A Bit of a Do S02E06 The Funeral (1989)
A Bit of a Do S02E06 The Funeral (1989)
Transcript
00:00Hello? It's Councillor Simcock here.
00:04Look, I'll have to be brief, cos I'm at work, but I just wanted to say
00:08that I'll have to miss that sight inspection on Thursday.
00:12Yes.
00:14Yes, I've got a funeral and then a bit of a do back at the house.
00:20Yes, I think you could say it was someone I knew very well.
00:25Yes, it is. It's very sad.
00:30A bit of a do
00:35A bit of a do
00:39Smiling faces in public places
00:43Trying to hide your problems from your friends and relations
00:47A bit of a do
00:51Invited to a bit of a do
00:55It's a small town, posh, nosh affair
00:59Best behaviour, being aware
01:03Of others who are doing it too
01:07Others who are seeing through you
01:11A bit of a do
01:15All tickety-boo
01:20New dimensions for family tensions
01:24Mentioning the little things that shouldn't be mentioned
01:28A bit of a do
01:30Invited to a bit of a do
01:34Be-do-do
01:49Hello.
01:51Are you here?
01:53Oh, Lord, I've given you another chance to be sarcastic
01:56about me deeply searching philosophical questions.
01:59I wouldn't. Not today.
02:02I just meant I'm surprised you've been invited
02:05since you aren't, you know, family.
02:08I haven't been invited.
02:10I've come because I felt I must.
02:15Hello, Elvis.
02:17Hello, Carol.
02:21It's all right. Nothing's happened. We're not together again.
02:24I wasn't even thinking you might be.
02:26This is hardly the time for idle speculation.
02:29I'd have thought Carol and I being together again,
02:32if we were, which we aren't,
02:34would be too important to be described as idle speculation.
02:37Oh, Elvis, don't tell me that today of all days
02:40the great philosopher has discovered a talent for linguistic analysis.
02:43Mum.
02:45I'm sorry, love.
02:47It's nerves.
02:49I mean, it's all very well saying it's not got to be a sad occasion.
02:53It's to be a celebration of a life and not the mourning of a death,
02:56but it puts us in a very awkward position.
02:59I mean, if you do care, you're so sad you can't smile,
03:02and if you don't care, you're so anxious to look as though you do
03:05that you don't smile.
03:07I think everybody here today will care.
03:09True.
03:11I feel so...
03:13Oh, you know, some of the things I said.
03:17I feel awful.
03:23Oh, Bradley, look.
03:25Elvis just kissed Carol.
03:27Don't be so inquisitive.
03:29It isn't appropriate at a funeral, isn't curiosity?
03:32No, I know, but I was looking for crumbs of comfort.
03:35Crumbs of comfort? Elvis is in love with Jenny.
03:38Elvis kissing Carol isn't a crumb of comfort.
03:40It's a slice of trouble.
03:42No, but, well, I mean, if Elvis went back to Carol,
03:45then when Paul comes out of prison, he and Jenny...
03:48Well, I mean, he is the father of her children,
03:51and they like Carol.
03:53Well, I like them all.
03:55Yes, well, we can't stand here all day liking everybody.
03:58Come on, best foot forward.
04:00And smile.
04:02You what?
04:04Well, they said it's to be a happy day. You'd have wanted it.
04:06Not that I imagine they had riotous joy in mind.
04:08And smile a bit.
04:11Not too much.
04:14Hello, love.
04:16Hello.
04:18Hello, Elvis. Hello, Carol.
04:20We haven't got back together again, Betty.
04:23We just ran into each other.
04:25You make it sound like a traffic accident.
04:29First tactless remark of the day.
04:31Well, they said to me I was going to make the first tactless remark of the day.
04:34For what?
04:36Well, it's tactless. I'll make it now. It'll be the second tactless remark of the day.
04:38Well, you can't not now. Not after you.
04:40Well, I'm not whetted at appetites, exactly.
04:43I mean, we've none of us such insensitive appetites
04:45that there would be whetted by tactless remarks on such a sad occasion.
04:48But if you don't tell us what it is, I mean, we'll only be wondering.
04:51Oh, we're only human,
04:53thinking that it might be more tactless than what it is.
04:57Well, all right.
04:59I was going to say, I fancy this happened to Ted, of all people.
05:02He prides himself so much on his safe driving.
05:04Well, there you are.
05:06That's life.
05:08Well, it's hardly life, exactly, in this case.
05:10I think that's the trouble at funerals.
05:12Everything you say,
05:14the circumstances seem to blow it up out of all proportion.
05:18If you say we've got a nice day for it, it sounds heartless.
05:21And if you say we've got a rotten day for it, it sounds depressing.
05:24Best I just shut up, really.
05:26Elvis!
05:28I didn't mean it personally, Carol.
05:30Oh, Lord.
05:32I just meant it's...
05:34It's awful, standing around, talking like this, when...
05:39Oh, heck.
05:43No. I'll go.
05:45I'll go. Oh, thanks.
05:47Well, if you go, certain people in this gossip-mad town will only talk.
05:50Oh, Rita, as if anyone would today.
06:01Are you all right? Yeah.
06:03I'm sorry, Mum. This is stupid.
06:05There's nothing stupid about showing grief.
06:08I was just thinking.
06:10It just came home to me.
06:12Poor Dad.
06:14I know.
06:16Well, I shouldn't be saying this, today of all days.
06:19But since I'm thinking it, I may as well say it.
06:22I'll say it for you.
06:24Whatever Rodney might say about Dad's driving,
06:26you're amazed he never had an accident before.
06:28Oh, yes, frankly, I am.
06:32Go on. Better get in that church.
