When Blakey slips up on a chip on Stan's bus the company decrees that all staff should go on a First Aid course which they are obliged to pass. Stan has only twenty-four hours to swot up if he hopes to pass. Fortunately he has Arthur and Olive to help him out.
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00:30I'm starving. Where's the sausage rolls?
00:51Oh, blimey, I forgot those. Hang on, I'll pick them up.
00:56Here.
00:59Oh, blimey, they're a treat, mate. Look at that. Good job the engine was over-eating.
01:04Oh, mate, here, where's the chips?
01:07Oh, yeah. Hang on.
01:14Don't like that.
01:18Nah, want another couple of minutes, yeah?
01:22Hey, how long have we got to go? I mean, when were you out?
01:26Five minutes ago.
01:27Five minutes? Blimey, means we've got another ten minutes, yeah?
01:34Yeah, we'd better watch it now. Old Hitler's on the warpath today.
01:37Old Blakey?
01:38Yeah.
01:39He'll never come to the cemetery gates. The only time he'll come here, mate, is when they cut him in a box.
01:45Far too soon for me.
01:48You two must have driven me into an early grave, wouldn't you?
01:51Come on, when do you think you're on? You two lazy loafing lads in layabouts.
01:55Well, I was having a bit of crab at dinner.
01:57Dinner?
01:58Yeah.
01:59You're supposed to be due out five minutes ago.
02:00We couldn't, the chips weren't ready.
02:03I'll see you later.
02:05Come on.
02:10Let's have another go.
02:13Oh, look, there's my one.
02:15Chips?
02:16Get your own, mate, you're supposed to be running a service, what about the four of them in public?
02:20Let them get their own chips.
02:25Quick, come on, get that lot cleaned up, come on, jump to it.
02:29You checked the top deck, have you?
02:30Of course I have.
02:31I don't believe you, I'll check it myself.
02:34You two change the destination boards and get that lot cleaned up right away, come on.
02:38Hey, Flaky, lend us your pencil, will you? I want to fill in my weight bill.
02:43Yeah, it's your back today.
02:45Just right for stirring up tea, eh?
02:49I'll get me round.
02:50Come on, then.
02:55Give it a whine.
02:57I'll tell you when.
02:58Hey!
02:59Morning.
03:01Right, where are we?
03:02No, where is it?
03:03Right, no, back, back, back a bit.
03:05Hurry up.
03:06That'll do, we'll go there.
03:13This tea tastes funny.
03:14I'm not surprised.
03:16Before you stirred the tea with that pencil, he had it in his mouth.
03:21There might not be an antidote for it.
03:23You're sure he had this in his mouth?
03:25Of course I did.
03:26Look, you can see his teeth marks on the end of the pencil.
03:28No wonder they call him Dracula.
03:31Oh!
03:32Oh, God!
03:33What's happened to him?
03:34Oh, oh, oh!
03:38Hello, Blakey, what's up?
03:39What's that?
03:40He's slipped on the chips.
03:43Blimey, we can't eat him now.
03:46Hey, perhaps he's broken something.
03:47Yeah, yeah, look.
03:48He's slipped.
03:49Here you are.
03:51Here you are.
03:52Oh!
03:55He don't look too good to me.
03:56Never did.
03:58Get the first aid book, mate.
03:59Yeah, all right, yeah.
04:00What do you want?
04:01Oh, go home!
04:02Look up, fool!
04:03Look up, fool!
04:04I'll break his leg out.
04:05No, no, no, leave it!
04:07You've got to have it!
04:08Leave it!
04:09Argh!
04:11That's it.
04:12Right, now then, what's it say?
04:13Hey, up, fools.
04:14Untold damage can be done by moving an injured person.
04:17Don't attempt to change the position of the victim
04:19until the nature of the injury is known,
04:22otherwise...
04:24Otherwise what?
04:25Dunno, next page's been torn out.
04:28I'll see if I can find me any damage he's done there.
04:30It's me leg.
04:31Watch your leg, Blakey.
04:32Hang on a minute, mate.
