Frasier Season 3 Episode 18 Chess Pains
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00:00Are your eyes closed? What is it? It's something my antique scout found for me.
00:08Voila! Paris 1882 designed by Jean-Francois Blanc for attending l'école des Beaux-Arts.
00:14Mon dieu! It's absolutely breathtaking. I'm breathless. I need to take a breath.
00:32Evening, Dr. Craig. Oh, hello, Daphne. Would you like to try a game, Miles?
00:41Well, I think not. It'll make me too melancholy. Oh, all right.
00:45Maris and I used to play chess every Thursday night. Oh, how she loved the game.
00:50No wonder. The king is stationary while the queen has all the power.
00:58How are you getting along, Dr. Crane? Oh, all right, I guess.
01:03Feeling a bit lonely, are we? Only sometimes when I'm by myself or other
01:08times when I'm with other people. May not be my place to suggest this, but
01:15perhaps all you need is a little company at the apartment, something warm and friendly
01:20to come home to. Oh, well, I'm sure Dad would miss you.
01:23Oh, Dr. Crane. Oh, me.
01:27I'm talking about a dog. They're wonderful companions. Well, just look how much Eddie's
01:38bought for your father's life. Oh, there's nothing like a dog's unconditional love.
01:45Seeing that smiling face greet you at the door. It's one of the most rewarding relationships
01:51a person can have. Again, if you're going to drink out of the
01:57toilet, you can at least learn to use it. Would you care to come with me? Maybe get
02:05the feel of the leash? Perhaps I will. You know, Daphne, maybe you're onto something
02:15with this dog business. I'm starting to feel less lonely already. Chop-chop, come with
02:28us. Oh, hi, Dad. Did you see my new dress set?
02:37Oh, yes. Nice. Nice? The inlay was made from the same travertine
02:41marble they used at Hadrian's Palace outside Tivoli.
02:45Really? Well, I'm going to celebrate with a beverage brewed from the crystal-clear waters
02:50of the majestic Colorado Rockies. Good one, Dad. Say, how about a game?
03:01No, I don't think so. Oh, come on, Dad. You know how to play, don't
03:05you? Well, Daphne showed me once, but really, checkers
03:08is more my sport. Oh, come on, checkers is a kid's game. Come
03:12on, Dad, I just got it. Please, nobody will play with me.
03:15All right, I'll give it another shot. Those guys at the park make it look great, eating
03:23bologna sandwiches, smoking cigars. Sometimes a fistfight even breaks out.
03:29Well, let's just start with name-calling and see where it goes.
03:40Your turn. Now, Dad, please, you don't have to rush. As a novice, you have the right to
03:48sit back, survey the board, take your time. I will not pressure you or hover like a vulture.
03:55Please feel free to ask any questions you might have.
03:58Is this a checkmate?
04:07Yes, it is. You mean I won?
04:13Well, yes. Hey, I won! How do you like that?
04:18Well, in all fairness, my mind was a bit distracted by having to monitor your side of the board,
04:24but touche. How about another game, Dad?
04:30No, I think one will do it for me, thanks. All right, fair enough.
04:35Boy, I really clobbered you, though, didn't I? I got almost all of your prawns.
04:42Pawns, Dad. I think the turning point is when I got that
04:48tire thingy. It's called a rook.
04:51But the real knockout blow was when I backed a little horsey guy into the corner.
04:55Can we call it a night, Dad? Okay, when I cornered your knight.
04:58No, I mean, can we call it a night?
05:10Hey, Frazier. Oh, hi, Rose.
05:14One double tall latte, a slice of pecan pie with extra whipped cream.
05:19Anything else? Perhaps a blood pressure cuff?
05:24Just a little nervous today, okay? Oh, really? Trouble on the dating front?
05:28I'm not that shallow, all right? It's about my hair.
05:36I've got an appointment this afternoon with Naj. Naj?
05:40He's the hottest hairstylist in Seattle. Naj?
05:46I think he's getting a little bored with me.
05:48When he cuts my hair, I can't ever think of anything to say.
05:52Well, how's this for an icebreaker? Say, Naj, where'd you get such a stupid name?
