On an exceptionally foggy night Stan refuses to carry on with the journey unless someone walks in front of the bus with a torch. Blakey refuses,as does Olive,travelling with Mum and Arthur on their way back from seeing Aunt Maud. Olive gets caught short and attracts a cow onto the bus whilst Blakey gets ditch-water in his boots before the fog clears.
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:00Your duet in one minute. Where's your driver?
00:25Ah, he's getting ready.
00:26Getting ready?
00:27Oh, blimey, it's a two-hour journey, mate.
00:29Got to take precautions in this freezing weather.
00:32Cor, we had a right basinful yesterday, right out of the perishing country.
00:36Oh, here he is now.
00:45Lord almighty. What you made up for, Eskimo Neil?
00:50I say, what you made up for, Eskimo Neil? What you made up for?
00:53Corn ear! Corn ear! What did you say?
00:54I'll take them earmuffs off. You can't drive a bus with earmuffs on.
00:57You can't hear, you can't drive, can you?
00:59You must be joking, mate. I'll wear what I like.
01:01Two hours there, two hours back in that freezing countryside.
01:04I'm telling you something, that gibbett hill run is the worst run in the depot.
01:08I know. That's why I put Jews 2 on it.
01:12How long we gonna stay on it, then?
01:14Till I can find a worse one.
01:17Worse one? You must be joking. It's not a worse one.
01:19I tell you what, that's the worst run there is.
01:22It's potholes that big, I'm telling you.
01:24You want to come out there and try it?
01:26Alright, I will. I'll come out this afternoon.
01:28I'll do it with a drop of fresh air.
01:30Help to blow me cobwebs away.
01:32Is that what it is? I thought it was your moustache.
01:37Puppy, get that bus out of here.
01:39I've got other buses besides yours to worry about, you know.
01:41Come on, Chalky, get out of here.
01:43Alright, take it away.
01:45Give us a few minutes, will you?
01:46The family said they're gonna catch this bus.
01:48Gordon knows where they got to.
01:49What's your family want to get on this one for?
01:51Well, they're gonna visit Ardmore, do you see?
01:53She lives at Hickley Green.
01:54It's cheaper by bus than it is by train, isn't it?
01:56Look, mate, old Hitler will be back any minute.
01:58We've got to go.
01:59Don't worry, here they are, here they are, here they are.
02:02Come on, of course, we nearly got the set waiting for you.
02:07It was Ollie's fault. She couldn't find her travelling pills.
02:10And when she found her travelling pills,
02:12she couldn't find her chill-blade ointment.
02:14Well, it seems we're all set for a very happy day.
02:17Now, Arthur, you know Olive always gets car sick when she takes a long bus ride.
02:22Well, it's alright. We've got plenty of those little bags.
02:25Oh, do you keep them under the seat?
02:27Like they do in the aeroplanes?
02:28No, I happen to keep me loose change in.
02:30Here, I'll have five bobs worth on me.
02:35Is it a very bumpy journey?
02:37Yeah.
02:38Two hours, I like that all the way.
02:40Get on.
02:41Oh, Stan, don't take any notice of him, love.
02:45Of course, in the old days, it was alright, you see.
02:47I used to sit her on my lap and let her look out of the window
02:50at the little moo cows and the little piggy wigs.
02:53She was only 17.
02:55Yes.
02:56I was so rude. I wasn't 17, I was only 7.
02:59He was referring to your weight.
03:02Now, look, for God's sake, get off board, otherwise...
03:05Now, keep moving, then.
03:07Hey, do you want returns?
03:09I don't know, mate.
03:10Well, you're coming back, aren't you?
03:12By the look of Ollie's face, I wouldn't count on it.
03:15Oh, will you turn out, please?
03:37Get on, my friend.
03:38Have a nice time, won't you?
03:41Now, look, I tell you what,
03:42I'll pick you up tonight at that shelter across the road, yeah?
03:44Oh, yes.
03:45What time, Jack?
03:4619.35.
03:48Yeah, yeah, OK, 19.35.
03:50Right, we'll wait for you.
03:51No, no, we won't.
03:52We've got the inspector on board.