04:33Does it hurt there?
04:34No.
04:35How about there?
04:36Oh!
04:37That's it, that's his knee.
04:38Watch it, watch it.
04:39Does it hurt there?
04:40Yeah, it hurts.
04:41Oh!
04:42I want a cold compress on it.
04:43Yeah, all right, stick that on.
04:44Have you got any cold water?
04:45Where the hell am I going to get cold water from?
04:47Oh, it's all right.
04:48My tea's stone cold.
04:49We'll use that.
04:50You can't put that all over me.
04:52Go away, I had a bit of a cold.
04:53It's canteen tea.
04:55Kills all known germs.
04:58How am I going to get it up his leg, then?
04:59Well, shove it up his trousers.
05:00Oh, yeah.
05:03Oh, oh, oh, oh.
05:04No, wait a minute.
05:05He's too tall.
05:06I can't get it up there.
05:07I've got an idea.
05:08Hang on.
05:09Hold your coat a minute, Blakey, will you?
05:11Oh, yeah.
05:13Go away!
05:14What's he doing?
05:15You can't get it in the perfect place, though.
05:16You can't get up there!
05:17I'm trying to get a cold compress on your knee.
05:19Now, look here.
05:20If I can't shove it down, and I can't shove it up, how am I going to get it on there?
05:24How do you feel about swallowing it?
05:26Ow!
05:27Oh!
05:29I'll tell you what I'll do.
05:31I'll roll his trousers leg up as far as I can get it, and then...
05:34Oh.
05:35Ooh.
05:36Ian, look at that.
05:37He's got a nasty gash on his leg, hasn't he?
05:39Get some plaster, Jack.
05:40Here you are.
05:41Hang on.
05:42Take that stuff off.
05:43I'll just get the bits off.
05:44Ow.
05:45I never could do that properly.
05:46Yeah.
05:47Just like Bren Jam, always goes the wrong side up, doesn't it?
05:49Yeah.
05:50Never mind.
05:51You can't use that now.
05:52It's not sterile.
05:53You're talking about this bus was scrubbed this morning.
05:55Right.
05:56Take it off.
05:57Take it off.
05:58Take it off.
05:59Hey.
06:00Take it off.
06:01I'll just put it on.
06:02Well, take it off again.
06:03All right, then.
06:04Ow!
06:09I hate you, Bucko.
06:11I hate you.
06:12I hate you.
06:14Get that cap and get me back to the demo, go on.
06:16Yeah, all right, then.
06:17Is there anything else we can do for you, Blackie?
06:19You should give me my pencil back.
06:21I'm putting almost everything down in my report about you two.
06:23Oh, blimey, he's getting better, hasn't he?
06:25Ow!
06:27You couldn't stick your leg out, could you?
06:29Help me make it look better.
06:31Come on, then.
06:32That's it.
06:33You weigh a ton, you do.
06:35Come on, then.
06:36Oh, I'll never make it.
06:37Hey, I'll tip it down.
06:38I'll tip it.
06:39I'll do for now.
06:40Here, I'll tell you what, Blackie.
06:41Have a fag.
06:42Take your mind off it.
06:43Here.
06:44All right, Sam.
06:45Tell you what.
06:46No, no, no, no.
06:47You do it properly.
06:48To start the bus, give two distinct rings on the bell.
06:50You stick to the regulations.
06:52Yeah, stick to the regulations.
06:53All right, I will.
06:54If you're going to smoke, you'll have to go upstairs.
06:58That's right, Al.
07:02Ow!
07:27Come on.
07:53There you go, Blackie.
07:54All right.
07:55All right, let me get out.
07:56That's it, Mac.
07:57Come on, study.
07:58Is she all right?
07:59Give us a hand, will you, Sam?
08:00Come on, Blackie.
08:01We'll get you out of the first aid room, mate.
08:04What's happened?
08:05Oh, he slipped on the chips.
08:06Oh, you poor thing.
08:07Yeah, I know.
08:08He's had his chips.
08:09Yeah, let me help.
08:10I've got my first aid bench.
