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00:00This is one of the most shameful cases ever to come before this bench.
00:17In all my years as a magistrate, I have seldom heard a tale of such heinous iniquity.
00:26Be quiet!
00:32This parasite can think of no better way to end an evening's hooliganism on the night
00:40of the university boat race.
00:43Can our seats of learning produce barbarians so lost to decency that their highest ambition
00:51is to steal a hard-working police constable's helmet?
00:55I find you guilty as charged, Bertram Wilberforce Worcester, and have no alternative but to
01:09fine you the sum of five pounds.
01:15No buts, Worcester, no ifs.
01:23Take him away.
01:27Away, I say!
01:39We're here, Gav. Free Bob.
01:53Good morning, Mr. Worcester.
02:02Thank you.
02:23Good morning, Gav.
02:53Thank you.
03:23Thank you.
03:42I was sent by the agency, sir. I was given to understand that you required a valet.
03:48Very good, Sam.
04:18Late night last night, Sam?
04:48Thank you.
05:10If you would drink this, sir. It's a little preparation of my own invention.
05:15The gentlemen have told me they find it extremely invigorating after a late evening.
05:19I say!
05:42I say!
05:49I say!
05:51You're engaged.
05:53Thank you, sir.
05:55My name is Jeeves.
05:57I say, Jeeves, what an extraordinary talent.
05:59Thank you, sir.
06:01Could one inquire...
06:03I'm sorry, sir.
06:05No, no, of course not.
06:07I'm not at liberty to divulge the ingredients, sir.
06:09No, no, no, of course. Secrets of the Guild and all that.
06:11Precisely, sir.
06:13Ahem.
06:17Ha!
06:31I say!
06:33I say, hello?
06:35I want to get in.
06:37You'll have to come this way, I'm afraid.
06:39We can't shift him.
06:41I'll have a snifter before lunch.
06:43Sound idea.
06:45Anyone in the bar?
06:47Barmy Fungyfips.
06:49Is he?
06:51Oofy Simpson and Freddy Chalkmarshall.
06:53Really?
06:55The Worcester twins, of course.
06:57What, Eustace and Claude?
06:59You know them?
07:01They're my cousins.
07:03You must be Bertie Worcester.
07:05I am.
07:07I'm Rainsby.
07:09I'm the one the committee's going to blame for this, you know.
07:11They can't abide Moses, the committee can't.
07:13Oh, I think it adds a certain...
07:15What's it?
07:17Come on, Rogers, do give me a hand.
07:21Here we go.
07:33Bertie. Cousin Bertie.
07:35Did you meet young Dogface on your way in?
07:37I met someone called Rainsby in the hall with a moose.
07:39Elk. Sorry.
07:41It's a common enough mistake.
07:43It was a mistake. Pinching it.
07:45Where did you steal it from?
07:47Some big museum place. In Kensington.
07:49I don't think I've ever been to Kensington.
07:51Hello, Barmy. Yes, you have. Your mother lives there.
07:53Oh, that Kensington.
07:55So what do you want it for?
07:57It's for the Seekers.
07:59What are the Seekers?
08:01It's a club in Oxford. Eustace and I are rather keen to get in.
08:03Rainsby, too.
08:06Now, touching that lunch, you very decently
08:08were going to volunteer to stand us.
08:10Can't be done, I'm afraid. I've got to have lunch with our Aunt Agatha.
08:12Oh, no.
08:14Not the nephew-crusher.
08:20Bertie.
08:22Aunt Agatha.
08:24It is young men like you
08:26who make a person with the future of the race
08:28at heart despair.
08:30Oh, right.
08:32Cursed with too much money,
08:34you do nothing but waste your time on frivolous pleasures.
08:36You are simply
08:38an antisocial animal.
08:40A drone.
08:42Bertie, you must marry him.
08:46Oh, I say, really.
08:48Aunt Agatha.
08:50Will you be quiet?
08:56There, Macintosh.
08:58You want someone
09:00strong,
09:02self-reliant and sensible.
09:04No, I don't.
09:06To counteract the deficiencies of your own character.
09:08And by great good fortune,
09:10I have found the very girl.
09:12Who is it?
09:14Sir Roderick Glossop's daughter, Honorium.
09:16No.
09:18Don't be silly, Bertie.
09:20Sit down and eat your luncheon.
09:24She is just the wife for you.
09:26Really, look here.
09:28She will mould you.
09:30I don't want to be moulded. I'm not a jelly.
09:32And that is a matter of opinion.
09:34Lady Glossop has very kindly
09:36invited you to Ditteridge Hall for a few days.
09:38I told her you would be delighted
09:40to come down this afternoon.
09:42Oh, what a pity.
09:44I'm so sorry. I've got a dashed important
09:46engagement this afternoon.
09:48Nonsense.
09:50You will go to Ditteridge Hall this afternoon.
09:52Right.
