On the 'Box this week: Strictly Come Dancing, Phillip Schofield Cast Away, Nightsleeper, Emily in Paris, First Dates, Made in Bondi, Roux Back Down the River and Only Connect.
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00:00Hey, do you know something, though, Jen?
00:02I thought there was a leak and all in here.
00:04A leak? Yeah, behind that couch.
00:07What do you mean, a leak?
00:09You want to have a look behind that cushion, I bet you.
00:13I'm sure there was the other night.
00:16Where? Pull the cushion.
00:20Oh, what is it?
00:23Oh, it's green. What?
00:25Is it a leak? Is it?
00:27I knew I had a leak somewhere.
00:30Get out. Ow!
00:35Oh! No!
00:36Here we go. They've got him.
00:38Oh! What are you doing?
00:39Oh, she's a chicken nugget.
00:42Isn't it embarrassing, Merlin?
00:44Ha! Ha!
00:46Oh, kiss. Oh, that's a bit forward.
00:48This is raunchy, innit?
00:49Bring on the delves.
00:50Yeah!
00:52Who's in for the finger this week, innit?
00:54Oh.
00:55It's so bad, it's actually good.
00:57It's actually good. What just happened?
00:59Siri, call Ofcom.
01:02In the week we bid a fond farewell to acting legend Dame Maggie Smith,
01:06we enjoyed lots of great telly.
01:10There were more singletons hoping to meet their perfect match
01:13on Channel 4.
01:14What are you looking for in a partner?
01:16Only two things.
01:18I need to be attracted to them and they need to have a good heart.
01:22That's reasonable.
01:23I would add, and have a sense of humour.
01:29A sense of humour?
01:31Yeah, but what if their sense of humour changes
01:34and they suddenly become unfunny?
01:37That doesn't happen, does it?
01:38It's happened with us.
01:41I've become unfunny.
01:42My jokes used to be funny, but they aren't any longer.
01:45You're still occasionally funny.
01:48Enough to make it worthwhile.
01:49Yeah.
01:51E4 took its high-society hijinks down under.
01:56Thank you!
01:58You'd never do that for me, would you, Tom? Get a helicopter?
02:03Julie, I flew you into the Grand Canyon in a helicopter.
02:06Oh, yeah. And I flew you round the way in an helicopter.
02:09Oh, yeah!
02:11That was good, that. Thank you.
02:13You know, you forget everything you don't, though. Yeah.
02:16They do it in Salford as well, don't they?
02:18It's not the same in Salford, so...
02:21And the daytime legend was having some alone time on Channel 5.
02:26When you throw someone under a bus,
02:28you've got to have a really bloody good reason to do it.
02:30You created the bus and put your book down on Ames.
02:34You created, drove and threw yourself under the bus.
02:39So...
02:40You know, who's to blame?
02:51I thought 17 was such a big number.
02:53I can do big boy stuff now.
02:55What, like...? Drive. I drive. I can drive.
02:57I don't think anything else changes, does it?
02:59Meet Michael, Sally and their boys, Harry and Jake,
03:04who's just turned 17.
03:06You could have legally driven a car on the road last year
03:09as an agricultural vehicle, but you didn't want me to get you that.
03:11A what? Yeah, at 16, you can get an agricultural licence.
03:14What's that? Farm. Farm. Farming.
03:17Oh, yeah, you take the tractor round to school. Yeah.
03:19But you could also get quad bikes.
03:21I'll go pick up my girl on a tractor.
03:23LAUGHTER
03:24On Monday, there were more cryptic clues for clever folk on the BBC.
03:29Right, sit down, then, and be a good boy, OK?
03:32See if you can play Only Connect.
03:35You've never watched BBC Two?
03:36No, I don't. No. I didn't realise that existed.
03:39There you go. Old people do.
03:41Old people do. Oh, right.
03:43When I was in Cyprus, I went to the quiz every week.
03:45Did you enjoy it? I loved it.
03:47And they messaged me this week and said,
03:48oh, we could have done with you,
03:50what is the only city that has cream telephone boxes?
03:54All? Exactly.
03:58Family fun for everyone.
04:00I'm getting stressed already.
04:01I know. Don't worry, Rizzo, we're all rubbish at this.
04:04Joining me this evening, on my right...
04:06Usage...Breathus?
04:08Bethus? I think you've got it first time.
04:10Oh, my God. We don't even understand what the team name means.
04:13They do talk in a different language on this, don't you think?
04:16No, I think it's English. I think it's just way a bit thick.
04:20And their captain, Charles Dundas,
04:22a charity chief executive who owns 84 ordnance survey maps.
04:26Right. You know their intelligence straight away
04:28because I haven't got one ordnance survey map and I don't want any.
04:33United by a weakness for whisky, they are the Ushkabea.
04:36Ushkabea. The Ushkabeas?
04:39Well, it's like the water of life.
04:41Oh. Can we have the lion, please?
04:43Yes, you can.
04:45You'll be seeing some pictures.
04:47Oh, I like a picture round. Easy.
04:49Here's your first clue.
04:52Oh, that's... What's that?
04:53Oh, what's his name? Oh, shit.
04:56Is that Barney the Dinosaur? Oh, Barney.
04:58What is it, though? It's a costume.
05:03A dimmed-born... Who's that guy?
05:05He's Sean Connery. Who's he, though? We don't know who he is.
05:08Netflix.
05:11Who's that, Dad? No idea.
05:13Ooh, Tiff Nadell. Tiff Nadell.
05:15Nadell. Tiff. Barney the Dinosaur.
05:18Barney.
05:19What, a scrap? Oh, Ikey Munt.
05:21Ikey Munt, yeah. Having a different Barneys, innit?
05:24Next, please.
05:27Beef. Have them two men been roasting?
05:30Beefcakes. They've all been called Beefcakes.
05:33Er, nicknames for nationalities.
05:36Nicknames for what, Dennis?
05:37They are not nicknames for nationalities, I'm afraid.
05:39Oh, good. So I was struggling there.
05:42Are they all types of fight?
05:44They are fights.
05:45Oh, Barney!
05:47How are you meant to know it's called Barney?
05:49You're supposed to have seen... What's it on, Barney?
05:53How would we know it was Barney?
05:54This is what I hate about this programme.
