people don’t know is that there is a vacuum. So, you get the biggest hickey on your forehead – Come on
04:14So, everyone who goes home from my place goes with a heavy hickey -But you got it from your mom and dad, can I say Hi to them? – They’re in jail – They’re in jail?
04:24Okay, things have happened here. Okay, next one. Siri, what did you bring?
04:30I brought a thing that… well, only Maria and I can use it
04:37This is a towel turban
04:39Because… I use it every time I shower. I put it on back here and turn it around with hair inside
04:46And fixate it in the back instead of using an extra towel for it – So useful
04:51And I use it…. I use it 3- 4 times a week
04:58Today there’s no reason to win – No, there isn’t. No reason to win
05:06Look at this crap you brought – It’s trash – It’s not the dream pot
05:12I hope Calle brought a car – Calle, what can you do to improve the pot we have today?
05:18I brought… an outside clothes drying rack
05:27That’s fantastic – There it is – This is totally…
05:32You just want to enjoy yourself while the birds sing and hang some clothes -It says something about the standard here that this is today’s winner
05:40It is? -Yes, because I decided that this is today’s winner – And the rest?
05:47And actually, the only reason… the only reason that he wins is that I know that it’s so unhandily to bring here
05:55You put some effort into this task since it’s a bit troublesome – Its’s weird to be at the train with this, too
06:02Yes, you get the 2nd place because you got it from your mom and dad
06:07Apart from that, you know what, we put the sauna on the 3rd place and the dandelion thing is good enough but second to last for it, though
06:14And that’s because I have 2 of them and don’t think they work very well
06:20What should we do, what should we do Siri? Only one place left for you, which one was it again?
06:26Yes, it’s the last place – Yes, now you distributed all the points, we can take a look at the score board up there
06:33We already know that Calle is leading but we can look at it – It’s impossible behind that clothes rack
06:38Wait a it, I can fold it in – Wow, today’s winner
06:46Fantastic. Well, then we can just continue with more task solving, right Olli? – Yes
06:53Today I think that…
06:55We should start with a somewhat more complicated brain activity which requests a bit extra activity from the participants’ grey matter, what do you think Olli? – Yes
07:04we have a classic task which requires to think somewhat outside of the box
07:08First and foremost because the task involves a box and it involves thinking as well and
07:14And standing outside of the mentioned box – Be a bit careful with your wordplays. A bit careful you should be
07:37Put this triangle brick into the box through the hole -The fastest wins. Time starts now
07:43Okay, through the hole? – Which hole?
07:46Okay, that doesn’t work – This can’t work. Into the box through the hole… through the hole
07:56Yes, here the task is easy. The participants have a big green brick and it has to be put into a green box with a small hole
08:04I’m looking forward – That’s good. Should we start with Calle, maybe? Yes – Okay – Like this
08:14The best thing would be to cut this into smaller triangles. One way or another
08:28Yes, that’s what needs to be done. One here and one here
08:35It’s a lot of thinking. A lot of thinking and a lot of planning
08:39So, those who are watching, you can just turn off the TV, because it’s boring to watch
08:45I don’t give a damn if you’re turning it off. I don’t give a damn at all
08:50There. So, you get 4 triangles which fit exactly into this hole
09:02Do we have hammer?
09:16Done. Was there another way of doing this?
09:26I can say how much time he needed – Yes you can do that – He needed, let’s see 14 minutes and 56 seconds
09:32Very good – That remains to be seen
09:35You need about 15 minutes for all the tasks you solve. You’re consistent
09:40If that’s good or bad, we’ll see now. Here are Bård’s, Maria’s and Siri’s solutions
09:48This is tight. I will look closer at this one here. It looks as if it’s completely glued
09:55So, I can’t downsize it
10:00This is a solid devil. Is it completely solid? That’s crap
10:04Then I will rather try this one
10:13Is this a buzz saw? An automatic buzz saw? It’s… yuck, a spider
10:19I never tried something like this before. So, should I just…?
10:27If I now just…
10:38I don’t manage to deliver funny comments. I’m just extremely mad at the whole task
10:43Do you want to participate in a show, it’s going to be pretty cool? Okay, yes, cool
10:48I can participate, Atle Antonsen… goddam guy. I’m probably last
10:55I do everything wrong and there’s actually a simple solution. You could just take off the lid
11:01It’s not a problem, this task. I just now understand how frustrating it was when you were 2 years old
11:07And your parents were just standing there like: Are you going to put this in there? I can’t do it with my mental capabilities, okay?