06:44I didn't know what to wear.
06:46I know. I mean, if it's black, at least you know where you are.
06:49Yes, I know. I mean, I kept saying to myself,
06:51what does it matter what you wear?
06:53I know, but it does. I know.
06:55I mean, I agree in theory about, you know, celebrating a life,
06:59not mourning a death, but, well, I mean, where does that leave us?
07:03I vowed years ago not to worry about social niceties like that any more.
07:08I know. But you still do.
07:10I know. Good God.
07:14Ted! Dad!
07:16Well, ten out of ten for recognition.
07:21This is your rum, too, isn't it?
07:28How are you, Mr Simcock?
07:32Alive, Carol.
07:35I'm alive.
07:38I'll go and help him sit down.
07:40Thanks, Carol.
07:42I don't know why I'm saying thanks.
07:44It's not my responsibility. I'm not married to him any more.
07:47Cos you're a warm-hearted person, Rita,
07:49and you know how much Ted is suffering.
07:51Nothing more painful than guilt.
07:53Not even two broken limbs and a sore head?
07:56No, probably not even that.
07:59Ooh!
08:12MUSIC PLAYS
08:28Don't say it. Say what, Rodney?
08:30What you're both thinking.
08:32How do you know what we're both thinking, Rodney?
08:35I can see it in your eyes. What can you see in her eyes, Rodney?
08:38What you're thinking. What are we thinking, Rodney?
08:41Look at what she's wearing.
08:44Look at it. Exactly.
08:46It's up to her to interpret what Neville would have wanted in the way she sees fit.
08:51Come on, let's get in that church.
08:55Well, come on!
08:57Don't look so miserable.
08:59Not what he would have wanted.
09:11I was mortified, Elvis, I was! I was mortified!
09:14Don't raise your voice, Ted. Let's not have a family row.
09:17It'd hardly be appropriate.
09:19Hardly be appropriate, the woman says.
09:21What's appropriate about being bleeped in the middle of a funeral oration?
09:25I mean, I couldn't believe it.
09:27There I was, solemn moment, and then bleep, bleep, bleep!
09:30Solemn moment, straight down the pan.
09:32I didn't know I was going to be bleeped.
09:34Well, why didn't you switch it off, then?
09:36I didn't know I was going to be bleeped.
09:38I didn't know I was going to be bleeped.
09:40Well, why didn't you switch it off, then?
09:42And regard that as dereliction of duty.
09:44Your true reporter never sleeps.
09:46Keep it on while you're at it.
09:48There's no need to be crude, Ted Simcox.
09:50Well, I mean, walking out in the middle of a funeral service.
09:54How was I mortified?
09:56I had to. I had to get in touch with the news desk.
09:59What was so important? It couldn't wait any road.
10:02An ongoing inquiry into professional corruption
10:05involving a guest at this funeral do.
10:08What?
10:09Who?
10:10I'm not at liberty to divulge.
10:12You're not going to do in-depth interviewing at this time of solemnity.
10:16Course I'm not. You think I don't know how to behave?
10:19Yes!
10:21Oh, we are sorry, Liz.
10:23Yes, yes, we're mortified.
10:25Oh, please don't worry about it.
10:27I think Neville would have rather enjoyed it.
10:31Is that woman made of ice?
10:33I didn't think so once.
10:35I hardly wanted to be reminded of that.
10:37I love you. I want you.
10:40Geoffrey, shut up.
10:43It's not appropriate.
10:46Grief is an aphrodisiac.
10:53Well, I think that was despicable.
10:56And so does Lucinda.
10:58It was very important that the news desk contact me
11:01before they do at the house.
11:03Why?
11:04Well, they want me to interview somebody
11:06involved in widespread corruption and dishonesty.
11:09And you're going to interview this corrupt person
11:12at my mother's husband's funeral?
11:14I think you're a reptile, Elvis.
11:16I'm so does Lucinda.
11:17No, I've to arrange to see this corrupt person
11:20at a time that suits this corrupt person.
11:24So, what time does suit you?
11:27Me?
11:28You.
11:30No, no, please.
11:32Yes.
11:33Hello, Betty.
11:34Oh, hello, Rodney.
11:36Thank you for coming.
11:38Lovely service.
11:39Just what Ada wanted.
11:41I think so.
11:42The house business?
11:43Oh, I was impressed when we visited you.
11:45Oh, thanks.
11:46Well, it hardly seems right to say it today,
11:49but it's going very well.
11:51Up 7.3% across the whole spectrum.
11:53No, please.
11:54No, Neville specifically wanted this
11:56to be a happy occasion.
11:58And 7.3% across the whole spectrum?
12:00Oh, that makes me very happy.
12:02Now, the champagne, please.
12:04Don't hold back from some sense of social propriety.
12:07Indulge yourselves just this once for Neville.
12:10Ted!
12:12You coping, Ted?
12:14Well, Carol, yes, been very helpful.
12:16Thank you for inviting me back, Mrs...
12:19Liz, I didn't expect it.
12:21I know, and if I thought you had,
12:23I wouldn't have invited you.
12:25Simon!
12:26Lucinda!
12:27So, six weeks to go.
12:29Mother, I think we should put the wedding back
12:32and so does Lucinda.
12:33I don't see any alternative under the circumstances.
12:36I won't hear of it.
12:37Neville would be most upset.
12:39Besides, we...
12:41I...
12:42Yes?
12:43I don't want any shadow hanging over my great day.
12:46Me neither.
12:47Over my great day.
12:49Well, isn't that a little selfish of you?
12:51I mean, think of Neville.
12:52He thought of everyone's happiness all the time.
12:54Think of me.
12:55I want a wedding.
