A Bit Of A Do S02E04 The Farewell Party
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00:00Hello, Pete. Look, I'm having a bit of a do on Friday, wondered if you'd like to come.
00:10It's my farewell do. Well, I'm leaving the country to go and live in Africa. What do
00:16you mean you wouldn't miss a celebration like that?
00:23A bit of a do. A bit of a do. Smiling faces in public places, trying to hide your problems
00:35from your friends and relations. A bit of a do. Invited to a bit of a do.
00:45It's a small town, hush-nosh affair. Best behavior, being aware of others who are doing it too.
00:56Others who are seeing through you. A bit of a do. All tickety-boo.
01:08New dimensions for family tensions. Mentioning the little things that shouldn't be mentioned.
01:15A bit of a do. A bit of a do. Invited to a bit of a do.
01:23A bit of a do.
01:41Not tonight, Josephine.
01:43Olive!
01:44What? Oh, you're...
01:46Would you like some stuffed olives before the rush?
01:48No, no, no. No, thank you, Eric. Oh, look at this buffet, Eric, eh? Smoked salmon, fresh salmon, caviar.
01:56Not that I rate caviar, me. No, in my book it's just like fish roe.
02:00Oh, I'm writing a book about the barman's art. There's going to be a whole chapter devoted to the neglected art of the tasty titbit.
02:06Oh, it's going to be a right classy do. A lot of folk are going to have to revise their opinion of Ted Simcock posthumously.
02:12Posthumously?
02:13Because, I mean, it's an integral part of the barman's art, is the strategic placing of well-chosen salty knickknacks.
02:18Oh, when I say posthumously, you know what I mean. When I've gone.
02:21That's right. Don't listen to a word I say, ignorant pig.
02:29Elvis! Elvis! It's fancy dress!
02:34Yeah, well, I'm afraid it just isn't me, Dad.
02:36Oh, heck! This is supposed to be my sophisticated glittering farewell.
02:41And what do my sons do? One only says he may be able to turn up, the other doesn't even bother to dress up.
02:47I mean, really, Elvis.
02:49Yeah, well, I just can't see Jean-Paul Sartre making a berk of himself by coming to a party dressed as Napoleon.
02:54Hey, wait, you... Lovely, lovely.
02:58Oh, yeah, well done, well done.
03:03There you are. You see, the lads from the Halifax Building Society are not too proud to let their hair down.
03:08What's so special about Jean-Paul Ruddy Sartre, eh?
03:11Lads, welcome to my humble party.
03:14Champagne, sir?
03:16I'd prefer a pint of bitter.
03:18Oh, no problem, can do, tickety-boo.
03:21Oh, I wish I'd got the courage to come dressed like you.
03:25I wish I'd got the courage to come dressed like you.
03:28Oh.
03:33Oh.
03:38Liz.
03:40Neville, hello.
03:42Hello, hello, hello. I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you a few questions.
03:45Yes, amazingly amusing. It's incredibly inventive.
03:50Well, they're not exactly integrated costumes, though, are they?
03:54I thought that you might at least be enough to water Raleigh.
03:58Excuse me.
04:00Well, Neville and Jane were Elizabeth and Raleigh.
04:03They were Antony and Cleopatra.
04:05They were every romantic pair in history.
04:07Jane loved fancy dress.
04:09She brings it all back.
04:11His perfect first marriage, I feel, about two foot high, Ted.
04:14Liz, um, look, tonight may be the last time that we see each other again before I go to Nairobi,
04:21which means it might, might be the last time that we see each other again ever.
04:28I wonder if you'd do something really special for me tonight.
04:31Ted!
04:33No, not that.
04:35No, how could you think that, eh?
04:38And how could you, of all people, be outraged even if you did think that, eh?
04:44No, what I mean is, will you suspend your feud with Rita?
04:48Just for tonight, at any rate.
04:49You know, for Corinda and me, as a personal favour.
04:52I don't think I owe you any favours.
04:53I'm appealing to your better nature.
04:55Rita is deliberately humiliating me, Ted.
04:57She is lopping a lump off my garden with her ring load.
04:59She is destroying my magnolia.
05:01Eighteen rose bushes.
05:02Enough said. Enough said. Enough said.
05:04Ah, now, um, come, come.
05:07Look, I'd like you to come and meet the gentleman from the Halifax Building Society.
05:12Come, come.
05:13That's here, you see.
05:14I'd love you to meet Liz Badger.
05:17Hello, boys.
05:21Neville, Neville.
05:22I know.
05:24My love for Liz, Ted, can't erase all memory of Jane.
05:27Every now and then something brings it back and my heart and stomach lurch.
05:31I know. I know.
05:32And in your time, you and Jane have come as every famous pair in history.
05:36Every pair except Joseph and Mary.
05:38But there are people in this town who'd be very offended if Liz came as the Virgin Mary.
05:44Yes.
05:45Yeah, I'll take your point.
05:46Look, uh, Neville.
05:48I've sown the seed in Liz.
05:50I'd like you to water that seed.
05:52I beg your pardon?
05:53Hm?
05:54No, I mean, I've asked her to suspend her feud with Rita.
05:58Just for tonight, anyway.
05:59If you'd like...
06:00Oh, no. Oh, no.
06:02Thank you.
06:15Take me home, Neville.
06:16No, no, Liz.
06:17Oh, Lord.
06:18In the bar, quick.
06:24Rita.
06:25Hello, Geoffrey.
06:26Rita, what on earth possessed you to come as Queen Elizabeth?
