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First broadcast 28th September 2011.

Rhod Gilbert

Greg Davies
Lloyd Langford
Jo Whiley

Deborah Meaden
Craig Revel Horwood
Shaparak Khorsandi (as Shappi Khorsandi)
John Humphrys

Category

📺
TV
Transcript
00:00Tonight on Our Squad Gilbert, our special guest, R. He's not here to judge, it's great Reverend Hallward.
00:30And the lovely Shafiqo Sandy.
00:35They're here every week. Greg Davies.
00:40And Lloyd Langford.
00:43Ladies and gentlemen, ask Rod Gilbert.
00:51Hello, welcome, yes, my name is Rod Gilbert and tonight my job is to find the answers to the questions that keep us all awake at night.
00:57Questions like, why have trendy sandwich shops started offering me a no-bread sandwich?
01:04If I was so keen to avoid bread, I wouldn't have come in a bloody sandwich shop in the first place.
01:08Anyway, you can't have a sandwich without bread, it's just not a sandwich.
01:12Hey everyone, check out this no-bread egg mayonnaise sandwich.
01:19Check out this no-bread egg mayonnaise sandwich, Greg.
01:23Isn't that just a shed-load of egg mayonnaise, Rod, I hear you cry.
01:27Not at all, open your mind.
01:36You know what I think, trendy sandwich shop, I think what's happened is you've forgotten to order bread and now you're desperately trying to dress it up as a new idea.
01:43That's what, you're like someone on Dragon's Den who's forgotten to wear any trousers or pants and is now standing stark naked in front of the camera.
01:49That's what, you're like someone on Dragon's Den who's forgotten to wear any trousers or pants and is now standing stark naked in front of a horrified Deborah Meaden trying to convince her he's invented the world's first invisible Y-front.
01:59I like people who call a spade a spade, not people who call a spade a no-bread spade sandwich.
02:03So from now on, just tell us what's in it, not what's not, because the list of absent ingredients is endless.
02:07You might as well have a no-banjo sandwich or a no-Elton John socks panini.
02:12Nobody cares what's not in it, I'm not allergic to no peanuts.
02:17So I'll do you a deal, I'll have one of your no-bread sandwiches as long as you'll accept payment from my no-money wallet, because I'm afraid I'm skint.
02:24I'm skint, I'm broke, or as you'd probably say, I've got no bread.
02:36In a world full of ambiguity, we need someone with credibility to help us find the answers to our questions.
02:42So as always, we begin by asking, who is tonight's authenticator?
02:48She'll need all the acumen she shows on Dragon's Den, where she sits alongside Hilary Devay,
02:56Theophetus,
03:02and Duncan Bannatype.
03:12We were lucky to get her tonight, she's not out, she's in!
03:15Yes, tonight's authenticator is self-made mega-million-billion-trillionaire, Deborah Meaden!
03:35Deborah, thank you for coming on the show.
03:37Thank you for inviting me.
03:38Which one of those do you think was most accurate?
03:41I thought Duncan. For a minute there, I did a double-take.
03:45We were talking earlier, and I asked Lloyd if you'd ever invested in anything.
03:49Ever?
03:50Ever. I've never seen you invest on Dragon's Den. I'm a big fan of the show, I've watched every episode.
03:54Okay.
03:57I'm not believing that, because seven series, thirty investments, two million pounds. I'm just saying.
04:05Ha ha ha!
04:09Deborah, how are you going to help us tonight?
04:11Well, Ross, I'm going to be providing you and the panel with all the information you're going to need to answer the questions.
04:17Wonderful. When I think we have an answer, I will do this.
04:26That ooh somewhat detracts from your two million investment, doesn't it?
04:30It's basically just all the light coming on in a noise, that was it.
04:35Craig, have you learnt anything recently?
04:37Er, yes. I've learnt a lot of things. I had to pledge allegiance to the Queen, darling.
04:42I became a British citizen after twenty-two years. Thank goodness.
04:47They're off again. They're off again.
04:50See, there is nothing I don't know now about this country.
04:54Oh, have you had to do a citizenship test?
04:56Yes, life in the UK test.
04:58Oh!
04:59How many Sikhs there are to Jews, you know?
05:01What, an exchange rate?
05:04You need to know all these percentages, darling.
05:09You've done it, Safi as well.
05:10There was this one question, and it was, what is the heir to the throne called?
05:13A, the Prince of Britain, B, the Prince of Wales, or C, the artist formerly known as Prince?
05:20And that's true.
05:21I think Lloyd should have to do it.
05:22I failed.
05:25I genuinely did it, and I failed, because one of the questions said,
05:28where are Scouse and Geordie accents usually heard?
