Benidorm S01 E06 - Episode #1.6

  • last month
Transcript
00:00🎵
00:30🎵
00:36Where's Mick? He was here a minute ago.
00:38Oh, where do you think? He'll have his hands up the skirt of some mucky Spaniard.
00:42Oh, you watch. He'll come back, his pocket's empty, stinking of garlic.
00:45Oi, shut up. I won't find him.
00:47Oh, good morning.
00:48Morning.
00:49Hello.
00:50And congratulations, you'll be celebrating your win.
00:53Well, we were supposed to be going to the beach,
00:55but my daughter's husband's done a bunk with the money.
00:58Oh, no.
00:59Really?
01:00Yeah, it's a shame. You could have come with us.
01:03Oh, no, we never bring any spending money with us.
01:06That's the beauty of the all-inclusive holiday, you see.
01:09We've got everything we need right here.
01:11You wouldn't have needed any money.
01:13We won 100 euros.
01:15We were going to pay for everything.
01:17Oh, well, never mind.
01:19Oh, dear, did you see which way he went?
01:21Oh, here they are.
01:23I'll get my hat.
01:25Mother?
01:28MUSIC PLAYS
01:31Sup?
01:32Last day?
01:33Yeah.
01:35Don't they do anything special?
01:37Not really.
01:39One more day basking by the pool would do for me.
01:41I thought you might like to have a walk into Benidorm.
01:46Well, I would.
01:48But it tends to negate the whole ethos
01:50of staying somewhere all-inclusive.
01:53Do you know, I'm that proud of you, son.
01:56I don't know what half the words you use mean.
01:59Well, what can I say?
02:02Vowels, consonants, syllables.
02:06They're all just like colours on an artist's palette to me.
02:09I paint with integrity, from the heart.
02:13I know of no other way.
02:16I'm a wordsmith.
02:18It's what I do.
02:20It's what I do.
02:23We should have come for two weeks this year.
02:27Don't be stupid.
02:29You know, I've got a sign-off on Tuesday.
02:31Oh, yeah.
02:39Have we left the beach yet?
02:41Yeah, we passed it ages ago,
02:43but I thought we'd keep walking for the fun of it.
02:45Mum, we've passed the beach!
02:47Sorry, I'm telling you, Dad's just been stupid.
02:51Can we stop for a drink?
02:53Well, where's that bottle of water I bought?
02:55Oh, I'm sorry, I think I had the last of that.
02:57We're stopping here, in case you forgot,
02:59your daughter's six months pregnant.
03:01Oh, she's all right. It's like her camel's up,
03:03like she can go for days without water.
03:05I'm the one who needs a drink.
03:07I've got a gob like Gandhi's flip-flop.
03:09Well, go in here!
03:11You're even tight when it's not your own money.
03:13Is this all right for you?
03:15Perfect.
03:16Are you OK?
03:17Oh, yes.
03:18I'm just not used to being on my feet so much.
03:21Right, come on, get them in, Gabby.
03:24Hang on a minute, that's the joke shop.
03:26This is it, we're here.
03:28The beach is just through the alley round the corner.
03:31Brilliant! Come on.
03:32For God's sake.
03:46What did I tell you? Blackpool with sun!
03:49Hey-hey!
03:51Come on.
03:53See a spot over there?
03:55Just right.
04:07Nice bit of sun, that.
04:09Dad, please can I have a bucket and speed?
04:12Dad, please can I have a bucket and speed?
04:15They don't have buckets and spades in Spain, son,
04:18they just use their hands.
04:20OK.
04:21You tight bastard.
04:23Morning.
04:24It's just the five, is it?
04:26What, love?
04:27The five sunbeds.
04:29Yeah, why?
04:30Well, it's 25 euros.
04:32Are you taking the piss?
04:33Well, it's five euros for each sunbed.
04:35Five euro to use a sunbed?
04:37These should be free.
04:38Oh, I know, they did used to be free,
04:40but it's going back a good few years now.
04:42Right, come on, we've been to the beach, now we're off back.
04:45You're joking?
04:46I'm not going home yet, I'm knackered.
04:48Oh, I want to stay at the beach.
04:50Please, can we stay at the beach?
04:52Save the woman.
04:53Look, five euros apiece, they're free.
04:55I said pay her.
04:56God, unbelievable.
04:58Er, three, please.
05:00We don't actually have any money.
05:03Madge invited us as her guests.
05:06Bloody hell.
05:08Tell you what,
05:09just give us the 20, but don't tell anyone or I'll get shot.
