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00:00:00Let's talk about this, our subject tonight is,
00:00:03I want y'all to get this, why did I get married?
00:00:09Why did I get married?
00:00:14Okay, look at your spouse and ask them,
00:00:15why did we get married?
00:00:16Go ahead and ask them right quick, praise God, amen.
00:00:19Why did I get married?
00:00:21That's our subject tonight.
00:00:22And I wanna spend a little time on that.
00:00:24Why did I get married?
00:00:27That hit me, I preached that sermon a while ago,
00:00:30years ago, some of you were here.
00:00:32And for some reason,
00:00:32the Holy Spirit just wouldn't let that lead me,
00:00:34this idea of knowing why we got married,
00:00:37because until we can answer that question,
00:00:39and then why are we married now?
00:00:41Hallelujah, amen.
00:00:43So we wanna spend some time tonight
00:00:45and let's deal with that.
00:00:46So it's amazing,
00:00:48because I was thinking about the reason
00:00:50why people get married are so multi-layered and varied.
00:00:55I mean, honestly, in terms, baby,
00:00:57the reason why people get married.
00:00:59And we wrote a few of them down,
00:01:01we'll put them on the screen.
00:01:02And if you see yourself somewhere on the screen,
00:01:05that's okay, we're here now,
00:01:07but let's just sort of think through it.
00:01:10Here's some of the reasons, pressure, rejection.
00:01:15Here's another one, great sex.
00:01:17Let's put them on the screen if we have it up there.
00:01:19I want them to see that, stay with me up there.
00:01:21Pressure, rejection, great sex, low self-esteem, et cetera.
00:01:27Those are, I would argue,
00:01:29maybe some unhealthy reasons to get married originally.
00:01:33Amen.
00:01:34Pressure, you talked about some people got married
00:01:39because their friend got married.
00:01:40Yeah, you know, to talk about unhealthy reasons
00:01:44why people have decided to get married,
00:01:46I told my husband that 30% of women
00:01:50have confessed in divorce that they realized
00:01:55maybe a week or two after they got married,
00:01:57like they made the wrong decision, 30%.
00:02:01And then I told him, I said, let's look at this.
00:02:03People have gotten married because of loneliness,
00:02:06societal expectations.
00:02:09I told my husband, I was talking to an individual,
00:02:12and she told me, she said,
00:02:13the reason I got married is because my cousin got married.
00:02:16She said, I really was like going back and forth,
00:02:18like, all right, I just want to get married.
00:02:21And I know for some women, babe,
00:02:22it's because for women, the clock was ticking.
00:02:26The clock was ticking.
00:02:27And so it's because of now family expectations.
00:02:32We allow family and society
00:02:34to give us like this undue pressure.
00:02:37And so therefore, a lot of people,
00:02:39or most people, or some people, 30%, if stats be true,
00:02:44have gotten married because of just making a decision,
00:02:48like in the heat of a moment.
00:02:50That's why I wrote so many books on dating.
00:02:52And I know we're here now, but I really do mean it.
00:02:55I think it is the biggest decision you'll make in your life.
00:02:58Who agrees with that?
00:03:00With the exception of Jesus.
00:03:01I don't think that's an embellishment.
00:03:03The greatest choice you will make in your life
00:03:06is who you say I do to.
00:03:08I can't think of any other choice
00:03:11that has so much to do with my daily kind of flow
00:03:15and happiness and sanity.
00:03:18I say this, I don't know what it would be,
00:03:22and I've been graced here,
00:03:24to be with somebody I couldn't stand.
00:03:29I see people, I be thinking like,
00:03:31I had to look at you all the time.
00:03:36And didn't like you.
00:03:38And I can't leave because of the kids
00:03:41and Jesus gonna whoop me.
00:03:43Yeah, yeah.
00:03:44Or you know, family stuff.
00:03:46I don't want another man to raise my kids.
00:03:49I don't want another woman over my kid's head
00:03:51so we'll just stay together and all of that.
00:03:54I don't want people to stay together just for those reasons.
00:03:57Yeah, when you talk about your spouse
00:04:00being your greatest investment
00:04:01or your spouse being the most important person in your life,
00:04:04I totally agree with that.
00:04:06Because of purpose and mission
00:04:09and where you're headed in life,
00:04:11it's your spouse that's gonna help you reach those goals.
00:04:15Most people, sometimes when you look at them,
00:04:17I look at, say pastors,
00:04:19or I look at somebody who has a thriving business.
00:04:23The reason that they're able to hit markers
00:04:26in their business mind or in their church
00:04:29is because their spouse, they're on the same page.
00:04:32How can the two walk together?
00:04:34How can two walk together unless they agree?
00:04:37I think for you and I, because we picked right
00:04:41is because we're able to do so much for the kingdom
00:04:44with our kids, because we're on one accord.
00:04:47I mean, when you're off, when somebody's not right,
00:04:51it just, it hinders your blessing.
00:04:54It hinders your purpose.
00:04:56It hinders your future.
00:04:58So that's why I would beg any single that's watching,
00:05:01be careful who you say I do to.
00:05:04But for those of you who sitting here have said I do,
00:05:08well, that's why pastor and I are here tonight
00:05:11because we're gonna help you.
00:05:12If that's the case, if you picked wrong,
00:05:14we're gonna help you to fight through those challenges.
00:05:16Who picked wrong?
00:05:18Well, 30% based on your status.
00:05:21I dare you raise your hand.
00:05:22I dare you.
00:05:2330%, one, two, three.
00:05:26One, two, three.
00:05:26No, no, don't count, babe.
00:05:27One, two, three.
00:05:29Pick wrong.
00:05:29Don't count.
00:05:30And watch this.
00:05:32I think people get married for sex instead of assignment.
00:05:37Oh, okay.
00:05:39Yeah, and by the time we figure out
00:05:41how much your spouse has to do with your assignment.
00:05:44Your assignment, yeah.
00:05:45My assignment.
00:05:46And I'm sitting here now and I just can't think
00:05:51of who else could have helped me with my assignment.
00:05:54And I think whatever your assignment is,
00:05:56you're picking for that.
00:05:57I know some of you are thinking,
00:05:58that's almost single advice.
00:06:01We're married now, let's get to it.
00:06:03So here's what I wanna talk about.
00:06:04The Lord just gave us this, write this down.
00:06:06Fruit vis-a-vis root.
00:06:09All right, fruit vis-a-vis root.
00:06:11And the reason I say that is because sometimes
00:06:13we be fighting or disagreeing
00:06:16and all you can see is the fruit.
00:06:19But in order to be healthy, you gotta deal with the root.
00:06:23What is the root of his issues?
00:06:26What are the root of her issues?
00:06:29And because you go to the Word Church,
00:06:31we talk about home of origin issues
00:06:33and mama stuff and daddy stuff way more
00:06:36than they did at the church I grew up in.
00:06:38Most of us in traditional context growing up,
00:06:41it was just love Jesus, have the Holy Spirit,
00:06:44go to six classes and we'll marry you guys.
00:06:47But now we look back like I have a lot underground.
00:06:52And when I deal with the root,
00:06:54the root, we told each other, let's be naked as we can
00:06:59so everybody else can take their clothes off.
00:07:01We don't play superhero pastor.
00:07:03I have rooted rejection and that rejection,
00:07:07watch this, can come out as jealousy.
00:07:12Rejection can come out in overthinking,
00:07:17worried about stuff, are you gonna leave me too?
00:07:21Are y'all with me here?
00:07:22So we wanna make sure as couples, baby,
00:07:27that we discuss the root.
00:07:29I don't care if you've been married 30 years,
00:07:31have you ever talked about the root?
00:07:32And you say, you know what?
00:07:33That's a my daddy issue right there.
00:07:37That's a my mama issue.
00:07:38That goes way down and it comes out sideways
00:07:42in other things.
00:07:43Yeah, when you talked about this fruit versus the root,
00:07:46I thought about communications.
00:07:48You know, communicating with your spouse.
00:07:51One thing that I wrote down, I said happiness,
00:07:53it doesn't just happen in marriage or anywhere else.
00:07:57It has to be developed and nurtured.
00:08:01So when you're not dealing with the root,
00:08:04then you cannot develop.
00:08:06Then therefore, I can't nurture what's wrong.
00:08:09You have to nurture that thing.
00:08:11So I told him, I said, based on just our years
00:08:14of being together, I said, I think we have landed
00:08:18in a healthy place because we talk.
00:08:21It's not that we just, you know,
00:08:23I'm just listening and listening,
00:08:24but I allow him to share.
00:08:27Most men are afraid to share.
00:08:30And I think when you talk about home of origin issues,
00:08:34I think even we have to be careful as moms,
00:08:37not to even tell our sons, our little sons,
00:08:39our teenage sons, or even our grown sons,
00:08:42oh no, stop all that crying.
00:08:44Ain't nobody gonna stop all that crying
00:08:46or they fall and it's like, oh, you all right, just get up.
00:08:49No, it's okay for a man to cry.
00:08:51It's okay for a man to show his heart.
00:08:54It's okay for a man to share.
00:08:56So I believe because we deal with a lot of just stuff
00:09:00in life and we deal, we come from some broken places.
00:09:04And for many of us, we come from some great homes,
00:09:07but communication was not maybe established
00:09:10or shown or learned.
00:09:13So therefore, now that we're at a teaching Bible church
00:09:15and we're not just talking about the Bible,
00:09:17well, we're talking about emotional health,
00:09:21dealing with that stuff.
00:09:22So you talk about fruit versus root.
00:09:23I don't even know, how can I minister to you,
00:09:27man of God or woman of God, if you're not sharing with me
00:09:30that there's something wrong with you?
00:09:32Ephesians five, Ephesians five, verse 32.
00:09:36We talked about the reasons for marriage.
00:09:39We gave you a little bit of this last month,
00:09:41but write that down.
00:09:41Ephesians five, verse 32, the NLT version says,
00:09:44this is a great mystery, but it is an illustration
00:09:49of the way Christ and the church are one.
00:09:52And this provides a good picture of how each husband
00:09:56is to treat his wife, loving himself and loving her,
00:09:59and how each wife is to honor her husband.
00:10:03And there are people who think that's so dated.
00:10:06Got a question, who believed the Bible is true?
00:10:09And I really mean that because today's society,
00:10:13even pastors, preachers, churches, clergy, scholars
00:10:17are starting to have low value of Scripture.
