Arthur buys an old motor-bike and sidecar combination,which has seen better days,so Stan 'borrows' a tool-kit from the depot to get it working. Unfortunately,it breaks down again,the handle-bars fall off and Blakey hands them in to lost property. An exasperated Stan kicks the bike,finally seeing it on its way.
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TVTranscript
00:00On the buses, part one, production number 0277, take one.
00:30On the buses, part one, production number 0277, take one.
01:00Come on, Mum. Mum? God, bloody, where's everybody? Mum! Olive, where are you?
01:23We're out here, in the shed. What are you doing out in the shed? Come and have a look.
01:35Where's my tea? What's this then? That's mine. Yes, Arthur's just brought it home and it's wonderful.
01:43Who gave it to you? He bought it. Get out of here. Do you mean to say you paid money for this old crate?
01:54I intend using it to go to work. I can see you tearing down a road at about ten miles an hour.
02:01That would still be nine miles an hour faster than your buses, wouldn't it?
02:05I'm going to be fair, good idea having a sidecar.
02:09Yeah, well, I thought it'd be rather useful to be able to carry two passengers.
02:12Yeah, you'd need two people to push it.
02:15I thought it'd be pleasant to be able to take your modern on it for trips in the country.
02:19You must be off your rocker, the old girl can't travel in that.
02:22Why can't I? Your poor old Dad had one just like this.
02:26I often used to go for rides in it. He bought it in 1922.
02:31Did he? Yes. Well, the look of it could be the same one.
02:36There is no need to be insulting.
02:38Never mind, love. 1922 was a very good year for motorcycles.
02:42I only wish your poor old Dad could see me going in it now.
02:46Blimey, one ride in that and you'll be up there to tell him.
02:49Here, go and make some tea, love.
02:52Here, Ma, come and try the sidecar for a side. Come on, in you get.
02:56Oh, is it safe? Yeah, well, it is, providing you get out before he starts it up.
03:02Oh, come off it, you can't get in there.
03:05Look, when I was caught in your Dad, two of us got in one this size.
03:09Two? Yes.
03:11Well, we couldn't afford the back row of the pictures in them days.
03:15I remember him whopping once, oh, we had a lot of fun.
03:19Hey, look, Ma, you'll be safe enough. There's a good safety strap there.
03:23Oh, now, that's very necessary. Looks a good one, too, huh?
03:26Tested a ten-tonner braking streak, very strong one.
03:28Very good, yeah.
03:31Oh, yeah, well, I'll have to fix that, won't I?
03:34Oh, don't worry about it. It'd be quicker for Mum to get out.
03:37She'd go straight through the windscreen.
03:40Oh, is Mum going to sit there? Yes.
03:42That means I've got a ride on the pillion.
03:44God, love, it won't take your weight.
03:47God, look at that, look at the tyre.
03:52You're getting too fat.
03:54She was all right before she married you. Now she doesn't exercise enough.
03:58She doesn't do anything enough.
04:02And you're always too tired.
04:05Come on, love, let's go and get the dinner on our way, darling.
04:08Always the same, isn't it? You try and please people.
04:12God, blimey, what's this?
04:14It's mine, mate.
04:15I didn't know you collected antiques.
04:17No, don't you start.
04:18Oh, I'd never seen one of these before.
04:21Where's the handbook?
04:22You'll find it in the British Museum.
04:25Why don't you two shut up?
04:27Nothing wrong with this, get out of the way.
04:29Good engine, nice quiet runner.
04:31Oh, go on then, start it up.
04:32All right.
04:33Let's hear it.
04:34All right, all right.
04:35Watch this.
04:45Well, you must admit, that's very quiet.
04:49That's beautiful.
04:50You'd hardly know it was running.
04:52Just like a Rolls Royce.
04:54Blimey, what is making more noise than the engine?
04:57Why don't you two shut up?
04:59I don't know what's wrong with it.
05:00It was all right when I started it before.
05:02Come out of it.
05:03You're doing it all wrong.
