Big School - S01 - E06
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00:00So, the transition of a solid directly into a gas is called...
00:06Anybody?
00:09Anybody?
00:13Anybody?
00:15Sublimation.
00:17So, Pat, if you could add a tiny bit of solid carbon dioxide
00:21to the warm water...
00:25That was too much, Pat.
00:30Don't panic, everyone.
00:54And so, after the events of last week,
00:57rap battles are now outlawed on school premises.
01:03Let's just take it as read that all your mamas are fat.
01:08Now, with the details of her upcoming French trip,
01:11Miss, um...
01:12Poston.
01:18Bonjour.
01:23It's French for hello.
01:25So, who wants to say bonjour to la France?
01:31Which is French for France.
01:33We're going to France.
01:35What, to Paris, Miss?
01:36No, Paris was a bit too expensive.
01:38Next best thing, Dieppe.
01:41Where's that?
01:42It's in France.
01:43We're going to be staying in a very nice youth hostel
01:45just outside Dieppe.
01:47Still able to sample all the excitement Dieppe has to offer, though.
01:51The port.
01:53The town square.
01:56The old port. There's so much to see.
01:58The Eiffel Tower.
01:59No, that's in Paris.
02:00Is that where we're going, Miss?
02:01No, we're going to Dieppe.
02:02Where's Dieppe, Miss?
02:03It's in France.
02:05So, can I get a show of hands in the air, please?
02:08Come on!
02:10It'll be fun!
02:14You get to go on a coach.
02:16And buy bangers.
02:17Yes!
02:22Hang on, though.
02:24I'll see if I can move a few things around.
02:26And then when you have, you'll put your note down.
02:28Yes, I will.
02:30You, Frenchwoman! My office! Now!
02:33Will you just pop that up in the staff room?
02:35Yes, of course.
02:38This jolly is a lawsuit waiting to happen,
02:41so hear my rules.
02:43No drinking, no smoking,
02:45and no holiday romances with dirty Frenchmen.
02:48Oh, well, the children will, of course, be supervised at all times.
02:51I wasn't talking about the children.
02:53And I don't want a single complaint, fight or unwanted pregnancy.
02:59Sorry, are we talking about the children now?
03:01Yes!
03:02Oh.
03:04So, I'm afraid I've got some bad news.
03:07You lost our books again, sir?
03:09No, no, no. I know where they are.
03:10Where are they, then?
03:12They're on top of the TV.
03:13So we're getting back tomorrow, sir?
03:14No.
03:16Look, you see, the bailiff came to take the TV.
03:19Still, I did manage to stave some stuff from the caravan.
03:23I got a...
03:25I got a shoe on.
03:27Um...
03:29Pritt stick.
03:31Er...
03:32Got my passport, so...
03:35I can go on the French trip, eh?
03:36Why don't we do a geography trip, sir?
03:38No, no, last time I did one of those,
03:40we went to some caves up Jedder Gorgeway.
03:43Very dark in there.
03:45I banged my head on one of those, um...
03:47You know, one of those things that comes down from the ceiling.
03:50Stalactites?
03:51Yeah. Yeah, correct.
03:53And then I slipped and I impaled myself on one of the other ones,
03:56you know, the ones that come up.
03:57That's good geography.
04:16My...
04:17Nate was up here.
04:19Too late, mate.
04:21Well, it...
04:22It's etched on.
04:23Feel it, feel it.
04:24Can you feel that?
04:26Can't feel anything.
04:27Oh.
04:28Take your name off.
04:29No.
04:30Why do you even want to go to D...
04:31Booze Cruise.
04:32What?
04:33Yeah.
04:34I get over there, buy two, three hundred bottles of strong lager,
04:36stock up for the month.
04:38Yeah.
04:39Janine.
04:40Oh.
04:41Oh.
04:42Dear Janine.
04:45Nope.
04:46Why?
04:47Free holiday.
04:48Oh.
04:49I don't think you'll be much of a holiday.
04:51I mean, you'll mainly be stopping fights and clearing up sick.
04:55Yes.
04:56On holiday.
04:57This is beyond the pale.
