Big School - S01 - E05
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TVTranscript
00:00All right, all right, settle, settle down, please.
00:04Now, here we have luminol.
00:07Let go, Pat. Pat, let go.
00:10And here we have hydrogen peroxide.
00:14Two very dangerous liquids,
00:17but combined, something rather special happens.
00:21Oh, Mr Hubble.
00:23No, we're not the same
00:27Let's not break the chain
00:31We should play this game together
00:37Should I...?
00:56No, no, it's all right.
00:58I'm used to handling this sort of thing.
01:01Stop fighting! Oh, my God, stop fighting!
01:03That's really dangerous!
01:08Are you still saying to be fighting?
01:09I haven't finished yet.
01:12I said stop fighting! I said stop fighting!
01:19Best if you don't help them.
01:20I don't think anyone's seeing.
01:22Can we just pop to the staff room and have a coffee and a biscuit?
01:24Oh, there's no biscuits left.
01:26Oh, Turner says a spotty one wins.
01:31Shut it!
01:34You two.
01:35The barbarism is utterly objectionable.
01:39Okay, I'll put this in terms you understand.
01:42You starting a ting?
01:44Are you starting a ting?
01:45Because if you start a ting, Emma busts you up.
01:48This ain't no joke.
01:49I'm a cold-ass bitch.
01:51A thugged-up, gang-banging hustler.
01:53One more battle, you're heading for the dirt nap.
01:56Right back up your ass.
01:58You get me?
02:00Now get out of me house.
02:05Daphne, Wagwan with Ofsted.
02:08Oh, sorry.
02:09What's going on with Ofsted?
02:18There you go.
02:21Nothing.
02:22Fights were a daily occurrence at my law school.
02:24Well, sadly, here at Greybridge, they can be twice daily.
02:26That was a little disagreement compared to what I'm used to.
02:29Yeah, well, normally they are a lot worse than that.
02:31Well, I'm ready for it.
02:32Probably because I speak their language.
02:34It's no wonder these children fight.
02:36I mean, what chance do they have?
02:38Gang culture, violent video games,
02:41plus the internet is awash with pornography.
02:44Some of it utterly degrading.
02:46Oh, yeah.
02:47Yeah, normally you have to put your credit card details in
02:49for that particular type of grot.
02:51Trevor, this is not a joke.
02:52Some of this pornography can be very dangerous.
02:54No, tell me about it.
02:57The other night, the mum came home early from bingo.
02:59Nearly dropped me laptop in the bath.
03:01Don't worry.
03:03Her stair lift bought me an extra 45 seconds, trust me.
03:06That was plenty.
03:09I mean, how the man became a teacher, I'll never know.
03:12He claims he went to a university.
03:14But it was still a polytechnic when he went there.
03:20Why have you stopped?
03:21Thought you might like to sponsor me.
03:23Oh, an iron man.
03:26Wow.
03:27Very impressive.
03:28Well, maybe it is, maybe it isn't.
03:30Not really for me to say.
03:31But one of my friends said she was doing it,
03:33so I just thought, well, yeah, why not?
03:35How hard can it be?
03:36Really quite hard.
03:37That's why they call it an iron man.
03:39It's the toughest of all the metals.
03:41It's just a good opportunity to get fit.
03:44I think you need to be quite fit to start.
03:46It's only a bit of running.
03:48And cycling and swimming.
03:50And cycling and swimming.
03:52Is it?
03:53That's brave.
03:54I thought, why not?
03:55It's just a bit of running, cycling and swimming.
03:59I could train you up if you like.
04:01I'm actually all right, thank you.
04:03You sure?
04:04It's a tough event.
04:06It's getting on a bike in wet trunks I could knack.
04:11I thought that was a different day.
04:13No.
04:14No, all on the same day.
04:181.5km swim, 110km bike ride, and then a marathon.
04:24What, all in my wet bikini?
04:26Well, you'll dry off a bit during the run.
04:30I might need a little bit of help.
04:36Come along for free squash and biscuits
04:38any afternoon this week to the Drama Block
04:40for a meeting of my new anti-violence group.
04:45Stop pupils arguing, fighting, forever.
04:49SPAFF for short.