05:32And I put down, prisons.
05:42So, let's find out who wants to know what.
05:45Who have we got tonight?
05:48Rowan, er...
05:49Oh, hang on a minute.
05:50David Beckham is a friend of...
05:51Those of you who don't know, David Beckham is a friend of this show,
05:53and tends to write in quite a lot of questions.
05:57What do you want to know this week?
05:58Rod, my mum always said, if you don't like something, you should vote with your feet.
06:02But how do I get the pen to stay between my toes?
06:09Every week...
06:12Every week...
06:13David, David...
06:16What else? What's next?
06:17Oh, it's our first round of Famous Face Asks.
06:22It's John Humphrey.
06:28Hi, Rod. My question for you, nice easy one.
06:31Why do we cry?
06:37Why do we cry?
06:38Debra, can you see what you can find out on why do we cry?
06:40I'll have a look.
06:41While I ask our lovely panel...
06:42What are you, Shappie?
06:43Why do we cry?
06:44Why do we cry?
06:45Well, you know, when women cry, people always assume we're crying over a man.
06:50And my friend's father passed away, and I sat with her in a bar,
06:53and she was sobbing on my shoulder.
06:55And the waiter came along, bought her a free drink,
06:57and said, darling, he's not worth it.
07:04Not anymore, anyway.
07:08Are you a big crier, Craig?
07:10No, I'm not, as a matter of fact.
07:12Are you not?
07:13I enjoy watching other people cry.
07:15Oh, yeah, you're Mr. Nasty on Strictly, aren't you?
07:17Well, no, not just because of that.
07:19I think it's...
07:20Oh, it's a more general interest.
07:21Well, no.
07:23It's just a bizarre thing, isn't it?
07:25A bit of a curious schadenfreude pleasure.
07:27Yes.
07:29Debra, have you got anything for us?
07:31A little fact, a little snippet of information?
07:33Well, how about this?
07:34The convention of crying comes in three forms.
07:37So there are basal tears, the purely functional cleansing tears,
07:40such as removing dust from the eye.
07:42Then there are reflex tears,
07:44the automatic response to irritation from onions, tear gas,
07:47or a sharp blow to the nose.
07:49Then, finally, there are psychic tears,
07:51and those are the ones that come from emotion.
07:53Now, the thing is, right,
07:55what about the tears when you have been caught
07:58doing something really wrong,
08:00and the only way you can get out of it...
08:05Those are called women's tears.
08:10That's what girls do.
08:12That is what girls do.
08:13Those are crocodile tears, and that's different.
08:16Do you know why crocodile tears are called crocodile tears?
08:19Because they've got no eyelids.
08:25Crocodiles have got no eyelids?
08:27No eyelids and no emotions.
08:28They have. Crocodiles blink.
08:30Yeah, but they don't blink with their eyelids.
08:34It's like a special flap.
08:36Yes.
08:37Yeah.
08:40A special skinny flap.
08:42It's almost like a lid that comes down over the eyes.
08:46If only we could come up with a name for it.
08:48It's similar to an eyelid.
08:49If only we could find a name.
08:52Crocodile flap? No, that's...
08:54Oh, no, they've got no eyelashes to protect their eyes.
08:58Back to the point of why we cry, though.
09:00See, I cry at absolutely everything. Everything.
09:02I don't cry in real life at all, ever,
09:05except when I can switch the TV on,
09:07and any outpouring of any emotion,
09:10and I am tears streaming, everything. Everything.
09:13That's me. Absolutely the same.
09:15Never cry in real life, and sob my heart out over films, TV, and...
09:19What is it?
09:20What do you both mean, you never cry in real life?
09:22You climb into the television?
09:25I would never cry at something that happens to me
09:28or to anyone I know.
09:29If I could watch you get run over...
09:33I could be the one doing the running over.
09:36At no point would a tear come anywhere near my lacrimal gland,
09:40but if I went home after seeing you run over
09:43and switched on the TV in a film I'd never seen with characters I had no idea about,
09:46I'd be streaming tears.
09:47Why would you cry at me being killed?
09:49You couldn't run you over. Look at the size of you.
09:53The car would die.
09:55Can I rewind and say I'm not at all like you?
09:57All right, no. I lied about that bit,
09:59but no, I never cry at my own life,
10:01but I will totally at somebody else's.
10:03I cried when Ellie Simmons won gold in the Beijing Olympics,
10:07and at the end, when she won gold, she was crying,
10:10and I started crying as well.
10:12Mainly because I bet a lot of money on the...
10:21Gemma, are you any closer to getting to an answer?
