the ghosts of motley hall - season 1 episode 3
the ghosts of motley hall - season 1 episode 3
Transcript
00:30Don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don
01:00Get him out of there. Get out of here.
01:12Oh, shut up, will you?
01:15I don't like this.
01:28Master Bodkin? Are you here?
01:32Sir George? Fanny? Mrs?
01:37It's me, Matt.
01:40Oh, where have they gone?
01:45Ah. No such luck.
01:49It's bridge and the bell tower on Mondays.
01:52A bridge? It's a game.
01:56You trumped my ace!
01:58I didn't know you'd played it.
02:00You wool-gathering idiot. I'll have your shot at dawn.
02:02Could you make it sunset? I ain't getting up early.
02:05They made contract because of you.
02:07It's not the end of the world.
02:09Why can't you concentrate?
02:11Fishhooks.
02:13Hello, Matt. That makes the rubber, White Lady.
02:16Anyway, it's a silly game, not a patch on Gleek.
02:19Gleek? What in the name of thunder's Gleek?
02:22Oh, it's a three-hander. You have 12 cards.
02:25You said you didn't know how to play it. You said it was before your time.
02:28Did I? Oh, I must have read about it somewhere. I can't remember.
02:32Can't remember? You can't remember nothing.
02:34Anything. Convenient. Amnesia.
02:36Fishhooks. That's 200 you owe us, Sir George.
02:38Making the grand total 23,530.
02:40Are you sure?
02:42Absolutely positive.
02:44What do they owe us?
02:4651 pounds, 16 of forfeits, three fathoms.
02:48Why don't we change partners for the next 100 years?
02:52Shall we?
02:54No.
02:56But this heart-baked theatrical ham has the foggiest idea of how to play the game.
02:59What do you mean? I'm very good at triumph.
03:01I've come to terms with what I've got to tell you. It's not called triumph anymore.
03:03It's called wist.
03:05It was triumph in Elizabeth's day.
03:07And wist in Victoria's.
03:08If you lose your temper, you shouldn't have taught us in the first place, should you, Fanny?
03:11Of course he shouldn't. I can't stand bad losers.
03:14When do you have to pay him, Sir George?
03:17When we find the treasure.
03:19When we find the treasure.
03:21What treasure?
03:23Sir Peverell Uproar's mean beggar.
03:25Mean? He was too mean to spend Christmas.
03:27He made a fortune and sat up every night counting it.
03:29It was jolly annoying to watch, wasn't it, Bodders?
03:31Yeah, we even tried alting him.
03:33Yes, got him to see us eventually, but he still went on counting.
03:34You two can't have any, he said.
03:36You can't take it with you, you know.
03:38No, but can you, I said.
03:40Oh, no, he said, but I might show no one else gets their hands on it.
03:42And they didn't.
03:44The cocks come hipped a lot before he snuffed it.
03:46Looked for it myself several times when I was alive.
03:48Mentioned in the family history, ain't it, Fanny?
03:50Yes.
03:52Dug up half the croaky lawn. Complete waste of time.
03:54Another rubber?
03:56Deal.
03:58Oh, it's mine. Thank you.
04:00Hey, Bodkin, what are those boxes in the great hall?
04:02Oh, this one, you mean?
04:04Oh, they've been there for days.
04:06They should become their positive warehouse.
04:08Anything in them?
04:10Wirelesses.
04:12Hey?
04:14Wireless, of course, you wouldn't know what a wireless is, would you,
04:16being stuck in those stables for the last 200 years?
04:18Who was the first one to have a wireless at Botley?
04:20I think it was that objectionable woman
04:22who married the Honourable Gerald in 1928.
04:24That's because you fancied him.
04:26I don't think they are wirelesses.
04:28They've got glass fronts.
04:30They've got knobs on them.
04:32They've got drawers.
04:34Can I get on with the game, please?
04:36They are wirelesses.
04:38Piffle!
04:40I will prove to you that they are wirelesses.
04:42You unmitigated cat!
04:44I've seen enough in my time, I will tell you.
04:46Wirelesses.
04:48Look.
04:50On or off volume, see?
