This week's top TV includes: Strictly Come Dancing, Celebrity SAS: Who Dares Wins, My Mum, Your Dad, A Very Royal Scandal, The Yorkshire Vet and This Morning (gurning)
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:00Why is your dog crying?
00:02Literally, why is your dog crying?
00:05Raffi, where is he? He's crying at the front door. What's wrong? What's wrong?
00:18No, here we go. They've got him. Oh, what you doing? Oh, she's a chicken nugget.
00:25Isn't it embarrassing Merlin?
00:28Oh, kiss. Oh, that's a bit forward. This is raunchy, isn't it?
00:32Bring on the delves.
00:34Who's in for the finger this week, isn't it?
00:37He's so bad, it's actually good. It's actually good. What just happened?
00:42Siri, call Ofcom. In the week a mini tornado hit Luton, we enjoyed lots of great telly.
00:51A fresh set of shiny celebs dazzled on Strictly.
00:57In my heart, the smile is open, open door.
01:02Go compare, go compare.
01:05He's got a twin and all, his brother does it. Has he? Yeah. He has him, that's him.
01:11He does both of them. Oh, I thought he had a twin.
01:19Oh, freaking hell. I thought he was a twin.
01:23It's the same person.
01:27So oblate.
01:30The Labour Party conference was fixated by freebies.
01:34She is also defending her declarations over a stay at a donor's apartment in New York.
01:40I always get confused when they mention the word donor because I'm always thinking of kidney donors.
01:45You know what I'm thinking when they say donor? What? Donor kebab.
01:50Did someone give her a donor kebab and would that have been illegal, Mary?
01:55That's the key question at this conference.
01:58And special forces were on the hunt for new recruits on Channel 4.
02:02The only way these celebrities are going to find their potential
02:06is to make their lives a living hell.
02:09There isn't going to be an easy way out.
02:11I'm already thinking about quitting running.
02:14You're not. I am. You're not.
02:17I don't want to go for that 5K tomorrow.
02:19It's too hard. I don't have time. I can't be arsed.
02:22I've had enough now.
02:30In North London...
02:32I feel like I've been away for a whole week and so much around the house has changed.
02:37Dad's gone and messed up the whole bathroom.
02:39Yeah, a lot has happened.
02:41...sisters Amira and Amani.
02:43One thing about me is when I move out of my house,
02:46everything's getting done by a professional.
02:48I ain't calling them up and saying,
02:49Everything's getting done by a professional.
02:51I ain't calling Dad for nothing.
02:53No DIY?
02:54No DIY. When I said to him, like,
02:56oh, yeah, I'm still looking for houses and stuff,
02:59and then he was like to me,
03:00oh, yeah, when you move out, yeah,
03:01I'll come fix up the place for you, whatever you need.
03:04Anything needs installing, I'll be there, don't worry.
03:06And I said...
03:07I'm all right.
03:08I'm OK, thank you.
03:10Put those tools to rest, please.
03:12All right, Peter, your repair skills.
03:15He used to be better before. He's just too old now.
03:18Yeah, 100%.
03:20On Saturday night, the ballroom bonanza was back
03:24as the celebs took to the floor for the first time.
03:27Oh, don't spill it on Meg.
03:29Do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do.
03:32Do-do-do-do-do-do.
03:40We love a bit of Strictly in this house.
03:42We do, we do!
03:44Do-do-do-do-do. Some more than others.
03:46I'm excited.
03:50Oh, it's Chris. Oh, I like old Chris.
03:52This has got to be a first for Strictly,
03:55because he's blind, right? Yeah.
03:57He can't see.
04:01I'm going to be honest, I'm shocked Strictly's back on.
04:04HE LAUGHS
04:06Well, this will just be...
04:08pleasantly...
04:10bland.
04:12Dancing the cha-cha,
04:14Chris McCausland and Diane Buswell.
04:16Come on, Chris!
04:18The cha-cha? That's the one that goes like this, isn't it?
04:21You say every dance goes like that. I'm yet to see one that does.
04:29Oh, it's the Beatles.
04:30I mean, it's scary, you know, dancing to the Beatles.
04:32That's like us, you know, dancing to one of the Nolan numbers.
04:35Exactly. I'm in the mood for dancing.
04:37Am I?
04:40Oh, he's jiving his hips, look.
04:42Get a bit of movement in there. He's warming up. He's warming up, the lad.
04:46HE SINGS
04:50Chris, stand, shout!
04:52Go on, Chris! Look at that.
04:54You wouldn't know he was blind there, would you?
04:56He's only walked with her.
04:57HE SINGS
05:01He's proper dad dancing that, Chris, isn't he?
05:03Go on. That's how you dance.
05:05HE SINGS
05:10It's not bad, is it?
05:12It's not bad at all.
05:13I suppose, if you've got rhythm, you've got rhythm, haven't you?
05:16He is a bit wooden, though.
05:18It's week one, you've got to give him credit.
05:20He's very good for week one.
05:25Oh, I bet he'll like guitar.
05:27He wants to be careful if he's strumming the wrong bit.
05:31There's only so many scandals you can have before they shut the door.
05:39HE SINGS
05:44Take it down, I might well burst.
05:49Woo! Oh, and a knee slide!
05:52I think he overcooked that a little bit.
05:54He's nearly on his arse, bless him.
05:56HE SINGS
06:00Do you know what? How she's guiding him is actually seamless.
06:03You wouldn't even notice.
06:08Oh, no, that wasn't very good.
06:10That looked like he was dragging her out of a burning building, that last bit.
06:16No, that's unreal.
06:17Windmills!
06:18I'm not going to lie, if I was Chris's age,
06:21he'd be looking real hot right now.
06:27Yes! Well done!
06:30I think it could have done better.
06:31Oh.
06:32It's kind of crazy to feel that, you know,
06:34there's all this toxic atmosphere in the background,
06:38but it's so cheerful.
06:39So jovial.
06:40Good for Chris, Mary.
06:42Clearly having the time of his life.
06:46Why are you looking at me like that?
06:50Why are you looking at me like that, Mary?