12:56I'm going to need some fun.
12:58Now, off you go.
12:59Stop worrying and have some champagne.
13:01Champagne?
13:02To celebrate.
13:03Celebrate?
13:04Neville specifically asked for champagne in his will, Simon,
13:07to celebrate his life, his happy life.
13:09His long, idyllic first marriage
13:11and his short, idyllic second marriage is live.
13:13Mr Perkins, good to see you.
13:15And Mrs Perkins, what a charming little heart.
13:22Oh, thanks.
13:24You're a great girl.
13:26Well, thanks.
13:28My son's a fool.
13:30Well, no, not a fool.
13:32I mean, how could...
13:34I'll go and get you some food.
13:36Oh, right.
13:37Yes.
13:38No, I was just saying, Jenny,
13:40nobody could say anybody was a fool for falling in love with you.
13:43No, thanks, Ted.
13:44Neville wanted a day to be normal
13:46and there you are putting your foot in it as normal.
13:48Jenny!
13:49Oh, I'm sorry.
13:50I shouldn't have said that, not today.
13:52You should, according to your argument,
13:55because you normally say things like that.
13:57Ted!
13:58Oh, Jenny.
13:59I'm sorry.
14:00Oh, I am, I'm sorry.
14:02Oh, it's a pain.
14:03No, I'm finding it very hard
14:05to be my usual sunny, generous, jovial self.
14:08No, it's me as well, Ted.
14:11I'm finding it awful trying to be normal
14:13when I want to cry my eyes out.
14:15Oh, well, all of us, really.
14:17We were quite rude to Neville at times
14:19and he was such a lovely man.
14:21Why are we all so selfish, Ted?
14:23Because we're human, Jenny.
14:30Because we're human.
14:32I like that.
14:33Beg your pardon, sir?
14:35Oh, nothing, Eric, just nothing.
14:38Champagne, sir?
14:40Oh, I don't think I should in my condition.
14:43Oh, well, maybe I'd better...
14:45No, he would have wanted it.
14:47There you go, sir, tickety-but...
14:49You what, Eric?
14:51Well, it isn't, is it?
14:52I mean, whichever road you look at it.
14:54It isn't what, Eric?
14:55Tickety-boo, it isn't tickety-boo.
14:57What isn't tickety-boo, Eric?
14:59Life. Life, isn't?
15:02Oh, life.
15:04No, it isn't tickety-boo.
15:11Oh, I was just going to look for the food.
15:13I'm not so hungry, but...
15:14Why shouldn't you be hungry? Most people are.
15:16Tension makes them hungry.
15:18Come and have a quick look at the gun.
15:20What?
15:21I'd like to get out of it all for a moment, please.
15:23Yes.
15:25Yes, of course.
15:32Liz, I...
15:34Please.
15:35Now, before you say something, you'll regret it.
15:37No, no, no, no.
15:38I was going to say something nice.
15:40Precisely.
15:41You what?
15:42Well, before you say something nice, which you'll regret,
15:44I think I ought to make it clear that I'm not bearing the hatchet.
15:48I see.
15:49Oh, I'm talking to you today and today
15:51only because Neville would have wished it.
15:53And today his wishes are paramount.
15:55Well, well, yes.
15:57Yes, of course.
15:59Now, this little plot was Neville's pride and joy.
16:02Ah.
16:03Well, it's very nice.
16:06Oh, that's a lovely spire here.
16:09Neville and I had separate beds.
16:11Ah.
16:13Well, I don't think I want details...
16:15In the garden.
16:16I was speaking of the garden, Rita.
16:18Oh.
16:20Well, of course.
16:22I mean, as if you'd...
16:24Well...
16:25Well, I mean...
16:27Anyway, it's none of my...
16:29Sorry.
16:31This was my area over here.
16:33Oh, yes, well, it's very...
16:36Was?
16:38Will you move?
16:40No, I haven't really thought.
16:42Will I be able to sell
16:44with your ring road being built at the bottom of my garden?
16:47Ah.
16:49And here is the Magnolia.
16:52The fateful Magnolia.
16:57How naive of me not to realise where we were heading.
17:00I was surprised. It's beautiful, isn't it?
17:03Beautiful.
17:04Soon to be no more.
17:06No.
17:07I must go back and do my duty. Thank you, Rita.
17:09What for?
17:10Oh, this little talk.
17:11This little walk.
17:12They have made me feel better.
17:21Oh, Geoffrey.
17:22Rita.
17:23You're not going to tell me you want me again, are you?
17:25I'm not a bit upset, you know.
17:27You are upset, aren't you?
17:28Yes.
17:29It's Liz.
17:30Snap.
17:31She's shown me that Magnolia.
17:33It's become an obsession with her.
17:35Sometimes I think she cares more for that than she did for...
17:38What do you mean, snap?
17:40I'm upset about Liz.
17:42I'm dreadfully ashamed.
17:43What about?
17:44What is like of her?
17:46When I left England, she was a spoilt, selfish girl.
17:48I suppose I assumed she couldn't change and hadn't changed.
17:51Has she changed?
17:53I certainly didn't think her capable of the courage she's shown.
17:56Courage?
17:57Hiding her grief so bravely.
17:59Hiding her grief?
18:01Excuse me, darling.
18:02Back soon.
18:03Where are you going?
18:04Big Brother is going to be supportive for the first time in his life.
18:09Oh, gosh.
18:13Don't speak to me, then.
18:14Oh, I'm sorry, Ted. I didn't realise it was you.
18:17No, there are lots of people encased in plaster here, aren't there?
18:20I'm sorry.
18:26Well, how are you, then?
18:28I'll recover.
18:29The scars will heal.