08:11Oh, thank God.
08:12If something were to fill it.
08:13Sit down on the bench, love.
08:14You don't want my help?
08:15Go on.
08:18Let me see.
08:20Oh, how nasty.
08:23Oh, yeah, it's swollen.
08:25Let's massage it.
08:26See if it helps.
08:32God, Blimey.
08:33What a waste, eh?
08:34Yeah.
08:35How does that feel?
08:36It's...
08:37My knee hurts a little bit, and always.
08:41Better find out if it's swelling up.
08:43It is swelling up.
08:49Love you, mate.
08:50God bless you.
08:52Oh, Blimey, mate.
08:53I've taken her out sometimes.
08:54She's never done that to me.
08:55That's probably...
08:56Probably because you was trying to do it to her.
09:00Stand up, love.
09:01I'll support your leg to keep the weight off your ankle.
09:03Yeah, I'll give you a hand.
09:04No, you won't.
09:05You go on.
09:06No, leave it.
09:07If you put your hand in the wrong place,
09:08it could lead to trouble.
09:10I bet it's not the first time a bird's said that to you.
09:14Give a hand, Rosie.
09:19Oh, Blimey.
09:20Look at that.
09:21Isn't it marvellous, eh?
09:22And he's only got a strain.
09:24I'd strain myself for those two any day.
09:27Let's have a cup of tea, mate.
09:28Come on.
09:36I heard this noise, see?
09:38And he slipped on the chips.
09:41And he got his leg twisted right under him.
09:43I've never laughed at that
09:44since Harper the Rapper raptured himself.
09:47Well, it could have been very serious.
09:49It could have ruined him for life.
09:51It did.
09:55I'm afraid I don't find it very amusing.
09:57Why not, mate, Blimey?
09:58What was I supposed to do?
10:00It's elementary, mate.
10:01You keep the patient warm.
10:02You then look round to see if he's all right
10:04for treating for shock.
10:06Oh, come off it.
10:07All right.
10:08Supposing he had an head shock?
10:09If he saw you were treating him,
10:10he soon would have, wouldn't he?
10:12Not that you want a public servant driving a bus.
10:14It's up to you to know how to cope
10:16with sprains and fractures.
10:17Yes, and burns.
10:18Burns?
10:19Yes.
10:20What do I want to know about burns for?
10:22Well, it can happen very easily.
10:24Only yesterday I upset a saucepan full of sprouts.
10:27Blimey, we don't get saucepans of sprouts on a bus, do we?
10:30No, mate, but you do carry vast quantities
10:33of inflammable fuel.
10:34Yeah.
10:35Well, as it so happens, Mr Clever Bunch,
10:37I do know how to treat burns.
10:38Oh?
10:39Yeah.
10:40You put marge on them.
10:42What a lot of rot you two talk!
10:45No, Arthur, he's perfectly right.
10:47I always put marge on their burns
10:49when they was little.
10:50Here, do you remember the time
10:51Olive sat on the poker?
10:53Yeah.
10:55I massaged her little bottom with marge.
10:58Little bottom?
10:59That strains the imagination.
11:02Anyway, that marge took the burn right out.
11:05Oh, no, it didn't.
11:06I've still got a scar.
11:07I've never seen it.
11:09You've only been married nine years, haven't you?
11:12Well, as I got older, the skin stretched
11:14and it moved and it came round to my stomach.
11:16Must have made a very long journey.
11:19Arthur!
11:20I'll show it to you tonight, Arthur.
11:22You do that, love, and then I'll treat him for shock.
11:32So, anyway, old Hitler may never walk again,
11:34with a bit of luck.
11:35Oh, poor love.
11:36See you, doll.
11:37Ta-ra.
11:39Morning, Jack.
11:40Nice morning this morning?
11:41It's not, you know, look...
11:47Dracula walks again.
11:50They should have put more nails in his coffin.
11:53Get that bag out, come on.
11:55Blakey, how's the knee then?
11:57Doctor says I've strained a ligament in it.
12:00Yeah, well, it can easily do that, you know.