06:51I was just wondering why you were saying that, as if you were a robot.
06:54Clearly having the time of his life.
06:56Yeah, yeah.
06:57Can you be yourself, Charles?
06:59Clearly having the time of his life.
07:01Who are you channelling?
07:02Clearly having the time of his life.
07:07In Leeds...
07:09Right, so tell me, how do I hold the chicken?
07:11So, your two index fingers...
07:14These are my two index fingers, are they not?
07:15No, the middle... The two middle fingers, yeah.
07:17Two middle fingers.
07:18And then the other two outer fingers go either side of the legs.
07:22Sister's Ellie and Izzy.
07:24Shall I put her on the floor and then you pick her up?
07:26I'll pick her up from the floor.
07:28Cos I don't want to.
07:30Oh, my Christ.
07:32I mean, I don't think I can do it.
07:35Oh, God! I can't do it, Ellie. Seriously, I can't.
07:39I can't have a cup of chicken. I can't.
07:44Let me try again.
07:49Here we go.
07:50Oh!
07:52That's Mom's schedule.
07:55On Monday night, more kids were meddling with their parents' love life on ITV1.
08:00Oh, God, I can't imagine watching Mum or Dad date.
08:04Like, that would cringe me out to the bone.
08:06That would be so cringe.
08:07Just the thought of them being romantic in general...
08:10Ugh, no, thank you.
08:11..is just making me ill.
08:16I'm at the right age, but I don't have kids.
08:18Could I borrow Max for the purposes of the show?
08:21He'd probably prefer you on it than me on it, so yes.
08:24Good point.
08:25You probably could, but I don't think you could.
08:28In the programme,
08:29Davina had a surprise in store for the middle-aged singletons.
08:33I want to talk to you about something that you haven't been aware of.
08:37Oh, what's that?
08:38And that is a secret room that you lot have not had access to.
08:43Oh, it's not a love den, is it?
08:46It's a red room.
08:47I don't think it's a red room, Jenny.
08:49It's called the Snug.
08:50Oh!
08:51Sexy Snug.
08:52Oh!
08:53Oh!
08:54Oh!
08:55Oh!
08:56Oh!
08:57Oh, the Sexy Snug!
08:59It's just a really nice private space
09:02for two of you to get to know each other better.
09:06Oh, how disgusting.
09:08Do you think it's got cameras in there?
09:09Of course it's got cameras.
09:11But what the kids don't know...
09:13What don't the kids know?
09:15What don't the kids know?
09:17..you have the power to cut the feed to the kids' bunker.
09:21Oh, my God!
09:22Yeah, that means they can get jiggy!
09:25So if they wanted to have a bit of quiet time...
09:30Well, you was going to say sexual.
09:31I don't know why you didn't say it.
09:33The children chose...
09:36..Danny.
09:38Fantastic.
09:39Oh!
09:40How lovely!
09:43Jenny, would you like to come with me to the Snug?
09:45I'd love to.
09:46Fantastic.
09:47No, I would not want to be Jenny's son right now, honestly.
09:50Oh, I'll be saying, my mum's not going in there.
09:52My bloody lovely mother's not going anywhere.
09:55Get your hands off my mother in that Snug.
09:58She's a saint!
09:59You pig!
10:02Enjoy.
10:03Have a great time, both of you.
10:05Oh, they're going now!
10:06Oh, right! Strike while the iron's hot!
10:08They're going snogging in the Snug.
10:10Snogging in the Snuggit.
10:12Could you imagine Mum snogging?
10:13Oh!
10:21It is sexy in there, isn't it?
10:23That is a sexy, sexy room.
10:25That's a shag pad if I've ever seen one.
10:27I bet it smells like an Avon catalogue in there.
10:33What's this?
10:34Switch me off.
10:35There's the switch!
10:37Switch me off, love.
10:39Are there any questions that you want to ask me?
10:42Away from everyone.
10:45Come on.
10:46This is when we can get the juicy information out.
10:48This is your chance.
10:49I want to know everything about you.
10:51That's a good answer, isn't it?
10:54Yeah.
10:56What's the matter?
10:57I don't know if I'm finding them cringy yet.
10:59Of course they're cringy, Jane.
11:00So I went to an all-girls Catholic school.
11:03Right.
11:05When Malachi was young,
11:07I started retraining to become a solicitor,
11:10but the law conversion took two years.
11:14Oh, no, Jenny!
11:16Jenny, you're killing the vibe.
11:18Oh, Jesus!
11:19You're killing the vibe.
11:20This is you?
11:21And worked for a financial advisor.
11:25He's fidgeting, isn't he?
11:27It's actually a CV.
11:28Became a PA, and then I worked in HR for the Manchester airport.
11:32Oh, no.
11:33He's wishing that switch would fucking stop her talking now, isn't he?
11:37Oh, bless her. She probably hasn't done this in a long time, innit?
11:40What about you?
11:41Where do you want me to start?
11:43Do you want my career history, much like yourself?
11:47No? No, I did not either, but thanks for letting me have it.
11:49Daddy's got back the door. At least he finds everything funny, man.
11:52You've got amazing lips.
11:54Here we go.
11:55Yeah, he's putting the groundwork in now.
11:57Yeah.
11:58I've been looking at your lips ever since we had that bowls match.
12:02You've got the most incredible lips.
12:05Oh, my God!
12:08He likes her lips, doesn't he?
12:09Kiss them, then. Yeah, go on.
12:14Here we go.
12:15Flick it, flick it, flick it.
12:17Cut the feed, cut the feed.
12:18Go on.
12:23Yay!
12:24We get it, though.
12:27Malachi's face. Look at Malachi's face.
12:29Oh, yeah.
12:30You got a new daddy!
12:33Every morning, I've woken up really excited to come downstairs
12:37and see everybody.
12:38Let's do a tour, kids.
12:39Oh, well, yeah.
12:40You flipped the switch? What are you doing?
12:42Shut up. Kiss.
12:44Now I've been waking up every morning, excited to find you.
12:49Oh!
