Big School - S01 - E02
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TVTranscript
00:00Pat the bowl please. Watch very closely as the sodium reacts with the water.
00:30I can manage, thank you Pat.
01:00What are One Direction doing on that?
01:25Une Direction? It's a learning aid for my year 8.
01:28It's just all the hot and happening bands. Une Direction aren't hot and happening.
01:32Well, they might lack the integrity of Florence et l'Argent or La Femme Gaga, but they are
01:40certainly hot and happening. I'm pretty sure they don't even play their
01:43own instruments. Look, it is just a bit of fun to get the kids
01:46to learn French. It's not fun. They're killing music.
01:49You alright Trevor? Yeah, I'm just warming down from yesterday's
02:04charity run. Oh, who did you run for?
02:07Well, I don't know what the right word for it is these days, but the wheelchair ones.
02:11It was a mile. It's over 1.6k. I did the fun run too.
02:17You? Yep.
02:19Brilliant! I mean, I only lasted the first hundred
02:21yards and then my whole body went into spasm. Of course.
02:23So I got Alma to borrow one of their wheelchairs. I actually do a lot for charity. I mean, I
02:31love teaching, but I will probably be remembered more for my charity work.
02:36It'd be great to do something here. Well, good luck getting it past the head.
02:41In this school, she's not one for charity. No?
02:44No. My partner, Frida, needed a double hip replacement.
02:48God knows what I would do it. I want...
02:50Hold on. Everyone turn to page 62 in your textbooks.
02:55Mr. Hubbell? No talking.
02:58Sorry, excuse me. Can't this wait? I'm in the middle of a class.
03:02Yes, you're in the middle of my class. You're meant to be next door with 7B.
03:06Oh, yes, yes, yes. Yes, of course.
03:08Gymnastics. No, no, no.
03:09Remind me of your name again. Sarah. Sarah Poston.
03:13Sorry, you just haven't made much of an impression.
03:16Well, perhaps not on you, but certainly on the children, and that's what matters.
03:20I think they just assume you're one of the cleaners.
03:24Do you have a reason? Yes.
03:26Um, I am really into my charity work, and I'd just love to do something for charity here at Greybridge.
03:32Which charity? Children in Need.
03:33I hate that bloody bear. I'd gladly poke out its other eye.
03:38Understood. But it is on TV on Friday night, and the school isn't doing anything for it.
03:43All right. What do you want to do? And it better not be a play about talking fannies.
03:48At my last school, I did all sorts.
03:51Wore a onesie for the whole day. Big pink onesie. It was hilarious.
03:55Sounds it. And I'd just love to do something that random here.
03:59Just for fun, you know, but also raising much-needed cash for children with really tough lives,
04:04both here in the UK and in Northern Ireland.
04:07Like what? Non-uniform day.
04:10No. We had one in 2002, and all the girls came dressed as slots.
04:15OK. Well, what about a school disco?
04:17Discos equal unwanted pregnancies. Is that it?
04:20No. I've got another one.
04:22Quickly, please. Talent show.
04:24If you can find any talented pupils in this school, I'd be very surprised.
04:28Ah, but here's the twist. Are you ready for this?
04:32It's quite a curveball. It's a little bit maverick.
04:34You'll be thinking, where's she come up with this idea from? I thought...
04:37Is it the teachers doing the acts? Yes.
04:48Beautiful poster, Miss, uh, Postern.
04:51Oh, good one. I do try.
04:54You sure you don't mind me putting it up here on your patch?
04:56Oh, no, no, no, no. You go ahead.
04:59Yeah, I just had this nutty idea that it's the teachers who are the contestants
05:02and the kids who are the judges.
05:04Oh, that really is quite madcap.
05:07Where did you get all these zany ideas?
05:09...filings and he broke wind very violently.
05:14Was it the noise or the smell that was the problem?
05:17Oh, I hate to say it, but it was a bit of both.
05:21I fear we'll never recover those iron filings.
05:26Thank you, Mr Church, for bringing these matters to my attention.
05:30I must add them to the file.
05:32Thank you. Mr Church continuing to make wild accusations
05:40against senior members of staff.
05:51Just, uh, signing up for the talent show.
05:55Sarah and Keith, duet for voice.
05:59And Oboe.
06:01Yes, that's right. We're doing a duet.
06:03So if anyone else want to do an act with me, apologies, I'm taken.
