• 2 months ago
What do Britain's sharpest armchair critics think of Slow Horses, Dating Naked, Celebrity Race Across the World and more?

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00:00Leo! You haven't seen Leo in ages have you? Leo!
00:05What's this?
00:06Hello, son!
00:07Hi, son!
00:08Hello!
00:10Hiya!
00:11What are you doing, you big ball of fur? Oh my God, he's so fluffy!
00:15Hello, puppy!
00:17Hiya, son!
00:18Give me his treat!
00:19Leo! Leo, what have I got?
00:21He's massive!
00:22What have I got? Sit!
00:24Do you know when he's wet? Does he go boy?
00:27Hiya, son!
00:30He's massive!
00:34Oh! No!
00:35Here we go!
00:36They've got him!
00:37Oh!
00:38What are you doing?
00:39Oh, she's a chicken nugget!
00:41Isn't it embarrassing, Marilyn?
00:45Oh, kiss!
00:46Oh, that's a bit forward!
00:47This is raunchy, isn't it?
00:48Bring on the delves!
00:49Yeah!
00:50Who's in for the finger this week, isn't it?
00:53Oh!
00:54It's so bad, it's actually good!
00:56It's actually good!
00:57What just happened?
00:58Siri, call Ofcom.
01:01In the week we bid a fond farewell to the voice of Darth Vader, James Earl Jones,
01:06we enjoyed lots of great telly.
01:09Celebrities were racing around South America on BBC One.
01:15This is a small price to pay just to see him smile again on a day where there hasn't been that much of that.
01:22Do you know Scott Mills is in his 50s?
01:24Is he?
01:25Yeah.
01:27I hope I'm as cool as Scott Mills when I'm in my 50s.
01:32You're not as cool as Scott Mills now!
01:35More fast-track fiancés were getting it together on Discovery Plus.
01:39Oops!
01:40I'm sorry!
01:41It's OK.
01:42Some people might think that I'm an overpacker, but I need everything that I've packed.
01:50No, when I go on holiday, right, if I'm going for a week, I need six pairs of undies, six pairs of shorts, and a couple of tops.
01:59That's it.
02:00You're a pig!
02:03Toothbrush? Nah, I'm on my holidays.
02:05That's why you buy chewing gum over there.
02:08Buy a multi-pack of chewing gum.
02:12I'm on holiday, I'm not going to brush my teeth.
02:15And true feelings were being exposed on Paramount Plus.
02:19They're taking their search for love to a whole new level...
02:24..by baring all.
02:28If everyone's naked, I think that'd be a lot more vulnerable.
02:31The only variation on a dating show they haven't tried, Mary,
02:34is removing the sexual organs altogether, surgically.
02:40And that's something that we can look forward to perhaps next year.
02:44SHE LAUGHS
02:52It means...
02:53Hiya, you all right?
02:55Yes, I'm good.
02:56I'm just ringing your auntie Janet because I've text Halu and asked her,
03:00and she says she thinks she's seen you with one.
03:03I'm going to a wedding tomorrow and I want a royal blue fascinator.
03:07..sisters Ellie and Izzy.
03:09I don't know if it's royal blue. Go have a look.
03:11As long as it's not navy, as long as it's not really navy,
03:15it's got a couple of different blues in it.
03:18Send me a picture, won't you? I've sent you it now.
03:20All right, speak to you soon. See you soon. Bye. Bye.
03:23What a ledge. What a ledge.
03:26You can count on Auntie Janet to have a clutch bag.
03:28She's a few fascinators,
03:29so I reckon that she'll have at least one to go with that, won't she?
03:32She's a fascinator for every occasion, is Auntie Janet, isn't she?
03:35She's a bugger for a fascinator.
03:37She is a bugger for a fascinator.
03:40On Wednesday night, it was maps at the ready again,
03:43as BBC One's race for the fastest famous face was well under way.
03:48Oh!
03:51Do you know what I mean to me?
03:53I could end up in bloody Royal Wheel.
03:59They're certainly getting the steps in on this, aren't they?
04:01That's true.
04:02When I did my geography exam in Year 11,
04:04my map was upside down the full exam.
04:07Then the teacher would come up to us and says,
04:09oh, Abi, you didn't know your map's been upside down the whole time?
04:13I says, no, you could have told us.
04:15She says, I can't, it's an exam.
04:17The Rio Paraná, South America's second longest river,
04:21and sitting on the banks of its Argentinian delta,
04:25is the city of Tigre.
04:27Tigre, Jane, Tigre.
04:29Here, the fourth checkpoint.
04:31Oh, it'll be full of mozzies and everything, won't it?
04:34And floaters.
04:35Having set the pace on earlier legs,
04:37Geoff and Freddie are almost 11 hours behind.
04:40God, what did they do? Sleep in?
04:43That's half a full day.
04:46Your fifth checkpoint is Tilcara.
04:50OK?
04:51Where is that?
04:52It's in Argentina.
04:54I'd love to go to Argentina.
04:56Shall we go?
04:57Absolutely.
04:58The driver tells us he can bring you to Frias.
05:02Yeah, where is Frias?
05:03I don't know if you see it.
05:05I think it's on the way, or here.
05:08Yeah, it's forwards, I like that.
05:09It's not even on the map, he doesn't even know where it is.
05:12Lovely.
05:13I don't know if Geoff's making the right decision here.
05:15I don't know, you know what, Geoff, do you?
05:18Do you, brother?
05:19He's limiting his options.
05:23There's always going to be an element of a risk.
05:25It's not something I'm particularly good at,
05:27but we've come in fourth, we are racing after all.
05:30Yeah, let's do it.
05:31Make it.
05:32Oh, don't go.
05:33Oh, they're going for Frias.
05:34Geoff, raise you, would you?
05:35Yeah, I would, yeah.
05:38Bus station with no buses.
05:40There's nothing there, Jenny, nothing there.
05:42Wicked.
05:43Whoops.
05:44It's almost like I saw it coming.
05:46I don't even want to say.
05:47Yes, it's not looking good.
