the ghosts of motley hall - season 3 episode 5
the ghosts of motley hall - season 3 episode 5
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00:00♪
00:26Well, we ought to do something.
00:27Yes, Halloween is our big night.
00:30Are you sure it is Halloween?
00:31The 31st of October.
00:34Any ideas, Sir George?
00:38Phantoms declared obsolete?
00:40Have you seen this?
00:41I'm not surprised. I feel obsolete.
00:44Where's the party spirit?
00:46What?
00:47The party spirit.
00:48You mean that ghastly conjurer that materialised in 1953?
00:52Of course I don't.
00:53Good.
00:54Well, if you're not interested...
00:56I shall take this back to Gudgeon.
00:59Thanks.
01:12Here you are, Gudgeon. I borrowed it.
01:14I hope you don't mind. Happy Halloween.
01:20I don't believe it.
01:22Is it Gudgeon's?
01:24There's a store in it, for somebody said.
01:26What is he?
01:27We haven't had a piano here for years.
01:31And so, thanks to Gudgeon,
01:35we are once more able to celebrate Halloween
01:39with one of our traditional musical evenings.
01:43Hooray!
01:45Up the applause!
01:47Well, now, who's going to start?
01:50White lady.
01:54APPLAUSE
02:00I thought I'd give The Rustle of Spring.
02:03In October?
02:05She always played it on Halloween in the old days.
02:08Ah, all right.
02:10The Rustle of Spring by Schepau.
02:14APPLAUSE
02:24Ah!
02:30Ah!
02:36What?
02:40I'm having a little trouble with the lid.
02:43Ah. Hold on, missus.
02:48Oh!
02:50Thank you.
02:53Er, The Rustle of Spring...
02:57That is my piano.
02:59Mine, and nobody else shall play it.
03:01Do you understand? Nobody.
03:04Who do you think you are?
03:06I am Ludwig Stumpf.
03:09Huh? Ludwig Stumpf?
03:11You're foreign.
03:13I am British.
03:15Then stop waving your arms about.
03:17Nobody shall play my piano.
03:19Stumpf has spoken.
03:23Well, that's put Pike to the musical evening, innit?
03:26Rubbish! I'm not going to be dictated to by a wretched foreigner.
03:30No, even if he is British.
03:32To the keyboard, madam.
03:34Oh, well, er, I don't want to hurt his feelings.
03:37Confusion to his feelings?
03:39Forward!
03:41Oh, well, if you insist.
03:43Oh!
03:45No confounded killjoy! Get off!
03:47Ah, Sir George. Excuse me.
03:49Sir George, Sir George, it is his piano.
03:52I can't see that we can bully him into learning it.
03:55Now, perhaps I might persuade him.
03:58He looks quite susceptible.
04:00Looks about as susceptible as a howitzer.
04:03I'm sure a little feminine flattery is the answer.
04:07After all, I do understand the artistic temperament so well.
04:11Yeah, well, Corny, it's worth a try, innit?
04:14Would you mind?
04:17Oh, yes. Excuse me.
04:24Sorry. I...
04:33Herr Stumpf.
04:35Mr Stumpf.
04:37Oh, do beg your pardon, Mr Stumpf.
04:40Can you forgive our very ungracious welcome?
04:44Oh, gnädiges Fräulein.
04:47There's nothing to forgive.
04:49Ah, Mr Stumpf.
04:52Your piano obviously means a great deal to you, Ludwig.
04:57We went everywhere together.
04:59Rome, Vienna, Moscow.
05:01Oh, how romantic.
05:03Even after my tragedy, we remained together.
05:06Your...tragedy?
05:09Yeah. It was my first American tour.
05:12My last American tour.
05:15We were in a place called Tombstone.
05:17Very hot, very many cowboys.
05:19They all came to my concert.
05:21It was my biggest challenge.
05:23They were quiet for the Chopin.
05:25Not bad for the Brahms.
05:27But I don't think they liked Beethoven.
05:30Why not?
05:31They shot me in the presto.
05:33Oh, how dreadful. Was it quick?
05:36No quicker than I usually played it.
