A Bit of a Do S01E01 The White Wedding
A Bit of a Do S01E01 The White Wedding
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00:00Oh, I'd love it, Stan. I can't. No, we've got a bit of a due on. Well, I'd love to skip
00:19it. I can't. I mean, it's my son's wedding.
00:23A bit of a due. A bit of a due. Smiling faces in public places. Getting to know the in-laws
00:40much better than expected. A bit of a due. Invited to a bit of a due. It's a small town,
00:51posh, nosh affair. Best behavior, being aware of others who are doing it too. Others who
01:01are seeing through you. A bit of a due. All tickety-poo. The bride's dimension, attracts
01:15attention. A scruffy young groom who defies convention. A bit of a due. Bit of a due.
01:24Invited to a bit of a due.
02:24Dearly beloved, we are gathered together here in the sight of God. Who I don't believe in.
02:33Oh, I wish we'd done it in a registry office. Which is an honorable estate, instituted of God
02:41in the time of man's innocency, signifying unto us the mystical union that is betwixt Christ and
02:47his church. Which holy estate Christ adorned and beautified with his presence, and first miracle
02:53that he wrought in Cana of Galilee, and is commended of St. Paul to be honorable among all
03:01men, and therefore is not by any to be enterprised nor taken in hand, unadvisedly, lightly, or
03:08wantonly, to satisfy men's carnal lusts and appetites. No mention of women's carnal lusts
03:14and appetites, I notice. But reverently, discreetly, advisedly, soberly. Oh, I hope so. I'll be
03:22watching her. I'll be watching him. If he lets the side down today. First, it was ordained for the
03:30procreation of children. Yeah, well, I'm afraid we jumped the gun a bit there. Secondly, it was
03:35ordained for a remedy against sin, and to avoid fornication. Sorry. Such persons as have not the
03:43gift of continency. All right. Aye. Members of Christ's body. Thirdly, it was ordained for the mutual society, help, and
03:54comfort that the one ought to have of the other, both in prosperity and adversity. Into which
04:02holy estate these two persons present come now to be joined. Therefore, if any man can show any
04:10just cause why they may not lawfully be joined together, let him now speak, or else hereafter
04:16forever hold his peace. Say something, somebody, please. Save my daughter from this unsuitable
04:26marriage, I beg you. Paul, wilt thou have this woman to thy wedded wife, to live together after
04:33He promised me he'd have his hair cut. He promised. In sickness and in health, and forsaking all other, keep
04:40thee only unto her, so long as ye both shall live. Oh, Jane. Will you remember our wedding? I will.
04:50Jenny, wilt thou have this man to thy wedded husband? Look happy, Lawrence. Look happy long enough, and who knows,
05:02you may even start to feel happy. And forsaking all other, keep thee only unto him, so long as
05:09ye both shall live. Oh, Lord, why did you take her from me? I will.
05:32Did you see Paul's hand? No. It's on the top of his head.
06:02As usual. He promised me he'd have it cut, and he promised. I mean, what was the thing?
06:09He already think we're not good enough for her. Come on, Louise, he's only a dentist. He's not First Lord of the Admiralty.
06:14Here they come now. Look happy.
06:18Doesn't it go off well? Oh, very. Oh, you must be very happy. Oh, yes. Jenny looked a picture. A picture. I think she's putting on a bit of weight.
06:35It suits her. Do you all know each other? No. No. Ah, Neville Badger, a very old friend of ours. Paul's parents, Ted and Rita Simcox.
06:46I own the Jupiter Foundry. I expect you've heard of us. Actually, no.
06:54Well, we make fire irons, companions, set door knockers, tossed in forks. Are you a dentist as well, Mr. Badger?
07:00Oh, no, no. No, I'm with Badger, Badger, Fox and Badger. Taxidermist.
07:12Delicators. I'll remember that next time I nick some spoons. I do like a good wedding, don't you, Mr. Badger?
07:21Yes, I do. I. Excuse me. His wife died six weeks ago.
07:36Oh, Lord. Well, that went off splendidly. Aye, it tried. Oh, this is Jenny's parents, Lawrence and Liz Rowanhurst.
07:47I don't think you've met very old friends of ours, Rodney and Betty Sillitock. Rodney's managing director of Cock-a-doodle-chickens.
07:57Your daughter looked a picture. A picture. Well, that weren't grand. Grand.
08:06The bride's parents, Lawrence and Liz Rowanhurst. This is Rita's parents, Percy and Carrie Sprague.
08:12How do you do? Here, Bayek, your daughter's a belter.
08:19All right. Aye, I've only been once since breakfast.
08:26I feel awful. Why? Right. Big smiles, please. Radiance pouring from every pore. Great. Terrific.
08:40Wearing white. Hypocrisy's the national disease and we've started to build our marriage on hypocritical foundations.
08:46Jenny. Right, now a nice dreamy one, OK? Two lovebirds gazing into each other's eyes.
08:55Great. Tremendous. Fabulous. The cost of my dress could feed an African family for 20 years.
09:00Jenny, just forget about all that. Just for today. OK, now a real sexy one.
09:10Nice. Very nice. If our child grows up selfish and deceitful, it'll be our fault. Jenny.