06:12Good. So I hope other people will put their name up and get behind Sarah.
06:18I'll get behind her.
06:19Good.
06:20No, I mean I'll get behind her.
06:23That's what I'm asking you to do.
06:24No, I mean I'll get behind her and have sex with her. From behind.
06:29Yes, well, I think if you did, she'd find out about it.
06:31Gareth, what can I put you down for?
06:34Talk on living with nervous tension.
06:37Act. TBC.
06:39Thank you.
06:39Yeah, I'll put me down for a couple of comedy skits.
06:42I didn't know you did comedy.
06:43Oh, yeah.
06:44More like Jimmy Carr, but more, um...
06:51quick-witted.
06:55Right. Anybody else?
06:58Janine?
06:59Well, yes, you can put me down for performance poetry.
07:01That rings alarm bells.
07:02Nope. Frida, my partner, she's taken to writing poetry.
07:06So I'm going to do one on racism.
07:08For or against?
07:09Against, you moron.
07:11All right.
07:12Luke, want to have a song from the music teacher?
07:18No.
07:19What?
07:20Talent shows aren't for me. I'd never sell out like that.
07:23But this is for charity.
07:25Look, real musicians don't look for a shortcut.
07:27They get the gigs in.
07:28Gig, gig, gig.
07:32Gig.
07:32This is a gig.
07:33It's a talent show.
07:34Would the Stereophonics have made it through the X Factor auditions?
07:37Would the Verve have got to boot camp?
07:39I've absolutely no idea what you're talking about.
07:40Would Ocean Colour Scene have made it to the judges' houses?
07:43Not a clue, but it would really help, Sarah, if you put your name down.
07:46Yeah, but if I did, I'm not sure I could ever look myself in the eye again.
07:51I'll give it a rest, mate.
07:52Sorry, man. It's just not my bag.
07:54You'd never find me on the X Factor.
07:56Didn't you audition for The Voice?
07:58Completely different thing.
08:00PHONE RINGS
08:03N'oubliez pas vos devoirs, mademoiselle.
08:05I think it's finished.
08:06...to twist their arms a bit, because they're not quite as into charity as we are.
08:10Oh, it's going to be such a laugh.
08:12A hoot!
08:14That's not what it's about, though.
08:15No, that was the next thing I was going to say.
08:17It's not about having a hoot.
08:18No, it's about the children.
08:20In need.
08:21Desperate need.
08:23So do you want to choose a song for us?
08:25What's wrong with that?
08:25Well, how would the Olympics have worked?
08:27Or going for gold?
08:28I think you're missing the point.
08:30Imagine no possessions.
08:31Well, without my Tupperware container,
08:33this sliced apple would have gone brown in minutes.
08:35I think John Lennon had more important things on his mind than sliced apple.
08:40Well, all I'm suggesting is that we rewrite the song.
08:42Rewrite...
08:44John Lennon.
08:45One of the main ones from The Beatles.
08:47Yes.
08:48I mean, would you repaint the Sistine Chapel?
08:52Well, I'd tip X over the penises, yes.
08:54No.
08:55Imagine is one of the greatest songs ever written.
08:58Well, I think Mike and the mechanics would have something to say about that.
09:00OK, let's forget it.
09:01Because you clearly know nothing about music.
09:03Well, I think my great five oboe speaks for itself.
09:06Oh, your oboe playing is, at best, pedestrian.
09:26Ooh, what's this? Lover's Tiff?
09:27No, it's just musical differences.
09:30Thank you for putting your name down there.
09:32It's all right, babe, just wanted the support.
09:34Anyway, give me a chance to do me, er, my comedy impressions.
09:36Oh, I didn't know you did impressions.
09:38Oh, yeah.
09:39Who do you do?
09:40I do them all, all the famous people.
09:41Go on, name one.
09:42Er, Bruce Forsythe.
09:44No, don't do him.
09:46Homer Simpson.
09:47Don't do him.
09:48Debbie Beckham.
09:49Don't do him.
09:50Alan Jugger.
09:52Don't do him.
09:53Alan Jugger.
09:55Sean Connery.
09:56Don't do him.
09:58Alan Hanson.
09:59Don't do him.
10:00George Bush.
10:01Don't do him.
10:02Victor Meldrum.
10:03Er...
10:05No, don't do him.
10:06The meerkat one.
10:08Don't do him.
10:09OK, is it perhaps easier if you just tell me who you do do?
