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TVTranscript
00:00So when the bottle of cold liquid nitrogen hits the warm water it will
00:06expand and explode and just to spice things up a little bit we have, Pat,
00:151,000 ping-pong balls. Take it away, Pat. Go on, Pat.
00:23Off you go. Cover your ears, everybody.
00:38Hang on. Don't go. You'll miss the...
00:53When I think about the days, there is something always about it.
01:01When we said we'd never change, well, we never stopped to think about it.
01:08No, we're not the same.
01:23Good morning, everyone. Can I have your attention, please?
01:35I have a very important announcement to make. Keith! Quiet, please.
01:39I've long been aware that the pupils here at Greybridge have zero interest in education.
01:44No. Mr Barber, I'm talking. But it seems the teachers have even less.
01:48Yes, I'm talking about you lot. Deal with it. I don't think this is the time.
01:52This is the perfect time. So after a week's reflection, I have decided to hand in this letter of resignation.
01:58I'm sorry, but... And where is Mrs Kent? Late again, I imagine.
02:02She's dead. Completely dead? Yes. Did you not get my text?
02:10No, I didn't need to make any calls over halftime, so I didn't turn my phone on. How did she...?
02:15French A-level trip. Eaten a crepe. Nut allergy.
02:19Half-done cow didn't realise Nutella's got nuts in it.
02:22Tragically, she didn't know the French for anaphylactic shock.
02:25I've got it now. Linda, dead. When's the funeral? Yesterday.
02:32Wish I had a nut allergy. One fun-sized Snickers, I'd end it all.
02:37Don't say that. Life is precious. Mine isn't.
02:40You seen the graffiti those kids did about me this morning?
02:43Oh, Mrs Kent. What can you say about Mrs Kent other than she was Mrs Kent?
02:49Kenty. Kent face. Mrs K. Special K. The KKK.
02:56She didn't like being called that.
02:58The thing I'll always remember about Mrs Kent is...
03:01You going to hand that letter of resignation in?
03:04Oh, yes, yes, I'll do it now.
03:08Run!
03:12I love everything French. Not just the language, the history, the romance, the... bread.
03:19I say to myself, don't just teach these kids French. Let them be French.
03:24Dirty people. Dirty country.
03:27May I sit down? I'd rather you didn't. I've just had the chairs upholstered.
03:31Now, you've got a lot to live up to, Miss, er...
03:33Poston.
03:38Lavatory's next door, Mr Hubble.
03:40Oh. They've moved it.
03:47One of the pupils?
03:48What did you say?
03:49I said, is he one of the pupils?
03:52Clearly not. He's a teacher.
03:54I was just making a joke.
03:56Please don't do that again.
03:58Anything else you'd like to add?
04:00Well, I should tell you that my teaching methods are...
04:06How can I put it? Unconventional.
04:08Like what?
04:09I get the kids up playing vocab tennis.
04:11I serve up a French word and they return it to me with a translation.
04:15Let me serve one up for you.
04:19Oh, bloody!
04:21The whole thing's utterly excruciating.
04:24The kids absolutely love it.
04:26They're just humouring you.
04:27They're just humouring you, you mean.
04:29What do you mean by that?
04:30I don't know.
04:35Morning.
04:36Awful news about Linda.
04:38Yes, I was one of the first to know.
04:40Beautiful funeral.
04:41Didn't see you there.
04:43Yes, well, there was a separate service for family and very close friends,
04:47and I went to that.
04:48Obviously there was no administrative staff invited.
04:50Oh, you can't go in there.
04:51She's just in with a new French teacher.
04:53I'm sorry, this can't wait.
04:55I'm busy.
04:56I have a very important letter for you.
04:58Hello.
05:01Oh.
05:03Error.
05:04Mrs Kent's replacement.
05:06Not that anybody could replace her, but I'm replacing her.
05:10Mr, Mr...
05:13Mr Church.
05:15Keith Church.
05:17All the kids call me Churchy.
05:18No, they don't.
05:20What's in the letter?
05:21Oh, there's nothing.
05:22Sorry, was that your foot?
05:24It's all right, I've got another one.
05:25Oh, another one, she says.
05:26Very comical.
05:27I was the funny one in my last school.
05:29Looks like it'll be the same here.
05:31Give me the letter.
05:33Best I just read it to you.
05:36Dear Headmistress, just to say how much I'm enjoying my time at school
05:40and I hope for it to continue for many years to come.
05:43Also, it was lovely to meet the hilarious new French teacher, Susan.
05:46Sarah.
05:48And just to say she has very, very, very beautiful hair.
05:52Mm, get that a lot.
05:54Yours sincerely, Keith Church, Deputy Head of Science.
05:57And all that was in the letter, wasn't it?
05:59Yes, it was.
06:00There's no need for you to read it.
