102.On The Buses.The new conductor
A new conductor turns out to be a conductress, Iris, whom Stan dates. Despite being middle-aged he does not want his family to know and says he is on a late shift whilst taking Iris to the pub, where Arthur sees them. Arthur and Stan's mum also foil Stan's efforts after he has brought Iris home though he eventually makes up with her.
Transcript
00:00On the Buses, number two, production number 0158, part one, take one.
00:06Over his head, please.
00:36Thank you.
00:56I can't eat any more.
01:06Oh, what's the matter, Stanley?
01:07You've hardly touched a breakfast.
01:08No, I've got that queasy feeling in my stomach.
01:11I'll just have this cup of tea.
01:12No, it's always the same when I've got to work with a new conductor.
01:15Oh, what difference does that make?
01:16Oh, blimey, the last one was bell at me, wasn't he?
01:18Ding, ding, ding all day long.
01:20Even made me stop to pick up passengers.
01:23Ah, typical.
01:24No wonder people use trains.
01:26At least they're reliable.
01:28Just because you work on the railways.
01:30Trains, gawd.
01:31Yeah, but at least we stop at stations where we're supposed to stop.
01:34And about 20 places in between.
01:36What the hell do you know about it, anyway?
01:38You sell tickets in a booking office.
01:40You want to try driving a bus all day long in the heavy traffic.
01:43My bus, mate, is over 30 feet long.
01:45Some of our trains are over 500 feet long.
01:49But you don't drive them down the high street, do you?
01:53There's another thing.
01:54I'm sitting on top of the engine all day long, thumping away.
01:57Puts a froth on me gastric juices.
02:00Oh, Stan, not while I'm eating.
02:03Fancy feeling ill just because he's got a new conductor.
02:06Well, Stan's always been like that.
02:08I remember when he first had Miss Wilkins.
02:11I do.
02:12Miss Wilkins.
02:13At school.
02:14She was his teacher, you know.
02:16Every morning he felt sick, you know.
02:18For God's sake, Mum, I was only eight years old then.
02:21Well, you haven't changed at all, you know.
02:23I used to give him hot water bottles to put on his tummy.
02:26I'll get you one now, love.
02:27Oh, Mum, sit down, for God's sake.
02:29I can't turn up with a depo with a hot water bottle up me coat.
02:34Blimey, they'll think I'm a pregnant clippy.
02:37No, no, it's a touch of heartburn.
02:39It'll go when I walk about.
02:41Well, I know what it is.
02:43It's flatulence.
02:44Now, look here.
02:45Bring the wind up.
02:46Come on, here he comes.
02:49Why don't you put him over your shoulder and walk him up and down a bit?
02:53Oh, don't give her ideas.
02:55Here, look, I'm due out at 8.40.
02:57Where's me cat, Mum?
02:58I had it a minute ago.
02:59Now, where did I put it?
03:00My cat!
03:01Well, all right, now, don't fluster me.
03:02I tell you, my memory's not as good as it used to be.
03:05It can't be all that bad.
03:06You can remember what my stomach was like 30 years ago.
03:08Where's me cat?
03:09Oh, God.
03:10Look, the cat's sitting on it.
03:12Oh, well.
03:13He was only keeping it warm, love.
03:15I don't mind that, but I don't want it fur lined.
03:18Oh, you're an awful moult, innit?
03:19Oh, look here, I'll brush it for you.
03:21Good job you got a mum, you know.
03:23Look, he's got to get married sometime.
03:25Well, he's only a boy.
03:27Can't rush these things.
03:29Sometimes terrible things can happen.
03:34Oh, right you are.
03:37Come on, dear.
03:38Now, look, darling, look here.
03:39If the conductor ain't nice to you, you tell the inspector.
03:42Oh, Mum.
03:44You are an afterthought, aren't you?
03:46The inspector will say,
03:47Inspector, can I have a new conductor?
03:49This one's being rude to me.
03:51Shall I give you a note?
03:55Cheryl.
03:59It's just that I don't like working with new conductors.