03:54Oh, blimey, yeah.
03:55You'd better see you on time, then.
03:56All right, love.
03:57OK, darling.
03:58Well, I'll give you luck tomorrow.
04:00Yeah, OK.
04:03Oi!
04:11Oh, blimey, where's that perishing bus?
04:15We've been waiting here over half an hour.
04:17Are you sure it'll be Stam's bus?
04:19Well, if it's half an hour late, it's better be his.
04:23What a day we've had.
04:24Oh, stop moaning.
04:26We had a lovely day.
04:27Look at that lovely lunch half-moon gave us.
04:30Nobody cooks a rabbit pie like my sister made.
04:33Oh, it's a shame.
04:34It's a shame.
04:35It's a shame.
04:36It's a shame.
04:37It's a shame.
04:38It's a shame.
04:39It's a shame.
04:40It's a shame.
04:41It's a shame.
04:42It's a shame.
04:43It's a shame.
04:44It's a shame.
04:45It's a shame.
04:46Where's my pie like my sister made?
04:47For that we must all be truly thankful.
04:48My toes are frozen.
04:49Oh, stop moaning!
04:50Well, it's so cold, Arthur.
04:51And with this fog, every time I take a breath, my throat feels as though it's on fire.
04:54Well, if your throat's on fire and your toes are frozen, shove your feet in your mouth.
04:57She used to do that when she was little.
05:00She used to lie in the rug with nothing on, with her little feet in her mouth.
05:04Do you mind?
05:05Not after that rabbit stew.
05:07Oh, those damn pus-pusses. I saw she got chilled blind.
05:10You must have given them to yourself, love.
05:12Here. Is that Stan's bus?
05:14Aye.
05:16Come on.
05:17Come on.
05:19Hey, wait, something's wrong.
05:38Pass well down inside, please. Hurry along now.
05:41Hurry along.
05:43What do you mean, hurry along? We've been waiting here over half an hour.
05:46We'll get on it.
05:48Don't stand on the platform.
05:50Here. Are you the one they call Hitler?
05:55Here, get set in there. Go on, love.
05:57Oh, blimey.
05:59God, it's freezing in my cab.
06:01Here, my heater's gone up the spout.
06:03Hello, Mum, how are you? Have a nice day.
06:05Oh, yes, lovely. Here, I'm all set.
06:07Well, I'm sorry I must give you some special kisses.
06:11Now, love, look, did you put that vest I bought you, the string one, for Christmas?
06:14Yeah, yeah, yeah.
06:15You got it on? You sure got it on?
06:17Yes, yes.
06:18Well, let your mother have a little look.
06:19Look, don't undo it, Mum, because it's gone.
06:21Oh, Stan, you naughty boy. You're lying to your mum.
06:25Don't say it in front of him. I feel a fool.
06:28Well, you should have gone to find it.
06:30Olive's wearing it.
06:32Well, it would never fit her.
06:34It's a bit tricky getting it on.
06:37String vests isn't kisses for my Aunt Maud.
06:39You're supposed to be running a bus, but they're not playing at me families.
06:42Come on, get in that cab out of here.
06:44Oh, all right, all right.
06:45Try and make up for lost time, eh?
06:46Oh, don't talk soppy. He's been driving too thick fog.
06:49Ah, that was only over the hill there.
06:51I was a driver. I used to drive this route many a time.
06:54It'll be a clear run from now on.
07:04Oh, blimey, what a journey.
07:23We'd been going half an hour, he hadn't got out of bottom gear yet.
07:28Oh, what happened? Have we stopped?
07:32Perhaps, eh? The driver's got out.
07:34Is anything wrong, Inspector?
07:36No, it's perfectly all right, madam. It's just a routine stop.
07:39Our drivers are very highly trained. They know this route like the back of their hands.
07:46Right, that's it. I'm lost.
07:50What do you mean, lost?
07:51Well, I can't see where I've been. I can't see where I'm going.
07:54No, it's no good.
07:55We'll have to wait till it lifts, this fog.
07:57Don't talk wet.
07:58Someone can walk in front of the bus with a lightning torch, can't they?
08:01The road's probably clearer further on.