06:00You should see him with all of his other clients.
06:02They're all laughing, having a wonderful time. I walk in, sit down, it's death.
06:08Maybe there's something in here that'll hold his attention.
06:11Oh, wow, here's something. A lady in Italy gave birth to a 19-pound baby.
06:18Oh, my God.
06:20No kidding. She's not going to be hopping on her Vespa any time soon.
06:27That's how he did it.
06:29What are you talking about?
06:31My father beat me at chess last night, and I just realized now it was sheer dumb luck.
06:35He stumbled into the Panov-Botvinnik attack.
06:38Panov-Botvinnik attack?
06:40Frazier, I...
06:41Well, I can't tell you what a relief this is. My God, my whole world makes sense again.
06:47Frazier, you're forgetting about my problem with Naj.
06:50Yes, and it'd be a lot easier if you'd stop bringing it up.
07:04Hello, Naj.
07:05Hello, Frazier.
07:06To what do I owe this pleasure?
07:07Well, I took to heart Daphne's suggestion the other day about a need for companionship since my separation from Maris,
07:13so I went out and got a new lady in my life.
07:21I can't explain it. I'm not a dog person, but there's something about this particular breed I find comforting and familiar.
07:34It's mystifying, isn't it?
07:36It's embarrassing.
07:39I happened into my local pet shop, and I had no intention of buying anything.
07:43I was merely browsing, and they showed me some overly demonstrative puppies.
07:47Then I heard a haughty little sniff from a cage in the corner, and there she was.
07:53Sit, girl, sit.
07:55Okay.
07:56Sit.
08:01She's a bit high-strung, but she's terribly well-bred.
08:05When I tried to pet her, she'd have none of it at all.
08:11I'm surprised that she wasn't smacked up before you got there.
08:14Yes, well, you know, the man at the pet store said it's because people are reluctant to take responsibility for her nerve medicine.
08:21Not on the couch. Off, off.
08:23Okay.
08:27Hey, Niles.
08:29Hey, Dad.
08:31What the hell is that?
08:36It's my dog, my new best friend.
08:39Yes, Niles saw her in the pet store and had this inexplicable attraction.
08:43You can see her ribs.
08:45Hint number one.
08:48Daphne, I owe it all to you.
08:51Oh, really, Dr. Crane?
08:54I wouldn't want you going around telling people I was responsible for that.
09:00Well, I suppose we'll be toddling along.
09:03Yes, all right.
09:04Come, girl, come.
09:06Okay.
09:07I'm sorry.
09:13The city streets play havoc with her delicate little feet, so I have to go home and pomace her paw pads.
09:25Am I the only one?
09:27No.
09:30Does Dr. Crane have any idea?
09:33No.
09:38Oh, Dad, can I interest you in an ice-cold Ballantine?
09:44That sounds good.
09:45I might even join you myself.
09:47I've got some pork right here and some of that creamy Lipton onion soup dip.
09:52Oh, with the seven herbs and spices?
09:54Well, just count them.
09:58That's great.
10:00All my favorite stuff.
10:04You're putting me in a home, aren't you?
10:08Oh, don't be silly.
10:13But, you know, if I ever had to, don't you think it'd be nice if you knew how to play chess?
10:18Yes.
10:34Doctor, it's not considered a move until my fingers have completely cleared the piece.
10:39Well, what's taking so long?
10:41Look, I am analyzing my options.
10:43Unlike your winged approach, I like to plan the strategy.
10:47I'm a general leading his troops into battle.
10:56Checkmate, Schwarzkopf.
11:04Gosh, very well done.
11:06You're really getting a feel for the game there.
11:10And all this time I thought chess was hard.
11:15Well, see ya.
11:16Sit down, old man. You're not going anywhere.
11:24Mr. Crane, would you give me a hand with these dishes?
11:28I can't. I'm playing chess with Frasier.
11:31Here.
11:42Finally! My patience will be rewarded.
11:45The trap is set.
11:47I knew this moment would come.
11:50It comes every game.
11:55Checkmate.
11:57Well, that's it. Show's over, folks.
12:00Move along. Nothing more to see here.