04:01Well, I don't make up the road list, do I?
04:03What route did they put you on?
04:0429.
04:05Yeah, well, who am I with then?
04:07You're with me.
04:12Oh.
04:13Why?
04:14What's the matter?
04:15Oh, nothing.
04:16It's just that I thought you was a bloke.
04:20Oh, blimey, mate.
04:21If your eyes are as bad as all that,
04:22you shouldn't be driving a bus.
04:25No, I didn't mean that.
04:26I meant that I've never had a clippy before.
04:28Oh.
04:29Well, you'd better get used to the idea.
04:31Hang on a minute.
04:33Oh, blimey, Stan.
04:34You've got Iris.
04:35Who's Iris?
04:37She's from Basildon.
04:38Oh, no, she's a right little raver.
04:42You've stuck oil there, mate.
04:44Yeah, she's worn out more drivers
04:46than the five o'clock rush hour.
04:50I'll tell you something, Jack.
04:51She won't get me going, mate.
04:53Want to take a bet?
04:54I take a bet.
04:57The bet's off.
05:00Oh, well, better get the gear on.
05:02I've just got to tighten me straps.
05:04That's all right.
05:05I'll do that for you.
05:06I know.
05:07You're a bit fresh, aren't you?
05:09No, I know how they go.
05:10Not these you don't.
05:14Well, come on, then.
05:15Come on, help us on with it.
05:16All right, then.
05:19Right.
05:20Tighten it up a bit at the back.
05:21That's right.
05:22How's that?
05:23Oh, dear.
05:24Don't pull it in too hard.
05:25I'm sorry.
05:26There's a time and place for everything, you know.
05:30Is that better?
05:31Well, I don't know.
05:32It's still a bit tight.
05:34I'm a 38-inch.
05:35Or haven't you noticed?
05:38No, I haven't.
05:41Well, we'd better get going, then, that love, I think.
05:43What?
05:44It's time for a last fag, isn't it?
05:46Watch it.
05:47The inspector's knocking about.
05:48Oh, you don't worry about that old burp, do you?
05:50Who me?
05:51No, I couldn't care less about him.
05:54Not it, I'm telling you.
05:57Here, hang on to that a minute.
05:58What for?
05:59Well, I just want to powder me nose.
06:11Well, the only thing you're doing, then.
06:13You know the regulations.
06:14Put that fag out.
06:15This is not my fag.
06:16Not what?
06:17It is my fag.
06:18I'm sorry.
06:19Put it out.
06:20Anyway, you're due out.
06:21Get in that cab and drive off.
06:22Here, hang on a minute, can't I?
06:23Go to the ladies.
06:24You nip off, love.
06:25I'll wait for you.
06:27You're what?
06:30Since when do you decide the schedules?
06:33This is a bus, mate, not a private motor car at madam's disposal.
06:36Get that cab out of here.
06:37Get on that bus.
06:39You've had plenty of time to go.
06:41You're waiting to get the other end now.
06:42It's 8.41.
06:43You're late.
06:51Oi!
06:52What's that supposed to mean?
06:53Backwards, forwards or blast off?
07:07Come on.
07:13Come on, boys.
07:37Come on.
08:07Come on, boys.
08:26Look out, what's he doing?
08:27Stop!
08:32You imbecile.
08:34You know the regulations.
08:35Why didn't you follow the conductor's instructions?
08:37I was following my...
08:39No, no, it's my fault.
08:40No, I'm sorry.
08:42I might have been standing here.
08:43Well, we can't always look on the bright side.
08:47Shut up.
08:48Yes, well, I'm afraid I shall have to put all that down on the report.
08:51As if I haven't got enough to do.
08:57Oh, thanks.
08:58Thanks for not letting on to that narc.
09:00That's all right, love.
09:01Anything for a pretty lady.
09:03Hey, we finish early tonight.
09:05Yeah, we do, don't we?
09:06You doing anything this evening?
09:08Well, it's Thursday, isn't it?
09:09Oh, yes, my bingo night.
09:11Bingo?
09:12Yeah.