11:16The only thing I have is aggression. Atle Antonsen, bogus!
11:33Dad is coming home late from work today because he had to stop at Vinmonopolet (government-owned alcoholic beverage retailer) and buy everything they have
11:43I’m stopping the time
11:45If Maria Stavang, a petite and sweet little 14.5-year-old girl or whatever
11:50Solved this task faster than me, I have to move to another country
12:12Done
12:14That was all
12:22I’ll remember…
12:25I’ll remember that you didn’t stop because you didn’t have the last shivers in there
12:31I was so angry – Yes, I noticed that. It was meant as a mentally demanding task, but most of you solved it with a hammer and an axe
12:39Do you solve crosswords with axes, or what…? – If there is a smart solution for this, I don’t know how I’ll react
12:46I can reveal as much as the brick was too big for the hole – It was, yes it was
12:52But the hole was… - It would have been sad seeing that this wasn’t true
12:57No, but let’s continue with the points – Siri, you solved it within 4 minutes
13:03That’s better than 15 minutes – We can say it at once, everyone solved the task – Yes
13:0814-year-old Maria, apparently, solved it within 3 minutes and 20 seconds and Bård
13:14How much time did you need? – I think everyone did very well
13:18You needed 28 minutes
13:25Okay- Very good
13:27Dear Good – Dear God -That was a solid workout – You know what, my body hurt so much for one week afterwards
13:34I think that 28 is coming along to be the funniest number so far in the show
13:40They haven’t shown yours yet and you’re going to be smug like: I did this task when I was in the military
13:46That’s what’s coming now, so you must shut up - We will see Vegard – I hope so - Now it’s you turn - I’m shutting up
13:52Okay, I just have to make the hole bigger
14:12Thanks. Bye – Bye
14:21That wasn’t bad – I have to say, it seems that you chose the same method as many of the others
14:27But you did it a lot better
14:29But a much lower entertainment level – Yes, I’m disappointed that I didn’t come up with something clever
14:36I didn’t have time, I had loads of comments waiting, but I didn’t have time for it -You went for winning – Yes – Is that a correct solution? – When is a hole a hole?
14:44Put the brick through this hole. That’s not this hole, it’s a different hole
14:48No, it’s the same when you have a baby in your belly, right? And then the belly gets a lot bigger
14:55But it’s the same belly – Yes, that’s… - Have you thought about that sometimes?
15:00It also applies for the hole since it also gets a lot bigger – Yes, and it’s actually way too small to get a baby out
15:06But it comes out from time to time – Vegard’s time
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undefined:undefinedthis has to be moved over there within 10 minutes?
16:44Huh?
16:48Can I ask, Calle, was is totally impossible to understand this task?
16:53Yes…
16:57You just didn’t get it? – Plain and simple. I had a blackout – It will be very exciting to watch, I think
17:05Do you have some suggestions about who should start, or should we have some commercials first?
17:17Welcome back to Kongen befaler, we are ready for a birthday party, Olli -Yes, you thus set the wrong table for your daughter’s birthday
17:25That’s very unfortunate, but luckily these 5 capable
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undefined:undefinedsmart solution, Vegard – Thanks, but it was a bit slow
20:47It was slow, yes it was –- Yes, it was - Let’s watch the next party fixer, Calle – Yes
20:54Then I have to go into the garage, one moment
21:04What are you doing, Calle? – I’m just fixing some things
21:09How far is it? It’s very far. And we have little time for this task here – Yes
21:17 I think
21:22I’m totally disappointed with myself now. It’s not long enough. I just had to check that it wasn’t long enough
21:29I don’t manage to come up with something now. This will be totally fine
21:41It’s going to be so heavy at the end
21:49There
22:25You have 20 seconds to do something with the jelly
22:32That must be a fast operation
22:38Yes – Time’s over, drop everything you have. Drop it
22:46Should I just go? – Yes
22:52Is there something, in retrospect, you think you could have done better? – Everything
22:58There’s something about that – Should we see how Siri and Bård solved it – Siri and Bård
23:03Are you allowed to go to the other side? – Yes, but I won’t do it
23:07I have to stand here, but what about you? – I can stand wherever – Then you can go over there with the things No – No?
23:13You can just say no? – Yes
23:16If I manage to loosen the fence, can I move it? – No – No
23:20So, it’s not allowed to move the fence and it’s not allowed to move the table, either? – I haven’t said that
23:28That’s exactly what you said – No – What are you thinking?
