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00:00Don't switch off, stay tuned, because now comes the funniest alien of all time, Alf.
00:17Ah, nothing beats the smell of a new car.
00:25Yes.
00:26What is that?
00:30My new racer. It will make a nice impression on the chicks.
00:35On you too.
00:37No.
00:38I asked the chick and not the mother hen.
00:43What is that thing?
00:45This is not a thing, but an Alf Romeo.
00:49Who built it?
00:51Ah, from a pile of useless junk.
00:54I took the brakes from your bike, the engine from Willy's lawnmower,
00:58and the covers are the remains of Kate's wedding dress.
01:02Alf!
01:04Do you want to wear it again?
01:07Get this junk out of the living room.
01:10Good, then remove the zebra stripe.
01:22Great, now I'll build a tow truck.
02:29Oh, hello Pete.
02:31Hello Willy.
02:33Another package for Alf Tenner.
02:36How much?
02:3829,95. This time it's cheaper.
02:41Here you are.
02:43See you soon.
02:45Yes, maybe this afternoon.
02:50Oh, my God.
02:53Maybe this afternoon.
02:58Um, Alf!
03:01I have a package and a warning for you.
03:05That's strange. It always comes in pairs.
03:09Great, it's arrived.
03:13Slowly, slowly, slowly.
03:16What is it this time?
03:18I'd like to know.
03:20Don't put all the styrofoam on the carpet.
03:23Excuse me.
03:28To be honest, it doesn't taste like anything.
03:31Look!
03:33That's a belly talk doll.
03:35Yes, I saw it on a little boy's TV.
03:38I can tell you, it was really funny.
03:45Come on, Dummy, talk to me.
03:51I'm in trouble. He's dumb.
04:00Come on, talk to me.
04:03Talk to me.
04:05Don't force me to get the rubber hose.
04:09It has to be broken, Willy.
04:12To save the 30 dollars.
04:14Alf, I won't raise my voice.
04:17I won't threaten you.
04:19I'm only asking you for the 928th time.
04:22Please don't do something like that again.
04:29I'll send Willy some flowers for reconciliation.
04:32Give me the phone.
04:34No, you just have to stop spending money on other people.
04:38Why? People love it when you spend their money.
04:42For us at Melmark, it meant as much as I like you.
04:47If you like him this way, you'll bring Daddy into the poorhouse.
04:52I notice that you don't say anything at all.
04:55Alf, you have to teach him how to talk.
04:59Hi, Alf. Nice to meet you.
05:02That's amazing. He talks just like you.
05:07But that was me.
05:09Look, you have to pull the little string.
05:11And he opens his mouth and says whatever you want.
05:14We had the same guy at Melmark.
05:16Our president.
05:18Then you try.
05:23Hi, Lynn.
05:24Tell me what kind of weird guy that is,
05:26who puts his hand behind my back.
05:29You can't move your lips when you talk.
05:33What lips?
05:35You have to speak with your mouth closed.
05:39Oh, good. No problemo.
05:43Hi, Lynn.
05:44Can you understand me if I talk to you like this?
05:50Hey, Kate.
05:51Can't you wait with the vacuum cleaner?
05:54We're in the middle of something important.
05:57I won't vacuum at all. You do it.
06:00Me?
06:01Yes, you.
06:03My mother always said,
06:05if you don't work, you shouldn't eat.
06:08The charming grandmother said the same thing.
06:11I'm surprised.
06:17You heard it. Put that thing aside.
06:20That's not a thing.
06:22That's my new friend.
06:25What should I call him?
06:27I don't know.
06:28Usually they have stupid names like
06:31Dumpfbagger or Blasnase.
06:34I think I'll call him
06:37Paul.
06:38Paul?
06:40That's not a funny name.
06:42It is on Maymark.
06:44I once called a boy Paul.
06:46And what do you think?
06:47He attacked me with a knife.
06:49And what you can't say is Paul's son.
06:53Now he knows.
06:55Even if I don't know why.
06:57Here, look.
06:58Here you can learn how to speak with your mouth closed.
07:01Repeat after me.
07:03A boy brings baklava.
07:06What kind of boy?
07:07I don't know.
07:08And where are the baklava?
07:10That's not important.
07:11Can I have some?
07:13It didn't happen.