05:39Then everywhere the piano went.
05:44Oh, such strong, sensitive hands.
05:48If only...
05:50What?
05:52Nothing.
05:54No, no, please.
05:56If only that.
06:01You must have felt the need for an audience since you...
06:05Oh, many times, many times.
06:09You could play for us, Ludwig.
06:12Would you, Ludwig?
06:15Would you?
06:17How can I refuse?
06:20And then I shall play for you.
06:24I'll call the others.
06:28No need.
06:30Ludwig, Mr Stumpf has graciously consented to play for us.
06:38Happy Halloween.
06:40Happy Halloween.
06:42But not first.
06:44No.
06:45No, no, we must save you.
06:48After all, you are the ghost of honour.
06:53I'll play later.
06:54Yes, please.
06:55Thank you so much.
06:57No piano solos.
06:59But such...
07:00We mustn't upset him.
07:02Bodkin.
07:04Who, me?
07:06Yeah, go on, let's have Bodkin's ballad.
07:08Yes.
07:09All right, then, you'll all join in the chorus.
07:12Right.
07:20Where Bolsherich and Uprod live in Gloriana's rule
07:25Gloriana was what we called Queen Elizabeth.
07:28The British Queen.
07:30That's right.
07:31She built a mansion firm and fine and sent out for a fool
07:36Singing, hey, nonny, nonny, hey, nonny, nonny, hey, nonny, nonny, no
07:41I told him many merry a tale, he would not laugh and so
07:45Oh, throw him in the pond, both he and I had to go
07:50Singing, hey, nonny, nonny, hey, nonny, nonny, hey, nonny, nonny, no
07:55Last verse.
08:01I caught an everlasting cold, death wrapped me in its cloak
08:06And the moral of this tale is plainly funny, ain't no joke
08:11Singing, hey, nonny, nonny, hey, nonny, nonny, hey, nonny, nonny, no
08:21Now I play.
08:23Yes?
08:24No, not yet.
08:25First, it is my great pleasure to introduce,
08:28direct from her recent appearances on the stairs
08:32and the cellars of Motley Hall, that most feminine of phantoms,
08:36the White Lady.
08:38APPLAUSE
08:54When the owls start a-calling as darkness is falling
08:59And the bats go flitting by in the gloom
09:05Sadly combing my hair, I come floating down the stair
09:12Endlessly uttering portents of gloom
09:19Can nobody tell me my name?
09:23Can nobody give me clue?
09:27I'm moaning and sighing and howling and crying
09:36Oh, what else can a White Lady do?
09:46Oh, I've tried hard recalling my past
09:49And it's galling when I find I can't remember a thing
09:56So I give way to howls till I terrify the owls
10:02And then wringing my hands, my heart relentingly sings
10:10Can nobody tell me my name?
10:14Can nobody give me a clue?
10:18I'm moaning and sighing and howling and crying
10:28Oh, what else can a White Lady do?
10:38This...
10:43This awful amnesia will give me a seizure
10:47I'm so blue because I know family trees
10:53And somewhere I've read that especially when you're dead
10:59It's blue not to know who you happen to be
11:08Can nobody tell me my name?
11:13Can nobody give me a clue?
11:17I'm moaning and sighing and howling and crying
11:27Oh, what else can a White Lady do?
11:34What else can this White Lady do?
11:48Hey, Missy, is that one over with?
11:50Awfully sad, though.
11:52Yes. Awfully.
11:54HE CLEARS THROAT
11:55Now?
11:56No, no, no.
11:58After the interval...
12:00When's that?
12:02Now.
12:25Enjoying the concert?
12:27I play now, yes?
12:30Yes.
12:32After Sir George's song.
12:35No, no, it ain't a song, actually. It's a monologue.
12:38What's that?
12:39A sort of poem with musical accompaniment.
12:42I wrote it myself, actually.
12:45It's called The Opening of the Suez Canal.
12:48Is it very long?
12:5097 miles, to be exact.
12:52HE CLEARS THROAT
12:54The Opening of the Suez Canal.
12:58APPLAUSE
13:00Oh, hear my story of high endeavour.
