ALF - 078. Der Geburtshelfer
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😹
FunTranscript
00:30This is a way of speaking, not a sport.
00:34Here, this is how it's done.
00:36First you put the baby on the cradle.
00:39Then you fold the cradle over like this.
00:42Then you fasten it.
00:45Here.
00:47And here.
00:49And done.
00:51You see?
00:52Now you try it.
00:54But now it's full.
00:56Et guet!
01:26Et guet!
01:29Et guet!
01:32Et guet!
01:35Et guet!
01:38Et guet!
01:41Et guet!
01:44Et guet!
01:47Et guet!
01:50Et guet!
01:53Et guet!
01:56Et guet!
01:59Et guet!
02:02Et guet!
02:05And done.
02:07It's time.
02:10It's time.
02:14It's time.
02:17Hello, Alf.
02:24What are you looking at?
02:25I'm not looking at anything.
02:27I'm studying.
02:28And what are you studying?
02:29The birth method of Petri.
02:35But that's the Dick Van Dyke Show.
02:37Yes, exactly.
02:39That's what I'm talking about.
02:40Rob Petri was the perfect TV father.
02:43And that's how Richie developed into such a fine fellow.
02:46My daddy told me where the babies come from,
02:49but there was nothing about a Dick Van Dyke Show.
02:52Your father is a nice man,
02:54but sometimes I think he was powdered with a paper bag.
03:01I do this every day.
03:02I do this every day.
03:06Just one more week and then...
03:12Brian, I've told you a hundred times
03:14not to throw your baseball glove on the floor.
03:18Uh-oh.
03:19The strict mother.
03:21I'm sorry, Mommy.
03:22Did you sleep well?
03:23Apparently not good enough.
03:26Look, Alf.
03:27The body of a woman makes a lot of changes when she's pregnant.
03:30She can't always control her feelings.
03:33Oh, I'm sorry I'm so irritated sometimes.
03:38It's okay, Mommy.
03:40Daddy said, no matter how irritated you are,
03:42we should take it with humor.
03:45Tell your father to keep his humor to himself.
03:48Sure, Mommy.
03:49Just as you say.
03:51Hey, hey.
03:52Just because you're a little overloaded,
03:54you don't have to neglect all forms of communication.
03:57The worst thing Laura Petri has ever done
04:00was an occasional,
04:01Oh, Rob.
04:04Laura Petri?
04:06I take a remote lesson as a birth helper.
04:09A TV lesson?
04:11Through the Dick Van Dyke Show.
04:13I see.
04:15Alf, it's nice of you to want to help me,
04:18but in this special case,
04:19I think Willie is a little more qualified.
04:22Yeah? And where is he, huh?
04:23Answer me, huh?
04:24Where? Huh?
04:25Where? Huh?
04:26Where?
04:27I'm here.
04:29I hate it when he produces himself like that.
04:32Anything special?
04:34No, we're just discussing the Dick Van Dyke Show.
04:37Nothing special.
04:39I intend to help our beloved mother
04:42out of her blessed other circumstances.
04:45Traditionally, that's the father's role.
04:49Really?
04:50At the mail market,
04:51the father's role was to be ready to fire
04:53and to shout,
04:54Pull!
04:55Pull!
04:56Don't you mean press?
04:58Press?
04:59No.
05:00At the mail market,
05:01the mothers got their children
05:02when the fathers went to shoot the sound pigeons.
05:04Pull! Pull!
05:05Pull!
05:06Pull!
05:15Hey, Kate.
05:16Did you know that some doctors believe
05:18that women should give birth while standing?
05:24It's time. It's time.
05:26Get up!
05:28Relax, Alf. It's not time yet.
05:31Isn't it long enough that it has to be that long?
05:37Willie!
05:38Why are you wearing a sleeping suit?
05:41I'm going to bed now.
05:44But as Laura Ian Ritchie expected, Rob slept in his suit every night.
05:48A combination, a trouser, a sporty jacket and a very pretty tie.
05:52And he put his hat on the shelf above the bed.
05:54Only what he did with the shoes, I don't know anymore.
05:55Calm down.
05:56I know I talk a lot. I'm a little talker.
05:58I'll stop in a minute.
05:59I'll stop in a minute. I'll stop in a minute.
06:01But I completely forgot how to stop.
06:04Stop, stop, stop.
06:05Just take a deep breath.
06:06Inhale.
06:07Exhale.
06:08Yes, exactly. Inhale, exhale.
