First broadcast 28th September 2011.
Rhod Gilbert
Greg Davies
Lloyd Langford
Jo Whiley
Deborah Meaden
Craig Revel Horwood
Shaparak Khorsandi (as Shappi Khorsandi)
John Humphrys
Rhod Gilbert
Greg Davies
Lloyd Langford
Jo Whiley
Deborah Meaden
Craig Revel Horwood
Shaparak Khorsandi (as Shappi Khorsandi)
John Humphrys
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:00Tonight on Our Squad Gilbert, our special guest, R. He's not here to judge, it's great Reverend Hallward.
00:30And the lovely Shafiqo Sandy.
00:35They're here every week. Greg Davies.
00:40And Lloyd Langford.
00:43Ladies and gentlemen, ask Rod Gilbert.
00:51Hello, welcome, yes, my name is Rod Gilbert and tonight my job is to find the answers to the questions that keep us all awake at night.
00:57Questions like, why have trendy sandwich shops started offering me a no-bread sandwich?
01:04If I was so keen to avoid bread, I wouldn't have come in a bloody sandwich shop in the first place.
01:08Anyway, you can't have a sandwich without bread, it's just not a sandwich.
01:12Hey everyone, check out this no-bread egg mayonnaise sandwich.
01:19Check out this no-bread egg mayonnaise sandwich, Greg.
01:23Isn't that just a shed-load of egg mayonnaise, Rod, I hear you cry.
01:27Not at all, open your mind.
01:36You know what I think, trendy sandwich shop, I think what's happened is you've forgotten to order bread and now you're desperately trying to dress it up as a new idea.
01:43That's what, you're like someone on Dragon's Den who's forgotten to wear any trousers or pants and is now standing stark naked in front of the camera.
01:49That's what, you're like someone on Dragon's Den who's forgotten to wear any trousers or pants and is now standing stark naked in front of a horrified Deborah Meaden trying to convince her he's invented the world's first invisible Y-front.
01:59I like people who call a spade a spade, not people who call a spade a no-bread spade sandwich.
02:03So from now on, just tell us what's in it, not what's not, because the list of absent ingredients is endless.
02:07You might as well have a no-banjo sandwich or a no-Elton John socks panini.
02:12Nobody cares what's not in it, I'm not allergic to no peanuts.
02:17So I'll do you a deal, I'll have one of your no-bread sandwiches as long as you'll accept payment from my no-money wallet, because I'm afraid I'm skint.
02:24I'm skint, I'm broke, or as you'd probably say, I've got no bread.
02:36In a world full of ambiguity, we need someone with credibility to help us find the answers to our questions.
02:42So as always, we begin by asking, who is tonight's authenticator?
02:48She'll need all the acumen she shows on Dragon's Den, where she sits alongside Hilary Devay,
02:56Theophetus,
03:02and Duncan Bannatype.
03:12We were lucky to get her tonight, she's not out, she's in!
03:15Yes, tonight's authenticator is self-made mega-million-billion-trillionaire, Deborah Meaden!
03:35Deborah, thank you for coming on the show.
03:37Thank you for inviting me.
03:38Which one of those do you think was most accurate?
03:41I thought Duncan. For a minute there, I did a double-take.
03:45We were talking earlier, and I asked Lloyd if you'd ever invested in anything.
03:49Ever?
03:50Ever. I've never seen you invest on Dragon's Den. I'm a big fan of the show, I've watched every episode.
03:54Okay.
03:57I'm not believing that, because seven series, thirty investments, two million pounds. I'm just saying.
04:05Ha ha ha!
04:09Deborah, how are you going to help us tonight?
04:11Well, Ross, I'm going to be providing you and the panel with all the information you're going to need to answer the questions.
04:17Wonderful. When I think we have an answer, I will do this.
04:26That ooh somewhat detracts from your two million investment, doesn't it?
04:30It's basically just all the light coming on in a noise, that was it.
04:35Craig, have you learnt anything recently?
04:37Er, yes. I've learnt a lot of things. I had to pledge allegiance to the Queen, darling.
04:42I became a British citizen after twenty-two years. Thank goodness.
04:47They're off again. They're off again.
04:50See, there is nothing I don't know now about this country.
04:54Oh, have you had to do a citizenship test?
04:56Yes, life in the UK test.
04:58Oh!
04:59How many Sikhs there are to Jews, you know?
