Watch Online Hazel 1961 - s2ep6
Transcript
00:00Oh boy, he really had us in stitches.
00:05Oh yeah, and then he told the one about the little man from the Flying Saucer who walked up to the fire hydrant.
00:10Now, stop me if you've heard this.
00:12Yeah, I heard it at the supermarket.
00:15And said, what's a pretty girl like you doing in a place like this?
00:20Yeah, that's a doozy, all right.
00:23Boy, I'm telling you, that Charlie's really a card.
00:25Oh yeah, and then he told the one about the drunk who walked into the laundromat.
00:29Now, stop me if you've heard this.
00:31Yeah, I heard it. Hazel told me.
00:34And said, you call these TV sets? They've all got flop overs.
00:39Yeah, that's a good one, all right.
00:41Oh yeah, and then the one about the magazine salesman who rang the lady's doorbell.
00:45Now, stop me if you've heard this.
00:46I heard it.
00:47And when she opened the doors.
00:52Mr. B?
00:53Yes, Hazel?
00:54How did we stop you?
01:24Hi, Hazel. Eat anything this morning?
01:49Hi, Bob. Yes, a loaf of whole wheat bread. Mr. B likes it toasted for breakfast.
01:54What are you reading?
01:55Oh, I ain't reading. This is a dictionary. I'm picking out my word for the day.
02:01What do you mean?
02:02Well, every day I pick out a word I don't know.
02:05Use a word ten times and it's yours, you know.
02:08Yeah, so I've heard.
02:09Yeah, I've been doing it for years. That's how I got this terrific vocabulary.
02:13Well, I know you always believed in self-improvement.
02:16Oh, sure.
02:18Like, for instance, yesterday my word for the day was spirituality.
02:22I must have used it five or six times during the conversation at breakfast.
02:26Like, I said, when Mr. B come in, I said,
02:28Good morning, Mr. B. Ain't this a gorgeous day to bring out your spirituality?
02:33What did he say?
02:35Well, he just kind of muttered and he started reading his paper.
02:38Mr. B ain't at his most outstanding at breakfast.
02:41But Harold, oh, he loved it.
02:44Oh, he's a doozy.
02:46Hazel, hello, Bob.
02:48Good morning, Mrs. Baxter.
02:49We're ready for breakfast, Hazel.
02:51All right, I'll bring the fruit juice right in.
02:54Bob, why don't you sit down and rest your hands and face. Have a cup of coffee.
02:58Orange juice coming up.
02:59Yes, and the inevitable word for the day.
03:01A gorgeous day like this brings out my spirituality.
03:05All right, son.
03:06Going to Sunday school brings out my spirituality, too.
03:09All right, son. You see, she's got Harold doing it.
03:12Well, there's nothing wrong with that. It improves his vocabulary.
03:15You just don't understand. She aims those words at me.
03:19George, how can she aim a word?
03:21She usually picks some obscure word and then tries it out on me to see if I know what it is.
03:26You watch. The minute she comes through that door, she'll...
03:33Morning, Spud.
03:34Good morning, Hazel.
03:35Did you sleep well last night?
03:37Just fine. Did you?
03:39Oh, like a top. How about you, Missy?
03:41Oh, fine.
03:42Morning, Mr. B.
03:43Morning, Hazel.
03:44Did you sleep well?
03:45Perfectly, thank you.
03:46The fruit juice all right?
03:49Just fine.
03:50Them oranges was practically globose.
03:56I said globose.
03:58What does it mean, Hazel?
03:59Globose. G-L-O-B-O-S-E.
04:03Adjective. Mean and round.
04:05Did you know that?
04:06Yes, I knew it, Hazel. I'll have scrambled eggs and toast, thank you.
04:09Oh, fine. We got fresh whole wheat bread.
04:11Good.
04:13Now, you take an egg. That ain't globose.
04:15I know. It's ovoid.
04:18What?
04:19Ovoid. O-V-O-I-D. Adjective. Meaning egg-shaped.