12:50Oh, that's so sweet.
12:52He's just switched the camera off so that he can get all soppy.
12:55Yeah.
12:59What's that? What's that?
13:00That's a cute face.
13:04Oh, she just went for it!
13:06Yeah, go on. Thank Jesus Christ.
13:08That was a quick peck.
13:10Yeah, it was a peck. That's enough.
13:12What else?
13:13Oh, I don't know. Let's think of something to talk about quickly.
13:17Ah!
13:19Oh!
13:20Let's think of something to...
13:22Blah, blah, blah.
13:24Well, it's been a very, very good evening.
13:28Thank you very much for inviting me to the snug.
13:31Oh. Is that it?
13:32Cos the kids are going to be imagining a lot worse
13:35than what actually happens.
13:36They are. They are.
13:37Accidentally switching back on.
13:40It's not back on.
13:42She's on all fours.
13:47He's on all fours.
13:48He gets knocked back on his heart.
13:54If they're laughing, there's any choice, you know.
14:05In hall...
14:06Do you want a sausage roll? I've got you a sausage roll.
14:08Oh, thank you.
14:09...best friends Jenny and Lee.
14:12There you go.
14:13Thank you. What's that?
14:14There.
14:15What's that for?
14:16There.
14:18Oh, no.
14:24I won't do...
14:25You will. You will.
14:29Not one crumb.
14:31Yeah, you will.
14:32Believe me, that's the first bite.
14:34They usually chuck it all over you.
14:36I can't have a bit.
14:42I might have to get used to wearing rubber.
14:46On Sunday night, Foxy and the gang were back on Channel 4,
14:50putting some recognisable recruits through their paces.
14:53I mean, if you think about it,
14:55all this is basically a 5K Tough Mudder, if you ask me.
14:58You know, I just read it as celebrity sass.
15:00Oh, God.
15:02Yass!
15:03You wouldn't be able to wear your flip-flops on this, would you?
15:05No.
15:06The only way these celebrities are going to find their potential
15:09is to make their lives a living hell.
15:12Oh, you've got me for that, love.
15:13I don't really want to unlock my full potential, to be honest with you.
15:15Cos I'll probably be quite dangerous.
15:21Look at them.
15:23I think I only watch this show for the trainers, yeah.
15:26I would love to see you two on this, you know.
15:29I'd love to see you on it.
15:30Nah, nah.
15:32Not a chance.
15:34Just walk at my pace.
15:36Keep your heads down. Don't break that chain.
15:38I don't like not knowing where I'm going. No.
15:41Anyway I thought it was dangerous to put a bag over your head,
15:43I was always told never to put a plastic bag on my head.
15:46When it's not plastic, they're breathable.
15:47The recruits are being led through Skipper's Canyon.
15:50It's a shame they've got bags on their heads cos the view's gorgeous.
15:54Watch me, jowls!
15:56John Barrowman.
15:57Who are you?
15:58John.
15:59Oh, he's coloured his hair again.
16:01That's why I didn't know it was him.
16:02A while ago, he was on everything, he was all over the telly,
16:05then all of a sudden he just stopped on it.
16:07I think there's a bit of a scandal, Tom.
16:09The press made the allegation
16:11that I was going around putting my dick on everybody's shoulders.
16:15What was that? His dick?
16:16I mean, I... What?
16:18I'm confused.
16:20The press made it sound like he was putting his dick on people's shoulders.
16:25I thought I heard that.
16:26Well, that would be impossible to do.
16:29Unless he was ten foot tall.
16:31Having that happen to me ruined me.
16:33He's got a bit of a smirk on his face, hasn't he?
16:36He's thinking, that shoulder's got to do with the dick.
16:38Dick on it, yeah. Yeah.
16:40I want people to see the kind of person that I really am.
16:44He wants people to see that he's actually hard as fuck.
16:46He wants to uncancel himself.
16:48Yeah.
16:49Basically, is what he's on doing this for, for no other reason but himself.
16:52Turn around.
16:56Oh, my God.
16:57What is that?
16:58Oh, it's a bridge.
16:59Oh, no. Have they got to get on that ledge?
17:01That platform, yeah.
17:02The recruits must traverse two parallel bars.
17:05Traverse, that means walk.
17:07Suspended 335 feet.
17:10Above the Canyon River.
17:12Oh, no, not doing it. Send me home on the first flight. Thank you.
17:15I couldn't even do that on a ladder laid on the floor.
17:17I'd be all whappy-woozy, flashing lights.
17:20I would.
17:21Attempting the Trenasium crossing is actor John Barrowman.
17:25How's Barrowman? Do you think he's going to use his dick
17:27to try and balance across?
17:29Yeah.
17:30Steady, steady, steady, steady, steady, steady.
17:31Nice and steady. Keep it going.
17:33Just look ahead.
17:34The one thing is, don't look down.
17:35Yeah, don't look down.
17:37Everybody goes, don't look down, everybody goes.
17:39Yeah.
17:40You can do this. Keep coming.
17:43I've come through a shitstorm.
17:45Oh, my God, look, it's wobbling all over.
17:47I couldn't do with that.
17:49Goodbye.
17:50Oh, he's gone, he's gone, he's gone.
17:52Got a bit of a clatter on the way down there as well.
17:56Watch your helmet on the bar.
17:59Miserable fail.
18:01Miserable fail.
18:03Nice to give him a little bit of encouragement, isn't it?
18:06Even watching it's horrific.
18:07Oh, my God.
18:09Bobby is not OK.
18:11Argh!
18:12For fuck's sake.
18:13Oi, come on.
18:14Come on, Norris. Channel your inner Chuck. Come on.
18:16He's scared getting to the actual challenge.
18:18This is going to be a problem.
18:20I'm going to put my balls on the table and do it.
18:22No, you'll get cancelled.
18:23Take a leaf out of John's book, don't do it.
18:25He's been there and done that.
18:27Stand on the edge.
18:28I'm trying, I'm trying.
18:29Stand on the edge.
18:30I'm trying, Steve, I can't stand up.
18:32I'm trying.