10:00Oh, Jeeves,
10:02we shall be going down to Ditteridge
10:04this afternoon.
10:06Can you manage that?
10:08Certainly, sir.
10:10Will we be travelling by train, sir?
10:12By train, yes.
10:14People by the name of Glossop.
10:16Would that be Sir Roderick Glossop,
10:18the noted nerve specialist, sir?
10:20That's the one.
10:22Very good, sir.
10:24Which suit would you wear, sir?
10:26Oh, this one, I think.
10:28Oh, yes, sir.
10:40What don't you like about this suit, Jeeves?
10:42It's a very nice suit, sir.
10:44Well, what's wrong with it? Come on, answer this.
10:46Well, sir, if I might make the suggestion,
10:48if we are to travel by train,
10:50perhaps a simple brown Harris tweed
10:52such as this might be more appropriate.
10:54That's absolutely rot, Jeeves.
10:56Very good, sir.
10:58Perfectly blithering, my dear man.
11:00Just as you say, sir.
11:02All right, then.
11:04Yes, sir.
11:22Jeeves!
11:25I have to make one thing crystal clear.
11:27Yes, sir?
11:29I am not one of those fellows
11:31who become absolute slaves to their valets.
11:33No, sir.
11:35Well, as long as we understand each other.
11:37Perfectly, sir.
11:55CRASH
11:59CRASH
12:09I say!
12:11Oh, steady on!
12:13Is that Bingo Little?
12:15Me? Yes.
12:17That's not Bertie Wooster.
12:19It is!
12:21I haven't seen you for ages, Bingo.
12:23I'm living in the country.
12:25Really? Whereabouts in the country?
12:27Well, here, as a matter of fact.
12:29But why? You hate the country.
12:31Yes, I know. I got a job tutoring the Glossop Kid.
12:33What do you want to tutor the Glossop Kid for?
12:35Money, Bertie. Moolah. Oof! Spondulics!
12:37Oh, well, yes.
12:39Oh, yes, the only one of the family I know
12:41is the girl on Laurier.
12:43Oh, Bertie!
12:45What?
12:47I worship her, Bertie.
12:49I worship the very ground she treads
12:51Well, yes, as a matter of...
12:53Wait a minute!
12:55Have you told her? Not yet.
12:57I haven't got the nerve.
12:59We walk together in the gardens most evenings
13:01and it sometimes seems to me there's a look in her eye.
13:03Yes, I know that look.
13:05Like a sergeant major.
13:09Is that the kid?
13:11Yes. He's fishing.
13:13I'll introduce you, if you like.
13:17This is Oswald, Bertie Wooster.
13:19Well, well, Oswald, how are you?
13:21All right.
13:23Nice place, this. It's all right.
13:25Like fishing, do you? It's all right.
13:35Why don't you shove him in?
13:37In the water. Wake him up a bit.
13:39She'll never forgive me. She's devoted to the little brute.
13:41Great Scott!
13:43I've got it! Listen, bingo.
13:45Laurier's away, isn't she? She's coming back tomorrow.
13:47She's coming. My love, my own.
13:49Yes, fine. Absolutely.
13:51But you still want to make a hit with her, don't you, bingo?
13:53Yes. Bless you, my child. You can do it.
13:55How, Bertie? How?
13:57It's very simple.
14:05It's all in the wrist action, you see.
14:07You've got to get the flip forward first
14:09to disengage with the chin strap.
14:11That's where barmy Funky Phipps went wrong on New Year's Eve.
14:13Is that a person?
14:15Barmy? Well, there's some dispute about that.
14:17But you see, what he did
14:19was to pull straight back on the helmet
14:21and the policeman came with it.
14:23Oh, but he must have been hurt.
14:25Barmy? No. Just a couple of bruises.
14:27I think my wife was referring to the policeman.
14:29No, no, no, no, no, no.
14:31Not a bit of it. No. They enjoy it, like foxes.
14:33Foxes?
14:35How they enjoy being hunted.
14:37Oh, yes.
14:39But foxes are vermin, Mr. Woodster.
14:41Nasty, cunning creatures, like cats.
14:43Lady Glossop and I dislike cats.
14:45We hate them.
14:47Nasty, cruel beasts.
14:49Now, let me try to understand this, Mr. Wooster.
14:51Policemen, you say,
14:53enjoy having their helmets stolen?
14:55Well, uh, yes.
14:57Yes, I think they try and enter
14:59into the spirit of the thing, don't you think, Big Gil?
15:01Oh, yes. Yes, yes.
15:03But what is the point of it?
15:05Point?
15:07Well, it's, um, it's tradition, really.
15:09It's part of the rich tapestry
15:12of our island story. It's, um...
15:14Completely stupid.
15:16You mustn't be rude, Oswald.
15:18No, no, no, no. That's all right.
15:20He's young. He'll learn.
15:30What sort of a day is it, Jeeves?
