105.On The Buses.The new inspector
When a vacancy arises for an inspector the crew-men are not keen to apply,fearing that they will end up like Blakey. But needs must in the Butler household as Mum needs a new coat and Stan takes the vacancy. However he soon realises that he is better off doing his old job and is happy to return to the ranks
Transcript
00:00♪
00:17APPLAUSE
00:43Well, that's it. Shift up for another couple of hours, Jack.
00:46What's he doing here? What's this up here, then?
00:48Staff vacancy. Application's invited for the post of assistant inspector.
00:52Oh, yeah? Good advertise for him now.
00:54I thought they'd got him from the Chamber of Horrors.
00:56LAUGHTER
00:58Nah, they're just stick a wanting notice up outside the police stations.
01:01You can laugh. That's a responsible position.
01:04Two pound a week extra in status.
01:06That's no good to me, mate. I'm shop steward.
01:08I don't want a job where I have to report my mates to the management.
01:11No, of course not, no. You sooner report them to the trade union.
01:15This is a chance to better yourself.
01:17I don't know what you're doing in this job, mate. You're wasting your time.
01:20You could have made a film shooting on the films.
01:22Oh, yeah? Playing Dracula.
01:24LAUGHTER
01:26Oh, very droll.
01:28LAUGHTER
01:30No, he's dead right.
01:31I mean, before you become an inspector,
01:33you have to have all your teeth taken out and a couple of fangs put in instead.
01:37LAUGHTER
01:39With your front choppers, mate, you wouldn't have to bother.
01:41LAUGHTER
01:43You two blokes don't know a good opportunity when you see one.
01:46I had to wait years and years for the chief inspector before me to retire.
01:49What, him? Oh, bloody, he didn't retire.
01:51He went to Russia to carry out Stalin's purge.
01:54Wrong again. He went to Bognor to grow roses.
01:57LAUGHTER
01:58Here, Flaky, what are you going to do when you retire?
02:00Oh, he's got a job ready made for him, he has.
02:02What?
02:03Undertaker.
02:04LAUGHTER
02:05That wouldn't be any good.
02:07He'd report the hearse for being two minutes late.
02:09LAUGHTER
02:10It would be if you were driving it.
02:12Oh.
02:13I don't suppose either of yous twos want your name put down for this, do you?
02:16What, mate?
02:17God, you must be joking.
02:18The only good thing about it is a couple of quid extra that goes with it.
02:21Ah, forget it.
02:22Yeah, you might as well.
02:23Neither of yous twos smart enough for the job.
02:25Look at the style of your look.
02:27Scruffy-looking pair of...
02:28Cool.
02:29I'd like to see either of you have to come to work like me,
02:31wearing a shirt with a starched collar.
02:34The way he walks, they've starched his shirt and all.
02:36LAUGHTER
02:38See you in a couple of hours' time, mate.
02:40Oh, mate.
02:45Looking for a job, then?
02:46MUSIC PLAYS
02:52Ah.
02:55Hi, Lovie.
02:56Hello, love.
02:58Oh, thank you very much.
02:59Ha, ha, ha.
03:00Caught you, didn't it, eh?
03:01Get your own papers, mate.
03:04That's funny.
03:05I could have sworn I left a fair gap here on the mental piece this morning.
03:07Yeah, you did. I'm smoking it.
03:09I thought it was one of mine.
03:10One of yours on the mental piece?
03:12You keep yours in the bedroom in a little black box underneath the floorboard.
03:15Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, Olive.
03:18Put the kettle on and give your brother some tea, love.
03:20Oh, wait a minute, let me clear my chest first.
03:24Blimey, get me tea first, will you?
03:26I've got to be back at the depot in a couple of hours.
03:28Oh.
03:32Mum, why can't you get it?
03:33Cos I've got to mend me coat first.
03:35I can't go out like this, you know, all the lining's torn,
03:37the hem's gone all to pieces and there's an awful hole in the pocket.
03:41Why don't you put your best one on?
03:42This is me best one.
03:43Well, why don't you get a new one?
03:45Well, they're so expensive.
03:46I saw a lovely one in Jones the other day.
03:48It was 14 guineas hanging up in the window.
03:50Well, of course, that was out of the question.
03:52Well, you got your clothes money in this little box, didn't you?
03:54Yeah, I did, but I used to use my coat money for the gas bill.
03:58Why?