06:02It won't take up any more of your time.
06:04Au revoir.
06:06Vous parlez français?
06:08Bonjour.
06:10No, you don't, do you?
06:15And to avoid another Nutella fatality,
06:19I think we should all know that the French for anaphylactic shock is...
06:23Choc anaphylactique.
06:27Really?
06:28She should have guessed that.
06:30Would you like to introduce yourself to the school, say a few words?
06:38Hello.
06:40OK, um, make some noise if you think French is boring.
06:46All right, and let's have a really big shout-out from...
06:49Right, um, can I just do a little bit of vocab tennis?
06:52Sit down.
06:59So, pupils past and present
07:02are welcome at the commemorative service for Mrs Kent
07:05a week on Sunday.
07:07Mr Church.
07:14Toilets.
07:16Now, I spoke to you last term about graffiti
07:20and I'm sorry to say that an obscene picture
07:24has appeared on the walls of the boys' lavatories.
07:27This is completely unacceptable and must stop now.
07:30That is all.
07:32So, what's in the picture?
07:34Well, I'd rather not say.
07:36Well, if they don't know what's in the picture...
07:39The sheep is saying...
07:41Harder, Mr Barber.
07:43Oh.
07:52HE CHUCKLES
07:58MUSIC PLAYS
08:05Excuse me, do you know the way to the language block?
08:08Yes.
08:14Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart was born in 1756 in Salzburg, Austria.
08:19Boring!
08:21Sorry, guys, Mozart is totally yawnsville.
08:24The problem with classical music is it doesn't have a good beat to it.
08:28HE STUTTERS
08:31HE STUTTERS
08:33You don't get a beat like that in one of Mozart's...tracks.
08:37So this term, instead of learning about Mozart or Beethoven
08:41or one of the other ones,
08:44we're going to learn about these guys.
08:46Ricky, Andrew, Simon, Nick, Peanut,
08:49aka the Kaiser Chiefs.
08:52Hello.
08:54Lost teacher alert.
08:56Hi. Where is 4B?
08:58Don't you want to hang out with us and learn about the Kaiser Chiefs?
09:01I would love to, but if I don't get to my classroom soon, I predict a riot.
09:05What? That's one of their songs.
09:07Don't know that one. 4B's down the corridor on the right.
09:10Laters. Laters.
09:18I can't take any more.
09:20Look, I'm not giving you any more sick leave.
09:22Please. Take your hands off the furniture.
09:24For God's sake, help me, woman.
09:26I'm having a textbook nervous breakdown.
09:28Mr Barber, in order to get paid leave,
09:30it'll take a damn sight more than a bit of graffiti
09:33and 200 children chanting,
09:35Baa, Baa, Baa.
09:38Baa.
09:40Look, all I need is just the rest of the year off.
09:43Oh, grow a pair.
09:45Of course the children are going to pick on you.
09:47You're Welsh, you're bald, you're fat.
09:49They don't pick on me for being fat.
09:51Then they're missing a trick.
09:53Now, please leave me. I'm very busy.
09:56Look.
10:02Je m'appelle Mademoiselle Posteron.
10:05Why are you speaking foreign?
10:07Because this is French Giuseppe.
10:10So, what sort of things were you doing with Mrs Kent?
10:13She just let us go down to shops, Miss.
10:15Well, I've got something better than the shops.
10:18It's a game I invented.
10:21Les murmurs français. French whispers.
10:24It's a little bit different, so bear with me.
10:27Is it? Just a moment.
10:29It's like Chinese whispers, but...
10:31Yeah, we know. Ah, ah, ah.
10:33The difference is... Is it Chinese whispers in French?
10:36It is Chinese whispers in French. Well done.
10:40No.
10:42That would be...
10:44Ryan, eh, Callum, solid compas, boom.
10:58Oh.
11:00Mr Poston, please. Have my seat.
11:03So, do you, um, live in the local area, or...?
11:06Why don't you grab a free chair from over there?
11:09Good plan.
11:11Oh, anyway, I prefer eating standing up.
11:14It aids digestion.
11:16Oh, so the kids were going bananas for your teaching this morning.
11:21It was inspirational.
11:23Well, I always like to give the kids 110%.
11:26Me too, but 100% would be the maximum.
11:29Not for me.
11:31For everyone, you can only have 100% of something.
11:33Yes, I know, and that's what I give, plus an extra 10%.
11:36You can't, but let's not fall out over this.
11:39No, let's not, but just so you know, I do give 110%.
11:42Teachers like us who give the maximum percentage possible
11:46are sadly the minority here.
11:48The teaching standards at this school are at an all-time low.
11:51That's why he's resigning, thank God.
11:54Oh. Oh, are you leaving us?
11:56Oh, no, I'm not resigning.
11:58Typical drama teachers, over-dramatising everything.
12:01Bollocks with a cherry on top.