05:49This could be really disappointing.
05:51The risk hasn't paid off, has it?
05:53That's what's not on the map, boys.
05:55OK.
05:56Frias.
05:57Tilcara.
05:58No direct.
06:00Perfect.
06:01Right, Fred, I've put us in this little corner.
06:04Nobody puts Freddy in the corner, so apologies for that.
06:07So Dad's taking ownership, yeah?
06:09Dad, we're a team.
06:10You won't let me down.
06:11Look at him there, flashing the cat.
06:13Get that in your bum bag.
06:15This is one of the most useless feelings I've had this whole trip.
06:19Come on, think positive.
06:21But at least they're still on the move.
06:23Safe.
06:24I kept saying, you know, I've always been safe.
06:26Oh, I like a bus with curtains.
06:28Double-decker coach with curtains.
06:30I'd love a go on that.
06:31I've never been on a double-decker coach.
06:33I'd love to sit on top deck on a double-decker coach.
06:36With curtains.
06:37With curtains.
06:382,500m above sea level, the fifth checkpoint.
06:43The tiny mountain town of Tilcara.
06:47Right, so this is the checkpoint place now.
06:49After traversing almost half the length of Argentina,
06:53all teams are neck and neck.
06:55They've caught up by 11 hours.
06:57They're all neck and neck.
06:58Bloody hell.
07:00Ready, Sam?
07:01Let's do it.
07:02Grab your tins.
07:03Get your stuff and get running.
07:06Go to the market and find the trinity of best.
07:09You'd sniff out a market, you would.
07:11Oh, I would, I'd be fussed there.
07:13I'm good at charity shops and all.
07:15It's this way because everyone else has gone this way, so let's go.
07:17They're all running now.
07:19You'd start tripping people up at this point, wouldn't you?
07:21That looks like a market right in front of us.
07:23Market's just here.
07:24OK, Marion, market's just here.
07:26Mercado.
07:27Mercado, that's supermarket.
07:29Mercado is market.
07:31There they are, there they are, there they are.
07:34What have you got to do now, then?
07:36Go right behind the church.
07:37Church.
07:39And then find Las Marias Hotel.
07:41Go right behind the church, Las Marias Hotel.
07:44Church.
07:45Church.
07:47Oh, we've got sign language here.
07:49God.
07:50Church.
07:51Surely you'd just do that, innit?
07:53Surely you'd do that.
07:55Can you see them blue bags? That's where we're headed.
07:57Oh, shit.
07:58Oh, shit.
07:59Oh, shit. What's he done?
08:00They've seen Fred, eh?
08:02Fred, pace it, mate.
08:04Freddy's legging it.
08:05Come on, man, come on, man.
08:06Oh, I'm in the car.
08:08Just get taken out by a car.
08:10We're here.
08:11Come on, Fred.
08:12Come on, Fred.
08:13Come on, Fred.
08:14Go on, keep going, you can do it.
08:16Come on.
08:18Come on, come on, who's it?
08:20Come on.
08:23Oh.
08:24Oh.
08:25But are they first?
08:27They don't know until they open the book.
08:29Who's first?
08:33They were first.
08:34Oh, God.
08:35What are you?
08:37I haven't done them.
08:39We're out seven minutes, innit?
08:41Oh, the second!
08:43Come on, lads, that's epic.
08:46Well done, boys, though, nothing to be ashamed at.
08:48The second.
08:49Yeah, second.
08:50After an 11-hour deficit.
08:51Very, very well done.
08:53He's taken a risk.
08:55And it hasn't backfired.
08:56And it hasn't backfired.
08:58And I like that.
08:59Yeah, love to see that.
09:00Yeah.
09:01Very rare that happens.
09:02But he's a nice guy, he's one of the good guys, isn't he, Geoff?
09:04He is.
09:05Cos he goes out and gives good news.
09:07Yeah.
09:08So it's nice when somebody goes out and gives good news.
09:10Yeah.
09:11Look, he hasn't given me ever good news on Postcode Lottery,
09:13I'm going to be honest.
09:14No.
09:15Well, I tell you what, bloody Postcode Lottery,
09:17they say you've won a tenner, they charge fucking 12 quid to enter.
09:20There you go.
09:21Still two quid down.
09:23Yeah.
09:26In Derby.
09:27Rosie, how's the swimming going?
09:29Are you still going?
09:30Yeah, I'm still going.
09:31The Siddiquis.
09:32I went the other day and my bag felt kind of light.
09:34Oh, no.
09:35So I did my swimming session, I went back into the changing room,
09:41put my briefs on and my T-shirt on
09:43and realised I didn't have any shorts or trousers.
09:48So I had to sheepishly get out of the swimming bath
09:51without anybody seeing me in my briefs and my T-shirt.
09:54Oh, my God.
09:55Yeah, then I had to get in my car, drive home, park on the drive
09:58and then quickly run out of the car into my house
10:01in just my pants and T-shirt.
10:03On Saturday, some news from space was making the headlines on the BBC.
10:08The news is really the only thing that keeps my brain from going stagnant.
10:12You know, I don't read a paper.
10:15Well, I can't justify spending eights your pee.
10:18Eights your pee? They're about 1.50 now.
10:20Fuck off.
10:22You're about to see the moment when Boeing's Starliner spacecraft
10:25left the International Space Station today to return to Earth,
10:29but it returned empty.
10:31Oh, shit.
10:32Without the two astronauts who were meant to be on board.
10:35Yeah.
10:36What?
10:37Buggered off without them.
10:38What's happened to them then? Where are they?
10:40This is what happens when you book cheap flights.
10:42Yeah, like, you know...
10:44The return's not always guaranteed.
10:47A technical fault means the pair must now remain on the space station
10:51until at least February.
10:52February next year?
10:54Well, it ain't going to be this year, is it?
10:56They're going to spend Christmas in space?
10:59I don't think Santa goes that far.
11:01Boeing's Starliner capsule on its way home.
11:04Beginning its six-hour voyage.
11:06No, but let's be fair, they could have been home in six hours,
11:09couldn't they?