13:04One that will stir all British hearts.
13:08A glorious chapter of our recent history,
13:12which took place, like so many other of our achievements,
13:16in foreign parts.
13:18That don't scan.
13:20It rhymes!
13:22It rhymes, but it don't scan. I mean, a poem...
13:24Egypt!
13:27Where once the mighty pharaohs ruled,
13:30land of the pyramids and sphinx,
13:33has lately seen a splendid undertaking.
13:37At least, that's what every patriotic Briton thinks.
13:43For ten long years, under the merciless sun,
13:47countless thousands detoiled with pick and spade...
13:54..their task to rival the great River Nile,
13:59where, from the dawn of time,
14:02crocodiles and other large reptiles have played.
14:07Oh, Rihanna.
14:09For now, the long and arduous dig was done.
14:13It was 1856, the month November,
14:17when 6,000 notable people arrived
14:20for an event that they would long remember.
14:25The cannons roared, their salvos of salute.
14:30Boom! Boom!
14:34What did you say, Francis?
14:36Boom! Boom, boom.
14:39I was being canon.
14:42Francis, if I need any help with this poem,
14:46I will ask for it.
14:48Sorry. Thank you.
14:50The cannons roared, their salvos of salute
14:55to the Emperor of Austria and Crown Prince of Prussia.
15:00His Highness, the Khadive of Egypt, drew nigh.
15:05Also, the Grand Duke Michael of Russia.
15:09November the 17th, the fleet set sail.
15:14Boldly, the Empress Eugénie's yacht did lead the way.
15:19I was on the steamyacht Deerhound
15:24with Major General Hopkins,
15:27who remarked that it looked like being a very nice day.
15:33Next day, we spent ashore in celebration.
15:39The Khadive's banquet lasted many an hour,
15:44and Major General Hopkins ate a sheep's eye,
15:49which I thought was going a bit far.
15:52Here. Here. Disgusting.
15:55Oh, they'll eat anything out there, you know.
15:59At noon upon the 20th of November,
16:03the White Yacht of the Empress sailed in sight,
16:07with numerous ships and steamboats following,
16:11blowing their sirens loudly with all their might.
16:16I never witnessed anything so grand,
16:20and future generations never shall,
16:24as I shook Major General Hopkins' hand
16:29and cheered the opening of the...
16:38Thank you. I wrote my...
16:41Wake up!
16:44Oh, forgive me.
16:47No, not yet, Ludwig.
16:50Not yet? No, I think Fanny should be next.
16:54Fanny!
16:56Fanny? Yes?
16:58Look alive there, Francis, if you'll forgive the expression.
17:02I don't know if I can remember it, at least not right through.
17:06Of course you do, Fanny. Come on.
17:09You won't mind if I have to laugh some of it?
17:12Never mind, Francis. Just begin.
17:20Young Captain Smith of Edmonton...
17:24Sorry. Or is it Halifax?
17:27What does it matter? Yes, it was Halifax.
17:31Start again.
17:33Young Captain... Oh, bother.
17:36Smith! Yes, sir, yes.
17:39Young Captain Smith of...
17:42Halifax!
17:44Who lived in country quarters,
17:48jilted maid who hanged herself one morning in her garters...
17:53Fanny, I hope this is going to be a nice song.
17:57What? Oh, yes, yes, yes.
18:00Go on, Francis.
18:02Young Captain Smith of Edmonton...
18:05Sorry.
18:11One night betimes he went to bed
18:15A thing which he did daily
18:18A ghost stepped up to his bedside
18:21And said, Behold, Miss... Miss, um...
18:24Oh, Lord. No, no, it wasn't Lord.
18:27Well, it must rhyme with daily.
18:29Must have bothered. Haley!
18:31No, no, no, it wasn't Haley. It began with a B, as a matter of fact.
18:35Bailey. Bailey! Yes, you have a...
18:38Get on with it, Francis.