12:02Get out, Dad.
12:03No, no. I'm not playing anymore. I'm tired and I'm going to bed.
12:07Okay.
12:09Yes, I guess I had my fill as well.
12:14Well, this has really turned out to be quite a good idea, hasn't it, this chess thing?
12:19Awfully relaxing.
12:21Oh, yes, yes. You just go on ahead.
12:24You just go on ahead. I've got something I've got to do.
12:46Hey, Frasier.
12:47Hi, Ross.
12:48I have great news.
12:50My appointment with Nodge could not have gone better.
12:54What is the reason behind this miraculous transformation?
12:57Well, it occurred to me that hairstylists love celebrity gossip.
13:01And I thought, hey, I know a celebrity.
13:04You!
13:07And what did you tell him about me?
13:10Well, he may have gotten the impression that you...
13:15Well, you're going to love this.
13:18You know, you may have been, in the past, a woman.
13:24You're not mad at me, are you?
13:29Mad? Why should I be mad?
13:32Knowing the sacred code of silence all hairdressers have sworn to.
13:38All right. I'll set Nodge straight.
13:42Well, if you could manage that, then you really would have a story.
13:50Well, hello.
13:51Niles?
13:52Uh, double cappuccino, please.
13:54Yes, same for me, please.
13:55Listen, Niles, I need to talk to you about death.
13:58Oh, yes. How is the Bobby Fisher of the geriatric section?
14:03Well, he's still beating me.
14:05I tell you, Niles, I just can't figure it out.
14:08I am the superior player.
14:11There's a saying, in every boy's life,
14:14the moment of greatest joy and greatest sorrow
14:17is when he defeats his father for the first time.
14:20If you're suggesting that I'm afraid to beat Dad,
14:23you can just stop right there.
14:25The other option is, he's better than you.
14:27You were saying?
14:30Thank you.
14:32Sooner or later, the son eclipses the father.
14:35It's the natural order.
14:36Yet, it's frequently a stumbling block
14:39because the son's competitive stirrings
14:41are accompanied by tremendous feelings of guilt.
14:45I see.
14:47Yes, it's the classic Oedipal conflict.
14:49My God.
14:50Don't it seem so obvious now?
14:52I've been letting him win.
14:54Niles, thank you. Thank you very much.
14:56I can't tell you what a relief this is.
14:58I feel like a weight has been lifted.
15:00Nothing can hold me back now.
15:02Tonight, I topple the king.
15:05Here.
15:07Of course, you realize by dethroning Dad,
15:09you're next in line to be dethroned by Frederick,
15:11and then the only thing left after that is death.
15:14But that's another day in another cup of coffee.
15:31Dad.
15:32Dad, wake up.
15:36Your turn.
15:37Oh, I'm sorry.
15:42Checkmate.
15:47Well, I'm going to bed.
15:49Oh, come on, Dad. Just one more game.
15:51No, no, no. I can't keep my eyes open.
16:06Ha, ha, ha.
16:37Playing chess again, were you?
16:43You know, when one of me brothers would lose a soccer match,
16:47he'd be all blue and in the dumps,
16:50but I could always get him to laugh.
16:53I'd make a little puppet like so.
16:57Hello.
16:58Hello.
16:59Hello.
17:00Hello.
17:01Hello.
17:02Hello.
17:03Hello.
17:04Hello.
17:05Hello, Daphne. What's shaking?
17:08Oh, hello, Freddy.
17:11My friend Dr Crane here forgot his happy pants.
17:16Oh, no.
17:17What should I do?
17:19Would you sing for him?
17:21I'd love to.
17:24Who's that grouchy goose I see?
17:27You can't be grouchy, not with me.
17:30Sing along, Doc.
17:33Who's that grouchy goose I see?
17:40Daphne, I would rather have a tarantula lay eggs in my ear
17:45than hear any more of this puppet show.
17:50Do we understand each other?
18:02Yes.
18:33Uh-oh.
18:34Uh-oh.
18:44Eddie.
18:45Speak.
18:47Speak, Eddie.
19:03Eddie.
19:23Fire! Fire, everybody!
19:26Raise your hands! Daphne, fire! Fire!