05:05You little jerks like that.
05:06You've got to get it right at the top of the stroke.
05:08All right, all right.
05:09And look, right at the top of the stroke, like that,
05:11and a big hard push down, like...
05:13Oh, no!
05:16Oh, no!
05:17He's a great idiot.
05:19He's broken it.
05:20What, his toe?
05:21No, the starter.
05:24Look at that.
05:25Oh, that's solid.
05:26Oh, they don't make them like that these days.
05:28No, they don't make them break off like that these days either.
05:30Well, you broke it, mate.
05:31You fix it.
05:32Well, blimey, it's easy enough.
05:33It's only all done with a couple of bolts.
05:35No, no, that's sheared off.
05:36You'll have to strip your gearbox down.
05:39All right.
05:40Get the tools.
05:41Get the tools out.
05:42All right, all right.
05:43Yeah, they came with the bike.
05:44Oh, did they?
05:45Right, that's it.
05:46You got the right spanner.
05:47Spanner?
05:48You're joking.
05:49You know what he's got in here?
05:50Look at that.
05:51A bent knitting needle.
05:53There's a rusty safety pin.
05:54Half a tube of dried-up glue.
05:56Look at this.
05:58Some rubber bands, mate.
06:01Well, now we know what's holding the bike together, don't we?
06:04Blimey, I can't fix it without tools.
06:06Well, I'm not buying new tools, mate.
06:08You broke it.
06:09You buy the tools.
06:10I don't happen to buy tools, though, do I, eh?
06:12I'm a busman, aren't I?
06:13I work at a garage.
06:14So what do you mean?
06:15You'll get into trouble, mate, if they see you taking tools out of a garage.
06:17Yeah, but they won't see us taking tools out of a garage.
06:19They won't see us taking tools out of a garage, will they?
06:21Got it?
06:22Oh, right.
06:36Did you get them?
06:37Yeah, er...
06:39I didn't know what size to get, see.
06:40So I had a word with Joe, and he told me...
06:43He's given me these couple here.
06:44Said they'll undo any size nut I've got.
06:46Cop.
06:49Oh!
06:53Blimey, you're supposed to be mending a motorbike, not a QE2.
06:58That's all you can let me have.
06:59Well, let's not argue.
07:00I said I'd slip these two up and down the road.
07:02So give us a mount up on the cab, will you?
07:04Yeah, right.
07:05Go on, then. Here you go.
07:06Right.
07:08Here you go.
07:09Whoa, whoa, wait!
07:10Oh, yeah!
07:13You're sticking it to my ribs, isn't it?
07:16It's a bit tight.
07:17OK.
07:18All right.
07:19Wait a minute!
07:24It's bumpy.
07:25You're meant to slip down my leg now.
07:27Oh!
07:28Oh!
07:29Have you hurt yourself?
07:30No, I'm half cold.
07:32Take it easy, Joe.
07:33All right.
07:34I've got it, haven't I?
07:35Right.
07:36Now, wait a minute, wait a minute.
07:37That's it.
07:38Get your foot in.
07:42That's it.
07:43Come on.
07:45Right.
07:47Oh.
07:50Hang on, hang on.
07:53Here, watch it.
07:54It comes and it stops.
07:59What are you doing in there, then?
08:01Er...
08:02Well, it was, er...
08:03It's the 10.30 to the cemetery gate,
08:05so I thought I'd get in, you know.
08:07Well, just think about getting out again.
08:09There's your bus over there, the 10.22.
08:11Nobody told us.
08:12Well, get over in the other bus, come on.
08:14Oh.
08:15Hello.
08:18Come on.
08:32What's wrong with him, then?
08:33He's feeling his age.
08:37You busmen are an unhealthy lot, you know.
08:39Yeah.
08:40Don't you ever think about keeping your bodies in condition?
08:42Oh, get in that bus, Adam.
08:43Yeah, right.
08:44Go on.
08:49What's wrong with you, then?
08:50Er, er...