06:30How like a man to blame his ex-wife rather than his ex-mistress for the unfortunate coincidence.
06:35Hm?
06:36No, no, I didn't mean that.
06:37I mean, it isn't you, is it?
06:39It isn't absolute monarchy.
06:40I mean, it isn't.
06:41You're a socialist, Councillor.
06:43I'm also a woman.
06:45And how.
06:46Sorry, Ted, I didn't mean to embarrass you.
06:49Hm?
06:50No, no, no, that's all right.
06:51It's all right.
06:52Well, Rita and I are...
06:53Yesterday's cold potatoes.
06:55Yes, yes.
06:56No.
06:57Yeah.
06:58No.
06:59I mean...
07:00Well, in a way.
07:01I mean...
07:02Rita and I are both in love again.
07:04Where is Corinna?
07:05Oh, you know.
07:07Struggling to get into her costume.
07:09Oh, it's her athlete's heel.
07:11It's time.
07:13If you go home, everyone will remember it as the time you both came as Queen Elizabeth
07:17and she stayed and you ran away.
07:18I haven't much choice, have I?
07:20I don't think so.
07:21Brazen it out.
07:22Show a bit of style.
07:23It is a deliberate campaign to ridicule me.
07:25If it is, and I don't say that I agree it is,
07:27then by rising above it, you'll make her look ridiculous.
07:31Darling, do you remember what happened at this table?
07:35We got engaged.
07:37Yes.
07:38I love you, Liz.
07:42You almost called me Jane then.
07:45I wonder how many times you'll call me Jane before the evening's out.
07:48No, I didn't.
07:49I wouldn't.
07:51No comparison?
07:56Liz.
07:57Tell her how you used to pull my hair, Geoffrey.
08:01Did you?
08:02Not every day.
08:04I was pretty horrid to her, but then she was extremely horrid to me.
08:08She cut the squeak out of my favourite teddy.
08:12Well, this will be the final straw.
08:14What will?
08:16My loving you.
08:17Ladies and gentlemen, my name is Dale Monsell,
08:22and this is my quartet.
08:24Music is our business, delight is our aim.
08:28Therefore, let us plunge headlong,
08:32metaphorically speaking,
08:34into the mythical blue river that watered the fertile fields
08:38of the Austro-Hungarian Empire.
08:42One, two, three.
08:44Is that why you love me?
08:46Because it'll be the last straw for Liz?
08:48Of course not.
08:50It does add a twist of pepper to the stew, though, doesn't it?
08:52The stew?
08:54What a romantic image, not even a casserole.
08:57Peter, I can't give you romantic images.
09:00What I can promise you, my darling,
09:02is that I really will try never to say anything even remotely hurtful to you.
09:07Good God.
09:11Who are those idiots?
09:13My two best friends and my daughter-in-law.
09:16Sorry.
09:20Hello.
09:21Hello, hello, hello.
09:24Well, what are you, set of traffic lights?
09:26Peppers.
09:27You are?
09:28Red, green and yellow peppers.
09:29Simple as, our vegetarian restaurant.
09:31Oh, I see, you're advertising your business even at my farewell, do I?
09:34No room for shrinking violence in business, Ted.
09:37Oh, rather look, Liz and Rita have all come dressed as Queen Elizabeth.
09:40Betty, dignity.
09:42As befits the joint managing director of Cillodale.
09:45Oh, heavens, yes, they look identical.
09:48Oh, Lord, I must go to...
09:50Well, whichever of them I decide, I feel sorry as for most.
09:56I know, Simon de Beauvoir would never have been seen dead dressed as a green pepper.
10:00I never said anything.
10:02Haven't you come as anything?
10:03I can't, I might get bleeped.
10:05What?
10:06The news desk have given us bleepers, in case big stories break suddenly.
10:09I mean, I couldn't go on a big story dressed as a parsnip, could I?
10:12Well, you wouldn't go during Ted's farewell party, would you?
10:15I might have to.
10:16True radio reporters never off duty, you know what I mean?
10:19Might be a big ecological disaster.
10:21Every fish in the garret poisoned by leaking drums of cyanide.
10:24Couldn't stuff myself on smoked salmon while those poor silver-bellied fish are gasping for life, could I?
10:28Of course you couldn't.
10:30Oh, I shouldn't have said...
10:32Oh, Elvis.
10:34Oh, Lord, those poor fish, I think I'm going to cry.
10:40Well, champagne or...?
10:42Ted, you may not have noticed, but...
10:44At the grand opening of Silly Toast...
10:46We both got...
10:47Slightly inebriated.
10:48You showed us the error of our ways.
10:50Oh, I see you've given up drinking for good.
10:52No, we got a full licence.
10:54You don't have to be miserable to be vegetarian.
10:56Oh, no, no, how's business?
10:58Good.
10:59Very good.
11:00Oh, well, good.
11:01No, I mean that, it's good.
11:02Good, I'm glad you mean it, Ted.
11:04No, I do, I do, I really do mean it.
11:06Yes, well, we believe you.
11:08Good, because I do.
11:09I really do mean it.
11:11Our prospects are good.
11:13Corinna's made a flying visit to Nairobi...
11:15And negotiated for four prime sites for our restaurants.
11:18She says the prospects are very good.
11:20Good?
11:21Very good.
11:22Where is Corinna?
11:24Oh, it's the rift in the diamond, that's the flaw in the loot.
11:28What is?
11:29Corinna's timekeeping.
