With the women of the family down with flu Arthur and Stan must play nursemaid but then Arthur also catches the flu, leaving Stan to cook - at which he is dreadful - and shop and clean,in addition to his day job. Eventually the family goes to recuperate at Aunt Maud's house and Stan decides to throw a party to celebrate, only to go down with the flu himself
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TVTranscript
00:00Number one, production number 0276, VTR 10-569, part one, take one.
01:00Hey. Hello, Bobby.
01:17Here, stick this inside, will you? That's it.
01:21What's it? Blimey, there's eggs in there.
01:24Look, you're late. Get in that cab.
01:26Look, I got here seven minutes early to do that shopping.
01:28Yeah, well, now we're eight minutes late.
01:30You're a lousy shopper. Get in that cab.
01:39Hang on a minute.
01:44Bobby, what's up now?
01:45I forgot my stamps.
01:58Here, you didn't let that bloke put his case on my shopping, did you?
02:12Look, I've had hundreds of passengers on and off this bus.
02:14I haven't had a chance to keep an eye on your frozen veg.
02:17You shouldn't put your shopping on the bus.
02:19Look, I've told you before I've got the old lady and Olive down with the flu.
02:22Blimey, somebody's got to do it, hasn't he?
02:24Yeah.
02:25Well, then.
02:28Oh, no.
02:30You clumsy idiot.
02:31I couldn't help it.
02:32Here, watch it. Here comes a good start.
02:35Late again, butler.
02:36Yeah.
02:37What's it this time, eh? What is it?
02:43What's that?
02:45That is... Yeah.
02:48You had livestock on the bus, haven't you?
02:51Ah, it's just the appropriate amount.
02:54Egg?
02:55Yeah.
02:56I can see it's an egg. Well, how did it get down there?
02:58Well, didn't you know? We've got N on top.
03:01Twit.
03:03There's another one.
03:04Where are they all coming from?
03:06Oh, come on, give us this. Come to my shopping. Come on, don't...
03:08Your shopping?
03:09Yeah.
03:10You know the regulations, butler.
03:11What?
03:12Eh? I don't know what yours is.
03:13Oh, God, Eddie.
03:14Might be a passenger.
03:15Yeah.
03:16A passenger might lay that on the seat.
03:19I know the rules.
03:20I should hand that in to the lost property.
03:22Yeah, if nobody claims it in three months, it's yours.
03:26Well, you sure lie don't think I'd be fool enough to go and collect it, do you?
03:29After three months, you wouldn't have to.
03:31He'd have come and collect you.
03:33Oh, poo.
03:34Poo, mate.
03:35What?
03:36The smell of that one down there, you won't have to wait three months.
03:39He's right, you know. It's well off.
03:41Well, I mean, that's a liberty.
03:43I paid six bob a dozen for those eggs.
03:44They told me they were farm fresh.
03:46Farm fresh?
03:47Smells like a farmyard.
03:49Ah, don't be ridiculous, mate.
03:50Look, you can see they've got the feathers on them.
03:51Look.
03:52You ignorant moron.
03:53They're duck's feathers.
03:55Probably stuck on with fish glue.
03:58And don't let me catch you using the bus to carry your personal effects either.
04:01I can't help it.
04:02I've got them all down with a flu at home.
04:04Yeah, they'll all be down with food poisoning when they get that lot down there, mate.
04:07Here you are.
04:08You might as well go home and do your arse work.
04:10Little mother.
04:12I'm fine doing that.
04:13My brother-in-law's doing that.
04:14Well done.
04:16I bet you didn't send him to go do the shopping for you.
04:18Farm fresh.
04:20Pooh.
04:21Oof.
04:23Pooh.
04:25Oi!
04:26Oi!
04:31You're leaking all over the very floor, mate.
04:36It's like an extra yoghurt bottle with a button, isn't it?
04:39Well, keep moving.
04:40When you stand still, you make a puddle.
04:43Come on.
04:44Come on.
04:45Get some sawdust and clean that lot up.
04:46What?
04:47You must be joking.
04:48Well, you won't be joking, mate.
04:49If somebody comes round here and slips over and bakes their neck on it.
04:51Yeah?
04:52You try it and see.
05:20Stan?
05:21Stan?
05:22Is that you, Stan?
05:23Yeah, it's me.