04:24Well, for Pete's sake.
04:27I got some hot cereal for you, Spud. Your usual, Missy?
04:30Please.
04:33You told her once you didn't know, didn't you, Dad?
04:36Yes, and that was my first mistake of the day.
04:39Why?
04:40Because now she'll look up another word and try to top me.
04:43Oh, George.
04:47Ovoid. Ovoid. Ovoid.
04:52Here it is. Ovoid. Adjective. Meaning egg-shaped.
04:57Boy, I gotta hand it to him. That's a terrific word.
05:01When would you use it?
05:03Well, when you're describing things that's egg-shaped.
05:06Like what?
05:07Like Mr. B's figure, if I don't watch his diet.
05:10Why don't you just say egg-shaped?
05:12Because short words is neater than long ones. I gotta concentrate.
05:15I wanna find a word that'll knock Mr. B right out of his chair.
05:18What's the point of that?
05:20Well, two reasons. First, it's educational.
05:23You know, I ain't had any real education, so I gotta pick it up whenever I can.
05:27And second, well, Mr. B enjoys it.
05:30You know, he's got this terrific competitive instinct.
05:34He's always gotta top me, and then I gotta top him, you know?
05:38It's the kind of a game we play. Oh, he gets a big kick out of it.
05:42And I wanna nip it right in the bud.
05:44So no matter what word she comes up with, don't you ask her what it means.
05:48Then how will I ever know?
05:50I'll tell you after she leaves the room.
05:52George, isn't that being a little ridiculous?
05:55Not at all. I don't wanna get into a contest with her.
05:57You know how competitive she is. She never stops.
06:00Darling, you're pretty competitive yourself.
06:02If you wouldn't...
06:03I'm a competitor where sports are concerned, sure.
06:05Will you play football with me today?
06:07Well, son, I can't today.
06:09You heard me tell Hazel. Mr. Griffin will be here.
06:11Oh, I wish he wouldn't bother you on weekends. It doesn't seem fair.
06:15Other lawyers don't have...
06:16Other lawyers don't represent Mr. Griffin.
06:18He's decided to set up a foundation.
06:20For a house?
06:22No, son.
06:24An organization for the financing of worthy projects.
06:27He intends putting a million dollars in it.
06:29Oh, I'm impressed.
06:31Griffin is quite a man.
06:33In business, he's tough, and...
06:34He's tough anyplace.
06:36I'm almost afraid to speak to him,
06:37for fear he'll snap my head off.
06:39You're not alone. He has quite a temper.
06:41When he calls a board meeting,
06:43vice presidents quake in their boots.
06:45But he's honest, and he's fair.
06:47And he's doing something constructive with his money.
06:49For that, I admire him.
06:50What's the purpose of the foundation?
06:52I don't know the details yet,
06:53but it has something to do with education.
06:55The foundation will need an administrator,
06:57and I'm hoping Mr. Griffin will pick me.
07:00Oh, darling, you work too hard now.
07:02Oh, yes, but this is something different.
07:05You know my interest in education.
07:07It'll be a labor of love.
07:08But no money.
07:10Uh, maybe a little money.
07:11Certainly a lot of prestige.
07:13Well, if that's what you want, darling,
07:14then I want it, too.
07:16Here you are, Missy.
07:17Just the way you like it.
07:19Thank you, Hazel.
07:21Your eggs will be up in a minute, Mr. B.
07:23Thank you.
07:24It's the old void hen for which you might call it.
07:26Yes.
07:28You know that old brown felt hat of mine?
07:30You know, the one with the veil?
07:32I was thinking maybe I'd jazz it up a bit
07:34by putting a panache on the side.
07:41I said panache.
07:45I thought maybe I'd jazz it up a bit by...
07:47Hazel, I think a panache would look very nice on it.
07:50I'll go see if your eggs are ready.
07:55What's in a panache, Dad?
07:57I'll be right back, son.
07:59Where's it going?