04:52Tatty armour.
04:54Huh?
04:56Tatty armour. I win.
04:58It's not a wireless, it's a tatty armour.
05:00Whatever that is.
05:02Whatever you might go off.
05:04Fishhooks, it's a wireless.
05:06See?
05:08I've said it before.
05:10Woo-hoo-hoo-hoo!
05:15Clawvery armour.
05:17No, tatty armour.
05:19Great Caesar's ghost.
05:21Well?
05:23It's not natural.
05:25You're right, Fanny.
05:27That's not a wireless.
05:29Telescope.
05:33Come on, Pomander.
05:35Come on, come on.
05:45Left it too late, that Pomander.
05:47Like horses, do they, boy?
05:49Live with them.
05:51Only thing you ever knew about was horses.
05:53Come down.
05:55In the next race it is.
06:03You haven't got plaster, have you?
06:05What?
06:07You haven't got plaster, have you?
06:09I'm not your mum, Ronnie.
06:11What time's he coming then?
06:13When it's dark.
06:15Bring in the van, is he?
06:17Of course he's bringing a van.
06:19He's not going to carry eight tennis all the way to Birmingham.
06:21Did you say eight, Geoffrey?
06:23Here.
06:25Somebody's nick one.
06:27Who? Kids.
06:29Kids?
06:30I chose a place.
06:32It's supposed to be haunted.
06:35Not scared, are you?
06:37Oh, me.
06:39Here.
06:41Could it be the caretaker took one?
06:43Would I have brought this stuff here if there'd been a caretaker?
06:46Huh?
06:48No.
06:50Money block what comes here is the estate agent.
06:52Here, do it for another fortnight.
06:54Oh, you've done your homework, Geoffrey.
06:56Of course.
06:58Hey, whoever took it might still be here.
07:00Let's look around.
07:19Are you going to sit in front of that thing all day?
07:21All day and every day.
07:23You think it'll go on forever?
07:25No, it'll run out of horses.
07:27There's seven more in the Great Hall.
07:28Gloriana, so there is.
07:30Look at them.
07:34It can't be good for you.
07:40Hey, you idiot!
07:42What's good isn't you staring at that box of tricks
07:44with your eyes popping out your head like a crowd at an execution?
07:47The blooming thing's a gorgon, if you ask me.
07:49And if you don't drive your mad, it'll turn you all to stone.
07:52You superstitious blockhead!
07:54Bring back the horses, you rude!
07:56Bring them back!
07:58By heaven, we shall watch it.
08:01Now, straight over to the studio kitchen,
08:04where Susan Wheatbinder is going to show us
08:07how to make angel cake.
08:09Angel cakes?
08:11Hello.
08:13Don't shout at me now, I ain't deaf.
08:15Stop bothering you.
08:17No, come your way.
08:19Excuse me, madam, what's happened to the racing?
08:22As you can see, this is the perfect cake
08:25for your children's party.
08:27Stand aside, madam.
08:29You're completely blocking my view of the horses.
08:31Have you got a pencil and paper handy?
08:33No.
08:35Good.
08:37Get out of the way, you pale-faced trot!
08:39I'd quite like to know how to make angel cakes.
08:41It might come in useful if I ever move on.
08:44Confound you! Stand aside!
08:56Seen anyone?
08:58No, Geoffrey, not this time.
09:04Try upstairs.
09:07You try.
09:10We'll both go.
09:21What are you going to do?
09:23I'm going to get rid of these things.
09:24They're a menace.
09:26I'm going to stick them in a secret passage.
09:28Secret passage?
09:30You never told me.
09:32It's a secret.
09:35Don't tell the others.
09:41What if I saw one of them?
09:44One of them?
09:46What, see a soldier?
09:48No.
09:50That's the policemen.
09:52What do they do?
09:54They sit in the kitchen and eat jam tarts.
09:57Drink tea and tickle the cook.
09:59And they look for stolen bicycles.
10:01What?
10:03Hicks, a two-wheeled mechanical horse.
10:05Hello, hello.
10:09Is he talking to us?
10:11No, they always say that.