09:16OK, let's go for something a bit more informal now, right? OK.
09:22Is that all the man I've just committed myself to for life can say, Jenny? Committed for life? Sounds like a prison sentence.
09:31Oh, Paul, you don't think that, do you? No, of course I don't.
09:37Very good. Great. Tremendous. Fantastic.
09:41Anything you want in the ironmongery line, Lawrence, you know, custom-built door knockers, personalised cold scuttles, you name it, I can let you have it at cost.
09:49Oh, well, Liz, it seems this union can be of great benefit to our family.
09:54OK, big smiles. Happiest day of your life.
09:59Terrific. Magnificent. In fact, Ted, we already have one of your companion sets in our drawing room.
10:06Oh, in your drawing room. Very nice. I trust it's giving satisfactory service.
10:10Actually, the tongs have buckled.
10:12OK, now, a nice dignified one. Four pillars of local society linked by wedlock.
10:20Very good. Great. Tremendous.
10:23I'll let you have a replacement. Gratis. Have no fear.
10:26Ted, you don't talk business at functions. Mr Road Nurse doesn't discuss dental appointments at functions.
10:34OK, now change partners. Symbolise that you're all one big happy family now.
10:39Actually, I think you're both due for a check-up. I'll have my girl send you one of our little cards.
10:46Arms around each other.
10:51Nice and friendly.
10:55Come on, no inhibitions, please.
10:59Relax, let it all hang out.
11:06OK, happy couple back in with the two brothers.
11:18Elvis, have you met my brother Simon?
11:20No, it's one of the many pleasures I've missed out on so far.
11:23Oh, Simon, Paul's brother Elvis.
11:25Hello, Elvis.
11:27OK, big smile. Bags of brotherly love.
11:34Amazing.
11:36OK, say cheese, everybody. Cheese.
11:40Fromage.
11:43Very good. Tremendous. Fabulous.
11:51Have you made an assignation with him yet?
11:53What? With whom?
11:55With whom, she says. The Toasting Pork Tycoon. He's your type, isn't he?
12:00He's that rough, coarse quality you regularly mistake for manly strength.
12:04I saw you looking at him.
12:06Why did you have to say fromage?
12:08What made people laugh?
12:10Out of pity and embarrassment.
12:12Why did you have to ruin the greatest day of my life?
12:15I thought our wedding day was supposed to be the greatest day of your life.
12:18It was supposed to be.
12:24See you back at the hotel tonight.
12:26You look a picture, Jenny. A picture.
12:43How old is your father?
12:4576.
12:46You seem really, you seem really well done.
12:52Well done indeed.
12:58I want you.
13:01You what?
13:03A cake for your body.
13:19I hope my wife didn't upset you earlier.
13:21No, no, not at all.
13:23Well, she's always putting her foot in it.
13:30Lots of young badgers all raring to join.
13:33Badger, badger, fox and badger.
13:35No, I...
13:38We couldn't have children.
13:40I...
13:42Oh, Lord, excuse me.
13:48You look so lost.
13:50So uncouth.
13:51Oh.
13:53Oh, thank you.
13:55I...
13:56Hello, Jenny.
13:58She's beautiful.
13:59No, she's attractive.
14:00It's very different.
14:01But she's not beautiful.
14:03Well, I can see where she gets it from.
14:05Being attractive, I mean.
14:06Not being not beautiful.
14:08Well, thank you, I think.
14:12Liz, you know what you were saying earlier?
14:15I mean, wasn't that a bit naughty?
14:18I mean, I know that words needn't mean very much,
14:21but I mean, you know, they can be.
14:22I mean, can't they?
14:24You know, the...
14:25Over-disturbing.
14:26The...
14:28Well, dangerous.
14:30Do you really think my words don't mean very much?
14:33Surely.
14:34They aren't a total surprise.
14:36Well, um, well...
14:38No, I suppose I've known for some time that you were, um...
14:42Aflame with sexual hunger.
14:44Yes, aflame with...
14:45No, no, no, no, Liz, please, really.
14:47I mean...
14:49I knew that you didn't find me unattractive.
14:51I sensed that you didn't find me repulsive.
14:54Well, I sensed that you don't find me repulsive, either.
14:57Well, no, I don't. Of course I don't.
14:59I mean, you aren't.
15:01Have a tuna fish vol-au-vent, they are delicious.
15:04Don't you want me?
15:06Of course I do.
15:08Of course I do, but, uh...
15:11What do you mean, but?
15:13Heck, this is awful.
15:15Awful?
15:16It's exciting.
15:17It's wonderful.
15:19I'm alive again.
15:21Absolutely.
15:23Absolutely, I mean...
15:25I agree, absolutely, it is exciting.
15:27It's absolutely wonderful, but...
15:29Oh, it's awful.
15:30Exactly.
15:31Oh, dear.
15:32Poor Ted.
15:34Poor, poor Ted.
15:40But you promised, Paul.
15:42And I mean, what must they think?
15:44I see.
15:45Even on me wedding day, the parrot cry of the narrow-minded.
15:48What must they think?
15:49You don't understand the way the minds operate.
15:51They look down on us.
15:52We're trade, they're professions.
15:54In his own mind, he's practically on a par with doctors, that one.
15:57In Bolivia, they have 65% infant mortality.