10:13I do Keith Lemon.
10:15Hiya, my name's Keith Lemon, Ollie Willoughby,
10:18massive bangers, bank tidy, shitting.
10:20Finished.
10:21LAUGHTER
10:23That's really good!
10:25I do impressions too.
10:27I didn't know that.
10:28Yes, see if you can guess who this is.
10:32Hello, I'm Miss Barron,
10:35headmistress at Greybridge School.
10:40Bye.
10:47Thanks for everything today, Pat.
10:51Can leave those test tubes until tomorrow.
10:56I want to work with you.
10:57Oh, hello, Mr Hubble.
10:58Lovely weather we've been having today.
11:00Going to the headmistress to make complaints about me?
11:03Well, it was more concern.
11:05I have been head of science at this school for 22 years.
11:09If you have a problem, you come directly to me or Mr Church.
11:16I am Mr Church.
11:18Yes, me or Mr Church.
11:20You may leave.
11:24Women teachers.
11:41Mr Barber, could you ask Mr Church to pass the water jug, please?
11:45Give us the jug.
11:46Mr Barber, will you ask Miss Poston
11:48if she wants the one with lemon in or the one without?
11:51Lemon.
11:52Lemon.
11:55Mr Barber, could you tell Mr Church that he's a total bellend?
11:59Mr Church, Mr Garden said...
12:00Yes, I heard.
12:02Mr Barber, could you ask Mr Church...
12:03No, would you ask him? He's only sat there.
12:05What's the matter with Perry?
12:06Mr Church thinks he can improve upon the lyrics of John Lennon.
12:11Could you imagine no countries, Mr Barber?
12:14Make my geography lessons a damn sight easier.
12:17See?
12:18Even a geography teacher.
12:20Someone whose job it is to think about countries all day long
12:23can imagine no countries.
12:26So I think I can speak for John Lennon when I say I'm right.
12:31Well, it hardly matters now, anyway, cos I'm doing something different.
12:34Yes, I've been working out the oboe part for Mike and the mechanics,
12:37the living years.
12:38That's a shame, because...
12:40I'd be delighted to.
12:42I don't think anybody looks at that notice board anyway.
12:45Chemistry is a very boring subject.
12:50You leave chemistry out of this.
12:53You have to clear your own tray.
12:58It's a poor man's Spanish!
13:09Ready for the show tomorrow?
13:12I'll help him with your acting.
13:15That's really kind of you.
13:17Come over to mine tonight.
13:18To your mum's house?
13:19Yeah, she's got aerobics on a Thursday.
13:21Come over, have a bite to eat, take a bath.
13:23Trevor, I'm not sure what sort of women you're used to.
13:26Snappers.
13:27Pay for a minicab home!
13:32No.
13:35Yesterday's behaviour in the dining room was completely unacceptable.
13:40I'm sorry, headmistress.
13:41Sorry, headmistress.
13:43Is it always bad for the school when two teachers are in a relationship?
13:46We're not in a relationship.
13:48Well, we sort of are.
13:50We're not.
13:52Just at the start of a relationship.
13:53No, we're not.
13:54We're not even on the cusp of the start of a potential relationship.
13:59No.
14:00We're at the pre-start stage.
14:02There is no pre-start stage,
14:04and if we were in a relationship, we would now be after the end of it.
14:07Enough!
14:08The thought of the two of you together makes me shudder.
14:11Please keep your relationship out of school time.
14:14Well, that will be very easy, because there isn't a relationship.
14:18I actually think it's a very good idea, headmistress,
14:20because Miss Poston has become quite clingy.
14:22Clingy? Me?
14:24I've become... You're the one who's become clingy.
14:26I'm not clingy.
14:27You can't just call me clingy because I called you clingy.
14:29You are clingy.
14:30Now she's being hysterical. Hysterical and clingy.
14:32I am not being hysterical!
14:34You are being hysterical!
14:36You're both being hysterical!
14:39Mr Church, leave us.
14:40Miss Poston, stay.
14:48News has reached this office that you do an impression of me.
14:52No.
14:54No.
14:55No.
14:56No.
14:57Well, yes.
14:58But it's quite a fond impression, so...
15:02I'd love to hear it.
15:04Oh.
15:05Oh, I don't think so.
15:06I don't...
15:07Just do it for me.
15:08Hello.
15:10I'm Miss Barron.
15:13Headmistress.