10:13Take no notice.
10:19He looks pleased.
10:21Do you think he wants one?
10:24He can have them all as far as I'm concerned.
10:33Right, young man.
10:38Still don't touch the armour.
10:45That's the lead.
10:49I want to watch that.
10:51I don't.
10:52I want to watch the racing.
10:54So does Fanny, don't you, Barry?
10:56I don't mind what I watch, Dad.
10:58I can't wait to make one myself.
11:00I'll get one for myself.
11:02And now for our weekly item, yoga for life.
11:09Hello.
11:11How do you do?
11:13I'm going to ask each one of you a very personal question.
11:16When was the last time you breathed?
11:19Really breathed?
11:20Well, we're going to change that.
11:24I don't think you are.
11:40That's got him puzzled.
11:41Puzzled?
11:48Where did they come from?
11:50They must have cleared off yet.
11:52Looks like it.
11:54We'll have a quick look in that tower just to see.
11:56I don't believe it.
11:58It ain't possible.
12:01They must still be here.
12:03They must be.
12:05No one could get them away without a fight.
12:07Come on.
12:09Those things must belong to them.
12:11Come on.
12:17Hello, hello, hello.
12:19Now I've got it.
12:21Those other two are the thieves.
12:23You think so?
12:25Sure of it.
12:27I need to come to catch them and get back the tatty armours.
12:35Gloriana.
12:37He can see, Sir George.
12:41What are you doing in this house, Sir?
13:12Can you see me?
13:15See you, Sir?
13:17Oh, yes, I can see you.
13:19I'd like to know what you're doing here, Sir.
13:23I'd like to tell you,
13:25but I'm afraid you wouldn't understand.
13:28Oh, you'd be surprised, Sir.
13:30So you'd be me old cook.
13:32I can be ever so understanding.
13:34Can't be.
13:36I'm afraid you wouldn't understand.
13:38I'm afraid you wouldn't understand.
13:39I can be ever so understanding.
13:41Can you?
13:43Yes, Sir.
13:45It doesn't happen to many people.
13:47What doesn't?
13:49Getting stuck.
13:51Stuck?
13:53Why didn't he disappear?
13:55Yeah, well, you see,
13:57the policeman thinks that Sir George is, well, you know,
13:59flesh and blood.
14:01So he'd like Sir George to break it to him gently,
14:03but he ain't.
14:05Once he's got the idea, Sir George can fade away.
14:07You mean you're incapable of movement, Sir?
14:09When I say I'm stuck,
14:11I mean I can move from A to B, but not to C.
14:13Do you see?
14:15All right, then, Sir.
14:17Let's start again, shall we?
14:19I am General Uproar,
14:21General Sir George Uproar.
14:23That's me up there.
14:25And down here, too, of course.
14:27Doesn't that tell you anything?
14:30No, Sir.
14:32I lived here.
14:35Oh?
14:37When would that be, Sir?
14:40You're not ready yet.
14:43The Uproars have lived here for 500 years on and off,
14:46but mostly on.
14:48Now it's for sale since Humphrey died,
14:50and did you know you have a very unusual gift?
14:53Are you trying to bribe me, Sir?
14:55Well, in heaven's name, should I want to do that for?
14:58Look, have you a key to this place?
15:00Key?
15:02To get in and out. How did you?
15:04What?
15:06Get in and out.
15:07I don't think so, Sir.
15:09I know I did.
15:11I think you came through the window, Sir.
15:13What? For 58 years?
15:15Today.
15:17Both back and front doors are locked.
15:19Are they?
15:21Then how did you get in?
15:23A window at the back has been forced.
15:25By whom?
15:27I was hoping you might tell me that, Sir.
15:29I've told you I'm not in the habit of climbing in through windows,
15:31never was.
15:33Climbed out one or two in me time, though.
15:35Haven't me all, eh?
15:37No, Sir.
15:39How did you get in?
15:41Well, we'll have to know sooner or later, I suppose.
15:44I only hope the shock isn't going to be too much for you.
15:47I shouldn't think so, Sir.
15:51Before I disappear...
15:53Ah!