23:32I would like the table to come here – Come on
23:37There has to be one or another… I don’t see it. I need to have to table over here
23:42And it doesn’t help to talk to either the table or you
23:49Hi… you were so nice to come to daddy? – Time’s running
24:01It doesn’t work
24:22Is this long enough to reach the table?
24:26Yes, Siri. Why didn’t you do that right away? There we go
24:38Atle’s daughter will never know anything about this
24:43Well, the table wasn’t that crooked before – I have to win this
24:51Happy? – I’m very happy
24:544 children called and said they have a stomach flu, so they aren’t coming
24:59So, we just make it nice for those who are coming
25:04There will be more cake for them
25:09Time’s up. Time’s up – No, no, is that true?
25:12I could have gotten one more minute, so I could have carried this one cake over there -That’s how it is – It doesn’t look that bad
25:27My 29-year-old daughter will be very happy about that
25:33I’m so surprised that no one ate something
25:36We ate before we arrived – We have food at home
25:40What is there to say when distributing points? You chose the same tactic, you and Bård
25:48Not totally conducted identically, maybe. You get the last place, Siri
25:53I’m so sorry, it must be said
25:55Aside from that it’s very difficult, it’s very close. Calle, you get second to last
26:04Yes, great – You’re welcome. I knew you would appreciate it
26:08It’s exciting to decide who’s worst of the two of you, so
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undefined:undefinedsuch a fail and end up on a 2nd place?
26:32Think about the mastery-feeling I get – I know, but the winner is Bård
26:41Thanks for coming – Siri – Question
26:45I’m just wondering if you can ask your daughter if she’d rather like a bowl candy no one has touched
26:50Or if she’d like juice someone spit across the fence – If she’ll celebrate this birthday?
26:56I’m just so hung up on that cake which was so successful. There was so little that was successful. Therefore we have to take the small victories that are there
27:04There were pretty varied challenges today, I think, but a bit too little discomfort
27:10A bit too little pain. That’s what I like to see – Yes, I noticed that on you. So, there will be more discomfort and pain in the next task
27:33Something exciting you came up with today? Don’t blink, time starts in 30 seconds from now
27:39Don’t blink, time starts in 30 seconds from now - Don’t blink, time starts in 30 seconds from now
27:47Calle can surely fool his body. I think he has a body that doesn’t listen to what is normal
27:54I’m sorry – Was it me? – Thus, here it’s a about going as long as possible without blinking
28:00Plain and simple, some might say – Yes, and Siri had a lot of faith in Calle
28:06Maybe we start with Calle – Yes, why not
28:1010 seconds left. Whichfunction does blinking have? It’s to water the eyes? Can you get water and a spray bottle?
28:17Can you get that? – 3, 2, 1 and go
28:26What counts is saving as much energy as possible
28:32Is there some half-blinking going on? It’s only the one eye
28:37I’m not able to control this
28:43Is this strange? It’s only this eye, right?
28:49You have blinked – Yes, but it doesn’t say anything if it’s about one or both eyes
28:57For how long did I manage? – How do you think you did? – Awful
29:04I think that Siri is the one best at blinking
29:08Best at blinking? – No, at not blinking. She always seemed like a psychopath to me
29:17That was fun
29:21Isn’t it fun to see how much faith you have in each other?
29:24Is there a hidden compliment in there?
29:27Calle, it didn’t last for hours – It didn’t last for minutes, either – No, it didn’t last for minutes
29:34You’re not good at that – I can’t do this. I have to get better at his – Have you tried it before? - Never
29:41Did you hope you weren’t blinking when you stood there like this?
29:45Why didn’t you stop? – It felt like I didn’t blink. I see now very clearly that I blinked
29:51But if you had used your eye to see with it,
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undefined:undefinedwill, because we’ll watch some commercials first
31:01Welcome back to Kongen befaler and we will continue with the task that got the name ‘don’t blink’
31:06And we will watch the three remaining ones? – Yes, we can do that, it’s Vegard, Maria and Bård
31:126, 7, 8, 9 – Is that allowed?