05:56It assumes that we've all got the same rubbish in our heads as she has.
06:01Can we have water, please? Yes, you can.
06:03What would come fourth in this sequence?
06:05What comes fourth, Jane? What comes fourth? OK.
06:07Here's the first.
06:09Right, Angel, Devil...
06:12..or Wings or Halo.
06:14Next, please.
06:16Shaggy! Shaggy songs!
06:17Um, Shaggy.
06:19He wasn't me!
06:21Life is one big puddle when you're still young.
06:25But who's going to have you back when it's all done?
06:27Angel came after it, wasn't he?
06:29It's going to be his first time. I think he's missed it.
06:31I love this, man. I never thought they'd be discussing Shaggy in such depth.
06:35Mr Loverman? No!
06:37Unlucky.
06:39I'm going to show the third in a sequence to your opponents.
06:42You've got Shaggy, don't you? I told you, man!
06:44Your brain figs are out of the box!
06:47Bombastic. Mr Bombastic.
06:49Yeah, it's a song.
06:51Mr Bombastic, I think you're fantastic.
06:54Join in.
06:56Just me.
06:57I think if you don't know, you don't know.
06:58I am Shaggy. Did he say Shaggy?
07:00Yeah, the singer. I know, but what's he got to do with all them?
07:04Well, he sang them all. Oh, did he?
07:07These are going to be picture clues.
07:08What would you expect to see in the fourth picture?
07:10Right, come on, we're going to do this one. Here's the first.
07:13That's Rob Lowe. Who the hell's that?
07:15He's your hero. Oh, yeah.
07:17What's his name? Rob Lowe.
07:19Next.
07:21That's Peter Dinklage. Rob Lowe, Peter Dinklage.
07:23What's the connection between them two?
07:25Rob Peter to pay Paul.
07:27Yeah, next, please.
07:29Two pay. Two pay Paul.
07:30Yeah, Rob Peter to pay Paul. We got it.
07:33Have we got it right? We've got it. Got it, Mary.
07:36What? Now I like this programme.
07:37Well, what's the fourth word? I've changed my mind about it.
07:40I like it now. Yeah, but what's the fourth word?
07:42Robbing Peter to pay Paul. Oh.
07:43It's a phrase, yeah. Rob Peter to pay Paul.
07:45Exactly so. Did we get it right or did you two get it right?
07:48Oh, just us. We got it right.
07:50Yeah, this generation crushed that generation.
07:53To take something away from one person to pay another.
07:57Oh! OK, makes sense.
08:00Not really. Why Peter and Paul? Yeah.
08:03Do you know what I mean?
08:06In Glasgow...
08:08I want to take a selfie. Why?
08:10Cos I'm sending it. To who?
08:11I'm sending it to all my friends.
08:13..Rosheen and her boyfriend, Joe.
08:15Three, two, one, go. Wait, you're not in it.
08:18Right, OK, and go.
08:19Will, I look like we're on...
08:21Aw, that's love, that's candid.
08:23People love candid these days.
08:25Wait, you're literally just speaking, you're not even smiling.
08:30Stop doing that with your face.
08:33You look like a maniac.
08:35I don't. That's how you take a photo.
08:38Stop doing that! That's how you do it.
08:40You look crazy. I don't.
08:44On Friday night, there were more desperate diners
08:47hungry for love on Channel 4.
08:49Do you know what, Lee?
08:50I don't think I'd like to go on a first date again.
08:53You'd be lucky to fucking get one.
08:55Remember our first date?
08:58Yeah, in the garden centre. Yeah.
09:00Bacon and brie sandwich.
09:02Yes.
09:05It's gone to Bath now.
09:06Or, if you're posh, it's Bath.
09:13Honestly, the reason I don't think I've been on many second dates
09:15is the first guy went back to Thailand...
09:17Harry, I actually saw him the other day in Canterbury,
09:20just walking down.
09:21Oh, OK.
09:23He hasn't gone back to Thailand, I don't know what you're on about.
09:26This is 46-year-old salesman Stephen.
09:30He's quite handsome, isn't he?
09:32He's dressed nice. Looks like he smells good.
09:34I got divorced 13 years ago,
09:36and whatever I've been doing for the last 13 years,
09:38in terms of dating, obviously hasn't worked.
09:40He's just not met the right person.
09:4213 years?
09:43Some people gel and some people don't.
09:45What are you looking for in a partner?
09:47Only two things. All two.
09:49Come on, tell us.
09:50I need to be attracted to them, and they need to have a good heart.
09:53He's a nice guy. He's got nice, twinkly eyes.
09:56I hope he does find someone, cos he seems very sweet.
09:59I just want one woman for the rest of my life.
10:01Oh!
10:02Well, there's not much of it left at 46.
10:04Oh, come on, Nattie.
10:07Escaping playdates for a dinner date...
10:10Oh, here she is.
10:11..is mum of one, Rachel.
10:14Rachel.
10:15She looks lovely.
10:17I'm so nervous.
10:19She's 42, Umar.
10:22I don't think you will understand the premise of this show.
10:24Umar can't just watch it and go, I pick her.
10:26I'm just saying, for God's sake.
10:28My son sleeps for 12 hours a night now,
10:30so it means that I have the freedom to go out and meet somebody
10:33that I can do something with for 12 hours a night.
10:35SHE LAUGHS
10:37Stop laughing. That would put me off anyone that laughed for too long.
10:40Whose kid sleeps for 12 hours? That's what I want to know.
10:43There you are. Hello. Hello, how are you?
10:46I'm really good, thank you.
10:47Big smile from Stephen.
10:49I would start off with a handshake, Mary.
10:51Maybe build up to... Maybe build up to an embrace.
10:55What do you do for work?
10:56What do you do for work?
10:57So, I'm in IT. 20 years now. Oh, OK.
11:00So, yeah, what do you do?
11:01I have a business importing toilet roll made from sugar cane.
11:04Oh! What?
11:06Wait, with a sugar cane?
11:07That's really interesting.
11:08They extract the sugar for the food industry... Yeah.
11:11..and the leftover plant is made into toilet roll.
11:13Right, you've told her now, so let's get on with it.
11:15What a great topic of conversation this is.
11:17How do you make a plant into toilet roll, isn't it?