15:55I'll tell you when you can go, Sir.
15:57You tell me how you got in.
15:59I didn't get in.
16:01You didn't get in?
16:03No.
16:05I was here all the time.
16:09I see.
16:12Excuse me, Sir Woody.
16:14I think I'd better try and get some of this down on paper.
16:21I'll look at the bell tower.
16:23You guard that window.
16:25Suppose there's a candle from...
16:27I thought you was a black bell.
16:29No, that's my brother.
16:31Get going.
16:32Good-bye, Ronald.
16:46All right, that's certain.
16:48Now, let me put it this way.
16:50You were looking for something when I found you.
16:53What was it?
16:58I can't remember what they were called.
16:59Marvellous invention, though.
17:01Had a wonderful view.
17:03And this damn fool of a woman
17:05started making a cake in front of the stands.
17:07Cake? Stands?
17:09Oh, not cake stands.
17:11The stands at the race meeting.
17:13Damn it, do pay attention.
17:15Couldn't see the course at all.
17:17And this Fakir fellow turned up,
17:19so I thought I'd better get another.
17:21Get another what, Sir?
17:23Tatty...
17:25Tatty...
17:27Tatty Armour.
17:29All right.
17:31Tatty Armour. You didn't take them, did you?
17:33I'm looking for them, Sir.
17:35Eight battery portable, fully transistorised
17:37Tatty Armour television sets
17:39stolen from Stebbing's shop
17:41in Longbolding High Street last week.
17:43Stolen?
17:45They were here ten minutes ago, Sir.
17:47At least seven of them were.
17:49Stolen were they?
17:51What do you know about them, Sir?
17:53It's going round the back.
17:55Don't try leaving this house.
17:57And I wish I could.
18:00So throw down.
18:02What do you want?
18:04That blasted policeman can see me.
18:06Yes, I know.
18:08How long have you been here?
18:10Not long, have we met?
18:12No, not long.
18:14Stillness and calm
18:16at the very centre of your being.
18:18Still breathing...
18:20Get a person.
18:22How unpleasant.
18:24Can he see us?
18:26Oh, just as I was beginning
18:28to feel quite cosmic.
18:30Were you?
18:32Weren't you?
18:34No, not very.
18:36Oh, he's a rude lout.
18:38Let's ignore him.
18:40Don't force your body
18:42to do anything it finds is strange.
18:44That is really most important, you know.
18:53Are you getting the idea?
18:57Slowly.
19:01Try that again, shall we?
19:06Over your head.
19:09Come on, Fanny.
19:14That's it.
19:17And ease your knees.
19:19With complete...
19:21They're still watching it, I suppose.
19:24Someone's coming.
19:26Geoffrey!
19:28Who's he?
19:30One of the thieves.
19:32And there's the other one.
19:34We've got to get out of here.
19:36There's a copper in the place.
19:38No, you listen to me.
19:40I was out there guarding the window
19:42and the van turns up.
19:44And then this policeman appears from nowhere.
19:46He doesn't see me but he sees the van
19:48and he tries to stop it.
19:50Let's get out of here.
19:57Damn!
20:00Fine time for this to happen.
20:06Now then, sir,
20:08if you don't mind,
20:10I'd like your assistance in a small matter.
20:13What about that van?
20:15I'm afraid I can't.
20:17I'm afraid I can't.
20:19I'm afraid I can't.
20:21I'm afraid I can't.
20:23I'm afraid I can't.
20:24Fine time for this to happen in a small matter.
20:27What about that van, sir?
20:30The one that drove up just now.
20:33He's lost his marbles.
20:35You're right, Geoffrey, yes.
20:37Now, where have you hidden them?
20:39You mean them tattoo artist names?
20:41Haven't the fingest idea.
20:43What's more, I don't want them
20:45which had never set eyes on the confounded things.
20:47Ahhh, so you have seen them!
20:49Of course I've seen them.
20:51They've been here for days.
20:52Are you all right?
20:54No, I'm not.
20:56Look, try to stay calm, sir.
21:01If you must know, I am trying to vanish!
21:05I think you'd better sit down, sir.