08:03Yeah, Arthur's quite right. That's the Inspector's job.
08:05Oh, is it?
08:06No, he can't do that.
08:07No, I can't do that. That's an extremely dangerous thing to do.
08:11A couple of years ago, one of the inspectors got run over doing it.
08:13Did he? Well, on second thought, it wouldn't be a bad idea.
08:17Don't talk ridiculous. With my black coat on, you'd never see me in front of there.
08:21Well, I tell you what, you're wearing a white shirt.
08:23How do you feel about walking in front of the bus with your shirt tail dangling out?
08:27You puppy, you.
08:28You know that's a dangerous thing to do.
08:30It can only be done by somebody wearing a special light-coloured garment.
08:33Aye.
08:34Only if you're wearing a light-coloured garment.
08:36Oh, don't be so horrible. The bus might bump into me.
08:39Well, we've got a good maintenance department, darling. They can knock out any bump.
08:43Boy, do you know, find it a bit of a job, will you?
08:45No, no, nobody's going to walk in front of the bus.
08:48Here, there's a newsflash on the radio.
08:50Turn it up. Let's hear what it's going to say.
08:53The freezing fog now blanketing the home county won't lift until tomorrow morning.
08:57So you're advised to pull off the road and just stay where you are.
09:00But you can stay with us right through till two with all the top sounds, you lucky people.
09:05Oh, I'm in shell-blast.
09:07Now, ladies and gentlemen, coming up next, the great theme song from Frankenstein meets The Ape Woman.
09:12Hey, Arthur, they're going to play your tune.
09:16Stan, is it so thick, can't you seem to drive?
09:19Let's have a look.
09:22Yeah, well, it's never thick. It's so thick, it can show a button on it.
09:25No!
09:27Well, I'm afraid we'll be at York tomorrow.
09:29Oh, Arthur, it'll be the first time we haven't got back to our bed for a night.
09:33Oh, I suppose we must look on the bright side.
09:53Oh, God, blimey, look at them all.
09:56It's like spending the night in the Chamber of Horrors.
10:02I wish we could cart him away and have him melted down.
10:06And what do you make of time?
10:08Oh, blimey, it's nearly one o'clock in the morning.
10:12Oh, it's thicker than ever, mate.
10:14Hey, does Arthur always go to sleep holding a newspaper like that?
10:17Oh, it's thicker than ever, mate.
10:19Hey, does Arthur always go to sleep holding a newspaper like that?
10:24Well, what would you do if you was married to Olive?
10:28I'd go to bed with the Encyclopaedia Britannica.
10:31Hey, why does Olive keep her glasses on?
10:33Cos when she wakes up in the morning, she can't find them.
10:37Blimey, I'm starving and hungry. You got anything to eat?
10:39Nah, I bet old Blacky has in that tin box. That's why he's clutching it like that.
10:43Here, I'll tell you what, I've got a few peanuts here.
10:45Sorry, I got a bit mixed up with me change.
10:47You fancy one?
10:48I bet they're covered in fluff!
10:50Nah, they're alright.
10:54Here.
10:55What?
10:56Here, Jack.
10:57I bet you, Tanner, you can't get one of them peanuts in his mouth.
11:01Right, mate, you're on.
11:02Go on.
11:04Oh, blimey, it's a moving target.
11:06Alright, then. Alright, then.
11:08A bob if you get one in his earhole, two bobs if you get it up his nose.
11:13I'll be damned if he does, mate. His moustache will get in the way.
11:16Need armour piercing bullet to get through that.
11:19Here, look, his gob's wide open. Get right between his tonsils. Go on.
11:22Nah, I might swallow it and choke to death.
11:24Only if we're lucky.
11:28Go on, I've got Tanner.
11:29That's a Tanner. That's a Tanner.
11:31Underarm lob. Oops.
11:32No, you're on.
11:33No, mate.
11:34Tanner, you're on. You're on, Tanner.
11:35Alright, I'll give him a little salvo.
11:38One more.
11:39There.
11:40There.
11:43Must have dozed off.
11:53I swallowed a tooth.
11:58Well, why don't you take them out and find out?