00:10:20I have a high value of Scripture.
00:10:22I think God knew what he was talking about.
00:10:24Who believes that, amen?
00:10:26And I know there are exceptions to this.
00:10:32There are some women that's just more masculine than they man.
00:10:40I've always said if you can slam your husband,
00:10:41I'd divorce him.
00:10:43I think that's grounds for divorce.
00:10:45I can slam him past it.
00:10:46I'm not gonna stay with a Negro, I can slam.
00:10:48He don't lift weights, I'm just joking.
00:10:50Praise God, amen.
00:10:52You may be a professional wrestler, girl,
00:10:53don't do that, amen.
00:10:55Women do everything now.
00:10:56But I say that to say, I think in general,
00:11:00bros still want respect more than they want love.
00:11:05Yeah, we still equate.
00:11:06I know that's old fashioned, you've heard that
00:11:08in every marriage teaching, but I still say,
00:11:11as a man talking to men from fraternal brothers
00:11:14to brothers in the church to persons everywhere
00:11:17that are men masculine, respect and honor matters.
00:11:22Yeah, I don't know anybody who doesn't wanna feel
00:11:24respected and honored, but why did the Bible
00:11:26specifically tell a woman to respect her husband
00:11:30and specifically tell a man to love his wife?
00:11:34There's something going on there.
00:11:35You guys agree?
00:11:37So can we deal with that love?
00:11:39Yes.
00:11:40Yeah, so when you talk about love in 1 Corinthians,
00:11:43love is what?
00:11:44Love is patient, love is kind, does not envy,
00:11:49it does not boast, it is not proud,
00:11:52it does not dishonor, it does not self-seeking,
00:11:58it is not easily rejected.
00:12:01Baby, can you give me my glasses?
00:12:03Help, help, help.
00:12:03Love is blind, praise God, amen, amen.
00:12:09I tried.
00:12:10That was good.
00:12:12Love is, amen.
00:12:13I tried as long as I could, I'm sorry.
00:12:14It's okay, baby.
00:12:15You older than me, and I knew this was gonna happen.
00:12:17I knew you was gonna say it, I knew you was gonna say it.
00:12:20If you get an older woman, it's like,
00:12:23I'm like, she's going away, she's going away.
00:12:25Love is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrong,
00:12:31it does not delight in evil, but rejoice in truth,
00:12:36it always protects, it always protects,
00:12:41it always trusts, it always hopes, it always persevere,
00:12:46love never fails, so when you talk about a husband,
00:12:49that's a huge resume for me, that's huge.
00:12:54Now, I can honestly sit here and say that you do protect me,
00:12:58that you do honor me, and that you do,
00:13:01you don't keep record of my wrong, but.
00:13:04I have it put up, but I don't.
00:13:06You what, you what?
00:13:09I have it, it's just, it's the case I needed
00:13:11for the attorney with it, but I gotta put it away,
00:13:13praise God, you know we joking.
00:13:16No, no, no, seriously.
00:13:19That mean, there's a question live now.
00:13:21Y'all thought that was a mistake.
00:13:22That's not a mistake.
00:13:23Oh, is that a question?
00:13:24I'm like, what?
00:13:25That's a mistake.
00:13:26Write what we got.
00:13:26Yes, sir, so there's a lot of questions that's coming in.
00:13:29Let's do it, and it's on the screen.
00:13:30Put it up there again.
00:13:31Ask Pastor Vernon a question, ask the Vernons a question.
00:13:34If you wanna just hit your QR code, we wanna help tonight.
00:13:37We wanna help, we here to sell.
00:13:39So, go ahead and do that.
00:13:40What we got, Ray Dawn?
00:13:41Absolutely, so one of the questions is,
00:13:43should there be privacy as far as going
00:13:46through your spouse's phone?
00:13:49Oh, wow.
00:13:50No.
00:13:50No.
00:13:51No.
00:13:52Yeah, I go through your phone anytime I want to.
00:13:54Yes, yes.
00:13:54Yeah, and I'm not even going through his phone
00:13:57to look for anything.
00:13:58I gotta say this, if you even consider looking
00:14:02through your spouse's phone, you have some problems.
00:14:06Yeah, if it crosses your mind.
00:14:08I'm not angry, I'm just letting you know,
00:14:09if it crosses your mind to kind of look at their phone,
00:14:12there's a danger area there.
00:14:14Yeah, it's never crossed my mind.
00:14:16My code, she knows that it's not deep.
00:14:20I don't even think about it.
00:14:21I pick up her phone, I've never looked once.
00:14:23Matter of fact, the Bible says in Proverbs,
00:14:25be careful about eavesdropping.
00:14:28Yeah.
00:14:29Because you may see something you don't want to.
00:14:31That's Bible.
00:14:32So, you're gonna laugh at this,
00:14:32but whenever she's on the phone,
00:14:34I never stand outside the door and listen.
00:14:37I announce myself.
00:14:38I can't explain it.
00:14:39Not that I think she's gonna say something weird,
00:14:41but I just, listen, I'm here.
00:14:45Because if you're talking to your mom, your sister,
00:14:47whatever, I'm not trying to listen.
00:14:50You don't have a marriage if you don't have trust.
00:14:54So, should we have each other's code?
00:14:55Yes.
00:14:56The only reason for the code is not for us,
00:14:58it's in case somebody steals the phone.
00:15:01It has nothing to do with us.
00:15:02My kids know mine, everybody knows that I got the same
00:15:04number 30 years, I don't care.
00:15:07I'm simply saying, so that's a great question,
00:15:09but absolutely.
00:15:11And husbands, I'll say this, be mindful.
00:15:14If she did, what would she see?
00:15:17Or vice versa, if they were to check the history
00:15:20or Instagram.
00:15:21So, I'm always mindful of that.
00:15:24So, no, no, no, no.
00:15:26I hear people talking about codes.
00:15:28Why you looking at my phone?
00:15:29They're in trouble.
00:15:31They're in trouble.
00:15:33They're in trouble.
00:15:33If there's Lady Vernon, nothing.
00:15:37Every bank account, every code, there's no separate money.
00:15:39The two shall become one.
00:15:41Everything I have, there's nothing in this world I have
00:15:44except I don't like her driving my car.
00:15:46Other than that, if you could just stay out of my car,
00:15:49that's my one little pet peeve.
00:15:50You got two of them.
00:15:52Don't drive mine at all.
00:15:55I feel like God's.
00:15:56I don't get that.
00:15:57Well, get over it.
00:15:58Like, why can't I get her to drive your car?
00:16:00Because you've got two.
00:16:03Bless it, I'm just, okay, okay.
00:16:05See, we're not perfect.
00:16:06We fighting right now.
00:16:07Look at that, amen.
00:16:09So, let's do this.
00:16:10I want to do this.
00:16:11So, so, so, so, you know, hey, cue your questions up
00:16:14because we want to minister.
00:16:15We want to use this time.
00:16:17And you walk out of here saying that was helpful.
00:16:19So, there's something, you've been just sneaking texts
00:16:21on your phone.
00:16:24So, if your spouse gonna jump on you.
00:16:26But if y'all want to, and remember,
00:16:27we don't know what the question's coming from.
00:16:29We're not saying the name, so access the question.
00:16:31I want to do this.
00:16:32I had no idea, and I got some of my pastors
00:16:34watching across the world, I'm sure.
00:16:36We have three categories of pastors.
00:16:39Before we put it up, just wait a moment.
00:16:40But I never knew that it was a nagulous
00:16:44or applicable to marriage too.
00:16:47So, churches, there are three kinds of churches.
00:16:49And when I train pastors, this is what I teach them
00:16:51when they come from across the world.
00:16:53There are three kinds of churches, really.
00:16:55I'll put them up because I think it's the same thing
00:16:56with marriage.
00:16:57Unusual favor, steady as you grow, do or die.
00:17:03So, there are some pastors,
00:17:04they don't know why, the word church being one.
00:17:06We went in John F. Kennedy, I start preaching,
00:17:08and they just start coming,
00:17:09and they've been coming ever since, all right.
00:17:11Not from a preaching family, no preaching pedigree.
00:17:14My wife didn't, you know, we just boom, it just hit.
00:17:17Favor, favor is when God do something for you
00:17:20you didn't see coming.
00:17:22Yep, we're in the 0, 0, 0.1%.
00:17:25I know you think it's a bunch of us.
00:17:26Only a couple of hundred churches in this country,
00:17:28black churches, predominantly black churches,
00:17:30that say it, bang.
00:17:31The rest, probably under 100 finding their way.
00:17:34So, we talk about if you got like 1,000 members,
00:17:372,000, 3,000, you don't preach that good.
00:17:40That's unusual favor.
00:17:43That's God just blessing you.
00:17:45Then there are churches, we call them steady as you grow.
00:17:48They're not mega, but there's two, 300,
00:17:51and somebody's joining all the time,
00:17:54and it's steady as you grow.
00:17:56And then there is, watch this, do or die.
00:17:59Only like 20 people coming, and five of them your kids.
00:18:03Praise God, right, and your mother,
00:18:05and your sister, and your cousin.
00:18:07Nobody's joining, not a lot coming in,
00:18:10and it's like, even you guys gotta shut it down,
00:18:12figure it out, you're spending your own money
00:18:14to stay open just for somebody to call you pastor.
00:18:17It's do or die.
00:18:18You gotta change the name, do something different,
00:18:20preach different.
00:18:21You and your girl gotta talk about it,
00:18:23it's not gonna make it.
00:18:24It didn't hit me until the last few weeks
00:18:27that marriages are the same way.
00:18:30So I wanna help you name yourself tonight,
00:18:33and I had no idea that this was applicable to marriage,
00:18:36so let's do it again.
00:18:37There are some couples here, you have unusual favor.
00:18:43Unusual favor, let's go here.
00:18:45Maybe it's only a small percentage.
00:18:47It just flows.
00:18:49I mean, we talked about it, you can't understand why.
00:18:53But from the bedroom to the bank account, it's just good.
00:18:58I mean, you hate to say it's good,
00:18:59because you're trying not to brag, but it's good.
00:19:02But it's good.
00:19:03You talk to other people like, we're doing all right,
00:19:04like, we're doing real good.
00:19:08I mean, you don't wanna be arrogant,
00:19:09you ain't trying to make your sister feel bad,
00:19:11or your friends feel bad, like y'all, all of that.
00:19:14But it's like, you don't really argue.