16:00The average life expectancy of the tin man is his 37.
16:03The typical diet is boiled maize,
16:05followed, if they're lucky, by more boiled maize.
16:08Extra boiled maize is a treat at Christmas.
16:10So I honestly don't think that my haircut matters very much.
16:13Exactly.
16:14So it's not too much to have it cut, then, is it?
16:16Bloody hell, all right, I'll see you later.
16:18Where are you going?
16:19That new unisex place and new baldness.
16:21Paul!
16:22Nobody goes for a haircut in the middle of his wedding reception.
16:24Then it's time to break the mould of British social behaviour.
16:26If you want me with a haircut, you shall have me with a haircut.
16:29I wouldn't want to start my honeymoon riddled with guilt.
16:32Might make me impotent.
16:33Then they would like...
16:34There's no need to be disgusting, Paul!
16:41You're absolutely right.
16:42You are?
16:43You said words are too easy. Action is the thing.
16:46Oh, absolutely.
16:47What?
16:48Meet me in room 108 in five minutes.
16:50OK, I'll...
16:51You what?
16:52You... You what?
16:54I've booked room 108.
16:56What, for them to change in?
16:57For me to do my hair in if it was blown to bits in the church?
17:00I'll meet me there in five minutes.
17:02Please!
17:03Don't you want to?
17:04Of course I want to, but...
17:06Oh, that again.
17:08But what?
17:09I'm the groom's father, you're the bride's mother.
17:12I mean, it's their wedding day.
17:14Is doing it any worse than wanting to do it?
17:16Oh, no, no, of course not.
17:18But they may come to the room themselves.
17:20In the middle of their wedding reception?
17:22I mean, they'll be cutting the cake, there'll be the speeches.
17:24We'll be back.
17:25I think nobody will miss us in this crash.
17:28I mean, Liz, we are pillars of the local community.
17:31I mean, pillars of the local community.
17:33They don't do that sort of thing.
17:35I mean, they just don't.
17:36Oh, yes, they do.
17:37They just don't get found out, as we won't.
17:40But we never get a safer moment.
17:42Room 108.
17:45In five minutes.
17:46Oh, I'm...
17:48Oh, I...
17:49Oh, utterly and confounded, eh?
17:51Oh, God, it's you.
17:53Can I have a word, Ted?
17:54Yes, as long as it doesn't take too long.
17:56I mean, oh, God.
17:57What?
17:58No, nothing, nothing, I was...
18:01Right.
18:06What?
18:07It's our Paul.
18:08He's gone.
18:09Gone?
18:10Never spitting up already.
18:12I realise that youngsters these days don't regard marriage as sacred,
18:15but I mean, what, an hour and ten minutes?
18:17No, no, no, no, he's gone to get an haircut.
18:20He's done what?
18:21He's done...
18:22Is he mad?
18:25Oh, oh, that's you, Rita, isn't it?
18:28You've been having a go at him again, haven't you, eh?
18:30Well, I may have just touched on it.
18:32Oh, eh.
18:35My dear.
18:41Oh, all right, Rita, love.
18:43What's the matter, what's the matter, love?
18:46Everybody says what a picture Jenny looks.
18:49She does.
18:50Nobody says what a picture Paul looks.
18:52Well, he doesn't.
18:54No, don't leave me on my own, Ted.
18:56I hate functions.
18:58I feel so dreary, drab, dull.
19:01Rita, love, don't be so silly, don't be so self-conscious.
19:04Nobody's looking at you.
19:06Exactly.
19:07I'm just a grey smudge.
19:10You aren't, you are not a grey smudge.
19:14Rita.
19:17Look, I'm a man of discernment, I'm a leader of industry.
19:20Would I have married a grey smudge? I mean, would I?
19:22Well, I wasn't a grey smudge when you married me.
19:28Rita, love.
19:30Look, I'm an Englishman.
19:33Well, I mean, I'm a Yorkshireman.
19:36Can't come out with sweet nothings.
19:38I mean, you just can't.
19:40But I promise you, love,
19:42that you aren't, to me, in any way, a grey smudge.
19:49What more can I say?
19:51Yeah.
19:52Come on, come on.
19:54Yeah.
19:56Right.
19:57Now, look, there's Lawrence over there.
19:59Go on, now, do your bit, use your charm.
20:02Establish our social credibility.
20:04Off you go, love, go on.
20:06Where are you going?
20:09You must know I feel a pressing need
20:12to perform a certain natural function.
20:15David, you don't talk about functions like that at functions like this.
20:19Oh, well, you asked.
20:20Go on, go on, love, go on.
20:35Oh, it's a lovely buffet.
20:37Tuna fish volovants are a revelation.
20:40Well, they have a good reputation here.
20:42It's a lovely do altogether.
20:44I do love lovely dos, do you?
20:47Very much.
20:54Are you going anywhere special for your holidays this year?
20:59Yes.
21:01Thank you.
21:03Thank you.
21:04Yes, we're going to the south of France with Rodney and Betty Sillitoe.
21:09Well, it's a bit more sophisticated than Spain these days.
21:13We like to do something a bit out of the ordinary.
21:16Where are you going?
21:17Peru.
21:23Ah, hello.