15:32Extremely clement, sir,
15:34with the promise of further fine weather to come.
15:36Excellent.
15:38Just the sort of day for pushing cheeky young blighters
15:40off bridges, I should think.
15:42I couldn't say, sir.
15:44Shall I lay out our grey flannel trousers
15:46and the checked sports coat for this morning, sir?
15:48Oh, yes, yes, yes.
15:50I expect you're wondering
15:52what I meant by that last remark, eh, Jeeves?
15:54I should be most interested to know, sir.
15:56Oh, right.
15:58Well, I've had
16:00rather a stunning idea, Jeeves.
16:02Indeed, sir?
16:04You see, my friend Bingo Little
16:06is, well, more than a little
16:08smitten with the daughter of the house.
16:10Miss Honoria Glossop, sir?
16:12As you say, Jeeves, Miss Honoria Glossop.
16:14How do you know about Honoria Glossop?
16:16There was some discussion in the servants' hall
16:18last evening, sir.
16:20I'm given to understand she is a healthy young lady, sir.
16:22Yes, well,
16:24that's a very good way of putting it, Jeeves.
16:26Thank you, sir.
16:28And Mr. Little is enamoured of her, sir.
16:30Indeed he is.
16:32The trouble is the poor sap can't bring himself to pop the question.
16:34A common enough predicament, sir?
16:36Well, possibly, Jeeves, possibly.
16:38Anyway, your employer,
16:40fired, I must confess, by the fact that my aunt Agatha
16:42has me earmarked for Honoria,
16:44unless I can layer off onto someone else,
16:46has come up with a novel and foolproof solution to the problem.
16:48This is very gratifying news, sir.
16:50Yes, well, we thought so, Bingo and I, yes.
16:52What it is, is this.
16:54Miss Glossop's young brother, Oswald,
16:56is, by way of being, the apple of his sister's eye.
16:58Human nature is
17:00very mysterious, sir.
17:02Yeah, well, my thoughts precisely, Jeeves.
17:04Anyway, my plan is to lure Honoria
17:06to the vicinity of the bridge
17:08and then surreptitiously push the little blighter into the lake.
17:10Mr. Little will thereupon
17:12hop out from behind the bulrushes where he's been waiting,
17:14rescue Oswald, and have professions
17:16of undying love showered upon him
17:18by a grateful sister.
17:20What's the matter, Jeeves?
17:22I couldn't advise it, sir.
17:24Couldn't advise it?
17:26What do you mean, you couldn't advise it?
17:28It's just my opinion, sir,
17:30that your plan
17:32has too many imponderables.
17:34No, no, only Oswald's
17:36going to be imponderable.
17:38Imponderable.
17:40Thank you, sir.
17:42Yes.
17:44But if I might
17:46say so, sir,
17:48any undertaking that requires the presence
17:50of four people in one place at the same time,
17:52while two of them are unaware
17:54of the fact,
17:56is fraught with the possibility of mishap, sir.
17:58Oh, bulverdash, Jeeves.
18:01Not to say flat doodle.
18:03Very good, sir.
18:05No, I'm sorry, Jeeves,
18:07but when you've been a little longer in my employ,
18:09you will come to understand that
18:11all my chums rely heavily on your employer's
18:13wisdom and knowledge of human nature
18:15in the conduct of their affairs.
18:17Just as you say, sir.
18:19Not to mention my organisational powers
18:21and just plain thingness.
18:23Will that be all, sir?
18:25Yes, that'll be all, thank you.
18:27Just, um...
18:29No, that'll be all, thank you, Jeeves.
18:31Very good, Sam.
19:00Good morning, Mr. Worcester.
19:02Oh, good morning, Lady Glossop.
19:04Do sit down.
19:06I, uh, was looking for Oswald.
19:08Oswald? Uh, yes, well,
19:10he's probably getting ready to go fishing, I should think.
19:12At least I hope so.
19:14You hope so?
19:16Uh, yes, well, you know, fishing is a good healthy pursuit
19:18for a young lad. Character building, too.
19:20Backing against the mighty forces of Mother Nature.
19:22Yes, Orpheus Prosser once asked
19:24Bocoe Fiddleworth down to his place
19:26for some fly fishing. Poor old Bocoe couldn't fathom
19:28how anyone would want to catch flies.
19:30Still, that's Bocoe for you.
19:32Do you always breakfast at this hour, Mr. Worcester?
19:34Oh, good Lord, no. No, no, no.
19:36Only if I get up early.
19:38Sir Roderick was on his way to London
19:40at eight o'clock.
19:42Really?
19:44He had an urgent call from the Bishop of Hackney.
19:46Ah, the old bis got a few pages stuck together, did he?
19:48My husband is not in the book trade,
19:50Mr. Worcester.
19:52He is a well-known nerve specialist.
19:54Yes, that's what I said.
19:56He's doing work, it must be, too.
19:58Do you work,
20:00Mr. Worcester?