18:34Argh, argh, argh.
18:36He just needs a little gentle persuasion.
18:40There you go.
18:41Argh!
18:43Argh!
18:44Sounds like a fucking sheep.
18:45I'm trying, I'm trying.
18:47No, you're not. You're just standing there.
18:49Stop flapping your fingers. Just relax.
18:52Relax? How can you relax looking at that?
18:55No.
18:56My mind and my body are doing two completely different things.
18:58Well, coordinate the fucking things
19:00before I come over there and throw you off.
19:03You wouldn't get away with this in a normal workplace, would you?
19:05The fact that it's televised.
19:07Let's go. No more talk. Let's go.
19:09Argh!
19:10He's struggling to just stand up there, Bobby, isn't he?
19:12Come on, Bobby. Come on.
19:14Fail.
19:15No.
19:16Catastrophic fail.
19:18Oh, they failed him.
19:20Catastrophic fail.
19:22What a way to put it.
19:23Oh, my God, that is strong words.
19:25Get away from me. Get that thing clipped onto your chest first.
19:28Cos if you fall, you will die.
19:29Oh, fucking hell.
19:30You see, if I were Bobby, I'd have said,
19:32well, what happened to you coming over here and tossing me off?
19:34Exactly. I think I'd just probably unclip the harnesses
19:37and throw myself off and I'm done with it.
19:39Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
19:41I'm gonna die anyways. Just tell me I am.
19:44Yeah.
19:47In Derby...
19:48Happy birthday, dear Barson.
19:52Happy birthday to you.
19:55Aw, thanks, guys. That's wicked.
19:57The Siddiquis.
19:59You've made this?
20:00You made another one?
20:02Bloody hell, Dad.
20:03You know, last year, you shamed me into not making you
20:07a birthday cake.
20:08Oh, yeah?
20:09Well, this year, I thought I'll double it.
20:11Double the cake? Oh, my God.
20:13Revenge cake.
20:14Revenge cake is the best.
20:15I put the sparkler in.
20:17That's wicked. Thank you, man.
20:18Very central, innit? Very central.
20:20Thank you very much, Dad. That's so beautiful.
20:23Oh, dear me.
20:27In Manchester...
20:28Here's remote, Julie.
20:29Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
20:31You really concentrated today.
20:34Jesus, really?
20:36Julie, you're not throwing it to me at all.
20:39The Malones.
20:41What are you doing?
20:44Just throwing it at me.
20:46You...
20:47This is like the worst...
20:48Oh!
20:51You missed that?
20:54Jesus.
20:55On Sunday, some government goings-on
20:58were in the spotlight on ITV News.
21:00I watch the news all the time.
21:04I know.
21:05Because I have a condition called hypervigilance.
21:09Yeah.
21:10This is On TV News with Shihab Khan.
21:13Yes, an Asian!
21:14The Labour Party conference officially began today,
21:17but if Sir Keir Starmer's top team
21:19hoped it would allow them to move on
21:20from a week of negative headlines,
21:23well, it hasn't gone to plan.
21:24Oh, dear. Oh, dear.
21:26It's not been a good start, has it, for it, really?
21:28It did inherit a lot of shit, to be fair.
21:30This should be the most exciting Labour conference
21:33for years.
21:34And it's not.
21:35But the question over donated tickets,
21:38holidays and clothes haven't gone away.
21:40So they're engulfed in a sleaze scandal, Mary,
21:44just like the Tories used to be.
21:45They're just as bad as the Conservatives.
21:48Even Keir Starmer's wife got donated clothes.
21:51Yeah.
21:52They look lovely, though.
21:53They look very nice. Best I've seen her dress.
21:55Amongst today's speakers was Angela Rayner,
21:58visibly moved to be appearing here as Deputy Prime Minister.
22:01She's feeling a bit vulnerable.
22:03No, she isn't. She's just being mulkish.
22:05Thank you. I'll try not to get too emotional.
22:08Why? Have you had to give your clothes back?
22:11She is also defending her declarations
22:14over a stay at a donor's apartment in New York.
22:17It is dear in New York, though, Julian, to be fair.
22:19If you got a free apartment out there, you'd have it, wouldn't you?
22:21But she did pay for her own flights.
22:23Well, that's kind of her, isn't it?
22:25I don't know that.
22:26She hasn't given the donor, like, a contract or something like that.
22:30Or paid out the taxpayers' money.
22:32Yeah.
22:33Ministers are now bending over backwards to demonstrate transparency.
22:38Listen to the Education Secretary on accepting Taylor Swift tickets.
22:42Look, I...
22:44Oh!
22:46Richard, they say I got the tickets, innit?
22:47And I accepted the tickets. I'm a big Taylor Swift fan. It's cool.
22:51I'll be honest, it was a hard one to turn down.
22:53It's a hard one to turn down.
22:54One of my children, you know, was keen to go along.
22:58Show me any parent in the country with a little girl that loves Taylor Swift
23:04that is going to turn down free tickets.
23:06Jenny, if Liberty liked Taylor Swift...
23:09Yeah.
23:10..and if you was offered some free tickets, would you take them?
23:13Yeah.
23:15It's hard to say no if you're offered tickets in those circumstances.
23:17I'm a Swifty, and I'm proud!
23:20There was Conservative MPs giving their mates multi-million pound contracts.
23:24Yeah.
23:25But we're angry about Taylor Swift contracts.
23:28Call a Taylor Swift ticket, neither here nor there.
23:31But is this the gateway drug?
23:33This is the problem.
23:34Then you're accepting, you know, I don't know...
23:36Tooth whitening kits.
23:37Tooth whitening kits. Shit like that.
23:39You know, he's having laser hair removal.
23:41Be off to Turkey next, full tits and teeth.
23:44But what the Labour Party really needs here
23:47is to find a way to move on from the row about donations.
23:51I don't understand why this is actually news.
23:53I don't get it as well.
23:54I don't know.
23:55Do you know what? I've actually never had
23:57anything for free.
23:58And do you want to know the reason why?
24:00Why?
24:01Because then you'd be holding to somebody.