31:25What is the definition of blinking? That they (the eyelids) meet, or can you go like this
31:33Are you with me? – No one else can have thought of this technique
31:40If I go like this, I can feel that I blink
31:45This is going to be Ivo Caprino- thing (Norwegian film director and writer). This isn’t so bad. You just have to stop blinking
31:51You are Finnish, aren’t you? – Yes – So, you speak Finnish? – Yes -I kind of have faith that I’m able to speak gibberish- Finnish pretty well – Yes
32:01*Conversation in made-up Finnish*
32:17The last word was a Finnish word – It was? – Yes – What was it? – Christmas – Christmas? – Yes
32:23Now I’m starting to see double and I’m feeling a bit sick
32:27This here is a meta-task. It’s not about keeping your eyes open. It’s about enduring
32:36I’m sitting here. Thoughts are coming. Self-hate is starting to rush in
32:45Eat you
32:54I’m not doing anything today, or tomorrow. No family waiting for me
32:58Hi, how long until I
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undefined:undefinedtime you performed on stage, but…
33:18I’m feeling that it’s starting to burn a bit – Everyone has to do stuff today
33:26You have stuff to do today, right? – Yes – So, for how long should I continue – Up to you
33:32Yes, but I’m just trying to commit to some kind of deal here
33:36Well, you’re not getting any benevolence from my side – No?
33:43*Gibberish Finnish*
33:45Shall we see what happens if I take away my hands? I think I will do it
33:54I think I’m a natural. This is the world’s most boring party trick. Hey, would you like to watch me not blink for 20 minutes?
34:02I seriously have to go home at some point to make dinner
34:15So, there’s the psychopath, yes. Not only one psychopath, but three
34:22I was totally sincere about my son having his first performance in hip hop. So, I was realising it a bit
34:28Shall I stand here with open eyes any longer now? – Speaking of realising, Siri and Calle?
34:36I sincerely think that we came best out of this task after seeing this – On a personal level, maybe
34:42I would say so. But it’s not over yet – Not at all. You so far managed 20 impressive and scary minutes
34:49So, let’s skip to 21 minutes
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undefined:undefinedstand being slightly worse than someone
35:25You understand that, right? – So, I’m leaving then. *Made-up Finnish*
35:41My problem now is, that it’s zero stress
35:44It doesn’t cost me a calorie except for it being unjustifiably boring. But I have to leave now, kind of
35:52Without wanting to give up. Maybe I can get a small camera and we continue filming?
36:28Did I pay? – Yes – Would you like a receipt? – No, thank you
36:33Thanks
36:42There, ladies and gentlemen, I’m at home at my house
36:47And I have to continue my day. I don’t know how much time I managed, but I think it was longer than the 10 minutes I thought I’d manage
36:55And if that’s not enough to win, I will be as sad as I now look, but I’m not
37:02I’m actually very happy, but my eyes spoilt it due to this very stupid task
37:08Thank you very much, have a nice weekend. Here comes the blink
37:22That’s crazy
37:26For how much time did he manage? – Let’s just say that Maria first…
37:31She gets the 3rd place with 21 minutes and 42 seconds, Vegard as number 2 with 37 minutes
37:3837? – 37 minutes, that’s damn long – Totally crazy – Bård, you said
37:43As long as I don’t get edged out. You managed that very well with 2 hours and 47 minutes
37:54That’s madness!
38:02That’s nice
38:04It’s totally bizarre to praise someone for something like this. You must have a diagnosis
38:11I am curious myself as well, because something has to be wrong
38:17But there was nothing wrong, however, the next day it went wrong, in a way
38:22I saw… I saw double on both eyes for one and a half day, I’m not kidding
38:27I opened one eye the next day when I woke up, I saw double on one eye I thought: That’s not good
38:32And then I opened the other eye and saw quadruple – You saw
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undefined:undefinedquestion. That cleared it up. Ready? 3, 2, 1
39:54Look here. Look here, yes. Tactics are used
40:0110 seconds have passed
40:07Oh, look there. 10 seconds left
40:165, 4, 3, 2, 1 and
40:29This, I want to say, went surprisingly well for several of you
40:34But keep your hats on and sit down on your seats. Then we will elect a winner
40:46Yes, now you can start emptying your hats. And we start with you, Calle
40:52Bend forward, so we can see what you have in your hat. Let them roll onto the floor, then we can see what you have. 1, 2, 3. 3
41:03Siri. Oh, that’s zero? – I think so. It feels like it – You think so? Zero, then
41:12Bård
41:15That was only one. Well, okay, Maria. Let us see
41:21There you go. Wow, 4. 4, we have a new leader
41:27And then Vegard, let us see in the end – Zero, zero
41:31Yes, this is exciting, it actually is. We have… 1, 2, 3, 4, 5. Jeez – No!
41:42No! – 5 points – Thus, we congratulate Vegard with today’s victory, you go home with a bunch of things you didn’t know you needed, but now you’ll love that you have them
41:50Be so kind and go and sniff, sniff in your prizes
41:54This is the totalised score after 4 shows, but there are many tasks left
41:59So nothing is decided yet, see you next week