A Bit Of A Do S02E05 The Inauguration Of The Outer Inner Relief Ring Road
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00:00No, I can't, Mike. I've got a bit of a do on tonight.
00:06Yeah, the council are holding a private viewing of their exhibition to explain why they've
00:10plunked for the outer in a relievering road. Naturally, we're sending our most cynical,
00:16probing, hard-nosed reporter. And me, of course.
00:24A bit of a do, a bit of a do. Smiling faces in public places, trying to hide your problems
00:38from your friends and relations. A bit of a do, invited to a bit of a do.
00:45It's a small town, posh, nosh affair. Best behavior, being aware of others who are doing it too.
00:58Others who are seeing through you. A bit of a do, all tickety-boo.
01:11New dimensions for family tensions. Mentioning the little things that shouldn't be mentioned.
01:18A bit of a do, bit of a do. Invited to a bit of a do.
01:28So, what chance of there being a Yorkshire man in the test team next season?
01:31I'm afraid I know very little about cricket.
01:33Having spent most of his adult life abroad in non-English speaking countries.
01:37Ah. I'm an anthropologist. Ah.
01:42Oh, good Lord. Here comes sympathy. Excuse me.
01:48Rita, Rita, we just heard. Oh, Rita. Absolutely.
01:53I said we must come, and Rodney said no, better not, shall we?
01:56But I said, Rodney, we're her employers and above all, her friends.
01:59And I mean, after all, what are friends for?
02:01Thanks, but I'd rather not talk about it just now.
02:04No, of course not. We understand. We wouldn't dream, would we, Rodney?
02:06Absolutely not.
02:08Right. Well, here it is. The Outer Inner Relief Ring Road.
02:13Now, over there, you'll see the Inner Inner Relief Ring Road.
02:16Now, if you compare them, you'll see why we're plumping for the Outer Inner Relief Ring Road
02:21rather than the Inner Inner Relief Ring Road.
02:26Quite mild for the time of year.
02:28I suppose so. I hardly remember what our climate's supposed to be like.
02:32No, I suppose not.
02:36Must be a very interesting life, being an anthropologist.
02:39Yes.
02:43Have you converted to unleaded petrol yet?
02:46Yes. Me too. Well, where would we be if we didn't have the environment?
02:54You and Councillor Simcock are pretty close friends, aren't you?
02:57I rather think that's our business, Councillor Murfield.
03:01Really exceptionally mild. I've never known me runner been so forward.
03:05Don't it look small, Rodney?
03:07Well, of course it does. It's to scale.
03:09No, no. I meant our premises. Silly toes.
03:12Just a lump on the earth's crust.
03:14Well, looked out one road, it is better.
03:16Looked out another road, it's the wildest selection of vegetarian produce in Yorkshire.
03:20Looked out one road, you're a minute earwig,
03:22crawling across a vast, parched continent for one brief blip in eternity.
03:27Looked out another road, you're my whole life.
03:29It's the paradox of existence, is that.
03:33Well, anyway, it's very interesting, Rita, but...
03:36Oh, what a shame.
03:38Little you...
03:40Well, little you as we once thought of you, but big you now.
03:44Your election changing, the entire face of the town virtually single-handed,
03:49your great knight.
03:51And then this had to happen.
03:53Betty, I thought we weren't mentioning it.
03:55Oh, no, no, I won't. I wouldn't dream, but after all, what are friends for?
03:58Excuse me.
04:00Who invited you?
04:02I'm the media mum. This is a propaganda exercise.
04:05No, it isn't.
04:06It's a process of public consultation by your user-friendly council.
04:09To persuade the users to be friendly towards what you've decided.
04:13I'm not being unfriendly, Jenny, but why are you here?
04:17Well, Elvis takes me with him whenever he can. Any objection?
04:20Well, Elvis takes me with him whenever he can. Any objection?
04:23Well, yes. And do you know why?
04:26The very day Paul gets six months, and here are you, flaunting our love.
04:30Well, no, no.
04:31Well, yes. Paul and I had split up before he went to prison.
04:34Elvis isn't a marriage-breaker.
04:36I know. I just think about Paul behind bars.
04:40Do you think I don't?
04:46We're awfully sorry to hear about Paul and Elvis.
04:49You must both be very upset.
04:51There's no need to sound so disapproving. We are.
04:53There's no need to be so defensive. We know.
04:56What are you two doing here?
04:57New roads affect a lot of our properties, Elvis.
04:59Yeah, and a lot of new business gets secretly and irregularly put your way.
05:03This is yet another slur on our profession.
05:06No, it's yet another slur on you.
05:08Don't let him get under your skin, Sugarplum.
05:10Oh, why don't Sugarplum? Don't you worry.
05:12Elvis get under my skin? Some chance.
05:16Well, have a nice evening, Sugarplums.
05:18Jenny!
05:22Glass of wine, madam?
05:23Help you put the whole sad business out of your mind on your great night?
05:26Because I know you're upset, and you're forced to be.
05:29Headlines plastered all over town.
05:32Court makes example of newest counsellor's son.
05:35I mean, you're a mother.
05:37But I've always had this empathy with mothers, me.
05:39I've always been able to get right under the...
05:44I've got red or sweet or medium-dry white.
05:46Medium-dry white, please, Eric.
05:48There you go, madam. Tickety-boo.
05:50Thanks.
05:52Oh, and Eric.
05:54Thanks for helping me put the whole sad business out of my mind.
05:57It's all right, madam. It's all in a day's work.
06:03Ted!
06:06Untouched that so much affection still lingers.
06:08No, I mean, I'm surprised.
06:11I mean, who invited you?
06:14Well, I'm unemployed, I've ruined my career,
06:18I've made a fool of myself with a con woman,
06:20and now my son is at court celebrated of a street protest.
06:24Who do you think invited me?
06:27Precisely, no bugger.
06:29Ted!
06:30Oh, it's true.
06:31When you're down, the whole world queues up to kick in the cobblers.
06:34How did you get in?
06:35By saying I was counsellor Simcox's...
06:37Ted!
06:38Right, so I left out the X.
06:40What's two letters and a hyphen between friends?