24:03Yes.
24:04That's why I don't borrow sod all.
24:05Even if somebody goes,
24:06oh, you know, I'll give you a lift.
24:09No.
24:10No.
24:11I'll pay you to help me.
24:12Yeah.
24:13But the simple reason...
24:15Hang on a minute, you say you don't borrow anything.
24:17How long have you had my lawnmower?
24:18Oh, fuck off.
24:24You bought a new one now, anyway.
24:26Yeah, exactly.
24:35In Blackpool...
24:36I've had a right nightmare at home.
24:38What?
24:39I got in from here last night, right,
24:40and I said to Pete, I need to find the logbook for the car.
24:43Oh, no.
24:45Because it needs taxing.
24:47Pete and his little sister, Sophie.
24:49Oh, God.
24:50Honey, I had them on the windowsill in the bedroom.
24:52You know what Paige is like.
24:54Been... Yeah.
24:55Yeah.
24:56She goes, oh, well, I don't know, I don't know, I can't find it,
24:58I can't find it.
24:59I said, well, you need to find it.
25:01She went, well, I think it's in the loft.
25:03So, silly me, I get the ladder out, go up into the loft.
25:07So, was the logbook in there or not?
25:09No. Do you know where it was?
25:11In the back bedroom where she'd put it.
25:13I was stood in the loft, smacked me head off the roof,
25:15and she went, oh, I found it, it's in the back bedroom.
25:18I went, I'm going to bed.
25:21On Tuesday night, animal experts were at it again on Channel 5.
25:26Oh, please grow up, Charles.
25:27Sorry, Mary, but Yorkshire Vet's coming on.
25:29Oh.
25:34They're a lovely bunch of fellas, the Yorkshire Vets.
25:36Yeah, do you know that Julian's practice is only in Weatherby?
25:39Oh, I know.
25:40We need to get our animals in with him, don't we?
25:43I'll have to take my chickens to see him.
25:45Across Yorkshire, in Rodney Sheard's family,
25:48sheep farming is in the blood.
25:50Oh, I love sheep.
25:52I actually wouldn't have minded being a farmer.
25:56But it's just the sadness I couldn't deal with.
25:59My mum always wanted to marry a farmer, you know.
26:02And this little one is granddaughter Ella.
26:04Granddaughter Ella.
26:06They're proper deedars, aren't they?
26:08Ella already has a special bond with her favourite sheep on the farm.
26:12Put it down for him.
26:13Teddy.
26:14Oh, that's cute.
26:16Oh, Teddy.
26:17Oh, that's a nice name for a sheep, isn't it?
26:20That's her best friend.
26:21So Rodney has come up with a way of ensuring
26:24that Teddy will have a long and productive life on the farm.
26:27Ah, so he's not going to the abattoir.
26:29So what's his plan, then?
26:30I have a feeling there's going to be some filth coming on now.
26:33The procedure that I'm intending to do on Teddy today is a vasectomy.
26:38Ooh.
26:39Oh, I wonder why he's doing a vasectomy on Teddy.
26:42Yeah, why would he not just have his knackers off?
26:44A vasectomised male sheep on a farm is known as a teaser-tup.
26:49Teaser-tup.
26:51A teaser and a pleaser.
26:53It's a very appropriate name
26:55because Teddy literally teases the females into sexual activity.
27:00Like a fluffer.
27:03A woolly fluffer.
27:04Basically, he's going to warm up all the females,
27:06ready for the other male to go in and impregnate them.
27:10Why do you need warming up?
27:12So you won't know what on earth we're going to be doing
27:15to your favourite sheep today.
27:16You don't want to know, Ella.
27:17Go on, Teddy.
27:18Go on, Teddy.
27:20Good boy.
27:21There we are. Teddy, what about...
27:22Oh, that was easy.
27:24Are those his testicles?
27:25Oh, I don't want to watch.
27:26That sheep don't know what's going to hit him.
27:28Poor fucker.
27:29So this is quite a fascinating piece of equipment.
27:32It looks a bit medieval,
27:33but it's a really good way of keeping him restrained.
27:37Right, I'm not liking the look of that.
27:38Christ, it does.
27:39It looks like a torture box.
27:41No way!
27:42As if!
27:43The tipping of sheep on its back.
27:45Can I just adjust his testicles?
27:47Yeah, yeah, yeah.
27:49Jesus Christ, look at him.
27:51He's got a magnificent pair of bollocks, hasn't he, has Teddy?
27:54So Teddy's got the tidiest genitalia in Yorkshire, I think.
27:59Look at him.
28:01Don't worry, Ted.
28:02I'll hold me other short leg.
28:03I'm not going to hurt you.
28:04I'm not going to hurt you.
28:05I'm not going to hurt you.
28:06I'm not going to hurt you.
28:07I'm not going to hurt you.
28:08I'm not going to hurt you.
28:10I'm not going to hurt you.
28:11Oh, look.
28:12Oh no!
28:13He's giving him anesthetic.
28:14Oh!
28:20So that's the first side done.
28:21Can you see what's going on there?
28:23You needn't look yet,
28:25but I think they've taken out a little bit of tubing,
28:29which will mean he can't deliver sperm anymore.
28:34Tubular bells.
28:35But he can still have sex.
28:38Tubular balls.
28:40Come on, Teddy. We're nearly done.
28:41Come on, Teddy.
28:43What's that?
28:45That's the mean tubes, isn't it?
28:46It's the ball sack tubes.
28:48Go back to his party wherever you're heading.
28:51Go on, Teddy. You're done.
28:53He'll still be able to get his end away, won't he?
28:56So he can still get his end away.
28:57He'll still...
28:59The thing is, the boys have had it then.
29:01Yeah, but they haven't got no balls.
29:04They've taken their balls off.
29:05No, it's just that they could...
29:07He hasn't... I'm telling you,
29:10he hasn't got a pair of balls, and neither have we.
29:15When you come home of an evening, right,
29:16and he starts jumping about, if you feel, yes.
29:20But I think the balls must contract slightly.