11:11It's not as far as fucking Blackpool, is it?
11:14NASA's Sonny Williams and Butch Wilmore
11:16will now stay on the International Space Station.
11:19Do you know what one word springs to mind?
11:21Claustrophobic.
11:22Can you imagine me and you in a small space?
11:24No, I can't. Huh?
11:26We'd murder each other.
11:28There'd only be one of us coming in back.
11:31And that'd be me.
11:33In the night sky of New Mexico, a first glimpse of the capsule.
11:37Three good parachutes looking great.
11:40Its descent is slowed as it closes in.
11:43Touchdown. Starliner is back on Earth.
11:47Right, let's just get something straight here.
11:49The original thing what they went up in,
11:51that's back down on the ground.
11:53Broken, they couldn't get in, it wasn't safe.
11:55So, what are they in?
11:57Space station.
12:01It's like an airport, let's say, in the air.
12:04From a human perspective,
12:06all of us feel happy about the successful landing.
12:10A success? How can that be a success?
12:12There's supposed to be two astronauts on it.
12:14But then there's a piece of us, all of us,
12:16that we wish it would have been the way we had planned it.
12:20What was the problem with it then?
12:22I don't know.
12:23I mean, it's come back for right?
12:25I don't know.
12:27So, what's the problem?
12:29I don't know.
12:30If my mum got stuck in space, I'd be so worried.
12:33Well, this is it.
12:36She's never going to go into a spaceship like that ever.
12:41Does your mum want to, like?
12:43No, but I'm just saying if she ever did, I'm going to tell her no.
12:47Silly.
12:49I can't cope with her getting stuck in space.
12:52In Sorry...
12:53What have you got on your arm?
12:55My Swifty bangles.
12:56What do they say?
12:57Superstar, gorgeous, change and fearless.
13:01They're all her songs.
13:03Simon and his sister Jane.
13:05So, should I wear Swifty bangles then?
13:10What do you mean?
13:12It's annoying.
13:13It's annoying.
13:14It's annoying.
13:15It's annoying.
13:16It's annoying.
13:17It's annoying.
13:18It's annoying.
13:19It's annoying.
13:20It's a nice try, Jane, but tell me five of her songs.
13:24Fearless, Superstar, change...
13:26Oh, that's cheating.
13:29On Monday night, the boys in blue were catching criminals on Channel 5.
13:34Police intercept us. This is jokes.
13:38I think what it is when they shout, that makes it more scary.
13:42You know, like, get on the floor, get on the floor.
13:50As soon as a police car goes behind you, you do think,
13:53is it taxed, is it MOT'd, is it insured?
13:55Yeah. Have I been drinking?
13:57I'd better get off the phone. Yeah.
14:02It's nearly lunchtime and the 999 calls
14:05reported a possible drug deal in Northampton town centre.
14:08Hold on, Jane. Here we go.
14:10Oh, brilliant. Lunchtime drug deal.
14:13Lewis Marks is one of a team of cops who are busy surrounding the area.
14:17Oh, they're going to do a stakeout, man.
14:19It's all quiet on the Northamptons front until...
14:24Oh, here we go. Oh, he's off, he's off. Let's go, let's go.
14:27Word comes in that the suspect clopped the cops and legged it.
14:30Oh, I don't think I can watch this footage, Mary.
14:33Their guy has reached the park and has two advantages over Lewis.
14:37Oh, right. What's the advantages?
14:39A massive head start and a bike.
14:42And a bike? And a bike!
14:45Borrow your bike. Let me borrow your bike.
14:47Let me borrow your bike.
14:48What bugger are you borrowing my bike?
14:50It was £195 from Halfords, this. Built.
14:53Built.
14:55Up there, up there. Oh, he's off.
14:57Oh, he'll be caught.
14:59Lewis is burning rubber in pursuit.
15:01Come on, PC Lewis. Come on, Bet, you can get him.
15:04Peddle hell for leather.
15:05The Cavalier Copper is making ground on his phone.
15:09Oh, he's catching up. Go on, lad.
15:11Come on, Lewis. Use them legs faster.
15:13Drop a gear, disappear.
15:16Who's now out of the park on an adjacent pavement.
15:19Oh, he's there, look. Is that the baddie? Yeah.
15:21My guy's chill. He was on the phone and everything.
15:24I just got away. Yeah, this facility, they can get me.
15:27Unaware of the mounted cavalryman galloping from the trees nearby.
15:31There's the copper.
15:32He's unaware of the mounted cavalryman.
15:34Oh, my God.
15:35As he nears the park exit,
15:37Lewis is on a collision course for the oblivious dealer.
15:40He's on a collision course.
15:42He's on a collision course.
15:43They're going to bash into one another now.
15:45Across the road and bang on target.
15:48Oh, he's there. He's there.
15:52Oh!
15:53Yeah! Let's have it!
15:57Oh, my God.
15:58Fucking rammed into him.
16:00He's just ghosted that bike into the deep.
16:03It's not even his bike.
16:05That's not a bike. That's not a bike.
16:08Taste that, you drug dealer.
16:10That's a proper intercept, isn't it?
16:12Just going to get this back to the bloke I borrowed it from, all right?
16:16Oh, he's taking it back to the guy.
16:18Oh, isn't he good?
16:19That poor guy, when he gets his bike back and it's just destroyed.
16:23Yeah, yeah.
16:24Oh, thanks, mate.
16:25I'm sure it had two wheels on it before.
16:28The search of the scene turned up a large quantity of cash
16:31and phones with messages relating to drug supply.
16:34Or Bunaphones, they call them, Sean.
16:37But, disappointingly, no drugs.
16:39What?
16:40Oh, fuck's sake, there's nothing on him.
16:42What a waste of time.
16:43However, a CT scan of the suspect revealed a kinder egg
16:47plugged where you wouldn't want to eat it.
16:49Oh! A kinder egg?
16:53And containing multiple wraps of heroin and crack.
16:56Oh, yeah, it was up his crack.
16:58Yeah.
16:59You've hurt him, have you?