20:02Work as in honest toil, you mean?
20:04Yes.
20:06Hewing the wood and drawing the old wet stuff
20:08and so forth? Quite.
20:10Well, I've known a few people who worked.
20:12I absolutely swear by it, some of them.
20:14But... Bocoe Fiddleworth almost had a job once.
20:16Who is this
20:18Bocoe Fiddleworth you keep talking about?
20:20Bocoe?
20:22You don't know Bocoe? No.
20:24Good Lord, I thought everybody knew Bocoe.
20:26I do not.
20:28Looks like a parrot with a moult.
20:30No.
20:32Once put his shirt on
20:34Silly Billy to win the Cesarewich
20:36and Lady of Spain beat him by a nose.
20:38I have never met Bocoe Fiddleworth.
20:40No, well, I couldn't recommend it wholeheartedly anyway.
20:42He's an acquired taste, Bocoe.
20:44At least that's what his mother says.
20:46You were telling me how he once
20:48got a job.
20:50Oh, yes. Well, Bocoe's got an uncle in the city, you see.
20:52He broke stocks or something like that and he offered Bocoe this job
20:54and Bocoe accepted it.
20:56I don't think either of them could have been firing on all cylinders
20:58to be honest at the time. Anyway,
21:00chaos obviously ensued until Bocoe saw sense
21:02and gave it all up. Then we had to take it in turns
21:04to go around and sit with him until he'd calmed down.
21:06How would you
21:08ever support a wife,
21:10Mr. Worcester?
21:12Well, it depends on whose wife it was.
21:14As I said, a bit of gentle pressure beneath the left elbow
21:16when crossing a busy street normally fills the bill.
21:23Bertie!
21:25Bingo! She telephoned me.
21:27She phoned you, eh?
21:29Well, that's good, isn't it? Shows a friendly spirit.
21:31Well, she didn't phone me exactly.
21:33I mean, I picked the phone up because I was standing beside it.
21:35What did she say?
21:37She said, let me talk to someone with a brain.
21:39Ah. But it was friendly
21:41the way she said it.
21:43Ow! Go and start your Latin.
21:45Did she say what time she'd be back?
21:47In about an hour, she said.
21:49And when was that? About an hour ago.
21:51She's bringing a friend, Daphne Braithwaite or something her name is.
21:53Very well, then. Twelve o'clock.
21:55What?
22:01Twelve o'clock, the bridge, Oswald.
22:03Oh, right. Yes.
22:05We're still on for that, then, are we?
22:07Well, absolutely.
22:09You still want to bring a lawyer to her knees, don't you?
22:11Oh, Bertie, she's such a wonderful person. She has to be.
22:13Yes, fine. So, twelve o'clock.
22:15You be hidden in the bulrushes by the bridge.
22:17Oh, Bertie, do you really think she's... I'll see you later.
22:21See you later.
22:43Oh, leave the bags. Birkhead will get them.
22:45Birkhead!
22:47Come inside.
22:49I want to show you some of the things I shot last week.
22:51Hello, Honoria.
22:53Oh, it's that Bertie Worcester.
22:55What's he doing here?
22:57What are you doing here, Bertie?
22:59Oh, you know, this and that, hither and yon.
23:01This is my friend, Daphne Braithwaite.
23:03How do you do?
23:05Bertie's a wastrel.
23:07Oh, goody.
23:09At least that's what his Ardagatha says.
23:11Come on, Daphne.
23:13See you later, Bertie.
23:15See you later, Bertie.
23:17Oh, will I? Yes.
23:19Yes, see you later, Daphne.
23:21Oh, I see.
23:23Honoria. What?
23:25Will you come for a walk with me?
23:27What? You know, a walk.
23:29Birkhead, the bags.
23:31What for?
23:33I want to tell you something.
23:35Really? Now?
23:37No, no.
23:39In about half an hour.
23:41Right. No, no, no.
23:43That's when. That's when.
23:45In about 20 minutes by the bridge.
23:47Why in 20 minutes?
23:49It'll be better then.
24:01Hello, Mummy. I'm back.
24:03Did you have a nice time at the Braithwaite's, dear?
24:05Lovely, yes. I've brought Daphne back with me.
24:07Close the door a moment, Honoria.
24:13Come and sit down.
24:19I have been talking to Mr. Worcester.
24:21Yes, I saw him. What's he doing here?
24:23Mrs. Gregson sent him.
24:25What on earth for?
24:27He doesn't shoot.
24:29He doesn't hunt.
24:31It is your birthday next week, Honoria.
24:33I hope she didn't send him down as a present.
24:35You will be 24.
24:39Oh, no.
24:41Oh, no.
24:43It is a good family, Honoria.
24:45Oh, honestly, Mummy, he doesn't work even.
24:47He told me this morning
24:49he has been thinking about work.
24:51Here's not all
24:53your father and I would have hoped for for you,
24:55I agree, but
24:57surely you could make something of him.