10:24We've all been brought to tears by onions,
10:26but not to fear, there's a solution.
10:29What you need is the Onion Bully,
10:31the no-tear way to cut onions all day.
10:34Simply place it in your mouth and cut,
10:36chop or dice away without a single tear.
10:39Here's two women and two bags of onions.
10:41One's using the Onion Bully, one is not.
10:43Look, the woman without it is a crying disaster.
10:46The woman with the Onion Bully is tear-free and happy.
10:50APPLAUSE
10:55The obvious question off the back of that, Deborah,
10:58is would you invest in...
11:00I think that might be the shortest Dragonstone pitch ever,
11:03if that came on Dragonstone. Really, you'd kick it out?
11:06I love the fact that it said the tear-free way to chop onions all day.
11:11Like, you're only chopping onions all day
11:13if you're in a prisoner of war camp.
11:15Chopping onions all day.
11:17Some chefs might chop onions all day, wouldn't they?
11:19That's quite a limited menu.
11:23French onion soup.
11:29I've always wondered whether you can laugh and cry at the same time,
11:32and I wanted to try something out, Greg.
11:34Oh, right, we're going to do slam-egg mayonnaise in my face.
11:37No, I'm not, actually. I was going to do a very scientific experiment.
11:40So I want you to get on the table and get your shoes and socks off,
11:43and we're going to try and make you laugh and cry at the same time.
11:45Craig's going to be in charge of laughter, trying to make you laugh,
11:48and then at the other end, at the business end,
11:51we're going to try and make you cry.
11:54So, Craig has got a feather duster there,
11:56so he's in charge of making Greg laugh,
11:58so we can just see if that works.
12:00I genuinely...
12:05I actually genuinely hate this.
12:07Hold him down, Lloyd.
12:09Get those feet back out.
12:11Shappie, we need to start seeing if he can cry.
12:14That's it. Rub the onions in.
12:17Open your eyes!
12:19They're open!
12:21Shappie, is he crying?
12:23No, he's not.
12:25Pull out his nasal hair, there's tweezers there.
12:27LAUGHTER
12:31That's it, now...
12:40I'm so sorry!
12:42Is it working?
12:44Well up a little bit.
12:46He's welling up a little bit.
12:48Have a little look at this montage we've got to show you
12:50to see if this helps with the crying.
12:54Is that my dog?
12:58That's my dead dog.
13:08Check his eyes.
13:12Oh!
13:16Where did you get those from?
13:18Your mother.
13:22Is he crying? Check the glands.
13:24Hang on.
13:26Oh, poor Rex.
13:28I'm not being funny,
13:30but when you showed the Rex thing,
13:32I genuinely almost welled up a bit there.
13:34Your temperance glasses have come off!
13:36Oh, God!
13:38Can you cry and laugh at the same time?
13:40Um...
13:42No.
13:44Deborah, are we any closer to getting an answer?
13:46Can you help us?
13:48Well, Dr Vingerhertz,
13:50a lecturer at Tilburg University in the Netherlands,
13:52says that crying's main function
13:54is to communicate to others
13:56that one needs support and or comfort.
13:58When we feel emotion or, for example,
14:00sadness or joy,
14:02facial and respiratory muscles
14:04are stimulated and our tear glands produce tears.
14:06I'm going to take that as an answer.
14:08Oh!
14:10Yes!
14:12So...
14:14So, humans are most likely to cry
14:16to evoke help, comfort,
14:18sometimes maybe to reduce aggression,
14:20although there are other occasions on which we cry.
14:22Paul Gascoigne overcame with emotion in the World Cup,
14:24Kate Winslet overcame with emotion at the Oscars,
14:26and Lloyd overcome with emotion
14:28when he got little Lloyd trapped in a thresher.
14:30He only went in for a bottle of wine.
14:32That's the tragedy.
14:34I'm going to award that round to Lloyd.
14:39Who else has a question for us tonight?
14:41We've got Liam Gallagher...
14:43Oh, no, let's have a question from friend of the show,
14:45Kim Jong-il.
14:47Hi, Rod, why didn't no-one tell me
14:49they'd cancel Dressed Down Friday?
14:53God bless him.
14:55God bless old Kim Jong.
14:59Who else has a question for us tonight?
15:01Titchmarsh. Everyone knows Titchmarsh.
15:03What does he want to know?
15:05Rod, I hear there have been several Big Cat sightings in Wales.
15:07Why risk a holiday there?
15:09Well, I don't know.
15:11There have been a few Big Cat sightings recently,
15:13but people are always spotting stuff like this in Wales.
15:15It's always a false alarm.