00:19:17The bedroom stuff has always clicked.
00:19:20You not broke, the kids actually like both of you.
00:19:24You like, what?
00:19:26Now, you got other problems,
00:19:28because I preached this morning,
00:19:29you don't get off this world with no blood on you.
00:19:31That's good.
00:19:33Most people got a cold marriage, got a crazy mama,
00:19:37or a crazy father, or one of the children won't do right.
00:19:40There's always, say this out loud, your grace place.
00:19:43Your grace place.
00:19:44Paul said, there was given unto me a thorn in the flesh,
00:19:48lest I be uplifted in arrogance.
00:19:52God put a thorn in my flesh, a place to keep me broken.
00:19:56I know I got a bunch of them.
00:19:57I got a bunch of them that makes me know I need Jesus.
00:20:00Amen.
00:20:02So unusual favor is,
00:20:06even before you guys came to church, you got along okay.
00:20:10You can't explain it.
00:20:11And now that you're in Christ,
00:20:13you wanna make up something, but it's like,
00:20:15baby, you happy?
00:20:16I'm happy.
00:20:18Matter of fact, look at your spouse and say,
00:20:19are we all right?
00:20:20Go ahead and ask her right quick, praise God.
00:20:22That's good.
00:20:23Come on, look at your spouse.
00:20:24Don't look at me.
00:20:25I don't know.
00:20:26I can't answer the question.
00:20:28Don't let her use your car though, I dare you.
00:20:32I'm just playing.
00:20:35So here's one category.
00:20:37Let's do it again.
00:20:37That's good.
00:20:39Unusual favor.
00:20:40I do believe in my life that your first lady and I
00:20:44walk in unusual marriage favor.
00:20:47Yeah, there's a favor on my marriage
00:20:50because there's so many other broken places in my life
00:20:53and her life, she'll tell you, kids, imperfect,
00:20:56nothing's, you know, parents, sibling stuff.
00:20:59I could tell you some holes in my life
00:21:00that I wish God would heal and fix.
00:21:03But marriage is easy for us.
00:21:06I know people say you have to really work at it.
00:21:09It's a lot of other things they have to really work at.
00:21:11We flow.
00:21:12I like her.
00:21:13And it's weird because, so pastor, you guys don't argue?
00:21:17No, I feel like we argue 19 times a day.
00:21:20At least.
00:21:20For two minutes, raise your hand, praise God.
00:21:23At least.
00:21:24I don't feel like we agree on nothing half the time.
00:21:27But it's always stupid and over with and we're out of it.
00:21:30Out of it.
00:21:30But there are certain couples, they don't even disagree.
00:21:32We disagree on a lot.
00:21:33Our personalities, we disagree on a lot.
00:21:36A lot.
00:21:36A lot, lot.
00:21:37Now you ain't got to feel crazy.
00:21:39OK, OK.
00:21:39We do.
00:21:40What you want to say?
00:21:42Come on, Cletus.
00:21:43Come on, Cletus.
00:21:45You walk over, you limp back.
00:21:47You're stupid.
00:21:48You're stupid.
00:21:50You're stupid.
00:21:51Come on, Cletus.
00:21:53Come on, Cletus.
00:21:54What you want to say?
00:21:57Go ahead, baby.
00:21:59No, that unusual favor that's on our marriage, I think we do.
00:22:05We get in and out of the arguments.
00:22:07It's like you argue, you say it.
00:22:09Heated fellowship.
00:22:10Christians don't argue.
00:22:11They have what?
00:22:12Heated fellowship.
00:22:13It's an argument.
00:22:14So yeah.
00:22:18But I hurry up and get out of it.
00:22:20I think based on our assignment and based
00:22:22on who's connected to us and based on where I want to head,
00:22:26where I'm going in life, I don't have time to stay mad at him.
00:22:29That's just like life is too short.
00:22:31I'll never forget.
00:22:32I was talking to a wife.
00:22:33And Elder Drita and I was talking
00:22:34about her the other day.
00:22:36She said that she got out the bed with her husband.
00:22:39Her husband got in the car.
00:22:40They kissed each other bye.
00:22:41And it was like, OK, he was going to work.
00:22:43She was going back in house.
00:22:4420 minutes later, 30 minutes later, the phone rung.
00:22:47And it was the police saying her husband
00:22:49had died of a massive heart attack.
00:22:50So I don't have time to stay at odds with him.
00:22:54Because I never know when my goodbye is really
00:22:57see you later, like I'm going to see you on the other side.
00:23:00So for me, it's like, no, baby, we don't have time for that.
00:23:06So I think that unusual favor for us
00:23:08is because we understand the assignment that's on our lives.
00:23:12And I appreciate the blessing that God has given me.
00:23:15I really look at him as a gift.
00:23:18And I treat my gift like I'm honored to have a gift.
00:23:21Amen.
00:23:22Amen.
00:23:23Amen.
00:23:24Amen.
00:23:25I agree.
00:23:27Amen.
00:23:28So let's name yourself tonight.
00:23:31Unusual favor.
00:23:33Here's a second category.
00:23:34Steady as you grow.
00:23:37Pastor, it's not like blissful.
00:23:39We're not like all in the bed all the time.
00:23:43There's some things.
00:23:44But we're cool.
00:23:45I'm not going to wear, she's not going to wear.
00:23:46There's a healthy.
00:23:48We could get better.
00:23:48That's why we're here tonight.
00:23:50I can't say I feel that way.
00:23:52But I'm not going anywhere.
00:23:53I'm not moving around like I shouldn't be moving around.
00:23:56She honors me to a great degree.
00:23:59We're steady as you grow.
00:24:02We've been growing every year since we've been married.
00:24:04We wouldn't turn back.
00:24:06It's not perfect.
00:24:08But there's some major room for improvement.
00:24:12Both of us could improve.
00:24:13And by the way, we could too.
00:24:14Everybody could improve.
00:24:15But I don't know if it's unusual favor.
00:24:18It's been some challenging moments to stay married,
00:24:20or some challenging times that we both thought about maybe
00:24:24not staying married.
00:24:26But now we feel like under your teaching, the word of God,
00:24:29prayer, the work we've been doing, the things we're doing,
00:24:32it's steady as you grow.
00:24:34We're growing gracefully together.
00:24:37And then there may be a third category of persons.
00:24:40And we're here tonight, by the way.
00:24:41This is what we call our 911 people.
00:24:43I told the Corrales to be ready because they may not
00:24:45get to dance.
00:24:46They may have to save somebody.
00:24:48Yeah, yeah, because tonight was like,
00:24:51I'm going to this with you.
00:24:52And if they don't say something that makes sense, we done.
00:24:56Yeah, yeah, I'm going to go to this.
00:24:58Because based on what you did, I don't even want to stay.
00:25:01I've been passionate too long to act like they're not
00:25:03do-or-die couples in the room.
00:25:05You love me enough to tell me your business and trust me.
00:25:07So I even know the do-or-die couples.
00:25:09I know those that I say, give it another six months.
00:25:12You'll love this.
00:25:13You can always get divorced, but you can't always stay married.
00:25:17That's what I tell people.
00:25:18We're going to get divorced.
00:25:19I say, I promise.
00:25:20If you want to get divorced in six months, you still can.
00:25:23You can always get divorced.
00:25:24So I tell people, hold on.
00:25:26So do-or-die is, there's maybe been some infidelity
00:25:30or there's been so much dishonor.
00:25:33Yeah, we don't hardly touch.
00:25:36We don't pray.
00:25:38We just hear.
00:25:39We talked about leaving a bunch of times.
00:25:42And it's been almost toxic to the point of unhealth, right?
00:25:47To the point of mental unhealth, emotional unhealth.
00:25:50So if that's you tonight or watching,
00:25:55you want to connect with us during the week
00:25:57and see some of our wonderful marriage people
00:25:59and our groups of people.
00:26:00And Elder Ratcliffe is here tonight
00:26:02who handles people's emotional health and marriage
00:26:04and all of that.
00:26:05We have groups for that.
00:26:06Just be honest about it.
00:26:08Amen.
00:26:09I tell you what.
00:26:10Can you clap for the do-or-die people
00:26:12who came tonight anyway?
00:26:13Would you clap for them?
00:26:14Because just your coming suggests you trying.
00:26:24Yeah.
00:26:24I tell a sister, I say, if your husband go to the word,
00:26:27shout.
00:26:28Yeah, if your wife goes, because that at least bespeaks the idea
00:26:32they want to be better.
00:26:33Yeah.
00:26:34When you just said that, I was thinking about.
00:26:36Did we lose Lady Vernon?
00:26:37I'm sorry.
00:26:37Go right here.
00:26:39Uh-oh.
00:26:39Try it again, baby.
00:26:40Did you touch it?
00:26:41No, I didn't.
00:26:41OK, let me see it.
00:26:42Just bring another one real quick.
00:26:43Y'all remind me of something.
00:26:44I'm sorry.
00:26:46All right.
00:26:46This ain't never happened.
00:26:49Amen.
00:26:49That's all right.
00:26:49Come on.
00:26:50Thank you so much.
00:26:51Go ahead, baby.
00:26:52Keep right on going.
00:26:53Yeah.
00:26:54Yeah, when you were just talking about the do-or-dies,
00:26:58I was thinking about, you're right,
00:27:00couples who just feel like that it's over.
00:27:03What do you say to those couples that maybe one person is
00:27:08doing the work?
00:27:09How do you balance that out?
00:27:10What does that look like?
00:27:13Yeah, yeah, it takes two people to be married.
00:27:16Yeah.
00:27:16But the Bible says that the unbelieving husband
00:27:20is sanctified by the believing wife.
00:27:22So sometimes there's this one that's stronger,
00:27:25and that one is holding it.
00:27:27Because she feels so committed to her covenant
00:27:29that she'd rather be holy than happy.
00:27:31Oh.
00:27:32Go with that.
00:27:33Go with that.
00:27:34Amen.
00:27:36Yeah, she's not getting much out of this.
00:27:39But she made a decision.
00:27:41Yeah, she made a vow.
00:27:44And that vow to her means more than happy every day,
00:27:48which is where ultimately every person should land,
00:27:50unless you're being abused and cheated on and neglected.
00:27:52Because you didn't pick right does not give you
00:27:54a right to leave.
00:27:56Yeah, I tell people that.
00:27:58No, that's just truth, which is why now you
00:28:00see why I write so many books on dating, why I travel.
