Mum's sister, Aunt Maud, comes to stay, bringing her once little dog, Marcus, now a huge wolfhound. Their presence means a change of sleeping arrangements and a sleepless night for Stan, bunking up with Arthur. Further problems arise for Stan when he tries to smuggle Marcus onto the bus to take Aunt Maud home without Blakey finding out.
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TVTranscript
00:00On the bus is number four, part one, production number 0279, take one.
01:00Come on, get in the way, come on, pull it to me, yes, come on, all right, thank you.
01:31Good afternoon, Mrs. Butler. Good afternoon, Inspector. Can you tell me, is my Stan driving the number 11 that's due in now?
01:39Undoubtedly, Mrs. Butler. That's the one that's ten minutes late.
01:43Oh, yes, it would be, because the 345 from Tilbury's Hall was a bit late.
01:47The number 11 bus, madam, it doesn't go to Tilbury. It goes to the 7th and Gates and Banks.
01:53I know, but Stan's waiting in the station to meet his auntie Maud.
01:57What?
01:58Yes, she's come to stay with us, and Stan said he'd meet her at the station if her train wasn't more than half an hour late.
02:03Did he? I'll make a note of that.
02:06Oh, he's very obliging, my Stan.
02:09Yes, I'll see the general manager gets to hear about that.
02:12Oh, you're very kind. Not all inspectors are like that, my Stan says.
02:17No, no, there's one they call Hitler. Stan says he's a real bastard.
02:22That's it. Where's that bus?
02:26Is that the one that's coming in now?
02:29Yes, that's the one. It'll back in here and back right up there.
02:32Why do they always back in?
02:34Saves them backing out.
02:52Hello, Stan.
02:53Hi, Mum.
02:54Did you pick up your auntie?
02:55Yes, of course I did. Hang on, I'll open the doors.
02:57Oh, thanks, love.
02:59Hello, Maud.
03:01Hello, Mabel.
03:03How are you, love?
03:04Oh, I've had a shocking journey.
03:06Hello, auntie.
03:07Hello, love.
03:08Have you said hello to Stan?
03:09No, not yet.
03:10Come here, love.
03:11Have you given your aunt a kiss yet?
03:12No, not yet, Mum. I was just...
03:13Butler!
03:14Oh.
03:15I'd like a word with you, if I may.
03:16Come on, give me a kiss.
03:18Muah, muah, muah, muah.
03:21This is my nephew.
03:23I used to bath him.
03:26Then there's a time I've had him on me knee
03:28and smothered his little bottom with powder.
03:32Fascinating, I'm sure.
03:34Has he still got that little birthmark on his little body?
03:37I should ask the Clippers about that.
03:39Oh, no, no, no, no.
03:41Has he still got that little birthmark on his little body?
03:44I should ask the Clippers about that, if I were you.
03:48Er, beg your pardon, Mrs Butler.
03:50No offence intended, I'm sure.
03:51Well, have you got everything, Maud?
03:52Yes.
03:53Oh, Marcus.
03:54Marcus?
03:55Marcus.
03:56Who's Marcus?
03:57My doggie.
03:58Didn't I tell you I've got a little pet?
04:00No, you didn't.
04:02He's so nervous riding on the bus.
04:04Marcus?
04:05Marcus?
04:06Come on to Mummy, come on.
04:09He won't come off.
04:10Oh, Ollie, go and see if you can get him off.
04:13She's ever so good with little doggies.
04:15Yes, come on, Marcus.
04:16Come on.
04:17Yes, that's right, come on.
04:18Come on.
04:19Come on.
04:20Come on.
04:21Come on.
04:22Come on.
04:23Come on.
04:24Come on.
04:25Come on.
04:26Come on.
04:27Come on.
04:28Come on.
04:29Who let that creature on the bus?
04:30Where's your conductor?
04:31Er, well, he was on when we got left the depot.
04:33Jack, you were right there.
04:35I am not coming down till that animal's under control.