21:07I don't want to sit down!
21:09All right, all right, it was just an idea.
21:11But I'd stop trying to vanish if I were you, sir.
21:15Damn it, man, don't you understand? I'm an emanation.
21:19You said you were a general.
21:21Oh, no.
21:23A shade, a spirit, a spectre.
21:32Ah, no, don't try to make a fool out of me, sir, because you can't.
21:36Now, where did you put them tellies?
21:38By Balaclava!
21:40I am the ghost of Sir George Uproar!
21:42I've been dead for 80 years!
21:44You don't know, but you're a medium.
21:46I'm a policeman, sir.
21:48You can see me, can't you?
21:50I'd have to be stone deaf not to, sir.
21:55I wish you'd stop doing that, sir.
21:58You've seen things before, haven't you?
22:00Come on, now, you have, haven't you?
22:02No.
22:03There's nothing to be ashamed of.
22:05Just accept the fact that you're different.
22:08I'm not. Not different at all.
22:12Just imagination, that's what me mammy used to say.
22:15Ah, go on, you've seen something.
22:17Nothing I've seen, nothing.
22:19It's just between us.
22:22Well, I...
22:24I used to think I'd seen this old fellow on top of me wardrobe.
22:27Go on.
22:28And there was this nun once in the cellar of the Admiral Nelson, but...
22:32Yes?
22:33Look, why am I telling you all this?
22:35You see this old dowerer sitting on top of your wardrobe,
22:38and you see this miserable nun in a pub,
22:40and yet you refuse to believe in me!
22:42Now, just a minute, sir.
22:44All right.
22:46Over there are the two fellows that stole the thing from me, Bobbs.
22:50You think I'm going to fall for that, sir?
22:52Very well. Follow me.
23:00Sir, what? He's cuckoo.
23:02There they are.
23:04What the...? Who are you?
23:06I'm Napoleon. He's Henry V.
23:08Rubbish!
23:09I can't take two more. They're as bad as you are.
23:11Who's he?
23:12He's the ghost of Sir George Uproar.
23:14Now, listen to me, you three lunatics.
23:16It's no use trying to pull the wool over my eyes.
23:18You're all coming down to the station.
23:19I refuse.
23:20You're coming.
23:21Is he being difficult?
23:22You heard what he said.
23:23Yes.
23:24Now, where are the television sets?
23:25What television sets?
23:26You know, don't you?
23:27I don't!
23:28Of course you do.
23:29Of course he does.
23:30Go on, you tell him where you put them!
23:31Well?
23:32You're the biggest idiot it's been my misfortune to encounter.
23:34These are the culprits arrested!
23:35As far as I'm concerned, you three jokers are all in this together.
23:38Gordon, man, they can't even see me!
23:40Don't start that again.
23:41All right.
23:45Ask them.
23:46Go on, ask them!
23:48Can you see him?
23:49Of course!
23:50That was so well.
23:51Where am I?
23:52You see, they can't even hear me.
23:54Oh, what's up?
23:55Where is he?
23:56Ah, well, he's there, isn't he, Ronald?
23:58Yes, he's there.
23:59You see?
24:00Look, don't play games with me.
24:01He's there, and you know it.
24:02I don't know it, you nigger pup.
24:04You three are trying to drive me round the bend.
24:07Now, will you shut up?
24:08Yes, shut up!
24:09And stop pretending you can't see him.
24:10Can we go now?
24:11I'm sure you've got a lot of questions to ask him.
24:13I've got a lot of questions I'd like to ask all three of you.
24:16And I've got a question I'd like to ask you.
24:18You ever heard the shortest ghost story ever told?
24:21These two fellows in a railway compartment, you see.
24:24Do you believe in ghosts, this one?
24:25No, says the other, and vanishes.
24:27I'm sure.
24:28You heard it before.
24:32Now, quick.
24:33Go, go, go.
24:47He did.
24:49He did!
24:52Why can't he see us?
24:53He only picked up Sir George's vibrations, I suppose.
25:04Oh, thank you, Sir George.
25:09Could become a very nasty habit.
26:03THE END