00:28:03Because I'm trying to tell people, once you say I do
00:28:06and you're a believer, you've got to do.
00:28:09Yeah, so if you're not sure, this
00:28:11is not how I change my mind, unless you're
00:28:13going to be average and unbiblical and ungodly
00:28:16and just trade in husbands like cars.
00:28:20Wow.
00:28:20Jesus.
00:28:21Come on, sir.
00:28:22Yeah, why y'all leave each other?
00:28:24Because we weren't happy.
00:28:25Show me that in the Bible.
00:28:28Show me how you get to break a covenant, a godly covenant,
00:28:31because you're not happy.
00:28:33Yeah, that's a contract.
00:28:36Not a covenant.
00:28:37A covenant is in blood.
00:28:40The covenant agreement, the Abrahamica covenant,
00:28:42the Noahic covenant, the blood covenant, the marriage
00:28:46covenant, it is a promise.
00:28:48Bless his name.
00:28:50That's good.
00:28:51I said Jesus and got happy.
00:28:54I said Jesus.
00:28:55Don't say his name too long.
00:28:56Even at church, even at a marriage conference,
00:28:59you start saying Jesus, amen.
00:29:01So I want to say this and load up your questions
00:29:06because we're going to answer them.
00:29:08The Bible recommends, baby, and I want to do this,
00:29:12because I don't want you to, listen,
00:29:15I don't want couples who just kind of just meagerly just
00:29:19make it through for 50 years.
00:29:22I want to see couples enjoy each other at the word church.
00:29:25And I don't know when the enjoyment stops.
00:29:27I just know it hasn't stopped for me.
00:29:30And we're going on 30 years.
00:29:32But I don't know everything.
00:29:33The Corleys, clap for them.
00:29:35The Campbells, 50 years, 53 years, I think, 45.
00:29:40The Corleys, I think, 46.
00:29:42There's a bunch of people.
00:29:43The Mackleys back there, 40 years.
00:29:45All my 40-year couples, stand up right quick.
00:29:47If y'all don't clap, you got 40 years under you.
00:29:49Stand up.
00:29:50Let's clap around this.
00:29:51Wow.
00:29:51Oh!
00:29:52Oh, wow.
00:29:53That's what I'm talking about.
00:29:54Yeah.
00:29:55Anybody got 50 years?
00:29:58Any 50-year couples here tonight?
00:30:01They sleep.
00:30:01Praise God.
00:30:02Amen.
00:30:02They got their hands up.
00:30:03Yeah, this was too late for them.
00:30:05They watching, but that was too late.
00:30:08They tired.
00:30:08I said they tired.
00:30:12But I'll say this.
00:30:14Yeah, the Campbells, they're waving at me.
00:30:16But they say they have learned so much being up
00:30:19under this teaching.
00:30:22And they're sitting there.
00:30:23They said to me, we do the work now.
00:30:26We're doing more of the work now.
00:30:28We're in it now.
00:30:29We're processing.
00:30:30We're talking to each other more.
00:30:32So thank you.
00:30:3330 and over and just been married with each other,
00:30:36thank you so much for now doing the work.
00:30:38Just doing the work.
00:30:39So all I can speak to experientially
00:30:42is 27 years, I think, would be for us.
00:30:46Anybody married longer than that is at a place I haven't been,
00:30:51whether I'm their pastor or not.
00:30:52Yeah, I can actually learn some things from them
00:30:54because I have not been there.
00:30:56Anybody under 30 years or so, I can tell you
00:30:59that it gets better and better.
00:31:03I teach this boldly because it's my calling.
00:31:06I said at the 9 o'clock service, and I don't ever
00:31:09want to talk about it without you feeling the passion on me.
00:31:11What civil rights was to Dr. King,
00:31:14marriage and family is to me.
00:31:17Yeah, it's my calling.
00:31:19And when you watch Michael Jordan play or Colby LeBron,
00:31:23you can see the passion when they had the ball.
00:31:25You can tell when LeBron is in his calling,
00:31:27like Venus and Serena with the tennis rack.
00:31:30This is what I do.
00:31:31And marriage, for me, one of my callings before I die
00:31:36is to put the sexy back in Christian marriage.
00:31:38I love that.
00:31:39I love that.
00:31:40To put the sexy back.
00:31:44One of my pastors, I ain't going to say friend
00:31:46because it couldn't be a friend, but some pastor was talking
00:31:48behind my back.
00:31:49It got back to me.
00:31:50And it was, these pastors now, is anybody really that in love?
00:31:56Was a statement they made.
00:31:57And it got back to me.
00:31:59Yeah, Negroes, where you praise, praise, praise, praise,
00:32:01praise, praise, praise, praise.
00:32:03OK.
00:32:06Is anybody really that in love?
00:32:08And I thought to myself, you preach like you are.
00:32:13I am.
00:32:15I'm not faking.
00:32:16I enjoy marriage more than anything else in this world.
00:32:22I really do.
00:32:25My wife is more important to me than my sisters, my brothers,
00:32:28my friends, money, a home, the word church.
00:32:32This is my girl.
00:32:34If I got her, I can do anything, go anywhere.
00:32:38I can accomplish it.
00:32:39She got my back.
00:32:41She's cute to me.
00:32:42I enjoy sleeping with her.
00:32:44She covers me.
00:32:52Yeah, I was blessed.
00:32:54I was blessed on yesterday.
00:32:56Pastor ended up calling me.
00:32:57He just called me and said, he said, are you happily married?
00:33:02I'm happy.
00:33:04And just to hear that passion that I started laughing,
00:33:08I said, yeah, baby, I'm happy.
00:33:10But the check-in for me, it wasn't, I mean, he checked in.
00:33:15When was the last time you checked in and said,
00:33:18are you happy?
00:33:21Well, no, go ahead, go ahead, finish, baby.
00:33:23Are you OK?
00:33:25And then if they say, no, I'm not, or this is,
00:33:29what are you going to do with that?
00:33:31Then that's the next step.
00:33:32Like, what are you going to do with that, I'm not OK,
00:33:35we're not OK?
00:33:36Because you can be in the marriage,
00:33:38but y'all seeing the marriage differently.
00:33:40I got to jump in.
00:33:42Please do.
00:33:42I'm not totally responsible for making you happy.
00:33:46Absolutely right, you're right.
00:33:48I'm not totally responsible for that,
00:33:49because that can guilt trip me, because you're not healthy.
00:33:53That's good.
00:33:53And nobody can make you happy until you get yourself healthy.
00:33:58So you got to be careful with somebody
00:34:02who has such home of origin and rejection stuff,
00:34:06that even when you're doing right, they still feel wrong.
00:34:09That's good, baby.
00:34:10Right?
00:34:11So many demons in their head.
00:34:13So much stuff they mommied and said.
00:34:14So much distrust for men because of their ex.
00:34:17So much stuff because of the brokenhearted stuff
00:34:20they son did or not doing.
00:34:22And here you are trying to be a good husband,
00:34:24but she's weighted by so many other things
00:34:26that you get threw up on.
00:34:30Her sickness throws up on you.
00:34:32So I don't take, you're not responsible for my happiness.
00:34:35What I just said, Jesus is the center of my joy.
00:34:39Jesus is the center of my joy.
00:34:42But if I'm going to be married, thank God
00:34:44to have a woman that don't rob me of my happy.
00:34:48I'm happy now.
00:34:50All you got to do is not get in the way.
00:34:51Just miss that.
00:34:52Praise God.
00:34:52Come on, sir.
00:34:53Oh, I just, I'll sit down.
00:34:55Come on.
00:34:55Praise God.
00:34:56Give me a dollar.
00:34:56Lift the camera up.
00:34:57I'll sit down.
00:34:57I'm going to throw a dollar at you.
00:34:58Lift the camera up.
00:34:59Lift the camera up.
00:34:59See, who is that?
00:35:00My head is cut off.
00:35:01There you go.
00:35:01Praise God.
00:35:01OK, I'm going to sit back down.
00:35:03Praise God.
00:35:03Amen.
00:35:04Ray, it's bad up there.
00:35:05I don't know what's happening with your team.
00:35:07The mic is off.
00:35:07The battery, the camera.
00:35:09Hello?
00:35:09Hello.
00:35:10Hello.
00:35:11I got it now.
00:35:12Hello?
00:35:13What we got?
00:35:13What we got?
00:35:15We have another question for you.
00:35:16Here it is.
00:35:17How do you encourage your husband to seek counseling
00:35:20or to address his childhood trauma?
00:35:25I'm going to bless you.
00:35:27So people walk up to me and say, Pastor, my husband's a trip,
00:35:32or he won't come, or he has stuff.
00:35:35And how do I say it to him?
00:35:37And I've been saying this for 20 years.
00:35:39It's not a game.
00:35:41It's just real.
00:35:41You have to placate a man's ego, because we have ego.
00:35:44And we're strong.
00:35:45And we don't want to hear nothing
00:35:47about what your preacher said.
00:35:49Yeah.
00:35:50Everybody trying to hear that.
00:35:51Yeah, he ain't my father.
00:35:52Who is he?
00:35:53So you know, Pastor Vernon, then he been cussed at me,
00:35:56and I ain't done nothing.
00:35:56I'm in home sleep.
00:35:57He talking about blank Pastor Vernon.
00:35:59I've been blank for no reason.
00:36:00Leave me.
00:36:01I took strays for 30 years.
00:36:03Amen.
00:36:05So here's what I tell people to say.
00:36:07You say to your husband, you say, can I say this to you?
00:36:11I feel like, in some ways, I'm letting you down as a wife.
00:36:15And I would like to know how I can do better by you.
00:36:19I feel like, in some ways, I'm letting you down,
00:36:21because it doesn't seem like you're totally happy.
00:36:24So what can we do together?
00:36:26So I was talking to Pastor, and telling him,
00:36:28Pastor, I want to be better for you.
00:36:30And I'm trying to figure out how we can work together so
00:36:32that I can maybe be more.
00:36:34So I was hoping we could sit down,
00:36:35and you could even share with Pastor maybe some of the things
00:36:38you need from me in a way that we can work together to see
00:36:41if we can bring each other more happiness.
00:36:43So you're not just saying, you need help.
00:36:46You with me?
00:36:47He heard, we need help.
00:36:49And I love you so much, I want to be a better wife to you.
00:36:52So it is in that encouraging, right?
00:36:55A soft answer turns away wrath, right?