18:31And the mental scars?
18:32Healed, almost.
18:34Forgotten she ever existed.
18:36She?
18:37Oh, Corinna, no, no, no.
18:39I meant the accident, Neville.
18:42You know.
18:43Rita, is it possible for a woman
18:46to entirely and utterly fool a man
18:49over experiencing sexual ecstasy?
18:53You what, Ted?
18:55Incidentally, I'm luckily undamaged in those areas.
18:59Oh, good.
19:01I'm relieved to hear it.
19:03I mean, I speak disinterestedly, of course.
19:06Yeah, no, no, of course, I realise that.
19:08I mean, those days...
19:10No, I mean, sexual ecstasy,
19:13can it be, you know, simulated?
19:16Ted, should we be discussing this here today?
19:19No, no, no, of course not, no, not at all.
19:22But you see, Corinna,
19:24she conned me in business.
19:26Is it possible that she could have conned me in...
19:29you know, in bed?
19:31Cos, I mean, she regularly made movements
19:34consistent with gratification,
19:37which she regularly uttered cries indicative of...
19:41ecstasy.
19:43She must have liked me a bit, wasn't she?
19:45Ted, I really don't think this is the time or place.
19:49No, no, no, not at all, no.
19:51Well, I'll change the subject.
19:53But you see, you,
19:55you know, you, sometimes in our marriage...
19:58Made movements consistent with gratification.
20:02Well, I mean, yes, you did.
20:06Uttered cries indicative of ecstasy.
20:09Oh, I mean, yes, you did.
20:13Were they?
20:16Sometimes.
20:18You what?
20:20Sometimes they were genuine.
20:23And sometimes I was giving you what I thought you wanted to hear.
20:28Rita!
20:29Ted, I really think we ought to change the subject.
20:33Yes, yes, yes.
20:35Oh, all right, cool, I mean...
20:37I mean, I don't think that I could trust a woman again.
20:41You know, I mean, if I felt...
20:45Karina, though, I mean, she couldn't have found me utterly repulsive.
20:49No, Ted.
20:51I dare say she couldn't have found you utterly repulsive.
20:55Oh, Ted.
20:57Oh, thank you, Rita.
20:59Thank you.
21:03I see Lizzie's talking to you.
21:06Yes, but only for today.
21:08After today, it's back to silence.
21:11It's pathetic.
21:12It's rather inconvenient as well, as I'm in love with her brother.
21:16I like your clothes, miss.
21:18Good heavens!
21:19Why good heavens?
21:20Oh, all sorts of reasons.
21:21Good heavens, Geoffrey's making small talk.
21:23Good heavens, Geoffrey said something nice to me.
21:26And good heavens, Geoffrey likes my clothes.
21:28Because everyone else disapproves.
21:30I didn't mean these in particular.
21:32I mean all your clothes.
21:33I like your dress sense.
21:34Good heavens!
21:35Once again, why good heavens?
21:37Good heavens, a member of the male sex has noticed my clothes.
21:41Good heavens, the great anthropologist
21:43who spent a lifetime studying people who run around in a buff
21:46can appreciate dress sense.
21:47And good heavens, Geoffrey has now said two nice things to me.
21:50Making when you include all the childhood years
21:53a grand total of two.
21:56More champagne, madam?
21:57Thank you, Eric.
21:58Tickety bloody boo.
22:01Well, for what it's worth,
22:02I missed you all those years I was abroad.
22:04Good heavens, meaning I hadn't the faintest idea.
22:07Nor did I till now.
22:09Silly, isn't it?
22:11Look, Liz, if there's anything you need,
22:14help, support, a roof, shoulder to lean on.
22:17You could help me now.
22:18At your service.
22:19Here comes Ted.
22:20I think I know what he wants to talk about.
22:22You can make yourself scarce and leave us alone.
22:24Oh, well, that was hardly...
22:27Well, all right.
22:30Hello, Ted.
22:31Oh, I am flattered.
22:32You what?
22:33You struggling all the way over to speak to me.
22:36Well, since you didn't even move an inch toward me...
22:39Oh, Lord, I never thought.
22:41Oh, not your strong point.
22:43Thank you very much.
22:44Oh, heck.
22:46Not a very good start.
22:48On what?
22:49Diplomacy. I'm not very good at it.
22:51Not having had much practice.
22:53Ouch.
22:54But, Liz, doesn't it,
22:57thing like this, put everything in proportion?
23:00Yes.
23:01So?
23:02No.
23:03What?
23:04The answer's no, Ted.
23:05I haven't asked the question yet.
23:06The question is, will I end my feud with Rita forever,
23:08become friends?
23:09You were going to say,
23:10I shall need friends and I shouldn't be petty.
23:12Oh, heck.
23:13Nicely put, Ted, but the answer's no.
23:16Liz, why?
23:17I can't do it, Ted. I don't know how to.
23:19Well, I feel sorry for you.
23:21Well, I feel sorry for you.
23:22Oh, spare me your pitying, girl.
23:24All right.
23:26All right.
23:36How much do you know?
23:38About what?
23:39Nothing.
23:40I've done nothing wrong.
23:41Why did you say, how much do you know, then?
23:43Because I'm not very good at this sort of thing.
23:45What sort of thing do you think this sort of thing is?
23:48Hounding innocent people.
23:50Making false allegations.
23:51The media.
23:53All right.
23:54Let me put it another way.
23:56What exactly do you falsely and ludicrously claim that I've done?
24:01I can't talk about it now, Simon.
24:03It's not the time or place.
24:09Thanks for not coming to meet me.
24:11Well, I know how much you enjoy feeling hard done by.