12:02When you've got your leg twisted under you like you had it.
12:04I didn't do it when I had it twisted under me.
12:06I did it when you straightened it out.
12:09Get out of my...
12:11I've got an official notice here from the office.
12:13Oh, yeah?
12:14It concerns you, too.
12:15Read it, Jack.
12:16What's it say?
12:17What's it say?
12:18It has come to the notice of the management
12:20that some busmen have not studied a first aid manual.
12:23All bus crews will therefore be tested on their first aid knowledge
12:26as and when notified.
12:28When will that be?
12:29We used to.
12:30Tomorrow morning.
12:33Who's going to test us then?
12:35I am.
12:39You?
12:40What do you know about the subject?
12:42I've been a victim, haven't I?
12:44That's what I know about it.
12:46And anyone who don't pass the test
12:48is going to be delegated to other filthy tasks,
12:50i.e. cleaning or maintenance.
12:53Oh, Blakey, look, I've got a date with a bird tonight.
12:56So?
12:57Well, I mean, I won't have time to study the first aid.
12:59Right.
13:00Right, so I ain't always practised that bit
13:02about stretching them out and loosening their clothing.
13:04Oh, go on.
13:05Now, what I meant, Blakey, listen,
13:07look, if I haven't got time to study the manual,
13:09do I get extra time?
13:10Oh, yes, yes, you can have all the time in the world, mate.
13:12Oh, good, yeah.
13:13Because if you're not ready to take the test tomorrow morning,
13:15you're going to be suspended.
13:21Upsets me to see him like that, Jack.
13:23It's all right, he's only strained his leg.
13:25That's what upsets me.
13:27He should have broken his flaming neck.
13:31Suspected fracture.
13:33Place casualty in comfort position
13:36with injured part well supported.
13:39Don't give the...
13:41Don't give the patient anything to eat or drink
13:43because they may be shortly be having an anaesthetic.
13:47If the patient...
13:49Oh, blimey, I'll never learn it on my own.
13:53Arthur!
13:55Arthur!
13:57Blimey, he goes to bed to die, this fella.
14:00What do you want?
14:01It's gone midnight.
14:04Arthur, I've got to learn me first aid bite tomorrow morning.
14:06I'll never do it, give us a hand, will you?
14:08Well, that is your fault, mate.
14:09You should have studied it earlier.
14:11I suppose you were out wasting your time on some bird.
14:13You are dead right.
14:15She was a complete loss.
14:17Well, I'm very sorry, but I'm going back to bed to get some shut-eye.
14:20Oh, Arthur, there you are.
14:22I've had me bath, are you coming to bed?
14:24Aye.
14:27Yeah.
14:28No.
14:30As a matter of fact, I was going to help Stan here with his first aid.
14:33How long are you going to be?
14:35About half an hour.
14:36But I've used that new soap and scented bath oil.
14:39I've had a glamour bath.
14:41Have you really?
14:43You didn't stay in long enough.
14:46That was all good.
14:48Look, it's made me skin all soft and smooth.
14:51Yeah, it's brought out the exotic radiance of your chill-blades, hasn't it?
14:55Right, let's get on with it then.
14:57Yeah.
14:58Now then, what do you get up to?
15:00Er, page two, er, the bit about fractures, yeah.
15:04Right.
15:05How do you make a sling?
15:07A sling?
15:08Yeah, it's a sling, they're bound to ask you that.
15:10Well, blimey, I ain't got nothing to make one with, have I?
15:12Well, you just have to improvise, won't you?
15:15Here, give us those tights.
15:18There we are.
15:19Oh, Arthur, it's not right, you're wearing my tights around your neck like that.
15:22Well, it's all right, love, as long as you're not in them.
15:26Come on, get on with it, get on with it.
15:28Here, here, this is a smashing idea of yours, Arthur.
15:31I mean, if we happen to have a casualty on the bus, you see,
15:33I nip up the nearest bird, whip my tights off and say it's an emergency.
15:39Do you mind stop drooling and get on with it?
15:41You're right.
