A Bit of Fry and Laurie (1989) -S02E04 - 30 March 1990
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TVTranscript
00:00♪
00:30Thank you so much. Thank you, thank you. Good evening, good evening ladies and gentlemen
00:54and welcome to A Bit Of Fry And Laurie. Yes, but not just ladies and gentlemen. Let's not
00:59forget the large number of domestic animals who sit in front of the television while this
01:03programme is on. That's right, let's all say hi to the large number of dogs who are with
01:07us this evening. That was my hello to all the dogs. I'm sorry if it was too high pitched
01:18for you ladies and gentlemen. And while we're at it, let's say a big hi to Marlon Brando.
01:24Marlon, as you probably know, is very much not a dear old friend of ours. We've never
01:30met him. No, but if we say hi often enough, he might just think that we've met him and
01:35give one of those sort of embarrassed half smiles that you give to somebody when you're
01:38not sure whether or not you know them. Did you perhaps sit next to them on the train
01:43once? Are they something to do with your brother-in-law? This is pathetic. You're right, it is pathetic.
01:48It's undeniably pathetic. But, ladies and gentlemen and canine pals, we're after your
01:54help tonight because we aim, in the next half hour, to become big. So big that even Marlon
02:01Brando will know exactly who we are. Yes, but first of all, it might be helpful if we
02:06were to explain exactly what big is. You see, Stephen and I are both very tall, but we're
02:11not very big. No. Whereas, by quite stark contrast, Mickey Rooney, Prince and Michael
02:20J. Fox are very short, but incredibly big. So, let's take a look at our bigometers so
02:26we can just spell that out. That's right. Now, up here, registering 1009, is Marlon
02:34Brando. And we're down here at 1.4. And here, registering 108, is the big-ish Tony Gubber.
02:45So, that gives you some idea of the kind of mountain we have to climb. But, with your
02:50help, ladies and gentlemen, we can make it. So, let's see if we can't hit 1.5 by the end
02:55of the evening. All right. Good luck. Good luck. I suppose, if I am honest, I use my
03:02penis as a sort of car substitute. You know what makes me really mad? It's the fact that
03:08we have to pay for it. Oh, yes. Yes, we're the ones who pay for it. You know, every bit
03:14of food we want to eat, we have to pay for it. Clothes, I wear. I pay for them. It makes
03:19me mad. And similarly, louche places. Gentlemen, I must tell you, I was in Venice last night.
03:49Ah, la Serenissima. Now, you believe no more about Venice than anybody else in the world.
03:55The Queen of the Adriatic is just one of the things you've been called. I was strolling
04:02through the Rialto, returning from a walk which had taken in the Santa Maria della Salute
04:08and the San Giorgio Romano. Along the Giudecca. Along the Giudecca. Yes. And I believe I'm
04:17right in saying that I counted no less than 97 backpackers. Backpackers? Oh, dear Lord.
04:24Who were doing, as I believe the ghastly phrase is, the academia. Oh, tourists, you see, tourists.
04:31And I remember thinking they're taking away our Venice. The place is absolutely heaving
04:36with Germans. Yes, and Italians. The place is absolutely heaving. Our Venice is sinking
04:41under their weight. You see, I campaigned for years now to have tourists banned from
04:46Venice. Have you? Have you? Yes, I have. I have, yes. It sounds very cruel, very harsh,
04:51I know. Very, um... Deglante? Very deglante, thank you, yes. Yes, but I'm convinced it's
04:56the only way. Was it? Was it who said? He is a tourist. You are a holiday maker, but
05:07I am a traveller. Oh, now, was it Humbert Wolfe? It was Cocteau, surely. Doesn't sound
05:15very Cocteau. But then Cocteau never does, which is how you can always tell it. True,
05:19true, true. Trouche. Of course, it's not just Venice. Oh, good heavens, no. No, it's not
05:27just Venetia. Venice. No, not by a long stroke. No, our whole world is being stained. Stained.
05:37Stained. Stained. Yes, it is. Stained. Yes, it is. Jeremy? Yes, indeed. I blame television.
05:48I'm sorry, but I do. Oh, no, television, no, don't. Please, that fearful Mervyn Bragg.