25:03Is he keen at all?
25:05Oh, I'm sure he is.
25:07You know how these young men
25:09try to hide their feelings.
25:25Keep still, you ass.
25:27She'll see you.
25:29Don't sniff.
25:31Right, here she comes.
25:39Well?
25:41Yes, I was just thinking.
25:43What?
25:45This may sound a bit rummy,
25:47but there is someone here
25:49who is frightfully in love with you
25:51and so forth.
25:53A friend of mine, as a matter of fact.
25:55Why doesn't he say so?
25:57Simply hasn't got the nerve.
25:59Worships the ground you tread on
26:01but just can't whack up a ginger to tell you.
26:03This is very interesting.
26:05Is it?
26:07Oh, Bertie, how funny you are.
26:11I wish you wouldn't make all that row.
26:13You're scaring the fish away.
26:15Oswald, you shouldn't sit on the bridge like that.
26:17He might easily fall in.
26:19Might he?
26:21Oh, well, I'll go and tell him.
26:25Hello.
26:27Fishing, eh?
26:33Here, watch out.
26:35Ah!
26:39Help!
26:41Help him!
26:47Help!
26:49What are you doing?
26:51Help!
27:05Oswald!
27:15Oswald!
27:27Oswald!
27:31Oswald, are you all right?
27:33He pushed me.
27:35He's mad.
27:37Now you run along and change your clothes.
27:39Oh, Noria, I...
27:43Oh, Bertie, you are funny.
27:45First proposing to me
27:47in that extraordinary roundabout way
27:49and then pushing poor little Oswald into the lake
27:51so as to impress me by saving him.
27:53No, no, no.
27:55Now you run straight up into the house
27:57and change your wet clothes
27:59before you catch your death of cold.
28:01Bertie!
28:03Bertie!
28:05Just the man I wanted to see.
28:07Bertie, a wonderful thing has happened.
28:09Bloiter, what became of you?
28:11Your clothes are all wet.
28:13Bertie, I was just on my way to hide in those rushes
28:15when the most extraordinary thing happened.
28:17Walking across the lawn,
28:19I saw the most radiant, the most beautiful girl in the world.
28:21We started to talk.
28:23Her name was Daphne Braithwaite, Bertie.
28:25Our eyes met and I knew at once
28:27that what I imagined to be my love for Noria Glossop
28:29made Daphne so wonderful, Bertie,
28:31like a tender goddess.
28:33She's so sympathetic, Bertie.
28:35Daphne!
28:37And a handicapped only six.
28:47It's funny how these things turn out, don't you think, James?
28:49Indeed, sir.
28:51Before we get bingo under starters orders even,
28:53there he is, falling in love with this blessed six handicapper.
28:55Still, I suppose at least it means
28:57he's been saved from the frightful Noria.
28:59True, sir.
29:01But if I might say so, sir,
29:03at a cost to yourself
29:05which might have caused other lesser men to blench.
29:07Oh, come, James.
29:09Slight dousing is no more than a chap
29:11might do for any chap under the circs.
29:13It was not the dousing to which I was referring, sir,
29:15but to the engagement.
29:17Engagement?
29:19I was downstairs a few moments ago, sir,
29:21and could not help but overhear
29:23Miss Glossop announcing your engagement to her.
29:25Is it getting chilly in here, Jeeves?
29:27No, sir.
29:29Oh.
29:31Must be my imagination.
29:41But he was so sweet, Mrs. Gregson,
29:43and so funny.
29:45I find it difficult to envisage.
29:47I shall be back in a moment, sir.
29:49But he was so sweet, Mrs. Gregson,
29:51and so funny.
29:53I find it difficult to envisage.
29:55I shall be able to make something of him, I'm sure.
29:57Oh, he has led a completely wasted life
29:59up to the present.
30:01Oh, I say.
30:03Oh, be quiet, Bertie.
30:05But there's a lot of good in him.
30:07No, there isn't, actually.
30:09He simply wants bringing out.
30:11It's time I took you in hand, Bertie Werty.
30:13You want someone to look after you.
30:15No, I don't. Really, I don't.
30:17Good-bye, Bertie. Good-bye, Mrs. Gregson.
30:19Good-bye. Bertie.
30:21Yes, Aunt Agatha.
30:23Dear Honoria doesn't know it,
30:25but a little difficulty has arisen about your marriage.
30:27By Jove, really?
30:29Oh, it's nothing at all.
30:31Of course, it's only a little exasperating.
30:33The fact is the glossops are being a little troublesome.
30:35Sir Roderick particularly so.
30:37Ah, thinks I'm not a good bet, eh?
30:39Wants to scratch the fixture.
30:41Well, it's a shame that perhaps he's right.
30:43Don't be so absurd, Bertie.
30:45No specialist with his extensive practice
30:47can hardly help taking
30:49a rather warped view of humanity.