29:24It's only the tubes that are cut.
29:26They don't take your actual ball sack away.
29:28He haven't got any. I know he haven't.
29:30Christ, all right, leave it there now.
29:32Has Dad had the snip?
29:33I don't know, and I don't want to think about it.
29:36Uncle Kevin's had it.
29:39He had the snip.
29:40Right, will you stop going on about our male relative's reproductive system?
29:45Uncle John had the snip reverse.
29:47Enough now.
29:50In Wiltshire...
29:52Close your eyes.
29:53I've grown it for you. Hold your hand out.
29:55It's not a frog, is it?
29:57...Giles and his wife, Mary.
29:59I've grown it for you, Mary.
30:01Well, that's very good.
30:03Very good.
30:05Yeah, it's at last some success.
30:08But do you know what I think I might do next year, Mary?
30:11Save all that time, which is the equivalent of,
30:16I'd say, about a month of a man's life,
30:19and join a box scheme.
30:22So to support a local organic grower...
30:24Is there one?
30:26I think there is.
30:27And then just get a box scheme, and then they just pick whatever they've got.
30:30So it's quite nice, because you've got to be creative, whatever they give you.
30:33And then that will free up more time, Mary, for me to watch YouTube.
30:37No, paint.
30:39Oh, paint. OK.
30:41This week, Prime Video delivered a dramatisation
30:44of a story that rocked the monarchy.
30:46Hey, I want to watch this, Jen.
30:48Have you not heard about the very royal scandal, Jane?
30:51There's lots.
30:53Prince Andrew's interview.
30:55Yep. The car crash.
30:57That was it.
30:59A royal fuck-up, if you ask me.
31:01A royal bollock drop.
31:03The bit that's a bit bonkers, it's only like five years ago, isn't it?
31:05Already now, this is historical drama.
31:08Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh!
31:10Wait, I'm... I'm alone. I'm alone with the child.
31:14Is Michael Sheen in a fat suit?
31:16I think he's such a good actor, he'll have put on weight, Nata.
31:19When I thought Michael Sheen, Prince Andrew, I thought,
31:22I don't see it, but bloody hell, he's pulling off a good show.
31:26But bloody hell, he's pulling off a good Prince Andrew, are you?
31:29What?
31:30There's a call for you, sir. Amanda Thirsk.
31:32Ooh.
31:33This is private secretary, your personal secretary.
31:35OK.
31:37She was the go-between between the BBC and Andrew.
31:40Oh, dear.
31:41She's the straw that broke the Camille's back.
31:46Yes?
31:47Good evening, sir.
31:48I bet you know what this call's about.
31:50Yeah.
31:51He'll be laughing on the other side of his face after this phone call.
31:54Ahem.
31:55Amanda.
31:56Edward.
31:57They're having a little tate-a-tate between the top secretaries.
32:00Yeah, the top bollocks.
32:02How do we...
32:03HE GIGGLES
32:04..sort this out?
32:06The Duke of York has been accused of raping a young woman
32:09in an apartment paid for by the now-dead Jeffrey Epstein.
32:13Awkward.
32:14Doesn't have the same ring to it as, er,
32:16he marched right up to the top of the hill, does it, that?
32:18What I like there is he's not beat around the bush.
32:21Yeah, she's not even got a drink yet.
32:22No!
32:23There are flight logs showing he took multiple trips
32:26to the paedophiles' island.
32:28Imagine this being your job.
32:29You need to handle that.
32:31Oh, Jesus.
32:32In 2010, he was photographed with Epstein
32:36by then-unknown sex trafficker walking through Central Park.
32:40At the very least, this shows poor judgement.
32:43At the very least?
32:44That's a bloody understatement, isn't it?
32:46Oh, yeah, he went back and met him, innit, after he was convicted.
32:49But that's when he said,
32:50when he was walking through the park with him,
32:53he wanted to end the friendship.
32:55Erm, telephone call.
32:56You'd be on the telephone and say,
32:58-"I'm coming fucking nowhere near you." -"Yeah."
33:00Do you have any plans?
33:04I'm working on it.
33:05You'd be handing your notice in if you were Prince Andrew's
33:07private secretary at this point, wouldn't you?
33:09You would.
33:10She's thinking, why couldn't I get one of the other ones like Anne?
33:12Yeah, someone who's no bother.
33:15Someone who fucking behaves herself.
33:17Yeah.
33:18I'm in London with Andrew. Why didn't I get Anne?
33:21Hey, erm, email just in from Amanda Thirsk.
33:25Oh, so this is the Newsnight office for the people that did that interview?
33:28Oh, God, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
33:29She'd like to, quote,
33:30reconsider the possibility of an interview with the Duke of York, unquote.
33:34This is Amanda's plane, Ronnie.
33:36What a stupid idea.
33:39That was the best she could come up with.
33:40An interview.
33:41Wait, with Epstein on the table.
33:43Oh, look, look how much she looks like, erm...
33:46Emily Maitlis.
33:47That's extraordinary, isn't it?
33:48Epstein, Maxwell, Nohlsbad.
33:50Blimey.
33:52What a scoop, hey?
33:53They're, like, rubbing their hands. They're like, what, they agreed to this?
33:56Yeah.
33:57Cameras.
33:59Rolling.
34:01Sound.
34:02Oh, this is the interview, mate.
34:03You can see it, can't you, now? I remember watching it.
34:05Yeah.
34:06I remember watching it and just thinking, oh, my God.
34:09Your Royal Highness,
34:11we've come to Buckingham Palace.
34:13Your Royal Highness,
34:15we've come to Buckingham Palace.
34:19Today, you've chosen to speak out for the first time.
34:24Why have you decided to talk now?
34:26Good question, Emily.
34:27We're all thinking it.
34:29Why?
34:30She's thinking, I've got you, Cornwall.
34:33Because...
34:36Go on, Andrew.
34:37Say something.
34:38We now know that he was and had been
34:43procuring young girls for sex trafficking.
34:46At what point did he think this was a good idea?
34:50Like, obviously, that is going to come up and he must have been aware.