04:38Don't be daft, he won't hurt you.
04:40There's nothing wrong with him.
04:43Oh, my darling, he's all right.
04:46Friend.
04:48It's all right for you, mate.
04:50You're sitting up front.
04:51I shall have to make a note of this.
04:53Where's your waybill?
04:54Here.
04:55The rest of it's inside him.
04:58You gave it to him to play with, did you?
05:00Play with?
05:01Look what he's done to me pouch.
05:04First me waybill, then me pouch.
05:06I thought she was getting too close for comfort, so I went upstairs.
05:09You shouldn't have let him on the bus in the first place.
05:11He didn't let him on.
05:12He got on.
05:14Oh, you never said you had a vicious pet like this.
05:16You should have said.
05:17He's only a little pet.
05:19He's not like this normally.
05:20He upset him.
05:21He wouldn't let him get on the seat.
05:23Because at the time there happened to be two people sitting on it.
05:28He went for me, tried to bite me.
05:29And I only smiled at him.
05:32I'm not surprised with your choppers, mate.
05:35I thought he was going to bite him.
05:39Come on, get that creature off the bus.
05:40Come on, there's no time to waste now.
05:42Come on, Olive.
05:43Give up.
05:44Give up.
05:45Come on.
05:46Oh, don't be silly.
05:47You don't know how to do it.
05:48Come here, I'll show you.
05:49You've got to be kinder.
05:50Come on.
05:51Good boy.
05:52You've got to see this.
05:53Who's the boss, you see?
05:57Bloody Lily dragged me in the side.
05:59Yeah, he's probably feeling angry at you.
06:00Yeah, he's probably feeling angry at you.
06:02Come on.
06:03He won't come any further.
06:06It's no use using brute force to get him off the bus.
06:09Use a bit of logic, for God's sake.
06:11Give him something to get off for.
06:13A tomcat to get him off.
06:16No.
06:19No, I won't.
06:26Blimey, you sound as though you've been doctored.
06:29He'll be marvellous.
06:30Any minute now, he'll be down on all fours, digging holes.
06:34That won't get him off.
06:35He's afraid of cats.
06:37I know what's wrong.
06:38It's afraid of him.
06:40Afraid of me?
06:41Oh, no, no, not the inspector.
06:44Yes, he was once kicked by a man with a little black moustache,
06:47just like he's got.
06:48So he thinks this man's cruel and nasty.
06:50Very clever dog.
06:53Now, sir, perhaps if you went and ate,
06:56he might get off.
06:57Went and ate?
06:58Yes.
06:59Preposterous.
07:01However, if a dog's as daft as all that,
07:03I suppose I'd better go and hide.
07:06There, the minute the inspector's gone, he's all right.
07:10Yeah.
07:11See you later then, Mum, yeah.
07:13That is more honest, isn't it?
07:14The minute the inspector goes, everybody's all right.
07:16Get down, you idiot.
07:17What are you doing up there?
07:21It's a good job I had that bit of liver in the cupboard.
07:24I don't know what I'd give Marcus.
07:26Oh, you know, he's too big a dog to have in the house.
07:29Olive, love, go and take him outside.
07:31There's a good girl.
07:32Oh, I'll put him in the hall.
07:33Oh, yes, go and stay here.
07:34Come on, Marcus.
07:35Put him in the hall, that's right, love.
07:36Come on.
07:37Oh, what a size.
07:38Here, where's her husband tonight?
07:39He's very late.
07:40Well, he always is on a Friday night, hasn't he?
07:42Doesn't get it?
07:43What, past ten?
07:44Oh, I think it's terrible them working him so late.
07:46No, not really.
07:47Eh?
07:48Well, if Arthur had been here, the dog wouldn't have had his liver.
07:52Oh, there's your husband.
07:53Oh, there's your husband now, Olive.
07:55Get, hey, get down.
07:57Get off, will you?
07:58Leave, go.
08:03Who put that great big brute out here?
08:05She did.