08:01Into conference, I think.
08:03With a Mr. Webster.
08:07Boy, he's smart, all right.
08:09You could have knocked me over with a feather
08:10when he knew what panache meant.
08:12Even little Harold knew.
08:14Boy, I gotta do a lot of studying
08:15just to keep up with this family.
08:18Well, good luck, Hazel.
08:19I have to finish my route.
08:21Thanks for the coffee.
08:22Okay, Bob.
08:28Now, wait till you hear the one I pull on her.
08:30This will stop her right in her tracks.
08:32Now, I know I haven't heard it,
08:33and if I have it, she's certain...
08:35Here's your eggs, Mr. B.
08:36Thank you, Hazel.
08:38Oh, Hazel.
08:39Yes, sir?
08:40I was just wondering
08:41if you were bothered by the ululation last night.
08:44No.
08:45Ululation?
08:46Yes, son.
08:47Perhaps Hazel would be kind enough
08:48to define it for us.
08:50Ululation?
08:51Yes, Hazel.
08:52Ululation.
08:54U-L-U-L-A-T-I-O-N.
08:58Noun.
08:59Meaning howl of a dog or of a wolf.
09:01No, as a matter of fact,
09:02I didn't hear a thing.
09:04Neither did I.
09:05I noticed you raided the refrigerator
09:07before you went to bed last night.
09:09Maybe you just dreamed of a howling dog
09:11because you had a little cardialgia.
09:16What does cardiology mean, Dad?
09:18I'll be right back, son.
09:19Cardiology means heartburn.
09:22You know, Dorothy,
09:24she can be a very irritating woman at times.
09:44Oh, hi, Mr. Griffin.
09:46Come on in.
09:47Good morning, Hazel.
09:48My, don't you look nice.
09:50Is that a new suit?
09:51Yes, as a matter of fact, it is.
09:53Oh.
09:54You like it?
09:55Oh, it's terrific.
09:56And being double-breasted,
09:57it makes you look 20 pounds lighter.
09:59Oh, well, thank you, Hazel.
10:01Because it ain't exactly as if you took off a pound,
10:03just kind of camouflaged it.
10:05You been putting on any weight lately?
10:07Certainly not.
10:08I'll bet you have.
10:09I'll bet that's why you switched
10:10to double-breasted suits.
10:11It is not.
10:12Double-breasted suits are coming back in style.
10:14All right, you just come up on the bathroom scale.
10:16I'll do nothing of the kind.
10:18It's for your own good, Mr. Griffin.
10:19Good morning, Mr. Griffin.
10:20I thought that might be you at the door.
10:22Come on into the den, and we'll go to work.
10:24Mr. Griffin, don't you think
10:25you ought to go up and weigh yourself?
10:27I am not going to weigh myself.
10:29Hazel, for heaven's sake.
10:30It'll just take a minute.
10:31The last time I weighed him, he weighed 200.
10:33Hazel.
10:34Yes, sir?
10:35Mr. Griffin and I have something
10:36very important to discuss,
10:37and we don't have time to argue with you.
10:39What's so important
10:40he don't have time to weigh himself?
10:42A foundation.
10:43Oh, for Pete's sake.
10:45A girdle ain't the answer.
10:48Not that kind of a foundation.
10:50A charitable institution.
10:52Well, why didn't you say so?
10:54Come on into the den, Mr. Griffin.
10:55All right.
10:56Will you please get us some coffee?
10:58Yes, sir.
11:00Can't hide it from the back.
11:02He's put on at least 10 pounds.
11:07Oh, uh, please sit down here, Mr. Griffin.
11:10Oh, thank you.
11:11I have to apologize for Hazel.
11:13She tries to run everything and everybody.
11:15Oh, don't apologize back.
11:16Hazel's all right.
11:17She drives me crazy sometimes.
11:20Oh?
11:21She reminds me of my mother.
11:23Oh, Hazel's a fine person.
11:24It's just that she...