11:31You know, she's a bit...
11:32Oh, look, excuse me.
11:35The penguin's eating all the salmon.
11:38I hope nothing's wrong.
11:40Oh, so do I, so do I.
11:42No, I really do.
11:43Good.
11:47Oh, hey.
11:48Simon.
11:51Lucinda.
11:52I'm Noel Coward.
11:53Of course you are.
11:55I'm Mae West.
11:59Quite a few people already.
12:01Yes, yes.
12:02You're going to have to do better than that.
12:04What?
12:05Well, as Noel Coward, you've got to be a bit more sparkling.
12:07Oh, yes, right.
12:08Absolutely.
12:12Oh, well, come on, Lucinda.
12:14Lucinda, say something outrageously provocative and sexy.
12:19Oh, Lorks.
12:20I don't know if I can.
12:30Hello, Noel.
12:31Come on, say something amazingly witty, then.
12:33Oh, belt up, you stupid twit.
12:35Oh, very good.
12:37Such elegance.
12:38Anybody got a pencil?
12:39I must write that down.
12:43I'm beginning to wonder whether this was such a good idea.
12:48Hello, Carol.
12:49You look...
12:50Ridiculous?
12:51No, great.
12:54What are you?
12:55Mary Lloyd.
12:56Oh, right.
12:57Who?
12:58She was a legendary comedian and singer of music, all songs.
13:01My dad had this thing about her, so I've sort of grown up with her.
13:05Terrific.
13:08I like your outfit.
13:09Very inventive.
13:14Oh, ha!
13:15Carol.
13:16Oh, fantastic.
13:17You've got Vestatilioft of tea.
13:19I'm Mary Lloyd.
13:20Hmm?
13:21Oh.
13:22Oh, right.
13:23Right.
13:24Well, look, there's champagne, caviar, you know, asparagus, wild salmon, dale monsel.
13:29Enjoy yourself.
13:30Oh, look, it sounds like quite a platy-doon.
13:32Don't sound so surprised.
13:34Ted Simcock's quite a classy fellow, isn't he?
13:45Don't tell me.
13:46You're the Invisible Man.
13:48That's right.
13:49And you're sweating in there and you're wondering why the hell you chose it.
13:57Oh, bad luck.
13:58We've already got the policeman.
14:00Mr Simcock?
14:01I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you some questions.
14:03Oh.
14:04Oh, good.
14:05No, you've got all the chat.
14:06Would you like some champagne?
14:07I don't, but I'm on duty.
14:10Brilliant, yeah, brilliant.
14:11Brilliantly.
14:12Very original.
14:13That's it, well done.
14:14No, sir, I really am a police officer.
14:17Sergeant Mallet.
14:18B Division.
14:21Do you know a woman called Jessica Mardenborough?
14:25No.
14:26Also known as Fiona Benbow-Jones?
14:28Also known as Corinna Price-Rogerson?
14:32Yes.
14:34Look, if this is a joke...
14:35I'm afraid it's no joke, sir.
14:37The woman, whose real name, incidentally, is Mavis Stant,
14:41has been arrested at the airport,
14:43trying to leave the country on a false passport.
14:50If this is a joke, you're in trouble, pal.
14:54It's no joke, sir.
14:55It's no joke, sir.
14:57She's a con artist and a bigamist.
15:07I'm sorry, sir.
15:09I can't help it.
15:13I found it up to her own token.
15:16Hello, hello, hello.
15:17I'm going to have to ask you to accompany us to the station.
15:19Oh, shut up, you twerp!
15:22Take it away, maestros.
15:41Enjoy yourselves.
15:42Oh, good, good.
15:43Look at your outfit.
15:45Well done, well done.
15:48Ted's bearing down on us. Let's dance.
15:51No, if you won't dance with me,
15:53because it reminds you of dancing with Jane,
15:55I won't dance with you, just to avoid Ted.
15:57Hello, Ted.
15:59I just wanted to have a word with Neville.
16:01Nothing's private in our marriage, Ted.
16:03Do you remember what our children said?
16:04Marriage is a totality of shared experience.
16:08Yes.
16:09Pompers know all little pipsqueaks.
16:11Fat lot of good it did them.
16:15It's all right. No, you needn't go all this.
16:17Thank you, sir.
16:19It's just that I find apologising difficult.
16:21Well, I thought you'd get enough practice.
16:23How do you understand why I wanted to talk to Neville alone?
16:25Sorry.
16:28Sorry, Neville, it's just that, um...
16:31I'm sorry if I was a bit rude and angry earlier.
16:35Don't worry, Ted, I'm used to it.
16:37I always try and be pleasant to people,
16:39and then I think, oh, Lord, they're going to be rude to me.
16:41And they are.
16:42It gives me a certain grim satisfaction at my accurate prediction.
16:47It's just that, um...
16:49You know, you dressed as a policeman,
16:52and there being a real policeman here, I just, um...
16:55Why is the real policeman here?
16:57Oh, um...
16:59He came with a message from Corinna.
17:01She... she can't come.
17:03No, she's, um...
17:05Not well. She's got a touch of the flu.
17:07Has she rang the police?
17:09Yeah, well, she forgot the name of the hotel.
17:11Um...
17:12You know, she's not feeling herself, poor darling.
17:15She says she's semi-delirious.
17:17And the police came to tell you?
17:19They claim they're grossly undermanned.
17:21Yes, um...
17:23See, I was so disappointed about hearing about Corinna that I...
17:27You know, I just flew off the, um...