11:19Well, I think that's irrelevant.
11:21Do you want to be talking about bog roll on your first date?
11:25I designed all of the commercial dispensers,
11:27like the toilet roll dispenser, the hand towel dispenser
11:29and the soap dispenser.
11:30Surely the date's over when you mention commercial dispensers.
11:33Yeah. Ask her a question.
11:35Ask her about her day, how she's doing.
11:38Stop yapping about fucking toilet roll.
11:41So, it's the first five-ply toilet roll in the UK.
11:43Five-ply. Oh, that means five layers, yeah. Five layers.
11:45Oh, God, what are you doing?
11:47I've never seen five-ply. No.
11:49I've only ever seen three-ply.
11:51Five-ply, that would just be lovely.
11:53You'd feel very secure with five-ply.
11:55So, you mentioned your wife and you split up.
11:58Was that a trust issue as such?
12:00No, no, there was nobody else involved.
12:01Oh, I wonder what happened.
12:03I'm not sure how to answer it, really.
12:06Right.
12:07What does she mean by, I don't know how to answer that?
12:09Is there a bit of mystery there?
12:10I don't talk about it very much.
12:11Because?
12:12Come on, Steve.
12:15She's like this.
12:18I was born into a cult.
12:20What?
12:21Oh, my God!
12:23Now she's interested.
12:25You should have started with that.
12:26I kind of escaped on 13 years ago.
12:3113 years ago. 13 years ago.
12:33He married in the cult.
12:35That's some backstory.
12:36I left and I jumped out the bedroom window of my own home.
12:39Oh, wow.
12:40What did you land on?
12:41I lost everything.
12:43My job, my house, my friends, my family.
12:48Oh, man.
12:49So, Stephen's been for a lot then.
12:51We're two strangers sat opposite each other at a table
12:53and we got to walk away tonight with a skip in our step,
12:56with a smile on our face,
12:57and having shared an amazing evening.
12:59She's very nice, isn't she?
13:02Good heart.
13:02I just can't tell whether she likes him or she don't like him.
13:05It's been fantastic and I really do like her.
13:09Oh, he likes her, love.
13:10Is Rachel in or let's see?
13:15I think they make a nice couple.
13:16Oh, hang on, no, the eyes are not right.
13:18She's looking away.
13:19Would you like to see each other again?
13:22No.
13:23Yes.
13:24Her face is telling me no.
13:25Go on, say yes, go on, Rachel, say yes, it's a nice bloke.
13:28Yeah, we'll definitely see you again.
13:30Oh, yeah, me too.
13:31Would you?
13:32Yay!
13:35Oh, thank God.
13:37Good.
13:39Woo!
13:42Oh, he's nice and tall too, isn't he?
13:44That's what I like, I love love.
13:45You know, it can get quite awkward
13:47when me and Paige go on a date, you know?
13:49Because when I say, you know, look, let's split the bill,
13:52you know, I'm not going 50-50.
13:54If she's had the dearer meal, you know.
13:56Well, obviously.
13:58You've had.
13:58You pay for what you've had.
14:00Yeah, you've had two wines and the seafood linguine.
14:04I didn't actually touch the garlic bread, so.
14:06That's yours.
14:08So stupid.
14:09Can I have a doggie bag, please?
14:11Because I've not finished mine.
14:20In Wiltshire...
14:21What's happened to your Irish accent, Mary?
14:24A lot of people are asking that.
14:26Why? Because it's come back?
14:27No, it's gone.
14:29When you first came to London,
14:30did people tease you about your accent?
14:32Yeah.
14:33Giles and his wife, Mary.
14:35So I might say, in a voice similar to this,
14:39would you like to go to the ABC cinema tonight?
14:42And instead of saying yes or no, the person would say,
14:45would you like to go to the ABC cinema tonight?
14:50Oh.
14:51So I could make no conversational progress.
14:53That's all really annoying.
14:55Yeah.
14:55And would that be a hate crime now?
14:57Would be.
14:59On Monday night, Restaurant Royalty set sail
15:01for another cooking adventure on Food Network.
15:05You've been to Michelle Rue's junior's restaurant, haven't you?
15:08Were it the Langham?
15:09That were the Langham, yes.
15:10So have you eaten food of his?
15:13Well, it was his menu.
15:14I don't know whether he made it with his own fair hands.
15:17How were it?
15:18Nice.
15:19I tried tuna tartare.
15:22I'm back on the River Thames.
15:23Oh, he's on the River Thames.
15:25Oh, I would have picked a better river than that, wouldn't you?
15:29Returning to my galley to cook delicious recipes.
15:32That's a nice galley.
15:34Oh, it's called his little kitchen on the boat, his galley.
15:36That's what it's called.
15:38Is it?
15:39That's the name of a kitchen, well, a thing on the boat.
15:42Mm.
15:43Oh, wow.
15:44Ooh.
15:45Christ, was that a burger?
15:47Christ, that was a burger, that, wasn't it?
15:49Christ, that was a big burger, wasn't it?
15:51I've cooked in a galley before.
15:52What did you cook?
15:53A ham and cheese baguette.
15:55Fuck off, that's not cooking.
15:57This is my Rue back down the river.
16:01This would be your favourite type of holiday?
16:03100%, I'd love this.
16:04A rubber food cruise?
16:05Me, Michelle Rue and a boat.
16:07I have a dish also using simple ingredients.
16:10I like simple ingredients.
16:12I like simple.
16:13There we go, simple.
16:14Tell me what's simple about what you're going to cook.
16:16Not as process-heavy, but it will blow your taste buds away.
16:20I thought it was going to say to blow your tits off.
16:23It's a sweet soup.
16:25A sweet soup?
16:26I'm not into that.
16:27What would that be, about a sweet pea soup?
16:29I can be quite funny with my soups.
16:31Every time I go on a cruise...
16:32Yeah?
16:33I have soup all the time.
16:34Yeah, you do, you do.
16:35I do love soup.
16:36I'm making the soup with berries.
16:39So it's like a dessert soup?
16:42Oh, I might be interested.
16:43One of my all-time favourite herbs,
16:45and that is lemon verbena.
16:48Oh, I love the lemon verbena as well, let me tell you.
16:51How do we dash it out to everyone?