08:51I've got a touch of the cramp, you know.
08:53It's sitting in the cab all day that does it, you know.
08:55Cramp?
08:56You've got bad circulation, mate.
08:58Yeah.
08:59Well, it's all right, don't worry.
09:00No, it's not all right.
09:02If that leg's not functioning properly, you're not fit.
09:05It's all right, I can drive the bus, all right.
09:07Drive the bus, all right.
09:08Drive the bus, all right.
09:09You're not even fit to be a passenger in a bus.
09:13You get that leg functioning properly.
09:15Yeah, I will, yeah.
09:16What you need is a bit of massage.
09:17Oh, that's right.
09:18It just so happens I know what I'm talking about.
09:20I made a study of the subject.
09:23The spasm in that leg muscle needs to be relieved.
09:25Here, let me have a go.
09:33I was merely going to massage your biceps femoris, that's all.
09:37Yeah, you heard that.
09:38Yeah, yeah, yeah.
09:40I'm Sop Steward, I know the rules.
09:42Inspectors are not allowed to lay hands on busmen.
09:44Yeah.
09:45Well, what rule's that then, McGore-Taylor?
09:46Section 8, Appendix B.
09:49Well, that's a rule that states that an inspector must not get unduly familiar with the clitoris and that.
09:53Yeah, well, it applies even more so to busmen.
09:57Twit.
09:59Well, there's only one thing for it, you'll have to do a bit of exercise.
10:01Here, watch this, Sop.
10:08If he does that anymore, he'll take off.
10:11Look, mate, I want to drive through the cemetery gates, not fly there.
10:16I learned this when I was in the army.
10:17Did you?
10:18I used to have men suffering with cramp under me when they were in on manoeuvres.
10:21Here, watch this one, look.
10:23Oh, yeah?
10:24What regiment were you in, the tiller girls?
10:28This is scientific, mate.
10:30Relaxes the neck muscles, look at that.
10:32Looks like he's doing a can-can.
10:34That's very good, brahman.
10:36Now, lift your skirt up and show us your knickers.
10:42Now, look here.
10:44I'm not having him driving that bus unless I'm satisfied that that leg is functioning properly.
10:49Now, come on, let's have a look at it.
10:50Lift it up.
10:51Come on, lift it up.
10:52I'll tell you it's just for cramp, I can't lift it any harder.
10:54Well, lift it up, then.
10:55Look, I've got it as his arm as I can get it.
10:57Oh, brahman, you are a feeble specimen, honestly.
11:00Straighten yourself up, man.
11:01Grab her chest out, come on.
11:03What's the matter with you? You're all tensed up.
11:04Relax it, relax it.
11:06What was that?
11:16You must have caught your hand on the buckle of my belt.
11:19Belt?
11:20Yeah.
11:21Felt like a bit of cast iron.
11:23That's ridiculous.
11:24Look, I'll tell you, the only way to do it, Jack, is give me a walk up and down the back of the shed.
11:28It'll take the exposure, in the words he calls it.
11:30Swillari, up back.
11:31You're late enough as it is.
11:32You'll be all right.
11:33Yeah, I'm all right.
11:35With a cold compass on it.
11:41Ah, there you are.
11:44That's got rid of him.
11:45It, it.
11:47That's how it is, isn't it?
11:48Amazing.
11:49Here one minute and gone the next.
11:50That's it.
11:51Look at that.
11:56Send that bus out a bit.
12:03Excuse me.
12:07Oi!
12:10What's up with you, then?
12:11I've got conductor's crap.
12:12Oh.
12:30Thank you, Jack.
12:33See you, mate.
12:50Get this last one out.
12:51Like that, this last bolt, and that's, that's it.
12:54I'll have a broughty tea out here as you're not coming in.
12:56Oh, you needn't have bothered, Mum.
12:57Do you know what?
12:58I've stripped down that gearbox, put it back again in, what, under half an hour in it, have I?
13:01Oh, it's working, then.
13:03That is not what he said.