21:25How are Mr and Mrs Twigg?
21:27Sprague.
21:30Oh, you really? That's grand.
21:33I love these old dialect words.
21:35Dialect words?
21:37Sprague.
21:39That's my name.
21:42Ah.
21:44I heck, Mr Odenhurst, all them cars in car park.
21:47One lifetime, so many changes.
21:50Eh, Clary?
21:51Aye, Percy, we've seen a few changes.
21:53Do you know, I can remember when it were all horses.
21:55Horsemen, you were all over the road.
21:57We used to shovel it up off roads whilst they were still steaming.
22:01The Alcyon days are over, Barb.
22:03Never to return.
22:07Fascinating snippet of social history.
22:09Excuse me.
22:12Why do you always have to show me up?
22:14Because you always think I'm going to show you up.
22:28Do you usually make love with your clothes on?
22:30No, no, that's not...
22:32It's just that I can hear a reception.
22:35They're chatting.
22:37They're laughing.
22:38They haven't missed us.
22:40Well, they might be able to hear us.
22:42Not all that noise.
22:44Oh, that sounds promising.
22:46Liz, please.
22:48We're wasting time.
22:49Lyd and I agree.
22:51We shouldn't be awake too long.
22:52No, no.
22:53Oh.
22:54Oh.
23:04Don't you want me?
23:06Oh, yes.
23:09Oh, Liz.
23:13Oh, awake.
23:15Your dress is lovely, Jenny, lovely.
23:17Thank you.
23:18I kept my accessories to a minimum in view of all the suffering in the Third World.
23:22Ah.
23:23Aren't you going to laugh at me?
23:25No, why should I? You have a point.
23:28It's funny, you seem quite human.
23:31I beg your pardon?
23:32You seem quite nice, but you run a kind of concentration camp for chickens.
23:38Oh, I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said that.
23:40Well, not today.
23:42Yes, you should, because you meant it, and I admire you for it.
23:45Well, it's just that...
23:47I think that if we think we have the right to exploit animals because we're superior to them,
23:51that makes us inferior to them because they never exploit us.
23:54Does that make me cranky?
23:56Er, no.
23:58We can never resist an attractive young woman.
24:01Don't you ever feel jealous?
24:03It doesn't mean anything by it.
24:05Just likes being near attractive young women.
24:07Oh, I envy you.
24:09Rita.
24:12Oh, she does look a picture, I must say.
24:14Must you?
24:15Rita.
24:18Chickens aren't like people, Jenny.
24:20They don't have the same feelings, they don't have the same expectations of lifestyle.
24:25I know, fish have no nerves in their mouths,
24:27foxes enjoy being hunted and lobsters get a sexual thrill out of being boiled alive.
24:31Oh, I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said that.
24:34Not today.
24:38But how can you live with yourself knowing how your chickens live?
24:41I love him for his foibles.
24:44But you must feel envy sometimes.
24:47No, no, I wouldn't want anything in my life to be any different from what it is.
24:51I envy you.
24:53I don't look at it the same role as you do, Jenny.
24:56They're units, costed items.
24:58See, I employ 300 people in an area of high unemployment.
25:01I couldn't do that without my cheap mass-produced methods.
25:04I suppose that's what people do.
25:06Compartmentalise.
25:08I mean, they say Himmler was very fond of dogs.
25:11Or was it purples?
25:13Must be dogs.
25:14I don't think he were at all fond of gerbils.
25:16No, I'm...
25:17How can you joke when I'm comparing you to him?
25:20Well, not that I meant that you're...
25:22Oh, sorry.
25:24Oh, bless you.
25:26Oh, you're being patronising now.
25:28You're forgiving me because I'm an attractive young thing.
25:31I don't want that, I hate that.
25:34Oh, I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said that.
25:36Not today.
25:40Oh, bless them.
25:42I envy you.
25:44Rita!
25:58Please, please wake up.
26:00We've got to get downstairs, come on, come on.
26:09I'm sorry to hear you can't get a job, Elvis.
26:11Oh, that's all right then, Simon.
26:13That makes me feel much better about the total uselessness of any life.
26:16I'm trying to be pleasant, Elvis.
26:19Effort, is it?
26:21I just thought that, as we're related by marriage now,
26:24Elvis, it would be a good idea if we tried to get along.
26:28You're right. I'll try.
26:30Sorry, sir.
26:36Were you named after...
26:38Of course I was, you silly twit.
26:42Oh, dear.
26:44Rita, you can't be responsible for how everyone behaves
26:47or you'll crack up. Now, come on, relax, have a drink.
26:49Oh, no, no, no.
26:51Sorry.
26:53But, really, you shouldn't have a chip on your shoulder about a name.
26:56Well, how would you like it, Simon, if you were called Garfunkel?
26:59What did you read at university?
27:01Dirty books, mainly.
27:03No, I meant... I know.
27:05That was a little thing we Simcox called a joke.
27:07Philosophy. Philosophy?
27:09Well, don't sound so scornful.
27:11I've registered as a philosopher at the job centre.
27:14No luck yet.
27:16Why, what do you do? I'm an estate agent.
27:18Ah. What do you mean, ah?
27:21I meant, ah. I can't think of anything to say
27:23in response to something so incredibly boring.