06:43Anyway, I thought you'd be pleased, Rita,
06:45that I wanted to be with you on your great night.
06:47It's not my great night.
06:49Our son is in prison.
06:51Oh, I know, I know. It's dreadful, isn't it, eh?
06:54You feed them, you educate them, what do they do?
06:56They turn round and kick you in the crotch.
06:58Is that how you feel? No sympathy?
07:02He broke the law.
07:04He got overexcited about things he cares very strongly about.
07:08He got carried away.
07:10Yeah, by three policemen.
07:13It took three. I'll give him that.
07:15Ted!
07:16Our son, the...
07:18The fruit of our loins.
07:22Yes, well, it sounds a bit silly saying that now, but...
07:25I mean, locked up because he couldn't control his warm heart.
07:29Are you ashamed of him? Don't you love him?
07:31Of course I do, Rita, of course I love him.
07:33I mean, I do, but...
07:35But what?
07:36Well, it's not very nice having your name plastered all over the papers, is it?
07:40Well, it wasn't your name, it was mine.
07:42I know, and how do you think I feel about that?
07:44Councillor Simcox, son.
07:46No mention of ex-foundry owner, son.
07:49Ex-toasting fork magnet, son.
07:51No.
07:53I don't exist, Rita, me. No, I'm a nothing.
07:56Is that what worries you most today of all days?
07:59Of course it isn't, Rita. It's our Paul that worries me.
08:03But I mean, you know, it's not very nice, is it?
08:06Walking in here being a nothing.
08:08I mean, is it, Rita?
08:09So why have you come?
08:11Well, you call yourself a user-friendly council.
08:14I'm a user, I come to be friendly.
08:16Yeah, what's the real reason?
08:20I've got no alternative, have I, Rita?
08:23What am I supposed to do, slink down back alleys every time I see one of me old friends?
08:27Supp in the public bar because folk who once queued up to buy my quality door knockers are all supping in the lounge?
08:34No, I'm not going to run, Rita, I'm not going to hide.
08:37I've got nothing I need hide from.
08:40Well, almost nothing.
08:44Sausage roll, madam?
08:45No, I'm vegetarian.
08:47They're all made. I've seen how little meat goes in them.
08:52Good Lord, I didn't expect you here.
08:55I've done a bit of...
08:56Don't answer her, Neville.
08:57Sorry, Rita.
08:58Don't apologise to her, Neville.
08:59Sorry, darling.
09:00Neville, don't apologise to me either, please.
09:02Sorry. Sorry.
09:03Neville.
09:06Liz, please listen.
09:08I must speak to you, Liz.
09:10Neville! You're being masterful.
09:12Yes. I'm sorry, I mean...
09:14Yes, I understand your reasons for refusing to talk to Rita, but Liz, please, Rita today is a mother in torment.
09:21So am I.
09:22My daughter's road sweeper husband is in prison.
09:24My daughter's name is being dragged through the mud.
09:27And what is she doing, my daughter?
09:28Carrying on in public with her husband's brother, who from which I suppose I should glean a tiny crumb of comfort, is not a road sweeper.
09:33My association with the Simcock family has been a total and unmitigated...
09:38Neville, look.
09:39What?
09:40That's our house.
09:41Look at our garden.
09:42I can't see our garden.
09:44Precisely.
09:45What?
09:46It isn't there. It's gone.
09:47Gone? Gone where?
09:48You mean deliberately obtuse?
09:50It has gone into the ring road.
09:51We are not losing 20 yards of garden, we're losing all our garden.
09:56This is what the woman you used to take to dinner and now can't stop apologizing to has done.
10:01Perhaps the model isn't accurate.
10:02Well, go and ask her.
10:03You now want me to speak to Rita?
10:05Yes.
10:06Right.
10:07Forcedly.
10:08Right.
10:09Coldly but politely with icy dignity.
10:10Right.
10:11Without the remotest hint of apology.
10:12Right.
10:13Well, go on.
10:15Right.
10:17You don't think there's a risk that in having refused to talk to Rita and then talking to her two minutes later,
10:22I'll make myself look rather indecisive, a bit of a dog's body doing your dirty work,
10:27enabling you to maintain your uncompromising position of total isolation,
10:31while I make myself look like a slight total idiot?
10:34No.
10:35Right.
10:38Hello, Mum.
10:41Mum, aren't you speaking to me?
10:44Oh, Mum, you have allied yourself totally with the Simcox and not even the same one all the time.
10:50Mum!
10:56A word, Rita.
10:58Neville.
10:59Now, the thing is...
11:01Incidentally, the reason we're invited is because I've done a bit of legal work for the council.
11:05Yes, I realized after I'd asked.
11:07Now, this plan of the Outer Inner Relief Report...
11:11Incidentally, I'm so sorry about Paul.
11:14It's all very well having scapegoats in theory,
11:16but it seems very unfair when one actually knows the goat that's being scaped.
11:21Thank you, Neville.
11:22Now, on this plan, I have to tell you, Rita...
11:25Right.
11:26I mean, I imagine there's a perfectly good explanation, but there's no sign of our garden.
11:30Lizzie's worried we're going to lose it all, and so am I.
11:34Oh, Neville, we can't show every blade of grass.
11:38Of course you're not going to lose your whole garden.
11:41Do I have your unequivocal assurance?
11:43Nothing less will do.
11:45Or some sort of assurance.
11:46I can't go back empty-handed.
11:48You have my unequivocal assurance.
11:50Thank you, Rita.
11:52And I am sorry about Paul.
11:54Get off with you before I cry.
11:56Right.
12:01We're not going to lose the whole garden.
12:02I've wormed an assurance out of her.
12:04Wormed an assurance?
12:06I thought you apologised for not talking to us.
12:08I did not.
12:09Well, only a bit.
12:10You said you were sorry about Paul.
12:12How do you know what I said?
12:13You couldn't hear me.
12:14I saw you.
12:15I know your body language.
12:16I saw those shoulders saying you were sorry.
12:18Well, I may have done a bit.
12:20Still attracted to her a bit.
12:22No, of course not.
12:24Two can play at that game.
12:26Liz?
12:29Ted!
12:30Oh, brave...
12:31No, not brave of you.
12:32Betty means it's good to see you.