05:01What, an exchange rate?
05:04You need to know all these percentages, darling.
05:09You've done it, Safi as well.
05:10There was this one question, and it was, what is the heir to the throne called?
05:13A, the Prince of Britain, B, the Prince of Wales, or C, the artist formerly known as Prince?
05:20And that's true.
05:21I think Lloyd should have to do it.
05:22I failed.
05:25I genuinely did it, and I failed, because one of the questions said,
05:28where are Scouse and Geordie accents usually heard?
05:32And I put down, prisons.
05:42So, let's find out who wants to know what.
05:45Who have we got tonight?
05:48Rowan, er...
05:49Oh, hang on a minute.
05:50David Beckham is a friend of...
05:51Those of you who don't know, David Beckham is a friend of this show,
05:53and tends to write in quite a lot of questions.
05:57What do you want to know this week?
05:58Rod, my mum always said, if you don't like something, you should vote with your feet.
06:02But how do I get the pen to stay between my toes?
06:09Every week...
06:12Every week...
06:13David, David...
06:16What else? What's next?
06:17Oh, it's our first round of Famous Face Asks.
06:22It's John Humphrey.
06:28Hi, Rod. My question for you, nice easy one.
06:31Why do we cry?
06:37Why do we cry?
06:38Debra, can you see what you can find out on why do we cry?
06:40I'll have a look.
06:41While I ask our lovely panel...
06:42What are you, Shappie?
06:43Why do we cry?
06:44Why do we cry?
06:45Well, you know, when women cry, people always assume we're crying over a man.
06:50And my friend's father passed away, and I sat with her in a bar,
06:53and she was sobbing on my shoulder.
06:55And the waiter came along, bought her a free drink,
06:57and said, darling, he's not worth it.
07:04Not anymore, anyway.
07:08Are you a big crier, Craig?
07:10No, I'm not, as a matter of fact.
07:12Are you not?
07:13I enjoy watching other people cry.
07:15Oh, yeah, you're Mr. Nasty on Strictly, aren't you?
07:17Well, no, not just because of that.
07:19I think it's...
07:20Oh, it's a more general interest.
07:21Well, no.
07:23It's just a bizarre thing, isn't it?
07:25A bit of a curious schadenfreude pleasure.
07:27Yes.
07:29Debra, have you got anything for us?
07:31A little fact, a little snippet of information?
07:33Well, how about this?
07:34The convention of crying comes in three forms.
07:37So there are basal tears, the purely functional cleansing tears,
07:40such as removing dust from the eye.
07:42Then there are reflex tears,
07:44the automatic response to irritation from onions, tear gas,
07:47or a sharp blow to the nose.
07:49Then, finally, there are psychic tears,
07:51and those are the ones that come from emotion.
07:53Now, the thing is, right,
07:55what about the tears when you have been caught
07:58doing something really wrong,
08:00and the only way you can get out of it...
08:05Those are called women's tears.
08:10That's what girls do.
08:12That is what girls do.
08:13Those are crocodile tears, and that's different.
08:16Do you know why crocodile tears are called crocodile tears?
08:19Because they've got no eyelids.
08:25Crocodiles have got no eyelids?
08:27No eyelids and no emotions.
08:28They have. Crocodiles blink.
08:30Yeah, but they don't blink with their eyelids.
08:34It's like a special flap.
08:36Yes.
08:37Yeah.
08:40A special skinny flap.
08:42It's almost like a lid that comes down over the eyes.
08:46If only we could come up with a name for it.
08:48It's similar to an eyelid.
08:49If only we could find a name.
08:52Crocodile flap? No, that's...
08:54Oh, no, they've got no eyelashes to protect their eyes.
08:58Back to the point of why we cry, though.
09:00See, I cry at absolutely everything. Everything.
09:02I don't cry in real life at all, ever,
09:05except when I can switch the TV on,
09:07and any outpouring of any emotion,
09:10and I am tears streaming, everything. Everything.
09:13That's me. Absolutely the same.
09:15Never cry in real life, and sob my heart out over films, TV, and...
09:19What is it?
09:20What do you both mean, you never cry in real life?
09:22You climb into the television?
09:25I would never cry at something that happens to me
09:28or to anyone I know.
09:29If I could watch you get run over...
09:33I could be the one doing the running over.