12:01No, they're all there, aren't they?
12:03That's funny.
12:04Could have sworn I had something to hold in me mouth.
12:11Oh, Arthur, do you want to snuggle up to me?
12:16No, I just wanted to finish a rather interesting article
12:19I was reading on the mating habits of pygmies.
12:23Good. You might learn something.
12:29Oh, I dropped a stitch.
12:31Hello, me old darling. You alright, love?
12:33Yes, love.
12:34I'm fine.
12:35I'm fine.
12:36I'm fine.
12:37I'm fine.
12:38Hello, me old darling. You alright, love?
12:39Yes, love.
12:40Me back hurts a bit.
12:41Here, I'm making a jumper for Olive.
12:44Are you?
12:45Yeah.
12:46Blimey, you'd never get that round her waist.
12:47No, this is only the sleeve.
12:52Arthur?
12:54Certainly not.
12:56Mum?
12:58No, you'll have to wait.
13:00Mum?
13:02Oh, wait a minute, love.
13:03Here.
13:04What?
13:05Are there any bushes outside?
13:06Bushes? What do you want bushes for?
13:07Oh, shh, shh, shh.
13:09I was at her.
13:10Oh, yes. Yes.
13:11Any?
13:12Yes, plenty there.
13:13Well, yes, there are some.
13:14Outside, but you'll have to get off the bus.
13:16Oh, right.
13:17Are you sure there are bushes outside, Stan?
13:19What do you want bushes for?
13:20You get outside here, you'll disappear.
13:22In fact, you'll find it a bit of a job finding your way back to the bus.
13:25Oh, Arthur, did you hear that?
13:27Stan says I might not be able to find my way back to the bus.
13:30Really?
13:33Yes, she might fall in a big hole or down in a pond.
13:36You're always trying to raise my hopes, aren't you?
13:39Well, she's only trying to cheer you up.
13:41Stan, dear love, I'll tell you what.
13:44Look, I've got some wool here.
13:45Take the end of that and hang on to it and that'll guide you back to the bus.
13:50There you are, love.
13:51Gents to the right, ladies to the left.
13:55Oh, blimey.
13:56She's in a hurry.
13:57Yeah.
14:00Quite deep sea fishing, isn't it?
14:01Like playing out a shark.
14:03Or like Moby Dick.
14:07Ah, it's stopped.
14:08She must have found a bush.
14:13Perhaps the bush wasn't big enough.
14:17Yeah, I saw a film about a fisherman once.
14:19He had to hold on to the line for nine hours.
14:22Did he really?
14:23Yeah.
14:24Well, if Olive's had anything to go by, it could happen to her.
14:30What's she doing?
14:31What's she doing?
14:33She must be hopping from bush to bush.
14:36How?
14:37She's not, is she?
14:38Start.
14:39I think she's settled.
14:42I guess a fair jack could be it for a long time, mate.
14:48Oh, is that Olive?
14:53No, that was Olive.
14:54Oh, dear, where is she?
14:56Get her.
14:57Stan, it's Mark.
14:58Get her in.
14:59Pull her in.
15:00Pull her in.
15:01Where is she?
15:02Come on.
15:03Come on.
15:04Oh, dear.
15:05We've got to hurry.
15:06We've got to hurry.
15:07We've got to hurry.
15:08Mark, don't.
15:09Where's Olive?
15:11Well, your guess is as good as mine, isn't it?
15:13Hang on.
15:14I'll go and find her.
15:15Olive!
15:16Olive, darling.
15:17Olive, my boy.
15:18Come on.
15:21Oh, Mark.
15:22Oh, Mark.
15:26I went in a field and a cow pushed me.
15:31You're lucky it wasn't a bull.
15:34It was not funny.
15:35It wasn't our fault.
15:36Oh, did the cow hurt you, love?
15:38No, but I fell in nettles right up to my chin.
15:41Look at that.
15:42You're lucky you didn't have one of these, love.
15:44And clean...
15:48Don't panic.
15:49Don't panic.
15:51Be calm, everyone.
15:52Don't panic now.
15:56Oh, blimey, you're not frightened of her, are you?
16:00Come here.