12:34Absolutely.
12:35How are things, Ted?
12:37Oh, very good.
12:38Fine.
12:40On my own, you know.
12:41The old master again.
12:43Oh, you know.
12:44Eat what I want when I want.
12:45Pop down to the pub.
12:46No rush home.
12:48Oh, loving it.
12:51Good.
12:53Any plans?
12:54Plans?
12:55Occupational prospects.
12:57Oh, jobs.
12:58Well, you know.
12:59Got irons in the fires.
13:02You know, feelers in the right places.
13:04So there wouldn't be any point in my sounding it.
13:06In our sounding you out.
13:08Oh, what for?
13:09Well, a certain something that might have cropped up
13:11that we might think you might feel might suit you.
13:13Oh, well, you know.
13:14Another iron, another feeler.
13:16What's this?
13:17Someone you know?
13:18Some business acquaintance
13:19who's looking for a man of Michael Iver?
13:20No, it's us, Ted.
13:24You.
13:26Do you want me to work for you?
13:28Look, I know I've asked you before,
13:30and you've said,
13:31we've asked you before,
13:32and you've said no,
13:33but circumstances have changed.
13:35Why not?
13:36Why not?
13:37Because you're lunatic fringe,
13:39animal rights,
13:40trendy hell food,
13:41freaky nut nuts.
13:42If I did swallow my pride
13:44and me nut cutlet
13:45and come and work for you,
13:46there'd be no point, would there?
13:48Eh? Because you'll be bankrupt by Christmas.
13:50I've told you before,
13:51this is Yorkshire,
13:52not Shangri-la.
13:53That's why not.
14:01I'm sorry.
14:02You what, Ted?
14:03Sorry, I...
14:04I apologise.
14:06I might have been slightly rude.
14:08Slightly?
14:09Well, you know,
14:10slightly ungracious.
14:12No, no,
14:13thank you very much
14:14for the kind offer.
14:15It's very kind.
14:17But you see,
14:18look, I'm a man.
14:20You know, I'm a macho man.
14:23A Yorkshire man.
14:25I'm a man's man.
14:27Well, I'm a lady's man too,
14:29you know.
14:30I'm a hairs on your chest man,
14:32black pudding man,
14:33a red meat man.
14:34Me, a vegetarian man.
14:36I'll be a laughing stock.
14:40Well, stop him then.
14:42Absolutely.
14:43Drink.
14:44Definitely.
14:50Trouble with Ted?
14:52Yes, we offered him a job,
14:53he was horrified.
14:54He's a macho man.
14:56Come on.
14:57You what, Liz?
14:58I think you're a very interesting man.
15:01You're improving like a good wine with age.
15:05You what, Liz?
15:07Oh, come on, Rodney.
15:09Must have been said before.
15:11Well, yes, well.
15:14Of course.
15:16And now,
15:18it's been said again.
15:20Oh, God.
15:23This green line is the estimated traffic flow
15:27in certain streets if they adopt.
15:29Which, of course, they will.
15:31Democracy, excuse me if I puke,
15:33the outer, inner relief.
15:35You aren't listening, you're thinking.
15:38Sorry, what? I wasn't listening, I was thinking.
15:40I said you weren't listening, you were thinking.
15:42What are you thinking about?
15:44I was wondering what he had for tea.
15:47Who?
15:48Who?
15:49Who do you think?
15:50The assistant keeper at the Edison lighthouse.
15:52Paul, your brother.
15:53Ah, yes, of course.
15:55Aren't you sorry for him locked up in a damp dripping cell?
15:57Aren't you thinking of him at all?
15:59Of course I am.
16:00All the time.
16:01Practically, but I don't want you to.
16:03Well, I have to.
16:05I mean, he is still...
16:07The father of your children.
16:09Yes.
16:10Well, he is.
16:12Don't you see how much this proves I love you?
16:16Sorry, that's too clever for me.
16:18I'm only a philosophy graduate.
16:20Well, if I wasn't certain of my love for you,
16:22I wouldn't dare to even begin to think of Paul tonight.
16:27I wonder what time they have lights out.
16:34It's a breakdown of the socio-economic groups rendered homeless
16:36by the inner, inner relief ring road.
16:38Come outside in a few minutes.
16:40In socio-economic groups D, C, D, C, and...
16:43You what, Liz?
16:44Come outside in a few minutes.
16:45Liz, I'm happily married.
16:47That's the reason I chose you.
16:50In socio-economic groups A, A, B, and...
16:53Don't change the subject.
16:55I'm not. That is the subject.
16:56It's you what's changing the subject.
16:58I don't want to break up your marriage.
17:00I want to cement mine.
17:01All I want is a little harmless, flirtatious child
17:05to make Neville fume with jealousy,
17:07to make him realise how much I mean to him,
17:09to make him commit himself.
17:10That's all.
17:12I see.
17:14Well, what a relief.
17:15Well, no, no, no, not a relief.
17:16I mean, you're still a...
17:20It's just that Betty, I love her.
17:23I know that sounds ridiculous these days,
17:25after all these years,
17:26but, no, I do, you see.
17:31Carol, do you ever feel anything?
17:34I mean, anger, jealousy, anything,
17:37when you look at Elvis now?
17:39I mean, if it's not a painful subject.
17:41No, I don't care about Elvis any more.
17:45Something funny going on between Liz and Rodney.
17:48I feel...
17:50Well, I mean, I'm used to him chatting women up, young women.
17:53Doesn't mean anything by it, he just likes them.
17:56Wouldn't be surprised if he didn't chat you up.
17:58Oh, Betty.
17:59No, I wouldn't.
18:00And I wouldn't mind because...
18:01I'm a fluffy, empty-headed young thing.
18:03No, you're not.
18:05Elvis thinks I am.
18:06I thought you didn't care any more.
18:08Oh, well...
18:09I know.
18:10No, I just meant because you're so much younger than he is
18:13he'd never be a dirty old man, wouldn't Rodney?
18:15Got too much pride.
18:17Just an innocent flirt.
18:19But Liz?
18:21Flirt with her?
18:23I don't like it.
18:25Maybe this talk will be enough.
18:27Maybe he's fuming with jealousy already.