13:07You can keep your sarcastic remarks to yourself.
13:09Now, start it up.
13:10All right, all right.
13:11Come on, out of the way.
13:12Well, come out of it.
13:13Get out of it, everybody.
13:14Let's see what the magician's done this time.
13:16Right.
13:20Ah!
13:22I'm a magician.
13:24Working like a dream, innit, eh?
13:26Right, come out of it, Mum.
13:27Come out of it, come out of it.
13:28Right.
13:29Now, look, Arthur.
13:30Come out of it before Arthur runs you over.
13:32Oh, he wouldn't do that, would you, love?
13:34I might not be able to help myself.
13:37Stick it in gear, stick it in gear.
13:39Stick it.
13:41Stick it.
13:42That's it.
13:43Right, let the clutch out, let the clutch out.
13:45I've let the clutch out and the gear's stuck.
13:47Well, it's not stuck.
13:48I've tightened it up, haven't I?
13:49I'm a bit tight.
13:50Look, get your foot off.
13:51Give it a good kick in, right?
13:52That's it.
13:53Right, down in.
13:54Down in.
13:55Let the clutch out and straight out the shed you go.
13:56Here we go.
13:57Down in.
13:58Oh!
13:59Ow!
14:00That's cheap, Bob!
14:01What happened?
14:02Bob, I thought you were putting it in reverse.
14:03It hasn't got to reverse, you great, stupid, idiot.
14:04Well.
14:05Now, er, do you know what I reckon I'll do?
14:06What?
14:07I think I'll put the gearbox in back the front.
14:08You get that gearbox done before I do you.
14:09Bob!
14:10Get it done, what's the matter with you?
14:11I think it'd be a lot quicker though, Arthur, I tell you what.
14:12Well, I'm a bit tired, you know.
14:13I've got to go.
14:14I've got to go.
14:15I've got to go.
14:16I've got to go.
14:17I've got to go.
14:18I've got to go.
14:19I've got to go.
14:20I've got to go.
14:21I've got to go.
14:22I've got to go.
14:23I've got to go.
14:24I've got to go.
14:25I've got to go.
14:26I've got to go.
14:27I've got to go.
14:28I've got to go.
14:29I've got to go.
14:30I've got to go.
14:31I've got to go.
14:32I've got to go.
14:33I've got to go.
14:34I've got to go.
14:35I've got to go.
14:36I've got to go.
14:37I've got to go.
14:38I've got to go.
14:39I've got to go.
14:40I've got to go.
14:41I've got to go.
14:42I've got to go.
14:43I've got to go.
14:44I've got to go.
14:45I've got to go.
14:46I've got to go.
14:47I've got to go.
14:48I've got to go.
14:49Well, that was a great improvement.
15:05It went forward that time.
15:06But what did you expect?
15:07Well, another dose of your expert attention.
15:09I thought it might go sideways.
15:10Can I take me and Mum for a ride, then?
15:11Yep.
15:12I've got some crash helmets.
15:13I picked them up second hand.
15:14There we are.
15:15Oh, look, Mum.
15:16They've got all names on them.
15:17Here, Arthur.
15:18Which am I?
15:19Sexy Kid or Randy Racer?
15:20Well, I don't think either of them fit.
15:21You ought to have got one olive size.
15:22Yeah, well, I'm...
15:23Oh, never mind.
15:24I'll have this one.
15:25Here, Mum.
15:26You be the Sexy Kid.
15:27Oh, yeah?
15:28Well, I wouldn't want people to get the wrong idea, love.
15:29These are made in Japan.
15:30Eh?
15:31Bit small, are they?
15:32Well, of course they are.
15:33All Japanese have got small bonces.
15:34Yeah.
15:35Yeah.
15:36Yeah.
15:37Yeah.
15:38Yeah.
15:39Yeah.
15:40Yeah.
15:41Yeah.
15:42Of course they are.
15:43All Japanese have got small bonces.
15:45Oh, yeah?
15:46They must be very safe.