34:54I mean, what Andrew really needs to do is say, you know,
34:57straight from the offset, that's disgusting.
34:59Yes, but I don't think he does.
35:02When I saw him either in the United States or...
35:05No, when I saw him in the United States
35:07or when I was staying at his houses in the United States...
35:10Keep going.
35:12Emily sat there going, keep going.
35:14Um, there was no indication.
35:16Absolutely.
35:17Like, Maitlis doesn't even have to say anything.
35:19She just stays quiet and lets him say everything.
35:22Let him dig his own grave.
35:23He's not media savvy.
35:24No.
35:25Therefore, he's falling into traps of his own making.
35:28Mm.
35:29You've stayed on his private island?
35:31Yes.
35:32Yes.
35:33Whoops.
35:34That's enough to indict him.
35:35You've stayed at his home?
35:37Yes.
35:38Yes, check.
35:39This is so embarrassing.
35:40You've visited Ghislaine Maxwell's house in Belgravia, in London?
35:45Yes.
35:47He procured the women, the girls?
35:48Yeah, she's in jail, isn't she?
35:49Do you regret the whole friendship with Epstein?
35:53Oh, Christ.
35:54Well, this is a $10 question.
35:56He should have said yes.
35:57Yes, yes, I do.
35:58I'd totally, totally regret being associated with him.
36:02But no, what does he say?
36:05Now, still not.
36:07Oh.
36:08Now, still not.
36:09I mean, I don't want you to lie, but you say,
36:11yes, of course I do.
36:12Now that I know what I know, of course I bloody do.
36:15Exactly.
36:16The problem was the fact that once he was convicted...
36:19You stayed with him?
36:20I stayed with him.
36:21Mm.
36:23Oh, wow.
36:24Oh!
36:25Mate.
36:26So, you've then stayed at a convicted sex offender's house?
36:30If you give someone enough rope, then they'll hang themselves,
36:32won't they?
36:33And that's exactly what he did.
36:34Emily is thinking this is going down in history.
36:38She's hit the bloody jackpot here, is Emily.
36:41Career-defining moment for Emily.
36:43Mm.
36:44Following the interview,
36:45there was a message for Andrew from upstairs.
36:49Ms Geoffray's legal team have agreed terms
36:51for an out-of-court settlement.
36:52They've paid her off.
36:54They've settled it.
36:55And that suggests he's guilty.
36:57I read in the telegraph that the payment was more than £12,000.
37:03I don't know what I'm all shocked about there.
37:04The fact that it was £12,000 while you was reading the telegraph.
37:07Given the circumstances,
37:10the Queen also feels it would be a distraction
37:13if you were to attend her Jubilee celebrations.
37:16Oh, he's not allowed to go to the Platyju.
37:18HE LAUGHS
37:20He just wants to be grateful he's not watching it
37:22from a bloody prison cell.
37:23Exactly. That's it.
37:25Where do I go?
37:27Well, to stay away from Epstein Island,
37:28I can tell you where you're going.
37:29Oh.
37:30Where do I go?
37:31Well, to stay away from Epstein Island, I can tell you that.
37:33You can go anywhere else, but just don't go there.
37:35HE LAUGHS
37:36You live with the consequences of your actions, sir.
37:39ALL GROAN
37:41You made your own bed. Fucking lying it.
37:43Yes.
37:45I wonder if Prince Andrew will watch this.
37:47Thing is, he's got shite all else to do
37:49but he's all over the streaming apps.
37:52He'll have prime.
38:01In Manchester...
38:02This is all that's left of your birthday cake from yesterday.
38:05Who ate it all?
38:07He got one slice and Uncle Sean's had a load of it.
38:10..the Malones.
38:11Happy birthday to Brogan.
38:13But I got one with you.
38:15Nine years old.
38:17You're nearly double figures.
38:20Hey!
38:21And you look like a...
38:23Toad. Toad.
38:24THEY LAUGH
38:25Grandma got in with that, did she?
38:27Hey.
38:28On Friday, there were more mid-morning matters
38:31keeping us entertained on ITV1.
38:33Here you are, Friday morning.
38:35A croissant.
38:36Here you are, instead of your cereal, have a croissant.
38:39Oh, lovely.
38:40You're going to be watching this morning
38:43every day when your maternity starts.
38:46You're going to start going crazy again, like you did last time.
38:52Is it Dermot and Alison on a Friday?
38:54Yes, it is.
38:55Now, it's one of Britain's oldest and most bizarre traditions...
38:59Right. What's this?
39:01..dating back to 2067.
39:03Sorry?
39:042067? It's only 2024 now.
39:071267. 2067 hasn't happened yet.
39:10What did I say?
39:11You said 2067.
39:12Did I?
39:13Yeah, you did, Alison.
39:15Can somebody get Alison a coffee?
39:17She's half asleep.
39:18So, it's the Gurning World Championships.
39:20Kicks off this weekend.
39:22I love Gurning.
39:23Gurning's like that, isn't it?
39:25You want to go in a few now? It's disgusting.
39:29You've got a competition on it, then.
39:30Joined by two of the best in the biz,
39:3218-time champion Tommy Madison and seven-time champion Claire Liston.
39:37They don't look like Gurners, do they?
39:39No.
39:40Explain where the origins of this is.
39:42Is it the... It's a crab apple fair.
39:44Ooh, the crab apple fair.
39:47What's an apple got to do with Gurn?
39:48The story goes that somebody bit the crab apple,
39:50which is a very sour apple.
39:51Oh, right. So, I suppose it made you, like...
39:54Pull a face when you're bitten to one.
39:57Do you know, like, if you eat... squeeze a piece of lemon,
39:59you're like, ooh.
40:00Yeah, yeah. That's it, isn't it?
40:02You're the eighth world champion.
40:03No, I've won it 18 times.
40:0518?
40:06You're not very good with your figures today, are you, Alison?
40:09Wake up, my love.
40:1018, I've won it.
40:11You know what I'd win on?
40:12What?
40:13Resting bitch face.
40:15Oh, yeah, you've got plenty of that.