12:03He had a letter for the headmistress.
12:05Oh, is that what that was?
12:07What prompted the 360-degree turn?
12:10Well, I just... I just thought with your arrival
12:13there was a fresh energy at the school.
12:15Oh, well, thank you.
12:18It's a 180-degree turn, 360 would put you back where you started.
12:22Coffee?
12:25Oh, I don't know if they told you,
12:27but I'm one of the longest-serving teachers here at Greybridge.
12:31I've actually been rattling around these corridors for 15 years now.
12:35Really?
12:37Oh, I couldn't imagine working in one place for that long.
12:40How long were you at your last school?
12:4212 years.
12:44So, what does your husband say about you joining the school?
12:47He says,
12:49He says,
12:55Because I'm not married.
12:57Oh, interesting.
12:59Your boyfriend, then?
13:02He says,
13:07Because... Well, you get my drift.
13:10Are you married?
13:12Only to chemistry.
13:14Well, it's a good-sized star for him.
13:17Before you ask, no, I don't have a girlfriend.
13:19I'm just sort of dating at the moment.
13:21He's never dated anyone. I have.
13:23What have you dated, then? Well, it's a long list.
13:26Page 84.
13:28Go on, then. Name some.
13:30I think Miss Poston has some lessons to plan.
13:32Oh, no, it's all right. I've still got some coffee to drink.
13:34Plenty of time.
13:36Go on.
13:38Well, there's, er...
13:40Catherine, Anne, Jane,
13:43another Anne, Catherine,
13:46another Catherine.
13:48Those are the names of Henry VIII's wives.
13:50Lumbo.
13:52No, I think you'll find the spelling of some of the Catherines is different.
13:54He's a virgin. I am not.
13:56I've had plenty of sex.
13:58Well, the appropriate amount.
14:00I, er, haven't introduced myself.
14:02Trevor Gunn.
14:04Um, oh, hello.
14:06Now, don't tell me. Let me guess.
14:08I'm good at this sort of thing.
14:10You teach pottery.
14:12Oh!
14:14No.
14:16Teaches pottery. I get it.
14:18Well, I'm glad somebody does.
14:20Mr Gunn actually teaches games.
14:22Yes, I know. No, it's not call games.
14:24It's physical education.
14:26Actually, it's one of the hardest degrees to do.
14:28Imagine that. Three years learning to pump up a football.
14:30That was one module.
14:32So, do you live local?
14:34Don't feel you have to answer that.
14:36I'd love to have the other one night.
14:38Will have to be when his mother's gone to bed.
14:40Yeah, Big Whoop. I live at home with my mum.
14:42It's a dream. If I get married, I'll put her in a home, obviously.
14:44Wow.
14:46Bet you can't wait for that.
14:48That put him in his place.
14:50Well, I'm going to have to be off now,
14:52but I look forward to some more of this
14:54knockabout banter later.
14:56Oh, dear.
15:04I'm going to ruin that.
15:06Oh, dear.
15:08This Friday, Mum's got senior Zumba.
15:10Get her over. Chinese takeaway.
15:12Slip her a length.
15:14Miss Poston does not look like the sort of woman who eats takeaway.
15:16It's going to happen, mate. I've had every woman here.
15:18Oh, not this again.
15:20Every single one.
15:22The headmistress.
15:24No.
15:26Mrs Clebb.
15:30No, she's a leather.
15:32Pat.
15:34We're talking intercourse,
15:36so, um...
15:40No, she don't mean nothing.
15:42I just lost my phone,
15:44which is why I didn't answer.
15:46Yeah, well, I found it now.
15:48Manu,
15:50this is meant to be a detention.
15:52I'm on the phone.
15:54Look, babe, I'm going to come see you later, yeah?
15:56Hey, what time does this thing end?
15:58It's five o'clock.
16:00No, no, no. I need to go.
16:02I need to go.
16:04Look, babe, I'm going to come see you about half four.
16:06Manu, what were you put in detention for?
16:08Using my phone in school.
16:10Was that your girlfriend?
16:12One of them.
16:14You remind me of me at your age.
16:16I was quite the Jack the Lad.
16:18I'm just a bit out of practice.
16:20I'm just, uh,
16:22out of interest.
16:24How do you tell a lady that you like her?
16:26I just text her a picture on my knob.
16:28Yes, but if you don't have a phone
16:30that sends picture messages...
16:32Look, if you want to bang this new French T-shirt...
16:34Whoa, whoa, whoa! That is quite enough of that!
16:38But what were you going to say?
16:40Right, it's no biggie.
16:42Just get her in your car.
16:44Bitches love wheels.
16:46Well, that word is derogatory to women,
16:48but thank you.
16:50Look, I've got to go anyway.
16:52It's not five o'clock yet.
16:54Yeah, I know, but I've got to go.