00:36:57So it's the idea of that.
00:36:58So that's that.
00:37:00I would just ask him, number one, is he willing?
00:37:03And a lot of men, for whatever reason,
00:37:04don't embrace the idea of therapy.
00:37:06And we should, amen, if we need it.
00:37:10I want to, man, time is moving fast.
00:37:12I want to do this.
00:37:15So I was making a point about, if you're
00:37:1840 years married, 50 years married,
00:37:20then you have an advantage, or you have time on me.
00:37:24I don't know how sexual we're going to be in 10 years,
00:37:2920 years.
00:37:29I haven't been there.
00:37:31I haven't been there.
00:37:33I can't say that.
00:37:34All I know is what 27 years feel like,
00:37:38and that I enjoy physical, sexual, mental,
00:37:43and it's getting better, not worse.
00:37:46Now, does a lot of that have to do with keeping myself
00:37:49in physical shape and her doing the same?
00:37:51It has to, I'm sure.
00:37:52I mean, we can't make love if we both sink.
00:37:55Well, I guess we could, praise God, amen.
00:37:57But you know, it may not be acrobatic.
00:38:01May not be acrobatic, but we get some stuff done, amen.
00:38:06But can we talk?
00:38:11So I don't know what age that change is at,
00:38:16or if it has to change.
00:38:19I saw a 70-year-old woman that was lifting weights
00:38:23and lifted better than some 40-year-old women.
00:38:25I said, wow, you know what I mean?
00:38:27So I've seen it.
00:38:28But Proverbs 5, verse 18, I do want to say this to us,
00:38:31because we're just not interested in y'all
00:38:33both going to heaven together and not getting divorced.
00:38:36No, that's an entry level.
00:38:39No, we try to take it to the next level.
00:38:42Proverbs 5, verse 18 through 20 says,
00:38:45let your wife be a fountain of blessing for you.
00:38:48Rejoice in the wife of your youth.
00:38:50She is a loving dear, a graceful doe.
00:38:52Let her breast, bless him.
00:39:03Let her breast satisfy you always.
00:39:04May you always be captivated by her love.
00:39:06Why be captivated, my son, by an immoral woman
00:39:09or fond of the breasts of a promiscuous woman?
00:39:13Bless your fresh-flowing fountain.
00:39:14Enjoy the wife you marry, message version says.
00:39:17As a young man, lovely as an angel, beautiful as a rose,
00:39:21don't ever quit taking delight in her body.
00:39:24Never take her love for granted.
00:39:28Why would you trade enduring intimacies
00:39:30for cheap thrills with a whore?
00:39:33That's good.
00:39:35For dalliance with a promiscuous stranger.
00:39:40So, you know, we could do the church version of this.
00:39:44Or as I promised God, no more plastic preaching for me
00:39:50or talking, no.
00:39:51The church version is, I think, number one,
00:39:55I need to be doing everything I can.
00:39:57Women, raise your hand if you agree
00:39:59to look as good as I can for my husband.
00:40:03Yeah. When should I stop being cute?
00:40:11When he don't care.
00:40:13Now, I guess you get to an age where it's
00:40:15like y'all both got a mustache.
00:40:17Praise God, amen.
00:40:18We both got a full beard.
00:40:19We just sleep.
00:40:21Like, baby.
00:40:23Like, baby.
00:40:24Hey, hey, I'm not there.
00:40:32So, I'm doing that for a reason.
00:40:35And I'm not small enough to minimize marriage
00:40:40to physical stuff.
00:40:42You know what?
00:40:43I said, I don't think that we should overthink sex,
00:40:46but I don't think we should underthink it either.
00:40:48Because a lot of men, 50, 60,
00:40:5270 still be looking at stuff they shouldn't.
00:40:54Right? And it's like, you know, I'm not in the mood,
00:40:58but you're in the mood to watch.
00:41:01Yeah, well, you know, I'm older now.
00:41:03That don't matter until it's a stranger.
00:41:05So, I think that one of the things that we try our best
00:41:09to talk about it without over-talking about it,
00:41:11that's why we like this context,
00:41:13because there's no singles here.
00:41:14We can just talk straight.
00:41:15It's real important to me.
00:41:17I watch her get dressed every day.
00:41:19I just sit on the bench while she gets dressed.
00:41:24She'd be like, you pervert.
00:41:25I'd be like, yes, bless his name.
00:41:31She said, you a pervert.
00:41:32I said, yes, I am.
00:41:34Bless his name.
00:41:35For one woman.
00:41:36And I don't ever want that day to come
00:41:42where I don't want to do that.
00:41:43You see my point?
00:41:45You actually told me get worried if you stop,
00:41:48when you stop looking.
00:41:49Yeah, yeah.
00:41:50I'm like, girl, be careful when I stop chasing.
00:41:53Yeah, yeah.
00:41:54Be very worried when I stop sitting here,
00:41:56because it's important to me.
00:41:58And so.
00:41:59But I think intimacy can look different as you get older.
00:42:02So, that's what I want to say.
00:42:04Then you finish it.
00:42:05And that's this.
00:42:07Last time we were together, let's remember this.
00:42:08Write it down.
00:42:09How much lovemaking should be happening in every marriage?
00:42:13Remember that?
00:42:14OK, y'all forgot.
00:42:15Some of you are here for the first time.
00:42:16Remember this.
00:42:18Enough that both are satisfied.
00:42:20That's good.
00:42:21Is that good?
00:42:22That's good.
00:42:23That's once a week and we both satisfied.
00:42:25If we're 60, 70 now, when it happens, it happens.
00:42:29We got grandkids, kids, we got money, we're good.
00:42:32But if your husband's still very much into that,
00:42:34and you know, or she, right?
00:42:37Then no one should ever want more than they're getting.
00:42:42To the best of your ability.
00:42:44If it's like, that's all he want to do.
00:42:46Girl, do it.
00:42:51Do it.
00:42:52Do it till he's satisfied.
00:42:54Come on and do it.
00:42:56Do it.
00:43:01Those watching me across the world, don't comment on me.
00:43:05I am, and I got to say this baby,
00:43:08and then you bail me out here, but I'm going here.
00:43:13It's scarier now than in the 90s.
00:43:18It's scarier now than in the 2000s, early 2000s,
00:43:21the 2010s, because of this phone thing.
00:43:25Because of these women that do nothing for a living,
00:43:29but try to show their behinds and bodies.
00:43:32And I'm going to talk to men about making a covenant
00:43:34with your eyes, according to Job 31.
00:43:38Because if you get into that place, it's hard to get out.
00:43:42There's no man present, company included,
00:43:44that has not maybe looked at something longer
00:43:46than he should have on his phone or on his television.
00:43:50And the enemy uses that to get in your spirit.
00:43:53And then the wife of your youth
00:43:55may not look as attractive to you
00:43:57because you are satisfying yourself to a stranger.
00:44:01So now your wife's ready to make love, let's go here.
00:44:04And you literally have nothing left.
00:44:07Yeah, which is unfair and unbiblical and ungodly.
00:44:12So I'm trying to save all of my sexuality for my wife,
00:44:15not some cheap thrill in the bathroom
00:44:19with someone I don't know.
00:44:21Now she like, why you don't want to touch me?
00:44:23Because you've satisfied yourself.
00:44:25Now that's rough stuff, but I got to go here.
00:44:27And I touch pastors and preachers
00:44:29and persons I cover and train.
00:44:31So I ain't just talking in the sky.
00:44:33I know what the issues are in some of these marriages.
00:44:35So I don't want to park there,
00:44:37but I don't want to minimize.
00:44:40Be as sexy as you can for your wife, watch this,
00:44:45and be the kind of man she want to touch.
00:44:49Amen.
00:44:51Amen.
00:44:52You stink.
00:44:58Right.
00:44:59Wash up.
00:45:00Right, yeah.
00:45:02When we were together last, you guys remember,
00:45:04I parked there for a second and I said,
00:45:07for men, I said, can you, you know, take a shower at night?
00:45:11You know, can you take a shower in the morning?
00:45:13You know, when you guys are going out in the street,
00:45:15you guys put on your best cologne.
00:45:17You look good.
00:45:18You smell good.
00:45:19Well, bring that to bed.
00:45:22All the women, y'all better come on here and say, amen.
00:45:27Amen.
00:45:28Yeah, I think that it's important too for the men.
00:45:30I know for women, for me,
00:45:31it's important for me to look good for my husband.
00:45:34So therefore, when I'm at home,
00:45:36I try to put on things that I know that he likes.
00:45:39I try to make sure that I look good.
00:45:41I try to make sure,
00:45:43and I'm not offended when he asks me
00:45:45to put on certain things,
00:45:47because again, the Bible talks about
00:45:50everyone is not ready for the largeness of marriage,
00:45:53being mature enough for marriage.
00:45:55You gotta have a certain aptitude,
00:45:57a maturity to receive a critique from your husband.
00:46:01Like, baby, don't put that on.
00:46:02That don't look right.
00:46:03That's not flattering on you.
00:46:05Well, see, a silly girl or somebody who's not immature,
00:46:08somebody who's still in a broken place,
00:46:10may hear something else.
00:46:12All he said was, can you put on something else?
00:46:14But all you heard was something from your past,
00:46:16some rejection from your past.
00:46:18So therefore, I try to always make sure that I look,
00:46:22you know, and I'll try to put on something that he likes.
00:46:25Well, for me, it's important for me that he smells good
00:46:29and look good and work out and do,
00:46:32you ain't gotta sit up in your, you know what?
00:46:34Now he clapped, look at this.
00:46:36Now, seriously.
00:46:42You making me choke.
00:46:43I'm choked up.
00:46:46I'm choked up.
00:46:47No, but it's important that.
00:46:48♪ Whatever you want. ♪
00:46:51♪ You don't need anybody. ♪
00:46:54♪ Whatever you need. ♪
00:46:55Baby, you good.
00:46:56You are, you good.
00:46:58You are.
00:46:59Hello.
00:47:01Thank you, thank you, Ray.
00:47:02Jesus is on the main line.
00:47:03What we got, Ray?
00:47:05Absolutely, those push-ups weren't great,
00:47:06but we won't mention that right now.
00:47:08Get up here and let's get it then, little man, little Ray.
00:47:12Little Ray, come on up here and let's see then.
00:47:13Where's your woman?
00:47:14Bring your woman, turn your little woman with you.
00:47:17And let's see what we got.