17:01No-one's shoved a kind...
17:03Huh? I thought you said he's eaten a...
17:05He's shoved a kinder egg up his arse!
17:07He haven't.
17:08How can you do that?
17:10But it's a good hiding place, actually.
17:13Hiding stuff in your bottom in a kinder egg.
17:17You could hide all sorts in there.
17:19Jewels, all sorts.
17:22Not for long.
17:23I've not seen anyone shoplifting in Waitrose
17:26and putting steaks and Manuka honey in their back bottoms.
17:33In Blackpool...
17:34I bet you're getting a take-away tonight, aren't you?
17:36Cos Paige is away.
17:37I've already decided, kebab.
17:39Course you are!
17:40Yeah, cos she always goes for it.
17:42You're not having kebab cos it's dry and spooky.
17:45Pete and his little sister Sophie.
17:48Tomorrow, I'll be led on the couch most of the day
17:52in my only fools and horses dressing gown
17:55with Paige's slippers on.
17:57Yeah, that you've had since you were 21.
17:59Yeah, it's only nine years.
18:01Got another 30 years left in that.
18:03This week, Paramount plus Baird Hall with a brand-new reality show.
18:08Do you know what this is?
18:09What?
18:10Naked dating.
18:11This country used to be more interested in classical music and poetry
18:16and now it's gone to barnyard culture.
18:19These ten singles are all fed up with the world of dating.
18:24They're all good-looking, aren't they?
18:26So I don't know why they can't get dates.
18:28They're taking their search for love to a whole new level.
18:33No!
18:35Taking the clothes off.
18:37By bearing all.
18:39They're all naked.
18:41Stark, bollock naked.
18:45Taking off every single thing.
18:50Tits, dicks, ugh.
18:52This is just another excuse for people to perv.
18:55What else can you do naked?
18:57I'm surprised they haven't done, like, the great British make-off
19:00with the baked food, but naked.
19:07Right, who's ready for some wholesome family entertainment?
19:10With the emphasis on whole.
19:12In the programme, we saw Rylan introducing a new housemate.
19:16Ladies, meet Sean.
19:18Oh, wow!
19:23Oh, look at Sean.
19:25Oh, he's a spanner in the workshop.
19:28Bloody hell.
19:29I'm excited to make an impact, I'm excited to go for what I want,
19:32and if I see a beautiful lady there...
19:34Fuck me!
19:36Shit!
19:38I'm going to go for it. Let's go have some fun.
19:41Fuck, who's going to give you a run for your money, innit?
19:44Oh, my God. It's like a rifle range.
19:47Aren't your glasses for distance?
19:49I don't need them.
19:51What did you like the look of?
19:54This is primal.
19:56He probably doesn't know where the hell to look.
19:58Well, this is it.
20:00Look at Lauren.
20:02Lauren.
20:03Fuck me.
20:05Look.
20:06You see how Lauren immediately looks at Billy?
20:08Mm.
20:09Who she's with.
20:10Mm. Billy doesn't look too happy with his hands on his hips.
20:13He's definitely drooped a bit.
20:15It's going to be a soul fight here, I think.
20:17Hello. Welcome, welcome.
20:19Welcome to the house.
20:22Cheers.
20:24Do any of them have pubes?
20:26No, there's not a pube in sight here, Ellie.
20:28We do not want legs agape, do we, Natty?
20:32Do you know the expression agape?
20:34Yeah, it doesn't mean what you think.
20:36It's a spiritual... A gape.
20:38Yeah, a gape. It's different.
20:40We do not want legs agape. No.
20:42Can I pull you for a chair? Yeah, of course.
20:46Oh, Sian's pulling Lauren for a chair.
20:49Billy's not going to be happy.
20:51He's took Lauren away.
20:52Well, it was bound to happen at some point.
20:54I think if I did explore things with Lauren,
20:56I might ruffle some feathers, but, you know,
20:58that's why we're all here, to meet new people
21:00and make new connections.
21:01I'm not listening to a word he's saying, are you?
21:03A bit later, Sian and Lauren went on a date
21:06and got to know each other a bit more.
21:10I'm a very happy lad at the moment.
21:12HE GASPS
21:13Fucking hells bells, man.
21:15Oh, and it's a massage as well. Come on!
21:17Enjoy massaging, eh? Do you?
21:19I actually do. It feels good.
21:21I mean, she's exclusive with matey, but...
21:24She's having a naked massage from somebody else.
21:29You all right if I touch your bum? Yeah.
21:31Have fun down there.
21:33Have fun down there, she said.
21:35I think Lauren looks like she's thoroughly enjoying this.
21:38SHE LAUGHS
21:39That feels nice.
21:41If I were him, I'd probably be having to think
21:43of Ann Widdicombe or something.
21:45Just to keep...
21:47Just to keep the blood from flowing down to my nether regions.
21:51SHE LAUGHS
21:52To keep the wool from the door.
21:54Cheers, lovely. First date.
21:56Oh, they're in the bath now.
21:58How do you feel that I picked you and that you're here with me?
22:01How do you feel now?
22:03Yeah, no, it's nice. It's really nice.
22:05I feel like you and Biddy are very different.
22:07Oh, I think she's going off him now. Oh, yeah.
22:09I think she likes the look of Sian,
22:11but I don't think the personalities of either of them
22:14are the same.
22:15The personalities are vibing.
22:17You're just very different people in different ways,
22:19like lots of different ways, but, yeah,
22:21it's been nice getting to know you and chatting to you.
22:23I feel like Sian's going to walk away from this like,
22:25I've scored, and she's walking away thinking,
22:27man, I'm going to stick with Billy. Yeah.
22:29How are you doing, Lauren? Good.
22:31Where are the others? Huh? Where are the others?
22:33Oh, Billy, be cool, mate. Don't push her away.
22:35Exactly.
22:36Jump up, give her a hug and say, did you have a good time?
22:39We went on a different date.
22:41She did the right thing. She did do the right thing.
22:43She really did.
22:44Maybe they have genuinely got a good connection, then.