24:14That's the reward I get for trying to help.
24:16Trying to help?
24:17Yeah.
24:18I begged Liz to be friends with you.
24:21Oh, Ted, why?
24:23I don't know.
24:24I suppose I wanted you to remember me with some affection.
24:27Oh, thanks, Ted.
24:29No, I failed.
24:30She said I can't do it, Ted.
24:32I don't know how to.
24:33I feel sorry for her.
24:35That's what I said to her.
24:36She wasn't pleased.
24:37Well, thanks anyway.
24:44Well, look, Ted.
24:45How are you?
24:46Oh, terrific.
24:47Limping's me hobby.
24:51Well, I realise this isn't the time or the place,
24:54but how's business?
24:55Well, if it wasn't that on occasion like this,
24:57it would seem rather insensitive to say so.
25:00I'd say extremely satisfactory.
25:02Up 7.3% across the whole spectrum.
25:04Betty.
25:05Well, if you did say that,
25:07I might say equally insensitively
25:09that is there any chance of you reconsidering
25:11the possibility of my working for you?
25:13If you did say that, I might well reply not only insensitively
25:16but extremely bluntly that you described us
25:18as crackpot, lunatic, fringe, animal rights,
25:20trendy, hell food, freaky, nut nuts.
25:23Folk exaggerate, don't they?
25:26No, I've had time to think,
25:28you know, to reappraise my ideas
25:30vis-à-vis the other offers I've been considering
25:32and, well, you know, to put it frankly,
25:35I was wrong.
25:36I swore as to it.
25:37Oh, well, under the circumstances,
25:39I feel, don't we, Rodney?
25:40Yes, Betty, we do.
25:42And we have a vacancy for an experienced person
25:44to supervise our rapidly expanding
25:47organic fruit and vegetable buying operation.
25:49Incorporating nuts, grains and pulses.
25:51Oh, oh, good.
25:52Oh, good, good.
25:53I like the sound of it.
25:54No, I do, I do.
25:56Yeah, I do foresee the possibility
25:59of one slight snag.
26:03Rita works for you.
26:05Well?
26:06Well, I wouldn't want to embarrass her
26:08by having her working under me.
26:10Oh, no, there'll be nothing like that.
26:12Oh, good.
26:14You'll be working under Rita, Ted.
26:17Oh, stuff your organic fruit and vegetables.
26:23What's happening this weekend about visiting Paul?
26:25Oh, love, this isn't the time or the place.
26:28It never is with you, is it?
26:29Yes, it is, but this isn't.
26:31Well, I'd like to see him.
26:34All right, we'll go together, but we must tell him.
26:36We can't tell him while he's in prison.
26:38He's got enough to contend with.
26:39It's all very well for you, Jenny.
26:41You were his wife, now you aren't.
26:42I was his brother and still am.
26:44He's still the father of my children.
26:46He's the father of my children, too.
26:48Well, that's what I think of them as now.
26:52Look, I think we ought to go and see him on Sunday, together.
26:56And I should say, hello, Paul.
26:58I know you're very worried about Jenny
27:00ever since your marriage broke up because of what you did.
27:02But you needn't worry, because she's found another fella.
27:05And a good home for your children.
27:07And you'll be given full access, because you know the fella.
27:09In fact, you're related to him.
27:11In fact, it's me.
27:13This isn't the time or place.
27:18Liz.
27:21I'm sorry about my bleeper.
27:23Oh, please, never wanted everything to be normal.
27:26Yeah, but a funeral isn't normal.
27:28You must understand, my husband was the type of Englishman
27:31who believed that you don't show emotions.
27:34And all the misery that he revealed after his first wife died
27:37was a source of great shame to him.
27:39And to see us overcome today with grief would horrify him.
27:42We must respect his wishes, and you did that. Thank you.
27:48We all must die. You know that. You're the philosopher.
27:52If death is unpleasant,
27:54then life becomes a journey towards something unpleasant.
27:57Neville was happy for most of his life, and he went quickly.
28:00So, please, none of you grieve for him.
28:03As for me, well, I don't have any feelings, do I?
28:06I'm inhuman.
28:09Thank you.
28:29Sorry.
28:39Are you all right?
28:43Come in.
28:46Are you sure?
28:58Liz?
29:01I saw.
29:05I saw.
29:06You saw what?
29:09In the hall.
29:12Neville?
29:14Neville?
29:16I thought I saw him.
29:18At the top of the stairs.
29:21Complete with harp.
29:23Yes.
29:24I know, I saw.
29:26Well, I mean, not Neville and the harp,
29:29but I saw you thinking you saw him.
29:31I saw how much you loved him.
29:34Well, I did.
29:37Oh, yes, I did.
29:40Well, I never realised.
29:43No, no, nor did he.
29:45What?
29:48I never told him.
29:51Not properly.
29:54Not the depth of it.
29:57I never told him.
29:59The depth of it.
30:03You always think there's time.
30:06I know.
30:13The other Sunday,
30:16at Sunday lunch, all the family were there,
30:18Simon and Cinder and Jenny and the children and
30:21Elvis and
30:24I longed to say,
30:26I love you, Neville,
30:29with all my heart, but
30:31I looked at Simon and Cinder and Jenny and the children
30:34and Elvis and I said,
30:37would you like some more horseradish, darling?
30:40I tried to make it sound like I love you with all my heart, but I
30:45don't think he picked up on the subtext.
30:48Not very strong on subtext, Neville.
30:51No.
30:53No, he said, no thanks.
30:56No, I'm not actually the most tremendous horseradish freak.
31:02Oh, I think if he'd known what I meant, he'd have just said yes.
31:07Neville always wanted to do the right thing,
31:09you know, make people happy and not be a nuisance.