18:29If not, I'll go outside in about ten minutes.
18:31If I do, will you follow?
18:33Oh, Liz.
18:34Oh, I know.
18:35It's very extreme, very unusual for me to play games.
18:39I know what Lawrence would have done.
18:40Ignored it.
18:41I just have to know that history isn't repeating itself.
18:44I can't let my life go down the lines it did with Lawrence's.
18:47Oh, will you, Rodney?
18:50Well, yes.
18:51All right.
18:52Thank you.
18:53Thank you very much.
18:56If I was looking for...
18:59Don't look so alarmed.
19:00I'm not.
19:02But if I was, I wouldn't have to look any further.
19:05Don't look so frightened.
19:07I'm not.
19:09Whereas the Inner Outer Relief Ring Road displaces only 36 people in Groups D, C, D, C and...
19:16C?
19:18C.
19:20I was in Middlesbrough the other day.
19:23It's very sad, but in the whole of the North East,
19:27if you include Middlesbrough being in the North East, which I do,
19:29they haven't got a single team in the First Division this season.
19:33Yes.
19:35You're not interested in football?
19:37Sorry, no.
19:39Cricket?
19:40Sorry, no. I never was remotely interested in organised sport.
19:44Lonely, you see.
19:45I see.
19:47My trouble is I have no small talk.
19:49Which is probably why I spent so much of my life so happily among people who don't understand English.
19:53It must be very lively for you and Rita.
19:56You don't need small talk when you're in love.
19:58What?
19:59Sorry.
20:00What?
20:02I keep telling you how much I love your ex-wife.
20:04Look, Geoffrey, what do you think I am? Small-minded or something?
20:07Rita and I were married, now we aren't.
20:10She's happy, terrific, great.
20:12Good.
20:13I'm so glad, Ted, because we are happy.
20:15Yes.
20:17Sometimes we just sit by the fire, in the garden on warm nights,
20:21listening to the sounds and not saying a word.
20:23Yes, sounds riveting, all that sitting, terrific.
20:26Yes, but at other times...
20:30I don't need to tell you, Ted, you know what a passionate woman she is.
20:34What?
20:35What?
20:36Yes, yes, yes, yes.
20:38Yes, thank you, terrific, thank you very much, Geoffrey.
20:40Thank you.
20:41What?
20:42Look, I'm thrilled, I am thrilled.
20:43Tell me more about your idyll, will you?
20:45Then I'll get a complete picture of your domestic bliss
20:48as I sit in my dingy furnished room opening tins of corned beef and baked beans
20:52for my solitary supper before I pop down to the pub
20:55for my ritual three pints and pretend I'm living.
20:58Eh?
21:04No, I'm... I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I apologise.
21:08It's all right, Ted, it's all right.
21:10Just another of those things that I find so difficult about English life
21:13after being away for so long.
21:15I keep thinking people mean what they say.
21:24Nice conversation with Liz.
21:26Are you jealous?
21:28No, but...
21:30You're never jealous.
21:31Neither of us, we don't need to be.
21:33No, I know, but...
21:34Well, before we were dealing with the rest of the human race and now it's...
21:37Liz.
21:38Yes?
21:39Well, she wants me to pretend to be planning a...
21:43Well, I can't even say it, it sounds so ridiculous.
21:46To make Neville jealous.
21:49Don't you believe me?
21:50Hells bells, Betty.
21:52She's trying to make Neville jealous, she makes you jealous.
21:54Well, let's hope she's equally successful with Neville.
21:57There you are.
21:58Yes, here I am.
22:01Have you missed me?
22:02You haven't exactly been crossing the Sahara.
22:04I assumed you'd come back when you'd finished your little chat with Rodney.
22:07Ah, I saw.
22:09Well, yes.
22:10You were looking at the graphs and things.
22:12You seemed rather intense.
22:14As if...
22:15Which rather surprised me, frankly, because...
22:17As if what?
22:18Which rather surprised you, frankly, because?
22:20As if you were finding the graphs and things interesting.
22:22Which rather surprised me, frankly, because I don't.
22:25We weren't talking about graphs and things.
22:28We were talking about life and things.
22:30Oh.
22:31Rodney's a very interesting man, I like him.
22:33Well, so do I.
22:35Oh, Neville.
22:37What did I say?
22:39You didn't say anything.
22:40I wonder what sort of a person he's sharing a cell with.
22:43Jenny.
22:44Well, I can't believe he's got one to himself, not with all the overcrowding there is.
22:47Probably the three of them.
22:48Jenny.
22:49Well, three might be better than two in case the other one was a psychopathic brute.
22:53Unless they were both psychopathic brutes.
22:55I mean, I'm not one of these people who think all prisoners are psychopathic brutes.
22:58Heavens no.
22:59Lots of them are just mixed up and misguided victims of a cruel society.
23:03But I'm not naive.
23:05Some are psychopathic brutes with Paul's luck.
23:07You seem to be thinking of him almost all the time.
23:10I suppose I am rather tonight.
23:12I didn't realise you loved me that much.
23:14Oh, but I do.
23:17How distasteful.
23:19What?
23:20Kissing.
23:21Oh, yes, filthy habit.
23:22Glad to hear Simon doesn't do filthy things like that to you, Lucinda.
23:25Kiss, kiss, horrid, wit, messy.
23:27Elvis, do me a favour.
23:29Shut up.
23:30Well said, darling.
23:31Yes, immensely witty.
23:32Simon didn't mean kissing is distasteful.
23:34He meant you two kissing today is distasteful.
23:37Your husband is in prison, Jenny.
23:39Oh, had you forgotten?
23:41No, she hadn't quite forgotten.
23:43Don't start to give me moral lectures, Simon.
23:45Are you and Lucinda so morally pure yourselves?
23:47Yes.
23:48Simon.
23:49Apart from Simon's isolated laps, which he's told me all about and I've forgiven.
23:53And no lapses at all in your past, Lucinda?
23:56Unfashionably for this day and age, no.
23:58In 87 days' time, Simon will be the first person in the world to know my body.
24:04We were planning to invite you both.
24:06I'll watch with interest.
24:08I may even be able to give you a tip or two.
24:10Elvis.
