the ghosts of motley hall - season 1 episode 4
the ghosts of motley hall - season 1 episode 4
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01:10I like that. What's it called?
01:12A little ditty entitled King Philip of Spain's Round.
01:15Or if you want to know a drink, Twisty's Arm Arda.
01:18No? No.
01:20It used to go well at the Globe.
01:22Where are the others? I don't know, Sir George.
01:25Ten past four. It's always ten past four.
01:28What do you mean? Stock when needed.
01:34Sorry if I'm late. I've been practising.
01:36What on earth for? My pairing's a bit weak, see?
01:40Steady. Yes.
01:42It mustn't get rusty.
01:44It mustn't get rusty.
01:46Fartus, put it away.
01:48Watch me lightning, Riposte.
01:52If Fartus had that 200 years ago, I might have died in bed.
01:55Yes, yes, yes. Now, where's the White Lady?
01:57Could be in the cellars, having a quiet moan.
02:00No, I wasn't. I was sobbing.
02:03What for? I can sob if I want to.
02:06Screw you. Place that wall. I care.
02:08Now, may I have your attention, please?
02:11Now that the house is up for sale,
02:15we face the possibility of people.
02:18I think it's scandalous, after 20 years of peace and quiet.
02:22We have been very fortunate. Far more fortunate than many other.
02:26Quite. I know. I mean, look what happened to the mad monk of Ludder Manor.
02:30Who? What happened?
02:32I pulled a place down and built a sewage farm.
02:34Poor chap. Why doesn't he move?
02:37Who, Damien?
02:39Well, I'm glad that Motley's for sale. I like people in the place.
02:43It's interesting and it gives us something to talk about
02:47and it's fun if any of you can see us.
02:50Fun? Popeye and idiots always glaring at you and then scampering off.
02:54It's most embarrassing.
02:56You try to be seen.
02:58Remember John Longstaff, Fanny?
03:00Er, John who?
03:02Longstaff. Er, no.
03:04Yes, you do. 1920s tall Finn fellow with a banjo and spots.
03:08I remember the banjo.
03:10She used to follow him everywhere, even into the bathroom.
03:13How dare you?
03:15Poor lad nearly passed out when he saw her.
03:17He would have drowned if I hadn't pulled the plug out.
03:19I pulled the plug out.
03:21Oh! Ah!
03:23All right, all right. I'm sorry. Come back.
03:28If we please proceed.
03:30Fanny, what do you think about it?
03:33Does it matter who pulled the plug out?
03:35What? Oh...
03:37What do you think about people?
03:39Oh, yes.
03:41I think it's been uncommon dull with no people about.
03:44I suppose you like being walked through.
03:46Not much.
03:48I can't stand it. Nobody likes it.
03:50What do you think, Matt?
03:52I reckon it depends on the people who buy the place.
03:55I mean, they could be all right.
03:57If they weren't, we could put them off, couldn't we?
04:00Put them off, eh? Aye.
04:02Any suggestions?
04:04We could write something on the walls.
04:06I wonder what she had in mind.
04:09Something quite nice. Of course.
04:12A poem, perhaps. A plea with a touch of melancholy.
04:16We are the ghosts of Motley.
04:18We're British through and through.
04:20But please don't come and live here.
04:22Or we'll make a ghost of you.
04:24No? No.
04:26What about a nice little notice, then?
04:29Trespassers will be haunted.
04:31Always playing the fool, aren't you?
04:33Well, I am a fool. It's my job.
04:46So Humphrey lived abroad, you see.
04:48Europe?
04:50Er, no. He was in a rubber.
04:52Huh? Rubber. The plantations.
04:55Antique. He was antique as well, I think.
04:58He died out there, knelt on.
05:00Knelt on? Yes, by an elephant.
05:02They say it was very quick.
05:04What, the elephant? No, the accident.
05:06Oh, yes, I didn't think it would be.
05:08We've seen that one before, haven't we?
05:10Yeah, he looks after the place.
05:12It's sound, I can assure you. Sound as a bell.
05:21And, er, all this panelling's original.
05:24Oh, that'll have to come out. Huh?
05:26Well, we'll gut the interior in petition.
05:28New doorways, new passageways.
05:30Lock it up here, open it up there.
05:32Time I've finished, you won't know the place.
05:34I don't think... You think I'm a vandal, don't you, Mr Gudgeon?
05:37There are dozens of these old places, falling to bits.
05:40Nobody wants them. Well, this one'll be saved.
05:42Yes, I suppose so. Still, it won't be the same.
05:44Outside it will. Well, almost.
05:46Of course, those chimneys'll have to go.