22:49Yeah, it was nice, it was nice,
22:51but I just don't think it's fair.
22:53You're fucking better not be.
22:55She's sticking with Billy.
22:56Watching that's made me just kind of want to get naked.
23:01No, Sian.
23:02Like, not right now, I would use it,
23:04but I'm going to spend a bit of time later in my room just naked.
23:07Sian, that is too much information.
23:09What you do in your own bedroom
23:11is what you do in your own bedroom.
23:13I don't want to know. I really don't want to know.
23:16Close your curtains because you live on the ground floor, Sian.
23:27In Leeds...
23:28I really love having you over because I love tidying up after you.
23:31Is that what you have help for?
23:33No, I need to show you this and we need to discuss it
23:35because who opens a sandwich packet like that?
23:38I was hungry.
23:39Best friends Danielle and Daniella.
23:42That's psychopathic.
23:43How is that psychopathic?
23:44That's the...
23:45Oh, I'm sorry, how would you open it, then?
23:47Well, with the opening bit.
23:49I never knew it did that.
23:50Oh, you're a psychopath. You're an actual psychopath.
23:54This week, it was the hotly anticipated return of Gary Oldman
23:58and his bunch of shabby spooks that got us revved up on Apple TV+.
24:04Hey!
24:06What's that?
24:08A horse.
24:09Yeah?
24:10Yeah.
24:11Slow?
24:12A slow horse.
24:13Slow horses?
24:14Oh, I've got a slow cooker.
24:19Do you think you've got what it takes to be an MI5?
24:23I think I do all right, you know.
24:25OK.
24:26Didn't you used to think that your mate's dad worked for MI5
24:28because he said he was a keyring salesman?
24:32Yeah, but what sort of keyring salesman is never at home?
24:38In the latest news, Arsenal have put their latest offer up for break.
24:47She's one of the slow horses.
24:49OK.
24:50Yeah, there's just been something that I've wanted to share with you for a while.
24:53This is River. He's usually one of the more competent of them.
24:57I don't want to overstep the mark or anything,
24:59and I get it if you want to keep it to work when it comes to us.
25:02Oh, River, I'm sorry, I do like him.
25:04But my grandfather did...
25:05Oh.
25:06Oh, hang on, she thought he was hitting on her, and he wasn't.
25:09Awkward.
25:10Do you think I was going to ask you out?
25:12No, I didn't.
25:13Yes, you did.
25:14Well, you did sound like that.
25:15I didn't.
25:16Yeah, you did.
25:17OK, I did.
25:18That's awkward.
25:19Well, I do, I feel closer to you.
25:20OK, can we just go on to your grandfather now, please?
25:22His grandad was, like, a famous spy.
25:24I think he's going.
25:25Going where?
25:26Oh...
25:27Dementia.
25:28Yeah.
25:29She's not bright for a spy, is she?
25:30No.
25:31Do you think that maybe he should be in a home?
25:33Yeah, yeah, I do.
25:34But do you want to tell him that?
25:35No, because I don't know your grandad.
25:37You know, the last time I saw him, he genuinely didn't know who I was.
25:42Oh, God.
25:43That's the worst thing.
25:44He kept telling me about his grandson, River.
25:46Like, I can't...
25:50It's horrible to see it.
25:52Well, tough shit.
25:54Tough shit.
25:55That's what you want.
25:56Just what you need.
25:57Yeah.
25:58That's what you need, that big cuddle.
25:59Yeah.
26:00Tough shit.
26:01Suck it up, buttercup.
26:02You need to go and see him.
26:04Tonight.
26:05Oh, I know, I know, I know.
26:06That was a good bit of tough love, that was, wasn't it?
26:08Sort it out, you've got to go and look after him.
26:13You're there.
26:14Come on, let me see you.
26:15Come on.
26:16This is me when I'm walking.
26:19Come on!
26:23Paranoia.
26:24It's the paranoia, but I'm looking out for dogs as well at the same time.
26:28Let me see you.
26:29Come on!
26:31He could be absolutely sane and know somebody's there,
26:34or be old and confused.
26:37Yes.
26:38Oh, man, can you imagine having memory loss and be a spy?
26:41You're double paranoid.
26:45Oh, he's gone to sleep.
26:49Fucking hell.
26:50Shit, a break.
26:51Who's at door?
26:53Oh, River.
26:54Oh, it's River, is it River?
26:55Thankfully, he still recognises River.
26:57Oh, why didn't you call?
26:59Oh, maybe you did.
27:01I did call you, but you didn't answer.
27:03Did you see who it was?
27:04Did you see it was River?
27:05I'm just going to run up to the loo.
27:07The traffic was awful, and I tell you what,
27:09shall I run you a bath while I'm up there?
27:11Looks like you got caught in the rain too.
27:13That's not River, Jane.
27:14I don't like it, Simon.
27:16How do you know it's not River?
27:20Is he thinking River's not River?
27:26Oh, shit, he's gone for the gun.
27:28Oh, God.
27:29Almost ready, Gramps.
27:33Oh, no.
27:34Hang on.
27:35Did he call him Gramps?
27:36Yeah.
27:37Did... Does River call him Gramps?
27:39I don't know, Jane.
27:40Don't stop putting me under pressure.
27:42I'm not a spy.
27:45Oh, my God.
27:47Fuck, he's going to shoot his own grandson.
27:49This is pretty terrifying, isn't it?
27:55Oh, no!
27:56Oh, God, Simon.
27:58You're not my grandson.
27:59Fuck.
28:00Is it?
28:01It's me.
28:02It's River.
28:03Come on, please, realise.
28:04Please, can you put the gun down, please?
28:06Oh, no.
28:08No!
28:10He's fucking killed him.
28:11Right, I'm not watching any more.
28:13Oh, my God.
28:15What have I done?
28:16David!
28:17What have you done?
28:19Can't be River.
28:20He's only just bastard-started.
28:21River's the good one, aren't he?
28:23Oh, he's just arrived.
28:24I'll call you back.
28:28Your lamb.
28:29He's head...
28:30Oh, he's the chief. ..of the misfits.