16:01Come here.
16:03Oh, blimey.
16:09Yeah, well, Sue got rid of her, eh?
16:11Yeah, well, I suppose she took one look at your choppers
16:14and thought you was a farmer's horse.
16:17They are, Mr B, as you walk.
16:19Oh, what do you know?
16:20She must have had this round at all.
16:22Yeah.
16:23Well, she's a Jersey cow,
16:24most probably knitting herself a pullover.
16:28Gibbering jackass.
16:30We can well do without your moronic jokes.
16:32Don't you talk to my son like that.
16:34What have you done about it?
16:35He's been driving in the fog.
16:36What have you done about it?
16:37I can't work here.
16:38I don't care.
16:39Go and do something.
16:40Well, what can I do?
16:41Well, you're a great beanpole.
16:43There must be plenty of phone booths along the road.
16:45You'd get out there and phone a depot for a stop, couldn't you?
16:48I don't know about that.
16:49I don't think the other passengers are likely to leave the bus.
16:51Oh, yes, they will.
16:52Oh, God, yes.
16:54Very well, then.
16:55I will, then.
16:56Yes.
16:57Well, go on.
16:58Go on, make up your mind.
16:59Are you going or coming or what you're doing?
17:02Go on.
17:03Watch it.
17:08I may be gone for some considerable time, ladies and gentlemen.
17:11Good.
17:14And don't worry.
17:15I'll get through all right.
17:16I'll get through.
17:17Don't worry.
17:18Don't worry.
17:19Go on, then.
17:20Here he goes,
17:21the Luxon and District bus company's John Wayne.
17:24100% true grit.
17:26Yeah.
17:27Well, I don't think we shall see him for a bit, then.
17:32What's the matter?
17:33I've forgotten the telephone number of me office.
17:36It's on me clipboard down there.
17:38Oh, here you are.
17:39Here you are.
17:40Thanks.
17:41Don't worry.
17:42I'll get through to the depot, ladies and gentlemen.
17:43Don't worry about it.
17:45Oh, well, I think we got rid of him now.
17:49What's the matter?
17:50Lost your clipboard?
17:51No, I haven't got a sixpence, actually.
17:54Here you are.
17:55Everyone on the company.
17:58I'll get through all right.
17:59Don't worry, ladies.
18:00Well, shut the door.
18:01Shut the door, Jack.
18:02Here, Sam, while he's gone,
18:03look at his snack box.
18:04I bet he's got some grub in there.
18:05Yeah, well, the way he was clasped with it.
18:07God blimey, now, cheeky son.
18:09He's got two packets of crisps.
18:10I knew he had a secret vice.
18:12Hey, hey, hey.
18:13I think those should be distributed equally
18:15amongst the passengers.
18:16Yes, I'll wake Olly Bub.
18:17No, no, let her sleep.
18:19She must have her share.
18:21Come on, love.
18:22Wake up.
18:23Wake up, love.
18:25There's food.
18:29What flavour are they, Stan?
18:31Er, I don't know yet.
18:38Bacon, I think.
18:41Yeah, I'm sure they're bacon.
18:45No, no.
18:50Seasoned onion.
18:53No, I'll tell a lie.
18:56They're fine.
18:59Yeah.
19:00We'll share them out equally.
19:01Yeah.
19:02Well, when you do it,
19:03you might remember you've had half a packet yourself.
19:05Right, here we are, then.
19:06Hold your hands up.
19:07Here we are, come on.
19:08All right.
19:09One for you.
19:10One for you.
19:12One for you.
19:14One for you.
19:16One for you.
19:17Oi.
19:18One for you.
19:19Oi, oi.
19:20What?
19:21Do you mind telling me why it is
19:22I seem to be getting all the small ones?
19:25Well, if you like,
19:26I'll shuffle them up like a pack of cards,
19:27you know, brrr, if you like.
19:28Yeah, well, you might deal me one off the bottom.
19:30Oh, sorry.
19:32Here, quick.
19:33Give him back.
19:34Come on, give him here.
19:36One for you.
19:37That's it.
19:38Help me up.
19:40Oh, Blimey.
19:41You were quick, weren't you?