09:36At no point would a tear come anywhere near my lacrimal gland,
09:40but if I went home after seeing you run over
09:43and switched on the TV in a film I'd never seen with characters I had no idea about,
09:46I'd be streaming tears.
09:47Why would you cry at me being killed?
09:49You couldn't run you over. Look at the size of you.
09:53The car would die.
09:55Can I rewind and say I'm not at all like you?
09:57All right, no. I lied about that bit,
09:59but no, I never cry at my own life,
10:01but I will totally at somebody else's.
10:03I cried when Ellie Simmons won gold in the Beijing Olympics,
10:07and at the end, when she won gold, she was crying,
10:10and I started crying as well.
10:12Mainly because I bet a lot of money on the...
10:21Gemma, are you any closer to getting to an answer?
10:24We've all been brought to tears by onions,
10:26but not to fear, there's a solution.
10:29What you need is the Onion Bully,
10:31the no-tear way to cut onions all day.
10:34Simply place it in your mouth and cut,
10:36chop or dice away without a single tear.
10:39Here's two women and two bags of onions.
10:41One's using the Onion Bully, one is not.
10:43Look, the woman without it is a crying disaster.
10:46The woman with the Onion Bully is tear-free and happy.
10:50APPLAUSE
10:55The obvious question off the back of that, Deborah,
10:58is would you invest in...
11:00I think that might be the shortest Dragonstone pitch ever,
11:03if that came on Dragonstone. Really, you'd kick it out?
11:06I love the fact that it said the tear-free way to chop onions all day.
11:11Like, you're only chopping onions all day
11:13if you're in a prisoner of war camp.
11:15Chopping onions all day.
11:17Some chefs might chop onions all day, wouldn't they?
11:19That's quite a limited menu.
11:23French onion soup.
11:29I've always wondered whether you can laugh and cry at the same time,
11:32and I wanted to try something out, Greg.
11:34Oh, right, we're going to do slam-egg mayonnaise in my face.
11:37No, I'm not, actually. I was going to do a very scientific experiment.
11:40So I want you to get on the table and get your shoes and socks off,
11:43and we're going to try and make you laugh and cry at the same time.
11:45Craig's going to be in charge of laughter, trying to make you laugh,
11:48and then at the other end, at the business end,
11:51we're going to try and make you cry.
11:54So, Craig has got a feather duster there,
11:56so he's in charge of making Greg laugh,
11:58so we can just see if that works.
12:00I genuinely...
12:05I actually genuinely hate this.
12:07Hold him down, Lloyd.
12:09Get those feet back out.
12:11Shappie, we need to start seeing if he can cry.
12:14That's it. Rub the onions in.
12:17Open your eyes!
12:19They're open!
12:21Shappie, is he crying?
12:23No, he's not.
12:25Pull out his nasal hair, there's tweezers there.
12:27LAUGHTER
12:31That's it, now...
12:40I'm so sorry!
12:42Is it working?
12:44Well up a little bit.
12:46He's welling up a little bit.
12:48Have a little look at this montage we've got to show you
12:50to see if this helps with the crying.
12:54Is that my dog?
12:58That's my dead dog.
13:08Check his eyes.
13:12Oh!
13:16Where did you get those from?
13:18Your mother.
13:22Is he crying? Check the glands.
13:24Hang on.
13:26Oh, poor Rex.
13:28I'm not being funny,
13:30but when you showed the Rex thing,
13:32I genuinely almost welled up a bit there.
13:34Your temperance glasses have come off!
13:36Oh, God!
13:38Can you cry and laugh at the same time?
13:40Um...
13:42No.
13:44Deborah, are we any closer to getting an answer?
13:46Can you help us?
13:48Well, Dr Vingerhertz,
13:50a lecturer at Tilburg University in the Netherlands,
13:52says that crying's main function
13:54is to communicate to others
13:56that one needs support and or comfort.
13:58When we feel emotion or, for example,
14:00sadness or joy,
14:02facial and respiratory muscles
14:04are stimulated and our tear glands produce tears.
14:06I'm going to take that as an answer.
14:08Oh!
14:10Yes!
14:12So...
14:14So, humans are most likely to cry
14:16to evoke help, comfort,
14:18sometimes maybe to reduce aggression,
14:20although there are other occasions on which we cry.