04:59Absolutely above and beyond the pale.
05:01I mean, Sarah's going to be furious with you
05:03when she finds out I haven't got my name up there.
05:06You could always buy me out of it.
05:08There are plenty of other places I'd rather visit.
05:11If you think...
05:13If you think I'm going to bribe you not to go on this trip,
05:16you are woefully mistaken.
05:20So, I've got you five nights, fly drive, premium economy,
05:24all inclusive.
05:25You fly to Orlando and then you drive to Disney World
05:28where you'll be staying at the Magic Castle Inn
05:31in the Tinkerbell Suite.
05:33What about Frieda's wheelchair?
05:35I've checked and there's full wheelchair access for your partner.
05:39What about spending money?
05:41No.
05:43So, there's $250 in cash for you and the same for Frieda.
05:49There's a problem, I'm afraid, with Frieda's mother, Jana.
05:53Oh, so you can't go?
05:55No.
05:56Jana would like to come too.
05:58She's always wanted to go on the rock and roller coaster
06:01starring Aerosmith.
06:02No.
06:06Oh!
06:07Bonjour.
06:09Bonjour, bonjour.
06:12Bonjour.
06:13Hola.
06:14Bonjour, mon ami.
06:20All aboard.
06:24Sarah.
06:27I've got you some sucky sweets in case your ears pop.
06:30We're going on the ferry.
06:32And I wanted to warn you about Trevor, cos he...
06:36Wants to shag me.
06:38Precisely.
06:39I'll keep my eye out for that.
06:41Me too.
06:43Au revoir.
06:44Au revoir.
06:47Keith.
06:50It's a shame you didn't put your name down.
07:12Janine, second room for Jana with en suite.
07:15$750 spending money.
07:1730-minute foot scrub each at Little Mermaid's Bar
07:20and a fast pass for the rock and roller roller coaster starring Aerosmith.
07:25Deal.
07:33Did you do all that for me?
07:35No.
07:36Sure.
07:37Just wanted to see dear.
07:39Just wanted to see dear.
07:41Makes sense.
07:55OK, settle down, please, settle down.
07:58I've got a, um...
08:00Sorry, Mr Rupesh, could you turn the music down?
08:05A bit more.
08:06A little bit more.
08:08Tiny bit more.
08:10OK, could you just turn it off, please?
08:14Right, um, I have come up with a little quiz
08:17to keep us entertained on the journey.
08:19It's all about Dieppe.
08:20Where's Dieppe, miss?
08:21It's in France.
08:22Have you seen the Eiffel Tower yet?
08:23No, that's in Paris.
08:24Are we not going to Paris, miss?
08:25No, we have been through all this.
08:27So these are the quiz sheets.
08:28If you just pass them back for me.
08:30I hate doing that, miss.
08:31I'm on holiday.
08:32Not a holiday.
08:33I hate doing that, miss.
08:34I'm on holiday.
08:35Not a holiday.
08:36It is an educational visit.
08:38Got any headache tablets?
08:40No.
08:42Mustn't be Agbo.
08:56Je parle le français.
09:00No, I speak French.
09:02I'd like to speak in French.
09:13A little bit slower.
09:16In French.
09:22And again in English.
09:28That's what I thought you said.
09:32Excuse me?
09:33No, you understood that.
09:35She's Polish.
09:46Well, this is me.
09:48See you all at supper.
09:50Yeah.
09:51Table for two, sir, perhaps?
09:52No, all the teachers will be sitting together.
10:03Oh, dear.
10:05I'm not going in the middle.
10:07It was only me and Garnier before you swapped with Cleb.
10:09You can go in the middle.
10:10No, don't worry about me.
10:11I won't be sleeping in that bed.
10:12Well, where will you be?
10:13Next door.
10:14With Poston.
10:16Doing it.
10:17If that's the reason you came,
10:19you might as well go home now,
10:20because that is not going to happen.
10:22I've got a plan, mate.
10:23Just you wait.
10:25Right, gentlemen.
10:27If you'll excuse me,
10:29I'm going to rinse my balls in the sink.
10:33ELECTRIC WHIRRING
10:35Eugh.