31:12It's ironic, isn't it?
31:14Even in death, he didn't want to be a nuisance.
31:17And he's ended up being the most enormous nuisance to me.
31:21What on earth do you mean?
31:22Oh, not wanting any unseemly grief,
31:25wanting everyone to be happy.
31:27Forcing me, in consideration of his wishes,
31:30to come in bright clothes.
31:32Enduring universal disapproval.
31:35Oh, nobody disapproves, Liz.
31:38Been in politics less than a year.
31:41Lying in your teeth already.
31:43Well, all right.
31:45People do disapprove.
31:47But only because they don't understand.
31:50So explain.
31:52What?
31:54Demean myself to that rabble.
31:58Arrogant, aren't I?
31:59Well...
32:01Arrogant, naughty, unfaithful Liz learns her lesson.
32:05It's given her comeuppance.
32:09Cruelly moral lady, Dame Fortune.
32:14Shall we end this stupid feud?
32:17Yes, please.
32:18Peace.
32:21Peace.
32:24Peace.
32:26OK, 182,000, not a penny less.
32:30Look, must rush. Bye.
32:34Carrying on business at your stepfather's funeral?
32:37That's rather disrespectful.
32:39It was urgent.
32:41And he wanted everything to be nought.
32:43I'm sure he hoped human greed could be suspended for an hour or two.
32:46Well, in that case, since you're showing no respect, I'll tell you what I know about you.
32:51You're involved up to your badly washed neck
32:53in arranging phony mortgages for ruthless property speculators
32:56to whom the council are giving hundreds of thousands of taxpayers' money
32:59to provide squalid bed and breakfast accommodation
33:02for the many homeless they can't afford to house
33:04because they're spending so much money on these phony mortgages
33:06that you're helping to finance.
33:09How much?
33:11That's typically your sort, straight to the checkbook.
33:14It won't work, Simon.
33:16Mother would be very upset to hear what you're doing.
33:19And so will Jenny.
33:22Oh, Lord.
33:26Oh, Lord.
33:29What's going on, Elvis?
33:30Nothing, love, nothing.
33:32Well, what were you and Simon talking about?
33:33Nothing, love. Nothing to do with anything to do with you.
33:36What are Simon and Lucinda talking about?
33:38Nothing, love. Nothing to do with anything to do with anything to do with you, love.
33:42If you were telling the truth, you'd have said you didn't know what they're talking about.
33:44I don't. I don't know, and since I don't know,
33:47I assume that it's nothing to do with anything to do with anything to do with anything to do with you.
33:51I hope you are telling the truth.
33:53I couldn't bear it if you lied to me.
33:56Oh, heck.
33:58If it's nothing important, why is Jenny so interested?
34:00She's always been like that.
34:02It doesn't mean anything.
34:04Don't you trust me?
34:06Yes, of course I do.
34:08I trust you utterly.
34:09Do you?
34:10Oh.
34:12I know I shouldn't say this on an occasion like this,
34:15but I can barely wait till our wedding night when you take my body.
34:19Well, I...
34:21Terrific.
34:23I, um...
34:24Terrific.
34:26You see, you may not be the subtlest person in the world.
34:29I see.
34:30You aren't exactly a genius.
34:32You aren't exceptionally good-looking.
34:34Well, fairly good-looking, but not exceptionally.
34:36But I've never met a man I feel I can trust like I feel I can trust you.
34:43Oh, Lord.
34:45Look, I've been thinking about those other offers that I've been offered.
34:51Well, they're...
34:53Non-existent.
34:54That's it.
34:55Well, I was going to say that they were unexciting, unenticing, but...
34:58What the hell?
34:59You're right.
35:00They're non-existent.
35:03Oh, Lord.
35:04People think we don't care.
35:05They know we care.
35:08Sorry, Ted, you were saying?
35:09Oh, yes, yes, I was, I was saying.
35:11Look, I've been thinking it would be wrong of me to refuse to work for you
35:15just because I'd be working under Rita.
35:18No, I'm a bigger man than that.
35:19Much bigger.
35:20Very much bigger.
35:23No, I'm just ashamed that I didn't see what you saw.
35:27That Liz is putting on a big brave act.
35:30Well, perhaps this is the first time she's experienced real emotion for anyone other than herself.
35:35Yeah.
35:36Perhaps this late awakening of love is a characteristic of us Ellsworth's minds.
35:41No, don't.
35:43Not here.
35:45I found our joy indecent today.
35:48Rita.
35:49Oh, Jeffrey.
35:50Rita.
35:51I bring you good news.
35:53I'm going to be working under you.
35:55What?
35:56Well, I'll need you to be pleased.
35:57I've joined the Sillitoes.
35:59It'll be right cosy being close to each other again.
36:02You, working with a person like me, you spreads nothing but joy and happiness around.
36:08Oh, don't be too hard on yourself, Ted.
36:11You what?
36:12Well, blaming yourself for Neville's death.
36:16Don't blame myself.
36:18Blame the design of cars.
36:25Marry me, Rita.
36:26You what?
36:27Marry me.
36:28What a time to propose.
36:29I studied the sexual stimulation of grief among primitive people, so I never thought I'd experience it myself.
36:33Are you feeling grief?
36:35Yes.
36:36For Neville, for Liz.
36:38For myself, for not recognising that my hostility to her was thwarted brotherly love.
36:42Exactly.
36:43So, we can't get engaged today.
36:46Not publicly, no.
36:47But just between the two of us, will you marry me?
36:49Oh, Lord.
36:50Oh, Lord.
36:51Very much, oh, Lord.
36:53Oh, Lord.