15:15Headmistress at Greybridge School.
15:21Please continue.
15:27I like to sit in my office all day.
15:33I like to sit in my office all day.
15:36And smoke.
15:42Promise I will never do it again.
15:44You may leave.
15:45Thank you.
15:46All right, that's enough of that.
15:48That's all for today.
15:50I'll see to it he doesn't wake up.
15:52If he does, I'll wave in his direction.
15:54Come with me.
15:55Get ready.
15:58See you later.
15:59Bye.
16:00Bye-bye.
16:13There you go.
16:15All right, that's not really in the spirit of it, is it?
16:19Judges, can we have your scores on the doors, please, for Mr Barber?
16:25Six points.
16:27That has actually put you in the lead, though,
16:29so a big round of applause for Mr Barber, please.
16:33Right, all right, all right, I think I've got that out of our system.
16:36Next up, we have some comedy jokes.
16:39Please welcome TV's Keith Lemons.
16:43CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
16:45Watch and learn.
16:53Hey!
16:55All right, I'm Keith Lemon!
16:57Bang tidy, bang tidy.
17:00Right, sorry I'm late, but I was stuck backstage,
17:03I was motting out Miss Clever Booby.
17:06No, I'm joking, of course I wasn't, I mean, she's a massive, massive lesbian con.
17:10Hey!
17:22Thank you.
17:24Well, thank goodness that's over.
17:26Can we have the scores for Mr Gunn, please?
17:30APPLAUSE
17:37Do you want to do the cross-country run in your pants?
17:45OK, 27 points for Mr Gunn, putting him at the top of the leaderboard.
17:50Well done, Mr Gunn!
17:54I can't do this.
17:59MUSIC PLAYS
18:13Living for today
18:18Ah-ah-ah
18:21Imagine there's no countries
18:25It isn't hard to do
18:32Living for today
18:37Ah-ah-ah
18:39You may say I'm a dreamer
18:45But I'm not the only one
18:49I hope someday you'll join us
18:56And the world will live as one
19:04APPLAUSE
19:18Thank you.
19:24Judges, the scores, please, for Miss Poston.
19:27Oh, and Mr Church.
19:30Churchy.
19:32Yes!
19:38Oh, no, no, no, this is a fix.
19:40In what universe is John Lennon better than Keith Lennon?
19:44Oh, thank you.
19:46Thank you very much.
19:48Oh, I'm...
19:50It's not about me getting a standing ovation,
19:53it is really all about the children in need,
19:55both here and in Northern Ireland,
19:57so please give generously on your way out.
20:01Three cheers for Miss Poston. Hip-hip!
20:08When I am down
20:11And, oh, my soul is so weary
20:15When troubles come
20:18And my heart burdened be
20:22He said he wasn't going to do it.
20:24Then I am still
20:26And wait here in the silence
20:31Until you come
20:34And sit a while with me
20:37This is against the rules, he could have said...
20:39You raise me up
20:42To more than I can bear
20:47I think it's over, thank God.
20:54You raise me up
20:57So I can stand on mountains
21:02You raise me up
21:05To walk on stormy seas
21:10I am strong
21:13When I am on your shoulders
21:17I want to dedicate this performance to my Nana.
21:20Nana, you were the only one who ever believed in me.
21:23You told me to follow my dreams.
21:31Wow. Amazing.
21:33Thank you, Nana.
21:35This is for you.
21:40Hi, Nana.
21:42I won.
21:44Who are you talking to?
21:46My Nana.
21:48She's alive?
21:50Yeah.
21:52Why did you look to the sky when you mentioned her?
21:54She lives up north.
21:56Your grandson is a shit.
21:59Your grandson is a shit.
22:15Check out Patrick Swayze.
22:19My scotch egg was despoiled.
22:21And I'd rather not say what was deposited in my sandwiches.
22:24When I think about the days
22:26There is something I'm amazed about it
22:32When you said we'd never change
22:34Well, we never stopped to think about it
22:39No, we're not the same
22:43Let's not break the chain
22:47We should play this game together
22:56We should play this game together
22:58We should play this game together
23:00We should play this game together
23:02We should play this game together
23:04We should play this game together
23:06We should play this game together
23:08We should play this game together
23:10We should play this game together
23:12We should play this game together
23:14We should play this game together
23:16We should play this game together
23:18We should play this game together
23:20We should play this game together
23:22We should play this game together