40:16My father was a world champion. He won it 10 times.
40:19So, it runs in the family of pulling funny faces.
40:22We ain't got nothing that follows on it, honestly.
40:24I thought you had. I thought you were choplifting.
40:28OK, will you show us some of your favourite faces?
40:31Oh, I can't wait for this.
40:33Will you show us the wolf?
40:34The wolf?
40:35Oh, they have different names for them.
40:37OK, so...
40:41Why's he making that noise?
40:42What's he sniffing at?
40:47Oh, Ronnie!
40:48Oh, my God!
40:51Ha ha ha ha!
40:54It's so good.
40:56What's happened to his face?
40:58Look at his nose. His nose is bent.
41:01He's totally changed, isn't he?
41:03That is so good.
41:05And it's the sounds as well.
41:15Oh, yeah, you can get there, eh?
41:17He looks so different. Go on, Claire.
41:19Let's go, Claire. Do it for the ladies.
41:21Ha ha ha ha!
41:23I love it!
41:24Ha ha ha ha!
41:25Oh!
41:28I think it's the ass crossed.
41:32Do it with your eyes half shut.
41:35That's it.
41:37That's a lovely face, Mary.
41:41In Durham...
41:42Come on, then, how was Ibiza?
41:44It was honestly the best holiday ever.
41:46...Best Friends Abbey and Georgia.
41:48You know what? I'm acting like I'm some massive partier.
41:51I literally went to a few daytime events.
41:53I couldn't even hack the night time.
41:55I paid £75 to go to DC10.
41:58It started at 11.
42:00Oh, God, that's late.
42:01Ha ha ha!
42:04I went to the hotel.
42:05Started at 11?
42:06Started at 11.
42:07That's wind-down time?
42:09We went back to the hotel, got changed.
42:11I put my dress on, I put my shoes on, looked at Fee.
42:14She looked at me, she was like,
42:15Do you want to go?
42:16I said, nah, do you?
42:18She said, nah.
42:19What did you just do then?
42:20Went to bed.
42:21Stop it right now and you got ready?
42:23Yeah.
42:24On Friday, we learnt about a night at the museum with a twist.
42:28BBC News had all the details.
42:30Watch my room.
42:32I like to try and guess, Mary,
42:35which newsreader it is.
42:37Rita Chakrabarti.
42:40And then if it's wrong,
42:42it doesn't matter.
42:45Because you're not interested in me saying it anyway.
42:49Now, something a little different to end with today
42:51and possibly slightly unexpected.
42:53Oh!
42:54Brilliant.
42:55I like something different.
42:56Little twinkling of an idea.
42:58Yes, look.
42:59When you think of nudes in a museum...
43:02Nudes?
43:03Not nudes on the lunchtime news.
43:05Things like paintings or sculptures.
43:07I've never thought of a nude in a museum.
43:09That's what art is, just tits and dicks.
43:12But one in Dorchester is bringing the idea to life
43:14and opening its doors to visitors
43:16who want to wander through the galleries after hours naked.
43:20You are?
43:21Really?
43:22What?
43:23Oh, for goodness' sake.
43:24Why?
43:25Just to get attention.
43:26What? This is flashing.
43:27This is more flashing.
43:29More flashing.
43:30But why?
43:31I'd heard that a group of history buffs
43:33were going to be taking over Dorset Museum for the night.
43:36History buffs, Natty? That's a joke.
43:38Mm.
43:39Turns out I'd misheard.
43:42They're a group of history in the buffs.
43:44Oh!
43:46Why would you want to wander through a museum
43:49or an art gallery naked, Mary?
43:51Because you want to flash.
43:53Very unique, very good.
43:55And, yes, very excited.
43:56Oh, very excited.
43:59I hope he's not too excited.
44:01Never been to this museum before
44:03and it's fabulous what I've seen so far.
44:05I don't fancy that.
44:07Do you? Can you imagine me in there going...
44:11Where do you put your phone when you're naked?
44:15Mine would go under my tit.
44:16I could put keys under this tit.
44:19Phone under that tit.
44:22It's not rude, you know.
44:24We're just nude, that's all.
44:26Not rude, they're just nude.
44:27I've learned to accept my body for what it is now
44:29and a lot of women can't do that.
44:30But, you know, you give it a go.
44:32And if you don't like it, put your clothes back on again.
44:33If you don't like it, fuck off.
44:36I have to agree with her there,
44:37just to accept your body for how it is.
44:39And what is wrong with being naked?
44:40Because I don't want my body to be sexualised.
44:43Do you know what I mean?
44:44Ellie, these are your people.
44:49Dorset Museum is doing it for the exposure.
44:52You can't do that when you start naked.
44:56Oh, let them have their fun, yeah.
44:58Not when they're rubbing their fun all over the items.
45:01The venue had a multi-million pound revamp over Covid.
45:04Oh, no, I won't want to look at the impression of mine.
45:07I'd have one up here and one down there.
45:09Kids have been playing with that
45:10and she's had a bloody cookie all over it.
45:12I'm not so head high.
45:14For now, this evening is a one-off.
45:15And after tonight, the museum will be closed until further notice.
45:18He's... He's getting his kit off.
45:21Look at all them lot behind him going...
45:23What's that old saying?
45:24When in Rome...
45:27Perhaps we ought to try it once.
45:30In Waitrose?
45:32No, on a beach, on a nature's beach.
45:35No, because you'd be worried about insects.
45:38Oh, yeah.
45:39Do you remember that chap in Africa, Mary,
45:41who took his clothes off and then something jumped into his bottom?
45:46Yeah.
45:47And hatched a family of spiders in his bottom.
45:52That's the danger of taking your clothes off.
45:54Something might jump in.
46:01Celebs swap socials and soft life for SAS hell.
46:04Stream or watch Who Dares Win, Sunday and Monday at nine.
46:07And dads and kids are very much outside of their comfort zone, too,
46:11as they head into the jungle with Ed Stafford.
46:13Stream or watch Tuesday at half nine after Bake Off.
46:16Here next, it's First Dates.