08:06Well, she might have turned the light on.
08:08Opened the front door, he put his paws right up me shoulder,
08:11started licking me face.
08:12I thought it was Olive gone berserk.
08:16Do you really think it was me?
08:18Come and give us a kiss.
08:19Love, Frank, you have had enough of the dog.
08:22Whose is it?
08:23Aunt Maud's.
08:24Aunt Maud?
08:25Oh, she's arrived, has she?
08:26Where is she?
08:27Upstairs unpacking.
08:29Oh.
08:31Here, that smells good.
08:32My liver, is it?
08:33I'll have that now.
08:35You've had it.
08:36Anyway, you've had it because the dog's had it.
08:40You give my liver to that dog?
08:42Well, we had to give it something, love.
08:45Olive, go in the kitchen and get some cheese and pickled onions.
08:48Yes, all right.
08:49Charming, isn't it?
08:50Hey, I was looking forward to that liver.
08:52Never even got a taste of it.
08:53You must have, dog, when he jumped up and bit you.
08:56What did that aunt of yours want to bring that great big brute here for?
08:59Anyway, she must be out of her mind, that stupid old bag.
09:02Hello, Aunt Maud.
09:04Hello, Aunt Maud.
09:05How nice to see you.
09:07Oh, that'll come down, won't it, Popple?
09:09It's in the kitchen, love.
09:10Give us a kiss.
09:11Hey.
09:16Blimey, first the dog, now her.
09:18It's like a Roman orgy.
09:21Here you are, sir.
09:22Cheese and pickled onions.
09:23There's not much cheese you'll have to fill up with pickled onions.
09:26You bring them in for me or yourself?
09:29I haven't seen you since the day you and Olive got married.
09:33It doesn't seem like nine years.
09:36It does to me, mate.
09:38Mind you, Olive's put on a bit round the middle.
09:41I didn't notice it when you got your coat on.
09:44Of course they have been married long enough, haven't they?
09:47Is she your mother?
09:49No, she is not.
09:52She's just greedy.
09:55Nine years.
09:58Didn't he have to have an operation?
10:00Yes, seven years ago.
10:03Hasn't done no good.
10:04That has got nothing to do with it.
10:06Perhaps you should have another operation.
10:10You don't shut up, mate. You'll need one.
10:13Funny Stan hasn't got married, isn't it?
10:16Eh?
10:17Hasn't he caught him?
10:19Oh, I don't know.
10:20He goes out with Jack most nights, his conductor.
10:24Oh.
10:28What do you mean, oh?
10:30Well, I hope he's not going to turn out like Uncle Herbert.
10:33Oh, shut up.
10:34Hang on, hang on, hang on.
10:36What is it about Uncle Herbert?
10:38Why shouldn't I turn out like Uncle Herbert?
10:40It's something we don't talk about, love.
10:42Come on, come on. I want to know.
10:44It's very, it's, well, it's just that he was, um...
10:51But it's all right now, cos it's legal.
10:56Oh, I mean, what a family I'm marrying into.
10:59Good job we haven't got any children.
11:01Oh, they wouldn't be like Stan, they'd be like me.
11:03Well, that's a great comfort, isn't it?
11:06I think I'll go to bed.
11:07Will you be all right in Stan's room, love?
11:09Oh, yes.
11:10It's ever so nice of Stan to give his room up for me.
11:13I thought that Marcus could sleep outside in the shed.
11:16Go and get him, Olive.
11:17He can't.
11:19He'll catch his death.
11:21He's ever so delicate.
11:23I noticed that the way he dragged me on the bus.
11:26Marcus is used to bedding down on the sofa.
11:28Otherwise he'd be yelling all night long.
11:31Now, you'll have to go in the front room.
11:34I'm sleeping on the sofa in the front room.
11:36Well, I'm sure you'll both be very happy.
11:39I've felt that.
11:40Marcus will have to go on the sofa.
11:42Otherwise we'll all be up all night.