10:38You drink it.
10:40I won't. I'll be upstairs in five.
10:48Is Mr Rupesh not joining us?
10:50No, he likes to stay on his coach.
10:52Oh, that's a shame.
10:54I asked him to keep an eye out for beers.
10:56No, I won't.
10:57I only got 200, so I'd rather you didn't.
10:59Sarah, anything catch your eye on le menu?
11:03Well, there's so much I'd like to try.
11:05Chicken nuggets on white.
11:07Ladies first.
11:09Je voudrais le coq au vin.
11:12Coq in a van.
11:14L'eau fait.
11:15Merci, garçon.
11:17Got any crisps?
11:19Oui.
11:21I've already sold it.
11:22Two packs.
11:24Je m'appelle Monsieur Church.
11:26Je habite en Angleterre.
11:29Je voudrais le moule marinier.
11:33Moule marinier. Very French.
11:35Well, wherever I go in the world, I like to try something new.
11:38Earlier this year, I was passing through Eccles and sampled an Eccles cake.
11:42All right, Thomas Cook.
11:44Right.
11:45I'm, um, going to check up on the kids.
11:48Make sure they're all settled in.
11:50That's very good of you, Trevor.
11:52That's what I'm here for, babes.
11:53Uh, keep my nuggets warm.
12:18When you look up into the night sky,
12:20when you look up into the night sky,
12:22you don't just see stars.
12:24There's tiny...
12:30...and mark out the passage of time over billions or even trillions of years.
12:39Four quid, a tin or two for a tenner.
12:43Don't do it, you hear, Rose?
12:50Are they all in bed?
12:51Sand is asleep.
13:05Excuse me, I need to use the toilet.
13:08There is some time.
13:13Go on, pop in the coach and get me some more beers.
13:15I think you've had enough.
13:18So what are we doing tonight, babes?
13:20Check out the clubs.
13:21See what the Epaz to offer.
13:22Well, it's a big day tomorrow.
13:24The port, the square, the other port.
13:29If there's time in the square again,
13:31I think I'm just going to have an early night.
13:33Gotcha.
13:35Boom.
13:37Sir, I need more beer.
13:38Well, they're not drinking, are they?
13:40No.
13:41I'll sort that out.
13:42Ouch!
13:44Stairs, and then we can go straight to bed.
13:46Separate beds.
13:48Come on.
13:57Is he drunk, miss?
13:58No, no, it's just jet lag.
14:14Well, we can't leave him like this.
14:16No?
14:17No, of course not.
14:22It won't come off.
14:23We'll just get the trousers off.
14:29In case you're wondering what I'm doing,
14:30I'm just unbuckling his belt.
14:39I think the underpants have come down with the trousers.
14:44Oh, yes.
14:47HE GROANS
14:51I think the underpants are too high.
14:54Should I...?
14:55Just split the difference.
14:59HE GROANS
15:02Oh.
15:04Sleep well.
15:06Night, Gareth.
15:07See you in the morning.
15:09Bright and early.
15:11Well.
15:13I'd best be off to bed.
15:14Yes.
15:16Bonne nuit.
15:18Bonne nuit.
15:22Where will you sleep now?
15:25Oh, I hadn't thought of that.
15:27You can't sleep in there.
15:28Oh, no, no, no, I can't.
15:29I definitely can't.
15:31Well, you would always sleep in my room.
15:33Very kind of you.
15:34I'm sorry.
15:35Oh, it's all right.
15:36It's all right.
15:37Well, you would always sleep in my room.
15:39Very kind of you.
15:40Where would you sleep?
15:41I would be in there too.
15:43Oh, no, no, no, I couldn't possibly impose.
15:45No, I'll just lay down here.
15:48That wouldn't be very comfortable.
15:49Oh, I can manage.
15:50Well, quite draughty.
15:51Oh, I don't mind draught.
15:53All right, then, good night.
15:54No, no, I worry it's a potential fire hazard.
15:57Come on, then.
16:00Oh.
16:01Was that you?
16:03Didn't hear a thing.
16:05Probably the plumbing.
16:08Hmm.
16:20Well, this is my bed.