19:42I lost me sixpence.
19:46I walked right into a ditch.
19:47Oh, Blimey, some hero.
19:49Oh, look at his feet.
19:51Yeah, you better take your boots off.
19:54I've got them off.
19:57These are me socks.
19:59What was you doing walking in a ditch
20:01with your boots off?
20:02I didn't walk in a ditch with me boots off.
20:04They came off when I went to get out.
20:06You left your boots in the ditch?
20:07No, no, I fished them out, all right.
20:09Don't leave them outside.
20:10They weigh a tonne.
20:11Oh, go on, get them.
20:12Stop where you are.
20:13Oh, oh, God.
20:15Blimey, Blimey, mate.
20:16Blimey, Blimey, big blimey.
20:18Oi, oi, oi.
20:19You're making a very nasty mess of my life.
20:21Mate, you're making a very nasty mess of my bus.
20:24I'm not having you on like that.
20:25You'll have to wash your feet.
20:26Oh, don't all have a berk.
20:28How can I wash me feet?
20:29Don't have running water on the bus, you know, look.
20:31Well, we do now, mate, yeah.
20:34Oh, God.
20:38Oh, I hate you, Butler.
20:39Oh, I do hate you, mate.
20:41I do.
20:42Look at me.
20:43Look, I'm smothered in mud now.
20:44Listen, some people pay a lot of money
20:46to be covered in mud.
20:47Yeah, I tell you what, Blakey,
20:48your feet will have a lovely complexion.
20:51Yeah, I don't know what you did out there,
20:53but the fog's getting thicker.
20:55You don't have to tell me, mate.
20:56I just come from out here, ladies and gentlemen.
20:57I'm very tired.
20:58It's early, look, dear.
20:59Well, we'll be here till it gets light.
21:01Oh, Stan.
21:02When will that be, love?
21:04All right.
21:05Oh, good seven hours yet.
21:07Oh.
21:08Seven hours?
21:09Oh, my good God.
21:10Seven hours like this, look,
21:11without a clean pair of socks on.
21:13Well, you don't have to worry, Blakey.
21:14We'll get you another pair of socks.
21:16Will you? Where?
21:17Well, Mum's got seven hours.
21:18She'll knit you a pair.
21:20Ha!
21:35All right, ladies and gentlemen,
21:36we have arrived at our destination
21:38after travelling for 12 hours and 6 minutes
21:40at an average speed of half a mile an hour.
21:43Local time is 7.32,
21:45and I'll be off with Captain Stan Butler and his crew.
21:47Thank you for travelling with us.
21:48Oh, God.
21:49Hello, Mum. How are you?
21:50Oh, lovely, back.
21:52Here, there's only one good thing about it, Stan.
21:54Yeah, what's that, Mum?
21:55Look, I've finished me jumper.
21:56Oh, lovely.
21:59Well, I shall not forget this in a hurry.
22:01I think it's quite disgusting
22:02being charged seven and six each for suffering all night.
22:05If you don't shut your face,
22:06we'll give you another ticket.
22:08Hey, your ticket ran out at midnight.
22:10Give him one.
22:11Ouch.
22:13Oh, Arthur, don't look at me.
22:15Seven hours without sleep.
22:17What must I look like?
22:18Better than usual.
22:22Hello, Blakey.
22:27Oi, you going for a quick paddle, are you?
22:31Anyone about.
22:32I wouldn't like any of the Clippers
22:33to see me in this deplorable condition.
22:36Well, I don't think your bare feet
22:37are going to send the Clippers sex mad.
22:41Don't look, I'm freezing.
22:44Here, Stan.
22:45When's the next bus?
22:46For how and how long do we have to wait?
22:49Two hours, Mum.
22:50Why?
22:51Well, it's Sunday service, isn't it?
22:53Oh.
22:54Well, I'm not waiting in this freezing cold depot two hours.
22:57All right, then.
22:58There's only one thing.
22:59Ricky, get back on the bus, then.
23:00Oh, Stan.
23:01Get back on the bus.
23:02Oh, dear.
23:03Oh, dear.
23:04Oh, dear.
23:05Oh, dear.