05:24I'm home, Mum.
05:25Hey, I'll be up in a minute.
05:26And listen, I've got the shopping.
05:27Did you get me pink stamps?
05:28Yeah, I got your stamps here.
05:29And they're...
05:30No, they're green.
05:31Ah, you went to the wrong shop.
05:32I'm sorry.
05:33I'm sorry.
05:34I'm sorry.
05:35I'm sorry.
05:36I'm sorry.
05:37I'm sorry.
05:38I'm sorry.
05:39I'm sorry.
05:40I'm sorry.
05:41I'm sorry.
05:42I'm sorry.
05:43I'm sorry.
05:44I'm sorry.
05:45I'm sorry.
05:46I'm sorry.
05:47I'm sorry.
05:48Ah, you went to the wrong place.
05:49Can you take the shopping back?
05:50Mum?
05:51Was that Stan just come in?
05:52Yes.
05:53My old water bottle's gone cold and Arthur says he's too busy to change it.
05:54Stan?
05:55I leave that water bottle's gone all cold.
05:56She left her wipe.
05:57I'll bring it up in a minute.
05:58Stan?
05:59Stan?
06:00Stan?
06:01Stan?
06:02Stan?
06:03Stan?
06:04Stan?
06:05Stan?
06:06Stan?
06:07Stan?
06:08Stan?
06:09Stan?
06:10Stan?
06:11Stan?
06:12Stan?
06:13Stan?
06:14Stan?
06:15Stan?
06:16Stan?
06:18Hey Arthur.
06:19I've done the shopping mate.
06:21Take your filthy feet off that floor.
06:23And watch where you're putting that shopping.
06:27I've had to clean everywhere.
06:28And what are you doing home so late?
06:30Have you been drinking with Jack again?
06:32Because I ain't.
06:33No, we're running late.
06:34Oh.
06:35I haven't stopped since I came in from work.
06:38You left this place looking like a pigsty.
06:41I get free breakfast this morning.
06:42That's a lot of grub.
06:43Yeah, I know.
06:44Most of it's on this pan.
06:45That should come off, mate. Because that happens to be a non-stick pan.
06:48It hasn't been stuck on, mate. It's been welded on.
06:55You look cute in your rubber gloves.
06:58You may scoff, mate, but I do not intend getting my hands rough.
07:05Keep them nice and smooth, mate. They'll match the top of your head.
07:10Here, look at that.
07:11What?
07:12I can see my face in there.
07:13God, Blimey, you're a glutton for punishment, aren't you?
07:17Listen, have you given the old lady her medicine?
07:18I have not had time.
07:20Oh, Blimey, what the... I mean, after all, she's had the flu.
07:23I mean, it's left her very weak, you know.
07:27Stan!
07:29Stan!
07:31Stan!
07:35Can I have my tonic?
07:38I don't think I'll give her any.
07:39Blimey, she'll have that broomstick right through the ceiling.
07:42She's getting weaker, mate. Half an hour ago, she did.
07:47Stan! My tonic!
07:51I'll bring it up with your dinner.
07:53Then be a good boy and bring me dinner up.
07:58Blimey, she's getting better, mate.
08:00Here, I'll leave this pan for you. I've got one of my headaches coming on.
08:04Yeah, well, I'll do some of this shopping, mate. I'll do this shopping.
08:09And what... what is that?
08:10That's the butter.
08:14Isn't it marvellous, eh?
08:15I'd bring that 13,000 miles all the way from New Zealand in perfect condition.
08:20You can't bring it half a mile from a shop.
08:22Ah, it got too hot on the bus, I expect.
08:24You get any fruit for the invalids?
08:26Yeah, yeah, I've got some grapes. They're underneath potatoes.
08:30What do you put them under the potatoes for?
08:32Because I bought them first.
08:34You put fragile things on top, mate.
08:37Blimey, I put the eggs on top and they got broke.
08:41And what do you buy an empty carton for?
08:42It wasn't empty. That was the yoghurt.
08:45And what's this?
08:46Ah, that's some tapioca. The doctor said Mum could have some tapioca.
08:48She likes it. It's her favourite.
08:49Here, I'll bet she thinks I forgot it.
08:53Oh, blimey.
08:55What do you want now?
08:57I'll bet you forgot to get me tapioca.