03:59Because I had to use the gas money to pay the electric.
04:02Blimey, I'd have to work that system out.
04:04Here, Arthur.
04:05Why don't you ship in a few quid and get Mum a coat?
04:07Yeah, well, of course I'd like to.
04:09I mean, I know my duty as a son-in-law,
04:11but I have had one or two expenses lately.
04:13I mean, it's not as if Olive's working.
04:15She's always ill.
04:16No, no, Mum, no.
04:17Now I come to think of it, you must have a new coat.
04:19I mean, it's not fair you're walking about with that thing.
04:21No, leave it to me. I'll think of something.
04:23Well, I don't know.
04:25If I'm going to have a new coat, I'll have to do the same as Rusty.
04:28Grow it myself.
04:29Won't I, love?
04:32So, in spite of all that,
04:34you still fancy yourself as an inspector, do you?
04:36Yeah. Do you think I'll get the job then?
04:38Oh, undoubtably, yes, yes.
04:40In fact, I'd go so far as to say you're bound to get it.
04:44Yeah.
04:45Oh, yeah?
04:46And what makes you think I'll get the job then?
04:48Well, you're the only one who's applied for it.
04:51Take the notice down, shall I?
04:53Yeah.
04:54Mind you, if it wasn't for the diabolic or shortage,
04:58you would never have stood a chance.
05:00Why not?
05:01Well, there are certain physical requirements, you know.
05:04Blimey, I'm only asking to be an inspector,
05:06not to be put out the stud.
05:08Yes, but there's a certain minimum height.
05:11What do you go?
05:13Five foot nine.
05:16With me hat on, of course.
05:18Yes, well, I'll have a word with the staff.
05:23Hiya, mate.
05:24Oh, they've taken the notice down.
05:26Somebody must have applied for the job.
05:28I wonder who that was.
05:29Well, it's a matter of fact.
05:30I wouldn't like to be in his shoes, would you, eh?
05:33No, no.
05:34Ah, inspectors.
05:36Of course, you're a driver.
05:38You don't know what us conductors can do to them perishes.
05:41Make their lives a hell on earth.
05:43Yes, well, I've had a word with the staff manager.
05:45I'll talk about it later.
05:46No, no, no, it's perfectly all right.
05:48It's all fixed.
05:49I'll talk about it later.
05:50It's all fixed, mate.
05:51You start work tomorrow morning as assistant inspector.
05:54You would put him for that job?
05:57You?
05:58Well, let's face it.
05:59Somebody had to take the job.
06:01There's a limit to what a human being can stoop to.
06:04Well, the truth is I needed the extra money.
06:06So did the train robbers.
06:09I don't know what the fuss is about, mate.
06:11I mean, I'm still the same bloke.
06:12I mean, we work together.
06:13I mean, it could be easy.
06:15I mean, I'm one of you.
06:17How can you be one of us if you're one of them?
06:28Oh, blimey, Mum.
06:30You still bending that old coat?
06:31Well, you know, I don't know whether this coat wants a new lining
06:34or the lining wants a new coat.
06:36Still, the buttons are very nice.
06:38Well, I tell you what, me old darling.
06:40Yeah, love?
06:41You can chuck that thing away.
06:42I've got a surprise for you.
06:43Really?
06:44Yeah.
06:45What is it?
06:46Now, don't get excited.
06:47Wait a minute.
06:48Oh, I'm excited.
06:49Come on.
06:50Wait a minute, Mum.
06:51Well, I'm waiting.
06:52Come on.
06:53Don't keep me waiting.
06:54What is it?
06:55Well, shut your eyes.
06:56All right, all right.
06:57Promise, shut your eyes.
06:58I've got to touch it.
06:59Well, don't open them till I tell you to.
07:00I know.
07:01They're shut tight.
07:02Come on.
07:03All right, open them, open them.
07:04Oh, what a beautiful coat.
07:07I thought you had to wear it in, lost property.
07:09Yeah.
07:10No, no, no, that was the one in Jones's,
07:14the one I saw in the window I had my eye on.
07:16That's the one.
07:17I knew you wanted a new coat and, well, I managed it.
07:19And where's yours?
07:20Oh, mine?
07:22Mm-hmm.
07:23All mine?
07:24Yeah, yeah.
07:25It's in the window and, well, I've got it for you.
07:27What do you do, break the glass?
07:29No, I pay for it in cash.