19:30What's going on?
19:31I don't see anything around here. It's not in my room either. It's okay. My fault. Paul's
19:38alarm. Just my little remiss in replacing the batteries. Everything's fine. The batteries?
19:50Smoke alarms don't go off. Back to bed. See you in the morning.
20:01Dad, you know, seeing as how we're both up, I thought maybe we should, oh, I don't know,
20:15do something, you know. Like what? Well, right off the top of my head, play a little chess?
20:24Now? Oh, sure. We're both wide awake. Oh, my God. You set that alarm off. Dad, I had
20:36no... What kind of weird competitive freak are you? I mean, you really hate to lose so
20:42much you wake up the whole house and scare us all to death? No, of course not. And I
20:47wouldn't have to resort to such lengths if this damn dog could learn to speak. Oh, of
20:51course, now you're getting it right. Look, Dad, would one more game kill you? I mean,
20:56you're all riled up. My God, you'll never get to sleep now anyway. Wait a minute. This
21:03isn't about losing, is it? This is about losing to me. That's what's driving you nuts. How
21:10could I lose to the old man? I'm much smarter than he is. I never said that. No, you didn't
21:14have to say it. You've thought it all your life. No, I haven't. Yes, you haven't. Now
21:17you're insulting my intelligence again. Oh, Dad. Hey, now listen, what do you think I
21:21was doing as a detective all those years? Analyzing clues, devising strategies, always
21:27staying one or two steps ahead of the other guys. Now, does that sound like any game that
21:31you know of? That explains why you can play the game, but not why you beat me every time.
21:37Oh, come on, just one more game. Please, Dad, look, I'll never bring you up again. No, I'm
21:42not. Come on. I don't know. Why should I? No, no. You just want to beat me so that you
21:48can go back to thinking that you're smarter than your stupid old man. Well, forget it.
21:52The hell with you. I don't see any reason why I should ever play you again. If you win,
21:59I'll give you $5,000. Get out of my way. Well, look at that. The board's all set up. What
22:11a surprise. I took the liberty. Now, Dad, I think we can sit down and play a nice, cordial
22:19little game. For centuries, people have set aside their differences to play a game of
22:25chess. So, who should go first? Well, let's see. It's usually the person who lost the
22:35last game. Now, who could that be? Okay. No more Mr. Cordial Guy. By the way, I'm sorry
22:50the ratings for your show took a dive last month. Don't try to pull your cheap psychological
23:02tricks on me. Oh, did I mention? The cemetery called. Apparently, they have to dig a sewer
23:24next to your plot. Getting your dog to stare at me only proves how desperate you are. I
23:44didn't tell him to do that. He just gets fascinated when he sees people sweat. I sweat when I'm
23:53happy. Well, then you must be ecstatic. No way. No, no. You took your finger off that
24:00board. Yes, you did. That means that you must not trust that move. You must have left yourself
24:07vulnerable somewhere. Well, even if I did, you'll never find it. And look at that. What's
24:30this? Could it be? Checkmate. I won. I won. I really won. Hey, I didn't gloat when I beat
24:47you almost. No, but I bet you wish you did now. It feels great. All right, that's it.
24:54I'm going to bed and I never want to hear the word chess or board or chessboard ever again. That's
25:03understood. Fine. Fine. Good night. Jeez. Lighten up. It's just a game. Dad. Dad. Oh,
25:28gee. Oh, please. Just just one question. Did you let me win? Oh, but crying out loud, Frazier.
25:38No, no, please, please. Did you play your best for 5000 bucks? What do you think? You wouldn't
25:46just be saying that. On your mother's grave, may lightning strike me down. I, Martin Crane,
25:55swear on the holiest of Bibles. You won. I lost fair and square. Cross my heart and hope to go to
26:03sleep. Thank you, Dad. You're welcome. I'm sorry I beat your dad. Hey, baby, I hear the
26:30blues are calling, tossed salads and scrambled eggs. Mercy. And maybe I seem a bit confused.
26:40Well, maybe. But I got you. But I don't know what to do with those tossed salads and scrambled
26:50eggs. They're calling again. Good night.