05:48But there it is, a beast. There an eyesore.
05:53My word, it's cold in here, isn't it?
05:55Place is like a tomb.
05:57The BBC won't like that. BBC?
05:59British Banana Company, research division.
06:01People I work for. I thought for a moment you meant...
06:03Ah! Now, that's splendid.
06:05Yes, isn't it? It's Jacobean.
06:07I don't care if it's Anglo-Saxon, it's just the place for the lifts.
06:10Hey, the white lady spends hours on them stairs.
06:14Oh, no worm.
06:16Hello.
06:20Ha! Ah, the priest hole.
06:23Oh, no, it isn't. You'd never get a priest in there.
06:26Leave it alone. Don't touch it.
06:28Look at that. What's that?
06:30Oh, it's an old sword hilt.
06:32Put it back. What's the matter?
06:34That ought to fetch something. It'll fetch something, all right.
06:36But it belongs to the house. Yes, it does.
06:38Boo! Boo! Boo! Listen, we'll split anything we get for it.
06:41But it isn't ours. No, it isn't.
06:43Nobody knows it was there. I do. That's hardly the point.
06:45Yes, it is. You shut up.
06:47Look, if nobody knows it was there, who's to know where we found it?
06:49You're a villain. He's a villain. Well, that's true.
06:51I don't think we ought to have it.
06:53Look, you want to sell this place, don't you? Yes, of course.
06:55All right, then.
07:00Ha! Right.
07:02Let's go and have a look at the long gallery.
07:04Well, it's upstairs. Good.
07:13Get the others. We're in dire straits. Dire straits?
07:15Very dire. Hurry!
07:18Ah, dear dogs!
07:20It takes more than three of you.
07:24Here.
07:26How about your knapsack?
07:28The long gallery.
07:30Oh, I thought it was a bit longer.
07:32I am a student of Francis Uproar.
07:35A student can make three nights at Long's, this.
07:37Doomed to walk the earth.
07:39Now we can leave this panelling in. Doomed to walk the earth.
07:42Why can't you see me, you silly little man?
07:45Buddy, one keyword's as old as the Great Old.
07:47You see, he says we're in dire straits.
07:49You've stabbed me!
07:51All right, where to now? Oh, the east, please.
07:55And it's got to go back.
07:57What?
07:59Bad Lord William Sawdeelt. Who's Bad Lord William?
08:02He had the largest private collection of thumbscrews in Great Britain.
08:06Built his own gallows on the roof.
08:08Died of food poisoning. Food poisoning?
08:10Shh! Food poisoning?
08:12Yeah.
08:14He put hemlock in his suit.
08:16They thought that was the end of him.
08:18Well, it was, in a way, of course.
08:20Then he found his old sword, see?
08:22Got quite attached to it and came back and he haunted the place.
08:25He'd float around waving it at people.
08:28So they broke it, put the ilk in the panel and that stopped him.
08:34As long as that Sawdeelt was shut away...
08:37Shut away?
08:39So was Lord William.
08:41But now that it's been taken out...
08:45He's been released as well.
08:48And he won't be in a very good mood after 300 years.
08:52No, he wouldn't be, would he?
08:54But he can't haunt us, can he?
08:57No.
08:59He can haunt anyone.
09:01What's happened?
09:09Oi!
09:12Well, you won't get...
09:14My name's Uproar.
09:16You lying dog!
09:18I am Uproar!
09:20And Confusion.
09:22I am General Sir George Uproar,
09:24Knight-Commander of the Order of St Michael and St George,
09:26and I trouble you...
09:28You'll not trouble me, I promise you.
09:30Your name, custard-face!
09:33Vodkin!
09:35Vodkin? I have a vodkin.
09:37How sharp are you, vodkin?
09:40I'm not sharp, my lord. I'm blunt.
09:42To be blunt is to be to the point.
09:44How say you? A blunt and pointed vodkin.
09:48Impossible!
09:50I thought I was good at puns.
09:52Leave him be, you great bully.
09:54Have you flogged Roar?
09:56No, Lord William, please don't flog him Roar.
09:58A fan is impulsive, but he means well.
10:00I am master here.
10:02Yes, of course you are. But I'm...
10:04It must have been a terrible strain for you,
10:06cooped up in the woodwork all these years
10:08and cut off in your prime.
10:10You need time to get used to things,
10:12time to settle yourself.
10:14Make yourself at home. I am at home.
10:16Yes, of course you are. Who lives here?
10:18Nobody. Scully, I saw them.
10:20They don't live here.
10:22No, but if they have their way,
10:24it's cause that people will.
10:26What? They'll change everything.