11:25You bet she's a fine person.
11:27She cares about people.
11:29She worried about my weight.
11:30You didn't say anything.
11:32Well, frankly, Mr. Griffin,
11:33I didn't notice.
11:34Hazel noticed.
11:35I gained about 10 pounds,
11:37and she noticed immediately.
11:38Weight is Hazel's specialty.
11:40That's the way it was with Mom.
11:42When I was a kid,
11:43Mom used to worry about my weight
11:45all the time.
11:46You were overweight as a child?
11:48Baxter,
11:49overweight is no problem of the poor.
11:52Oh.
11:53You were poor?
11:54We were poor.
11:55Sometimes poor till our ribs showed.
11:58My father became an invalid
12:00when I was four years old.
12:02I've worked since I was nine.
12:04I didn't even finish grade school.
12:06You didn't?
12:07That surprises you?
12:09Well, yes.
12:11Yes, it does.
12:12That a man without a grade school education
12:15could end up the head of a huge corporation
12:17is amazing.
12:18You should be very proud, Mr. Griffin.
12:20Well, thank you, Baxter.
12:22Call me Harvey.
12:24All right, Harvey.
12:26Of course, I've worked hard,
12:28and I've done a great deal of reading.
12:30You're a self-made man of the old tradition, Harvey.
12:33Call me Harve, George.
12:35All right, Harve.
12:37That's why I want to set up this foundation.
12:40I want to make it a little easier
12:42for qualified youngsters to...
12:44Here's your coffee.
12:46It ain't instant.
12:47I just made it with...
12:49celerity.
12:51Celerity.
12:52C-E-L-E-R-I-T-Y.
12:55Noun.
12:56Rapidity of motion.
12:57Good for you.
12:59You don't happen to have any of those brownies today, Hazel.
13:01Yeah, but they're just chock full of calories.
13:03Hazel, will you bring some brownies?
13:05He must have put on 10 or 20 pounds.
13:07No, I haven't, Hazel.
13:08I don't think he should have any.
13:09Hazel, if he says he hasn't gained any weight, he hasn't.
13:11Now, will you please bring the brownies?
13:13Yes, sir.
13:18I'm sorry, Harve, but that woman...
13:20Stop criticizing her, Baxter.
13:22She's concerned with my health.
13:24All right.
13:26Now, where was I?
13:28Oh, I want to make it a little easier
13:31for qualified young people to get an education.
13:34Those who otherwise would have to drop out of school.
13:37Well, that's a wonderful objective.
13:39Now, understand me.
13:40These are not to be scholarships
13:42in the ordinary sense of the word.
13:44In selecting a student,
13:46need must be the deciding factor.
13:49Some students can't accept scholarships
13:52because they have to work to support
13:55sick or elderly relatives.
13:58So my plan would, in effect,
14:01subsidize entire families.
14:03Harve, I'm honored to have a part in setting it up.
14:06Your involvement may be bigger than that.
14:09The fund will need an administrator.
14:12It would take several days of your time each month,
14:15and the pay is only $2,500 a year.
14:17You interested?
14:18Interested? Why, I'd jump at the chance.
14:20Well, let's get to work on the details.
14:23Here's the scales.
14:24Come on, hop on.
14:26Hazel, I will not.
14:28No way, no brownies.
14:30Do you realize who I am?
14:32I sure do, and I also know
14:34you have this tendency toward chubbiness.
14:38She's exactly like my mother.
14:40Come on, hop on.
14:44Well, according to this, you took off a pound.
14:48There, you see?
14:49Now bring me some brownies.
14:50I'll think about it.
14:51You want to weigh yourself, Mr. B?
14:53I do not.
14:54Oh, you'd rather just leave your weight nubilous, huh?
14:57Yes, nubilous.
14:59N-U-B-I-L-O-U-S.
15:01Adjective.
15:02Meaning vague or obscure, right, Harv?
15:05Stop calling me Harv.
15:07Now let's get to work.