09:02I'm cooking it now.
09:05You must have very hot hands.
09:09I'm going to do it in this other.
09:10Hey, hey, hey, no.
09:12Put this one down.
09:12Don't clean that one.
09:14How about this one then?
09:14That one took me after now.
09:18Well, give us the cat's bowl. I'll do it in there.
09:21Don't be stupid.
09:23Here, cook it in there.
09:24All right, now let me see.
09:25Now I want some milk, some sugar and the tapioca.
09:28That's all right, innit?
09:29Don't ask me, mate. You're the cook.
09:31I'm just the kitchen maid.
09:33I shall be going cream my hands.
09:35Get you, darling.
09:37Now, let's see.
09:38Milk first.
09:40Tapioca pudding should be done by now, aren't they?
09:42What are you talking about?
09:44Your cookbook said two hours at number three.
09:46I couldn't wait that long,
09:47so I gave it half hour at number 12.
09:51It's not the same.
09:53What a lot of rot you two talk.
09:56Of course it's not the same.
09:57No, no.
09:59What's the matter with that then, eh?
10:03Well, that shrunk a bit, didn't it?
10:04Yeah, well, they always do when you cook them, don't they?
10:06I'll try a bit from the side.
10:10Blimey, it's a bit solid, isn't it?
10:20That's a pretty big spoonful, isn't it?
10:23Blimey, I've never seen anything like that before.
10:26I had when they were building the M1.
10:30What are you talking about?
10:31There's nothing wrong with it.
10:31It wasn't thinning out with a drop of milk at all.
10:35God, blimey, it's waterproof.
10:37You know what?
10:38You could patent that, mate.
10:40No, I reckon you've discovered a new type of plastic.
10:43You can't give that to Ma to eat.
10:45What's she ever done to you?
10:46What's wrong with it?
10:47Blimey, it's only milk, sugar and tapioca.
10:49You try a bit.
10:50No, thank you.
10:51I am not a tapioca person.
10:54And I'm not feeling so good.
10:55You try it.
10:57No, I'll give Mum a bit.
11:00She'll tell me if it's any good or not.
11:08Mum, the old water bottle's freezing.
11:10Shall I go down and fill it?
11:12No, love, you stay here.
11:13Let Stan do it.
11:14Oh, all right.
11:17Here, Mum.
11:17Oh.
11:18Hello, Olive.
11:19Olive.
11:19Feeling better?
11:20Look, I made you some tapioca.
11:22It didn't come out quite right, though.
11:24Oh, it looks delicious.
11:26Yeah, well, you'd better try it first.
11:28Yes, yes.
11:31Yes, it's good.
11:32It's good, isn't it?
11:33Yes, it's good.
11:34It's good, isn't it?
11:34It's good, isn't it?
11:35It's good, isn't it?
11:36It's good, isn't it?
11:37Yes.
11:38Very nice.
11:42It's different.
11:45Delicious.
11:47Can you fill my hot water bottle, please, Stan?
11:50God, blimey, I'm up and down these stairs.
11:52I'm worn out.
11:53Good job I'm a driver and not a conductor.
11:57What?
11:57Blimey!
12:01Oh, I thought you'd just told Stan it was delicious.
12:03Well, milk's all right, but I didn't want to upset him.
12:06What am I going to do with it?
12:07Oh, I know.
12:08I'll give it to Russ.
12:10Come on, love.
12:12There you are.
12:13Oh, blimey.
12:13Oh, give here a box too, Mum.
12:15What?
12:25Ah, you always was a clever girl.
12:27Quick thinker.
12:28Here, give it to Stan.
12:29Stan's coming.
12:32Here, I'll shut the water bottle.
12:33Thanks, love.
12:34The kettle was boiling, see?
12:35Be careful, it's hot.
12:37Blimey, you soon hit that.
12:38Yes.
12:38Here, want some more, then?
12:39No, no, no, thanks, love.
12:40Well, there's plenty downstairs.
12:41No, no, I don't want to make a pig of meself, love.
12:43All right, then.
12:44Now, is there anything else you want me to do before I go?
12:46Oh, yes, just a few things.
12:47Wait a minute, I'll put me glasses on.
12:48I've got a list here for you.
12:49What have you done with it, Russ?
12:50A list?