28:31Yeah.
28:32Yeah, River worked for him, didn't he?
28:33Yes.
28:34It's bad in there.
28:37I've seen bad before.
28:39Oh, no, he must be dead.
28:41That's terrible.
28:45Whose child, this?
28:48You're right, it is bad.
28:49This fucking grouch is shocking.
28:51He was carrying this.
28:54Phone and wallet.
28:55By his cart rides.
28:56Oh, no.
28:57What the fuck do you need me for, then?
28:59Formal identification.
29:00Well, how can you tell if it's him?
29:02What, when he's been shot through the fricking face?
29:04Did he have any identifying marks?
29:06He used to have a face.
29:10Fricking hell, Mr Lamb.
29:12Tattoos, scars, piercings.
29:14Oh, fucking hell.
29:16Jesus Christ.
29:17I don't think it's River.
29:19Yeah, yeah, it's him.
29:21Oh, it is him.
29:22You're sure?
29:23It's River Cart, right?
29:25If I got murdered,
29:26I wouldn't want bloody Cockney Gym Royal investigating it.
29:29No.
29:30Something fishy here, Julie.
29:35Where's the taxi?
29:37In Paris.
29:38He's in bloody Paris.
29:40How did you know it was Paris?
29:41It says Parisian on the taxi.
29:44Where the hell are you?
29:45Who's is that passport?
29:47The guy whose face is blown off in the bathtub, probably.
29:51It's River!
29:52He's still alive?
29:53He didn't get shot in the face, that's a bonus.
29:55Yeah.
30:00Is that it? Is that it?
30:02I am hooked like crochet.
30:04Grippings.
30:05He wants to be careful in that taxi, actually,
30:07because as soon as I stepped foot in Paris,
30:09me and Ben nearly got ripped off.
30:11Should have known the guy was taking us out of Fire Exit
30:14to get to the taxi.
30:16Oh, dear, oh, dear, like taken.
30:18It was.
30:19It leads...
30:20What have you got there?
30:22So, last night in bed, panicked buying a bag.
30:26Well, I ordered this one because it would come today.
30:28The other one is actually what I really want for the wedding.
30:31Sisters Ellie and Izzy.
30:33Ooh!
30:35Can I have it? What do you think?
30:37Well, what's the other one you've ordered?
30:39Can I have that one?
30:40What, the other one?
30:42You can't have the other one. The other one's pink.
30:44That's the one that I want.
30:45Well, I'll have that one, then.
30:47Do I want it's maiden voyage to be with you?
30:50All over Instagram,
30:52and then people think that I've borrowed your bag.
30:55HE LAUGHS
30:57On Sunday, it was an interview with the Prime Minister
31:00that made headline news on the BBC.
31:03HE LAUGHS
31:05Brilliant.
31:06Oh, we've got the news on in a minute, Ron,
31:09and then we're off for a nice roast dinner in the Calvary.
31:12That'd be nice.
31:15Is there ever a government that is popular, though?
31:18Usually, though, at the start of a new government,
31:22that's when you're at your most popular, isn't it?
31:25Yeah.
31:26But he's not started on the best footing, has he?
31:28We're going to have to be unpopular.
31:30Tough decisions are tough decisions.
31:33Popular decisions aren't tough, they're easy.
31:35It's only when you're popular that you're popular.
31:38It's only when you're popular that you're popular.
31:41Popular decisions aren't tough, they're easy.
31:43It's only unpopular to the people who are going to be out-of-pocket,
31:47and aren't that many people going to be that out-of-pocket?
31:51The things the last government ran away from,
31:53that governments traditionally run away from,
31:55I'm convinced that because they've run away from difficult decisions,
31:58we haven't got the change we need for the country.
32:01Oh, it's all the Conservatives' fault, you see,
32:03they've run away from these difficult decisions.
32:05It's always about the last government.
32:07He can't keep singing that song for too long, can he?
32:11His early popularity problems mainly stem from the decision
32:14to scrap winter fuel payments for all but the poorest pensioners.
32:17It's pissed off the pensioners, aren't it?
32:19What's that axe in the winter fuel payments?
32:21What does it mean by that?
32:23So they used to give a winter fuel payment to every single OEP,
32:27but now they're going to means test it.
32:29OK, so only give it to the people that need it.
32:31That need it. No, I read that.
32:33The government says it will save over a billion pounds this year
32:36by doing so. Wow. A billion pounds?
32:39Yeah, it'll save over a billion pounds on the fuel allowance,
32:42but it'll spend that tenfold on the NHS when they've all got pneumonia.
32:47A necessary saving because of claims of a £22 billion black hole
32:51in the country's finances.
32:53Oh, this bloody black hole.
32:55Nearly half of that £22 billion, £9 billion,
32:58comes from decisions that your government has made
33:02to give many public sector workers pay rises above inflation.
33:07You say it's above inflation now,
33:09but they've been held back and had freezes for so many years.
33:12Exactly.
33:13That was a popular decision, to pay the public sector workers more.
33:17Well, he's robbing Peter to pay Paul, isn't he?
33:19That's what he's doing.
33:21I cannot fault him on giving them pay rises.
33:24Can't fault him on that.
33:26I can't fault him on taking the money off the pensioners.
33:29That's ridiculous.
33:31After being elected to achieve change, it's been a gloomy debut.
33:35It's gloomy, but I still get a vibe
33:37that you've got an adult in charge now, though.
33:39Do you reckon? Yeah.
33:41I mean, the thing is, the country is in a mess.
33:44It's going to take a time to fix it.
33:46I mean, the main thing that'll have been going through
33:49Sir Keir's head at the moment will be to get past that 45-day marker.
33:52That's the golden number.
33:54Yeah, because then at least you've outlasted Liz Trills.
34:02In Wiltshire...
34:04I've been to Italy,
34:06and I didn't come back empty-handed, Mary.
34:10So, present time, two egg cups, his and hers.
34:13Beautiful.
34:15I've got something else for you, Mary.
34:17..Giles and his wife, Mary.