05:55Oh, Mervyn Bragg, stop it at once. Oh, if I had my way with that Mervyn Bragg... No one
06:00would have been the least surprised. Oh, the lemon pie, dear. Yes, yes. I've always said,
06:16you know, that I could never truly be friends with anybody who didn't love lemon pie. Now,
06:22now, Susan. Now, Susan, don't be sly. Did you make this yourself? Well, let's just say
06:29I made it to the shops in time to buy it. I knew it. Marks and Spencer. M&S. Who else?
06:36M&S. M&S. In U.S. Some show. Oh, they are simply amazing, aren't they? Oh. Have you
06:43tried their new boxer shorts? I haven't. Oh, haven't you? I have. Delicious. Oh, and the
06:47dips. Oh, bless me, their dips. In my local one, there's a really marvellous primary school.
06:53A primary school? Yes. Both mine and my husband's children go there. Well, of course, in my
06:57local one, they've just opened a hospital section. Oh, yes, yes, you can go in and have
07:02minor operations. Everything. There's another one near me. You can actually buy weaponry.
07:07Yes, it is quite right. Mine too. Yes, I actually, I bought an F-111 there last week. It was
07:13so fresh, I swear it was made that day. Really? Really? Well, listen, of course, the great
07:17thing about them is that if you're not happy with anything, you can always go back and
07:22change it. Hello. Ah, good morning, madam. Can I help you? I bought these suits for my
07:28husband, you see, and I want to return them, please. Right. You want to exchange them for
07:33different suits? Oh, no, I don't want different suits. That wouldn't be any good. Not now
07:38he's dead. Oh, dear. Oh, I'm sorry. Now, this is the suit he died in, but I don't think
07:48I don't think you can tell, can you? I think I've managed to get most of it out. And when
07:56exactly did you buy the suit? 1947. I remember the year, because that was the year I bought
08:04his suits. I see, yes, and you want a refund, do you? Refund? Oh, no, no, no, I don't want
08:14a refund. No, I want my money back. I see. Well, have you got the receipt? No, but the
08:23lady will remember me. What lady? Well, the lady who sold them to me, of course. Can you
08:31remember what she looked like? Oh, well, she was about 65. I'm afraid that if she was 65
08:40in 1947, she'd be... Oh, no!
08:52Suits fit your husband all right, didn't they? Oh, yes, thank you. And did you enjoy your
08:59tea at Niall's Corner House? Oh, it was lovely, thank you. He looked so handsome in his uniform.
09:09Still together, are you? 43 years, 43 years since he last rang me. Oh, they're bastards,
09:23aren't they? Can't live with them, can't live without them. Mine can't live at all. He's
09:37dead. Oh, you'll be wanting your money back. Oh, yes. I put it by just in case. You are
09:51a good girl. Three pounds, twelve and six. Oh, thank you. Oh, perhaps the lady would
09:59like a replacement. No, I told you I wanted my money back. He means for your husband.
10:05Oh, goodness. Do you do old men? What size do you take? Five foot six, if you have. Five
10:21foot six straight or five foot six bent? Bent. I see what we've got. Yes, you'll like our
10:29old men, madam. They don't smell at all. Oh. Well, they've got a sort of stale manly
10:35odour. Oh. What do you think? Oh, he's dishy, isn't he? Mind you, you can't tell until you
10:46get them home. Can I change him if I'm not satisfied? Bloody women, they always want
10:54to change you. What makes me really mad is this new drug ecstasy. Makes me mad.
11:02Gelly's bit in the middle. All right. Hallelujah. Yeah. I'm really impressed because, you know,
11:24even I struggle remembering them. Well, I did actually, but I got there in the end.
11:28Well done to you. What do you do, Paul? Thank you for sparing the time. No problem. You
11:34admire Gary Davis? You should make time, Alan. You should unwind. You don't mind if I call
11:45you Alan? Fine with me. Good, good. I just find Sally a bit awkward. I understand. Excellent.
11:53Now then, Alan, I've got your record in front of me here and it makes impressive reading.
11:58Well, you know, I've knocked about the world a bit. You certainly have, but I'd like if
12:03I made a film on a two gaps, take a few side bearings, rough outs and contours. Is that
12:07OK with you? Fine. OK. 65, 66. You ran guns out of Macau using a refitted Dutch trawler.