09:13You taking someone?
09:14Yeah, I take my mum.
09:15Oh.
09:18You take your mum out often?
09:19Oh, no.
09:20Only Tuesday, Thursday and Friday.
09:23Why do you ask?
09:24Well, I don't know.
09:25They're opening a new bar down the Red Lion.
09:27I thought you might like to take me.
09:29Still, I suppose I can always go with you.
09:31Oh, no.
09:32No, I'm not committed.
09:33I'm not committed, no.
09:34What about your mum?
09:35I don't have to ask her.
09:36I do as I like, you know.
09:38I'll just tell her I've got another date.
09:40Right.
09:41I'll see you there at seven.
09:42Oh.
09:44Oh, dear.
09:45Don't look so worried.
09:46It'll be better than bingo.
09:53You know, I want to look my best tonight, love.
09:56I think you'd better put three extra curls in.
09:58Three extra curls at the back?
10:00What for, mum?
10:01Well, you know what it is at bingo?
10:02When they shout, eyes down, everybody sees the back of his head.
10:07Oh, that'll be Stan.
10:08Put the kettle on, love, will you?
10:09And cheer him up.
10:10He may have had a very trying day with his new conductor.
10:16Hi, mum.
10:17Hello, love.
10:18Timo will be a minute.
10:19I'm just having me hair finished off for tonight.
10:21Oh, tonight.
10:23Sorry, mum, I can't take you to bingo tonight.
10:25They've bunged me on a late night shift.
10:28A late night?
10:29But you've been working all day.
10:30You haven't got the strength.
10:31Oh, I'll manage.
10:34Is your new conductor doing late night shift with you?
10:37Erm, yes, yes, yes.
10:39Oh, well, what's he like?
10:40Is he like, er, like Jack?
10:42Er, no, very different.
10:45In what way?
10:47In every way, really.
10:48But, er, very nice, very nice.
10:49Oh, good, right.
10:50Tell me all about him over your cup of tea.
10:52Well, I can't wait for a cup of tea, mum.
10:54I've got to nip upstairs and get changed, you see.
10:56Changed?
10:57To work?
10:58But you don't have to change when you're on the late night shift.
11:00Oh, well, I'm sorry, mum.
11:01What I meant is I've got to have a wash and a shave to get back to work.
11:09He sounds remarkably chirpy for someone who's going to work late.
11:12Oh, well, I expect he's thinking of all the overtime.
11:16Yeah.
11:17What are you going to do tonight, Arthur?
11:18Aye.
11:21I think I'm getting my bronchitis.
11:24Yeah, well, I think I'm going down a red line.
11:27Arthur, you're not going on the drinking, are you?
11:30Er, no.
11:31No, I've got a railway union local branch weekend.
11:41There's only one thing for it, Stan, mate.
11:42You'll have to change in the gents when you get at the red line.
11:49I'm off now, mum.
11:50Don't wait up for me.
11:51Good night.
11:52No, wait.
11:53Aren't you going to kiss your mum?
11:54Er, what?
11:55I should hope so.
11:57What are you doing with your vest suit?
11:59Er, yes.
12:00I thought I'd dip it in to have it cleaned.
12:02Cleaned?
12:03Well, I had it done last week.
12:04Yeah, I know you did, but there's a stain on it.
12:06Really?
12:07Well, somewhere.
12:08Anyway, I thought I'd put it into the all-night cleaners and then I could pick it up on my way home.
12:13Oh, why didn't you say so?
12:14We'll make a loan.
12:15Aye.
12:19I've got something else.
12:20I've got a couple of dresses here, two pullovers, and I've got my blue overcoat as well.
12:25There you are, love.
12:27Mum.
12:28It's all right.
12:29Don't forget me dressing gown.
12:30Oh, blimey, wait a minute.
12:31Hang on.
12:32I've got my trousers in there.
12:33Yeah, well, er, they've got two machines.
12:35You may as well take the washing as well.
12:36Yeah, but wait a minute.
12:39There we are, love.
12:40There you are.
12:42Mum, I can't carry all this, love.