34:19I've bought a very, very useful Italian tool, Mary.
34:23A table, dustpan and brush,
34:26so that when you've had your boiled egg and soldiers,
34:29you can very quickly...
34:32..sweep up the... Oh, right, sorry, Giles.
34:34..sweep up the... But it is plastic and it is grey.
34:37Do you know how much this cost me? A pound.
34:40€1.50. Yeah.
34:42I almost bought five of them.
34:44They're horrible. Five of them for Christmas.
34:46Sorry, Giles, it's... Yeah, but look how neatly it fits.
34:49Yeah, it's a nice idea, but it's grey.
34:51On Monday, more long-distance love affairs
34:54were blossoming on Discovery+.
34:57Oh, this is mad.
34:58This is about people, like, create relationships online
35:02and stuff like that.
35:04Aw. Bloody mental, innit?
35:06Do you know what?
35:07Fair play to people that believe in, like, dreams like this, you know?
35:10If Nat proposed to me, then I'd get married in 90 days.
35:13So he didn't have time to change his mind.
35:18The fiancé is the bit where you go,
35:21I'm kind of... I'm at the checkout, but I'm not paid.
35:24Yes.
35:25So the fiancé bit is OK.
35:29Yes.
35:30You're in doodle.
35:32When you've crossed the line.
35:34Once the ink's dry.
35:39Is that her name? Tiger Lily?
35:41Tiger Lily!
35:4341? Yeah.
35:45Today, I am leaving for Jordan.
35:47Jordan in the Middle East?
35:49And I'm going to be meeting my fiancé.
35:53I'm meeting my fiancé, Adnan, in person for the first time.
35:58I wonder if he's heard her voice before.
36:01I could be a game-changer.
36:03Right after I land, Adnan and I are going to be married.
36:07Right after she lands, they're going to be married.
36:10My name is Adnan. I am 22 years.
36:13Oh, you're lucky, yeah.
36:15He's only 22!
36:17That's why she wants to marry the booger straight away.
36:19Is that for age?
36:21I'm from Amman and I love my life.
36:24Sound. Sound!
36:26Fucking sound, pal.
36:28Why would he want to marry a 41-year-old from Texas?
36:31I believe in Islam.
36:33Because of my belief, I don't respect sex before marriage.
36:38Oh, he's a traditional fella.
36:40I mean, that's quite nice.
36:42He's got a moral compass, which is quite refreshing on a programme like this.
36:47He's the first moral compass we've seen for decades.
36:51Now, I could be mistaken,
36:53but I don't think she's going to be in the same canoe.
36:56Once he's married, he can have a bonk.
36:59Yeah, to put it bluntly.
37:01It's so important to me to get married in the same day as Tiger Lee coming
37:05because we are only... We have a six-day together.
37:09Oh, that's hilarious! Like he's on a time schedule.
37:12I have six days and I can go.
37:14HE LAUGHS
37:16Let's get a move on. Yalla!
37:18I feel, like, a little bit nervous
37:20because it's the first time I'm seeing her in person.
37:23Oh, here we go, here we go. There she is.
37:25Finally, baby! Hi, baby!
37:30Oh!
37:35Finally, you're with me now.
37:37Aw, nice hug. That's quite sweet.
37:39Well, they both look happy, don't they? They do, yes, yes.
37:42That's a good sign. Uh-huh.
37:48So... Ooh.
37:54Where's the chat?
37:56You'd think they would talk. Yeah.
37:58They haven't ever met, so you'd be really...
38:00Ask them what kindergarten he goes to.
38:03HE LAUGHS
38:05What time do you go to school in the morning?
38:07Yeah. Do you have packed lunch on Easter dinners?
38:10HE LAUGHS
38:12Do you have any sisters?
38:14I have five sisters.
38:16No. Five sisters... Wow!
38:18..and nine brothers.
38:20What?! What?!
38:22Frigging hell, that's a lot of kids, innit?
38:24How many kids do you want?
38:26Maybe five? Five?
38:28They've only got six days, so that's one baby a day.
38:30Five. For the next six days.
38:32You didn't even tell me, baby.
38:34She's thinking, shit! Five!
38:36Would that not be able to answer your questions?
38:38Do you want kids?
38:40You'd think, wouldn't you? Yeah. And how many?
38:42Yeah. Yeah. It's normal.
38:44What are you going to do when you live with me in the US?
38:48I'm just coming one week in one year.
38:50Did he just say to her,
38:52I'll just be coming for one week a year?
38:56It seems like Adnan is going to want to spend
39:00a lot more time in Jordan than I thought.
39:02There's a lot of small print missing, isn't there?
39:04Yeah!
39:06We out of here? Oh, my gosh.
39:08No, don't do it, Tiger Lily.
39:10How's she going to get out of this?
39:12It is really starting to hit me
39:14that I am marrying someone
39:16that I just met a few hours ago.
39:18Yeah. Yeah.
39:20I think, you know, at what point is she going to think,
39:22maybe let's just pump the brakes a little bit?
39:24Yeah.
39:26They've not even eaten a meal together.
39:28Just a dab of brakes would be nice at this stage.
39:30A sprinkling of brakes.
39:32This could be the biggest mistake of my life.
39:36Oh! It is.
39:38Maybe I don't want to do it.
39:40I think that's the first sensible thing she's said
39:42all through the show.
39:44Are you ready?
39:46Is she going to go in?
39:48Oh, is she, isn't she?
39:50Don't do it! Don't do it!
39:52Listen to your gut! Listen to your gut.
39:54Back out now.
39:56Oh!
39:58Oh, frigging hell!
40:00Does she? Does she? Does she?
40:02Why am I getting caught up in this shite?
40:04I'm kind of obsessed with how far Adnan's going for a shag.
40:08Yeah.
40:10He's actually a flown, a 41-year-old Texan woman.
40:12Oh. Over.
40:14That is next level horn.
40:16Yeah.
40:18In Bristol...
40:20What does it feel like to wear crochet trousers?
40:22I like it, but I don't know if I could pull it off.
40:24You're too slim.