16:53Oh, I've never tried lemon verbena,
16:55but then again, I've never seen it in Asda.
16:57The basis of this dish is the wine.
17:00Oh, I might like it.
17:02And it's a semi-sweet wine, not a sweet wine.
17:04I want the soup to be sweet, but not too sweet.
17:08And it's got to be served ice-cold to be refreshing.
17:11Well, you've lost me straight away.
17:13Ice-cold soup.
17:14I know.
17:15Well, it's like a cassapio, isn't it?
17:18You see?
17:18Cassapio!
17:19On a hot day, I don't think,
17:21ooh, I'd just love some cold soup.
17:23It'll really refresh me.
17:24No, I think I'll have a solero instead.
17:26Exactly.
17:27So I've got some raspberries, blackberries and strawberries.
17:31That'd get me mixed up between the dessert
17:33and the start of that, wouldn't it?
17:34It's all right.
17:35I'd be putting cream on the top of that.
17:37Yeah, I would.
17:38I've served this dish before at my restaurant.
17:40And it shut down.
17:42Sometimes as a starter, sometimes as a dessert.
17:46Well, which is it?
17:47It can't be both.
17:48That's an interesting one,
17:49because I love cheesy garlic bread
17:51and I'd happily have that as a dessert also.
17:53I never get soup as a starter, it's shite anyway.
17:56Waste me time.
17:57Exactly.
17:58So I need to get this chilled and that's it.
18:00What?
18:01That's it?
18:03They have to stay in this syrup for at least a few hours.
18:07Right.
18:08Okay.
18:09I feel bamboozled, you know.
18:10I feel like I've been sent to the shop
18:11to get tart and bloody paint.
18:13Here we go.
18:15It's like me, Nutty.
18:16He does this a lot when he's talking about food.
18:22The colours are beautiful.
18:23Do you have a crusty cob with ale and dip it in?
18:26A crusty cob?
18:28Well, yeah, if it's a soup.
18:29My lemon verbena soup.
18:34Mmm.
18:35That is it.
18:35He's just eating it as it is.
18:37There's no the magical process.
18:38There's no cooking.
18:39Turn it into like oxtail.
18:41Any Delbergh could put that together, couldn't he?
18:43Yes, they could.
18:44Easy.
18:47No, I think it will be good.
18:49But it's annoying that he's calling it soup.
18:51That's the only thing.
18:53Be like if I said, I've made a meringue fish cake.
18:58Or if I gave you a vanilla ice cream
19:00and said, would you like a fried egg?
19:03Been home.
19:04I've got a full day Wednesday.
19:05I've got doctors in the morning.
19:07Oh, God.
19:08Visio, then bingo on the night.
19:10God.
19:11Sound, you know, rock and roll lifestyle, Jenny.
19:13Rock and roll lifestyle, you leave.
19:15I don't know where I find the time.
19:17Best friends, Jenny and Lee.
19:19I suffer in silence.
19:21You don't.
19:22I do.
19:22You suffer in silence.
19:24Soon as you walk in here, oh, my back is playing up.
19:26You'll have to make me do it.
19:28You'll have to make me do it.
19:29You'll have to make me do it.
19:29You'll have to make me do it.
19:30You'll have to make me do it.
19:31You'll have to make me a cup of tea.
19:33I've got to sit down.
19:34I can't move.
19:35No, I don't.
19:36No, no, yeah.
19:37And then, and then, I see you when you was on holiday
19:40going down a water slide.
19:41I'm not surprised you've got a bad back,
19:43you silly old bastard.
19:47This week, a familiar face had found his way
19:50onto Channel 5.
19:52You ready for cast away with Philip Schofield?
19:54Not really, no.
19:56Put it on, put it on.
19:57I am.
19:58I've been waiting for this.
19:58I am.
19:59Come on.
20:00I want to see this.
20:01I wonder if Holly Willoughby's going to watch it.
20:04Oh, I bet she will.
20:05Why do you think people would want to watch you
20:07survive when it goes on?
20:08When they're just nosy.
20:10That's it.
20:11We are.
20:11I think there'll be an awful lot of people
20:12who hope that I never come back.
20:14Oh, get a grip, Phil.
20:17In the last 18 months, my life has totally unravelled.
20:21Shamed, disgraced Philip Schofield.
20:24I locked myself away from the outside world.
20:27Do you know what, though?
20:28He's only human, though, isn't he?
20:29To be fair, Jenny.
20:30He's only human.
20:31Of course you would lock yourself away.
20:32He was at the top of his career.
20:34And all of a sudden, boom, gone, totally.
20:38How the mighty fool.
20:39But now, I want to see if the ultimate isolation
20:42can finally set me free.
20:44I'm on my own.
20:45I wonder what stance he's going to take on this now.
20:48Is it to get his career back?
20:50Is it, oh, woe is me?
20:52What's it for?
20:53As I'm marooned on a desert island for 10 whole days.
20:57Some people would call that holiday.
20:59Do the full 28 days.
21:02You know, you're hardly rushing back for work, are you?
21:05I know what I did was unwise.
21:07Unwise?
21:09When you throw someone under a bus,
21:11you've got to have a really bloody good reason to do it.
21:13Who could he be talking about?
21:15Well, there's only a select few names that can
21:18be drawn out of a hat there.
21:22I didn't realize that he was the castaway.
21:25It's a metaphor for the last 18 months of his life
21:28because he's being a cast out.
21:30He's being cast away.
21:32He's being cast out.
21:33He's an outcast.
21:34He's an outcast.
21:35Do you know who I genuinely feel sorry for in all of this?
21:39His wife and daughters.
21:40Yes.
21:44Finally, my new island home looms ahead.
21:48Doesn't look too much of a punishment, Mary,
21:50coming from rainy old England.
21:52That looks to me like everyone's idea of heaven.
21:55See you, guys.
21:58God, help me.
22:00Off you go now.
22:01Oh, look, he's carrying his arm on his back.
22:04Is that it?
22:04Oh, I'd want more than that.
22:06I'd spend days just in bed watching the news.
22:11Watch something else.
22:12There's loads of good things.
22:13Four in the beds on all day.
22:15That's good.
22:16Cancellation is a funny old thing because, you know,
22:19if you're cancelled, then that's it.
22:20I assume you're dead.
22:22You can't do anything.
