How to Escape Abusive Parents _ Nouman Ali Khan
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00:00In relation to one of your recent posts dedicated to your parents, I love that post.
00:04You mentioned something along the lines of treating your parents with ihsan as the bare minimum.
00:09What do we do if caring for a palliative parent feels like it's never good enough,
00:14despite the reality we'll never be able to repay them?
00:17Really, really important question.
00:18Even if I don't get to answer any other question, I think this is valuable enough to kind of dig into.
00:25A lot of people come up to me with questions about their parents.
00:28And I didn't put this in my post. I put in my post what I appreciate about my parents,
00:32what I love about them, and how blessed I am to have them.
00:35But there are lots of people, guys, that come up to me and they tell me about terrible experiences with their parents.
00:42I mean, I have been witness to parents that have been, at minimum, psychologically abusive, verbally abusive.
00:51I've heard about parents that are physically abusive, sexually abusive.
00:55I've seen all kinds of things, and it's hard to even hear sometimes that parents can do that.
01:01And first, you know, if I was to... I mean, I'm afraid to write something like that
01:05that would put a sour taste in everybody's mouth as they read it.
01:09But I do want to say, for parents like that, that are abusive, you know, you should be ashamed of yourselves.
01:15Allah gave you an honor greater than so many other creations on this earth.
01:20And He only gave you that honor because you take care of your children, you raise them.
01:24Quran says,
01:26They ensured my growth.
01:28So your part was, as a parent, you ensured that they grow well, that they're taken care of,
01:32that their needs are provided for, that they're protected, that they're safe.
01:35When you took that safety away from them, when you took their dignity away from them,
01:39when you humiliated them, when you abused them, when you hit them,
01:42when you did these things to them that put them down, that made them feel worthless,
01:47then you have taken this huge honor that Allah gave you, and you have abused it, and you've mutilated it.
01:53That's a crime, that's a grand, grand crime.
01:55I'm not even talking to the kids, I'm talking to those parents.
01:58That's something you, I don't know how you'll answer Allah.
02:01And then on top of doing all of those crimes, you have the audacity to turn to those kids that you've abused,
02:07and then say, you better be good to me because Allah says,
02:09وَبِالْوَالِدَيْنِ إِحْسَانًۭا
02:11That is not how that works.
02:13That is not how that works.
02:15We have to be, and I'll dig into that ayah because that expression is really important.
02:19Ihsan means to do your very, very best.
02:22Please listen to this carefully.
02:23This is an important concept that is not very commonly talked about.
02:27If you have, for example, somebody came to me today and said they have divorced parents.
02:32So mom and dad live in two different houses, she's the only daughter.
02:35And when I'm spending time with mom, I feel bad because I feel like I'm abandoning dad.
02:39When I'm with dad, I feel bad that I'm not with mom.
02:42Mom makes me feel guilty when I'm with dad.
02:44Dad makes me feel guilty when I'm with mom.
02:46And I'm torn on both sides, and you're supposed to be the best to your parents.
02:49How am I supposed to achieve this balance?
02:51Take a step back and understand something.
02:53The word Ihsan means the very best that you can do.
02:57The very best that you can do.
03:00In that situation, when you identify dad, these are the times that I'm going to spend with you.
03:05And that's the best I can do.
03:07Mom, here's the time that I can give you because I have work, I have school, I have these other responsibilities.
03:12Here's what I can give you.
03:13This is the best that I can do.
03:15Even after that, when they're giving you guilt trips and making you feel like you're worthless and all that.
03:20If you can turn to Allah and say, this is the best that I can do.
03:23Ya Allah, and you know.
03:24You know that that's the best that I can do.
03:26Then that's fine.
03:28In one case, when a parent is extremely abusive.
03:33And just being in their company is harming you.
03:35It's literally harming you.
03:37Physically, emotionally, in some other way, it's harming you.
03:40Then being away from them and keeping a safe distance from them is the best that you can do.
03:45There's nothing better that you can do.
03:47So ihsan is actually relative to each situation.
03:50Allah did not put one standard on all of us for what we can do for our parents.
03:55Sometimes people don't understand that in every relationship, even in the parental relationship, there are boundaries.
04:03There are some things that if you don't draw a line, people will keep taking more and more from you.
04:09For example, if you have friends that make fun of you and you never say anything.
04:14Then they'll insult you more the next time, then more, then more, then more.
04:17You never drew a line.
04:18The same way with your parents.
04:20Sometimes they ask for your time.
04:22They say, hey, I need your help.
04:23Then you go and help.
04:24No, now I want you to do this.
04:25Now I want you to do this.
04:26Now I want you to do this.
04:27And you say, but dad, I have to get to work.
04:29Or mom, I have to get to school.
04:31Or I have an assignment to finish.
04:32Or I have this, or I have that.
04:33No, that's not important.
04:34What, are you not going to listen to your parents?
04:36وَبِالْوَالِدَيْنِ يَحْسَنَ
04:37You know, and then you shut up and you just do what they told you.
04:40Developing resentment towards them.
04:42Eventually you're going to burn out.
04:43You're going to disrespect them.
04:44You're going to stop talking to them.
04:46Crazy things are going to happen.
04:48How do you avoid all of that?
04:49Take a step back and say, mom, I want to help.
04:52This is the day that I can help you.
04:54This is how much time I can give you for help.
04:56And I cannot do anymore.
04:57And even if she complains and cries and says,
04:59you're the worst daughter ever, the worst son ever in the universe.
05:02It's okay.
05:03You drew a line.
05:05And once you stick with that line,
05:07then the next time that line will be respected.
05:09In the beginning, it will feel like torture.
05:11But then they will learn to respect that line that you respectfully drawn.
05:15You haven't drawn an abusive line.
05:16You have drawn a reasonable line.
05:19And that has to happen in every relationship.
05:21With your kids, with your parents, with your spouse, with your friends, with work.
05:24Any relationship, it's important to draw boundaries.
05:27And respectfully draw those boundaries.
05:29But by the way, once you draw a line and you say,
05:31hey, mom, I want to help.
05:33But I don't like when you say these, these, these things.
05:36They're very hurtful.
05:37Don't say them.
05:38If you say them, then I'm going to leave.
05:40But then she says them and you don't leave.
05:42You know what you've done?
05:44You better not cross this line or else.
05:47Then they cross that line.
05:48Then you draw a new line and say,
05:49hey, okay, okay, this new line.
05:51You better not cross this one or else.
05:53And then they cross that one.
05:55You know what you're teaching them?
05:56There is no line.
05:58There is no boundary.
05:59This is a really serious problem many of us have in all of our relationships.
06:03That we don't know how to draw a line.
06:05And that has to happen even with our parents.
06:07Respectfully.
06:08With the best possible intention.
06:10With the most loving, caring words.
06:12With the most consideration.
06:13But this has to happen.
06:15Otherwise, you'll just end up in miserable relationships.
06:17Not just with your parents.
06:18In every relationship, you're going to be miserable.
06:20May Allah protect you from that kind of misery.