15:47I mean, they cover your eyes as well.
15:51Course you can't see any see-through or nothing.
15:54You have got them on the wrong way round.
15:56The big one is olives.
15:57Oh.
15:58Oh.
15:59What's this here, then?
16:00Hey, hey.
16:01Give that to me.
16:02Now, that looks a good bit of gear, Arthur.
16:03This, oh, uh...
16:06Mr. Octance? Is that you? Oh blimey, you've cooled off lately, haven't you?
16:17Give it here, I'm going to rub that rubbish off.
16:20No, don't rub it off, it's a smashing picture of you here, Arthur.
16:23Oh, no, it's not a bit, Arthur, love.
16:25Look, if we're going out, let's go now. Come back here.
16:27Alright, I'll wave you off. I'll come and wave you off.
16:29Here, don't forget to lock the back door.
16:32Yes, alright, love, yeah.
16:36Here we are, mind your leg, mind your leg.
16:38Mind your head, here we are.
16:40Right, now, you get on, Olive, and I'll give you a push out of the shed, Arthur.
16:45Alright, thank you.
16:47Is that alright?
16:48Yeah.
16:51It's only one thing, you're covering up the real life.
16:56Right, now, get up, go on, get up.
16:58Get up now, Arthur, dear.
16:59Oh, I'll have to snuggle up tight.
17:01Oh, Arthur, this is the way we snuggle up in bed at night.
17:04Aye.
17:06Dear, were you snooting down my left earhole?
17:08I should wear a crash helmet in bed.
17:11That's it, that's it, my men are out, and away we go.
17:14Right, off you go, love.
17:24It's all Olive's fault.
17:26What did you do that for?
17:28You can't do that, it's no use.
17:31No, no.
17:37Hello, Arthur, mate, what's up?
17:39I can't start the ruddy thing.
17:41What do you stop it for?
17:43Olive.
17:47Hang on a minute, we'll give you a hand.
17:58I'm ready now, Arthur.
18:00Oh, shut up.
18:05All right, I'm doing me face.
18:07No, no, Arthur, Arthur, you're doing it all wrong.
18:09Get it at the top of the stroke and give it a good hard kick like I did.
18:13All right.
18:20That's very good.
18:22That's exactly like you did it.
18:25You've cracked the star off again.
18:27Have you got any more good advice?
18:29How am I going to start the thing now?
18:31Here, have we got any passengers on our bus?
18:33No, why?
18:34Well, I've got a good idea.
18:35Night at work this time.
18:37I wonder what brilliance he's passing through his mind now.
19:00What's the matter?
19:02I've gone.
19:04Now there's nothing there.
19:06The knob must have slipped hard in.
19:08Oh, lover, we can't go back for him.
19:10He'll have to sort it out himself.
19:12Come on, jump on.
19:29LAUGHTER
19:32LAUGHTER
19:57God blimey, Jack.
19:59This bus rattles worse than ever.
20:01There's a shocking clatter coming from the back, you know.
20:03Yes, I heard that too.
20:04We'll have to get that fixed, you know.
20:06Yeah, get it round to maintenance, mate.
20:12I've disembowelled a bellyful of you, mate.
20:14I've disembowelled enough of you.
20:16Where did you get them from?
20:18Where did I get them from?
20:20They was tied on the back of your bus, weren't they?
20:23I thought you told me...
20:25I don't know.
20:26You've been trailing it all over the town.
20:28I've had telephone calls all day long about this.
20:30How did it get there?
20:32We don't know.
20:34Look, you'd better give me an explanation of this.
20:36Oh, there's a perfectly simple explanation, isn't there?
20:40You tell him.
20:42Come on.
20:44Yeah, well, what...
20:46Ah, yes, what happened was this, you see.
20:48This fellow got on the bus.
20:50I think he was an old-time sailor, actually.
20:52And I must admit, I was moving down the high street a bit.
20:54I suppose he got a bit windy
20:56and he chucked that out as a sort of second anchor.
21:05Tweet!