10:28You won't know the place. You won't like it, my Lord.
10:30It'll be all brightly lit and noisy.
10:32It'll be far better off somewhere else,
10:34wouldn't it?
10:36Absolutely.
10:38If they have their way, eh?
10:40Then they shall not have their way.
10:42What do you mean?
10:44They shall be silenced!
10:46You can't do that.
10:48Why?
10:50We're going to have some lunch,
10:52finish looking round this afternoon.
10:54Very promising.
10:56Yes, very. Yes, we'll start with the cellars.
11:00The cellars?
11:04The cellars!
11:06I shall entomb them.
11:08No!
11:10They are doomed!
11:12Doomed!
11:14He must have had a very unhappy childhood.
11:16He's got to go back.
11:18But that man has a sword.
11:20Besides, we go on the panel.
11:22Do you think that he is a relative of ours?
11:24You ought to be pleased.
11:26You wanted a house empty?
11:28Well, he'll do it for you.
11:30I draw the line of killing people.
11:32I thought you were a general.
11:34We mustn't quarrel now.
11:36United we stand, ain't it?
11:38We must meet this challenge together.
11:40That's it. A challenge.
11:42A duel. You must challenge him to a duel.
11:44I say.
11:46Yes, and when you win, Lord William will be banished.
11:48Where to?
11:50The attic. We'll never go up there.
11:52Splendid, yes.
11:54I'll challenge him.
11:58There's just one tiny thing we've overlooked.
12:00What?
12:02It's such a trifle, I hardly like to mention it.
12:04God.
12:06What if I lose?
12:08You won't lose.
12:10Because I'd hate to spend eternity in the attic.
12:12Nonsense. You'll win. You're in form. You said so.
12:14All right.
12:16So if Annie gets rid of bad Lord William,
12:18what about the British Banana Company?
12:20If Wallace has his way,
12:22the place will be full of them.
12:24Bananas?
12:26We'll decide the rest of the campaign later.
12:28The defeat of bad Lord William is our first objective.
12:30Now someone must deliver the challenge.
12:32I will.
12:34You think you can find him?
12:36No need.
12:48You've had enough, haven't you?
13:08I always fight better when I've had a drink.
13:10I'm going to slaughter him.
13:12Slaughter him.
13:14Did you fight a lot of duels?
13:16Twelve.
13:18Thirteenth coming up.
13:20Did you win all of them?
13:22Not quite. I lost the twelfth.
13:24Why was that?
13:26I was drunk.
13:28Are you ready?
13:30Ready for anything.
13:32Ready for bed?
13:34That's enough.
13:36No, it's not.
13:38Where did he go?
13:40I reckon he pitched it to George.
13:42He can't find Lord William, can he?
13:44Hooray!
13:46Oh, yes, I can.
13:48I can fight any gooseberry bush grain.
13:52Oh, whatever side you're beset.
13:54Shut up!
13:56Oh, whatever side you're beset.
14:00Why are there three of you barking?
14:02You and your lightning riposte.
14:04I hope you're going to like it in the attic.
14:06That's all I can say.
14:08Why are you being so nasty to me?
14:10I always thought we were supposed to be friends.
14:12What's this?
14:14Great guns!
14:16That's my best of boys!
14:18He's finished it.
14:20He's finished all of us.
14:22Lord William's due at any moment.
14:24Well, we'll have to say he's indisposed.
14:26Indisposed? He's sozzled.
14:28Get him in there out of the way.
14:30Yeah, right. Come on.
14:32Damn disgrace to the family name.
14:38Well?
14:42The duel's off.
14:44What's a duel?
14:46Fanny Francis.
14:48Ate well.
14:50You lily-livered jackal!
14:52Who are you calling a lily-livered jackal?
14:54Draw your sword!
14:56He's thrown it, you fool.
14:58My noodle's drunk.
15:00Have it!
15:06It's our coward.
15:08To the attic, Swithin.
15:1048, 48.
15:12No need. The sod's vanquished himself.
15:14To the attics.
15:16It's not fair.
15:18Do as I say.
15:20They're back.
15:22But that sword belongs to Mockley Hall.
15:24It is mine, you villain.
15:26Right.
15:28Now then, let's go and have a look at the cellars.
15:30Must we?
15:32What's the matter? They're safe, aren't they?
15:34Yes, they're quite safe.
15:36I know it sounds absurd, but I saw something down there once.
15:38Saw something? What sort of thing?
15:40Well, I can hardly describe it. It was ghastly.
15:42I'm sure it was.
15:44What were you playing at?
15:46It wasn't my fault. He'd never seen me before.