11:44Look, Aunt, we love having you here, but I'm sorry...
11:46No, no, no.
11:47I'm not going to the sofa.
11:49I'm not having any fun.
11:50I'll tell you what.
11:51Olive, come in with me.
11:52Stan, sleep with Arthur.
11:54Aye.
11:55I have not sleep with him, but that's fine.
11:57You're not...
11:58I'm not particularly about sleeping with you, mate.
12:00And the way you're noshing back them pitwood onions, boy,
12:02I'd rather sleep with a dog anyway.
12:13WHISTLE BLOWS
12:38You can't see me.
12:40Why not?
12:41That's my side.
12:42Get over to the other side.
12:43Oh, don't be childish.
12:44Come on, come on.
12:45I want to get some sleep.
12:46Get over to the other side.
12:47God, blimey, all right.
12:48I've warmed that side now.
12:49Thank you very much.
12:50I do not require your heat.
12:52All right, then.
12:53Oh, go on.
12:54Up again.
12:55Don't be so childish.
13:06Blimey, you're high up, aren't you?
13:08Aye.
13:11I feel like I'm sleeping in a hole.
13:14Yeah, that's where Olive sleeps.
13:17If you want to get this mattress fixed,
13:19blimey, I'm surprised you don't get snuck in it.
13:21No, thank you very much.
13:22I don't want to roll in over my side.
13:29Uncomfortable, I know that.
13:30It's no good, mate.
13:31I can't sleep that side.
13:32Oh, blimey.
13:33Look, mate, I am sleeping here.
13:35I have slept this side for nine years
13:37and Olive has slept that side for nine years.
13:39So have you.
13:40It sounds like the Berlin Wall.
13:43I suppose you do meet at times for checkpoint, Charlie.
13:45Oh, shut up.
13:47You can either sleep there or find somewhere else to sleep.
13:50Oh, right, then.
13:53Oh! Oh!
13:54What's the matter?
13:55Oh, we've got the bottom of this bed
13:57like a ruddy mousetrap or something.
13:59Go on.
14:01Go on, look at that.
14:05It's a curler.
14:07Yes, it's one of Olive's.
14:08Yes, it's one of her.
14:09She's not one of yours.
14:11Charlie, get down there.
14:12Oh, you're likely to find anything down there, mate.
14:15I don't think Olive's ever made her bed.
14:17She just pulls her bedclothes up.
14:39I can't sleep this side.
14:41What's the matter now?
14:42Cos I always sleep on me right side.
14:44What, so?
14:45So?
14:46I'll never get to sleep looking at your clock, will I?
14:49Blimey, stupid!
14:50You won't see me in the dark, will you?
14:52Blimey, I'll smell you, though.
14:55You're breathing pickled onions all over me.
14:58Go on.
14:59Face the other way.
15:00Oh, right, then.
15:01Well, not if I always sleep first.
15:03Oh, right, then.
15:04Oh, right, then.
15:05Oh, right, then.
15:06Well, not if I always sleep facing the door, anyway.
15:14Oi!
15:16Your toenails!
15:17What's wrong with them?
15:18Blimey, mate!
15:19Get them cut, they're like shark's teeth.
15:21You're supposed to cut them, not sharpen them.
15:23Well, sleep with your socks on, if you like.
15:25I thought you always did.
15:26Ah, shut up.
15:27Where's her nail scissors?
15:28I expect they're at the bottom of the bed with a load of rubbish.
15:33God blimey, your breath, mate!
15:37I'm not having my toenails cut unless you suck a peppermint.
15:42Well, I can't find her nail scissors, anyway.
15:44You just keep your feet out of the way, that's all right.
15:47Let's have some sleep.
15:48Oh, no.
15:49Yes!
15:51I lost my coat!
15:56That is not all you've lost.
15:59Do you always put that stuff on your face?
16:01Yeah, it's supposed to make me look prettier.
16:04Yes, it does.
16:05You should use it more often.
16:07Arthur, why do you let Stan say things like that to me?