12:16I can still smell those damn herring. 68, you popped up on the Ivory Coast smuggling
12:21refugees out of Nigeria. The following year, there was that nasty caper with the Rhodesian
12:26mining company. From then on, it's a series of apparently unrelated appearances, working
12:31with European customs, a supply teacher in Maidstone, spray in Rummelpindi, Home Secretary
12:39in the last Labour government, and then a short spell as Nigel Padgett in The Archers.
12:47Someone had to do it. Oh, yeah. OK, now it's my turn, yeah? I've got to tell you that I
12:53don't like being rung up by strange men I've never met before and have files read out of
12:57me. I don't like being asked a lot of questions by men in hats. Suppose you tell me exactly
13:02what is going on and who in blazes you are. All right. We need a man, Alan. We need a
13:08man with exceptional abilities, a man with a record of success against all the odds,
13:13a man with the courage to try his hand at the impossible. Go on. We want you, if you
13:19can, to sit down and watch an entire episode of The Krypton Factory. You're out of your
13:26mind. Listen to me, Alan. It's never been done before. No one has ever watched an entire
13:32programme from start to finish. Oh, sure, we've all seen bits. No one has ever gone
13:37the full distance. If I don't make it, you'll see that Judy's taken care of? Of course.
13:47I'll see you in hell. When I was nine, oh, fewer years ago now than I care to remember,
14:09um, um, my mother told me that in this life one could either be an elf or a pixie. What
14:18she meant by that I fully suppose you may be able all too readily to guess. But her
14:24remarks set me thinking, and from that moment on I purposed to be worthy of her admonitions
14:31and adviselments. I suppose I can look back on my whole life as a kind of quest, a search,
14:37a hunt, an interrogation, if you like. Yesterday was my birthday. I won't tell you which because
14:43I hate you. And I celebrated it in fine style in the company of a cold bottle of Chablis
14:51and a couple of prostitutes. I suppose, in a sense, my quest has come full circle. Or
15:03rather, my hunt is over and I can rest now. Well, I hope you enjoyed that. I'll be here
15:11every Tuesday and Thursday, so until the next time, good night and safe journey home. Come
15:20on. Come on, baby. Ow. Ah, gotcha. Is that you, John? Who else, Peter? I was beginning
15:36to wonder where the hell you... Traffic, Peter, plain and simple. Oh, that's a bitch, John.
15:41Took the switchback routes wherever I could, but frankly the A47 is a car park at the moment.
15:47Damn that bullcock. Peter, it's no good blaming the system. Well, maybe it was. So, fill me
15:55in. How's business this afternoon? Business has been pretty quiet, John. Had a couple
16:00of noisy ones in stall three earlier on, but mostly it's been quiet. Good. Any calls? Yeah,
16:06I had one from the maintenance boys about fixing this damn towel roller. And? Can't
16:10make it till next Tuesday. Damn! That's what I said, John. Damn, blast, triple damn, and
16:16an extra side order of damn. Yep, said that as well. How can they expect us to run a public
16:21lavatory complex without adequate maintenance backup? Beats me, John. They said they'd give
16:26it top priority, but... Top priority, my arse. Just a lot of hot air, Peter. I know, John.
16:34Our clients can't be expected to dry their hands with hot air. Well, actually, John...
16:39No, Peter, Peter, don't start on that electric hand dryer business again. I read your report.
16:44It was good work, but now is not the time. Not the time? I wonder if he'd have used a
16:52phrase like that back when we were running the health club. Peter, Marjorie won. Pure
16:58and simple. It wasn't a fair fight, I grant you, but that's it. Over. You don't have to
17:03throw Marjorie in my face, John. Sorry, Peter, but dammit, we've got a chance here to build
17:09the finest public amenity system Utoxeter has ever known. Dammit, John, when? What's
17:15the time frame? Only a fool would answer that question, Peter. A month, maybe 12, I don't
17:20know. You know, John, every day when I leave the house, Sarah kisses me on the cheek. Sarah,
17:28but your wife's Nancy, surely? Yeah, Sarah's the au pair. She helps out with a lot of Nancy's
17:33chores. She kisses me on the cheek, and dammit, John, if there aren't tears in her eyes. Peter,
17:41I know it's hard. Kids get a rough time at school, you know. Oh, yes. Ha, ha, ha, ha,
17:47ha, ha, ha. Sherman's dad is a lavatory attendant. Don't ever say that, Peter. Peter, I know,
17:54that Peter, that one there, him, yeah, he's nobody's lavatory attendant. He is an equal
18:00partner in an enterprise that is going to put Utoxeter's sanitation well into the 21st
18:06century. Dammit, John, the shame. Peter, listen up now and listen up good. What you're doing
18:13here is for Nancy and the kids. Every time you refill one of these soap dispensers, it's
18:18for them. Every time you pluck a cigarette end out of that urinal, it's for them. Every
18:23time you unclog a U-bend with your bare hands, it's for them. Dammit, John, maybe you're
18:29right. You bet I'm right. So now, let's go to work. Right, shoot. Paper in every stall?