14:22Paul Gascoigne overcame with emotion in the World Cup,
14:24Kate Winslet overcame with emotion at the Oscars,
14:26and Lloyd overcome with emotion
14:28when he got little Lloyd trapped in a thresher.
14:30He only went in for a bottle of wine.
14:32That's the tragedy.
14:34I'm going to award that round to Lloyd.
14:39Who else has a question for us tonight?
14:41We've got Liam Gallagher...
14:43Oh, no, let's have a question from friend of the show,
14:45Kim Jong-il.
14:47Hi, Rod, why didn't no-one tell me
14:49they'd cancel Dressed Down Friday?
14:53God bless him.
14:55God bless old Kim Jong.
14:59Who else has a question for us tonight?
15:01Titchmarsh. Everyone knows Titchmarsh.
15:03What does he want to know?
15:05Rod, I hear there have been several Big Cat sightings in Wales.
15:07Why risk a holiday there?
15:09Well, I don't know.
15:11There have been a few Big Cat sightings recently,
15:13but people are always spotting stuff like this in Wales.
15:15It's always a false alarm.
15:17I remember a couple of years ago in Swansea
15:19somebody spotted a mermaid
15:21that turned out to be a woman carrying a fishcake.
15:25What have we got next?
15:27Ooh, it's our next round.
15:29The World Asks.
15:31Let's see who we've got from around the world.
15:33Oh, it's a hula girl.
15:35I'm sitting here in the wonderful north shore of Hawaii.
15:37Things are really beautiful here in Paradise,
15:39but one thing is really troubling me.
15:41Could you tell me,
15:43can animals be evil?
15:49Can animals be evil?
15:51Deborah, can you see what you can find out?
15:53Can animals be evil?
15:55My mum swears that there was a wood pigeon
15:57in a tree outside her bedroom
15:59that tried to split her and my dad up.
16:06What? Intentionally tried to...?
16:08She said she was lying in bed
16:10and, you know, wood pigeons go...
16:15And she listened very carefully.
16:17She said it just suddenly started to come into her brain.
16:19She realised that the pigeon was going,
16:21you should leave him.
16:25You should leave him.
16:27And she spent about an hour saying,
16:29imagine this, am I going mad?
16:31But by the end of it she said it was very clear
16:33that that pigeon was saying, you should leave him.
16:37I think subconsciously she probably wanted to leave him.
16:39It sounds a little bit like when George Bush said,
16:41God told me to do it.
16:43She didn't leave him, though.
16:45She didn't take the pigeon's advice.
16:47They're very happy.
16:49Can animals be evil, Craig?
16:51Yes.
16:53They can.
16:55Based on...?
16:57I was fucked off a horse once.
16:59What?
17:03What the fuck?
17:05That sounds like quite a party, Craig.
17:11What did you say, Craig?
17:13I was bucked off a horse.
17:17Everyone relax.
17:19And I was walking across
17:21a zebra crossing in Paris.
17:23Right.
17:25And I was attacked by this horrendous,
17:27garrsive little,
17:29Polish-French dog.
17:31A poodle?
17:33No, it was a chihuahua.
17:35A woman had it on a lead
17:37and was pulling it this way
17:39but it was completely and absolutely
17:41attached to my ankle.
17:43She was trying to yank a chihuahua off you?
17:45I had to go to the hospital.
17:47No one cares.
17:51No one cares because it's the campest attack story
17:53I've ever heard in my life.
17:55You were attacked by a chihuahua in Paris.
17:57That can only be camper
17:59if you're on your way to the Sex and the City premiere,
18:01to be honest.
18:03That's the campest story.
18:05Has anybody else been attacked by a chihuahua?
18:07In gay Paris.
18:11Deborah, have you got
18:13any facts for us?
18:15Well, dolphins and other aquatic mammals
18:17were trained by Russian experts
18:19to attack warships
18:21and enemy frogmen with harpoons
18:23attached to their backs
18:25to attract them to the surface
18:27to be taken into captivity.
18:29They could also undertake kamikaze strikes
18:31against enemy ships.
18:33I was going to say dolphins.
18:35Dolphins are evil little buggers, aren't they, Craig?
18:37They are. My friend Clifford, actually,
18:39was telling me a story last week.
18:41What did Clifford have to say?
18:45He was seriously
18:47attacked by a dolphin.
18:49This dolphin grabbed him.
18:51In Paris?
18:53I don't recall.