36:54Why should I marry you?
36:56I mean, I'm not even married.
36:57Why should I marry you?
36:59I mean, I'm not incomplete without a man.
37:01I mean, I love you.
37:03But do I want to enter into that male-dominated institution again and change my name to Ellsworth Smythe?
37:10You'll change mine.
37:12To Simcock?
37:14Hopefully not, but what about your maiden name?
37:18Sprague.
37:20Why not?
37:22You loved your parents.
37:23Would you?
37:24Women change their names without a second thought.
37:27Why shouldn't I?
37:28Anyway, I rather like it.
37:30Geoffrey Sprague.
37:33Blunt, honest, down-to-earth.
37:36I never really felt double-barrelled.
37:39This proposal wouldn't have anything to do with me going to be working in close proximity with Ted, would it?
37:47Absolutely.
37:48What?
37:49In all the films I really like, Rita,
37:51a man arrives at a small town alone, by train or on horseback, has trouble.
37:56He sorts it out.
37:58He leaves alone, by train or on horseback.
38:01I've been that man all my life.
38:03The last few weeks I've begun to wonder rather timidly whether I want to be alone anymore.
38:07Just a moment ago, I felt a magnificent shaft of naked jealousy.
38:11I'll marry him, Rita.
38:13I'm not leaving town on the Santa Fe.
38:16I'll let you know.
38:17I'll let you know.
38:20That would be very kind.
38:26Champagne, madam?
38:27Yes.
38:28Thanks, Eric.
38:30Do you know, my sister-in-law's uncle fell off some scaffolding when he was 93.
38:35The man mending his roof was 74.
38:37Good Lord.
38:38You're forced to wonder, aren't you, because I'm in the building.
38:41Now, he was a member of the Plymouth Brethren
38:43and ascribed his longevity to righteousness and abstinence.
38:46But my sister-in-law's uncle drank like a fish.
38:49He was in the pub crib team till he was 88.
38:52Then he pretended he was resigning because of failing eyesight,
38:55but the real reason was his girlfriend.
38:57She was 85.
38:59She wanted him to meet her after her pottery classes
39:01because she was frightened of being mugged
39:03and he didn't want the lads in the crib team to think he was hand-packed.
39:06And this was in Ross-on-Wye, not Chicago.
39:10What?
39:12Oh, I'm sorry, Eric.
39:13All that was rude of me
39:14and your stories are always absolutely fascinating.
39:16It's just, I'm thinking,
39:18I've got a very important decision to make.
39:21Well, let's have another Valabon or a Tortilla Chip, no doubt.
39:35I've been trying not to tell you
39:37because it doesn't seem right to be pleased about anything today,
39:40but I've done it and I feel terrific.
39:43You've done what, Carol?
39:45I've enrolled for three A-levels.
39:47I've taken the first tentative step up the ladder to self-fulfillment.
39:50Oh, that's great, Carol.
39:53Well done.
39:55Who knows where it'll end?
39:57The poly? University?
39:59Wouldn't it be a laugh if I got a better degree than Elvis?
40:01It's all thanks to your encouragement.
40:03I've given up men completely.
40:05They only want one thing.
40:07Yesterday, this fitter with two tattoos asked me out
40:09and I thought to myself,
40:11Simone de Beauvoir never went out with a fitter with two tattoos.
40:13Don't become a snob, whatever you do, Carol.
40:16Oh, it wasn't because he was a fitter.
40:18Oh, because of the two tattoos.
40:20I mean, all men are the same, aren't they?
40:22Well, not quite all men, Carol.
40:25You what?
40:27Geoffrey's just proposed to me.
40:29You've turned him down.
40:31Well, not in so many words.
40:34It isn't as simple as that, love.
40:36Would you say it isn't as simple as that
40:38if he wasn't a successful anthropologist
40:40but a fitter with two tattoos?
40:43Liz, one of the sad aspects of this,
40:46you know, very sad affair is that
40:48my son,
40:50our son,
40:52is going to be without a father for the second time.
40:55You're suggesting that you and I...
40:57No, no, no, no.
40:59Bloody hell, no.
41:01I mean, not unless, you know, over a minute, isn't it?
41:03But when he grows up, he won't remember, Neville.
41:05I mean, he won't.
41:07So, Liz, I'm offering to
41:09you visit him, you know, take him out for the day,
41:11take him to the zoo,
41:13fill in that gap in his psyche,
41:15that sort of thing.
41:17Are you saying all this because you feel so guilty?
41:19Guilty? What on earth do you mean?
41:21You were driving the car.
41:23I wasn't.
41:25I wasn't driving, he was.
41:27What?
41:29Oh, yeah.
41:31I thought everyone knew that.
41:33Oh, heck, now I realise what Rita meant.
41:36No, look,
41:38he gave me a break.
41:40He drove for a bit.
41:41And,
41:43look,
41:45Neville, he tried to indicate right,
41:47but he got the windscreen wiper instead.
41:49And this car was overtaken,
41:51and it's a broadside.
41:54Look,
41:56let's talk about it some other time, shall we?
41:58About little Jocelyn.
42:00I mean, I would like to have one son
42:02I could be proud of.
42:04Oh, hello, Elvis, all right?
42:06Good, good boy.
42:08Not that my lads are bad lads.
42:09Liz,
42:11about Neville,
42:13it was quick.
42:15He knew nothing about it.
42:17Thank you.
42:19It's all right.
42:21Look on the right side, eh, love?
42:23Eh? I mean,
42:25where he is, we don't know.
42:27We can't.
42:29You know, maybe he's happy.
42:31Maybe he's reunited with Jane.
42:34I think it would stretch a point for me
42:36to regard that prospect as lying.