12:44Good night.
12:45No, of course you can't.
12:46Look, I'll take it in the morning with your suit.
12:48Give it to me.
12:49I'll do it.
12:50I'll do it.
12:51I'll go and get it.
12:55Thank you.
13:21Mum.
13:22Yes, love?
13:23Mum, it's about Stan.
13:24Arthur caught sight of him tonight.
13:26Driving his bus?
13:27No, drinking in the Red Lion.
13:30Stan?
13:31In the Red Lion?
13:32Arthur?
13:33Yeah?
13:34You tell Mum.
13:36Yeah, well, I'm the, er, last person in the world to cause trouble, as you well know.
13:41But I did catch him in the Red Lion tonight drinking with a female.
13:45Oh?
13:46Who was he?
13:47Well, I've checked up with his mates at the depot.
13:48It appears it's his new clippy.
13:50His new clippy?
13:51Oh, he never mentioned it.
13:53Oh, I think they popped into the pub after his late night shift.
13:56She was his late night shift.
13:58I mean, it's none of my business, but I, er, checked up and they've been together all evening.
14:02Is she, is she a nice type of girl?
14:04Fastest piece in the depot.
14:07Oh, don't you mean she goes out with anyone?
14:09Oh, no, no, no.
14:10No, just, er, friends and strangers.
14:13Yeah, she's looking for a husband.
14:15Wants some mug to keep her.
14:17Oh, fancy a girl doing that?
14:19Yeah, well, lots do.
14:22Oh, there's a dog.
14:24Yeah.
14:25Oh, it's back.
14:26Oh, it's not late anyway.
14:28Now, don't you say anything to him.
14:30I'll have a little chat in the morning.
14:31Right, ma'am. See you.
14:37Are you scared?
14:38Er, yes, ma'am.
14:39Shall I come down and make you some cocoa?
14:41Er, no, no, don't bother. I'll get it meself, ma'am.
14:44Stop. Go.
14:45Ruddy laundry all the way through the river.
14:49Here, what are you trying to do?
14:51Weaken my resistance.
14:56We're going to the parlour.
14:57We won't be disturbed in there.
14:58All right.
15:14He's dead.
15:15They're yours.
15:19OK, I'll wait for you.
15:2321.
15:25What, ma'am?
15:26Come up a minute. I want to talk to you about Leachie.
15:29Oh.
15:30Yes, er, wait a minute.
15:32Yeah, I'll wait a minute, ma'am.
15:34I'm just coming up.
15:37Just a moment.
15:38Just a moment.
15:47I'm just slipping in me working trousers.
15:52Well, thanks for the compliment.
15:54You should keep your best ones for.
15:57I just want to slip up to see the old lady.
15:59See, I want to find out something.
16:01You've left it a bit late, haven't you?
16:05Look, if you're going out to ask your mummy's advice,
16:07I'm off.
16:09No, no.
16:10No, no, all right.
16:11Oh, look here.
16:12Now, look here, Sam.
16:13Make up your mind.
16:14Who do you want to kiss goodnight?
16:16Me or her?
16:18Yeah, yeah.
16:21Sam!
16:22Just remember, it's Thursday.
16:23I'm doing me football pause.
16:24I'll take it tomorrow.
16:25Goodnight.
16:28Yeah, come on.
16:29Let's have some mood music.
16:30Yeah.
16:31Something smoochy.
16:32What you got?
16:33Er...
16:34Abide with me by the Luton Girls' Choir.
16:37Oh, my God.
16:39Haven't you got a non-vocal?
16:41Er...
16:42Skater's Waltz by the Foden's Motorworks Band.
16:45Is that all?
16:46No, she's got stacks more down here.
16:48Oh, don't bother.
16:49Don't bother.
16:50Here.
16:51Come and sit down.
16:53There's no room.
16:54It's all right.
16:55I'll make some.
17:00Come here.
17:05Here.
17:07There's someone talking downstairs.
17:08I think he's brought that woman back.
17:10Oh, no.
17:11He's just been on the telly.