17:31So, sorry.
17:41Enjoying yourselves?
17:42Good, that's the idea, well done.
17:46What's wrong, Ted?
17:47What do you mean, what's wrong? Nothing's wrong.
17:51You can't believe that things can go all right for me, can you?
17:53They can go right, they are right.
17:55Nothing's wrong, all right.
17:57You don't live with somebody for 25 years without getting to know them,
18:00and I know that something is very wrong.
18:06It's Corinna.
18:08She's gone.
18:10Gone?
18:12Gone.
18:13She's gone.
18:15None of it was true, Rita.
18:17Not even her name.
18:20No, I've been conned.
18:22Made for Ted Simcox, man of the world.
18:24Blunt, no-nonsense Yorkshireman.
18:27Shrewd businessman, conned.
18:30Because of love.
18:32Oh, Ted.
18:35Oh, Ted.
18:37Did you ever really...
18:40No.
18:41What? What, did I ever really what?
18:43Oh.
18:44Well, I'm...
18:46Oh, Lord, I can't say it.
18:50Rita, I'm a mature businessman with a strong character and personality.
18:53Now, don't patronise me, all right?
18:56Right.
18:58Well...
19:00I mean...
19:02Didn't it ever strike you as rather unbelievable
19:05that a beautiful, elegant, sophisticated, wealthy virgin
19:10should fall head over heels in love with you at first sight?
19:14Well, now, didn't it?
19:18Well, yes.
19:20No, yes, of course, I mean...
19:22No, I was suspicious from the word go.
19:24I mean, I was right from the start.
19:25I thought, they aren't dead.
19:26I thought, I don't know, what's this one's game?
19:28You know, double barrel, give over, father of bishop,
19:31entire family conveniently in Africa.
19:34Oh, no, come on, pull the other one.
19:37I mean, she's a tarty piece underneath.
19:41But...
19:42But?
19:44But love.
19:47I loved her, Rita.
19:49Oh, Ted.
19:52Forget her.
19:53Forget her? How can I? The cow's gone off with all me money.
19:56Money? What money? I didn't think you had any money.
19:59Yes, well, Rodney gave me quite a whack for the foundry,
20:01and it was a prime site.
20:03But you went bankrupt, didn't you, to the creditors?
20:06Oh, you don't give it all, do you?
20:09I kept something back.
20:11Oh, I did, I stashed a bit away.
20:13A secret account in Jersey.
20:15What do you think I am, naive?
20:17Well, perhaps just slightly naive, if you gave it all to Corinna.
20:22Especially as you said you knew she wasn't what she said she was.
20:25She showed me all the deeds.
20:27A prime restaurant hotel in Nairobi,
20:30a corner site in Mogadishu.
20:32I mean, I never dreamt that...
20:35I mean...
20:37You know, he's blind.
20:40And you know what sexual passion is like.
20:43I do now, yes.
20:45Rita!
20:47I'm sorry, Ted, I didn't...
20:49Oh, it's just that...
20:51What I've found with Jeff is,
20:53they're so unexpected and so utterly good
20:57that I feel the need to shout about it.
21:00I'm only human, I'm sorry.
21:02I've hardly got anything left.
21:05I'll have to pay for this lot.
21:07Perhaps.
21:10I'm ruined, Rita.
21:12Champagne, sir, madam?
21:14No, thank you.
21:16Well, perhaps just a drop.
21:19I don't want to break the bank.
21:21Oh, very good, very droll.
21:23Don't want to break the bank.
21:25Oh, madam is a wanker.
21:27Oh, very good, very droll.
21:29Don't want to break the bank.
21:31Oh, madam is a wanker.
21:34What can you do?
21:39Tomorrow, cry.
21:43But today,
21:45enjoy the party.
21:51Good name, Betty.
21:53Eh? Friendship.
21:55You can't whack it.
21:56What's happened, Ted?
21:57Nothing's happened.
21:59Something had to have happened
22:00before I can tell you how much I value your friendship.
22:02No, of course not.
22:03You're ridiculous, Ted.
22:04What's happened?
22:05Nothing's happened, for God's sake.
22:06I mean, no, I'm sorry.
22:08I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
22:09No, it's just, um...
22:11Well, it's just...
22:12seeing you two sitting over here
22:14making utter prats of yourselves.
22:17I've had a great surge of warmth going on in you, but...
22:21What do you mean, making utter prats of ourselves, Ted?
22:23Well, you know, sitting here dressed as peppers.
22:25Oh, Lord, I forgot.
22:28What do you mean, prats?
22:30Hmm?
22:31Well, I mean, you know,
22:32everybody else I've dressed like,
22:34Napoleon, Noel Coward,
22:36Queen Elizabeth I,
22:37well, two Queen Elizabeth I.
22:39Oh, yes.
22:40And then you two, peppers.
22:43Ridiculous.
22:44I see.
22:45I see nothing ridiculous coming as peppers.
22:47It's a little less pretentious than identifying with Napoleon.
22:50Well said, Rodney. It needed to be said.
22:52Our costumes symbolise not only our business...
22:54Which is unimportant comparatively.
22:56They symbolise healthy eating, organic eating.
22:59We come as organic peppers, incidentally, with no pesticides.
23:03They also symbolise the environment.
23:05Environment?
23:07Red for danger, because it's in danger.
23:09Yes, and green for...
23:10for green, because it's the solution.
23:13And yellow?
23:16Er...
23:18Birth control.
23:20Absolutely.