24:11Are you enjoying the exhibition?
24:13Oh, well, er, roads.
24:16They aren't really me.
24:18But thank you for inviting me. You're great.
24:20Well, you know, it would have been great.
24:22Well, I, er...
24:27Good Lord.
24:29What's Liz up to?
24:31No, well, it's none of my business.
24:33How are you, Carol?
24:34I'm fine, Mrs Simcox, honestly.
24:36Mrs Simcox, I'm not your boyfriend's mother anymore.
24:39Call me Rita.
24:40Oh, you're so much more friendly to me now, now I'm not your son's fiancée.
24:44I suppose I became sympathetic to you because of how he treated you.
24:48And then I realised how much I...
24:57Oh, I'm sorry. Where was I?
25:00Well, I'm not quite sure.
25:02You said you realised how much you...
25:04And then you went into a kind of trance.
25:06Well, yes, I...
25:08I just wondered what Rodney's up to.
25:11No, well, it's none of my...
25:14No, I think I realised how much I realised
25:17how much more there was to you than my wretched boy realised.
25:21Look, Carol, I'd love to have a proper chat about things, you know, life and things.
25:25Now, why don't you come round to supper one night?
25:28What are you two plotted?
25:29My exciting future without you.
25:31Oh, God.
25:33I will. He's talked me into it.
25:37Sandra. Sandra.
25:39Sandra, may I have a word, please?
25:41I can't just drop everything.
25:43Why not? You usually do.
25:45I'm sorry. I know that was a tasteless joke, bitterly regretted.
25:49Please, Sandra, I must talk to you.
25:51You can't live without me.
25:53Something of the sort.
25:55Oh, better talk, then.
25:56All right, but we don't want any tongue-swagging.
25:58Look, so I'll go first, you follow.
26:00I'll meet you in the store cupboard opposite the lift, all right?
26:03Oh, thank you.
26:06So, if you fancied trying this new yoga class, perhaps we could go along together?
26:10Er... Oh, I'm sorry, I missed that.
26:13I was just wondering...
26:15What Ted was doing.
26:17Yes, well, it's none of my business.
26:22Now we know.
26:24You don't miss much, do you?
26:26Not a lot. Nor do you.
26:29I miss nothing. It's awful.
26:35Right.
26:44Look, um, Sandra, I just wanted to say...
26:48There's no point.
26:50No, all right, all right.
26:52But I just wanted to say it anyway, all right?
26:54We'll be quick.
26:56All right, right, I'll be quick.
27:00Oh, heck.
27:02Was that it? Oh, heck.
27:04No. I mean, no, it wasn't.
27:06No, I mean, I wouldn't have invited you in here just to say, oh, heck.
27:10I mean, I wouldn't, would I?
27:12Well, hurry up. Mr Munger's for your place. Have it with us, if we even stop to chat.
27:16No, no.
27:17No, I mean, well, I mean, I don't know. I've never met him, but, you know, I can imagine.
27:21No, all right, I'll hurry. I'll hurry, I'll hurry.
27:26Sandra.
27:28Oh, heck.
27:30No, Sandra, look.
27:33I treated you right badly, over that woman and everything,
27:36because I had false values.
27:40I worshipped false shibboleths.
27:42I abased myself in front of empty icons.
27:44You what?
27:45I craved for success, for money, for respect among my peers, for fame.
27:51Fame?
27:52Yes.
27:54I wanted to be a big fish in my small pond.
27:59I was seduced by glamour, charm, elegance, sophistication.
28:07All the things I haven't got.
28:09Yes. No, no, no.
28:11All the things that you don't need.
28:13You don't, because you are.
28:16You're Sandra, you see.
28:18You yourself, you're honest, you're fun, you're beautiful.
28:24Yes, you are.
28:26You are, Sandra, you're beautiful.
28:28I didn't argue.
28:30No, no, I mean, why should you?
28:32Because you know you are.
28:34You do, I mean it.
28:37And I love you.
28:39No, I did before, only I didn't realise it.
28:43And I treated you right, frankly, over that woman,
28:46and it's certainly right if you ignore me,
28:48but I don't care about those things any more.
28:51You know, fame, image, credit ratings,
28:55latest car registration numbers and all that cobblers.
28:59No, I don't.
29:01Look, if you'll have me back,
29:05and I don't blame you if you won't,
29:08but if you would,
29:10I would, um...
29:13I'd love you for the rest of your life.
29:16My life.
29:19Thanks. Can I go now?
29:22Hmm?
29:24Yeah, oh, yes, yes, of course you can.
29:26Of course you can go, there's no pressure.
29:28You know, go.
29:35Oh, heck.
29:49Nice time?
29:51No. Let's just hope it works.
29:53Oh, yes, awful if you had to do it again.
29:56Yes. Yes, it would be, Betty.
29:59Betty!
30:01Oh, I'm sorry. I trust you, but I don't trust her.
30:04And I don't quite trust you not to be defeated by her.
30:08I think I'd better go and have a word with Neville.
30:10I don't want this dragging on.
30:14Hello, Neville. Hello, Rodney.
30:16Hello, Neville. Hello, Rodney.
30:18Been outside? Yes, I fancied a bit of...
30:21Bit of what?
30:23Air. Bit of air.
30:25Ah, air.
30:27I see anyone else out there fancying a bit of air?
30:30Yes, funnily enough, Liz, funnily enough.
30:33Ah.
30:34I think I can claim a bit of insight into psychology, Neville,
30:37and it seems to me that Liz is, uh...
30:40How can I put it?
30:42Trying to cement your marriage
30:44with your harmless, flirtatious chat with me.
30:47To make you fume with jealousy.
30:49To make you commit yourself.
30:51See, as I see it, Liz knows what Lawrence would have done.
30:54Ignore it.
30:55She just has to know that history isn't repeating itself.
30:58She doesn't want her life going down the same lines it did with Lawrence.
31:01She's hoping you'll make a scene, sweep her off her feet,
31:04take her home and make mad passion and love to her.
31:09What, tonight? Yes.
31:11Make a scene tonight? In front of everyone here tonight, tonight?
31:15Yes.
31:16Oh, Lord.