04:56You haven't always got on,
04:58but I really like what you're doing with SPAFF.
05:02This could be big.
05:03SPAFF could really fly.
05:05Yes, I want SPAFF on T-shirts, baseball caps, lunchboxes.
05:11This campaign's not just for kids, it can be for everyone.
05:14A lot of people would like to thump,
05:16but it'd be a lot better if we all just made friends.
05:19Yes.
05:20Sell all your stuff in a cardboard cell.
05:22I hardly think that's going to happen with Sarah.
05:25Whatever you do, don't turn around.
05:30You're a proper tease.
05:34Miss Poston is not a tease.
05:36Oh, yeah, she knows what she's doing.
05:38Cavorting there with a sex man.
05:41What's a sex man?
05:42A man who has sex.
05:44Regularly.
06:05Blade edge, remember?
06:06Oh.
06:07Why are you in your vest and pants?
06:09Forgot my kit today.
06:12Let's pick up the pace.
06:18Change!
06:19Well, I suppose you just build up to it, don't you?
06:21Half a mile, one mile, 26 miles.
06:27Right, you go and get yourself soaked off.
06:34I'll pop in to make sure you're showering properly, yeah?
06:37No, I'm joking.
06:38He's not joking.
06:39He's a sex man.
06:59Why are you in your pants?
07:01Oh, I needed to wash them as well.
07:03You see, if I keep them on, it saves time.
07:06My word.
07:10What's the matter?
07:11You've never seen a huge donger before?
07:13Well, in fact, it's huge, but it's definitely abnormal.
07:19Do you want to take a photo?
07:20It'll last longer.
07:21I need to speak to you about Sarah.
07:23Too late, mate.
07:24I'll be third base by Friday night.
07:26Then you're very much mistaken, because me and her
07:28are already at fourth base, and we're
07:30making inroads into fifth.
07:32There is no fifth.
07:34What's fifth?
07:35Oh, you're both men of the world,
07:37or anything to spell it out to you.
07:39But I'd appreciate it if you backed off, mate.
07:53Red plates here.
07:54You had it in you.
07:55Yes, well, I do have it in me.
07:58You're not going to take those pants off?
08:00Oh, no, they'll dry quicker on.
08:21Church's Sheck post them, pass it on.
08:24Church's Sheck post them, pass it on.
08:26Church's Sheck post them, tweet it.
08:31I want you to know I'm so bloody proud of you lot.
08:34I really bloody am.
08:37I'm sorry I keep bloody swearing, but that's the truth.
08:40You are star pupils, every single one of you.
08:44Just promise me one thing, right?
08:46You never, ever let anybody tell you
08:48that you are not winners.
08:50Not your teachers, not your parents,
08:52not your bitch of a wife.
08:53Because you are all winners.
08:55Winner, winner, winner, winner.
08:59When I was a kid, my teachers told me I was a loser.
09:02Do you know what they predicted I'd get for my A-level geography?
09:06An E.
09:08An E.
09:09I thought, no, it's not up to you what I get, it's up to me.
09:13I worked bloody hard.
09:15I stayed up all night revising, revising, revising,
09:19and I worked and I worked and I worked
09:22and do you know what grade I got in the end?
09:24Was it an A, sir?
09:25No.
09:26B?
09:27No.
09:28I got a C.
09:31Well, actually, it was a D,
09:33but my mam asked them to take into account.
09:36Enter that exam hall and you believe in yourselves.
09:41Because you are all winners.
09:43And I am looking at the geography teachers of tomorrow.
09:48Well, I ain't going to be a geography teacher, sir.
09:51Dare to dream.
09:53Dare to dream.
09:58Now, let's get out there and kick some geography arse!
10:12Just remember to read the questions.
10:16Good luck.
10:23You have exactly two hours.
10:27Turn over your papers.
10:32Now.
10:38Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh.
10:49You haven't taught us any of this.
10:53What?
10:59Oh, no.
11:01I've taught you the GCSE syllabus.
11:03What the hell are we going to do?
11:05Shh, shh, shh.
11:07You'll be fine.
11:09What's going on?
11:11Er, I think it's, er, fine.
11:14It's all, er, it's all fine.
11:16There's a pencil sharpener malfunction.