18:38Check. Evacuation points cleaned? Check. Even under the rim? Even under the rim. Mirrors
18:43polished till you can see your face in them? Good work. I have to close off this urinal
18:49here momentarily for cleaning purposes, and as you know, in this business, when that happens,
18:53the weak go to the war. If you stop them, no problem. Good morning, sir. Is this your
19:06first visit to our facility? In which case, you will be pleased to know that the full
19:12relief service cubicles are situated to your right. The quick service stalls are this way,
19:17sir. Thank you for your custom, sir. Dammit, Peter, we're still not attracting the right
19:35kind of clients. I know, John. A lot of more desirable punters are going next door. Then
19:41why in hell's name aren't they coming here? Because they're women, John. Damn it all,
19:46Peter. I want you to go there and find out who's running next door's operation. I already
19:50know who's running next door's operation, John. It was quite a surprise, I can tell
19:54you. No. No. No, Peter, I don't want to hear this. Yep, you guessed it. It's Marjorie,
20:02all right. Good evening, I am Robert Robinson. And my name is Robert Robinson. Ah, we are
20:13the Robert Robinsons. This is our hour. That much is certain. Though Tish are nay hush
20:21and for, Mrs. Robinson. And an extra point for being so clever. Would that it were, would
20:27that it were. Ah, indeed, would that it were, Mr. Charteris, would that it were. I have
20:40a letter from a Mr. Colin Elgood of Carshalton Beaches who tells me that he always turns
20:45his carrier bags inside out so as not to give free advertising to Mr. Sainsbury and men
20:52of his ilk. Nay, men of his stamp. Men of his ilk, stamp and kidney. Ah, your answer
20:58is better, Mr. Meredith, so much better, but wrong. Sadly wrong. And an extra mark for
21:04being so clever. Ah, someone has plumped, someone has plumped. Go on, Mr. Harris, have
21:11a plump too. But Tish and Tusk, it only now remains for me to declare that we family,
21:18winners of our little game. An extra point followed by this round of applause.
21:26But ah, ah, the pity, the pity of it. Time, our old enemy, comes round again. Ah, nish,
21:34tussock, flip and frumpence. We bid you goodbye. We bid you farewell. But ah, hish, bish,
21:41starp and trivock. Not for long, not for long. Goodbye. You know what makes me really mad?
21:53It's this belief that I'm John the Baptist. Well, the thing, Christ have left the iron
22:00on. Hello, Control. Hello, Tony. I'll be with you in a minute. I say, Control, that's
22:17rather a splendid device. Where did you get that, if you don't mind my prying into your
22:21affairs? I don't mind at all, Tony. After all, you're only human. That's right, Control,
22:27I am. It's my birthday today, and this was a present from my sister, Marie. I didn't
22:34know you had a sister called Marie, Control. Well, Marie's actually a code name I've invented
22:40for her to prevent people from discovering her real name. Ah, well, that's cleared up
22:45that little confusion. Her real name is Maria. Ha, you are a wily old fox, Control. Anyway,
22:55this contraption is called a telescope. Telescope? Yes, though I ought to point out that that's
23:03also a code name. Say no more, Control. Harsh, harsh. Absolutely, though I don't think I'd
23:10be speaking out of school if I said that this device allows you to see quite clearly over
23:16quite a long distance. Here, have a go. Control, I don't know what to say. Don't mention it,
23:24Tony. Have a look at that man there next to the telephone kiosk. Gosh, Control, you weren't
23:31exaggerating when you said it allowed you to see things quite clearly over a long distance.