30:51You mean he thinks I've got fewer marbles than advertised?
30:53Oh, no, no, no.
30:55Well, he just wants to satisfy himself
30:57that you are completely normal.
30:59Well, for the blessed nerve!
31:01I mean, I'm not a chap to take offence, but...
31:03So I have said that you will give him dinner this evening.
31:05Well, if he thinks I'm a raving loony...
31:07No, don't be silly, Bertie.
31:09I'm not a chap to take offence.
31:11So I have said that you will give him dinner this evening.
31:13No, don't be silly, Bertie.
31:17And remember,
31:19the Glossops drink no wine.
31:21Yes, Aunt Agatha, I remember.
31:23And remember, Sir Roderick can eat
31:25only the simplest of foods owing to an impaired digestion.
31:27Yes, well, I should think
31:29a dog biscuit and a glass of water
31:31would about meet the case.
31:33Bertie!
31:35That is precisely the sort of idiotic remark
31:37that would be calculated to arouse
31:39Sir Roderick's strongest suspicions.
31:41He is a very serious,
31:43minded man.
31:55The Duke of Renfrewbridge's house, Bennett.
31:59Well done, Claude!
32:01My fancy wedding!
32:03My wedding!
32:09You're not Bertie?
32:11He's better looking than Bertie.
32:13It's very kind of you to say so, sir.
32:15We're his cousins. I'm Claude Worcester.
32:17I'm Eustace Worcester.
32:19I'm not his cousin. I'm Rainsby.
32:21I'm delighted to meet you, Lord Rainsby. Won't you come in, please?
32:23What's your name?
32:25Jeeves, sir. I'm Mr Worcester's new valet.
32:27The last one used to pinch his socks.
32:29Mr Worcester is not in at the moment, sir,
32:31but he would like me to offer you some refreshments.
32:33That's jolly decent of him, Jeeves.
32:35He has some Bollinger 27, which is particularly fine.
32:37It would be a shame to let it go off.
32:43Jeeves! Yes, sir?
32:45We've got some things down in the taxi
32:47which we want to take back to Oxford tonight.
32:49But the last train's not till 10.10.
32:51Say,
32:53are we invited to dinner?
32:55I regret not, sir.
32:57Anyway, we were going to ask Cousin Bertie
32:59if we could leave some things here until the train.
33:01I'm sorry, sir.
33:03I should have to ask Mr Worcester's permission first.
33:05What manner of things
33:07might they be, sir?
33:09A top hat. A fish.
33:11And a couple of cats, of course.
33:13Cats, sir?
33:15Perhaps Mr Worcester would not object.
33:17Oh, thank you, Jeeves.
33:19Dogface, go and get the stuff and bring it up.
33:21Right.
33:23Where is Bertie, anyway?
33:25He had an important meeting
33:27with Mr Fungy Phipps, sir.
33:29Barney Fungy Phipps?
33:31I believe that is the soubriquet, sir, yes.
33:33Has the I.Q. of a backward clam?
33:35It's my understanding that amongst fellow members
33:37of the Drones Club he is considered something
33:39of a dangerous intellectual, sir.
33:41That's the one.
33:43Mr Worcester informed me that he is attending
33:45the weekly meeting of the Drones Club Fine Arts Committee.
33:47No.
33:49Seven.
33:53Four.
33:55Ten counters.
33:57Ten.
33:59What's a ten counters, then?
34:01Ten. Tens and all picture cards
34:03count as ten.
34:05How long have you been playing this game, Barney?
34:07About an hour and a quarter.
34:09Anyhow, that's a leaner. Leaners only count half.
34:11Oh, good shot, Bertie.
34:13Well, my game, I think.
34:15You've not scored 100 yet, have you?
34:17500?
34:19Oh, well, I thought we were playing to 100.
34:21Let's have another drink at the bar.
34:23Can't be done, I'm afraid, Boker.
34:25I've got people coming to dinner. Toodle-pip.
34:27Bye.
34:29What do sevens count as?
34:41This is a story about
34:43Minnie the Moocher
34:45She was a low-down
34:47hoochie-coocher
34:49She was the roughest, toughest, frail
34:51But Minnie had a heart
34:53As big as a whale
34:55Hoody, hoody, hoody-hoo
34:57Hoody, hoody, hoody-hoo
34:59Roddy, roddy-rah
35:01Roddy, roddy-rah
35:03Tee-dee-hee-dee-hee-dee
35:05Tee-dee-hee-dee-hee
35:07But Minnie had a heart
35:09As big as a whale
35:11You know, I can't help feeling, Jeeves,
35:13that I could do better justice to this song
35:15if I understood what the words meant.
35:17Oh, I doubt that, Sam.
35:19The hoody-hoo stuff is pretty clear,
35:21but what do you suppose a hoochie-coocher is, exactly?
35:23It's difficult to say, sir,
35:25unless it's in connection with one of the
35:27demotic American words for ardent spirits.