05:12All right, cheers, nice one.
05:14You have a lovely day.
05:16Now, while you've got your wallet out,
05:18you can get yourself up to one of them shops,
05:20get another big bottle of water,
05:22and one, two, three, four, five, six, seven ice creams.
05:25Oh, we don't want to be any trouble.
05:27Five ice creams.
05:28Although if they're mint chocolate chip...
05:30Seven ice creams, and hurry up, it's hot.
05:32If they're double ones, we'll have coffee cream as well.
05:35No, they won't be.
05:36That's the last you'll see of him today.
05:38Shut it.
05:42So, last day of our holidays.
05:44Back to the grind tomorrow?
05:46I think you've done enough grinding while we've been here.
05:49I thought we'd agreed to forget that.
05:51No, Troy, we agreed to leave it, not forget it.
05:53Although if you can tell me how I can forget
05:55that my partner of 15 years shagged the barman on our first holiday
05:58in God knows when, I'd be fascinated to learn.
06:00It was a kiss. I was drunk. I don't even fancy him.
06:02What do you mean, you don't fancy him?
06:04He's gorgeous.
06:06Yeah, well, he's not bad-looking.
06:08But he's not exactly marrying material.
06:10What's that supposed to mean?
06:13It's supposed to mean...
06:15Will you marry me?
06:17What?
06:18Civil partnership.
06:20This weekend, when we get home.
06:22I arranged it before we came away.
06:25Believe it or not, Gavin,
06:27I want to spend the rest of my life with you.
06:30Gavin Ramsbottom,
06:32will you marry me?
06:37I've got nothing to wear.
06:40I'll take that as a yes.
06:59Here we go. Fill the ovens.
07:01Ice cream!
07:03Right, there's no arguing cos they're all the same.
07:05Where's mine?
07:07Oh, come on, they're going to melt.
07:10Mam, can I have some of that water?
07:12I should go first. I paid for the holiday.
07:14No, you should go last
07:16because you've got breath like a pit bull.
07:18Right, that's enough, thank you.
07:20Where else have you been?
07:22I haven't been anywhere else.
07:24My mam said she saw you disappearing up that alley.
07:26Oh, Christ alive.
07:28Does your head swivel round like that loss of exorcist?
07:30We've been on manoeuvres,
07:32you mark my words.
07:34I went to the joke shop to buy prezzies,
07:36if you must know.
07:38God knows we could do with a laugh on this holiday,
07:40with Crippin sat there watching our every move.
07:42We've got a friend in Leeds
07:44who runs a joke shop.
07:46He's got a wooden leg.
07:48The kids all call him Peg Leg Pete.
07:50But the thing is, his name's not Pete,
07:52it's Trevor.
07:54He takes it all in good humour, doesn't he?
07:56Oh, yeah, he's a smashing fella.
07:58He's got a niece in Bradford
08:00with a glass eye.
08:04Am I dreaming this?
08:06Five sunbeds, yes?
08:08Ah, we've paid already.
08:10So I see your tickets.
08:12What tickets? We paid the woman.
08:14He did pay, we saw him.
08:16It was the blonde lady that was here before.
08:18Well, my friend,
08:20I don't know who you gave your money to,
08:22but I am the only person
08:24who collects money for the sunbeds.
08:26We have paid, love.
08:28Did this woman give you a ticket?
08:30No.
08:32Does he have a badge like this?
08:34No.
08:36So, that's three euros each.
08:3815 euros, please.
08:4015? She charged us 20.
08:42Bye, Earl. Doesn't take much to pull the wool over your eyes, does it?
08:44I could tell she was on the fiddle.
08:46She'd never be that size
08:48if her job was walking up and down this beach all day.
08:50Right, that's it.
08:52You lot, up, up them sunbeds.
08:54We're going now, I've had enough of this.
08:56I want to stay at the beach!
08:58Get your T-shirts on, Michael. We're going. I'm sorry.
09:00Right, come on.
09:02Get your stuff together.
09:04We can't stay here, can we?
09:06Get your stuff together, come on.
09:08There's your wristband, and it's from D&T.
09:10Here you go.
09:16Whee!
09:18That were a waste
09:20of bloody time, the beach, weren't it?
09:22No, actually, Mother,
09:24I thought it was a nice walk out.
09:26And now I've got an ice-cold beer in one hand,
09:28a ciggy in the other, and the sun is shining.
09:30Please excuse me while I enjoy
09:32the last day of my holiday.
09:34I see somebody's enjoying
09:36himself a bit too much, as usual.