23:21Yellow for fighting the population explosion,
23:25because one in three people in the world is born Chinese.
23:28Oh, that is clever, Rodney.
23:31I love him.
23:32And I love her.
23:34Next, in more modern fame,
23:37a tune forever associated with the star Long Dead,
23:41but still shining brightly in the showbiz constellation.
23:46Or is he dead?
23:48Rumours that he has been sighted are rife.
23:51Of whom do I speak?
23:53I'll give you a clue. It isn't Hitler.
23:58Yes, you've guessed it.
24:00It's Elvis.
24:03Elvis, ignore it.
24:05I was ignoring it until you said ignore it.
24:07Oh, don't answer it.
24:09I couldn't bear it. We mustn't ever round.
24:12Come on, dance.
24:13Show people you don't mind being called Elvis.
24:15I do mind.
24:16Well, all the more reason for showing them you don't, then.
24:25Geoffrey, may I borrow Rita?
24:27She isn't alive, is she, Ted?
24:28Thank you, Geoffrey.
24:30Ted, are you asking me to dance?
24:33Well, they're playing my music.
24:35It reminds me of when we were out.
24:39Just look.
24:43You don't really find her attractive, do you?
24:46So I do, very much.
24:48Do you disapprove?
24:49Of course.
24:50Why, of course?
24:51She isn't one of us. She's Douglas.
24:53Of course. How dreadful of me.
24:55You may mock her, Mrs England.
24:57Surely that doesn't matter these days, Liz, even in England.
25:00It's still important to some people.
25:02Not everything this country once stood for has been lost,
25:05along with my magnolia.
25:06Rita's father was a common little man
25:08who spoke in public about breaking wind.
25:10He didn't use such words, he was dead.
25:13What is the opposite of being important?
25:15A mouth for Mrs England.
25:18Good heavens.
25:20And the vulgarity will come out in Rita
25:22who will start behaving like a common little fishwife.
25:25A phrase I've always thought very unfair to fishwives.
25:27You aren't at all common these days.
25:29They're extremely rare.
25:30You're worried that when I take her to the anthropologist's dinner
25:33she'll ask all the other anthropologists how often they part.
25:37You've always hated me, haven't you?
25:39Yes.
25:49Enjoying yourselves?
25:51No.
25:52Coming as an old coward has been the biggest mistake of my life.
25:55It's shown me what a dimwit I am.
25:57The brains we inherit are a matter of luck, Simon.
25:59So if you find that you're...
26:01Well, not thick exactly.
26:03Charming.
26:04And have sisters.
26:05But you called yourself a dimwit.
26:07It's all right for Simon to say it.
26:09It's not all right for anyone else to say it.
26:11Right.
26:12No risk of you being called thick.
26:14No.
26:15Just wet.
26:16You are?
26:17Coming as Mae West has shown me how crabby and inhibited and English I am.
26:22I've been going out with Simon for weeks
26:24and I haven't once said, come up and see me sometime.
26:28Nor has he.
26:29Said to me, come up and see him sometime.
26:31No, I want to save...
26:34Save what?
26:36All that.
26:37You see?
26:38Passion.
26:39Sex.
26:40Who said that?
26:41Our writhing intertwined bodies.
26:42Who said that?
26:43And what does Simon call it?
26:44All that.
26:45He's as bad as me.
26:47But sweetiebums, if I'd gone on after that, what would I have said?
26:51I want to save all that.
26:53Until?
26:54Until what?
26:55Until we're married.
26:57Yes.
26:58Is this a proposal?
27:03Well, yes.
27:05Yes, I suppose it is.
27:07Will you marry me?
27:09Well, yes.
27:10I suppose I will.
27:14Ah, congratulations.
27:17A union of true estate agents.
27:19Elvis!
27:20Simon may be thick and Lucinda may be wet,
27:22but between them they ought to be able to find a really nice house to be thick and wet in.
27:25Elvis, don't be stupid.
27:26But he is stupid.
27:27Well, I am clever enough not to come in fancy dress.
27:30An old coward who can't be witty,
27:32an A. West who can't be sexy,
27:34and a Mary Lloyd who can't sing.
27:36Ladies and gentlemen,
27:38a lovely young lady, Miss Carol Fortinbridge,
27:41alias the legendary Miss Mary Lloyd,
27:44will now transport you back across the great prairies of time
27:48to the vintage years of the music hall.
27:57Thank you.
28:19You do still love me, don't you?
28:28There you go, sir.
28:29One pint of diesel, tickety-boo.
28:32You're a man of the world, sir.
28:34Now, recipe books, because I do a bit of cooking,
28:36I find it therapeutic,
28:37but they often stipulate shallots.
28:39Now, where can you get shallots in this town?
28:41You tell me.
28:44That's better.
28:46Black is my mood.
28:48Beg your pardon, sir?
28:51I was just watching that girl in there, Carol.
28:54Pretty, lively, bright.
28:57Life ahead of her.
28:59And I was thinking about all my life.
29:02The army.
29:05A mess, sir.
29:06A mess, sir, you?
29:07Oh, I find that hard to believe.
29:09You're a man of substance, a man we're sorry to lose,
29:12and there aren't many of us left.
29:14Total and utter mess.
29:19Yes, well, you can sometimes get them little pickling onions,
29:23but they aren't shallots, are they?
29:25Not by a long chain of crumb.
29:27Crumb will not revive it, revive it.
29:30Outside the olive grove will last Saturday night.
29:34I was one of the ruined and crumb will not abound.