00:47:19It wouldn't be close.
00:47:20Don't try to play me.
00:47:21Let's get it then.
00:47:23It wouldn't be close.
00:47:24Not in front of your church.
00:47:25Let me ask you this, sir.
00:47:26Let me ask you this.
00:47:27How do you handle blended family issues
00:47:31with grown children that show dislike
00:47:35and disrespect towards your spouse?
00:47:37Oh, that's good.
00:47:41Yeah, we are blended.
00:47:42There's no secret about that.
00:47:44And the biological parent is always the parent
00:47:49that should put their foot down.
00:47:50Absolutely.
00:47:52The biological parent has to take the lead on,
00:47:54you're not going to dishonor my spouse.
00:47:56Absolutely.
00:47:57Unless the spouse is doing something really bad,
00:47:58it's always the biological parent
00:48:02because if it's the other parent,
00:48:02then they're the wicked stepmother witch
00:48:05or the wicked stepdaddy.
00:48:06So it's better for the biological to always say,
00:48:09now, look, I raised you, I love you.
00:48:13I know things didn't work out with your mother and I,
00:48:16your father and I, but this is my spouse.
00:48:19And he loves me, he treats you well,
00:48:21and you're going to honor him.
00:48:23You're going to honor her.
00:48:24So the honor system has always been big in our life.
00:48:29My baby Dominic over there,
00:48:31I remember he was little way, way back.
00:48:33He had one little day and I understand that too.
00:48:36I mean, things shift all of a sudden.
00:48:38Here's this new guy, he's six, seven years old,
00:48:40and he was doing something.
00:48:41All I know, him and his mother went for a ride in the car.
00:48:45I don't know what she's saying.
00:48:48I know when they got back, he's like, I'm sorry.
00:48:50Keep on paying our bills, sir.
00:48:51Praise God.
00:48:54Would you buy me some tennis shoes, daddy?
00:48:58And then the girl got a college tuition out of it too.
00:49:01Praise God.
00:49:01It worked out for him and he got a job.
00:49:02Praise God.
00:49:03I'm the best thing ever happened to you and your mama.
00:49:05Boy, I just thought about that.
00:49:07Come give me a hug, I'll save you.
00:49:09You're stupid.
00:49:12Sit down.
00:49:15No, it was very important for me
00:49:19because I knew again, the gift, my husband,
00:49:22it was important to me that my children honored him
00:49:25and honors him, even my biological,
00:49:28I mean, his biological kids.
00:49:30I just don't play when it comes to my husband.
00:49:35Kids need to be kids.
00:49:37You don't ever get to us just too grown
00:49:39that you think you're gonna say anything to us.
00:49:42So yeah, I just look at them and say,
00:49:44just don't play with us.
00:49:46And I don't side with my kids against my husband.
00:49:50It's me and him against them.
00:49:53And my kids know that.
00:49:54So I think that's important.
00:49:56I think it's important for the person
00:49:58who brought the kids into the family,
00:50:00you set the standard.
00:50:01You say, this is how we, this is what we're gonna do.
00:50:04This is how we're gonna respect everybody.
00:50:06And this is the rules.
00:50:07This is the new rules in the house.
00:50:09I wanna, before we run out of time,
00:50:12can we have 10 minutes?
00:50:13Is this good?
00:50:14Is this good?
00:50:15I mean, because I know we got to dance and all that,
00:50:17but I wanna get to this baby
00:50:18and I want you to help me with this.
00:50:21So I wanna give you what the New Testament says.
00:50:23It points to Jesus and his glory.
00:50:25Ephesians 5, 21, out of respect for Christ,
00:50:29be courteously reverent to one another.
00:50:32Out of respect for Christ.
00:50:34Let's go here.
00:50:35Be courteously reverent to one another
00:50:39or subject to one another or submitted to one another.
00:50:41It's not just a woman submitting to her man.
00:50:44The Bible suggests mutual submission.
00:50:47Lady Vernon, it says Ephesians 5, 22, 24,
00:50:51and we gotta go,
00:50:52for wives, this means submit to your husbands
00:50:54as to the Lord.
00:50:55For a husband is the head of his wife
00:50:57as Christ is the head of the church.
00:50:59He is the savior of his body, the church,
00:51:01as the church submits to Christ.
00:51:02So wives should submit to husbands in every thing.
00:51:06And we know logically, intelligently,
00:51:10I don't submit to you if you wanna go smoke dope.
00:51:12Right.
00:51:13Yeah, I don't submit to you wanting a menage a trois.
00:51:17That's not gonna happen.
00:51:18So it is the kind of submission where I honor my husband
00:51:22and I honor him.
00:51:25Lady Vernon, verse 25 and 26.
00:51:28Husbands, go all out in your love for your wives
00:51:31exactly as Christ did for the church.
00:51:33A love marked by giving, not getting.
00:51:35A love marked by giving, not getting.
00:51:38Marriage is selfless.
00:51:40Everybody say selfless.
00:51:42Selfless.
00:51:43And it's no joke.
00:51:45My whole life is to try my best to really make her happy
00:51:50to the best of my ability to provide for her
00:51:52or to work hard as I can to provide for her.
00:51:55Sometimes we both have to work.
00:51:56That's called life.
00:51:57But God knows if he had a million dollars,
00:52:00he'd give it to you.
00:52:02Yeah, that's the kind of guy you married to.
00:52:04If he had a million, he'd give it to you.
00:52:06Praise God.
00:52:07Look at him and ask him.
00:52:10But what if he doesn't?
00:52:11Praise God.
00:52:12Well, let's get.
00:52:13What if he doesn't?
00:52:14Well, then I'm sorry.
00:52:15Here it is.
00:52:17Christ's love makes the church whole.
00:52:21His words evoke her.
00:52:23Everything he does and says is designed
00:52:27to bring out the best out of her.
00:52:29I think a good husband brings the best out of his wife.
00:52:31Absolutely.
00:52:32Yeah, I do.
00:52:34I do.
00:52:35I watch you flow.
00:52:36I watch you stand on stage.
00:52:37I remember you used to didn't even want to touch your mic
00:52:40and now you just flow.
00:52:41I watched you with the academy and your entrepreneurial stuff
00:52:44and it's like, I love that.
00:52:47Baby, help them and help us.
00:52:50Those who may not be completely happy tonight,
00:52:53while you work toward happy,
00:52:56commit, write this down, to honor and loyalty.
00:53:01Honor and loyalty.
00:53:05That's everything to me.
00:53:07I preached about it a couple of weeks ago,
00:53:09but honor and loyalty.
00:53:10When your love don't work, make sure your honor do.
00:53:14Yeah, make sure your honor do.
00:53:16Honor, honor means I don't just talk
00:53:17any kind of way to her.
00:53:18Honor means I say yes ma'am to my wife.
00:53:21I say yes ma'am to women, to young girls on my staff.
00:53:24I say yes ma'am to her.
00:53:25She's ma'am.
00:53:26I honor Lady Verney.
00:53:28I honor her when she's not looking.
00:53:31Yeah, I honor her.
00:53:32When things pop up on my phone, I think to myself,
00:53:35if she was looking at a bunch of beautifully built men,
00:53:38how would that make me feel if I walked in and saw it?
00:53:40And then that makes me say that's not being loyal.
00:53:43That's not being loyal.
00:53:45That's not showing honor.
00:53:47And if we both work toward honor,
00:53:49and if you talk a certain way to your husband,
00:53:52it takes a lot out of him, right?
00:53:56Yeah, you know, I wrote this down.
00:53:58Marriage is a sacred bond between two individuals.
00:54:02It's meant to be based on love, trust, respect,
00:54:07loyalty, and shared values.
00:54:10It's a sacred bond.
00:54:12When you stood in front of the man of God,
00:54:15or if you stood in front of a judge,
00:54:17you made a vow, a covenant.
00:54:20I love what you said at the beginning.
00:54:21You said, this is not a contract.
00:54:24So when, for me, when his heart is not working,
00:54:28or when his head is not working,
00:54:29because sometimes it look like the heart
00:54:31and head is not working, I honor God.
00:54:34I'm glad that you came back around and you said that,
00:54:38you know, it's not just about me making you happy,
00:54:40but because I'm truly happy in God,
00:54:44because I really want to please God,
00:54:47that encompasses me being a mother.
00:54:49That encompassed me being a first lady, a daughter,
00:54:55but most importantly, it encompassed me
00:54:57being a great wife to him.
00:55:00So then my mind thinks about what would Jesus say
00:55:03when I'm picking something up on the floor
00:55:05that I felt like, okay, he shouldn't have left this
00:55:06on the floor.
00:55:07I really be thinking about the good about him.
00:55:10Like, honestly, I think, you know what, this man,
00:55:12pay my bills, I'll pick it up.
00:55:15I shut the cabinets up.
00:55:16You ain't got to shake your head, I see you.
00:55:19But when I shut the cabinets, it's like,
00:55:22that's minor to argue about.
00:55:24That's a part of the renter's agreement.
00:55:28Underwear.
00:55:29I was trying to be serious.
00:55:30House note.
00:55:31I was trying to be serious, I was trying to be serious.
00:55:37But I really try to focus on God.
00:55:39It's like, we learned this years ago from a past counselor.
00:55:43She said, take his head off.
00:55:44Take his head off and put Jesus's head on there.
00:55:47Wow.
00:55:48And serve, serve, serve God.
00:55:52You're not, I'm not serving my husband.
00:55:54When I make his food, when I'm making love to him,
00:55:57when I bring him some water in the midnight hour,
00:55:59when I'm just like, just got nestled in the bed,
00:56:02and he like, can you go get me some water?
00:56:05No, you do that.
00:56:07All the time.
00:56:09And I get up and go.
00:56:11You were doing good in your little sermon.
00:56:12But that part, no, I enjoyed it.
00:56:16But I don't ask you to go get me nothing.
00:56:19You the one, baby, and I jump up, yes ma'am.
00:56:22Tell the truth.
00:56:23That's what the brother in the back said.
00:56:24That's what I like about the Word Church.
00:56:28You are mad.
00:56:31Here it is.
00:56:32I'm gonna skip some of the verses in Ecclesiastics.
00:56:34You'll read them.
00:56:35But let's take our phones out.
00:56:37Let's end on some things I want you to do, all right?
00:56:41Some things I want you to do.
00:56:43Some things you can take home with you.
00:56:45Just some things, and we'll pick it up
00:56:47next time we get together.