09:38Yay!
09:40Just like your father.
09:42He couldn't get enough of it, either.
09:44Dirty bastard he was.
09:4668 and exposing himself in the cold meat section
09:48of Marks and Spencer.
09:50I mean, once you can put down to an accident,
09:52but not three times in a week.
09:58Mother, do you mind?
10:00I've got a terrible wind.
10:02Really, I'd never have guessed.
10:04Right, come on, you.
10:06You're going in. No!
10:08Why not? Because you said
10:10there was a monster in the pool.
10:12I was only joking.
10:14Come on, you two, get in this pool. It's your last chance.
10:16I'm not getting in.
10:18There's a monster under the water.
10:20Don't be daft. The monster's over there
10:22in your wheelchair. Come here, give me your hand.
10:24Whee!
10:28Mother, what have you eaten?
10:30Nothing today.
10:32Saving myself for my dinner.
10:34Oh, have you finished flirting
10:36with your fancy woman?
10:38Oh, a bit of harmless flirting.
10:40Makes the world go round.
10:42I've seen you chatting to that greasy barman.
10:44Yeah, talking to him. He didn't start taking pictures
10:46of me.
10:50Bloody hell.
10:52I've picked the right time to go home, haven't we?
10:54Them drains are getting worse.
10:56Right, come on, you, get out of that. I need to take it back.
10:58It doesn't have to be back till tomorrow.
11:00I had it for the week.
11:02What's happened in the morning? Come on, let's have you.
11:06Right. We waited all week
11:08to have a go on this.
11:10Exterminate, exterminate,
11:12exterminate.
11:14We will destroy you.
11:16Doctor, we will destroy you.
11:18Exterminate.
11:20Well, it's been quite a week.
11:22You could say that.
11:24Hey, it's OK.
11:26It might sound strange, but
11:28in some ways, I'm glad you slept with the barman.
11:30What?
11:32Let's face it, we were just coasting along.
11:34It's been a ruddy kick up the backside for me.
11:36I don't understand.
11:38Last night, you punched him in the face.
11:40Yeah, well, that was last night. I've had one too many.
11:44I think we should just chill out, you know?
11:46Just chill out.
11:48For God's sake.
11:50Shit happens.
11:52Kate, don't look so worried.
11:54I said it's OK.
11:56Martin.
12:00My God!
12:18What is it? What's going on?
12:24Someone's done a shit in the pool.
12:26Oh, dear.
12:28Where's your father?
12:32Just splash it out of the way.
12:36It's getting closer.
12:38Swim underneath it.
12:40I'm not putting my head in this water.
12:44It's joke poo.
12:46I think I'm going to be sick.
12:48Can you hear me?
12:50I said it's not real.
12:52It's joke poo.
12:54It's my husband's idea of a joke.
12:56Just pick it up and throw it over here.
12:58Pick it up?
13:00It's not real. It's made of plastic.
13:02He got it today from the joke shop.
13:06Darling, it's made of plastic.
13:08Just pick it up and throw it over to me.
13:10What's going on?
13:12Oh, very funny.
13:14You think you're the comedian with your joke shop dog poo.
13:16Well, I'm not laughing.
13:18But I didn't buy dog poo from the joke shop.
13:20I bought farting powder.
13:24It's fine.
13:26Just pick it up and throw it onto the side.
13:38Oh, my God!
13:40Oh, my God!
13:52Guests are informed that the pool will be closed until further notice.
13:58I mean, how much damage can one turd do?
14:00They should give them kids pull-ups like yours.
14:04Hey, people in glass houses.
14:06Shame he can't have one last sip.
14:08Plastic.
14:10Still on their mind as always next year.
14:14Yeah, well,
14:16I've been wanting to talk to you about that.
14:20I don't think I should be going on holiday with my mother anymore.
14:24I'm 36.
14:26Oh, I see.
14:28I think it's time for me to move on.
14:30That's what he wants.
14:32Yeah.
14:34I think it's for the best.
14:36OK.
14:42I mean, I can look at groceries with you,
14:44but that's about it.
14:46All right.
14:50Yeah.
14:52Nice, clean break, I think.
14:54OK.
15:00I mean,
15:02where was you thinking of going?
15:06I don't know.
15:08I like it here.
15:18Oh, God, all right, then I'll come with you.
15:22Honestly, the things I have to do for a bit of peace and quiet.
15:26Well,
15:28I need the toilet.
15:30Told you.
15:32Pool's closed.
15:34Hey, hey, hey.
15:36Hey, hey, hey.