29:38I'll be.
29:52It's time to silence the strings
29:55and put a lid on the ivories for a few moments.
29:58Mr Neville Badger would like to address a few words to your host.
30:02Oh, dear.
30:04Oh, heck.
30:06News desk.
30:07Oh, not now.
30:09Hello, hello, hello.
30:11It's a fair cop.
30:13Oh, Neville.
30:14Ladies and gentlemen, penguins, peppers and polar bears,
30:18today is a very sad day.
30:20You can say that again.
30:22A very sad day.
30:23Ted Simcox is leaving us.
30:26Nairobi's gain is our loss.
30:29Many of us here today and not gone tomorrow,
30:32though he will be,
30:34may never see that loved and trusted face again.
30:38Don't overdo it.
30:40Tonight Ted has laid on a fabulous do.
30:43The champagne has flowed.
30:45The caviar has gone down like...
30:47A lead balloon.
30:48Well, like caviar.
30:50We've had music.
30:51Almost.
30:52We've had dancing.
30:53Sadly, one important person has missed our junketings.
30:57Her name is Corinna Price-Rogerson.
30:59Oh, no, it isn't.
31:01Why is she not here?
31:02Should I tell them?
31:04She's indisposed.
31:06Never mind.
31:08I don't mean never mind she's indisposed.
31:10We all mind.
31:11Oh, Neville.
31:12I mean we will continue to enjoy ourselves.
31:14Speak for yourself.
31:16We will enjoy ourselves despite her sad absence,
31:19which makes the heart grow fonder.
31:21And so say all of us.
31:23This isn't the time for speeches.
31:25Shut up then.
31:26So I'd like to end...
31:27Hooray.
31:29By asking you all to join me...
31:31Oh, no.
31:32In singing...
31:33Oh, Lord.
31:34For he's a jolly good fellow.
31:36Oh, heck.
31:37For he's a jolly good fellow.
31:40For he's a jolly good fellow.
31:42For he's a jolly good fellow.
31:45And so say all of us.
31:48And so say all of us.
31:50And so say all of us.
31:52For he's a jolly good fellow.
31:55For he's a jolly good fellow.
31:57For he's a jolly good fellow.
32:00And so say all of us.
32:07Thank you.
32:08Thank you.
32:10Ladies...
32:11Ladies and gentlemen.
32:13I'm...
32:14I'm overcome.
32:16No, I mean I'm...
32:18I'm overcome.
32:20Oh, and the way you all sang that song.
32:23Oh, the revelation of how you all feel about me.
32:27Was, um...
32:29Well, it was a revelation.
32:32Um...
32:33But ladies and gentlemen.
32:36Don't regard this as goodbye.
32:39More...
32:41Au revoir.
32:43I will probably be seeing you all again
32:47sooner than you think.
32:49Hooray!
32:50Shut up!
32:51So, uh...
32:53No sadness, eh?
32:56Oh...
32:57Oh, Lord.
32:59Sentimental old fooler.
33:02I'm so...
33:03Thank you.
33:04Thank...
33:12Sir Paul, he's been arrested.
33:14Arrested? What for?
33:15He's been in a big demonstration.
33:16He threw an egg at the Prime Minister.
33:18Did it hit? Was it free range?
33:20Was it infected with salmonella?
33:22Well, you bell-top, bell-top, the lot of you!
33:29Do you realise who I am?
33:33Look, I'm Ted Simcock.
33:36One time owner of the Jupiter Foundry.
33:40I got friends who are masons.
33:41If you don't let me in there,
33:42you're on your way out, pal!
33:44Eh?
33:45Oh...
33:47That jumped-up little Hitler behind his reinforced glass
33:50won't let us see our son!
33:51You've put his back up, haven't you?
33:53You've got to treat people right, Ted.
33:59Good evening, officer.
34:00My name is Rita Simcock.
34:02Councillor Rita Simcock.
34:04Now, I know that this is a very busy time for you,
34:07weekend evening,
34:09but I'm very, very concerned about my son.
34:11And I should very, very much appreciate it
34:14if you would let me speak to him for just a few moments.
34:18No.
34:19Now, I'm sorry, madam,
34:20but at present we've got nobody to supervise a visit.
34:23So we've got this student demonstration,
34:25two road accidents, one armed robbery
34:27and the usual tribal warfare between lager louts.
34:34Oh, we were at a fancy dress party.
34:37I'd guessed.
34:39The level of intelligence in the force
34:41isn't quite as low as it's sometimes painted.
34:44Huh.
34:54What's happened?
34:55We've got to wait.
35:00I must have a word with Ted.
35:02Must you?
35:04I hope you appreciated my little speech, Ted.
35:07No.
35:08Oh. What?
35:10I wanted to strangle you. I might yet.
35:13There are times when I'm glad you're going to Nairobi.
35:15Oh, belt up about Nairobi. You know nothing.
35:25He insulted me.
35:26What did you expect?
35:33Oh.
35:50Oh, have a seat, madam.
35:51Oh, thank you.
35:53It's my son.
35:55I beg your pardon?
35:56My eldest. He's disappeared.
35:58Oh, no.
35:59Oh, I am sorry.
36:01When did this happen?
36:02He didn't come home last night.
36:03But I didn't think out about it.
36:05He stays with his friends sometimes.
36:06You know, young people.
36:08So I wasn't right bothered.
36:09But his friend hasn't seen him.
36:10Oh, dear.
36:11Was he...
36:12Did he seem unhappy at home?