35:29I'm thinking of hooch,
35:31a word of Eskimo origin, I'm informed.
35:33You barely well are informed, Jeeves.
35:35Do you know everything?
35:37I really don't know, sir.
35:39Hmm.
35:41She had a dream
35:43About the King of Sweden
35:45He gave her things
35:47She was needin'
35:49Now, you see, that is clever, Jeeves.
35:51Really, sir?
35:53That line about the King of Sweden and things she was needin'.
35:55Yes, His Majesty King Gustaf does seem to have been
35:57extraordinarily generous to the young lady, sir.
35:59No, no, no, no, no.
36:01I meant the fact that it rhymes.
36:03You see, Sweden, needin'.
36:05Almost, sir.
36:07He gave her a home built of gold and steel
36:09A platinum car with diamond studded wheels
36:11Hoody-hoody-hoody-hoo
36:13Ahem.
36:15I say, Jeeves, could you lend a hand here, do you think?
36:17Very good, sir.
36:19It's just that it's a bit difficult, you know, being just the one of me.
36:21It's a sort of call and response thing.
36:23I sing hoody-hoody-ho, and you have to go
36:25hoody-hoody-ho back. Do you understand?
36:27I think so, sir.
36:29Right, let's try it.
36:31Hoody-hoody-hoody-ho
36:33Hoody-hoody-ho, sir.
36:35Ra-da-ra-da-ra
36:37Ra-di-ra-di-ra, sir.
36:39Ti-di-hi-di-hi
36:41Ti-di-hi-di-hi, sir.
36:43Yes, I don't mean to be overly critical, Jeeves.
36:45I mean, I know you're doing your best.
36:47Thank you, sir.
36:49I just think that perhaps we could dispense
36:51with the sir at the end of every line.
36:53It shows the proper feudal spirit and all that,
36:55but I'm afraid it doesn't play
36:57merry hell with the rhythm of the thing.
36:59Very good, sir.
37:01All right.
37:03Hoody-hoody-ho
37:05Hoody-hoody-ho
37:07Ti-di-hi-di-hi
37:09Ti-di-hi-di-hi
37:11Ti-di-hi-di-hi
37:13Well, now, Jeeves.
37:15Do you think I ought to sing
37:17Minnie the Moocher to the Glossops this evening?
37:19I shouldn't think it advisable, sir.
37:21I've not heard that Sir Roderick is musical.
37:23No, but Lady Glossop is.
37:25There is also that to be considered, sir.
37:27What are you giving us for dinner tonight?
37:29Consommé, sir,
37:31a cutlet and a savoury
37:33and some lemon squash, iced.
37:35Well, I don't see how that can harm them.
37:37Just don't get carried away
37:39away with the excitement of the thing and start bringing in coffee. very good sir.
37:43right stand by Jeeves. thinks I'm barmy does he? we'll show him eh Jeeves?
37:49do you bit of me sir? just don't let your eyes go glassy or you'll find yourself
37:55in a padded cell before you know where you are.
37:59what oh what oh what oh. good evening mr. Worcester. good evening Jeeves.
38:05evening Lady Clotham. we're a little late I'm afraid.
38:09sir Roderick was detained at the Duke of Ramphermlins.
38:12Ramphermlins? yes he's off his rocker isn't he?
38:15there's nothing seriously wrong with his grace. it's merely unfortunate that his
38:19footman failed to give him his sugar this morning.
38:21sugar? he likes a lump of sugar first thing. his grace is under the impression
38:25that he is a canary. oh well mistake anyone might make.
38:30and as he didn't get his sugar he flew into a temper
38:33and tried to perch on the picture rail. well it's not unreasonable.
38:37I rather feel like doing that in the mornings when I don't get my tea.
38:40all right so shall we go Freddie in then?
38:53uh now if I sit in the middle uh Lady Glossop would you like to sit on my
38:57right and sir Roderick on my left.
39:01is that right? no wait a minute. no but Lady Glossop ought to sit in the middle.
39:04um well she's the only lady. um then we can sit either side.
39:08shall we try that? yes Lady Glossop in the middle. uh yes if you'd like to go
39:12on the other side sir Roderick and I'll sit here. no wait a minute. that's not
39:15right is it? no sir Roderick ought to sit in the middle.
39:18oh well he's the only knight. distinguished gent and all that. yes
39:21Roderick in the middle. no it's all right. we're getting there. we're getting there.
39:23sir Roderick here. yes if I can just squeeze past.
39:27uh no hold on hold on. can't have husband and wife sitting together.
39:30uh no that's right. I'll sit in the middle. uh yes and sir Roderick on that
39:33side and Lady Glossop on this side if you wouldn't mind.
39:36there we go.
39:40hold on we're back where we started now. uh mr. Worcester.
39:43hello? let us sit down. oh right yes. good idea yes.
39:51phew I'm warm out.