17:12What, at this time of night?
17:18There's something very funny going on down there
17:20and it doesn't sound like the epilogue.
17:26Here, Sam.
17:27What?
17:28Why don't you put the light off?
17:29Yeah, yeah, why not?
17:36Look, I think they're here.
17:38Look, according to you,
17:39they're spread over the china cabinet.
17:42I hope he's remembered to take the cactus plant off.
17:45No.
17:46No.
17:47They're on the sofa now.
17:48Hey, that's...
17:49Shh, shh.
17:51Oh, this is terrible.
17:52What can you hear?
17:54Nothing.
17:56Oh!
17:57What's that?
17:58Blimey, what's that?
17:59What's what?
18:00I don't know.
18:01The sun is sharp, sticking into me.
18:04Put the light on.
18:06What is it?
18:07What is it?
18:08Oh, look at that.
18:09Somebody's sat there knitting down there.
18:11Oh, it's Mum.
18:12It's Mum.
18:13It's the old girl's.
18:14Cool.
18:15If she snagged my tights,
18:16I'll snag her.
18:19You know, that wasn't Stan screaming.
18:20That was her.
18:21Stan wouldn't hurt no one.
18:23Who says he's hurting her?
18:24Oh.
18:26Wait a minute.
18:27They're off again.
18:28They're moving.
18:29Come on.
18:32I don't know what's going on here.
18:34I really, really don't know what's going on here.
18:36I don't know.
18:39Not really.
18:40You know, I've lost the scent.
18:44They're playing musical chairs by the sound of it.
18:47Look, if you're so worried,
18:48why don't you go downstairs?
18:50I can't just walk in, are I?
18:51I bet there are other ways you can let them know you're listening.
18:54Oh, really?
18:56Oh, no, it's all right.
18:58Oh, my God.
18:59Oh, my God.
19:03Oh, Blimey, don't sit down like that.
19:05I've dropped a stitch.
19:07If you're going to sit here doing your knitting,
19:09I'm off.
19:10No, no, it's not fair.
19:11I've just dropped a...
19:12No, come on.
19:13Yes, I am.
19:14No, come on, come on.
19:15Well, I suppose I'd better, really.
19:17Before you get out your crochet hook.
19:26What's the matter now?
19:27It's Mum's cat staring at me.
19:31Put the light off.
19:32That's no good, it can see in the dark.
19:36Now, perhaps you'll go off to sleep.
19:39I'll go off to sleep before he does.
19:41No, all right, I'll put the light out, I'll put the light out.
19:47Here, what do you think you're doing?
19:48I'm taking him in to snack.
19:50They're not going to knock off for a tea break, you know.
19:52Well, if they're eating, they can't do nothing else, can they?
19:56Mum, look what I found in the hall.
19:59Stan's trousers.
20:03His trousers.
20:05Well, maybe we're too late for the food.
20:09No, no, it's all right.
20:10He changed into his suit when I saw him in the pub.
20:12Oh, fine, that's a big relief.
20:14Now, I'll take this in straight away, that's what I'll do.
20:17Stan, why are you sitting in the dark now?
20:20The bulb went, Mum, you know.
20:22Really?
20:24Well, that's fine.
20:25But it's all right now.
20:26Yeah, it must have been on the blink.
20:29Oh, I had no idea you had company.
20:33No, I'm sorry, Mum, this is Iris.
20:35She works on the buses.
20:36Evening.
20:37Fancy a cup of tea?
20:38Oh, yes, I'd love to.
20:39Oh, yes, I'd love to.
20:40Oh, yes, I'd love to.
20:41Oh, yes, I'd love to.
20:42Oh, yes, I'd love to.
20:43Oh, yes, I'd love to.
20:44Oh, yes, I'd love to.
20:45Evening.
20:46Pleased to meet you, love.
20:48Yes, if I'd known you was coming, I'd have stayed up.
20:52I just made some kipper sandwiches for Stan and a cup of cocoa.
20:57I'll get another cup for you.
20:59Oh, don't bother.
21:00Oh, there's no bother.