06:09Inhale.
06:10Exhale.
06:11I'm breathing, I'm breathing.
06:12But it doesn't help.
06:13I can't stop.
06:15What if I keep panting forever?
06:17Like at the Schlager Parade.
06:20You really have to move.
06:22You don't have to get the baby.
06:23You have good speech, my dear.
06:25You're a phlegmatist.
06:27I'm shaking like an ashtray.
06:29By the way, last time at the Dick Van Dyke Show...
06:32Alf, I'm telling you for the hundredth time.
06:34The Dick Van Dyke Show was a TV story.
06:36You exaggerated everything to make it look funny.
06:39And Laura Petri was a role.
06:41The show...
06:42The actress who played her wasn't even pregnant during the whole show.
06:46I almost thought so.
06:48She was never as colossal as our Mount Kate Everest.
06:51Yes, exactly.
06:53I'm sorry, my dear.
06:55First I'm attractive, now I'm fat.
06:57Really, Willy.
06:58I don't know why you married me at all.
07:01Could we...
07:02Could we talk about it later?
07:04Alf, I'd like to talk to my wife...
07:07The most attractive, the fattest?
07:10Hey!
07:11There are actresses who built their careers on it.
07:16I helped my attractive, slim wife through two pregnancies.
07:21And I'll help her through the third one.
07:23Without any help from the outside world.
07:26Is that clear?
07:28Good.
07:29I'll pack my bag and go hiking.
07:38Willy, did you pack my bag?
07:41No.
07:45No.
07:48No.
07:52No.
08:00You can only have it when the baby is baptized.
08:14Are you finally done with your little personal affairs?
08:17No, I'm still waiting for a reaction to my cakes.
08:20I'll take one and you can go.
08:22With pleasure.
08:23No, without pleasure.
08:24He's here.
08:25Hey, Rob, it's your wife.
08:26I think it's time.
08:27Give me the headphones.
08:28Be careful.
08:29Don't get excited.
08:30I'm sorry, I'll pay for everything.
08:32You'll pay for everything?
08:33Yes, I'll pay for everything.
08:34Then you can go.
08:35There's the headphones.
08:39That's my favorite part.
08:44I'm still waiting for a reaction to my cakes.
08:47I'll take one and you can go.
08:50Be careful.
08:51Don't get excited.
08:52I'm sorry, I'll pay for everything.
08:55You know, Alf, if you really want to take care of Mommy,
08:58you could help her with the housework.
09:00With such low standards, you're spoiling my talents.
09:03Because no one else takes our house-owned baby boom seriously,
09:06I'm the one who has to make the video version.
09:10Alf, the birth of a baby is a completely natural affair.
09:14Everyone will survive it perfectly.
09:16That's what they said about the airship Hindenburg, too.
09:19You know, like the other balloons.
09:26Oh God, my darling, stay calm, stay calm.
09:28Just don't panic.
09:29There's no reason to panic.
09:31Honey, I'm coming home.
09:32I'll be right there.
09:33Wait, wait.
09:34Are you waiting for me?
09:35No, better you don't wait for me.
09:36If you can go, then go.
09:37But if I can go, then wait for me.
09:38I want to be with you, honey.
09:39Okay, I love you.
09:40It's time, guys.
09:41Hey, Rob!
09:43Didn't you forget anything?
09:45Oh, yes.
09:46No, give me your pants.
09:52This is Alf.
09:53What's up?
09:54Alf, it's me, Kate.
09:56Oh, my God.
09:57Honey, stay calm, stay calm.
09:59Do you hear me?
10:00And call Willy.
10:01No, I'm calling Willy.
10:02Where is he?
10:03It doesn't matter.
10:04Willy!
10:05Alf, what's going on with you?
10:07At what distance do the veins come?
10:09Have you already made hot water?
10:11I can't help you like this.
10:12Calm down, finally.
10:14Would you please listen to me for a moment?
10:16Okay, okay.
10:17I have everything under control.
10:20So, now I'm okay.
10:22What are you screaming for?
10:23What?
10:24I'm helping your mother through the miracle of birth.
10:26Hopefully I don't have to give up.
10:27Explain to the listener.
10:28Mom, what is it?
10:29Is everything okay?
10:35I'll take care of it.
10:36Listen again.
10:37It's time.
10:38Call an ambulance.
10:40It's time to take the stew out of the freezer.
10:44Really, Alf.
10:48I ate all the stew.
10:50We need an ambulance anyway.
11:11Darling, it's time.