31:23You were married to Councillor Simcock, our rising new star,
31:26for quite a while, weren't you?
31:28A quarter of a century.
31:29Rita must have been devastated when you, uh...
31:31Oh, she was, oh, yeah.
31:33She put on a brave face, you know, got herself a job, got into politics,
31:37got engaged, failed to turn up at the wedding.
31:39Yeah, that's right.
31:40Yeah, she's, uh, I believe...
31:42Yes, yes, that's right, she is, yeah.
31:44With Liz, Badger's brother? Yeah.
31:47I'm not running her down, but, uh,
31:49the reason why she keeps throwing herself at unsuitable men
31:52is trying to fill the chasm that was caused by our bus stop.
31:57It's very sad.
31:58No, very, very sad for her.
32:00Will there be wedding bells there?
32:02Oh, no, no doubt. Rita can get what she wants without getting married.
32:05What does she want?
32:06Companionship, happiness,
32:08intellectual and emotional fulfilment and...
32:11nookie.
32:12They'll sleep together.
32:14Yeah, well, the conversations I've had with Geoffrey and Rita
32:16would render that conclusion unavoidable.
32:19I mean, not that I care.
32:21No, I mean, you know, why should I?
32:23Quite.
32:24Thank you, Ted.
32:25Thank you.
32:26Thank you. What for?
32:27Dad.
32:28What?
32:29Will you do an in-depth interview with me?
32:30The torment of the father.
32:32Are you using your brother's misfortune to further your career?
32:35You are as selfish on principle as a little swine.
32:38I just thought as a prominent ex-foundry owner,
32:41given a public platform,
32:42because a lot of people listen,
32:44if they heard you making an impressive defence
32:46of the values you believe in,
32:48a moving analysis of the clash between your parental love
32:50and your respect for law and order,
32:52you never know,
32:53it might further your career.
32:5511 o'clock tomorrow morning, Sue, yeah?
32:57Right, right.
33:00Thanks.
33:01Do you think he'll have facilities?
33:03It must be awful having to slop out.
33:05Stop thinking about him.
33:06I'm not worthy of such constant love.
33:10Please, Jenny,
33:11if thinking of Paul could get him out of prison,
33:13I'd think about him all night.
33:16Mum, you look cheerful.
33:17Don't I?
33:18I'm doing me best.
33:19It's a very interesting exhibition.
33:21Oh.
33:22And all because you got elected.
33:24It really is your great...
33:25If anybody else calls this my great night, I'll scream.
33:29My son, the father of your children, is in prison,
33:32or have you forgotten?
33:33Mum, Jenny's been talking about nothing but Paul all night,
33:36and I begged her to stop,
33:37and that's the only reason she wasn't,
33:39and you shouldn't have said that.
33:40Not today.
33:41Oh, Lord.
33:43Oh, Jenny.
33:45I am sorry.
33:47I'm all on edge.
33:49Me too.
33:50You see, Elvis,
33:51it just isn't any use not thinking of Paul tonight.
33:53As we are thinking about him,
33:55how about doing an in-depth interview with me, Mum?
33:57Tomorrow.
33:58You're in torment.
33:59Elvis.
34:00Your mother doesn't want to exploit Paul's predicament for your career, Elvis.
34:03Thanks, Jenny.
34:04Bells, bells, women.
34:06Oh, I know.
34:07They do get in the way of your meteoric rise to fame, don't they?
34:16You look better after your spot of air.
34:18There's a touch of colour in your cheeks.
34:20Almost wonk a mistake for a flush of excitement.
34:23The wind, I expect.
34:24Did you see Rodney out there at all?
34:27Rodney?
34:28Why on earth should I have?
34:29Well, he popped out just after you popped out,
34:31and he popped back in just before you popped back in,
34:33and he looked as if he had a flush of excitement.
34:36The wind, I expect.
34:37I did see a shadowy figure.
34:39I heard grunts.
34:40I thought it was either an escapee or two people being passionate.
34:44Rodney and somebody?
34:45It's possible, I suppose.
34:47In the grounds of a hotel?
34:49Yes, isn't it?
34:51So you actually yourself didn't see Rodney yourself at all?
34:56You don't think Rodney and...
34:57Oh, Neville!
34:59Liz.
35:00Yes?
35:01Liz.
35:02Oh, yes.
35:03I...
35:04Would you like another drink?
35:09Thank you, Eric.
35:10No problem, sir. Tickety-boo.
35:14Rodney.
35:15Rodney.
35:16Been chatting to Liz a lot tonight?
35:18I mean, not that I've, um...
35:20I mean, I couldn't help it.
35:21I dream about it every night.
35:23With Liz?
35:24Rodney.
35:25Meat.
35:26Meat?
35:27Pork chops, steak, even savloys.
35:29Last night, I dreamt it was Christmas.
35:31We didn't have paper chains.
35:32We had chains of black puddings.
35:34We didn't have an angel on top of the tree.
35:36We had a wristle.
35:37No fairy lights.
35:39Illuminated faggots.
35:41It's not thought you were totally committed to vegetarianism.
35:43I bet he is.
35:44And I didn't like all that factory farming.
35:46But things that aren't factory farmed...
35:48Game and fish and, uh...
35:52More fish.
35:53See, all my employees, especially Rita and Jenny and my Betty...
35:57They think I'm a born-again vegetarian.
35:59A fundamentalist.
36:01And I'm not.
36:03I'm a businessman.
36:04It's profitable.
36:05I identified a gap in the market in this town.
36:07I filled it.
36:08Is that offer of a job still open?
36:10You were rather offensive earlier.
36:12No, no, that was only in fun.
36:13I thought you were on some sort of moral crusade.
36:15But a shrewd business venture?
36:17That's much more my line.
36:19You are very rude, Ted.
36:21So I suggest you stuff yourself up your own backside...
36:25Boil yourself for two hours over a moderate eat...
36:28And serve yourself with noodles and a tossed salad.
36:40Carol!
36:41You look lovely.
36:42Thank you.
36:43I am very happily sliced.
36:46No, not sliced.
36:48That's meat.
36:49Honey roasted ham.
36:50Juicy rare beef glistening with blood.
36:54Happily spliced.
36:56If I was younger, I...