27:25So I'll say, ah.
27:27Well, you can mock, but selling houses is a bit more useful than philosophy.
27:31Well, I don't think Bertrand Russell and Nietzsche would agree with you.
27:34Bertrand Russell and Nietzsche?
27:37Are they the biggest estate agents over at Bevan?
27:39The famous philosophers, you ignoramus.
27:41I know.
27:43It was what we Rodenhurst call a joke.
27:49Now, relax.
27:51You can't control how your two families get on single-handed.
28:00Where have you been?
28:02Had a hit-off with the King of the Dorks.
28:04What?
28:06I'm joking.
28:08Where have you been?
28:10I needed some fresh air.
28:12In the immortal words you have used to me so often,
28:14I have a headache.
28:20Hello.
28:22Well, I feel the need for some more champagne.
28:24Oh. I'm practically a fixture in this corner.
28:27Good idea.
28:29Oh, no, no, not for the drink, no.
28:31So that I can keep an eye on my wretched husband,
28:33who has been known to overindulge.
28:35Haven't we all?
28:36No.
28:37Oh, I know how much I like, and I know how much is good for me.
28:40I won't change my ways just to please the so-called fashionable.
28:44Well, why should you?
28:48Oh.
28:49Well, I must say, Mrs Rodenhurst, it is a lovely do.
28:52And tuna fish volavonts are quite an eye-opener.
28:55Mrs Rodenhurst lives.
28:58We're related, aren't we?
29:01Oh, incidentally, where is that lovely husband of yours?
29:05Well, erm...
29:07Miss, erm...
29:09Liz.
29:11Well, I can't really say.
29:13Oh, a mystery. How intriguing.
29:15No, no, no, no, no, no. There's no mystery.
29:17No, it is...
29:19Well, it is answering an urgent call of nature.
29:22Oh, I see.
29:25Well, enjoy yourself.
29:29She hates me.
29:37You took your time.
29:39Oh, yes, yeah, no, sorry, sorry.
29:42I've been really badly.
29:44I think it must have been the tuna fish volavonts.
29:46Oh, they're delicious, Ted.
29:48They're different.
29:50Yeah, well, they're different, all right.
29:52It's just that I happen to be allergic, that's all.
29:55I mean, you know, do you remember Sorrento?
29:57Yeah, I had tuna fish then, didn't I?
29:59Well, that was 25 years ago.
30:01What difference does that make? It's lifelong, isn't it?
30:03Well, why did you eat the volavonts then if you knew you were allergic?
30:06Because, Rita...
30:08Because, Rita, love, I didn't realise I were allergic
30:11until I had the tuna fish volavonts.
30:13I've only just discovered the common denominator, tuna fish.
30:18What's the matter, love?
30:20Sorrento.
30:22You are?
30:24We were happy then.
30:26We are. I mean, we are, aren't we?
30:28I'm not. I'm absolutely miserable.
30:30I'm happy.
30:32Well, no, I mean, reasonably.
30:34I mean, well, you know, life's no picnic,
30:36but, I mean, well, I'm not unhappy,
30:38so, I mean, you know, why are you, eh?
30:40You shouldn't be drinking champagne, not if you've been baddled.
30:43Ah, no, no, true, good.
30:45Anybody notice that Paul's missing?
30:47No. Good, good.
30:49Good? It's a great tribute to our son's personality, isn't it?
30:52The first man in the history of the universe
30:55and nobody even notices.
30:57He'll never satisfy you. Why?
30:59Only meant good because nobody notices he's missing, that's all.
31:02Don't you think they'll be a bit surprised
31:04when he comes back with a short back and sides?
31:06Hello. Hello. Have you seen Paul?
31:08No, not recently, no.
31:10Oh, I'm just surprised I haven't seen him around for quite a while.
31:13My word. Married for over an hour and he's still so devoted to him.
31:16Hey, Rita, love, Rita.
31:18Oh, I'm sorry.
31:20I'm all on edge.
31:22I want us to be good friends.
31:24Oh, so do I, Jenny. So do I.
31:30Well, where is he?
31:32He's gone for a haircut. What?
31:34During his wedding reception.
31:36Well, it's probably my fault.
31:38You see, he promised he'd have it done and I ticked him off about it.
31:41Are you thinking of coming on the honeymoon?
31:43He what?
31:45Well, I mean, if he goes for a haircut during his wedding reception
31:47because you tell him to, he may need you on the honeymoon.
31:49Just tell him what to do.
31:52Oh, dear.
31:54Oh, hiya.
31:56I went for a walk. I was nervous.
31:58It's not much of a haircut.
32:00Wack.
32:02I never intended to have it cut.
32:04I just wanted to brighten her.
32:07Oh, Jenny.
32:09I love you.
32:11Oh, Paul.
32:16I'm lying.
32:18I was going to have it cut, but there were a queue.
32:20Oh, Paul.
32:24What a start.
32:26They'll sort it out, you'll see.
32:29What does marriage mean these days?
32:31Oh, come on, give them a chance, love.
32:33What does our marriage mean?
32:37It means...
32:39It means I love you, love.
32:42Oh, yeah?
32:44It's love, isn't it?
32:46I'm sorry.
32:49I'm frightened for them.