18:55I was saying the Follies Bergers.
18:57A dolphin in Paris.
18:59No, but it was trying to fornicate with him.
19:01What?
19:03I'm not joking.
19:05For half an hour.
19:07Clifford, he could have got up and left.
19:09He's six foot four.
19:11He's immobile, is he?
19:13He can't move.
19:15Lloyd does raise a good point.
19:17Why didn't he move?
19:19After about half an hour, he couldn't get away.
19:21Deborah, go on.
19:23Well, I found something.
19:25I found a VT that backs up the dolphin debate
19:27because dolphins always seem to be good natured,
19:29but take a look at this.
19:37Oh, Lord!
19:39See?
19:47Is that Clifford?
19:49Now I totally believe him.
19:51I totally believe him.
19:55You were right.
19:57I am shocked.
19:59That is the most sinister episode of Flipper I've ever seen.
20:01What's that, Flip?
20:03You've sexually assaulted someone.
20:05Deborah, have you got any more facts for us?
20:07Well, by the time the Black Death
20:09had finished in the 17th century,
20:11rats and their fleas,
20:13carrying a bacterial infection,
20:15had killed over 20 million people.
20:17Rats know they're doing it.
20:19Rats know they're doing it. Rats are evil.
20:21The rats weren't evil. It was the fleas.
20:23The rats were just logistics.
20:25They're just transport for the fleas.
20:27The rats were.
20:29Did you know you're never more than 15 inches
20:31from a rat in London?
20:3315 inches if you're in a pet shop.
20:35I think you're right, Lloyd.
20:37I think it's further, isn't it?
20:39Isn't it feet or something?
20:41Well, it's obviously not 15 inches.
20:43There is. They're under the floorboards
20:45and it's far.
20:47Listen. All right. All right. An experiment.
20:49Can anybody see a rat?
20:51We're not in London.
20:53It's three inches from a rat in Glasgow.
21:03So we have someone on the line
21:05who can give us an answer.
21:07It's David Ryan, a clinical animal behaviourist.
21:09David, are you there?
21:11Yes, I am.
21:13Have you seen your Gravel Hallwards friend Clifford
21:15being molested by a dolphin?
21:17I think Clifford probably should have left earlier.
21:27Animals, can they be evil?
21:29No, animals can't be evil.
21:31Why not?
21:33To be properly evil, you've got to be aware
21:35that your actions are considered evil.
21:37But some animals just clearly look evil, don't they?
21:39It's more about our human perception
21:41of what looks evil
21:43than the animal's own perception.
21:45No, I think if you ask a gazelle,
21:47he'd agree with what the crocodile looks like.
21:49No, the crocodile of the opposite sex
21:51might think you look quite nice.
21:53Ah.
21:55Or even a same-sex crocodile, David.
21:59It's a 21st century crocodile lifestyle choice.
22:03Sorry, the answer is definitively
22:05animals definitely cannot be evil.
22:07No, animals can't be evil.
22:09I take that as an answer, David.
22:11Thank you very much for joining us.
22:13Thank you.
22:21I'm going to award that round to Craig.
22:27Next up, it's my quickfire round.
22:29The Audience Asks.
22:31I'm going to try and get through as many questions as I can
22:33before we hear this noise.
22:35For that reason, I'm out.
22:39We won't bother with the answer button.
22:41There's no time for that.
22:43I am just going to use this bell for this round.
22:45Quickfire.
22:47Right.
22:49Who have we got?
22:51Nadia Miller. Where are you, Nadia?
22:53Nadia, quick, what's your question?
22:55Hi, why do ghosts say, ooh?
22:57What?
22:59They go like this.
23:01Ooh.
23:03No, no.
23:05They go, ooh.
23:07What the hell?
23:09That's what they do.
23:11It's the wind, it's the wind, it's the wind.
23:13What do you mean, it's the wind?
23:15It's the wind whistling through, you know,
23:17the houses and the corridors.
23:19That's it. It's a quickfire round.
23:21That'll have to do. We think it's the wind.
23:23Next, hang on a minute. Who are you?
23:25Margaret Lennon. Where are you?
23:27Here.
23:29Hello.
23:31Hi, why does the sound of a fire engine change
23:33when it goes past you?
23:35Do you not notice that as they get nearer to you,
23:37all noises get louder?
23:39What do you want about?