36:58And unspliced.
37:00I do.
37:01But other younger people are.
37:04And I hope one of them will.
37:07Thank you very much.
37:10High time I made a little speech, Rita.
37:12Nothing formal.
37:13It has been suggested that since this is in a way your...
37:16Great night.
37:18You should make a little speech.
37:19You don't want to make a speech, do you?
37:21Heavens, no.
37:22Good, that's settled.
37:23I will, though.
37:24You what?
37:25Well, you wouldn't want me to disappoint me public, would you?
37:27Right, then.
37:28That's settled.
37:29I just want to find Geoffrey because I want to give him a chance of escaping...
37:32Before I make my speech in case it might embarrass him.
37:34It can't be much of a...
37:36Much of a what?
37:37Well, whatever he is to you.
37:39A lover, as I'm led to believe.
37:41I see.
37:42And who's led you to believe that?
37:44Your ex-husband.
37:46Rita, time's pressing.
37:49I used to run the Jupiter Foundry.
37:52You may have heard of it.
37:53Yes.
37:54Well, we used to met you out.
37:55Yes.
37:56In fact, I bought a poker off you.
37:58Good Lord.
38:00Good Lord.
38:03Good Lord.
38:05Fancy that, a small world, isn't it?
38:07You and me being linked by a poker.
38:09Amazing.
38:10Absolutely.
38:11Is it a sign, I wonder?
38:14Not a very happy sign, if it is.
38:16The knob kept falling off.
38:19Oh, did it?
38:21Yes, I seem to remember we did have some design...
38:24Problems of what?
38:25Look, changing the subject from pokers.
38:28Look, I was just wondering, would you...
38:31Would you like to...
38:32I'm sorry, Ted.
38:33I shall have to have a word.
38:34I'm sorry.
38:35Rita.
38:36Rita, I was talking to that young lady.
38:38I was having a very interesting chat.
38:40I was establishing social rapport.
38:42I was on the point of cracking it.
38:44Well, if you don't want to be interrupted when you're cracking it,
38:46perhaps you shouldn't go around gabbing about me and Geoffrey.
38:48What?
38:49I didn't, Rita.
38:50I didn't gab about...
38:51Look, I don't know what you and Geoffrey get up to any road.
38:56I mean, I don't...
38:57Look, maybe you do make love, maybe you don't.
38:59Maybe he ties you to totem poles and sacrifices live chickens to you.
39:03If he does, don't tell Jenny.
39:05I mean, maybe you just play Scrabble.
39:07I mean, I don't.
39:08No, I don't care.
39:09I'm not interested, Rita.
39:10I mean, I'm not.
39:12Well, as a matter of fact, we do, regularly, almost every night.
39:18Geoffrey loves Scrabble.
39:20Oh.
39:21Oh, good.
39:22Well, you know.
39:23Oh, good.
39:24I'm very pleased for you.
39:25And then we make love.
39:27Oh, good.
39:28Oh, good.
39:29Very good.
39:30Terrific.
39:31Terrific.
39:32He had me worried there for a minute.
39:33I thought he was all Scrabble and no trousers.
39:35But has it occurred to you, Rita,
39:37that I might like to make love with someone too
39:40and not be interrupted while I'm in the middle of the chatter?
39:43Well, not the chatter.
39:45That sounds rather crude.
39:46But in the middle of trying to establish social, emotional and cultural rapport?
39:52How dare you gab about my private life to Councillor Murfield?
39:56Rita, I did not.
39:58I did not.
40:00Look, he cross-examined me, Rita.
40:02He wormed it out of me.
40:03He did.
40:04Look, would I lie to you?
40:05Often.
40:06Yes, often.
40:07No, all right.
40:08All right.
40:09Well done.
40:10True.
40:11But not this time.
40:12Not this time, Rita.
40:13Look, I didn't even know it was being cross-examined until he said, you know, like, thank you.
40:17I mean, I didn't even know what he was saying thank you for.
40:19Rita, look, it...
40:24Did you systematically question my ex-husband about my private life?
40:27Excuse me.
40:31You've made an excellent start as a councillor.
40:33Already you've established yourself as an invaluable committee man... woman... person.
40:37You don't answer, therefore you're dead.
40:39You don't have to be evasive with me, Councillor Murfield.
40:42I'm not a TV interviewer.
40:43I'm just an obscure local councillor.
40:45Obscure? Hardly obscure.
40:46You hardly habitually keep a low profile, social life-wise.
40:49The actions of your youngest son plastered all over the papers, overshadowing this launch.
40:53You're jealous of me.
40:55There is no such thing as a private life in public life, Councillor Simcox.
41:02Oh, are you all right?
41:04Never been a lesser writer in my life.
41:07Oh, Rodney.
41:08I'm a sham.
41:09No, I am. I'm a sham.
41:11It's a shame, but I'm a sham.
41:14Do you see what I'm driving at?
41:16You're a sham.
41:17Oh, you've realised it too.
41:20Excuse me.
41:25Oh, bloody hell, not you again.
41:28Listen, it's nothing personal, Liz,
41:30but I wouldn't touch you if you were the last barge-pole in China.
41:34This has gone on long enough.
41:36Absolutely.
41:38You're drunk, so I'll speak slowly.
41:41It's a good idea, because I'm drunk.
41:43So if you speak slowly, I'll have a better chance of understanding.
41:47That's clever.
41:48If you so much as glance at my wife again,
41:52I shall put my dignity at risk
41:54and visibly thrash you to within an inch of your life.
42:00Terrific. Isn't that terrific, Liz?
42:03What a terrific idea.
42:05Come on, Liz, we're going home. I insist.
42:07Oh, Neville.
42:08Have you quite finished?
42:12Oh, Lord.
42:14You mean everyone's... Oh, Lord.
42:17I don't care.
42:19Come on.
42:22He's taking me home.
42:25He insists.
42:26Yes, I'm taking her home. I insist.
42:31Can I begin?
42:33Ladies and gentlemen, this is a great night.
42:36A great night.
42:38Soon our traffic congestion will be a thing of the past.
42:41Here we go, here we go, here we go.
42:44Oh, my God!
42:46Here we go, here we go, here we go!