32:51I mean, what chance have they got
32:53if they haven't got any back-up?
32:55What do you mean, back-up?
32:57Well, I mean our two families making a real effort
32:59to be friendly with each other.
33:01I'm doing my bit.
33:04There you are. Rita, love, what are you doing?
33:06Nothing.
33:08Exactly. Now, come on, love, please, mingle.
33:10Why? Nobody wants to talk to me.
33:12They can see it in their eyes when I approach.
33:14Oh, God, here she comes.
33:16Rubbish, that is absolute rubbish.
33:18Now, come on, love, please, make an effort for Paul's sake.
33:21Come on, you can do it, come on.
33:23Just give me a minute, Ted.
33:25Oh, all right, love, come on.
33:36Reinforcements for Liz.
33:38Oh, ah.
33:40I'm a lucky man, aren't I? Pardon?
33:42My wife's a very attractive woman.
33:44Oh, yes.
33:46Yeah, I suppose she is, yeah.
33:48I mean, I hadn't actually...
33:50Well, I mean, I had, I had noticed,
33:52but I hadn't...
33:54Well, you couldn't help not, could you, really,
33:56cos it sticks out a mile.
33:58No, see, what I meant was that I hadn't...
34:00Yes, yes, she is, yes, yes, I suppose you are, yes.
34:04I thought Paul gave a very good speech, considering.
34:07Thank you.
34:09What do you mean, considering?
34:11Paul?
34:13Your mother's in there all on her own. She looks lost.
34:16Oh, I...
34:18I shouldn't have gone off like that.
34:20Well, give up, Simon.
34:22We've tried politics, royalty, class, sex,
34:25nuclear weapons, blood sports, estate agents' fees
34:28and Belgian beer and we haven't found anything we agree about yet.
34:31Sorry to interrupt. Please do.
34:33Elvis, it's your mother. She's looking a bit adrift.
34:35I think she needs rescuing. I'm not the US cavalry, Jenny.
34:38Well, it wouldn't cost much to go and talk to your own mother, would it?
34:44Hello, Mum.
34:46You all right? Fine.
34:52Mum, I'm sorry I went off like that.
34:55I thought you were going to miss the cutting of the cake.
34:57I mean, what would they have thought?
35:00Oh, hello there, ma'am.
35:02I wonder where you got to.
35:04Who sent you? What?
35:06You've both come out here on your own, haven't you?
35:08Yes.
35:10Who sent you? What?
35:12You've both come out here to cheer me up.
35:14For a moment, I thought it was spontaneous.
35:16Mum, what's wrong? Oh, I'm finding this awful.
35:19Our two families just aren't going to get along.
35:22Well, I'm trying my best with Simon.
35:25Unfortunately, he's a total boat.
35:27Elvis, do me a favour. Belt up.
35:29A surprisingly good speech, I thought, Paul, considering.
35:32But your mate Terry is the worst best man I've ever come across.
35:34I couldn't make out whether we're drunk or dys... dyslexic.
35:37Hey, hey, hey. Dyslexia isn't a laughing matter, Elvis.
35:40Oh, I'm sorry. He is dyslexic, is he?
35:42No, he's drunk. But he could have been.
35:44It's yet another proof that this is not a caring society.
35:47I mean, fancy calling the condition of not being able to spell
35:50by a word that nobody can spell.
35:52You see, all this caring about things, Paul, it worries me.
35:55He never used to care about things.
35:57Never used to turn a hair about dyslexia among Bolivian tin miners.
36:01They don't have that problem, Mum.
36:03Oh, good. They're illiterate.
36:06She's changed you.
36:07Yes. Yes, until I met Jenny, I was a great wet slob.
36:11Well, I loved that great wet slob.
36:14He was my son.
36:17I don't know what I'm going to do.
36:19Mum, what's up?
36:21They don't need one.
36:23Nobody needs one.
36:30She's all right.
36:31She's just got the idea that our two families aren't getting on.
36:34Oh, God, we're going to have to do something about this.
36:37Look, you get my father to talk to your mum.
36:39I'll get your dad talking to my mother.
36:41Right.
36:44Oh, heck.
36:45Straight up to the bathroom, violent deal,
36:47and flushes the second set down.
36:49Two sets in as many months.
36:54Hello.
36:55Hello, Paul.
36:56Hello.
36:57I wonder if you could do something for me.
36:59Of course, if I can.
37:01What is it that I can do for you?
37:03Mum.
37:04I beg your pardon?
37:05Mum, she's a bit upset.
37:07Oh, Mum?
37:08Yeah, yeah.
37:09You know, losing her son and all that.
37:10You know me, Mum.
37:11Well, no, you don't, but, you know.
37:14You'd like me to have a little chat with her?
37:17Yeah, yeah, if you could.
37:19She's not very good with people,
37:21so if you could sort of, you know,
37:24without her knowing, that'd be great.
37:28Fine, fine.
37:30Fine.
37:31Well, yes, fine.
37:34I'll just top up my glass and steam in.
37:44No, no, please.
37:45There's no need to bother with me, really.
37:47You are?
37:48I shouldn't have come.
37:50People melt away when I approach them.
37:52They form groups to exclude me.
37:54Surely not.