07:32All pay for?
07:33Well, in 36 weeks' time it will be.
07:35Oh, dear.
07:36Oh, Stan, you won't be able to afford all the payments.
07:39Yeah, get away.
07:40It's only ten bob a week.
07:41Besides, here, I've got something to tell you.
07:43Arthur, Arthur.
07:44Yes?
07:45I've been promoted.
07:46You what?
07:47No!
07:48Yeah, they've selected me to be an inspector.
07:50You?
07:51Yeah.
07:52An inspector?
07:53Yeah.
07:54I'm the only one who applied.
07:55Oh.
07:56What are you talking about?
07:57There was dozens of them applied for the job.
07:59Oh, Stan, I'm proud of you, darling.
08:01Yeah.
08:02I'm really proud of you.
08:03I knew you'd...
08:04I knew you'd be able to do something like that.
08:06All your mates must be excited you've been promoted.
08:09Delighted.
08:11Didn't anyone hear the front doorbell?
08:13What?
08:14Has Jack come to see you?
08:15Oh, he's come to congratulate you.
08:17I don't know about that.
08:18Oh, good evening, Mr B.
08:19Oh, hello, Jack.
08:20Arthur.
08:21Oh, I left my dartboard here the other evening.
08:23Yes, behind the sideboard.
08:24Huh.
08:25Of course I forgot.
08:26It's our practice night for dance tonight, isn't it?
08:28No, I've come to take my dartboard back.
08:30Oh, I see.
08:31We're practicing round your house.
08:32All right, I'll come round there, then.
08:33I shouldn't bother.
08:34You've been dropped from the team.
08:35Well, I mean, we can't have an inspector play for the team, can we?
08:38I mean, put the lads off their game, wouldn't it?
08:40Oh, Tom.
08:41Well, I won't keep you inspector.
08:43You've got to swallow up your rule book, I expect.
08:45I'll see you tomorrow.
08:47And take care.
08:50Oh, Stan.
08:53Jack, it was very strange.
08:55There won't be no arm or no arm presses between you and your mates, will there?
08:59No, no, no.
09:00I'll take your notice, Mum.
09:01It's a bit of jealousy.
09:02It's always like that when somebody gets on in the world.
09:04Now, don't you worry about it, love.
09:06Well, all right.
09:07I think I'll go to the supermarket and do some shopping.
09:10I thought you did that this afternoon.
09:12We did.
09:13We got everything.
09:14Yeah, well, I'm going to buy some budgie seeds.
09:17Blimey, we ain't got a budgie.
09:19Well, I know.
09:20It's only ninepence and it's worth it to show off a new coat.
09:25Thank you, Ma.
09:26Mind you, I've only got time to eat it.
09:28Everyone's gone potty in this house today.
09:30Stan was in the bathroom over an hour.
09:32Well, it's his first day as an inspector.
09:34Yeah, well, I thought he was going to be a bus inspector, not a sanitary inspector.
09:37I don't know.
09:40Good morning, all.
09:41Oh.
09:43Don't he look distinctive?
09:46No.
09:48Oh, I don't agree.
09:50I think he looks fine in that uniform.
09:52Just like Lord Louis Malbec.
09:54Yeah.
09:55Just dropped him for breakfast of bangers and beans, no doubt.
09:58What were you in the bathroom so long for?
10:00Well, I had to have a nice close shave, didn't I?
10:03I mean, I've got to set an example to my conductors and drivers and busmen.
10:08You shave your legs as well, set an example to the clippies.
10:12Put your hat on, love.
10:14Oh.
10:17Oh, it does suit you.
10:19Yeah.
10:20Oh, it's half his face.
10:21Yeah, well, I admit it's a bit on the big side.
10:23Olive, stick a bit of paper under the brim, will you, for us?
10:26Here, Mum.
10:27Where's me tie? Is it straight?
10:28Oh, smashing, love.
10:30I always think that a stiff collar does something for a man.
10:34Yeah, it strangles him.
10:36Blimey, it's half tight, this one.
10:37Look, it'll be ever so cold out.
10:39You must put on your scarf, love.
10:41Good idea, Mum, very good idea.
10:43That's right.
10:44Very good idea.
10:45Oh, dear, dear.
10:47Oh, well.
10:48Oh, well, put it over your ears, love.
10:51What are you doing? I'll do it.
10:54That's absolutely ridiculous, mate. You look stupid.