16:22Clare would have slept there.
16:24They're very close.
16:25Would have been fine.
16:26She is a lesbian.
16:28Well, just because she's a lesbian,
16:29it doesn't mean she finds me attractive.
16:31I think all lesbians would find you attractive.
16:33I think you'd be right up there, Ali.
16:34Oh, thank you.
16:36Oh, thank you.
16:43So, how do you want to do this?
16:44Will there be talking or we'll get straight to bed?
16:46Oh, well, I'm quite tired, so I'll probably go straight to bed.
16:51Yeah, I'll probably just give my underarms a...
16:53You might want to pop the radio on.
16:59Oh!
17:02Oh!
17:03Oh!
17:06Should have had the nuggets.
17:09What are you doing here?
17:10Seducting Poston.
17:12What are you doing here?
17:14I'm just using her toilet.
17:16And she...
17:17And she asked me to share her...
17:19Oh!
17:22I'll crack her window, mate.
17:24You've got to leave.
17:25Now.
17:26I'm not going anywhere.
17:27Oh, yes, you are.
17:28If Sarah finds you in here, she's going to be furious with you.
17:31Is everything all right in there? I can hear voices.
17:34Yes, it's fine, thank you.
17:35Everything's under control.
17:39Oh, that is rank.
17:50Oi, Barbara!
17:51Are you in there?
17:55Barbara!
18:02All sorted.
18:04Would be best to still leave it for a bit.
18:07You were showing off having those moles, weren't you?
18:09No.
18:10Yeah, you were.
18:11You were a bit.
18:12A little bit, yes.
18:16So, I'll just get into bed.
18:19Yes.
18:20Into that bed there?
18:22Yes, get into that bed there.
18:24Right-o.
18:28There we are.
18:32Ah.
18:46Keith?
18:48Yes?
18:50Oh, excuse me.
18:58Oh, I'm so sorry.
19:00I'm so sorry.
19:01I'm sure nothing untoward has happened.
19:03Have you seen Keith anywhere?
19:04Um, is he not, um, is he not with you?
19:06No.
19:07I just hope the pervert hasn't violated him as well.
19:10I think there's probably some explanation for all this.
19:12I'm sure there's no pervert.
19:24You.
19:25Morning.
19:27We must leave this place.
19:29Immediately.
19:30What?
19:31We haven't been to the square yet.
19:33Or either of the ports.
19:34None of us are safe here.
19:36We must leave this place.
19:37Now.
19:39Pack your bags.
19:40This trip is over.
19:45Quick.
19:46Get on the coach.
19:47We're going home.
19:49I need a drink.
19:50I need a drink.
20:21What's the matter?
20:22Come on, let's get you home.
20:43Oi!
20:45Oi!
20:48Oi!
20:49Stop the bloody coach!
20:55Underage drinking.
20:57An all-night party.
20:59A half-naked teacher in the car park.
21:02Another too drunk to stand.
21:04And a very serious allegation of a teacher being molested.
21:08That's right.
21:09I was tampered with.
21:12Yeah, and he came in and spied on me while I was having a bath.
21:15That's not fair.
21:16What happened was I urgently needed to use Miss Boston's lavatory
21:19and it wasn't until I had unbuttoned my trousers and pulled them down...
21:22I think you're making it worse for yourself.
21:24Miss Barron, you have to believe us.
21:26Nobody was molested.
21:28I don't know what to believe.
21:30Mr Barber had a few too many drinks.
21:33Oh.
21:34And myself and Mr Church helped him undress.
21:37Unfortunately, his underpants came down with his trousers.
21:40Tried to pull the underpants back out.
21:42But they went right up into his...
21:44That's quite enough, thank you.
21:45There will be no more school trips in the foreseeable future.
21:49You may all leave.
21:51What?
21:52Look, well, I'm sorry, but I think that is a real shame.
21:55Especially for all those children who are really looking forward to seeing Dieppe.
21:58It's a shithole. Leave.
22:00I'm so sorry.
22:30When you said we'd never change
22:32Well, we never stopped to think about it
22:37No, we're not the same
22:41Let's not break the chain
22:45We should play this game together