37:55I mean, this is England.
37:56I mean, this is Yorkshire.
37:57Oh, I'm not blaming them.
37:59I just can't cope.
38:00Oh, God, here comes poor Neville
38:02who talks about his dead wife and has tears in his eyes.
38:05You'd think a solicitor should know that grown men don't cry.
38:08Hey, Neville.
38:09Oh, she'd have loved this day.
38:12She adored Jenny.
38:17Oh, what can I say?
38:19Precisely.
38:20Leave me be, Ted.
38:21I'm a ship without a rudder,
38:23drifting on a cold, grey sea.
38:25Exactly.
38:26You're the very man.
38:28I know a harbour
38:29where there's a peeling old houseboat
38:31in need of a lick of paint.
38:33Peeling old houseboat?
38:34My wife.
38:35She's finding this difficult.
38:37I wonder if it would be too much trouble
38:40for you to...
38:41To bring my charm to bear?
38:43Why not?
38:44At some point in my existing for ten minutes or so.
38:46Good luck.
38:47She's in the other bar.
38:48Now, why don't you take her and play to them tuna fish volleyballs
38:50because she loves them.
38:51Right, will do.
38:52I'll just fill up my glass and steam in.
38:54Good man, good man.
38:57Hello.
38:58Hello.
38:59Ted.
39:00I'd like to feel that our two families could be friends.
39:04Yeah, well, so would I, Jenny.
39:05So would I very much, so would I.
39:06Go and talk to Mum.
39:07I'd like you to get to know her better.
39:09Bloody hell.
39:11No, I mean, sorry.
39:12If you'd only give her a chance.
39:14Yes, all right.
39:15All right, Jenny, I'll give her a chance.
39:17I think she's up here.
39:19All right.
39:20Where is she?
39:21Look, there she is.
39:22Mum.
39:23Mum.
39:26I'd like you and Ted to be friends.
39:28Well, that's nice.
39:30That's very nice.
39:33Well, I don't see why we shouldn't try and be friends, do you, Ted?
39:36No, no, no.
39:38I don't see why we shouldn't try to be friends at all, no.
39:40Good.
39:44If she knew.
39:45I know, I know.
39:46I feel terrible.
39:47Oh, Lord.
39:48You don't suffer from post-coital depression, do you?
39:51Liz, please.
39:52I mean, really, Liz.
39:54Do you know, I've often thought that would make a good slogan.
39:56I mean, if there was a sex marketing board.
39:59Post-coital for Christmas.
40:01Liz, please.
40:03Because I'm feeling terrible.
40:06I'm feeling guilty.
40:08Do you want to forget it ever happened?
40:10And make sure it never happens again?
40:12Of course I don't.
40:13You know I don't.
40:14Well, then.
40:15I mean, nobody suffers.
40:18Nobody knows.
40:20Think Lawrence suspects?
40:22Oh, well, yes, possibly.
40:24Lawrence and I have an arrangement.
40:26I do what I like, provided I'm reasonably discreet.
40:29And he doesn't do anything.
40:33Liz, I don't regard what we've done today as being reasonably discreet.
40:40I'm out of my depth.
40:42You're going to find that you are a much better swimmer than you ever believed.
40:53Ah, there you are.
40:56Yes, hello.
41:03Do you know, Rita, I think you and I have a lot in common.
41:12Well, how do you make that out?
41:14I may seem to you to be the happy professional man,
41:18I may seem to you to be the happy professional man,
41:22successful dentist, lovely house, beautiful wife,
41:25two highly satisfactory children,
41:29suave, confident, good-looking.
41:32Actually, I am a seething mass of doubts and inadequacies.
41:38Are you suggesting I'm a seething mass of doubts and inadequacies?
41:42No.
41:43Good heavens, no.
41:45What do we have a lot in common for, then?
41:51Why on earth should anybody say that you can't handle people?
41:55Who told you that? Who sent you?
41:58Oh, Lord.
41:59People are being sent out in streams to see if I'm all right. It's very worrying.
42:03Well, aren't you going to come in?
42:05Yes, in a minute.
42:08Now, Lawrence, will you please leave me alone?
42:10Right.
42:12Right.
42:16Ah, there you are.
42:18All right, who sent you?
42:23I feel sick.
42:25I thought it was only in the mornings.
42:27Oh, it's the tension, Paul.
42:29We've let the baby down, pretending it doesn't exist.
42:32Who knows what insecurities it may bring on.
42:34The science of the unborn baby is still in its infancy.
42:37Oh, oh.
42:41I think I might be going to be sick.
42:43I think I might be going to be sick.
42:47Well, walk out calmly.
42:50Look natural.
42:52Look natural?
42:54What?
42:55They say as men get older, they start to take after their mothers.
43:00That's a dreadful thing to say.
43:07Jenny, have a tuna fish bollabong.
43:10Paul, have a tuna fish bollabong.
43:12I'm sorry, I almost got you.
43:14It was a dreadful thing to say.
43:16But then again, it was dreadful of me to say it was a dreadful thing to say.
43:19I mean, in her condition.
43:21I mean, on her wedding day.
43:24Our wedding day.
43:28Any luck with Rita?
43:30Oh, no, sorry.
43:32Have a tuna fish bollabong.