11:15Darling, it's time.
11:19It's time!
11:24A whole 19 seconds, Wilhelm.
11:26When you wake up, the baby has made his driver's license and goes to the hospital on his own.
11:32Alf, what do you want now?
11:35Vein alarm.
11:36That means vein test alarm.
11:39No, please don't.
11:40That can't be true.
11:43Alf, you have to stop it.
11:45The baby will come when it's ready for it.
11:47And when I'm ready for it.
11:48And if you really want to help me, then please...
11:51...be quiet.
11:53Be quiet, she says.
11:54You could think she's the one who's going to have the baby.
11:58I'm the one who's going to have the baby!
12:01Hey!
12:02Stay calm, Katie Rocket.
12:05This innate hostility is not good for the baby.
12:08Still better than his alarm exercises in the middle of the night.
12:12That's good, that's good.
12:13I'll sit over there and won't make a sound.
12:18Willi.
12:19Willi, you have to stop him.
12:22Tell him to go.
12:24Stop or go?
12:25You have to decide.
12:30Willi, I'm an exhausted pregnant woman.
12:34Willi.
12:35I know, I know, darling.
12:37You forgot the fat and the rich.
12:43Help me out of the bed, please.
12:45Yes, yes.
12:46That's good.
12:47I feel it when I'm not wanted.
12:52And if you're wanted, stay where you are.
12:54Stay there.
12:55Right there.
12:58Carry on like that, Katie.
12:59But then I'll see black for your birthday present.
13:04Wir lieben Kino.
13:05Tele 5.
13:06Der Spielfilmsender.
13:09Wir lieben Kino.
13:10Tele 5.
13:11Der Spielfilmsender.
13:19Willi.
13:20What did you do with this pancake?
13:23I put some muesli and chopped nuts in it.
13:27And a few raisins.
13:30Why?
13:32So you'll like it.
13:35If I should like it, I have to.
13:40Did someone see Alf this morning?
13:42Yes, at 3.12, 5.17 and 6.25.
13:46Like a night patrol?
13:48He wanted to make sure I wouldn't put the baby to sleep.
13:52I think it's sweet how worried Alf is about you.
13:54Good. I wish you the sweet creature for a while.
14:02Oh, good morning, tenors.
14:05Would someone be so kind as to pour me a cup of coffee?
14:11You look terrible, Alf.
14:13Yes, I think you're exaggerating.
14:17Did you sleep at all last night?
14:19Who could sleep like this at a time like this?
14:22I can.
14:23Me too.
14:24Me too.
14:25Why not?
14:26Why do I feel like I'm giving birth to this baby all by myself?
14:30As little as we like to be woken up by you in the middle of the night,
14:34we appreciate your concern.
14:36Isn't that right, Kate?
14:37No.
14:39No. Or is it?
14:41As I've told you on numerous occasions,
14:44we are able to deal with this birth
14:47without elevating this process with your day and night activities
14:50to the rank of a festival.
14:52I know, that was a pretty long sentence,
14:55but I hope it was still understandable.
15:01Alf?
15:03Alf!
15:04Oh, Abi, it's time, it's time, it's time!
15:14He catches him, turns around,
15:16he aims, he shoots
15:18and scores.
15:20A new record for Kareem,
15:22Alfdol,
15:23Jakbar.
15:24The spectators cheer and clap.
15:31What are you doing again?
15:33I've invented the juggling ball.
15:35How about a little game, one against one and a half?
15:39Not at three in the morning.
15:42Why are you up at this time?
15:45Is it now, is it now, is it?
15:48No, it's not.
15:49Your sports commentary didn't wake me up.
15:52I have to do something to stay awake.
15:54Otherwise I'd fall asleep.
15:57Sleep?
15:59I think that sounds good.
16:01Sleeping is wonderful.
16:03You, you let your head sink,
16:05the eyelids get heavy.
16:07Yes, Alf.
16:08Let yourself,
16:09just let yourself go into the land of dreams.
16:15Don't lead me into temptation.
16:17I have promised to help the new tenor to the world.
16:20And a mailman is a keeper of his word
16:22and only sometimes never keeps his promise.
16:25Alf, I promise you, we can do it alone.
16:27Finally go to sleep.
16:29Kate, I can understand
16:31that your mood swings like Benny Goodman's.
16:34But don't worry,
16:35I'll be by your side.
16:38I give up.
16:41But if you insist on staying awake,
16:43then please be at least quiet.
16:46No problemo.