15:42How's it then, love?
15:43It says here the ants should be pointed up at the shoulder.
15:46How's that?
15:47Will you stop messing about?
15:49I wasn't messing about!
15:50I won't help!
15:51Oh.
15:52Let's get on with the next thing.
15:54Hemorrhage and bleeding.
15:55Right.
15:56Right.
15:57You've got to act fast to save someone's life, what do you do?
16:00Er, er...
16:01Come on, come on.
16:02Come on, come on.
16:04Put a sticking blaster on it.
16:05Ha!
16:06A sticking blaster's not going to help my cut artery, is it, mate?
16:09You've got to put pressure on the pressure points, you've got to learn where they are.
16:12You want to practice on someone?
16:14But I ain't got nobody to practice on, have I?
16:16Right.
16:17Olive, lie on the bed.
16:19I said lie on the bed.
16:23Don't get excited, love, just practice being a patient.
16:27Right.
16:28Now then, tell me where you'd press to stop the blood gushing out her foot, say.
16:33Er...
16:34There?
16:35No.
16:37There?
16:38No.
16:39There?
16:40My good man, higher up.
16:45You're a rascal, you do it.
16:46No, I'm not a rascal.
16:48All right, I will show you.
16:50You press very firmly there.
16:52Oh, Arthur, sure that's the right place?
16:58All right, you show me now.
17:01If the blood's gushing out, you press firmly there.
17:04No, you don't.
17:06You press there.
17:07While you're pressing there, that's squirting out all over the place, doesn't it?
17:11It's off gush.
17:12Oh, Arthur, please, I feel all funny.
17:15Mate, I mean, you know how squeamish she is about things like that.
17:18All your talk about gushing here and gushing everywhere.
17:21Well, it does, mate.
17:23Look, the human body contains ten parts of blood.
17:26The way you're carrying on should be down to a last spoonful.
17:29Ben, will you stop it?
17:31Gushing here and gushing there.
17:32You can't lose all that amount of blood.
17:34It can't all come out.
17:35Oh, yes, it can.
17:37All right, what about the guillotine, then?
17:39Well, when they chopped a bloke's head off,
17:41blood came gushing up through a big hole in his neck.
17:43How many are there?
17:45It's like a great big pump.
17:47If it gave an extra pump, the executioner got another eyeful, I suppose.
17:51There's no need to be possessed about it.
17:53What's wrong with her?
17:56What's wrong with her? She's fainted.
17:58Well, you're doing first aid. What do you do?
18:00I ain't got up in that bit yet.
18:03Well, I can tell you what, mate.
18:04The first thing you don't do is panic.
18:06It is quite simple.
18:07You just put the head down in between the knees.
18:10What's that do?
18:11Let's the blood come back to the head.
18:13Blimey, you're off about the blood again.
18:15Will you turn it in?
18:17Yeah, I can't get it down.
18:18Why not?
18:19Her stomach's in the way.
18:21Well, if you can't get her head to her knees,
18:23let's get her knees to her head, then.
18:25Come out of it.
18:26How's that?
18:27Oh, don't be so stupid.
18:29You've got to get it down.
18:30It's the head that has to go down between the knees.
18:32It's the head that has to go down between the knees.
18:34Oh, she's got that.
18:36Right, right, right.
18:38There we are, sunshine, all over.
18:40Are you alright?
18:41See, that was the shock of the head,
18:42the blood coming back to the head that brought her round.
18:45Yeah, it's a shock of you kissing her that brought her round, mate.
18:48Right-o, sunshine, let's get you back to bed.
18:50Come on.
18:51Oh, blimey, I've gone all dizzy.
18:53Oh, blimey, she's fainted again.
18:55Well, pick her up and put her on the bed.
18:57You must be joking.
18:58She weighs half a tonne.
18:59Give us a hand.
19:00Pick her up and put her on the bed
19:01and I'll look up rupture for you.
19:06Dizzy spells, dizzy spells.
19:09Dizzy spells.
19:10Blimey, it says I'm on the turn.
19:18Yeah.