21:07The way you drive, mate, that'd be perfectly possible.
21:10But it just so happens that that is a pair of handlebars,
21:12not a blowing sheet anchor.
21:14He's right, you know.
21:16Come on, let's have an explanation.
21:18Otherwise we're going to get dragged up in front of the general manager.
21:20Well, look, I expect some kid tied it on the back when we stopped.
21:22I tell you what, give it to me. I'll get rid of him for you.
21:24No, no, no.
21:26No, that's going in the general manager's office
21:28until some idiot comes to claim it.
21:34Well, there are the handlebars.
21:36I wonder how they're getting on with the rest of the bike.
21:46Oh, Bobby Bunyan.
21:48Oh.
21:50I don't think my feet will ever get back to normal.
21:54Well, it's all your fault, isn't it?
21:56There was no need for you to push it up the hill.
21:58I told you I was perfectly willing to do it on me own.
22:00I didn't want my husband to get a rupture.
22:06I don't think that would have affected you in any way.
22:08Oh, here's Stan.
22:10Oh.
22:12Oh, well, you made it home all right, then.
22:14Yeah.
22:16Hello. What's up with you two?
22:18What's up with us two?
22:20We had to push the bike five miles home.
22:22Well, why didn't you take it to a garage and get it fixed?
22:24Because you had the handlebars, didn't you?
22:28Practically, we've been sitting there all on me own
22:30with me hands stuck out in the air looking like a twit.
22:34You don't have to have your hands stuck out in the air looking like a twit.
22:36Besides, we had it arranged.
22:38If anything went wrong, you was to blow on the uter.
22:40Now then, what happened?
22:42The uter was on the handlebars.
22:46Where are they?
22:48Well, that's something I've got to tell you.
22:50You see, the inspector found them hanging on the back of the bus
22:52and, well, he's compounded them
22:54until somebody comes and collects them.
22:56That's it.
22:58Right.
23:00Well, I shall go and claim them then, mate.
23:02Don't you dare.
23:04Aye. Aye.
23:06Well, I'm telling you, mate, don't you go down that garage.
23:08Blimey, if he thinks I've towed your bike on the back of my bus,
23:10I'll get the bullet.
23:12I can't help that, mate.
23:14You had broken my handlebars off.
23:16I intend to go and get them and you get out the way.
23:18Now, now, now, I'm telling you, I'm telling you.
23:20I didn't mind what I say. You do somebody a favour
23:22and they want to go to the garage and put the boot in for you.
23:24Is that what it was? Was it a favour you did me?
23:26You broke the handlebars off my bike. I'm going to get them.
23:28Now get out. You get down that garage, mate.
23:30I'll break more than that handlebars. You and who else?
23:32Me by myself. I'll flatten you, mate.
23:34Only when you're driving your bus.
23:42What are you doing?
23:44I'm trotting the cat's food.
23:46That's all right.
23:48Put it back in the bowl again.
23:50Oh, no, no.
23:52Now me feet will smell of boiled corn.
23:56You were lucky that happened, mate.
23:58You mean you were lucky, boy.
24:00I'm led to believe that a set of handlebars
24:02that cost a fiver know either you hand over a fiver
24:04or I go and see that inspector of yours.
24:06Oh.
24:08That's blackmail. That is blackmail.
24:10You're quite right. Hand it over.
24:12I've got an alternative, have I?
24:14No, you haven't.
24:16You're right and you are.
24:18Well, a lot of you know this. This happens to be my last fiver.
24:20Rotten thing.
24:22I was going to take a bird out with that tonight.
24:24You'll have me in tears, mate.
24:26Anyway, keep me out of mischief.
24:28Never mind about the bird.
24:30You strip down my gearbox instead.
24:32I shall go and get the handlebars.
24:34Ain't it marvellous? You help somebody
24:36and what do you get? Nothing but frustration.
24:38Oh, really.
24:42Ruddy boy.
24:44What do you want to buy the blasted thing for?
25:12APPLAUSE