23:41Well, the siren, when it's coming towards you,
23:43it sounds high, and then when it goes past you,
23:45it sounds lower.
23:47It's called the Doppler effect.
23:49Ooh.
23:51Oh, my God.
23:53There's a load of ghosts.
23:57What's the Doppler effect like?
23:59Sound waves change shape
24:01the further they get away from their source.
24:03It's the Doppler effect, says Lloyd.
24:05That'll have to do.
24:07Martin Godfrey. Where are you, Martin Godfrey?
24:09Martin, what's your question?
24:11Are sheep still the best animals to kill?
24:13Don't you dare, Martin.
24:15Joanne Fuller, where are you?
24:17Hello, Joanne, what's your question?
24:19Quick.
24:21Lloyd, what does the future hold for Britain?
24:25Joanne, it's a quickfire round.
24:27I think we should ask Craig,
24:29because he's the most recent Briton.
24:31Oh, yes.
24:33What does the future hold for Britain, Craig?
24:35Nothing.
24:37Jean Jackson, are you there?
24:39Where are you, Jean? Hello.
24:41Hi, Rod. I'm a huge Donny Osmond fan.
24:43Sit down.
24:47Michelle Murphy, where are you?
24:51Why are blondes supposed to have more fun than brunettes?
24:53Cos they're tops!
24:55Cos they're tops!
25:03We are out of time.
25:09We are out of time,
25:11but I think we got through quite a lot there.
25:15I am going to award that round to Lloyd
25:17for his stunning thingy of the Doppler effect.
25:19Lloyd, congratulations.
25:25Well, we've got through nearly all the questions for this week,
25:27but there's time for one more.
25:29It is our special guest asks round.
25:33Craig, do you have a question for us?
25:35I do indeed.
25:37Will we ever be able to run
25:39100 metres in five seconds?
25:41The reason I'm asking this,
25:43cos I used to run at school,
25:45and I can't believe that people can run
25:479.5 or thereabouts,
25:49so why can't they do it in five?
25:51Surely we should be wanting them to take longer.
25:53As a spectacle of value for money,
25:55you queue up all day, you wait for an event
25:57and it's over in 9.5 seconds.
25:59Would you sleep outside Wimbledon
26:01if the final was going to be 9.5 seconds
26:03long the next day?
26:05No.
26:07Admittedly, if it was Murray, that means it's gone to a tie-break.
26:11I think it would be much more interesting
26:13if each one of them
26:15had a French Chihuahua attached to their arm.
26:19Have you got any facts for us, Debra?
26:21Well, the first recorded 100 metre world record
26:23was held by Donald Lippincolt
26:25in July 8th, 1912
26:27with a time of 10.6
26:29and the current record is now
26:319.58 seconds.
26:33So they've lopped a second off it?
26:35Which was run by Usain Bolt.
26:37If the person who came last in every race
26:39was killed,
26:41we would shave
26:43more than one second off in the next 100 metres.
26:45He's got a point.
26:47Execute the last place person.
26:49If it's survival of the fittest
26:51then you just take the slowest out of the whole...
26:53Exactly.
26:55I've got a grisly death planned as well.
26:57I'm going to put a small paddling pool
26:59with a very aggressive dolphin in it.
27:03You know with greyhounds,
27:05they all get a rabbit that goes down
27:07and they all chase the rabbit to incentivise them.
27:09Why don't they do that in the Olympics with runners?
27:11What would you incentivise them with?
27:13A meal, food.
27:15Are you suggesting that a 100 metre specialist,
27:17is only giving 99%
27:19and all they need to tip them over the edge
27:21into super fast running is a bloody curry?
27:25I think Greg's idea,
27:27you kill the last one.
27:29Then you could combine both.
27:31After the gun goes off,
27:33they let a Bengali tiger out of a cage.
27:37Can I pitch my invention to Deborah now?
27:39Oh, is that the time?
27:41This is a genuine pitch, right?
27:43I've just drawn the drawing of it.
27:45I was drawing it on the sofa,
27:47watching telly, like this.
27:49Dragons' Den?
27:51Yeah, watching Dragons' Den.
27:53And I thought, I fancy a lovely drink now.
27:55And I reached down and I grabbed my glass.
27:57And I realised there was absolutely no way
27:59I could drink it without spilling it all over myself.
28:01Or without losing weight.
28:03Or without...