21:01No bother at all.
21:03There you are.
21:05Well, I'll be getting along.
21:07Good night.
21:08Good night.
21:09Good night.
21:11DOOR SLAMS SHUT
21:14Here, do you want one?
21:16Kipper and cocoa?
21:19Well, it's hardly oysters and champagne, is it?
21:22No, you're right, Iris, come on.
21:25Come on.
21:27KNOCKING
21:28Oh!
21:30Hi, look, Stan, I brought you another bowl,
21:32in case that one goes again.
21:36Oh, well, you never know what can happen in the dark.
21:39You might spill your cocoa.
21:43Blimey, this is impossible!
21:46Look, she's gone to bed now, I'm sure she has.
21:48Oh, I bet she has.
21:49Now, come on, she's gone to bed, come.
21:52KNOCKING
21:55Here we are, love.
21:57I forgot to give you your bismuth.
21:59He always takes it every night before he goes to bed.
22:01I get your spoon, and then I...
22:03Oh, so that could have sworn I hung my washing up.
22:09Oh, really?
22:10Good, that shows you how very forgetful I'm getting.
22:13Oh, you've spilled your cocoa, I'll get some more.
22:15No!
22:16Oh, it's no trouble, I've got it in the pan.
22:18I don't want your blasted cocoa!
22:21Really?
22:23Well, I'll get you some tea.
22:29Oh!
22:31Well, thanks very much.
22:34It's been a very sexy evening, hasn't it?
22:37Kipper sandwiches, cocoa, and your mum's bloomers.
22:42Well, I'm sorry about that, Iris, but she was just trying to be nice to you, in a way, I suppose.
22:47I didn't come here to be nice to your mum.
22:50No, well, she's upset because it was her bingo night.
22:53It may have been her bingo night, mate, it certainly wasn't mine.
22:56I know that, Iris, but Iris, don't go, love, because...
22:58I am going.
22:59No, look, I...
23:01Good night!
23:02Good night!
23:05Oh, has she gone?
23:08You know she's gone.
23:09Oh, I think perhaps it's as well.
23:11I don't think she's got anything to offer you, you know.
23:14You didn't give me time to find out, did you?
23:18It's always the same.
23:19Every time I bring a girl into this house, you're the same, aren't you?
23:22In and out, in and out, all the time.
23:24I'm getting fed up with... I'm not a kid, you know, I'm not your school.
23:26I'm going upstairs.
23:28Are you going to bed?
23:29No, I'm going to have a cold bath.
23:33Yeah.
23:38Morning, Stan.
23:39Oh, hello, Jack.
23:40Who are the fans for?
23:41Iris. Sort of a peace offering, you know.
23:43Haven't seen her around, have you?
23:44No, not likely to either.
23:45She put in for a transfer.
23:47Oh, no.
23:49Well, I'm going to opt you out in a few minutes.
23:50Who's my new conductor?
23:51It's me.
23:52I'm back with you.
23:53Darling, can I have the flowers?
23:57Oh, Stan.
23:58Oh, I'm glad I've brought you.
24:00I've brought you your lunch, love.
24:01There you are.
24:02Oh, thanks, Mum.
24:03Thank you very much, Mum.
24:04Mum, I'm sorry about last night and the way I rushed off enough this morning.
24:08That's all right, love.
24:10Here.
24:11Some flowers for you.
24:12Oh, Stan.
24:14Oh, they're very nice.
24:17I really don't deserve it.
24:19Yes, you do.
24:21Come on, Jack.
24:22We're due out.
24:23I'll see you in a minute.
24:32Mum.
24:33Yes, love?
24:34I know I've given you the flowers.
24:35If you don't come out of it, I'll be putting them on top of you.
25:01Thank you.
25:02Bye.
25:03Bye.
25:04Bye.
25:05Bye.
25:06Bye.
25:07Bye.
25:08Bye.
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25:12Bye.
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25:14Bye.
25:15Bye.
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25:18Bye.
25:19Bye.
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25:24Bye.
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25:57Bye.
25:58Bye.