12:51Yes, I've got a lovely list here.
12:53Come on, Russ.
12:53Here, let's read this list.
12:55Here it is.
12:56Take our new prescription to the chemist and bring back the medicine.
12:59Medicine?
12:59What are you talking about, blimey?
13:01You've got all this luck here, look.
13:02Well, blimey, that was when we was ill.
13:04Now we're getting better, it's different.
13:06Get olive sickness benefit, get me old age pension, get the insurance paid,
13:11get some nice fresh fish.
13:12Is that all?
13:13That's all on this page.
13:15Get some oranges, get some apples.
13:17Oh, blimey, why can't she do something?
13:18Well, she has, dear.
13:19She made the list out.
13:22Well, I'll have to do something.
13:23I can't do all this work on me own.
13:26What's the matter with you?
13:29I thought so.
13:30102.5.
13:33I've got the flu, mate.
13:34You'll have to carry on without me.
13:36God, blimey, that's all I needed.
13:39Well, isn't it lucky we're all ill together, Stan?
13:42Oh, very lucky.
13:44Yes, you'll just have to go to bed for a few days.
13:46Oh, well, that's not too bad, love.
13:48I'll be in bed all day with you.
13:52Blimey, having flu's going to be worse than I thought.
14:00So...
14:26Kevin!
14:28Kevin!
14:30Kevin!
14:31Oh, blimey.
14:34Excuse me, darling.
14:35Is your husband at home?
14:40Shut up.
14:41Wipe your feet.
14:42Wipe your feet.
14:42All right, all right.
14:43Come on, Stan, we're due out in half an hour.
14:45I can't go yet, blimey.
14:47I'll have to wait, mate.
14:47I haven't taken the breakfast up yet.
14:49Well, get your skates on, will you?
14:52Don't knock your ass all over my floor.
14:55All right, where's the ashtray?
14:57Not in there, blimey.
14:58Can't you see it's clean?
15:00I'll swallow it if you like.
15:03I'm getting rid of it tomorrow, thank God.
15:04Oh, yeah?
15:05What's it going to be?
15:06Arsenic in the cocoa or weed killer in the centipods?
15:09No, the doctor said mum was strong enough to travel,
15:12so I'm banging them off down to her sister at Thorpe Bay.
15:14Oh, now, that is a good idea, that is.
15:17What's that smell?
15:18What smell?
15:20The milk!
15:21God, blimey.
15:26God, blimey, it's all your fault, innit?
15:28My fault?
15:29Well, if you'd been late as usual, this wouldn't have happened.
15:32It's all right, you can boil that and have a look.
15:34I can't.
15:35I've used up three saucepans already.
15:38Here you are, use that.
15:39That's no good.
15:40Why not?
15:41I ain't got no milk.
15:42Here.
15:44Sid, what about our breakfast?
15:46Shut up!
15:47I'll bring it up in a minute.
15:49Let me give her the leech.
15:52God, the toast, the toast!
15:56Here, this grill pan's all full of milk.
15:58I'll sling it down the sink.
15:59No, no, no, don't waste it.
16:01I'll give that to Arthur.
16:04But that's all greasy.
16:06I know, I cooked some lamb chops with it last night.
16:10He moaned there was no gravy,
16:11so he can have it with his milk this morning.
16:14Well, it'll taste of lamb chops.
16:16I'll tell him it's lamb's milk.
16:19Stan!
16:21Don't forget my pills!
16:24God, blimey, no wonder I can't sweep the floor,
16:25they've got all the brooms upstairs.
16:29I'll bring it up with your breakfast!
16:33What a life this is, mate.
16:35Where's her head?
16:35That's it.
16:40Sure you can manage, all right?
16:42Ah, shut your gob.
16:47Come on, make some room for the tray.
16:51Here.
16:52Is there one of your tissues?
16:54He said he's marvellous.
16:56When anyone else takes out a tissue, another one pops up.
16:58You take out a tissue, nothing pops up.
17:01Don't shout at me, I can't help it if nothing happens.
17:05Nothing ever happens with you.
17:10Oh, thank goodness.
17:11Go on, quick, cop.
17:12Go on, blimey, I've got a lot here, cop hold of it.
17:14Here you are, here's yours, lad.
17:16That's it.
17:16Do something, do something.