22:23You know, everything you do is wrong.
22:24Correct.
22:25But yet you're here.
22:26You know, just bugger off and let me get on with the quiet life
22:29that you've all given me.
22:30Oh, somebody give me the world's smallest violin
22:34to play over Phillip Schofield.
22:36I will happily bugger off, sir, but, you know,
22:39you've put this out now.
22:40It's bearing a bit of malice, I think, Lee.
22:43Yeah.
22:44Well, wouldn't you?
22:44Yeah.
22:45A year ago, I got so, so close.
22:50Really?
22:51I were going to do it.
22:52We were going to go through with it.
22:53And it was Molly that was looking after me.
22:55Molly and Ruby both were looking after me at the time.
22:57I think Molly and Ruby are his daughters.
22:59Yeah, his kids.
23:00Molly said, do you imagine what this would do to us
23:05if you actually managed to pull this off?
23:07Oh, that's sad.
23:08I'm not surprised by that because I can imagine when it...
23:10Because his life has crumbled, hasn't it?
23:12Yeah.
23:13Absolutely crumbled.
23:14So he would have had those desperate thoughts.
23:16So I just raced to the family home and shut the gates.
23:21He was obviously on this pedestal.
23:23Everybody loved him before, and he's had, like,
23:25a severe fall from grace.
23:27I mean, it must have been really dark for him.
23:30And right at the end of the series,
23:32Phil wanted to show us all just how far he'd come.
23:36As the light starts to fade, it's time for my grand finale.
23:40What's the grand finale?
23:42What's he going to do?
23:43And I hope the start of a new beginning.
23:46Hopefully, everyone forgives me now
23:48and I can come back out in public, yeah?
23:50There's something that I've done here
23:51that I haven't shared with you yet.
23:53I don't think I want to know.
23:54Over the course of my 10 days, I have written down
24:00all the things and all the people who were
24:05and are toxic in my life.
24:07Oh!
24:08Oh!
24:09Read it out.
24:12Yes, dad, you're on this list.
24:13I know it.
24:14Yeah.
24:16It's there.
24:17He's going to burn it.
24:19I might do this.
24:20Who are you going to put in there?
24:22Well, wouldn't you like to know?
24:24Don't dwell on what you've lost.
24:28Live for what you have and be grateful for it.
24:33Yeah.
24:34Well, yeah.
24:34His head is full of fridge magnet...
24:38Cliches.
24:39Cliches, yeah.
24:40It's like he's been to one of those shops.
24:43Garden centres with fridge magnets.
24:45Garden centres and read a whole lot of fridge magnets.
24:47This next scene, I will shoot, but I need approval.
24:52Explicit approval.
24:54Explicit?
24:55Oh, shit.
24:56Not your knob out, Phil.
24:57God, he's going to get his cock out.
24:59It's like dancing around fire naked.
25:01La-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la.
25:04So I want to look forward with positivity and joy.
25:09Ah!
25:12Turn around, show us!
25:14Oh, I don't think I'd want to see that.
25:16Oh, I don't think I'd want to see, actually.
25:18Turkey's neck springs to mind.
25:20Can't unsee that, can you?
25:21Never in my life would I think I'm going to see
25:24Philip Schofield's arse running across the screen.
25:28Well, at least Jane MacDonald gives you a song, Nutty,
25:31at the end of the show.
25:40In Wiltshire...
25:41He's so interested in this grumpet, Mary.
25:44He's only interested in human food.
25:46He doesn't really want dog food at all.
25:48No, but you mustn't ever feed him from your own plate.
25:51Giles and his wife, Mary.
25:53If I put it on a plate, can he have it?
25:56No.
25:57Oh, the poor little fellow who's wagging his tail, Mary.
26:01No, he likes obedience.
26:03Oh, I love a begging dog.
26:06I'd rather have a begging dog than a barking dog.
26:10Oh, you wicked, wicked man.
26:13On Saturday night, the celebs were strutting their stuff again
26:17on BBC One.
26:19All I've eaten today is carbs, all day.
26:22Oh, tell me about it.
26:23No ice.
26:24Oh, thank you.
26:25It's a bit yellow, this wine, isn't it?
26:27Have you got out the levy?
26:29That's bloody awful.
26:40I do struggle with this programme.
26:42It is very... It's a sensory overload.
26:45Is that right?
26:46There's lights, there's sound, there's movements.
26:48It's too much, and then I just do that.
26:54That's all with a bit on a Saturday night.
26:56Bit of bitter with a bit of glitter.
27:00Dancing the salsa, Paul Merson and Karen Howe.
27:04Oh, is that the barbie?
27:06What's he got on?
27:07All these leopard print pants.
27:09He's flipped a few burgers in his time, hasn't he?
27:17Oh, yes.
27:18Have you ever done that while you're cooking?
27:20No.
27:24Oh, dear.
27:25No middle-aged man should be gyrating his hips like that.
27:31What is that?
27:34What possessed him to think that was a good idea?
27:36Well, he would have been told to do that.
27:38What possessed her to think that was a good idea?
27:44Oh, look at this.
27:46When's the dancing stopped?
27:48Yes, he's not doing much dancing, he's just a prop, isn't he?
27:51Yeah.
27:55Now, anything can do out there apart from something like this.
27:58Karen's doing a fantastic job.
28:00The men have it easier when the women can just dance around them.
28:03Yeah.
28:07Ooh!
28:08Woo!
28:09Look at that.
28:10Karen's Fangita in his face.
28:14I'm knackered watching this.
28:16You want to get yourself to some Zumba or something.
28:18Ooh, room full of middle-aged women.
28:20Yes, please.
28:22Yes, please.
28:28Oh, Jesus!
28:30He's on it again!
28:35I'm on fire.
28:37Look, now his burgers are burnt.
28:39Well, yes, because he's been fanning on.
28:41I love a burnt sausage front barbecue.
28:43Oh, I know.
28:44I love the black charcoal on the outside, it's nice.
28:47You'd love Paul's burnt sausage, wouldn't you?
28:50Inca Philly.
28:52Oh, Cheryl. Yeah?
28:54You know, as regards to tea... Yeah?
28:57..please do not purchase... What?
29:00..them one-cup tea bags again.
29:02Why? What's the difference?