19:21Well, Blakey, we passed the test.
19:22I bet that pleased you.
19:23Oh, yeah.
19:24Set me right back, that did, yeah.
19:26Just as me leg was getting better and all.
19:29I tell you what,
19:30you were very lucky that it was Inspector Gardner who tested you,
19:33I'll tell you that much.
19:34Was I?
19:35I'd have fouled you for a certainty.
19:38I see you've got a nice new little box there.
19:40Yeah, yeah.
19:41You see, you keep that tiddly tidy this time.
19:42Yeah, tiddly tidy.
19:43Oh, this first date's a load of rubbish, really.
19:45I mean, with me driving,
19:46when did we ever have an accident?
19:47You tell me,
19:48when was the last time we had an accident?
19:50I see you had one yesterday.
19:52Eh?
19:53You came in on time.
19:57Get that bus out, come on.
19:58Oh, right.
19:59Well, don't you worry,
20:00from now on, Blakey,
20:01we can cure broken arms,
20:02broken legs,
20:03dislocated shoulders,
20:04crushed ribs,
20:05even a broken neck.
20:06Yeah.
20:07I'd like to see you do that, mate.
20:08Would you?
20:09Stand in front of that bus and I'll give you the lot.
20:15Yeah.
20:39What are you all the keeps ding-ding-dinging the bell for?
20:41Well, you did better at first date than me, didn't you?
20:43Yeah, but what's that got to do with it?
20:44Know anything about babies?
20:45Well, a little bit.
20:46What's wrong with it?
20:47I don't know.
20:48It's not born yet.
20:49Eh?
20:50There's a woman upstairs just about to have it.
20:54I'll run that to the hospital.
20:55No, no, no.
20:56There's no time for that, mate.
20:57I just sent that kid for the ambulance.
20:59You'd better get up there,
21:00see what he can do.
21:01Give her a hand.
21:02Me?
21:04You must be potty, mate.
21:07I can't even get a bit of grit out a person's eyes.
21:11Listen,
21:12it's not our responsibility.
21:13Oh, yes it is.
21:15She's paid her fair.
21:16Well, give her an ambulance and tell her to get off.
21:20Look, mate,
21:21she is about to have it
21:22upstairs any minute now.
21:24But she can't.
21:26Is anybody up there with her?
21:27Yeah, yeah, there's some dying with her.
21:29Thank God for that.
21:30Oh, here she is now.
21:31I think I can cope with this.
21:32I happen to be a nurse.
21:33Oh, good.
21:34Have you got a first aid kit?
21:35Oh, yeah, I'll get it for you.
21:36Quick, quick, quick, get it, get it, mate, get it.
21:37Let's have a look.
21:39Yeah, I think so.
21:40Yeah, a pair of tweezers.
21:41I have to deliver the woman's baby,
21:43not pluck her eyebrows.
21:49This is all your fault.
21:51My fault? Why?
21:52You went too fast down Green Lane,
21:54over that humpback bridge.
21:58My back was nut on the roof.
22:00God knows what's happened to the babies.
22:02I really do, actually.
22:03I have to have some help.
22:04One of you will have to come up.
22:05Yeah, well, my mate's very good at first aid.
22:06No, I'm just a driver.
22:07I'm only a driver.
22:08Driver? Good.
22:09You'll have a good firm grip.
22:10Come on.
22:15It's not fair.
22:16I mean, I've got one there.
22:17I mean, I'm not the father.
22:19Well, neither am I.
22:21Well, if that bird's a regular,
22:23there's a 50-50 chance you are.
22:27Mum's over there.
22:28Watch your assistance.
22:29Go on.
22:30I'll keep an eye out for the ambulance.
22:32It's not fair.
22:33I mean, I only just passed my first aid this morning.
22:36Driver, come along.
22:37Go on.
22:38You've got good, strong hands.
22:40How about feeling them round your throat, eh?
23:09There.
23:10How was it?
23:11You all right?
23:12It's the most marvellous experience I've ever had in my life.
23:15Oh.
23:38APPLAUSE