10:57Well, love, you've got weak ears.
10:59Yeah, match his head.
11:02Don't be so ridiculous. I haven't got weak ears.
11:04No, no, don't tell that to your mum.
11:06I used to have cotton wool soaked in oil and put it in your ears each day.
11:10Don't you remember?
11:11I remember that all right.
11:12I used to go to school smelling like a fish shop.
11:15All the boys used to call me Stinky Stan.
11:18No, I don't want the scarf anyway.
11:19I've got to look distinguished, there's no doubt about that.
11:21I've got to start with my bus, haven't I?
11:23I've got to see that those buses go out on time.
11:25Blimey, take a better man than you.
11:27I've been trying to catch the six o'clock every evening.
11:29It always moves off at five two.
11:31That's done for years.
11:32I shall be on that bus tonight and I'll see you catch it.
11:35It will not go out till six o'clock.
11:37I see.
11:38Right, now I'm going to try my new coat on.
11:40Yes, I'll try mine on too.
11:44So excited.
11:52Blimey, you're not coming with me, are you?
11:54No, I'm going to bring the milk in.
11:57If you've got something nice you want to show it off.
12:06Right.
12:07Rule book.
12:08Rule book.
12:09Clipboard.
12:10Clipboard.
12:11Inspector's pencils.
12:12Inspector's pencils.
12:13Right.
12:14You'll find the first day is the worst.
12:17Of course, it's all right if you're a born leader.
12:19Of course, yes.
12:20So I'm afraid you're in for a hell of a time.
12:23Well, don't worry.
12:24If anything goes wrong, I'll report it.
12:26That's right.
12:27If there's something wrong, you report it.
12:29And if there's nothing wrong, you report it just the same.
12:31Oh.
12:32Right.
12:33You're on your own.
12:35Oh.
12:36Morning, Bill. Morning, Sid.
12:41Oh, look what we've got here.
12:43Hitler's deputy.
12:44Good morning, sir.
12:46Morning, Jack.
12:47Do you mind, mate? Put that fag out.
12:49Huh? Why?
12:50Oh, now, come off it.
12:51You can see up there.
12:52It says, no smoking on that sign.
12:54Oh, yeah.
12:55But I'm not smoking on that sign.
12:57No, don't be funny.
12:58Put the fag out.
13:01Another thing.
13:02You have incorrect demeanour.
13:04You should be wearing a collar and tie.
13:06I am wearing a collar and tie.
13:16See you when you come off duty, love, eh?
13:18Sure.
13:19Thanks, darling.
13:20You've got a nerve coming on duty looking like that.
13:23I should worry.
13:25It's all right for some people.
13:26You can do as you like when you're just good friends with one of the bosses.
13:29Oh, shut up.
13:30Shut up.
13:31Brazen bitch.
13:32One of the old depot doesn't know.
13:37Nothing wrong with her uniform, is there?
13:41Don't worry, Jack, I know the rules.
13:47Excuse me, miss.
13:49Are you in this number nine?
13:50I am.
13:51Well, you know the regulations.
13:53I can't allow you to get on this bus with a skirt like that.
13:55And what's wrong with my skirt?
13:57Well, if I could see it, I'd tell you.
14:01Have you read the rule book?
14:02No.
14:03Why not?
14:04Well, it's hardly painted place, is it?
14:06Right, don't be funny.
14:07I'll read them out to you, shall I?
14:08Here we are.
14:09Appendix three.
14:10Conductress says mini skirts should not be more than two inches above the knee.
14:16Well, that's about right, innit?
14:20I said two inches above the knee, not two inches below the waist.
14:23Now, look.
14:24My pencil, my pencil here, is about nine inches long.
14:26Now, that must be ten inches short.
14:28Hello, hello, hello.
14:30What's he inspecting now?
14:32Look, love, I'm the shop steward.
14:34You don't have to suffer liberties from the management like that.
14:37Oh, cut.
14:38Jack, cut my feet.
14:39Look at that skirt.
14:40What's wrong with it?
14:41Blimey, you can see everything.
14:42My Adam's apple.
14:45Very nice, too.
14:46Makes travelling a pleasure.
14:49Blimey, even a pouch comes below a skirt.
14:51As shop steward, I see nothing wrong with that skirt.
14:55I wouldn't mind, but, blimey, she's on a double-decker.