40:26Yeah, it would be hanging on me, innit?
40:28Too slim.
40:30For white people.
40:32Brothers Tremaine, Twain and Tristan.
40:34White people, yeah?
40:36White. I don't know if you could refer to them as white.
40:40Yeah, it's more of a stocky build, innit?
40:42He's short and white.
40:46This week saw the return of Channel 5's Saucy School-based miniseries.
40:50You ready for some new drama?
40:52Yeah, about time.
40:54The Teacher. Ooh!
40:56Wilmella. Ooh!
41:02Oh, my days, I've literally been dying to watch this.
41:06It's getting to drama season now.
41:08It's drama weather. It is.
41:10The drama weather is coming.
41:12Yeah, the summer's over.
41:14And it's dramas and Strictly. Mm-hm.
41:16Roll up, roll up, all aboard the adventure of a lifetime.
41:19In the programme, we saw schoolteacher Danny
41:22gathering her students together in the playground.
41:25Nothing beats having a sailing down a vertical cliff
41:28at 8.30 in the morning.
41:30Oh, they must be going on a trip of some sort, like a school trip.
41:33OK, let's go.
41:35Oh, it's him. Wilmella, yeah?
41:37Ey up, Wil.
41:39You do know, like, normal teachers hate school trips.
41:42Wilmella in Hollyoaks.
41:44My idol.
41:46Do you know what, that's when Hollyoaks was popping, I'm not going to lie.
41:49Yeah, I fancied the pants off Wilmella.
41:52Yeah, I don't know when things started to change between us.
41:55Look at this cabin in the woods.
41:57Oh, that's nice, isn't it? Look at that.
41:59Twinkly lights around the cabin.
42:01I can't remember the last time we had fun together.
42:05I try to arrange stuff for concert a weekend away, but...
42:09Oh, no, she's talking about her shit marriage... Yeah.
42:13..to the fit teacher. Yeah.
42:15We know where this is going.
42:17Yeah, this is where work husbands come into play.
42:19Hey.
42:21How's your little nightcap?
42:23I'm going to have to copescate that.
42:25Have to get it off, isn't it?
42:27I'm sensing a bit of flirtation between them two, are you?
42:30Bit of chemistry, ain't there? Mmm.
42:32Bit of sexual tension.
42:34You've got to water the grass of a relationship,
42:36otherwise somebody else will.
42:38Mella.
42:41Yeah, I get it.
42:43I see why you love it here.
42:47She's getting a bit touchy-feely, ain't she?
42:49Not the chest stroke. Thank you.
42:51She's touting for an affair, the dirty bitch. Yeah.
42:57Ooh! Oh, wow!
42:59Oh, he been wanting to do that for a long time.
43:01You can tell.
43:04What was that? It was a crack.
43:06Somebody's watching.
43:08Shit. Shit. Shit indeed.
43:10To be fair, if a student knows anything like that,
43:13that could be very dangerous for Danny, innit, that?
43:16If anyone needs a hand with the knots, let me know.
43:18Not bad with knots.
43:21About last night.
43:23Listen, I'll be cleaning the boathouse later, if you need me.
43:27The boathouse, if you know what I mean.
43:29He wants a bit more.
43:31That would just wetten the appetite, that.
43:33Oh, my God, Tyler, get your legs up!
43:35Legs up, Tyler, come on!
43:37Tell me you don't feel the same.
43:39He's coming on strong, isn't he, Jimmy?
43:41He not.
43:43Do I need to move to the loo?
43:45No, don't leave the kids unsupervised.
43:47She's going to go for round two.
43:49Yeah, for a quickie, that's what she wants.
43:52Look at him, man, come on. How can he say no to that?
43:55That's the pose, innit?
43:57Will's been stood there smouldering for the last 40 minutes,
43:59waiting for her to come. Yeah.
44:01What are you doing?
44:05You and I can't happen.
44:07Why are you here, then?
44:09So why are you here, then?
44:11Oh! I've done it, Jenny.
44:13SHE LAUGHS
44:15And what response do you usually get?
44:17Well, they don't actually turn up, I just practise the phrases.
44:21SHE SIGHS
44:23Really?
44:25She honestly has zero willpower!
44:30Oh!
44:32Literally, that whole building, it's just windows.
44:35Anyone could see them getting it on.
44:37They're going to get caught.
44:42Oh, no, not too much.
44:44Detail, please.
44:46We're going to give the full...
44:48We're British. Trampolining.
44:53Jesus Christ!
44:55Penetration station!
44:57SHE LAUGHS
45:03Back at the camp, where you should be.
45:09Where are the kids? Lost the kids. Shit, I've lost the kids.
45:12What the hell are you doing? Get off there, now!
45:15I told you to wait where I left you.
45:17Double standards, that. She would break it rules at boathouse, wouldn't she?
45:20Grab your things and head back to the centre. Where's Zak?
45:23Yeah, where is Zak? I don't know, he didn't come with us.
45:26Oh, Zak's gone missing. Where's Zak?
45:28She's really fucked up there, hasn't she?
45:30Count them.
45:31There were ten kayaks for my group here this afternoon.
45:34Yeah, there's nine.
45:35So there's one kayak missing and one child gone.
45:38I've got a bad feeling. I've got a really bad feeling.
45:41Imagine, imagine that she's lost the boy.
45:44Don't worry, we'll find him.
45:46He's watching us from somewhere, laughing.
45:48Please, Bill.
45:51What's she seeing?
45:54Oh, my God. Oh, no.
45:56Oh, there's a kayak! He's not in it, he's not in it.
45:59Oh, shit, where's Zak, then, love?
46:05SHE GASPS
46:06Oh, no, is that Zak in the water?
46:11SHE SCREAMS
46:12Shit, the bed!
46:13He's a goner.
46:14I think Officer Ted's going to have something to say about this.
46:17The most shocking thing about all that was how smooth Will Miller's arse is.
46:20It was so smooth, wasn't it?
46:22He'd ne'er that.
46:23Have you ever seen an arse that smooth on a grown man?
46:26No.