07:14But why do you spread such rumors?
07:17It's enough. I do my homework somewhere else.
07:20And thank you for your help.
07:22You're welcome.
07:23Hey, Alf, let's play a computer game.
07:26No, not right now.
07:28Do you want to help me with my stomach?
07:31Sure, what comes first?
07:33First you have to turn on the vacuum cleaner.
07:35And free the carpet from the styrofoam flakes.
07:38Yeah, I'm not as stupid as I used to be.
07:43Hey!
07:44Why are you all running away?
07:48Strange.
07:49Isn't there anyone who wants to have some fun?
07:54I do.
07:57THE TENOR KITCHEN THEATRE
08:03Ta-da!
08:04Welcome to the Tenor Kitchen Theatre.
08:07Gordon Chambé and Paul are here to entertain you.
08:11Oh, Alf, what is it this time?
08:13We ask for silence and attention as long as the performance is going on.
08:17And now, our first laugher.
08:20Say, good evening, Paul.
08:22Good evening, Paul.
08:25Please don't.
08:26Oh, oh, our audience is tough.
08:30Just like your roast beef.
08:34See, Paul?
08:35It looks like they would be happy to see you.
08:38Just because we're so far away from them.
08:40And because we can't grab your food.
08:44Oh, we're laughing our heads off.
08:46Alf, why did you learn that so quickly?
08:49I absorb such things quickly.
08:52But not those little styrofoam things.
08:54They were right under the carpet.
08:59Oh, not that.
09:00Ouch, he bit me.
09:02Be glad I didn't tell you what you did with Willis Brandt's new...
09:05We have to say goodbye.
09:06We say goodbye with a quote from my dearly beloved grandfather.
09:10Tola no griboga no data.
09:13Is that Memerkang?
09:15No, that's Kauderwelsch.
09:17The man was a talking village idiot.
09:22Where's your applause?
09:24Out of the way.
09:25Very good, very good show.
09:27And it only cost 29.95.
09:30Da capo, da capo.
09:33Please don't, Alf. The food is getting cold.
09:35But you don't even know our show.
09:38Marmorstein and Aheisenbricht.
09:47Where is Paul's puppet show?
09:51When I last saw him, he was playing poker with Paul.
09:54You know, it was very strange.
09:56Paul was mumbling and Alf didn't seem to notice.
10:02Anyway, they're not here at the moment.
10:06I mean, you know what I mean.
10:10No, I don't know what you mean.
10:14Now I know what you mean.
10:17Oh, baby.
10:19Oh, Alf.
10:22Did we spoil your tour?
10:26Never hide under our bed again.
10:28Hey, that's no fun for us down there either.
10:32Well, this time we did. We fed some wolf mice.
10:36And what do you want here?
10:38Ask Paul. It was his idea.
10:42So, what do you want here?
10:44Very good, very good. I got it.
10:47The show must go on.
10:49No, you must go on. To bed.
10:52My first joker today is a parody of Alf.
10:55Of me?
10:57Yes, of you, you fur cap.
11:00Hey, Willem.
11:01From now on, you have one less mouth to feed.
11:04I ate the cat.
11:08Very funny.
11:10Good night.
11:12Good night.
11:13And the joker number two.
11:15One who was at Kate's dinner.
11:22Paul, this is the second time you complain about my food.
11:27For this conversation, I need a lumberjack.
11:30A lumberjack, what?
11:31Hey, Kate, be careful.
11:33Don't offend him at the root of his origin.
11:38Do you know what that means?
11:41You want to turn right.
11:43Get out of here.
11:45It's all your fault.
11:47How do you know that?
11:49You can throw your talent at them and they don't see it.
11:55Hey, baby.
11:57Come on.
12:13If you're looking for the roast beef, it ran out earlier.
12:24So, Alf.
12:26Do you want to stay awake all night?
12:29Alf is already sleeping.
12:31When he's awake, it's me.
12:43I'm going to sleep.
12:48Can't you do the packing a little faster?
12:50No, not with one hand.
12:53Why do we have to run away?
12:55Because this house is a prison.
12:57Sing Sing in the Wilderness District.
13:00Hey, Alf.
13:01What are you doing?
13:03We have decided to run away.
13:05Great.
13:06Put it in the newspaper.
13:08Why did you want to run away?