17:17Thank you.
17:18Here we are.
17:18Here you are.
17:19Thanks very much.
17:20Thank you.
17:20Thank you.
17:23Your little chip's all right, I suppose.
17:33Oh, love.
17:34Nice cup of tea, some prunes, and here's your pills, look.
17:36Oh, thanks, love.
17:37I put them on there.
17:38It wasn't too much bother for you, was it?
17:40No, no.
17:40Didn't have no trouble in the kitchen?
17:42Oh, no, no, no, it's all right, no.
17:44You eat your prunes up.
17:45I want you to be nice and strong for when you travel tomorrow, see?
17:47Oh, love, that reminds me.
17:48You'd better take the washing round to the laundry yet.
17:50I'll have to do that next week.
17:51No, love, it must go today.
17:52You see, we can't go away unless we're all clean.
17:55I've got three shifts to do, mum.
17:57For God's sake, I won't be able to do it.
17:59All right, love, never mind.
18:00I'll manage to get downstairs somehow.
18:02Of course, if I hurt myself and can't go tomorrow.
18:04Here we go again.
18:05All right, I've heard it all before.
18:07All right, all right.
18:08Come on, come on.
18:09Where is it?
18:09Where is it?
18:10Under the bed.
18:12Oh, love, you'd better take these couple of towels with you as well.
18:15Yes, all right.
18:15We want to be nice and clean.
18:16Here, wait a minute.
18:17There's something else here.
18:18Some nice, yes, there you are.
18:19There's that.
18:20There's me serviettes here.
18:21And here's me bed jacket.
18:22Well, wait a minute.
18:26What are you doing?
18:26Me bed socks.
18:29Can't go up and out.
18:29I thought you was taking the sheets off in the bed for a minute.
18:32Get up, get up.
18:34Be a good boy.
18:35A good boy?
18:35I haven't got time to be bad.
18:49Hey, you!
18:50Hey, you!
18:50That's my laundry.
18:51No, it's mine.
18:52No, it's mine.
18:52This is yours.
18:53It's mine.
18:54Mine's in the blue bag.
18:55That's mine.
18:55That's yours.
18:56That's my laundry.
18:57Just a minute.
18:57How do you know it's yours?
18:58Is that yours?
19:06Here, let's take it on the bus, will you?
19:09What were you doing with that bird?
19:10Trying to pinch her bra.
19:11God, blimey, the first she went, you thought she was wearing it.
19:13Yeah, well, it's a nice thought, though.
19:15Get in the cab.
19:20Get in the cab.
19:34Done.
19:35Yes, that's my laundry there.
19:39I've disemboweled enough of you.
19:40Why?
19:41The other day, it was a shopping.
19:43Today, it's a laundry.
19:45Yeah, that's right, yeah.
19:46You know the regulations as well as I do.
19:48Busmen will not use the buses to carry their personal effects.
19:51Yeah, well, I've got to get on because they're waiting for it, my...
19:53Hold on.
19:54I don't know if they're yours.
19:55What do you mean?
19:56I know you busmen's tricks.
19:58Claiming lost property is your own.
19:59Oh, come off it.
20:00I think I'll prove it's his.
20:01Well, prove it, then.
20:02Go on, then.
20:02What's on top?
20:03Go on, what's on top?
20:05Right.
20:06What, these yours, are they?
20:09You're long combs.
20:12Your sister's tights.
20:12Don't mess about.
20:13What, these?
20:14Yeah, they're mine.
20:15What, these yours?
20:19Don't mess about.
20:20Your pants, are they?
20:21Yeah, what's that?
20:22Put with the leopard spots.
20:25Your pants.
20:26Shut up.
20:31Tarzan and the buses.
20:37How do I know they're yours?
20:38I put them on every Saturday night, don't I?
20:40Any witnesses?
20:41Uh-uh, hang on.
20:42As shop steward, I'm here to tell you,
20:44you don't have to expose your private life to an inspector.
20:48I mean, can anyone identify them for you?
20:51Yeah, well, one of the Clippers.
20:55Yeah, artist from Basildon.
20:57She's seen them.
20:59Has she?
20:59Yeah, don't look like that.
21:01She gave them to me as a Christmas present.
21:02Yeah, hasn't done her much good.
21:03She hasn't seen them since.