15:10All right, Mr. Griffin.
15:12I just pulled a fast one on her.
15:14She didn't see my real weight.
15:16I was leaning on your desk.
15:29The way I figured,
15:30That's all the students you can support without dipping into the original endowment then we'll dip into it and I'll put in more capital later
15:37All right, mr. Griffin. It's your money
15:43Boy this isn't a whole brownie that isn't even a half a brownie he was leaning on your desk
15:49You want me to take it back? No, where's mine? You don't get any. What do you mean?
15:54I don't get any any man that won't even weigh himself Hazel. I want a brownie. Oh, mr. B. You're just being
16:02obdurate
16:03obdurate OBD you are a te
16:07Adjective stubborn, right? Right. I'm no fool Baxter. Well, of course not. Mr. Griffin
16:16Hello
16:18Yes. Oh
16:20Just a minute. It's for you. Thank you while you're talking. I'm going out and see about those brownies. Okay. Hello. Oh
16:28Hello Osborne. Did that shipment get off? Okay?
16:32Good
16:34Hmm. Oh
16:35We're getting along. All right, I suppose
16:38You know Baxter a college man as soon as he found out I hadn't finished grade school. He started defining words to me
16:46If he does it one more time, I'm getting a new lawyer
16:50Yeah, and I think I've really impressed him because he offered me the job. Oh, darling. That's wonderful
16:57Hey, where do you hear the rest? It pays?
16:59$2,500 a year
17:00charge, oh
17:02We can get new carpeting for the upstairs hall
17:04Oh
17:05We can get a lot of extra things for that
17:07$2,500 and we get new patio furniture and if I play my cards, right I may get a new pair of socks
17:12George
17:14Boy this oughta knock him for a loop. Well, one two, three five syllables boy
17:20I just hope I can work it into the conversation
17:23Hazel I want to talk to you. Yeah. Yeah. I'm mr. B. Listen, you take someone that don't hate Hazel
17:29Will you listen to me? Yes, sir. Now. Is there some doubt in your mind as to who's boss around here? No, sir
17:35Good now when I say I want
17:37Wait a minute
17:39Who do you think is boss? You are good now when I say I want brownies
17:44I want brownies and I don't want an argument you understand. Yes, sir
17:47And when a guest wants a brownie, I don't want you cutting them in half understand
17:51Yes, sir
17:51And I don't want you ever again to bring those bathroom scales downstairs
17:55No, sir, or try to send a guest upstairs to weigh himself. No, sir
17:59All right. Now I want you to put a half a dozen brownies on the plate and bring them into the den
18:05Is that clear mr. B then brownies is just loaded with calories hazel that is an order
18:11Yes, sir, I'll bring them in fine
18:17Now I don't mean to be severe with you hazel, but I don't think there can be the slightest doubt of the probity of my
18:24position
18:25probably probity
18:27P-r-o-b-i-t-y
18:31But Pete's sake what does that mean?
18:34I don't mind him
18:36Coursing me a fast one, but at least he could wait around till I get a chance to toss one back
18:43And I told her to bring them right in how many six good good
18:49Now, how long do you think it will take to get this thing rolling and some youngsters actually going to school?
18:54Oh, the paperwork should take several weeks and then we weeks. Well, certainly
19:00You're not asking for a lease to be drawn
19:03You're asking for a complete new organization containing all the mechanics for selecting the students
19:08Not only must your endowment be protected to see that the maximum benefits reach them
19:12But I must satisfy all governmental requirements. There's your brownies. Oh wonderful. Hey, so wonderful
19:18Yeah, well a double-breasted suit can hide just so much. I wonder when they're gonna invent a triple-breasted. All right, Hazel. That's enough
19:25You get the message. Mr. B. I get the message
19:29Speaking about people that don't go to church. Wait a minute. Who said anything about people who don't go to church?
19:34I did in that case. Would you call them?