13:10It's none of your business.
13:14Daddy will tell you.
13:16Daddy!
13:18Hey, hey.
13:20Why are you hitting Brian like that?
13:22You can't do that.
13:23Ouch!
13:24Don't do that again.
13:25Shut up and keep packing.
13:29And if I don't want to run away?
13:32What are we going to do if someone sees me?
13:34Then I'll say you're my mole monster.
13:37Which is pretty close to the truth.
13:40I don't know why I should be friends with you.
13:43Why? Because I'm your old ego.
13:46You are my what?
13:48I tell you what you have to do.
13:50And now grab the radio over there.
13:52We're moving it.
13:54But we can't do that.
13:56That belongs to Willi.
13:57You won't hear anything here.
13:59And I think it's time for me to take this doll away from you.
14:02No! No!
14:03Trust me, stay where you are.
14:05Or you have a few splinters in your snout.
14:10Alf, Paul is just a toy.
14:13Don't you want to trade him for a normal doll?
14:17Let's trade you for Miss Piggy from the Muppet Show.
14:20At least she can cook well.
14:24That's enough, mister.
14:25You're going into the oven.
14:27No! No!
14:28You can't separate Paul from me.
14:30He would die.
14:33Alf, it's best if you and Paul go back inside.
14:36We'll leave you alone.
14:39Do you see how nice they are?
14:41Thank you.
14:42That's really very kind of you.
14:44Don't talk nonsense.
14:45I'll teach you how to smoke.
14:47But I don't want to smoke.
14:49You'll like it.
14:50Really?
14:51When I tell you.
14:53Willi, why?
14:55Why did you say that again?
14:57Don't worry.
14:58We'll get a psychiatrist.
15:00Yes, that would be good for you.
15:02But what will Alf do?
15:05But that's what I mean.
15:08I'll call Larry.
15:09He helped Alf last year.
15:11And he didn't even send us a bill.
15:14What doesn't cost anything, isn't worth anything.
15:25Hey, give me some nuts.
15:29I can't see any nuts anymore.
15:31But I can.
15:39You're really annoying.
15:42Good.
15:49Alf, your strange Paul is slowly waking up.
15:53Be glad you don't have to sleep with him.
16:02I'm getting goose bumps from him.
16:09Good night, you two.
16:14I think she likes me.
16:27He's a puppet dictator.
16:29You know, you don't hear much about the dangers of belly rubs.
16:35Larry, come in. Nice to see you.
16:37Hello, Willi. How are you? It's been a long time.
16:39Oh, Larry.
16:40I hope you're well.
16:42I have to make sure that this doll is as bad as you said.
16:46So, in reality, she's worse.
16:48Where is the patient?
16:50He's in the living room.
16:51He's watching TV.
16:52And he's eating peanuts.
17:01Larry!
17:02Nice to see you again. How are you, old boy?
17:06Great!
17:07Look who's here.
17:08I call it a miracle that you're here too.
17:13Who is that?
17:15Paul, that's Larry.
17:17A soul-trap.
17:19Then I'll tell him to shut up.
17:21If I have a screw loose, I'll tighten it myself.
17:27So...
17:29What's new?
17:30New? Definitely not your suit.
17:32When it was made, the sewing machine wasn't even invented yet.
17:38You're a funny guy.
17:40Wait.
17:41You'll be mad at me soon enough.
17:43Oh, and why should I be?
17:46Because you're a totally twisted wooden head.
17:50Twisted wooden head?
17:52You're very strange.
17:53I wonder why you can't get along with the tenors.
17:56Well, that's not my fault.
17:58I like the tenors.
18:00Save yourself a comment.
18:02What do you mean, against the tenors?
18:04Too many stupid rules.
18:06Don't eat the cat.
18:07Don't break plates.
18:09Don't eat the cat.
18:11Alf.
18:12Are you also against these rules?
18:15Yes.
18:16Especially against rule number one and three.
18:21I think I'm starting to understand.
18:23Just wait.
18:24You haven't heard all the rules yet.
18:26Don't throw food on the carpet.
18:28Don't eat from the floor.
18:30Don't bump into guests.
18:33I don't know these rules.
18:35Never.
18:39Still friends?
18:42What?
18:48Nice girl.
18:51I want some nuts.