36:14Oh, it's difficult to tell.
36:15He hasn't talked much lately.
36:17Not to say talk.
36:18He used to talk.
36:19When he did talk about what a dump this place is,
36:22he hankered after London.
36:24Well, they do, don't they?
36:26I fear so.
36:27They hanker away.
36:28Awfully worrying for you, though.
36:30Oh, I am sorry.
36:31Well, thank you.
36:35So, what are you going to do about it?
36:38What do you mean, what are you going to do about it?
36:40What do you mean, what do you mean, what are you going to do about it?
36:43I mean, what are you going to do about it?
36:46I'm not going to do anything about it.
36:48Why should I do anything about it?
36:49Well, you're a policeman.
36:51Oh.
36:52Oh, Lord.
36:53Yes.
36:54No.
36:55You what?
36:56I'm not a policeman.
36:57I'm at a fancy dress party.
37:00I mean, I was.
37:02I'm here now.
37:04But my wife's daughter, by her first marriage's husband,
37:06has thrown an egg at the Prime Minister.
37:08So why did you ask me all them questions?
37:10I thought you wanted to talk about it.
37:12I was being kind.
37:13You great wazzock!
37:21This is absurd, Liz.
37:23Not speaking at a time like this.
37:25It's absurd.
37:26Tell her, Geoffrey.
37:27Don't start using Geoffrey as a mediator, Rita.
37:29He isn't exactly neutral.
37:31Exposure to tropical weather has unhinged his brain.
37:33He hates me and he loves you.
37:35Oh, Liz, you spoke to me.
37:37Hardly honeyed words, but it's a start.
37:39I'll speak to you briefly, Rita.
37:41Just to say that I never thought I'd find myself in one of these places.
37:44I have never been so humiliated in all my life.
37:48I know.
37:49Contact with real life.
37:50Absolutely remarkable.
37:52So this is where it's all led to.
37:54The disastrous mingling of our two families.
37:56If you so hate the disastrous mingling of our two families,
38:00perhaps you shouldn't have mingled so disastrously with my husband at our children's wedding.
38:09I think I may go back to study the headhunters of Borneo.
38:12Do with a bit of peace and quiet.
38:27Oh, they're back.
38:29Don't look.
38:31Isn't stylish, isn't curiosity?
38:33No, isn't neat.
38:34It's not complimented with our state as a leading business people,
38:38who living proof of profit and environment can go together.
38:41Absolutely.
38:43There's something wrong, though.
38:44No, I know.
38:48Elvis and Jenny are back, too.
38:50Go and pump Rita tactfully, without seeming to pump her.
38:57Sandra!
39:00Sandra.
39:03I only do that when you're around.
39:05I've only broken one plate in the last six weeks.
39:08Sandra, you were right.
39:11You what?
39:12About Corinna, you were right.
39:14She was a tarty piece.
39:16I know, she was.
39:18Yes, was.
39:20Oh, well.
39:24Yes, she conned me out of all my money,
39:27and she disappeared off the face of the earth.
39:30Well, you should have stayed with me then, shouldn't you?
39:34Yes, Sandra, I...
39:38I should.
39:42Hello, Rita.
39:44We haven't seen you around for an hour or so.
39:47No.
39:48No, not Ted.
39:49Oh, he's over there.
39:51I know he's over there, but before he was over there,
39:53he wasn't over anywhere for ages.
39:55Well, we wondered if something had happened.
39:57Well, as a matter of fact, something has happened.
39:59And something else has happened as well.
40:02Oh, dear.
40:03Well, I mean, unless there were pleasantries.
40:05Well, one of them was rather unpleasant.
40:07Oh, dear.
40:08And the other one was much worse.
40:10Oh, dear.
40:11Well, I mean, it's none of our business, of course.
40:14That's right.
40:16But as your friend, well, and as your employers,
40:19there's no need to, you know, confide in us.
40:21We wouldn't mind.
40:22We'd always be prepared to listen.
40:24I know that.
40:25Thank you, Betty.
40:27And if I ever do want to confide in you, I will.
40:29Oh, thank you.
40:30I love you dearly, Betty.
40:32And I love working at Silly Toes.
40:34But if I ever wanted to publicise anything in this town,
40:37what I would do would be I would tell you,
40:40and then I would tell you it was a secret.
40:44Oh, Rita.
40:50You do still love me, don't you?
40:53Hey, fool.
40:56Good party, isn't it?
40:58Yeah.
41:00I can't decide whether the Halifax Building Society
41:03or the Allied Dunbar mob take the palm for inventiveness.
41:07No.
41:11Ted certainly seems to be moving in financial circles these days, doesn't he?
41:15Yes, round and round.
41:19Is something wrong, Edward?
41:21Some men can't ride horses, Simon.
41:23Other men can't swim.
41:25I can't converse.
41:26I don't understand.
41:27Precisely. Conversation.
41:29I can't manage it.
41:31I'm considered a pretty good lawyer down at Badger, Badger, Fox and Badger.
41:34I'm considered a pretty good sort of social fellow on the golf course.
41:38Dues? I'm a nightmare.
41:40Best avoid it.
41:41Snap.
41:42Pardon?
41:43Coming as an old coward. Brought it home to me.
41:46No wit.
41:50Neville,
41:52I must have loved my father
41:55in a funny sort of way
41:57because I missed him after he died
42:00and I resented your marrying my mother.
42:04But I think it's worked out surprisingly well.
42:08Well, not surprisingly.