19:39nullified Ian's
19:41Nullified Ian n u l l i f i d i a n
19:45Now a person of no faith or religion. I ought to punch you right on the nose
19:50Harv, what's the matter and stop calling me?
19:53You snob and you're no longer my attorney in this case or anything else
20:01That's what I want to find out
20:04Mr. Griffin
20:05What is it? I may have only a grade school education, but my vocabulary is as good as yours
20:12Well, I'm sure it is then. What's the idea of trying to humiliate me by defining words? Oh, mr. Griffin
20:19I wasn't trying to humiliate you you see Hazel and I have don't try to weasel out of it you you boob
20:25boob
20:28Boob boob now, I mean I know what it means
20:33George I just thought of something else we can buy we can't buy anything not even the carpeting
20:39You don't get the $2,500. No, he just fired me as his attorney. Oh, no
20:44You mean all on account of I come in and said them a couple of words. That's exactly what I mean
20:49Oh for Pete's sake mr. B. Why don't you go after him? I will not I won't crawl for any man
20:54Oh, this makes me feel terrible
20:57You want a brownie?
21:10Hi son
21:12How'd the football go well, I scored 12 touchdowns
21:16Well, your side must have won. We sure did the captain of the other team got man hit me over the head with her dog
21:25Well, you need a referee I'll say the dog busted and I got sawdust in my eyes
21:32Well son I find I finished my business with mr. Griffin after all so I'll come out and referee for you swell wins lunch
21:39I'm star George Hazel isn't out there. She left this note note
21:44Listen, it says I'll be back in a jiff. I'm going over to mr. Griffin's about mr. B's job
21:49I wish Hazel would mind her own business. I told her I wouldn't crawl
21:55What's Griffin gonna think when a woman comes begging him to take me back?
21:58Boy, you make me so mad. I can't even think straight now. Hey, so I'm a nice man like mr
22:04B so rude like that you got terrible manners and now when I think of all the meals you've had at our house and then
22:10Turn it on him like that. And now if you can't treat mr. B like an ordinary man
22:14He ain't ordinary like you or me. He's smart. Now. Wait a minute. Well, he is any otherwise
22:19Why would you have him as your lawyer? Well, yes, but I didn't even go through grade school
22:24I'm the head of a corporation. Yes
22:26Well, if you'd studied at night, you could have got your diploma, but you just didn't have enough ambition
22:30He went all the way through college. I'll have you know, I'm proud of what I've accomplished without an education
22:36Well, you got a right to be proud, but you're kind of a snob about it. Oh, hey around insulting people
22:44Well, maybe I was a little rude
22:49You tell backstreet gonna have his job back. Nope, I ain't gonna do it. Why what do you mean?
22:54Well, because what he went through this morning ain't worth the aggravation working for you
22:58Life is too short for a thing like that. Oh, hey, you'll have more time to spend with his family. Oh
23:05That carpeting isn't so bad. I'll have it cleaned and we can paint the patio furniture
23:21Mr. Griffin go on
23:24Hello Baxter
23:27Go on I
23:29Came to apologize Baxter
23:32Go on
23:35If if you'll be my attorney again, I promise never to bother you on weekends except in emergencies
23:45Go on
23:47And I I'd like you to be the administrator of the foundation at 2,500 a year
23:55That's real nice Harvey ain't that nice mr. B. Very nice indeed. I'm delighted. Yeah. Thank you
24:03Take a big man to do a thing like that. Yes, it did, but I do. Mr. Griffin Harvey
24:08I knew Harvey was a big man a long time ago
24:11That's why I'll be proud to be the administrator of the foundation. He's setting up and George will be in charge of everything
24:17Oh, yes, of course. He'll be under the supervision of a board of directors. Oh
24:23Naturally, yes, and the first meeting is a week from Thursday. Well, I better get lunch started. Everybody must be starving
24:30Wait a minute. What does she know about the first meeting? Oh, I named her to the board
24:35She reminds me of my mother
24:52I
24:54I
25:21This has been a Screen Gems film production
25:24You