14:57You get some very funny people standing on the platforms in these buses.
15:00Yeah, I know.
15:01They call them inspectors.
15:05I'm going to report you, miss.
15:06What's the delay, then?
15:07I think her skirt should come down.
15:14Look, mate.
15:15Stop thinking about getting her skirt down and get that bus out.
15:18Go on.
15:19I'm only going to the rules.
15:20Get it out. Go on.
15:21Oh, just saying. Rules, that's all.
15:27Oh, my God.
15:57You've done everything wrong.
15:58I don't know how you got the job.
15:59I can tell you, Sonny.
16:00But you're not old enough.
16:01Right.
16:02I'll report you for insolence.
16:03Get lost.
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20:37Oh.
20:38Oh.
20:39Oh.
20:40Oh.
20:41Oh.
20:42Oh.
20:43Oh.
20:44Oh.
20:45Oh.
20:46Oh.
20:48You ever see anything like this happening again?
20:50No, sir.
20:51Have I made myself clear?
20:52No, sir.
20:53Get rid of that moron and do something with these.
20:55I don't want my staff upset.
20:57Come along, my dear.
20:58I want to work with you in the office.
21:00I'll see you later.
21:06Butler.
21:07Thank you, madam.
21:09Goodnight, Jack.
21:11Oh, goodnight, sir.
21:12Thank you.
21:13Watch it.
21:14Butler.
21:15Butler.
21:16What?
21:18You are a useless, incompetent twit.
21:21What? What have I done?
21:23You've been enforcing the rules, haven't you?
21:25Well, that's my job, innit?
21:27You don't force men to work to rule when they're working.
21:29They only work to rule when they're on strike.
21:33Oh, God!
21:34You useless twit.
21:36And as if that wasn't enough,
21:37you made a complaint about a certain Clippy Skirty, didn't you?
21:40Well, I thought she was indecent.
21:42That happens to be the way the manager likes her.
21:46It says in the rule book...
21:47Butler! Butler!
21:48What?
21:49There are things going on at this depot
21:51that have never been in any rule books.
21:55All right, I'm sorry.
21:56But how was I to know she was the manager's...
22:00All right.
22:01I will not make any more complaints tomorrow.
22:03No. No, you won't do that, no.
22:05You'll be too busy driving a bus.
22:09Oh, back to driving, am I?
22:13Rule book.
22:16Clipboard.
22:19Inspector's pencils.
22:21Inspector's pencils.
22:35Stan.
22:36Oh, hello, Mum.
22:37Stan, I... I wanted to speak to you.
22:39Yeah, sorry about that, Mum.
22:40I was having a word with the inspector, see, and I...
22:42What are you doing in your old coat? Where's your new one?
22:44Well, Stan, that's... that's what I wanted to tell you.
22:46What?
22:47I've, er... I've to go back to the shop.
22:49What for?
22:50Well, I've been thinking a lot, Stan,
22:53and, you know, you only took this new job just to pay for it,
22:56didn't you, love?
22:57Ah, not exactly, no.
22:58Stan, I don't think you'll be happy
23:01if your... if your pals didn't talk to you no more.
23:04Ah, well, you know...
23:05Stan, look, I want you to promise me
23:07you'll give up being the inspector.
23:09Give it up? He's just given me the...
23:11Well, you can, can't you?
23:13Oh, yes, yes.
23:14Well, if it makes you happy, Mum, I can, er...
23:16Stan...
23:17I can resign.
23:18Will they be very upset?
23:19Well, they will be, the fellas, but I can handle them, you know.
23:22Hello, Mr B.
23:23Hello, Stan.
23:24Hello, Jack, hello.
23:25Look, Jack, Stan's going to give up being an inspector.
23:27Give it up? Well, I've just, er...
23:29Yes, I was, er... telling Mum I've resigned.
23:32Oh, oh, yes, yes.
23:35Sure, yeah.
23:36Oh, er, Mrs B, be all right if me and a few of the lads
23:38come round for dance practice tonight?
23:40Oh, that'd be lovely.
23:42Well, er, we'll expect you then at 2100 hours.
23:44Oh, very good, sir.
23:48Hey, put that cigarette out.
23:49What do you...?
23:50You know you're not allowed to smoke here.
23:52Why not?
23:53Cos I ain't got one.
23:54What?
23:55Ed, you...
23:56Oh, not now, not now.
24:11APPLAUSE