39:55lemon squash anyone? no thank you. no sir Roderick? thank you.
40:01I say that soup doesn't look at all bad does it?
40:09thank you sir.
40:14so sir Roderick this Ram Firmlin fellow does he get dressed up in yellow
40:18feathers and all that? I mean I know I would if I thought I was a canary.
40:22pretty poly. I mean I'm jolly interested in people who get the gym jams
40:28because well some of my best friends.
40:32do you keep a cat mr. Worcester? a cat? no.
40:36I had a distinct impression I heard a cat mewing either in this room or very
40:40close at hand. oh well it's probably a taxi or
40:43something in the street. a taxi mr. Worcester? yes well taxis squawk a bit
40:48don't they? squawk? yes like cats in a way. Lady Glossop
40:52and I have a particular horror of cats. oh well
40:55there you go then. I don't much like taxis.
41:00my husband had an unfortunate experience
41:03with a taxi only this afternoon. indeed I did.
41:06I was about to be driven to the Duke of Ram Firmlin's house or cage as I expect
41:10he likes to call it.
41:13anyway I was sitting innocently in my car when my hat was snatched from my
41:17head. as I looked back I perceived it being
41:20waved in a kind of feverish triumph from the interior of a taxi cab.
41:25what an extraordinary thing. must be some sort of practical joke I suppose.
41:30I confess I failed to detect anything akin to comedy in the outrage.
41:34the action was without question that of a mentally unbalanced subject.
41:39mr. Worcester what is the meaning of this?
41:43eh? there is a cat close at hand. it is not
41:46in the street. look I have not got a cat I tell you.
41:50all right I'll get Jeeves in here.
41:56I can't bear it. I simply can't bear it. no look it must be Jeeves.
42:01Jeeves? you called sir? were you making a noise like a cat?
42:07no sir. will that be all sir? no it will jolly well not be all Jeeves.
42:12are there any cats in the flat? only the three in your bedroom sir.
42:17what do you mean only the three in my bedroom? the black one sir.
42:20the tabby and the small lemon colored animal.
42:25no no no look I have not got a cat. I have never had a cat. I had a dog once
42:29called Melba. he used to sit so close to the fire.
42:31don't run away. no no.
42:35it's all right my dear. now stand back sir. stand back. I'm armed.
42:38I fancy sir that the animals might have become somewhat exhilarated as a result
42:42of discovering the fish in mr. Worcester's bedroom.
42:44fish in his bedroom? fish? be brave Delia.
42:48my coat sir. now look I'll prove it to you. I'll prove that there are no cats in
42:52my bedroom.
43:05your hat sir Roderick. yes I didn't have a hat.
43:09this is the hat that you snatched from my head.
43:13he stole your hat. back slowly towards the door Delia.
43:18don't make any sudden movements or do anything that might excite him.
43:21now look here. back sir. back you devil. back I say.
43:26I'll see if I can recover our umbrellas.
43:30I say those weren't my cats I saw legging it down the stairs were they?
43:43and what were they doing in my bedroom? your man Watson's name said it would be
43:47all right. oh he did did he? I was just coming to
43:50collect them. well they've dashed well gone.
43:53oh well can't be helped I suppose. what was it for? was that club was it? the
43:57searchers. seekers yes. I'll take the hat from the fish anyway.
44:01I'm afraid the cats have eaten the fish. they wouldn't eat a hat though.
44:06no the chap you pinched it from was dining here tonight. took it away with
44:08him. no cats no fish no hat.
44:13well sorry but there you are. well thank you.
44:17bye. goodbye. I say I hate to ask you. you couldn't lend me a tenner could you?
44:24a tenner? what for? the fact is I've got to pop round and bail Claude and Eustace
44:28out. they've been arrested. arrested? they got a bit above themselves I'm
44:31afraid. tried to pinch a bus. they expect me to provide 10 pounds to
44:36bail them out? they did rather yes. you do realize that the people who are
44:40dining here tonight were my prospective in-laws? no I didn't
44:43actually. congratulations. well because of you they've now got
44:46away from here believing me to be a certifiable lunatic
44:49and determined that I shall never marry their daughter.
44:57rightfully sorry. tell you what. why don't we make it 20 pounds. you can bait them
45:01out and buy them a drink before you pour them onto the train.
45:03I say that's jolly decent of you. no don't say a word. no really.
45:07I insist. thank you very much.
45:19this was all you're doing wasn't it James? sir? you worked the whole thing
45:36didn't you? with the glossoms. well if you'll pardon the liberties I doubt if
45:41the young lady would have been entirely suitable for you.
45:50and what a wheeze you knowing all about the glossops horror of muggies. I must say
45:54Jeeves you're a bit of a marvel. very good of you to say so sir.
46:01will that be all sir? ah yes thank you Jeeves yes. breakfast at the usual hour
46:07sir? yes thank you Jeeves. good night. good night sir.