15:48Oh, I've never heard anything like it.
15:50Ghosts, indeed.
15:52I tell you, I saw it. It moaned.
15:54I do hate being called an it!
15:58You've given up the moan, have you?
16:00I can't help it. It's a habit.
16:02Look, is it really necessary to go down in the cellars?
16:04Of all the girls
16:06that are so sweet
16:08Get him out of the way.
16:10There's none like pretty Sally.
16:14She's the darling of my heart.
16:18To the cellars!
16:20To the ethics!
16:22Follow at your burial.
16:28That cellar door jams
16:30if a sudden draft catches.
16:32Yeah, and he's quite good at sudden draft.
16:36Every old house is supposed to be haunted.
16:38My throne converted Lollington Grange.
16:40Headless horsemen and white ladies.
16:42Not a dozen, they said.
16:44Ha! I saw the thing myself.
16:46Dormant. Dormant.
16:50I'll tackle the beggar.
16:52Used to be quite handy with a sabre.
16:56Remember the Battle of Omdurman.
16:58We're outflanked by the beggars.
17:00The right way of going will all end up in the ethics.
17:02Charge! Charge!
17:04Down the slope.
17:16Put it away, fool.
17:22Another spit for the ethics.
17:26Missed.
17:28He's done it.
17:30He's chucked them in.
17:32Fetch a kite!
17:34Hooray!
17:36Ha-ha!
17:38Ha-ha!
17:40Ha-ha!
17:42Ha-ha!
17:44Ha-ha!
17:46Ha-ha!
17:48Ha-ha!
17:50Ah!
17:52Ah!
17:54Ah!
17:56Oh!
18:02I'll beat you!
18:14What's the difference between a beheaded man and a hangman?
18:16What is the difference between a beheaded man and a hangman?
18:18None.
18:20They both get it in the neck.
18:22Scoundrel! Violet!
18:24Patron!
18:26Don't just stand there.
18:28Get them other two out of the cellars.
18:30Come out and fight, can't you?
18:34You've got him worried, Bodders.
18:38It's stuck.
18:40We're trapped.
18:46He won't budge.
18:48We need something to lever it with.
18:50He's right.
18:52Don't just stand there.
18:54Pull, pull!
18:56Stand still!
18:58Think I'm a fool?
19:00Need a lever.
19:04Let it be, you slag!
19:06Ah!
19:08Help!
19:10We're doing our best.
19:12Help!
19:14Help!
19:16Don't banter. Save your breath.
19:18Nobody can hear us.
19:20Oh, if only they knew we were here.
19:22I don't think they'd want to.
19:24It's moving.
19:26Yield.
19:28Pulsar, George.
19:30Me?
19:40Hello?
19:42Go open the door.
19:44Come on.
19:46Look!
19:48They can see us.
19:50No, it's a thawed hill. Come on.
19:52Wait.
19:54If we could find the secret panel,
19:56we'd get rid of Bad Lord William for good.
19:58Look at that. I don't believe it.
20:04Ha-ha!
20:10Slides.
20:12Why do these things slide?
20:18Ha-ha-ha!
20:20Ha-ha-ha!
20:22Ha-ha-ha!
20:24No, no, no.
20:34Why on earth couldn't you...
20:36Ah!
20:38Ah!
20:40Hold on it!
20:42Don't!
20:44Matt!
20:46Catch!
20:48No, no!
20:50Yes, yes!
20:52No!
20:54No!
21:08We did it.
21:10I was supposed to fight Bad Lord William, wasn't I?
21:12Who?
21:14Another word out of you, Fanny,
21:16and I'll put you up in the attics.
21:18I didn't think you had it in you.
21:20I nearly had it in me several times.
21:22Somehow, I think we've seen the last of Mr Wallace
21:24and the British Banana Company.
21:26I'll drink to that.
21:28Not if I can help it.
21:30Ha-ha-ha!
21:32Well,
21:34I certainly feel very tired.
21:36Must be all this excitement,
21:38so if you'll excuse me,
21:40I've got some letters to write.
21:42Letters?
21:44Yes, to the Times. He's always writing letters to the Times.
21:46Come along, Fanny,
21:48it's time you went to bed.
21:54I let you down, didn't I?
21:56I'll face you.
22:00Oh, it's going to be
22:02a lovely evening.
22:06Oh,
22:08it's a little stiff in the morning.
22:10I wonder how Fanny will feel.
22:20Budkin?
22:22Yes, you did very well.
22:24Yes, I did, didn't I?
22:26How proud of me.
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23:10© BF-WATCH TV 2021
23:40© BF-WATCH TV 2021