16:47Maybe I'll invent the juggling tennis now.
16:50Where did you put the big net?
16:52No big net.
16:53Small net.
16:57Forget the net.
17:02Who needs a net?
17:03I invent juggling tennis.
17:08Yes.
17:09Oh, you want to advertise your new collection of sports shoes?
17:11Ha! A lump that falls out of the shoes.
17:13Ah!
17:14Write that down,
17:15that will be the slogan of your TV advertisement.
17:18No, no autographs.
17:19No, really not.
17:22No, no autographs.
17:28So.
17:29Very carefully.
17:30Very good.
17:31I'm fine.
17:34I'll drive the car in front of the front door
17:36and come out right away, okay?
17:38I'll come as soon as possible under these circumstances.
17:42Alf, wake up, it's time.
17:44Dad is taking mummy to the hospital.
17:49Alf, wake up.
17:50It's really time.
17:54Poor little cat.
17:56Oh, my little boy.
18:27I really have to be naked.
18:36Holy invasion of the clapper storks.
18:38How does that get in there?
18:41Willy!
18:43Oh, you're awake.
18:45Finally you woke up.
18:47Is everything okay?
18:48I'm fine.
18:49But this thing in the cradle looks like a B-A-B-Y to me.
18:55I know.
18:56Alf, may I introduce you?
18:59My son, Eric William Tanner.
19:03We've brought him home now.
19:07Did I miss anything?
19:08Could be.
19:09He tried to wake you up when we had to go to the hospital,
19:12but you slept like a log.
19:14You slept for days.
19:17Did I miss the pre-event?
19:20I'm afraid so.
19:21Yes.
19:23And Kate couldn't wait until I woke up again?
19:26I wouldn't recommend it.
19:29I just can't believe it.
19:32You really didn't need me.
19:36I think I'm a fool.
19:39It's true that we needed you, Alf.
19:43But if a woman really gets her baby,
19:46you're superfluous.
19:49Do you understand that?
19:51Yes, I think so.
19:55What are you thinking about, Willy?
19:58I was just thinking about the day when we got Lynn out of the hospital.
20:04And then Brian.
20:06And then this little guy.
20:10I've never seen you so happy.
20:12I've never seen anyone so happy.
20:14Of course I'm happy, Alf.
20:16We helped to bring a new life to the world.
20:19And I think it's the most beautiful and important thing we can do.
20:25I'll never be able to judge that.
20:28I'm sorry, I didn't think about it.
20:34You know, I never thought about having a baby.
20:39You know what it's like when you're only 220.
20:42You think your whole life is ahead of you.
20:46I can imagine.
20:48But now,
20:50when I think I'll never be able to be a father...
20:53You don't know that.
20:55Los Angeles is a lonely city when you're the only one with a dark skin.
21:01But you can't give up hope.
21:03If it's so important to you, you can never give up hope.
21:07And in the meantime, we need your help to raise Eric.
21:11Don't let him down.
21:12Because who else is supposed to teach him things like Booyah Baseball,
21:15and Pasta Polo,
21:17and other sports like throwing things far and high.
21:22Do you think about jumping from a hockey stick?
21:25No.
21:27Hi, Alf, you're finally awake.
21:29Yes, and I see you have a brother now.
21:32Yes, Mommy says it's time for his milk.
21:34Okay, tell him we'll be right there.
21:43He looks like you.
21:45Thank you.
21:47On the other hand, all white babies look like you.
21:54Say hello, Eric.
21:58Hello, Eric.
22:00Do you like my son?
22:03He smiled at me.
22:06Yes, he did.
22:13A few days later
22:17And then the Tenners decided I could stay.
22:20And here I am.
22:22It's not such a bad place to live.
22:25You just have to get used to Kate,
22:27but I'm sure you've already noticed.
22:31So, Willy said I should teach you a few things.
22:35And I think we should start with the most important thing.
22:39Look here.
22:41These are the channel selection buttons.
22:44And this down here is the button for the volume.
22:48And with that,
22:50the whole world is available to you with one finger.
22:56Well, that's life, isn't it, Eric?
23:00What am I saying? How can you know that?
23:02You're brand new.
23:04So believe me, that's life.
23:08Now let me tell you a little bit about this show.
23:11Look at the big guy with the glasses.
23:14He looks like Willy.
23:16The only difference is that he's even more short-sighted.
23:20See, what did I tell you?
23:25New Spritches. Get them all now.
23:38Spritches. Get them all now.