16:56I'm going to let you off this time,
16:58but I want you to think about using your phone more responsibly...
17:00Shh, shh, shh!
17:04Sorry.
17:14Sorry, Pat.
17:16Didn't know you were still here.
17:18Must be getting changed.
17:20Could you just pass me my briefcase, please?
17:24Well, don't worry, I'll get it in the morning.
17:26Thanks for everything today. See you tomorrow.
17:38Whoever did this needs a ruddy good hiding.
17:40No, no, no.
17:42This is a cry for help.
17:44Punishment is not the answer.
17:46Have you any idea
17:48the percentage of prisoners who reoffend?
17:50No.
17:52Nor do I.
17:54I can't remember, but it was surprisingly high.
18:00Would you like a lift?
18:02It's French for bus.
18:04Is there anything you don't know about France?
18:06I just love it.
18:08Such a different way of life over there.
18:10Hmm.
18:12You must have spent a lot of time there.
18:14No, never been.
18:16You've never been to France?
18:18No.
18:20Sometimes I just think,
18:22leave everything behind,
18:24just jump on the ferry and go for the day.
18:26You're such a free spirit.
18:28I know!
18:48So, Janine,
18:50plans for tonight?
18:52Well, Frida fell out of a wheelchair last night,
18:54so we'll probably just cuddle up on the sofa
18:56and watch MasterChef.
18:58Blimey, the Internet's very misleading
19:00when it comes to lesbians.
19:02Yes. So my Friday night's
19:04looking pretty hectic.
19:06Hmm?
19:08Yes, since you ask, I'm giving the new French teacher
19:10a lift home tonight.
19:12That's happening tonight, so I'm busy tonight.
19:14That's happening tonight.
19:16Sorry, when's that happening again?
19:18And then what?
19:20Well, who knows?
19:22Listen, Churchy...
19:42Oh, that is good.
19:48I wish I'd bought me oils.
19:52Yeah, I'm fully trained.
19:54I did an Internet correspondence course
19:56in sports massage.
19:58Sarah!
20:00Oh, yes, I'll just be another minute.
20:02I don't think this is appropriate on school premises.
20:04There is nothing inappropriate
20:06about having a massage.
20:08Dear God!
20:14That'll go down eventually.
20:16Stick it in the fridge.
20:18I have found that hitting it with a spoon
20:20makes it go down as well.
20:22Listen, let's go.
20:24You'd better back off, sunshine.
20:26Or what?
20:28Or I'll...
20:30slip you a length.
20:32I'll remember that.
20:38Daphne, put the lager on the front seat.
20:40Oh!
20:42Mercy buckets!
20:44French.
21:02Everything all right?
21:04Yes, yes, it's fine, thank you.
21:06Oh, dear, oh, dear.
21:10Do you need a lift, babes?
21:12What are you doing that for?
21:14For your own protection.
21:16No, thank you. Everything's fine here, Trevor.
21:18Thank you.
21:20Well, it's not fine, is it?
21:22The battery's gone dead because he's left the radio on.
21:24Oh, what a shame.
21:26And I haven't got any jump leads.
21:30Well, have a great night, you two.
21:32I'll see you later.
21:34Well, have a great night,
21:36you two lovebirds.
21:40Maybe we could just ask him for a tow.
21:42No, no, no.
21:44Absolutely no way.
21:50I have to go.
21:52It's almost there.
21:56Why doesn't this door open?
21:58Only unlocks from the outside.
22:00You've locked me in, haven't you?
22:02Do you want my help or not?
22:04Yes, I just don't want you touching her, thank you.
22:06Let me out!
22:08We're nearly there.
22:10No, don't do that, it's dangerous.
22:12I'm getting out.
22:14No, no, no, don't, don't, don't.
22:16Let me help you, let me help you.
22:18I've got you, I've got you.
22:20I'll help you.
22:22Don't touch her.
22:24The two of you start acting like a pair of 12-year-olds.
22:26I'm getting the bus.
22:28And I will see the two of you on Monday morning
22:30Goodbye.
22:38My bag.
22:56Come on in.
23:00Thank you.
23:30A talent show? No, no, no, no, no.
23:32If you can find any talented pupils in this school, I'd be very surprised.
23:36My point is, I'm never going to come over to your house and take a bath.
23:40French is a poor man's Spanish!
23:44And Keith Lemon!
23:46Your oboe playing is at best pedestrian.
23:50Miss Poston, this ridiculous behaviour has gone on long enough.
23:54This is a fix.
24:00I love you.
24:02I love you.
24:04I love you.
24:06I love you.
24:08I love you.
24:10I love you.
24:12I love you.
24:14I love you.
24:16I love you.
24:18I love you.
24:20I love you.
24:22I love you.
24:24I love you.
24:26I love you.
24:28I love you.