21:07How do you know?
21:11Has it got a hole in it?
21:12Well, of course it has.
21:14That's the way they're made, isn't it?
21:16No, he didn't mean that one, Jack.
21:18You mean, uh...
21:19You mean that hole in the back, don't you?
21:22Well, that's where I caught myself on a cabin,
21:23a screw in the cab, you see.
21:25And I had to put in for a new pair of trousers.
21:26You remember that, Jack?
21:27Yeah, I'll bring it up at the union.
21:28You can put in for a new pair of underpants as well.
21:31I thought my wife runs on your agenda.
21:33Now, come on, give it back.
21:34You know my wife.
21:35Come on.
21:35Yes, well, it seems you can identify them.
21:38But don't you let me catch you using a bus
21:39and carry your personal effects again.
21:41Yeah, well, anyway, come on.
21:41I want it all back,
21:42because my family got to get packed up.
21:44They're going away tomorrow.
21:45I'm not surprised if you're wearing things like that.
21:48What do you go around the house
21:49swinging from chandelier to chandelier, do you?
22:06Carl's here, Mr. Beat.
22:07Oh.
22:08Oh, well, I may as well go.
22:09Have a good rest and don't hurry back now.
22:11Now, are you sure you'll be all right, love?
22:13I mean, can you cook for yourself?
22:15Blimey, I've been cooking for you three all the week, haven't I?
22:18That's one of the main reasons why we're going away.
22:21Well, I'll make a menu out.
22:23Well, blimey, Mum, I know what to eat, don't I?
22:25Oh, it's not for you, love.
22:26It's for the cat.
22:27Oh, I'll give it a drop of milk.
22:28No, no.
22:29It's got to have boiled cod and minced liver,
22:31then stewed beef,
22:32then minced vegetables
22:33and a nice little bit of chopped up heart.
22:35I'll give it some grapefruit for starters, if you like.
22:37Oh, very nice.
22:38Only chop it up and take the pips out.
22:41I think we'd better get going, Mr. Beat.
22:43Here, don't let us stop you with the washing up.
22:45Jack will see us to the car.
22:46Right-o, love.
22:47Ta-ra.
22:48Come on, then.
22:48Hold it here, Mr. Beat.
22:49Head him off to the sky, love.
22:51Now, look, Olive, Arthur,
22:53get well quickly,
22:54and then you can enjoy yourselves.
22:56Yeah.
22:57Well, I think we'll just get well quickly.
23:00Come on, Sunshine.
23:01Bye, everyone.
23:03All right, Miss Lee, all aboard.
23:04That's the way.
23:08Here you are, Jack.
23:10There you go, Arthur, Olive.
23:11That's it.
23:12Here you go, Sunshine.
23:14Oh, Arthur, we're just like a second honeymoon.
23:17Yeah, exactly the same.
23:23There you go, Arthur.
23:23Tuck your bottom in.
23:25Over the top now.
23:28Get well soon.
23:29Over the top now.
23:30Take care.
23:31There you go.
23:32All right.
23:33Ta-ra.
23:39Well, that's it.
23:39We got rid of them, Stan.
23:41They're all gone now.
23:41Get the birds in, eh?
23:43Hey, what's wrong, mate?
23:45You all right?
23:47Oh, blimey, mate.
23:50I didn't want to tell the old lady,
23:52but I feel lousy.
23:55No, I think that's 102, innit?
23:57You're kidding yourself, mate.
23:58That's nowhere near 102.
24:00It's 103.5.
24:03You got the flu.
24:04I'm not surprised.
24:05They've all three of them, innit, haven't they?
24:06God, blimey, they're not catching.
24:08Yeah.
24:08Yes, it must be.
24:09Yeah.
24:11Hey, Jack, mate.
24:11What am I going to do, mate?
24:12Oh, don't you worry.
24:13You go to bed and I'll fix everything.
24:15Oh, good.
24:15You look after me.
24:16No, I'll fix everything at the depot.
24:18Get myself a new driver.
24:19Look, don't forget, mate.
24:20We're only next door,
24:21so if you want anything,
24:22just bang on the wall.
24:24If we don't hear you,
24:25we'll know you're all right.
24:26Or I've snuffed it.
24:28Yeah, well, either way,
24:29you won't need any help, will you?