42:49Out! Out!
42:50This is a private party. O-U-T. Out!
42:52You what?
42:53You heard what I said. O-U-T spells out.
42:55L-O-U-T spells lout.
42:57So out, lout.
42:59Are you calling me a lout?
43:01Yes.
43:02I want to make something of it.
43:03Look, there are ladies present.
43:04We don't want trouble and we don't want bad language, so piss off!
43:11There's no problem. Everything's tickety-boo.
43:13The interruption's over.
43:15Carry on with the speech, Councillor. We're all agog.
43:19In fact, I personally have rarely been agogger.
43:22No more interruptions.
43:24Amazing.
43:26As I say, a great night,
43:28and all made possible by the election of Rita Simcock.
43:34Thank you, and that's enough. We've got time expressing,
43:36and I'm sure you'd all like Councillor Simcock to say a few words.
43:39Councillor Simcock.
43:40Thank you.
43:44Sorry.
43:46A great night, says Councillor Murfield.
43:49Well, it's not for me, and you all know why.
43:52And I wouldn't be his mother if I didn't worry.
43:54I know that in public life we're supposed to...
43:58But I can't do that.
44:04No, it's no good. I shall have to say it.
44:06I mean, it's things like what's happened today
44:08that help you get things in proportion.
44:10Outer inner relief ring road, inner inner relief ring road,
44:14outer outer relief ring road, inner outer relief ring road.
44:17It'd be a great relief to me if we didn't have any ring roads at all.
44:21Clogged motorways. Look at the M25.
44:24Simcock's law. Traffic expands to fill the roads available.
44:27Too many people rushing to look at places that are being ruined
44:30because too many people are rushing to look at them.
44:33I think we should stop before we destroy our town with machines.
44:36Give it back to the pedestrians before there's nothing left to give.
44:41A great night.
44:43Sorry, Councillor Murfield. Thank you.
44:48That was unbelievable.
44:50Thank you very much.
44:51That was amazing.
44:53Oh, I was afraid you might be embarrassed.
44:55Of course not. I love you.
44:59Oh, sorry, Ted. I've done it again.
45:01Oh, no, it's all right. No, I'm being my guest.
45:03We have to go. The babysitter's unproven.
45:06And I've got work to do. That was great coffee, Mum.
45:09Newest councillor's sensational outburst against a road plan.
45:12Great stuff.
45:14Oh, and, Elvis, I will do that interview.
45:16A mother in torment. One o'clock suit you?
45:18Great. I'm doing a father in torment at 11.
45:26Even if there are facilities, I don't expect they're allowed to go during the night.
45:29Don't.
45:30Come on.
45:32News desk. Another scoop.
45:34I hoped I might influence you, Rita, profile-wise.
45:38Oh, but she did.
45:39She never agreed to do that interview but for you.
45:41Are you trying to sabotage your political career?
45:43No, I'm just telling you that I won't be playing by your rules.
45:50He's bitten off more than he can chew, are you, Rita?
45:52Thank you, Ted.
45:53Wasn't a compliment.
45:55I liked it, though.
45:56Yeah.
45:57Very quiet, Geoffrey.
45:59Wondering what you let yourself in for?
46:01Sorry to disappoint you, Ted, but no.
46:03I'm very good at chewing.
46:05My mother taught us to chew everything 32 times.
46:11Well, do you think you're cut out for politics, Rita?
46:15Listen, I care about the world's problems.
46:18And I want to be of some use and not entirely waste my life.
46:21And I want to be honest and open.
46:24And I want, if I make mistakes, and I will, to admit them.
46:28That's what I said. Do you think you're cut out for politics?
46:31More wine, anybody?
46:32Yes. Thank you, Eric.
46:34Eric, what you did just now, it was, wasn't it, eh?
46:37Amazing.
46:38Amazing, sir, what?
46:39Well, I mean, you're a... you know, aren't you?
46:42Ted!
46:43Well, I mean, he is, aren't you?
46:45With respect, sir, that's stereotype thinking.
46:48My great-uncle from Hereford was as bent as a nine-pound note.
46:52And undefeated in 32 fights.
46:54He was only knocked down once, and that wasn't in the ring.
46:57That was in a fracas at chucking out time in Leinster.
47:00After an auctioneer's runner had called him a Nancy boy.
47:03Well, yeah, well, I mean, Sandra, she knocked you down, didn't she?
47:07Well, call me a male chauvinist pig if you like,
47:09but I could never hit a woman, it's not in me.
47:11But tonight...
47:12Look, my job is serving alcohol.
47:15Alcohol is a civilised pleasure.
47:17Abuse of that civilised pleasure is abuse of my professional standing.
47:21Therefore I stand up and I am counted.
47:23Tickety-boo.
47:28Simon wants to know if you can get the ring road plan scrapped, Rita.
47:32Tell him, no, I can't get it scrapped.
47:34No, she can't get it scrapped.
47:36Dan!
47:37Dan.
47:39Thank you, Simon.
47:41What on earth for?
47:42Because every time I meet you, I get to thinking my two sons aren't such berks after all.
47:50God, I'm sorry about that, Rita, I'm sorry.
47:52I can't resist that, Simon.
47:55No, I mean, of course I don't think they're berks.
47:59No, I love them, really.
48:02Oh, Ted, I'm sorry I interrupted you with that woman.
48:06Oh, don't worry about that.
48:08I mean, that affair was doomed from the start.
48:10The knob fell off her poker.
48:13I mean, don't pity me.
48:15I still have my moments.
48:17Women still occasionally make me offers I can't refuse.
48:26A sausage roll, sir.
48:29Er, well, thank you, Sandra.
48:37Oh, Rodney!
48:38No, Betty, it must be said.
48:42Rita, you've had problems.
48:46Son in prison and other son carrying on with son in prison's wife.
48:53And your ex-husbands, ex-lovers who dragged him off in the middle of speeches.
48:59And I just want to show that great twat-arse council to think of me
49:04that you have some friends who know how to behave.
49:09I just wanted to thank you very much for inviting me.
49:13It's been a privilege to witness a great night.
49:22THE END
49:52© BF-WATCH TV 2021
50:22© BF-WATCH TV 2021