18:40A ghost stepped up to his bedside
18:44And said, Behold, Miss Bailey
18:47Oh, Miss Bailey
18:50Oh, Miss Bailey
18:53Oh, unfortunate Miss Bailey
19:01Abort, Miss Bailey, then he cried
19:04Your face looks white and mealy
19:07Dear Captain Smith, the ghost replied
19:10You've used me ungentily
19:13The coroner's court was hard on me
19:16Because I acted frailly
19:19And nobody will bury me
19:22Though I am dead, Miss... Bailey.
19:25Oh, Miss Bailey
19:28Oh, Miss Bailey
19:31Oh, unfortunate Miss Bailey
19:38Dear shade, said he, since you and I
19:41Must trust once for all clothes
19:43I'll tell you I've a one-pound note
19:46In my regimental small clothes
19:49To bribe a man to dig your grave
19:52The ghost then vanished gaily
19:55Saying, bless you, wicked Captain Jones
19:58Remember poor Miss Haley
20:00Bailey. Oh, Miss...
20:02Sorry, I'm sorry.
20:05You all join in the chorus.
20:08Oh, Miss Bailey
20:11Oh, Miss Bailey
20:14Oh, unfortunate Miss Bailey
20:20Oh, unfortunate Miss Bailey
20:32When do I play?
20:34When do I play?
20:36In a little while, Ludwig. You must be patient.
20:39Your turn is coming.
20:41We'll have to wait.
20:43Yeah, well, I mean, it is his piano, ain't it?
20:45Well, of course he's going to play.
20:47And we're all looking forward to it.
20:50Aren't we?
20:52Immensely, yes.
20:54It'll be the highlight of the evening, won't it?
20:56Will it?
20:58But before you play, Ludwig,
21:00there is a song we always sing at Halloween.
21:03It's for, uh...
21:05You understand.
21:07Absent friend.
21:09Yes, quite. It's a...
21:11tradition.
21:13Yep, tradition.
21:18In ghostly conversations
21:20There's a word we all disdain
21:22It's simply never mentioned
21:25And the reason's very plain
21:27It's a very touchy subject
21:29For old phantoms such as we
21:31And so you know the word we mean
21:33It's spelt D-E-A-D
21:37Don't say it, don't say it
21:39Don't let it be said
21:40It's a word to avoid when you know that you're...
21:47A henpecked young marksman from London
21:50Thought an archery contest he'd enter
21:52His wife's loud complaining
21:54Interfered with his aiming
21:56And he shot his sour missus dead centre
21:59Don't say it, don't say it
22:01Don't let it be said
22:02It's a word to avoid when you know that you're...
22:06Here goes.
22:08Two foolhardy fakirs in Delhi
22:11Once decided they'd try to compete
22:14After swallowing fire
22:16They began to expire
22:18Their demise declared a...
22:20Dead heat!
22:22Don't say it, don't say it
22:23Don't let it be said
22:24It's a word to avoid when you know that you're...
22:29By a grave lay two amorous worms
22:32Their attachment was one of the firmest
22:35Said one, we're delaying
22:37Enough of this playing
22:39Let's go and make love in...
22:41Dead earnest!
22:42Don't say it, don't say it
22:43Don't let it be said
22:44It's a word to avoid when you know that you're...
22:52A hangman was testing his noose
22:54While preparing a highwayman's fate
22:56But the trapdoor gave way
22:58And the hangman they say
22:59Very quickly became a...
23:01Dead weight!
23:02Don't say it, don't say it
23:03Don't let it be said
23:04It's a word to avoid when you know that you're...
23:07I've got one
23:08It happened in the Tower of London
23:10Lord Neville and Drebbel were traitors
23:12Lord Neville was taller than Drebbel
23:14They were tied back to back
23:16Then stretched on a rack
23:17Until both of those lords was...
23:19Dead level!
23:21Don't say it, don't say it
23:22Don't let it be said
23:23It's a word to avoid when you know that you're...
23:26Dead!
23:32Oh, bravissimo!
23:34Bravissimo!
23:35And now, to end our Halloween celebrations
23:39I have the honour to present
23:42That world-famous pianist
23:44Ludwig Stampf
23:55Ludwig Stampf
24:25Ludwig Stampf
24:55Ludwig Stampf
25:00Ludwig Stampf
25:05Ludwig Stampf