00:56:48And we're gonna make this exciting.
00:56:50We'll have some other couples join us
00:56:52that have had various things.
00:56:53They've survived, and they'll ask you some questions.
00:56:56People who do marriage even better than us
00:56:57or have been married longer.
00:56:59We want Marriage Night Out to be good, all right?
00:57:02We do.
00:57:03So here's a few things.
00:57:04I talked about one this morning.
00:57:06Never discuss separation or divorce.
00:57:09Matthew 19, six says what?
00:57:11Would God has joined together?
00:57:12What?
00:57:13Yeah.
00:57:14Let no man put asunder.
00:57:15Don't discuss divorce.
00:57:17Watch this.
00:57:18If you start discussing it, then go on and do it.
00:57:22Yeah, don't keep threatening me with that.
00:57:25Yeah, let's either, let's do this.
00:57:28No games here.
00:57:30Plus I have rejection issues.
00:57:32So I don't want to hear about you might leave me.
00:57:34Yeah, I have that.
00:57:35So I'm not gonna do things that would cause you.
00:57:38I'm not gonna give you any biblical reason,
00:57:40but I'm not gonna be perfect.
00:57:41But let's don't discuss that.
00:57:43When I know I can't leave,
00:57:46it forces me to have to make things right.
00:57:49Because I don't have a plan B, right?
00:57:51When there's a plan B, it changes your whole mind.
00:57:54And there are women, particularly unchurched women and men,
00:57:57who sit around and contemplate their exit strategy, right?
00:58:02They writing things down, got a little private stash.
00:58:04Okay, I know this gonna happen.
00:58:06So I would hate to be married to that person
00:58:09that has no kind of loyalty and covenant toward me.
00:58:14Number two, invest in your marriage.
00:58:17Invest in your marriage.
00:58:20I need you to make an investment in your marriage.
00:58:21I know many of you do,
00:58:23but let's talk about the first investment,
00:58:26spiritually invest.
00:58:29Worship together.
00:58:30You do that already.
00:58:31Amos 3 and 3, Dr. Vernon said earlier,
00:58:34how can two walk together except they be in agreement?
00:58:37Amos 3, 3.
00:58:39So the fact that you come to church together,
00:58:41and those who husbands or wives came tonight just for this,
00:58:44I would love to meet you, my brother,
00:58:46my beautiful sister, and just thank you for coming.
00:58:48And I would love for you guys to come each week together,
00:58:51not just on marriage night.
00:58:53There's power in worshiping together.
00:58:55One of my favorite things
00:58:58is seeing certain couples sit together every Sunday,
00:59:01my beautiful brother right here and his beautiful wife.
00:59:04I've watched them go through all kinds of stuff,
00:59:05but they love Jesus.
00:59:07When you love Jesus, don't it make it better couples?
00:59:09Yes, it does.
00:59:10Come on, elders, ministers, deacons, raise your hand
00:59:12if you know Jesus is the reason
00:59:15that we're hearing the same sermon.
00:59:18People ask me, can we go to other churches
00:59:20and not worship together?
00:59:22I say, it's not a sin, but I don't think it's wisdom.
00:59:25I'm not trying to have different theologies in our house.
00:59:28When my pastor felt like tongues are over,
00:59:29my pastor believes that you should continue in tongues,
00:59:31and now we debating about what our pastor said.
00:59:34There's some things you should have in common.
00:59:37We're hearing the same word, we believe it,
00:59:39that's our spiritual parents, our pastors,
00:59:42that's what we worship.
00:59:44That's an investment.
00:59:45Number two, weekly devotional.
00:59:46Put it back up, weekly devotional.
00:59:48And I want you to commit to this.
00:59:49Notice I didn't say daily devotional.
00:59:52That was the younger RA.
00:59:54That's just not gonna happen.
00:59:55Yeah, we too busy, I got stuff, you got stuff.
00:59:57I talk to God, you still sleep.
00:59:59You talking to God, I'm asleep.
01:00:00We ain't about to play that game.
01:00:02But commit to a weekly devotional
01:00:06that is substantive and real.
01:00:09If you do it once a week, if you do it more than that, fine,
01:00:11but set it today.
01:00:12Matter of fact, start thinking about it now
01:00:15and talk about this.
01:00:16This is a homework assignment.
01:00:17A weekly devotional, I don't care if you're entrepreneurs,
01:00:20I don't care if you have a boss job,
01:00:22there has to be a time.
01:00:24It's not date night.
01:00:25This ain't me and you be happy night,
01:00:26this is me and you seek Jesus.
01:00:29It could be right before we fall asleep,
01:00:30it could be midday, but I need you
01:00:32to have a weekly devotional,
01:00:34and one of you purchase a couple's devotion.
01:00:38Come on, Amazon, whatever.
01:00:39Use the Bible or a couple's devotion
01:00:41that'll lead you through that devotion,
01:00:43and you talk about the Word of God together.
01:00:46All right?
01:00:50Then I want you to invest practically.
01:00:52Practically, invest practically.
01:00:54Here it is, number one, date night.
01:00:56Who has a date night right now?
01:00:58Who could do better at your date night?
01:01:01Thank you for your honesty.
01:01:02Ours is Thursday.
01:01:04My assistant knows, I try not to take engagements
01:01:06on that day, even if they offer me a handsome honorarium,
01:01:10I try to avoid Thursdays because that's my date night,
01:01:13my date night.
01:01:14Now, the next one y'all gonna laugh is fight night.
01:01:19Now, this is next level health.
01:01:21Yeah, fight night should be once every couple of weeks
01:01:25where we actually talk about what's wrong.
01:01:28Yeah, I don't wanna bring up,
01:01:30and here's something else too for date night
01:01:31that I messed up on.
01:01:33I won't do it again.
01:01:34Don't talk about nothing on date night but happy.
01:01:37Right.
01:01:39If you got a child, neither one of y'all can't stand,
01:01:41don't bring him up.
01:01:44Don't bring his behind up on date night.
01:01:46Yeah, look, Keith ain't call.
01:01:48Did he call you?
01:01:48Now y'all gonna, well, he should've called.
01:01:50Now y'all stressed.
01:01:52On date night, I can't tell you how many date nights,
01:01:55me mostly, we didn't fell out on date night
01:01:56because I brought up a subject
01:01:58that shouldn't have came up on date night.
01:01:59Something we've been stressing over,
01:02:01something we've been tripping on,
01:02:02and since we sitting there, something at the church,
01:02:04something, somebody, something had happened,
01:02:06somebody left, came, and here it is on date night.
01:02:09Stress.
01:02:10And we get home like that wasn't it.
01:02:12Right.
01:02:13You ever got home from date night like that wasn't it,
01:02:15that wasn't it, that wasn't it, that wasn't it.
01:02:17Date night should be romantic.
01:02:19Date night, she's sitting right there.
01:02:20I still get dressed and put on something.
01:02:23Here's the thing.
01:02:24Every other Thursday,
01:02:26I know Elder Gully does this with Monique too.
01:02:28Every other Thursday, one of us pick the place.
01:02:31Who does that now?
01:02:32It's a good thing.
01:02:34Be in charge of date night every other week.
01:02:37So I don't know where we're going.
01:02:39Y'all not, this ain't exciting.
01:02:42They listening.
01:02:45And one time, man, there was like this hotel.
01:02:48I'm thinking we going to a restaurant.
01:02:50So we pull in this hotel way out by my brother's house.
01:02:52And we go in this hotel.
01:02:53She didn't lay the stuff out on the hotel room.
01:02:55I didn't even know this hotel was in Cleveland.
01:02:58I got so excited.
01:02:59You did.
01:03:00I'm like, oh yeah, we're about to go down.
01:03:03It's going down, down, baby.
01:03:07And so, you know, so we pick it.
01:03:10And to this day, I jump out the car.
01:03:13I pull to the front of the house.
01:03:14She comes out.
01:03:15I jump out more around.
01:03:16I open up that door.
01:03:18I close that door.
01:03:19I have jazz music playing, car is nice and clean.
01:03:22Like I just met her.
01:03:23Like I'm trying to get her to keep liking me.
01:03:26Come on, talk to me, somebody.
01:03:27It's date night.
01:03:28She dressed cute.
01:03:30And you know, we only can dress so cute in Cleveland
01:03:33because everybody knows us and all that,
01:03:34but cute as she can without it being the members there.
01:03:36Praise God, amen.
01:03:38And all of that.
01:03:39All right, so that's another one.
01:03:42But then let there be a night once a month or so
01:03:45where we plan these two hours,
01:03:47where we talk about maybe there's some issues.
01:03:49That's health.
01:03:50And we do it with honor.
01:03:52All right, here's another one.
01:03:53Good vacations.
01:03:54Somebody ought to say amen right there.
01:03:58Yeah, that's enough reason to work hard
01:03:59and tithe right there.
01:04:01You know, now that's when I spend a little money.
01:04:03That's when I'll be a little bit boss
01:04:05when we hit that airport,
01:04:06because that's when it's like, I'm going to enjoy my girl.
01:04:09Good vacations.
01:04:10When she gets off that plane,
01:04:11somebody holding the sign, Dr. Vernon.
01:04:13I don't want to rent a car that take too long.
01:04:15I want somebody to pick me up.
01:04:17Take me where I'm going.
01:04:18You know, and that's based on your income,
01:04:20wherever you are,
01:04:20but whatever a good vacation is to you, do that.
01:04:23And then finally, and then baby,
01:04:25I want you to jump in.
01:04:27Ongoing investigation.
01:04:30I said this last month.
01:04:32Ongoing investigation means don't act like you know, amen.
01:04:39Don't act like you know everything about them.
01:04:41They still changing.
01:04:43Ongoing investigations.
01:04:46Dr. Victory Vernon at 50 something
01:04:49is different than 40 something and 30 something.
01:04:51Now she has a grandchild and a granddaughter, grandson.
01:04:55Our life has shifted.
01:04:56What are your needs now?
01:04:58Ask that brother what he need.
01:05:00In the bed, ask that woman of God.
01:05:02Baby, you want to jump in here?
01:05:03No, I think you're doing a great job.
01:05:05I believe in ongoing investigation.
01:05:07You are a master at that.
01:05:10You're always asking me and checking in.
01:05:13That's again, checking in with your spouse
01:05:15and asking them, are they okay?
01:05:17And where are we?