16:10Because I never think of him first.
16:15Oh, there they are.
16:16How did they get under the bed?
16:18I don't know, mate.
16:19You must have pushed them out the bottom.
16:20If you made the bed a bit more often, you'd find loads of things down here.
16:23Now, come on, let's get some sleep, for goodness sake.
16:27Oh.
16:33Don't I like that?
16:34Eh?
16:35What?
16:36Don't I like that?
16:37You put it out. You got in last.
16:39Oh, don't be stupid.
16:40The light is your side on.
16:41You've always switched it off.
16:43Well, get Olive in to put it out, then.
16:50God, blimey!
16:51Your feet are freezing!
16:53Do you always go to bed with all that muck on your face and them curlers in your hair?
16:57Yeah.
16:58What?
16:59In front of Arthur?
17:00Yeah, why?
17:02Blimey, no wonder I'm not a grandmother.
17:05Oh, Arthur doesn't mind.
17:07Oh, I forgot to kiss him goodnight.
17:09Oh, don't go to him, love.
17:11Let him come to you.
17:13Men only like what they have to put themselves out for.
17:17I don't think he'll come.
17:23Now!
17:25I know why, Arthur.
17:26If I don't kiss him goodnight, he won't be able to sleep.
17:41Olive.
17:42Olive.
17:45Get your...
17:46Get your hand out of it.
17:47I'm not Olive.
17:49Turn over, Olive.
17:50Turn over.
17:52You're snoring.
17:53Turn over.
17:55Turn over.
18:02Stop snoring.
18:05God, blimey!
18:06Turn over, will you?
18:07Turn over, will you?
18:17You're snoring your head off.
18:18You sound like a stuffed pig.
18:20I do not snore.
18:22You do snore.
18:24Blimey, I've never heard anything like it since the silence.
18:26I fell off me bus.
18:28You should hear your mate.
18:29You go...
18:33That means you're bloody well exaggerating.
18:34It's not bloody exaggerating, mate.
18:36And then it's...
18:40Your hand's all over me, mate.
18:42Get in bed, give me some clothes.
18:44And turn over on your side.
18:52Blimey, we're back to the pickled onions now.
18:56Sleep on me back and you can lump it.
18:58And if you don't want to lump it, find someone else to sleep.
19:00I will.
19:01I'm going to have a kip in the kitchen.
19:02All right, good.
19:06I've fed up with it.
19:07And don't tell me you've never shared a bed with anyone who's snored.
19:10I have, but last time it was worthwhile.
19:22Arthur, can I come in?
19:23Oh, what is it?
19:25I can't sleep.
19:27So?
19:28Where's Dan gone?
19:30He's gone down the kitchen.
19:31It's ruddy cold down there.
19:32If I know him, he'll be up in a minute.
19:34Oh, well, I've got this ache in me, Nick.
19:35I want you to rub it with my minty green ointment.
19:38I left the box here somewhere.
19:53God, blimey, even the fire's gone out.
19:55It's freezing cold down here.
19:57I suppose I'll have to put up with him.
19:58I can't stand this.
20:03Will you rub it in?
20:05No.
20:09Oh, come on, Arthur.
20:10I shan't be able to sleep unless you do.
20:12No, I'm too tired.
20:14Oh, come on.
20:19Blimey, she didn't waste much time.
20:23No, not this time of night.
20:25Oh, you are rotten.
20:26You weren't like this when we were first married.
20:30Oh, all right.
20:31Come on, Nick.
20:32Blimey.
20:34Just a minute.
20:35I'll have to pull your dressing gown down.
20:40Come on.
20:41Move me up a little bit.
20:43Come on.
21:03God, blimey.
21:05Once a year and it has to beat the night.
21:12Hello, darling.
21:16Come on, Nick.
21:17So out of it.
21:18Got another turn to do.
21:19Yeah, I know, Nick.
21:20Oh, don't be daft, mate.
21:21I know I've got a stiff neck.
