How to deal with difficult parents _ Nouman Ali Khan
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00:00You stopped them from damaging themselves.
00:02Huh? You're going to teach me Islam?
00:05After everything I did for you?
00:07That's Bir al-Walidayn.
00:08You stopped them from doing something wrong.
00:10First, people raise their hand, and when they get picked,
00:12they're like, oh my God, I got picked.
00:13Why are you...
00:15I wasn't expecting it, because I was in the back.
00:21So...
00:22Assalamu alaikum.
00:24Wa alaikumussalam.
00:26My question would be, I don't know if
00:28it's a complicated one or...
00:30But my question is,
00:32what would your definition of
00:34Bir al-Walidayn as
00:36introduced in the Quran would be?
00:39Well, that's a whole lecture.
00:41I know.
00:42Yeah.
00:43Maybe.
00:44Just the elevator version of my answer is
00:46it depends on your situation.
00:49Bir al-Walidayn for Ibrahim alayhis-salam is different
00:52than Bir al-Walidayn for like
00:54Rasulullah alayhis-salam.
00:56And it's different for Yaqub alayhis-salam.
00:58And, you know,
01:00the thing is, Ibrahim alayhis-salam
01:02was the best to his father,
01:03but the father wasn't the best to him, was he?
01:05And Allah says,
01:06صاحب هما في الدنيا معروفا
01:08Stay with them.
01:09But Ibrahim alayhis-salam,
01:10did he stay with them or did he leave?
01:12No, because the words are
01:13صاحب هما في الدنيا
01:14There's one more word there.
01:16معروفا
01:17In a way, that's dignified.
01:19And the معروفا can also mean
01:21they're dignifying you,
01:22and you're also dignifying them.
01:24But if they're not able to give you
01:26common decency,
01:28then you're not obligated to stay there.
01:30You understand?
01:31So there are situations where
01:33there are parents that are abusive.
01:35And there are situations
01:36where children are abusive.
01:38They just are.
01:39And we have to be
01:41self-aware enough to know
01:43where we find ourselves.
01:45Am I not giving the right to my parents?
01:47They have some basic rights
01:49that I'm supposed to give them.
01:50I'm supposed to treat them
01:51the best that I can.
01:52I'm supposed to be patient with them
01:54in their old age.
01:55All of that, I am supposed to do.
01:57But if my father starts cheating
01:59somebody in business,
02:00he's not.
02:01My dad's great.
02:02But if he started cheating somebody,
02:04hypothetically, your dad, not my dad.
02:05Okay, if your dad started
02:06cheating somebody in business,
02:08I should say,
02:09No, dad, stop cheating somebody in business.
02:12Don't make me call the cops on you,
02:14because I will.
02:15Because the Prophet ﷺ says,
02:17Help your brother,
02:18whether they are the wrongdoer
02:19or the oppressed.
02:22How do you help the wrongdoer?
02:23By stopping them from doing wrong.
02:25I'm going to stop you, dad.
02:27You can't cheat in business.
02:29You can't hit mom.
02:30No.
02:31No, you're not going to hit mom.
02:32Nope.
02:33That's not going to happen.
02:34Not on my watch.
02:35I'm your father.
02:36Yes, you are.
02:37You're not going to hit mom, though.
02:39That's not going to let it happen.
02:42You stopped him from doing something wrong.
02:44Your mom likes to talk about
02:46the other side of the family a lot.
02:48Your dad's side of the family.
02:50She's got a lot to say
02:51about your other cousins,
02:52and their wedding,
02:53and this mom stopped ghibah.
02:55Huh?
02:56You're going to teach me Islam?
02:58After everything I did for you?
03:00Yeah.
03:01Stop doing it.
03:02I love you, though.
03:03I'll give you a hug.
03:04But not this.
03:06That's birr al-walidayn.
03:08Birr al-walidayn means
03:09you're good to them.
03:10Being good to someone sometimes
03:12also means
03:13you stop them from damaging themselves.
03:20You