29:04Because you can't make a tidy cup of tea every night.
29:06Well, I do.
29:07Dave and his wife, Shirley.
29:09Put them up against the ones you bought, then.
29:11There is no difference.
29:13There's a massive difference.
29:15Well, show me.
29:16Go on, show me.
29:17You put one of these in, it looks like it's been...
29:19No, show me the difference in the looking of the bag.
29:22Right, I shall have to show you, Cheryl, because you're adamant.
29:25I am.
29:27Oh, straight away.
29:29Never mind the quality, feel the width.
29:34Right, Cheryl, look at that bad boy.
29:37Right? Against that.
29:39There's not a lot of difference.
29:41No, only about half as much tea again.
29:43Oh, shut up.
29:44Well, don't worry about it.
29:45You have yours, I'll have mine.
29:47They'll suit me.
29:48This week, we hopped across the continent
29:50to catch up with our favourite fashionista on Netflix.
29:54Final episode of the new series of Emily in Paris.
29:57No way!
29:58Yes way, sister.
30:00I was very disappointed, Giles,
30:02because Jo billed this as a very wholesome,
30:06romantic, light-hearted thing.
30:08Yes.
30:09And the very first thing I saw was Emily having phone sex.
30:14Show you.
30:15Well, Mary, the world's moved on.
30:17Is it just me, or did all of the men in Paris suddenly get hotter?
30:21They've always been hot.
30:22She's Lily Collins, so she's Phil Collins' daughter.
30:24I always like to look and see if I can see
30:26where Phil Collins fits into her face.
30:28You've just been busy gazing into Gabrielle's green eyes.
30:31Gabrielle has always been 10-10.
30:34Emily and Gabrielle, they still have feelings for each other.
30:37I don't want to stand in the way of that.
30:39What's this shite, Julie?
30:41Fucking hell.
30:42I tell you what, Lee, they're all hunky and all, aren't they?
30:44They are.
30:45She broke things off with Gabrielle
30:46cos he was meant to be having a baby with another woman.
30:48Turns out she wasn't pregnant.
30:50Now she's with Marcello in Rome.
30:53But Marcello's pissed off with her a little bit
30:56because he thought she was just using him for business.
31:02In the episode, we caught up with Emily
31:05on her way to patch things up with her latest lover in Italy.
31:09So, you're stalking me now?
31:13Is that Marcello, Nutty?
31:15Mm.
31:16Do you fancy him, Mary?
31:17Yeah.
31:18You do fancy him?
31:19Yes.
31:20Would you swap him immediately for me?
31:23Of course not, there'd be practical difficulties.
31:26Why?
31:27Would you prefer him to be sitting in this chair
31:30every day of your life?
31:32I don't know him well enough yet.
31:34I only came to Rome for one reason, to see you.
31:37Oh!
31:38OK.
31:39Not for the Coliseum, then?
31:40If you still want to, I would love to see your town as we planned.
31:44Not bad, innit?
31:46But that was easy, innit?
31:48Yeah.
31:49Mate, must be nice being that pretty.
31:51I told my mother I met someone special.
31:54And here she is.
31:56Oh, God, that's so corny.
31:58Are they speaking our language?
32:00I don't think so.
32:01With romance blossoming for Emily in Rome...
32:04Kiff, kiff!
32:06Kiff!
32:09Yay!
32:13Look, she gets her man, Mary.
32:15We caught up with a couple of her exes back in Paris.
32:18What are you all doing up so early?
32:20Oh, what are we all doing up so late?
32:22You see, I still like Gabrielle, I think they should be together.
32:25Who's Gabrielle? The chef.
32:26Have you heard the news?
32:27Gab's the only one who got himself a Michelin star.
32:29Congratulations! Thank you.
32:31And we are already planning on expanding.
32:33He got a Michelin star?
32:35How about Rome?
32:36At least she'll be able to see Emily.
32:38What are you talking about?
32:39I just got off the phone with her.
32:41She's moving to Rome.
32:42Oh!
32:44How is Gabrielle going to react to the fact that Emily is moving to Rome?
32:47In Paris, it's not going to be the same without her.
32:51Au revoir.
32:52OK.
32:53She just dropped it on them like that.
32:55Left, literally, boom, mic drop.
32:59You all right, son?
33:01Oh, he's not taking it well, guys.
33:03He's going to be getting the next Jet 2 flight over to Rome.
33:06I don't know if he flies with Jet 2.
33:08Who doesn't fly with Jet 2?
33:10Someone that has got a Michelin star.
33:14Oh, what a view!
33:16Two men fighting over her.
33:18A room with a view, what more could you want, Mary?
33:24Oh, here we go.
33:25The selfie again.
33:27Oh, she did this when she moved to Paris.
33:30She's forgotten where she is.
33:32Emily and, erm...
33:36Who's at the door, who's at the door?
33:38Oh, my God, I have to do that, Gabrielle.
33:42It's Gabrielle!
33:43No way!
33:47Oh.
33:48What?
33:49Where exactly in Rome is she?
33:51Who's going to hand her down?
33:52Is he going to go to Rome?
33:54There's definitely going to be a season five, isn't there?
33:56I can see why I don't watch that.
33:59I love it.
34:01I wouldn't want to be in Paris anyway.
34:03Yeah.
34:04Amani in London sounds all right.
34:06In London?
34:07Yeah.
34:08Amani in Croydon.
34:11How dare you?
34:12Yeah, Amani in Croydon sounds nice.
34:14How dare you?
34:15Yeah, good ring to it.
34:17In Surrey...
34:18I have a little bit of serious news, I suppose.
34:21I am thinking I may have to remortgage.
34:24I have bought tickets for Oasis and Coldplay
34:29and I have no money left.
34:32Simon and his sister Jane.
34:35Well, they're a major band, Simon.
34:37They're a major band.
34:38They're a major band.
34:39They're a major band.
34:40They're a major band.
34:41They're a major band.
34:42They're a major band.
34:43They're a major band.
34:44Well, they're a major band, Simon.
34:46Tell me about it.
34:48You've always been my favourite brother.
34:50Always been my favourite brother.
34:52A little bit popular.
34:54I can stop you having to remortgage
34:57by paying you back some.
35:00The bonky thing is, you're like,
35:02oh, God, I'm so excited.