15:56I'll get you another brandy.
16:04I think it's Michael's fault.
16:06There's no sign saying what you can or can't do in the pool.
16:10Yeah, all right.
16:12Can we not talk about it right now?
16:14It's your fault.
16:16Why don't you give an eight-year-old boy farting powder?
16:18Excuse me.
16:20Ma'am, can we go back up to the apartment?
16:22It stinks in here.
16:24No, you can't.
16:26You can stay there when I can see you all.
16:28Oh, plenty more of this farting.
16:30You won't be able to see your hand in front of your face.
16:32Daniel, can you open that window, please, love?
16:34Right, first up tonight,
16:36singing Chaz and Dave,
16:38There's No Pleasing You,
16:40let's hear it for
16:42Mick Gravy.
16:44Come on, Mick.
16:46All right, go on, man.
16:48We'll let you be.
16:50It's Garvey, not Gravy.
16:54Thank you. Good evening, everybody.
16:56I'd like to sing this song
16:58for my beautiful wife, Janice.
17:00And how's he got his name down already?
17:02I wanted to sing something.
17:04You're not singing.
17:06Why not? I paid for the holiday.
17:08I'm entitled to sing one.
17:10Thought it was supposed to be all inclusive.
17:12All along,
17:14oh, darling,
17:18there ain't no pleasing you.
17:24Well, I built my life around you,
17:26did what I thought was right.
17:28You never cared about me now.
17:30I mean, I hate to ask,
17:32but I can send you the money when I get home
17:34if you just give me your address.
17:36I'm sorry, we just haven't got 50 euros.
17:38I've been in the hospital
17:40all day with my little boy.
17:42Did I mention he was ill?
17:44That's her.
17:46You what?
17:48That's her from the week she's got our money.
17:50Well, I've seen some bare-faced cheek
17:52in my life.
17:54I'm gonna knock her out, ma'am.
17:56Well, I'm sorry, love, that's all we've got.
17:58Oh, you're so kind.
18:02Uh, excuse me. Yes, ma'am.
18:04Do you remember me? No.
18:08Southern Dead Con on the beach.
18:10Shit coming!
18:1420 euros now.
18:16I've got 10. You're fine.
18:18That's ours.
18:20What are you doing? Get off me!
18:2230 euros, 20 that you owe us, and 10 for the inconvenience.
18:24You can't just do that!
18:26Really? I suppose I can't do this either.
18:28Oh!
18:46Did you get our money back?
18:48Of course, with interest.
18:50Now,
18:52can we all try and enjoy
18:54the rest of our holiday in peace?
19:22I had to see the world
19:26and you knew I'd do it
19:32Excuse me?
19:34Yes, love. Mrs Garvey?
19:36Hang on a minute.
19:38It's you from the pool, isn't it?
19:40You've got a fucking cheek,
19:42haven't you?
19:44You know that bloke up there?
19:46The one you were all over in the pool?
19:48Well, that's my husband,
19:50piss me off, lady!
19:52My name's Miss Mahie, and this is Mr Willis.
19:54We're from the Department of Health,
19:56Social Services and Public Safety.
19:58You what?
20:00We've been monitoring the movements of Mr Michael Garvey
20:02with regards to his ongoing
20:04claim for incapacity benefit.
20:06Are you taking the piss?
20:08As these photographs that we took earlier today
20:10will prove in court,
20:12there's nothing wrong with Mr Garvey's back.
20:16His claim for benefit will be terminated
20:18and he'll be prosecuted
20:20for a false claim lasting over two years.
20:22Fuck off. We're on holiday.
20:24Are you seriously telling me
20:26you've come all the way to Spain
20:28to spy on my husband?
20:30Believe me, love,
20:32the cost of two flights to Spain
20:34is nothing compared to the amount of money
20:36your husband has defrauded the government out of.
20:40I'll leave these copies with you.
20:42Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen.
20:44Enjoy the rest of your holiday.
20:46We'll see you next year.
20:48God bless. Good night.
20:56Nice one there, Mick.
21:02From everyone here at Neptune,
21:04it's adios!
21:06And don't forget to come back
21:08and see us next year.
21:10There was a one who whispered words
21:12to me son
21:14He's hidden behind his castanets
21:18He likes to whisper laughs that's close to me
21:22He knows that I'm a-stranding at the knee
21:26For this year I'm awfully sure he's playing
21:30El Viva España
21:34I say he's been betrothed with Robert Blayne
21:38El Viva España
21:44El Viva España
22:14El Viva España