21:23God, I was up all night.
21:24Freezing cold in that flipping chair in the kitchen.
21:27Oh, dear, oh, dear.
21:28Here.
21:29Give some neck a rub, will you, mate?
21:30All right.
21:32Oh, that's lovely.
21:33God, you've got lovely strong fingers, Jack.
21:35Yeah, it comes from counting the coppers.
21:39Oh, yeah.
21:41Oh, more, more, more.
21:42That's lovely, lovely, lovely.
21:46God, I'd take all to Aunt Maude's going to do, I tell you that.
21:48Oh, dear, Edward.
21:49I couldn't stay another night out of my bed, you know.
21:52How are they getting to the station?
21:53By cab.
21:54Oh, I told them.
21:55Never get the dog on the bus.
21:56Sure, all right, mate.
22:02I think you two have been working together a bit too long, don't you?
22:08What's the matter? You want a bit?
22:13Well, you must admit it does look a bit peculiar, doesn't it?
22:17Look, mate, I may be doing it to him, but I'm thinking of her.
22:26Can't we ever let our minds rise to higher things?
22:29Come on, cut it out.
22:30Come on.
22:31Get on that bus and get it out.
22:33Come on.
22:34Try and get it out on time this time, will you?
22:36All right, all right.
22:37Keep your voice down.
22:40That's great, that is, Jack.
22:41I must admit, that's done a lot of good to my neck.
22:43Yeah, I know.
22:44I done it to her once, you know, after the social.
22:46Yeah?
22:47What happened?
22:48Her husband hit me.
22:51Wait for me, love.
22:52Wait.
22:53Has she gone?
22:54Has she gone?
22:55Has she gone?
22:56Has she gone?
22:57Look.
22:58Oh, darling, come on.
22:59What's up?
23:00Didn't the cab come then?
23:01Oh, yes, the cab came.
23:03Took one look at the dog and went.
23:05Without us?
23:06Oh, he was terrible.
23:07He said we should have ordered an horse box.
23:10What are you doing here anyway?
23:11Well, Aunt Maud will have to go to the station on the bus.
23:14Not with that animal.
23:16It wouldn't be our...
23:17Well, Mum, if the expectancies get the dog, we get our cards.
23:20Well, how's she going to get to the station?
23:22It's three miles.
23:23Oh, put a saddle on the dog and ride it there.
23:27She can't do it.
23:28She's going to miss her train.
23:30Well, let her get another cab and catch another train.
23:32Oh, but she can't.
23:33There's only one through train a day.
23:35Oh, well, there's only one thing for it, love.
23:37You'll have to stay another night.
23:39What?
23:40I've got your bedclothes all nice and warm.
23:43Mum, forget it.
23:44Forget it.
23:45Aunt, get on the bus.
23:46Get on the bus.
23:47Get on the bus.
23:48Get on the bus.
23:49Get on the bus.
23:50Get on the bus.
23:51Get on the bus.
23:52Look at you, mate.
23:53Sitting up there out of arm's way.
23:55I am not having that dog nibbling at my pouch.
23:58It's only two minutes to the station, mate.
24:00I am not having it.
24:01Look, my stiff neck.
24:02I am not having it.
24:03That's final.
24:04That's final.
24:05It only leaves one thing for me to do then, doesn't it?
24:52Thank you.
24:53Thank you.
24:54Thank you.
24:55Thank you.
24:56Thank you.
24:57Thank you.
24:58Thank you.
24:59Thank you.
25:00Thank you.
25:01Thank you.
25:02Thank you.
25:03Thank you.
25:04Thank you.
25:05Thank you.
25:06Thank you.
25:07Thank you.
25:08Thank you.
25:09Thank you.
25:10Thank you.
25:11Thank you.
25:12Thank you.
25:13Thank you.
25:14Thank you.
25:15Thank you.
25:16Thank you.
25:17Thank you.
25:18Thank you.
25:19Thank you.
25:20Thank you.