35:03Then you go, oh, it's like next year.
35:06It's like months and months away.
35:08Anything could happen.
35:10All right.
35:11I can see you want them in the will.
35:14This week, a couple of West Londoners
35:16went walkabout down under on E4.
35:19These are my two favourite things in the world.
35:22Made in Chelsea and Australians.
35:24Boom.
35:25And Miles.
35:26And Miles.
35:27Oh, my God.
35:28Everybody's going to bloody Australia now, aren't they?
35:31Shithole.
35:33Shithole.
35:34Never been.
35:35Never been.
35:40Let's have some fun.
35:42Come on.
35:43Bloody Miles and Tristan there, aren't they?
35:45Tristan and Miles are from made in Chelsea.
35:47They were not made in Bondi.
35:48They were made in Chelsea.
35:49I actually have been talking to an Aussie girl.
35:51Her name is Bella Solana.
35:53Bella Solana.
35:54Might have known them to be sniffing around
35:56some skirts in Bondi, the dirty bastards.
35:59If I like something or someone,
36:01I usually tend to get what I want.
36:04Oh, you horrible little conceited brat.
36:07Ooh.
36:09We've never been there, have we?
36:11Where?
36:12Bondi Beach.
36:13Well, we've never been to Wall Street, yeah.
36:16We have to hear this story again, don't we?
36:19You love this story cos we met in Sydney, don't we?
36:21We did meet in Sydney.
36:22This is why we're going to love this show.
36:24I'm having the best time.
36:25Looking very dapper, sir.
36:26I must admit, the pink tie.
36:27Yeah, we like pink.
36:28Really bringing out your eyes.
36:29Make the girls wink.
36:30Isabella, watch out, girl.
36:31Scrub up well, Tristan and Miles, don't they?
36:34Do you know what I'd say they are for me?
36:36A bit clean-shaven.
36:37A bit too pretty.
36:39Yeah, I like a little bit more rugged.
36:41I do.
36:42Do you think Nat's rugged?
36:44You could say that.
36:46Nat looks rough, not rugged.
36:48Hi, boys.
36:50Hey, beautiful.
36:51Here's Bella.
36:52Oh, yes, looking lovely.
36:54I'm going to leave you to it.
36:55Go find Isabella.
36:56I will.
36:59Fucking hell.
37:01You look really beautiful, by the way.
37:03Oh, listen to Miles with his compliments.
37:05Oh, he's really trying hard, isn't he?
37:07And also, I've seen the tattoos, which I really, really like.
37:10Oh, my God, my girl's eye in her arm.
37:12Did you see that? I see them tattoos.
37:15Do you have tattoos?
37:16I've got loads.
37:17I've got, like, my whole arm, my legs.
37:19I actually have a bum tattoo.
37:20Yeah, but you'll see that later.
37:22That's probably what he'll say.
37:24What is on your bum?
37:25Um, you can find that out later.
37:28Mary?
37:29Oh.
37:30Oh!
37:31That was smooth.
37:32Miles!
37:33That was smooth.
37:34Well done.
37:35I can't stand people like that.
37:37You definitely do.
37:38You 100% have done that.
37:40I have not got a tattoo on my arse.
37:42I mean, we have to.
37:43You definitely want to try that French kiss out.
37:45French kiss, bonjour.
37:47Mate, you're begging for it.
37:49He's actually begging.
37:50He is begging.
37:51I would love to find out.
37:53Oh, OK.
37:54OK, she's open for it.
37:56Yep.
37:57Would you like to find out now?
37:59Oh!
38:00Oh!
38:01No, he's so smooth.
38:02He's actually so smooth.
38:03Do you want to find out now?
38:04Would you like to find out?
38:05And then he'll go like this.
38:06Do you want me to be the cat?
38:07But then he'll do this look.
38:14Oh!
38:19Oh!
38:20Why is there so much hollow air?
38:22Why are the mouths so open?
38:24I don't know, but freaking hell.
38:25It's like that.
38:26Oh, no, it's so awkward, isn't it?
38:28Why are we watching this with you guys?
38:34Hi, beautiful Bella.
38:36Hi.
38:37How are you?
38:38That's Lawson.
38:39He used to go out with Bella.
38:40Oh, Jesus, he's come dressed as George Michael.
38:42I was just thinking that.
38:44I've been better.
38:45So here's the situationship.
38:47The previous one.
38:49I was told that you went on a date.
38:52A date?
38:54A date?
38:57With Miles.
38:58Mm-hm.
38:59To the races.
39:00And, um, yeah, we kissed.
39:06I can't wait.
39:08He's so animated.
39:09I love it.
39:11We've spoken about being open.
39:15We've spoken about being honest.
39:17She's been honest.
39:18She's just told you.
39:19She French kissed him.
39:20Yeah, she didn't say French kiss.
39:21She said kiss.
39:22Law...
39:23Lawson?
39:24Lawson.
39:25Lawson.
39:26Oh, yes, Miles.
39:27Call him the wrong name.
39:28How are you doing?
39:29Very well.
39:30How are you?
39:31Well.
39:34Well.
39:35Hey, I'm having a great time out here.
39:37Met a lovely girl.
39:38Oh, no.
39:40Do you know her?
39:41Oh.
39:43He knows what he's doing.
39:44He knows.
39:45Salt in the wound.
39:46I think I need to speak to this man alone.
39:48You think so?
39:49I think I've overstayed my welcome.
39:50Hash it out, boys.
39:52I'll leave you to it.
39:53I'm backing out.
39:54Miles and Lawson are going to have a chin wag now.
39:56I would have stayed.
39:57Are you done?
39:58Yeah, me too.
39:59Are you done?
40:00There's a bit of animosity, I feel.
40:02You're seeing the woman I love.
40:06This is brilliant.
40:08She's having a lot of fun with me.
40:10Lust and love are two very different things, you handsome worm.
40:14You handsome worm.
40:16You handsome worm.
40:17Oh, my God.
40:18Let's put him in his place.
40:19Yeah, yeah.
40:20It won't do that again.
40:21You know what?
40:22We need to bring Lawson to the end.
40:23Literally.
40:24We need to bring him down here to North London
40:27so he can really learn how to diss someone.
40:33In Leeds...
40:34So, we went to Carvery and they didn't have no crackling out.