42:37It would stretch a point for me
42:39to regard that prospect as looking on the bright side.
42:43Oh, heck.
42:52Oh, where are you going?
42:54Oh, you know.
42:56Can I help?
42:58Oh, thanks.
43:02Oh,
43:04it's going to be lovely having you working for us, Ted,
43:05lovely.
43:07Oh, thanks.
43:09No, Elvine, it is.
43:11It's going to be lovely.
43:13Thanks.
43:15I mean, all right.
43:17He said we'd be bankrupt by Christmas,
43:19but that's forgiven.
43:21Thanks.
43:23OK.
43:25He called us freaky creaky nutcutter folk,
43:27but that's forgotten because,
43:29and this is the point,
43:31it's going to be lovely having you working for us.
43:33Thanks.
43:35Thank you, Betty.
43:38Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey,
43:40you can't come any further.
43:42Are you sure?
43:44I mean, if you need help,
43:46there's no need to be coy.
43:48Oh, no, I'm not coy, Betty,
43:50but, you know, I can manage.
43:52Yes, because there's nothing to be coy about.
43:54I mean, we've all got them.
43:56You what?
43:58Well, no, women haven't.
44:00We've got other things,
44:02but we have all got parts of the body
44:03Well, thank you very much, Betty,
44:05but I'll be all right.
44:07All right, message received.
44:09You're coy, understood.
44:11No, I'm not coy, you know,
44:13but I can manage.
44:15If you get into difficulty,
44:17shout nurse.
44:18Oh.
44:30We negotiated a fee, Mrs. Badger.
44:34Oh, yes, I...
44:36It's all right.
44:38I don't want it.
44:40Would you send it to a charity of Mr. Badger's choice?
44:43With pleasure.
44:45I mean, be invited to do the honours here today
44:46ahead of every barman in the town.
44:48It's been the culmination of my life's work.
44:51Well,
44:53very glad you feel that way.
44:55He was a fine man, Mrs. Badger.
44:57Eric, please.
44:59There aren't many of us left.
45:01Oh, Eric,
45:03you're going to make me cry again,
45:05and I've been trying so hard not to.
45:13Hi, Eric.
45:15Oh, yes.
45:17Oh, thank you, Betty.
45:20Ted.
45:22Ted,
45:24have you ever loved somebody
45:26and been too shy to tell them?
45:29No, no, shyness has never been...
45:31Oh, I have.
45:33I've met a man
45:35and loved him for many years
45:37and said nothing.
45:39Met him regularly,
45:41said nothing.
45:43I don't think I need to tell you
45:45Betty.
45:47Betty, you mean...?
45:49Precisely.
45:51Someone not a million miles
45:53from the spot on which I'm standing on.
45:55And then,
45:57the time came when I realised
45:59I had to admit my secret love
46:01so that my secret love
46:03would be no secret
46:05any more.
46:07It sounds familiar,
46:09is it, Shakespeare?
46:11Anyway,
46:13the time came
46:15when I said
46:17I love you
46:19with all my heart.
46:22Oh, Betty.
46:24No!
46:26No, not you, Ted!
46:28Ow!
46:30What's happened?
46:32He attacked me!
46:34Ted?
46:36He made advances about my purse
46:38with an arm and a leg in plaster.
46:40That must be some kind of record.
46:42No, I didn't.
46:43She loved me.
46:45Oh, I didn't, I didn't.
46:47I told him how much I loved you, Rodney.
46:49Oh, Betty, you mean to say
46:51Betty, that you were talking.
46:53Help me, somebody!
46:55Shut up!
46:57Rodney,
46:59I told him how
47:01when we first met
47:03how I was a nurse
47:05and how you were in bed with
47:07well, we won't tell them what he had
47:09and how shy we were
47:11and how many years it was before
47:13we found each other.
47:15Oh, you do believe me, don't you, Rodney?
47:17Of course I do.
47:19There you go, sir, tickety-boo.
47:21All right, thank you.
47:23Are you all right, Ted?
47:25I think so.
47:27Good. You're sacked.
47:28You what?
47:30Thinking Betty and I, like everyone else,
47:32carry it on.
47:34Well, then,
47:36not everyone else.
47:38So conceited you think every woman loves you.
47:40You're sacked.
47:41I had more like 400 in mind.
47:43All right.
47:45You can have it.
47:47You're sacked.
47:49400 pound a week down the drain.
47:51Come on, old girl.
47:53Come on, Ted.
47:55Oh, yes.
47:57A lovely party, Liz.
47:59Most enjoyable.
48:01Betty.
48:03Oh, no.
48:05No, not enjoyable.
48:07Awful.
48:09Oh, no.
48:10No, not a bad job.
48:12Good night.
48:14No, not night.
48:16Afternoon.
48:18I'm sorry, Liz.
48:20It's the emotion I'm so sorry.
48:22It's all right.
48:34Liz.
48:36I'm sorry.
48:38It's all right.
48:40I think the dear man would have seen the funny side.
48:43Don't you, Rita?
48:45Yes, I rather think he would, Liz.
48:52I think it would have tickled Neville Pink.
48:55Oh, Liz.
49:00Wouldn't it?
49:02My love.
49:10Oh.
49:40Oh.
49:42Oh.
49:44Oh.
49:46Oh.
49:48Oh.
49:50Oh.
49:51Oh.
49:53Oh.
49:55Oh.
49:57Oh.
49:59Oh.
50:01Oh.
50:03Oh.
50:05Oh.
50:07Oh.
50:08Oh.
50:10Oh.
50:12Oh.
50:14Oh.
50:16Oh.
50:18Oh.
50:20Oh.