43:33Oh, cheers.
43:35Ah, ah, ah, ah.
43:36You mustn't eat those.
43:38You're allergic.
43:40Ah.
43:44It's a lovely wedding.
43:45Thank you.
43:46Really lovely.
43:47No, no, no, I mean it.
43:49Really lovely.
43:50Really, really lovely.
43:52Well, they do these things well here.
43:54Yes, but the point that I'm trying to get across is this has been a lovely wedding.
44:00The message is getting through, I do assure you.
44:04It's our little snobs, these road nurses.
44:08We've made it, haven't we?
44:10You what?
44:11In life.
44:12Oh, aye.
44:14I'm exporting frozen chicken drumsticks to Matabini Land.
44:17Your door knockers in the shape of lions are gracing every neo-Georgian front door now, Woodley.
44:21We've made it.
44:23And remain friends.
44:25Wow.
44:26I feel good, Ted.
44:28It's a right good do.
44:29A happy day.
44:32Nobody's happier than Betty.
44:35Oh, Lord.
44:36I'll see if I can get her off the premises without a scene, bless her.
44:39I envy you.
44:40Aye.
44:43You needn't bother sending anybody else out.
44:45I've found a tiny reserve of strength.
44:47I'm ready for the fray.
44:49Rita, love, what a way to look at it.
44:51It's a wedding, not a fray.
44:52All right.
44:53She's been sick.
44:55Sick?
44:56Well, usually only in the mornings, but today in the afternoon.
45:02Oh, heck.
45:04Everybody, please.
45:06What?
45:07I've got to, Paul.
45:08Everybody, please, I have an announcement to make.
45:18I'm pregnant.
45:25I'm sorry.
45:28Well, we should have told you before, but...
45:31Well, we knew how much you were all looking forward to a bit of a do,
45:34a white wedding and everything.
45:37And, er, well, we decided to go through with it
45:40and then go away or something so you didn't cotton on to dates,
45:42because we know some of you still sort of think that sort of thing's important.
45:46Jenny.
45:47Come on, Jenny, come on.
45:49I'm sorry.
45:50We should have just gone and done it quietly on our own like we wanted to.
45:54We wanted you all to have a lovely day.
45:57Like we knew you wanted.
46:01We must go and get changed or we're going.
46:03I'm sorry.
46:04Come on, love.
46:06I feel much better now I've told everybody.
46:16Can I have the car, please?
46:18I'm going to sit him in the car. He's had enough.
46:21I haven't. I want to stick it out to bitter end.
46:24I'm not sure I appreciate that, Greg.
46:26No, no, Rodney. No, it must be sex.
46:30This has been a lovely wedding.
46:34The tuna fish volavoles were disgusting and all right.
46:41So some of the biggest snubs in this town are in this room.
46:45No names, no dentist drools.
46:50But it has been a lovely wedding.
46:53You won't take the odd snub and volavole.
46:58And that's the main thing.
47:06Sorry about that.
47:09Never mind.
47:11Come on, Rodney. Can't you see we're interrupting a family row?
47:17Goodbye.
47:18Thank you.
47:19Sorry.
47:27Oh, please.
47:28You can't be held responsible for the behaviour of your friends.
47:33So our Paul couldn't wait, eh?
47:35I'm not surprised. She's a right cracker.
47:37Or your relatives.
47:38Go to the car, Dad.
47:40She wants to get rid of it.
47:42She didn't want me to come.
47:44She's never welcomed me in her house.
47:46She pretends it's Ted, but Ted's all right.
47:48Now, come on, Father.
47:49It's a bit different from our wedding, eh, Clary?
47:52June 21st, 1938.
47:55It's a long time ago.
47:57Jolly well done.
47:59I've never forgot the date,
48:01but it was exactly two months to the day after our Rita were born.
48:04Percy, you wicked man.
48:07Well, I wouldn't have said it if she hadn't wanted me out of the way.
48:11Hey, come on, Mother, I need to go.
48:14It's the only good thing about being old.
48:17You don't have to give a pucker.
48:20There's no need to look at me like that, Mrs. Rodnerst.
48:23I was smiling, Mrs. Simcox.
48:25We don't need your smiles, Mrs. Rodnerst.
48:27After all, your family isn't as pure as the driven snow.
48:30What exactly do you mean by that?
48:32Well, your daughter's pregnant on a wedding day.
48:34Your son did have something to do with that.
48:36I hope.
48:37Ted.
48:38Mr. Simcox.
48:39I'll bet you 50 pounds you never make it as a philosopher.
48:42I mean, who ever heard of a philosopher?
48:44I mean, who ever heard of a philosopher?
48:46I'll bet you 50 pounds you never make it as a philosopher.
48:49I mean, who ever heard of a famous philosopher called Elvis?
48:54Oh, my God!
48:56Are you all right?
49:03I'm off now.
49:05Goodbye and thank you.
49:07I'm sorry if I...
49:09It was just too soon.
49:11I just couldn't cope with the sight of so many people enjoying themselves.
49:16I just couldn't cope with the sight of so many people enjoying themselves.
49:46I just couldn't cope with the sight of so many people enjoying themselves.
50:16I just couldn't cope with the sight of so many people enjoying themselves.