42:10Yes, yes, I think it has, Simon.
42:14I wonder
42:16if you'd mind
42:18or find it absurd
42:22if I tried calling you father.
42:25Good Lord.
42:27Good Lord, no.
42:29No.
42:30Not if I can try calling you son.
42:33Son?
42:35Not a bad conversation for two chaps who are no good at it.
42:38Father?
42:39Pretty good.
42:40Son.
42:42I'd kiss you if we were French.
42:45I might even know we aren't if you weren't dressed as an old coward.
42:50Darling, I'm very happy.
42:52Oh, Neville.
42:53Simon just called me father.
42:55A delicious absurd moment. I thought you meant you were happy with me.
42:58I did. I am. That's the whole point.
43:00He called me father because he knows we're happy.
43:02We are? Excellent news.
43:04I was dreading this evening, but I needn't have.
43:06I've enjoyed it just as much as I ever did with Jane.
43:10I've spoiled it, haven't I?
43:12Ruined the moment.
43:14Trampled all over the carpet of life with your great muddy boots.
43:17This conversation. I'm such a mug at it.
43:20Oh, Neville.
43:25Carol.
43:27Now that we've come face to face.
43:29Yes?
43:31I hope you don't resent me for taking Elvis.
43:34Oh, well.
43:35I'm not taking him because I mean it was over between you and him before he and I...
43:40Yes, well, if I was going to resent you, I shouldn't have started it, should I?
43:44What do you mean?
43:46Having my one night stand with Paul.
43:48I'm not going with Elvis to get back at you for going with Paul, Carol.
43:52I love him.
43:53If you spent less time worrying about sex and fellas, Jenny,
43:56you might have more time for the important things in life,
43:59like animal rights, the third world, the ozone layer and feminism.
44:04Because they're a dead loss, Jenny.
44:06Sex and fellas.
44:09Jenny, Jenny, the very person, come on.
44:12Another word.
44:14Jenny, listen, you've always believed in telling the truth, haven't you?
44:17Well, yes, Ted.
44:19Yes, if you don't, it'll follow you, chase you relentlessly.
44:23Well, yes, Ted.
44:25Yes, and if it's got to come out, it's best you let it out yourself.
44:30Well, yes, Ted.
44:32Yes, yes, wise words, Jenny, wise words, yes.
44:35Wise words, Jenny, wise words, yes.
44:37Thank you. I'll take your advice.
44:39Thank you.
44:41It's time to leave the sunshine and spaghetti
44:44and whisk ourselves over the giant alpine ranges
44:48to the thunder and dumplings of Germany.
44:51Yes, it's arrivederci, Roma, and guten tag, Schwarzfeld.
44:56But wait, our host wishes to have a word.
45:01Our walk in the black forest must be briefly postponed.
45:06Thank you. Thank you very much, Dale.
45:09Thank you.
45:11Ladies and gentlemen,
45:14this evening was held as a farewell for myself and Corinna.
45:18But, er...
45:20Well, there is no farewell,
45:23because there is no Corinna.
45:25She, um... She's gone.
45:28She was, um...
45:31She was a con woman.
45:33A con... A con person, as the feminists amongst you might say.
45:39Hey, you see, I can still laugh, even if none of you can.
45:45I mean, I, um... I was sad, yes.
45:48Well, I mean, I was wretched at that time.
45:51I'm not any longer. No, I'm not.
45:53No, I'm happy, because...
45:55Because why?
45:57Because it means that I will be staying here
46:02amongst you, my friends.
46:05You see, because tonight, ladies and gentlemen, I have...
46:09And I really mean this.
46:11I have realised
46:13that you, my friends, are the people who really matter to me.
46:18And I will be staying here with you.
46:21And I'm... No, you know, I'm glad.
46:24I am. I really am.
46:27So, um...
46:29Well, thank you.
46:31And please, just enjoy your walk in the Black Forest.
46:34A brave speech. Come on, now, all together.
46:37For he... Not again, you steaming great pellock.
46:54That was a brave speech, Ted.
46:56I almost understood again what it was I once saw in you.
46:59When you say things like that,
47:01I totally fail to understand what I once saw in you.
47:07Don't... Don't say anything.
47:10Oh, no, I won't. Don't worry. My lips are sealed.
47:13My conversational days are over. I shall embarrass you no more.
47:16From now on, I shall make Trappist monks seem like compulsive gossips.
47:19Do shut up, Neville.
47:30Well done, Ted.
47:32Very well done, indeed.
47:34Thank you, Rita.
47:35That's it. I shall never trust another woman again.
47:38Oh, come on, Ted. Don't be stupid.
47:41Don't judge all women by her.
47:43There are some women you can trust and some women you can't trust.
47:46Just as there are so many you can trust and so many you can't trust,
47:49it's just that there aren't as many men you can trust.
47:51I trust you to fling that in.
47:53I'm one you could have trusted, Ted.
47:57I'm happy now.
47:59And I want you to be happy, too.
48:02So find a woman you can trust, Ted.
48:05And trust her.
48:18Where's he going now?
48:20Me.
48:27You wanted me?
48:29Yes. Yes, Sandra, I wanted you.
48:33I, er...
48:35You, er, what?
48:37Oh, Sandra.
48:39Er, I was wondering...
48:42Um...
48:43Yes, Ted. What were you wondering?
48:46Well, I was wondering...
48:50Let's say we go out one evening.
48:54One evening?
48:56Get knotted.
49:24Mmm.
49:54Mmm.
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