11:19It's, er, it's all under control.
11:22Keep the chatter to a minimum.
11:24Yes.
11:25Shh.
11:36Churchy.
11:38You know, there's no need for us both to be here.
11:40Why don't you nip off early and pop to the shops?
11:43I won't tell anyone.
11:45I think the examination board would take a dim view of that.
11:48Besides, I love inventilating.
11:51The silence, the tension,
11:53the pacing up and down the rows of worried faces
11:56is what teaching's all about.
12:18Come on.
12:41La.
12:42Guitar.
12:44Anyone like to take a guess?
12:46La.
12:47Guitar.
12:49It's the guitar.
12:51All right, let's have another one.
12:55Les bongos.
12:59Bon
13:00go.
13:03Bongo.
13:07Oh, come on, it's bongos.
13:10All right, one more.
13:13Le timbre.
13:15Le timbre.
13:16You've actually seen me play this one in assembly.
13:19I thought you played the church organ, miss.
13:21En français.
13:23I don't know any French.
13:25Do you kneel down at church, miss?
13:28What does that mean?
13:29Miss, have you had a tug on the church bell?
13:34Miss, miss.
13:35Yeah, it's Craig.
13:36Have you done sex with Mr Church?
13:39What?
13:40Right, look.
13:42Keith and I...
13:43Mr Church and I are work colleagues and friends.
13:46Where on earth has this come from?
13:48The church you told Garnie shagged you.
13:58What?
13:59Just do some private reading.
14:12Shit.
14:30Mr Church!
14:36Mr Church!
14:38That's better.
14:39How dare you make me look like some kind of skank?
14:42A what?
14:43A skank.
14:45A hoe.
14:46A what?
14:47A sex lady.
14:50I've absolutely no idea.
14:52And please keep your voice down.
14:54It's exam conditions.
14:55Oh, I think you know perfectly well.
14:57You told Trevor that we had had sex.
15:01And we have not had sex.
15:40Can I have some more paper, please, sir?
16:00Come to the house!
16:02All right, Gareth, you can piss off now.
16:04No, you're all right.
16:06I'll stay if you don't mind.
16:07I absolutely love this.
16:09All right.
16:10I'll be in the computer room.
16:12You're not going anywhere.
16:16Get off me, you big, fat gayer.
16:29What I told you about Sarah in the shower was in strict confidence.
16:33I only told you at night.
16:34You're a great big shitting shit.
16:37I'll poke you, you twat.
16:38I'll poke you as much as I like.
16:40And keep your voice down.
17:05I think we've proved here today,
17:07through friendship and squash,
17:09that violence has no place at Greybridge.
17:19Please stop spreading silly rumours about teachers.
17:22There really is no drama to speak of.
17:25They're fighting.
17:26Keith and Trevor, they're fighting.
17:28What?
17:29Sarah, they're fighting over you.
17:32I'm sorry, but I've got men fighting over me.
17:40It's him! It's him!
17:42It's him!
17:57Let me have it!
17:58I'll get it!
17:59I'll get it!
18:02What did you tell me you read?
18:05Well?
18:07I don't know.
18:11You're no better, Mr Gunn, spreading idle gossip.
18:14What have you got to say for yourself?
18:21Sorry.
18:22What? I didn't hear that.
18:28Sorry.
18:31And what about you, Mr Church? Are you sorry?
18:34Yes.
18:35Well, say it then.
18:38Properly.
18:39Sorry.
18:41Now say it to each other.
18:57Right, now get out of my sight.
19:02DOOR OPENS
19:09Hey.
19:10No Australians, are we?
19:14Oh.
19:15Nice to have you back, Mr Hubble.
19:19Bum-bunders!
19:32DOOR OPENS
19:44We're going to France!
19:45Why do you even want to go to Dieppe?
19:47Chez Poston.
19:48Well, you would always sleep in my room.
19:50No drinking, no smoking, and no holiday romances with dirty Frenchmen.
19:54Well, the children will, of course, be supervised at all times.
19:57I wasn't talking about the children.
20:01Come on, sonny.
20:03A little bit slower.
20:04Someone has helped themselves to me.
20:06Sexually.
20:07Oh, dear.
20:31We should play this baby together