23:36That man could almost be in the room with us. That's a true thing to say, but here's
23:41where the telescope comes in, because, Tony, that man isn't in the room with us. Well,
23:48I thought he wasn't in the room with us, Control, but I must say it's nice to have it confirmed
23:52by you. He's actually on the other side of the street. Yes, Control, he's looking this
23:58way and, wait a minute, that man is looking at us with a telescope. Yes, it's my theory,
24:07Tony, that he's an enemy agent charged with the task of keeping us under surveillance.
24:14What a confounded cheat, Control. I've a good mind to fetch a policeman and have him moved
24:18on. Steady on, Tony, I've got a better plan. Valerie was kind enough to go outside and
24:24find out the number of the kiosk. Control, that man is going into the kiosk and he's
24:30lifted up the receiver. Hello? Enemy agent? It's Control here. Very well, thank you. Could
24:42you stop keeping us under surveillance, please? Thank you. Control, your plan is working.
24:50He's getting into a car and driving away. Another small but significant victory for
24:56our side. Congratulations, Control. Now, you run along and get a nice cup of coffee and
25:02we'll pretend this whole ugly incident never took place. I can go one better than that,
25:08Control. Oh? Happy birthday to Control, happy birthday to Control. Oh, get along with you.
25:18Aren't you going to open it, then? Oh. Ladies and gentlemen, some very exciting news. Yes,
25:26absolutely. We have, ladies and gentlemen, hit 1.6 on the bigometer.
25:31Wow. You remember we told you earlier about the large number of dogs that watch us here
25:40on A Bit Of Fry And Laurie? Yes, well, we're happy to say that Irene, a red setter who
25:45lives in Lytham, St Anne's, way down in Surrey, is it? Sussex? Lancashire? Devon? Somewhere
25:51like that, anyway. Now, Irene watches A Bit Of Fry And Laurie every week, but in the last
25:56half hour, she's had five puppies. And the consequent boost to our viewing figures has
26:01pushed us right up into the high ones. Yes. So we are now, then, ladies and gentlemen,
26:06officially big. Too big, I fear, to perform our own sketches anymore. That's right, yes.
26:11Our last sketch this evening is going to be performed for us by a pair of young South
26:15American actors. That's right, we're just going to sit here and enjoy a drink while
26:19the sketch is done for us by, well, servants, really. Servants, yes, yes. Oh, it's nice
26:24being big, isn't it? I love being big. Big, yes. Come on, off you go. Yep.
26:31Hello, Mr Dolly. Hello. What can I do for you on this lovely day?
26:39Well, you know, I lent you my lawn mower some time ago.
26:47Yes?
26:50Could I have it back, please? But I haven't wiped it yet.
26:57Oh, dear. How long will it take you to wipe it?
27:03Well, if I'm going to wipe it properly, about two weeks.
27:09Yours is very good, isn't it? Oh, it's marvellous. It's a godsend. I don't know what I'd do without it.
27:13No, I don't blame you. I don't blame you. Marvellous.
27:16Ooh, oh, wait a minute. This could be it. It's coming through.
27:19Manuel Fernandez, if you'd like to bow to the audience and then off you go.
27:23We won't need you anymore. Thank you.
27:30Now, ladies and gentlemen, the moment we've all been waiting for.
27:34Yes, ladies and gentlemen, we are now being joined live by satellite by Mr Marlon Brando.
27:38Yes! Oh, hello there. Good evening, Marlon. How are you doing, my man?
27:47A bit quiet, isn't he? No, no, Huw. Not quiet. Never quiet.
27:52Merely sullen, brooding and possessed of an intense, silent charisma.
27:56Quiet? Yes.
27:59Marlon, do you know who you're talking to here? Do you know who we are?
28:04He's still not moving his lips, is he?
28:07Well, when you're as big as Marlon, you don't have to move your lips. You get someone else to move them for you.
28:12We have people doing our... That's good.
28:14Marlon, it's the biggies talking. You know who we are?
28:18Good evening to you.
28:20Well, good evening to you, sir.
28:24Hey, you're little and large, right?
28:28Well... Yes, that's right. Yes, we are. Little and large. That's quite right.
28:32Can we go now?
28:34Oh, well. Well, goodbye, Marlon.
28:37And goodbye to you all, from a bit of little and large.
28:40Bye-bye.
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