40:39I says, oh, can you go and get us some more crackling?
40:41Off they went and that got more crackling.
40:43The amount of crackling I had were obscene.
40:45And I says to Nat, do you want some?
40:47And he said, no, I'm all right, love.
40:49Sisters Ellie and Izzy.
40:51I thought it's probably because he don't want the gravy
40:53and the applesauce that I've got on it
40:55because he's gluten-free and diabetic.
40:57Do you know what I mean?
40:58I mean, I didn't put it all over it on purpose,
41:00so he wouldn't want it.
41:01But, and I did give him some of my meat
41:03because I couldn't eat it all.
41:06Not because you wanted to share.
41:08Because you actually couldn't eat it all.
41:12On Monday night, there was more high-speed hijacked drama
41:16keeping us entertained on BBC One.
41:19Yeah, it's been quite good night's sleeper
41:21for a BBC drama, Natu.
41:23It's exhausting to watch.
41:25I'd be glad when it's over.
41:27Final episode. Let's wrap this up.
41:29I need to know what's going to happen.
41:33Let the train take the strain. Do you remember that, Mary?
41:36And now the train...
41:37Now we're taking the strain of watching the train.
41:40Yeah.
41:41That was quite clever, wasn't it? Yeah.
41:43I have nothing to do with this, but...
41:47I think I know how to stop it.
41:49Do you know what? I'd put my life in her hands
41:51because she's brave enough to have her hair cut like a mushroom,
41:54so I would imagine that she can withstand quite a bit.
42:01Oh! Oh!
42:02Oh, that was a change of the point.
42:04Change of track.
42:05Is it points? Yes. Yes.
42:09Where's it heading?
42:10It's going north again.
42:12Oh, my Lord, it's changed direction.
42:14Croydon. Clapham Junction.
42:16I don't want to be a nimby, but Clapham Junction bus is quite near me.
42:21There's hazards everywhere.
42:23Which line is it going to take, then?
42:25Come on, which line's it on?
42:26Where's it going now, Lee?
42:30Victoria.
42:31Here.
42:32That's where they are?
42:33Yes.
42:34Here.
42:35What does that mean?
42:36Here.
42:37We are the target.
42:39Oh, shit, they're the target.
42:42Where are you going?
42:43My lunch is ready.
42:45I'm working from home today. Yeah.
42:47I am not leaving!
42:49Do you not hear that?
42:50Oh, she's off. Look.
42:52She's not going to leave.
42:54Well, no, she's well through, isn't she?
42:56She'll see you through to the end. Yeah.
43:01Oh, God!
43:02We're going too fast now and we're getting into areas
43:05where we shouldn't be going this fast.
43:07UK Rail isn't going to be able to update all their systems
43:10in time, Abby, so I've told them to focus on this area only.
43:13If they can manage it, they could switch the lights
43:16on the way into the station to red
43:18and that could trigger the safety response on the train.
43:20Oh, she's clever. It could be, couldn't it?
43:22Change the lights to red and it'll break itself.
43:24If the lights are red, the trains have an automatic detection thing
43:28and they'll slow down.
43:29They could do it in the station.
43:31You're not going to make it down there.
43:33She's going! Just you watch.
43:35She's going into the station.
43:36She's literally going to go and turn the lights red, isn't she?
43:39Yeah. If you want something done, do it yourself.
43:41Yeah, yeah, yeah.
43:43Everybody needs to leave this area immediately.
43:46Stop filming and leave now.
43:48Just part of the train, people, man. Fuck off.
43:53Oh, Jesus.
43:54Oh, it's going like the clappers, isn't it?
43:56That's like Clapham or somewhere.
43:58Really getting quite close now.
44:03I'm glad she knows where she's going, you know.
44:06She's going to change it manually.
44:10How the frig does she know what she's doing there
44:12to change it over to red?
44:14You wouldn't have a clue, would you?
44:15Happens to have a USB cable in the pocket.
44:17Absolutely. You always carry one round, just in case.
44:20Right, everyone, back straight against the chairs,
44:23arms down by your sides, facing away from the impact.
44:26Brace for impact.
44:27Why are you telling everyone to brace for the bloody impact, man?
44:30I know, but what's the point in bracing?
44:32They're going to die anyway.
44:35Come on, Saj.
44:36She has to wait for the update to finish first.
44:39Come on, Saj.
44:40Oh, Jesus! Come on, Saj.
44:42He has set the update to perform overnight.
44:49We're all going to die.
44:51Come on, come on!
44:53God, come on!
44:54This is the only time I want a traffic light to go frigging red.
44:57I know.
44:58Yes!
44:59It's done!
45:00If she can pull this off, Natish,
45:01there's every chance she'll be made a dame.
45:05Red! Red! Red! Red! Red! Red!
45:07Just whack it on!
45:13System alert.
45:14Oh, she got it, she got it!
45:16Alarm! Alarm!
45:19Oh!
45:20Jesus Christ, the brakes are going.
45:22Look at that, look.
45:23Do you know the stopping distances, Mary?
45:25In a driving test, you have to learn the stopping distances.
45:28What's the stopping distance for a runaway train
45:31that's going at 120 miles an hour?
45:33I don't know.
45:34I don't know.
45:36Oh, dear, it's a wonder she hasn't been sucked into it.
45:42Shit a brick, man. Ooh!
45:44It's going to go for a rightful Costa coffee.
45:49He's going away, he's going away!
45:51Ooh! Ooh!
45:55No!
45:56Oh, my God!
46:03She did it!
46:04She did it!
46:05Abi's a G, mate.
46:06Women in tech, that is what I'm talking about.
46:09Fast thinking, solution-focused, gets it done.
46:12Come on.
46:13I'll definitely have an attack of the Aunty Margaret's
46:15next time I get on a train.
46:16I tell you who wouldn't watch that.
46:18Aunty Margaret.
46:19I thought she would not.
46:21No way, you couldn't make her sit through that.
46:27And if the made-in-Bondi the Goggleboxers were watching
46:30has left you wanting more posh Aussie insults,
46:32the series so far is streaming now.
46:34Next tonight, Fred steps in for a mid-date tactics talk.
46:37Will it help one first dater find the spark she's after
46:40in a brand-new one from the restaurant?