18:54What do you think is going on with Alf?
18:56What's going on?
18:57This doll is the plague.
18:59In my opinion, it's better.
19:01Well, he kicked me.
19:04You should forbid him that.
19:06I think we have that.
19:08Don't we?
19:09So, Billy, please.
19:10Larry, what's going on with Alf?
19:12Well, I have a theory.
19:14Since Alf has lived here, he has to show his best behavior.
19:18That was his best behavior?
19:20That was his worst behavior.
19:22That was his worst behavior.
19:24What are you doing?
19:25It's Paul.
19:27He uses the doll to let off steam.
19:29But what can we do about it?
19:31You could give the doll to a doll.
19:33But then you'd have a really small guy with a really bad character.
19:38There must be another way.
19:41Well, I have another idea.
19:43It may be a bit drastic, but I think we should try it.
19:46What do you mean?
19:47I mean, everyone has to go over a rule from time to time.
19:50It brings a balance to the soul.
19:52I think you should let him eat the cat.
19:57What?
19:58No!
19:59Well, maybe it's enough if he has a few dollars with him.
20:02Something that brings back the old Alf.
20:04Isn't it enough if he throws popcorn on the floor?
20:06We'll do that.
20:07What about you, Billy?
20:08Don't you have an idea?
20:09No, no.
20:10Not a single one.
20:11Well, then come on.
20:12Okay.
20:14Let's go.
20:15Yes.
20:19Look who's coming.
20:20The Holy Three Kings.
20:25No, no, no, no.
20:26Just do the same as I do, okay?
20:28This one's for you.
20:29Okay.
20:34What's that?
20:35The good stuff.
20:37Yes.
20:38We'll smash it.
20:41I was wrong.
20:42It's just the Holy Three Comedians.
20:45Come on, Alf.
20:46Join the fun.
20:47No, don't do it.
20:48That's a trap.
20:49No, not at all.
20:51Here, throw some popcorn around.
20:53Yes, throw it around.
20:55Wherever you want.
20:56It's so nice to be real.
20:58I just have to join in.
21:08Hey, hey, hey.
21:09Now I'm having fun.
21:10Give me a few plates.
21:12You'll regret that.
21:14Don't listen to him.
21:15Come on, throw it.
21:17How many points will he give me
21:19if I hit Kate's mother's picture?
21:22One point.
21:23Billy.
21:29More plates.
21:30You're always laughing at me.
21:33We don't have any more plates.
21:35Destroy something else.
21:36What, for example?
21:37How about this small, disgusting half-portion?
21:41Get Kate's half-portion out of the game.
21:46That's what he meant by you.
21:48And he's right.
21:50You're small and disgusting.
21:52Yes, and you're mummy's mummy.
21:56Paul, you promised me you'd be my friend.
21:59It was a promise.
22:01Think about it, Alf.
22:03Do you really need a friend like Paul?
22:06He's right.
22:07I don't need you at all.
22:09Oh, really?
22:10Yes.
22:11Yes?
22:12Yes!
22:13And now say goodbye, you woodpecker.
22:15Goodbye, you woodpecker.
22:21You shouldn't have kicked the guest.
22:25How do you feel now, Alf?
22:27Great.
22:28I'm on a real destruction trip.
22:31He means, what do you feel about Paul?
22:35Oh, well.
22:37I think I'll miss him.
22:39But I'll get over it.
22:42I'll get over it.
22:45He'll be back.
22:47And this time I'll send you a bill.
22:52Alf, are you really okay?
22:55No, no.
22:57I lost a friend, but I got my left hand back.
23:02Alf, I'm really glad to hear that.
23:06If I remember correctly,
23:08we were just about to throw a plate at Grandma.
23:11Oh.
23:15Good morning, Alf.
23:16Good morning, Lynn.
23:19Good morning, Lynn.
23:23Never again.
23:25Man, no one can stand a joke.
23:28Billy and Kate almost fell out of bed.
23:30And Brian threw his skateboard at me.
23:33Well, we're all glad Paul's gone.
23:36He's gone, isn't he?
23:38Yes.
23:39Last night I gave him a traditional Melmac burial.
23:43I laid him to rest where I want to be one day.
23:48Where is he?
23:49In the freezer, next to the fish sticks.
23:58He's so cute.