28:07So I thought, I've invented this.
28:09Oh dear.
28:11Horizontal glass.
28:15It's like a glass
28:17with a little valve in it.
28:19So you don't have to move your neck at all.
28:21You can just pop it on your chest.
28:23And when you fancy a little drink...
28:25And if you like a hot drink, Deborah,
28:27I've invented horizontal flask.
28:31Can I say, I think it's an absolutely brilliant,
28:33brilliant idea.
28:35And I would invest all of my money in it,
28:37but there's a but.
28:39What's the but?
28:41You've now put it in the public domain
28:43I have, but maybe I've already patented it.
28:45But you haven't, have you?
28:47Because is that what you put in at the patent?
28:55Have you got a fact for us, Deborah?
28:57I have.
28:59One theory suggests that due to new training opportunities,
29:01women will be faster than men in the future.
29:03Rubbish.
29:07Women will never be faster than men.
29:09According to TALA,
29:11a research group at Oxford University,
29:13if current trends continue,
29:15the winning women's 100m sprint time
29:17at the 2156 Olympics
29:19will be 8.079 seconds.
29:25Women will be running the 100m in 8 seconds in 2156?
29:27Yes.
29:29How many years is that?
29:31Incredibly pretty female athlete called Dave.
29:37Greg, can you think of a way that we could find out
29:39if we could run 100m in 5 seconds in the future?
29:41I think there's always a way of finding
29:43a definitive answer to a question, Rod.
29:49But sometimes, sometimes you have to get scientific.
29:51Sometimes you have to go to the lab.
29:59Oh, hello, welcome to the lab,
30:01where myself and
30:03Professor Lloyd Langford
30:05Hello there, Dr Davies
30:07will be conducting
30:09a highly scientific experiment
30:11to see if it is possible to make a human being faster.
30:13What we want for this experiment
30:15is a highly, highly trained athlete,
30:17someone at the peak of physical condition,
30:19so that we can see if it's possible
30:21to speed them up
30:23using scientific methods.
30:25So please welcome
30:27Rola Pladcliffe.
30:37Rola will now start
30:39at a steady pace.
30:41Now,
30:43on with the experiment.
30:45Professor Langford,
30:47what will be the first method we will attempt
30:49to speed Rola Pladcliffe up with?
30:51I think aesthetically,
30:53Rola could benefit
30:55from some Go Faster stripes.
30:57Please.
30:59Lovely.
31:09Excellent work.
31:13How do you wait, Lloyd?
31:15You've got to get it when you get home!
31:17My nipples are coming down!
31:19One of the things that makes someone run faster
31:21is seeing the colour red,
31:23so let's try that.
31:25Run faster!
31:27Not working.
31:29Obviously that particular red
31:31is not vivid enough for Rola.
31:39There seems to be some sort
31:41of speeding up,
31:43but I think Rola's beginning to flag.
31:45She obviously needs some sort of protein.
31:47Perhaps some lovely beans,
31:49Professor Langford?
31:57Oh, my God!
32:01Doing very well, Rola.
32:03This isn't very scientific!
32:07This is not scientific!
32:09I've just checked the gauge.
32:11We've hardly achieved any speeding up whatsoever,
32:13so I'm going to have to go to some fairly extreme methods
32:15at this point.
32:17We're in touch with a German scientist.
32:19I just need to set this up properly
32:21before we bring our guest on.
32:23Some lovely sausages there.
32:25Perhaps now we can bring on
32:27our German counterpart
32:29to see if we can speed Rola up a little bit.
32:51Hurry up! Hurry up!
32:55He says that humans, through genetic engineering,
32:57would soon have the ability
32:59to modify and greatly enhance
33:01muscle fibre strength.
33:03That's an answer!
33:17I'm going to hold that hand to me,
33:19because look at the state of me.
33:25Well, that's pretty much it for tonight.
33:27So, people of Britain,
33:29if you've got a question,
33:31you can tweet
33:33hashtag Ask Rod on Twitter.
33:35But for tonight,
33:37it's thanks to Craig Revel Horwood,
33:39Shafi Postandi,
33:41Craig Davison,
33:43Lloyd Langford,
33:45and, of course,
33:47our authenticator,
33:49Deborah Meaden.
33:51I'm Rod Gilbert,
33:53and you can ask me literally anything.
33:55Goodnight.
34:23Thank you.