01:05:18Not just physically,
01:05:20but financially checking in with each other.
01:05:23Where are we headed?
01:05:24What's our three, where are we going in three months?
01:05:27Where are we going in six months?
01:05:28What's our long-term goal?
01:05:30I think that's important.
01:05:33Investigation, yeah.
01:05:35Another way I would invest right this down financially,
01:05:38financially, physical appearance,
01:05:42expensive romantic vacations, marriage materials,
01:05:46insurance policy, leave that up for a minute.
01:05:48Physical appearance.
01:05:49Here's a question my girl and I get from you guys every week.
01:05:52This stuff women are doing to make themselves better.
01:05:55If you and your husband okay with whatever,
01:05:58forget everybody.
01:06:02Well, pastor, that's, oh God.
01:06:07Them phony breasts, where your eyelashes phony.
01:06:13All of y'all hair phony.
01:06:1699%.
01:06:21I say that to say, and I'm joking, but I'm not.
01:06:24Cause I get this question, I'm a pastor.
01:06:25Is it a sin?
01:06:26Is it a sin if she improves herself
01:06:29or I improve myself or whatever?
01:06:30If you two are safe and happy
01:06:34and you don't feel like you're in danger
01:06:36and you've weighed the risk of what you want to do,
01:06:38it's nobody's business what you do
01:06:40to keep your marriage hot.
01:06:42Other than add a third person or pornography.
01:06:46That's fornication, that's sinful, that's adultery.
01:06:49You can't add a third person, look at other crazy stuff,
01:06:52look at other people.
01:06:53But anything y'all got to do or want to do
01:06:56to keep your marriage tight, that's nobody's business.
01:06:59Amen everybody.
01:07:01Amen.
01:07:02Expensive romantic vacations,
01:07:04marriage materials, insurance policies.
01:07:07Love them enough to leave them something when you die.
01:07:12Yeah, yeah.
01:07:13Me dying and her not having enough,
01:07:15man that would haunt me and I don't want that to happen.
01:07:18Were you blessed by this word tonight, man?
01:07:20Were you blessed?
01:07:21Yeah.
01:07:27Great, what we got?
01:07:28Before we go, I want you to write this down.
01:07:30Come on, take your phones out
01:07:32and November 17th, it's on the screen, is our next one.
01:07:37I want y'all to put it in your phones.
01:07:38Come on calendar persons,
01:07:39do we have them on the screens up there?
01:07:40November 17th, if they didn't put it, that's okay.
01:07:42November 17th, November 17th, Sunday, November 17th,
01:07:46same time, same place, we want to do this again.
01:07:50So if you could put that down in your phone
01:07:53so that you're not out of town or traveling,
01:07:55it's going to get better and better and better.
01:07:57There it is right there, next marriage night out,
01:07:59November 17th.
01:08:01Text marriage right now, everybody, to RSVP,
01:08:03let us know you're going to do that,
01:08:04let us know you're coming.
01:08:05Ray, what else we got before we go, buddy?
01:08:06Absolutely, can we just do a rapid fire really quick?
01:08:08Let's hit it, let's hit it.
01:08:10First one is, Lady Verna, has it ever been a time
01:08:12that you didn't think you were enough or sexy enough?
01:08:16What did you do?
01:08:18Worked on myself.
01:08:19That's good.
01:08:20How does a newly married woman adjust
01:08:22to allowing her husband to leave?
01:08:26Allowing her to leave?
01:08:27Allowing him to lead.
01:08:29How do I do newly?
01:08:30Oof.
01:08:31How do you adjust to that?
01:08:32You just adjust, that takes time.
01:08:35Especially if I'm 30, 40 years old and I'm used to leading,
01:08:39that's just humbling myself and realizing now
01:08:41that the two has become one.
01:08:44You kind of answered this,
01:08:45but how freaky can we be as a Christian married couple?
01:08:49Well.
01:08:54Okay, that's what, enough said.
01:08:58Completely.
01:09:01Pastor, when you didn't properly take advantage
01:09:03of your single season, now that you're married
01:09:06and still have a lot of work to do, how do I do that?
01:09:10The blood of Jesus, soul ties being rinsed.
01:09:14If we were with a bunch of different people
01:09:16before we got together,
01:09:17that could have some impact on us sexually.
01:09:19We can't run from that.
01:09:20I've been married before, I'm used to certain things.
01:09:22Things happen that shouldn't have happened
01:09:24because whenever I go out of God's will,
01:09:26I pay for it a little bit.
01:09:28Yeah, and I'm glad I pay
01:09:31because it teaches me that his word is true.
01:09:34And it gives me something to tell my kids,
01:09:35like, this gonna hurt a little bit if you go this way.
01:09:39So you should probably go that way and do it God's way.
01:09:42My spouse cheated, stepped out.
01:09:45Is it okay to take them back?
01:09:47Absolutely.
01:09:49Ephesians four, forgiving one another
01:09:51as God has forgiven you.
01:09:52Matter of fact, in most cases,
01:09:54I actually recommend persons not getting divorced.
01:09:58In most cases, if there's a one-time stupid thing,
01:10:01particularly with men,
01:10:02and I know this sounds sexist,
01:10:04but I'm sorry, I've been doing this longer.
01:10:06I've counseled more people than everybody in this room,
01:10:08probably together, combined.
01:10:10So this is what I do.
01:10:11And I have discovered that normally, sadly,
01:10:13when a man does something, he was just being stupid.
01:10:18Yeah, he was just being stupid.
01:10:20And he don't love nobody just stupid.
01:10:23And stupid is stupid, it's just stupid.
01:10:26But he ain't stutting that person
01:10:29and his flesh, his father, his demons,
01:10:32stuff he looked at.
01:10:34A lot of times when women step out, they ready to go.
01:10:40A lot of times.
01:10:41And sometimes it's vice versa, but a lot of times.
01:10:43But in either case, if you can forgive,
01:10:47it's worth investing in.
01:10:49And plus I've stepped out on Jesus a whole lot.
01:10:51Raise your hand if you've stepped out on Jesus, amen.
01:10:54And it's a great book to read, Torn Asunder, right there.
01:10:57Yes, yeah, Torn Asunder is a great book
01:10:59for any couple here.
01:11:01Read the book called Torn Asunder.
01:11:03It's a great reference for any person
01:11:06that's had infidelity.
01:11:07Write that down, Torn Asunder.
01:11:09You ready for this?
01:11:11I think I'm gonna get happy right here.
01:11:12Because I've been the pastor 25 years almost,
01:11:16I know couples who messed up.
01:11:18And me and Lady Bernie forgot they messed up.
01:11:21Because God brought them back.
01:11:22Y'all should clap right there.
01:11:25We'd be laying in the bed, I promise you.
01:11:27And it was like 2005, 2008.
01:11:31And we remind ourself, man, remember that almost?
01:11:34And God done restored that thing so much,
01:11:36it's under the blood.
01:11:37They learned from it, it's over.
01:11:39They more in love now than they've ever been.
01:11:41He's a restoring God.
01:11:42Can I talk to somebody that know he can restore?
01:11:45I'm not making this up.
01:11:47There are couples in this church
01:11:48that I thought it was over.
01:11:50I went over there, she throwing stuff,
01:11:52mad, caught him, I'm standing in between.
01:11:54Lady Bernie been pregnant sometime.
01:11:55Holding the wife, I'm holding the husband.
01:11:58And I look now, you can't even tell.
01:12:00Good God, look at your neighbor and say,
01:12:02we don't look like what we've been through.
01:12:03Tell your spouse, praise God, amen.
01:12:05We don't look like what we've been through.
01:12:06God is a restoring God, amen.
01:12:09Absolutely, so, and what does it look like practically
01:12:12to be accountable after breaking your spouse's trust?
01:12:15When you've broken your spouse's heart,
01:12:17you gotta answer every question they got
01:12:19every time they ask it.
01:12:21Yeah, and you gotta give them time to trust you again.
01:12:25And you gotta let them see your phone.
01:12:27You gotta be over-accountable.
01:12:28You gotta kiss behind.
01:12:32Yeah, and every time they start talking about it,
01:12:34just say, I'm sorry again.
01:12:36That's good.
01:12:37And you don't get to tell them when to stop saying it.
01:12:39And then the other person gotta understand,
01:12:41I'm a Christian, so how long am I gonna
01:12:43throw this in their face?
01:12:44If you wanna leave me at some point, just leave me.
01:12:46But if you're gonna fight to forgive me,
01:12:47then fight to forgive me.
01:12:49But if they have a relapse and bring it up
01:12:51or wake you up and shake you in the middle of the night,
01:12:52just get up and say, oh Jesus, we gonna be up tonight.
01:12:55It's gonna be a long night.
01:12:56Just get up and say, oh yes, baby, I'm sorry again.
01:13:01But yeah, you have to now be over-accountable.
01:13:04You gotta prove, let them see your phone.
01:13:06You gotta call home more and say, baby,
01:13:09I don't want you to worry about where I'm at.
01:13:10Here's where I'm at, because I know you have doubts.
01:13:13So you can't cheat and be arrogant.
01:13:16Yeah, you're the one cheating, and you're arrogant?
01:13:19Yeah, you end up without a wife or without a husband.
01:13:22So you have to be submitted when you mess up.
01:13:25Amen, Ray, come on, let's go.
01:13:28Any advice on operating a family dynamic
01:13:31with a spouse who does not speak up for you
01:13:33when their family blatantly disrespects you?
01:13:37That's a whole nother thing that's gonna take an hour.
01:13:41I wanna deal with married couples tonight,
01:13:42I wanna deal with married couples tonight,
01:13:44but yeah, always, always, yeah,
01:13:46I've changed entire relationships in my family
01:13:50about my wife, and yeah, you ain't got but one time
01:13:53to do that, and she ain't did nothing to you.
01:13:55You don't like her just because?
01:13:57Then you don't like me either,
01:13:58and I don't care if we cousins, sisters.
01:14:01I'm done with it, I love you.
01:14:02I'll see you in heaven, hopefully, amen, all right.
01:14:05Yeah, I done changed entire relationships about my girl,
01:14:09and she'll do the same for me.
01:14:11We gotta stop.
01:14:13Was that a word, everybody, was that good?
01:14:14Come on, come on, y'all, come on, come on, come on, come on.
01:14:21I want you to just hug your spouse and say,
01:14:24I'm still in love, I'm still in love, come on.
01:14:26Kiss him in the mouth.