15:17I remember a couple of years ago in Swansea
15:19somebody spotted a mermaid
15:21that turned out to be a woman carrying a fishcake.
15:25What have we got next?
15:27Ooh, it's our next round.
15:29The World Asks.
15:31Let's see who we've got from around the world.
15:33Oh, it's a hula girl.
15:35I'm sitting here in the wonderful north shore of Hawaii.
15:37Things are really beautiful here in Paradise,
15:39but one thing is really troubling me.
15:41Could you tell me,
15:43can animals be evil?
15:49Can animals be evil?
15:51Deborah, can you see what you can find out?
15:53Can animals be evil?
15:55My mum swears that there was a wood pigeon
15:57in a tree outside her bedroom
15:59that tried to split her and my dad up.
16:06What? Intentionally tried to...?
16:08She said she was lying in bed
16:10and, you know, wood pigeons go...
16:15And she listened very carefully.
16:17She said it just suddenly started to come into her brain.
16:19She realised that the pigeon was going,
16:21you should leave him.
16:25You should leave him.
16:27And she spent about an hour saying,
16:29imagine this, am I going mad?
16:31But by the end of it she said it was very clear
16:33that that pigeon was saying, you should leave him.
16:37I think subconsciously she probably wanted to leave him.
16:39It sounds a little bit like when George Bush said,
16:41God told me to do it.
16:43She didn't leave him, though.
16:45She didn't take the pigeon's advice.
16:47They're very happy.
16:49Can animals be evil, Craig?
16:51Yes.
16:53They can.
16:55Based on...?
16:57I was fucked off a horse once.
16:59What?
17:03What the fuck?
17:05That sounds like quite a party, Craig.
17:11What did you say, Craig?
17:13I was bucked off a horse.
17:17Everyone relax.
17:19And I was walking across
17:21a zebra crossing in Paris.
17:23Right.
17:25And I was attacked by this horrendous,
17:27garrsive little,
17:29Polish-French dog.
17:31A poodle?
17:33No, it was a chihuahua.
17:35A woman had it on a lead
17:37and was pulling it this way
17:39but it was completely and absolutely
17:41attached to my ankle.
17:43She was trying to yank a chihuahua off you?
17:45I had to go to the hospital.
17:47No one cares.
17:51No one cares because it's the campest attack story
17:53I've ever heard in my life.
17:55You were attacked by a chihuahua in Paris.
17:57That can only be camper
17:59if you're on your way to the Sex and the City premiere,
18:01to be honest.
18:03That's the campest story.
18:05Has anybody else been attacked by a chihuahua?
18:07In gay Paris.
18:11Deborah, have you got
18:13any facts for us?
18:15Well, dolphins and other aquatic mammals
18:17were trained by Russian experts
18:19to attack warships
18:21and enemy frogmen with harpoons
18:23attached to their backs
18:25to attract them to the surface
18:27to be taken into captivity.
18:29They could also undertake kamikaze strikes
18:31against enemy ships.
18:33I was going to say dolphins.
18:35Dolphins are evil little buggers, aren't they, Craig?
18:37They are. My friend Clifford, actually,
18:39was telling me a story last week.
18:41What did Clifford have to say?
18:45He was seriously
18:47attacked by a dolphin.
18:49This dolphin grabbed him.
18:51In Paris?
18:53I don't recall.
18:55I was saying the Follies Bergers.
18:57A dolphin in Paris.
18:59No, but it was trying to fornicate with him.
19:01What?
19:03I'm not joking.
19:05For half an hour.
19:07Clifford, he could have got up and left.
19:09He's six foot four.
19:11He's immobile, is he?
19:13He can't move.
19:15Lloyd does raise a good point.
19:17Why didn't he move?
19:19After about half an hour, he couldn't get away.
19:21Deborah, go on.
19:23Well, I found something.
19:25I found a VT that backs up the dolphin debate
19:27because dolphins always seem to be good natured,
19:29but take a look at this.
19:37Oh, Lord!
19:39See?
19:47Is that Clifford?
19:49Now I totally believe him.
19:51I totally believe him.
19:55You were right.
19:57I am shocked.
19:59That is the most sinister episode of Flipper I've ever seen.
20:01What's that, Flip?
20:03You've sexually assaulted someone.
20:05Deborah, have you got any more facts for us?
20:07Well, by the time the Black Death
20:09had finished in the 17th century,
20:11rats and their fleas,
20:13carrying a bacterial infection,
20:15had killed over 20 million people.
20:17Rats know they're doing it.
20:19Rats know they're doing it. Rats are evil.
20:21The rats weren't evil. It was the fleas.
20:23The rats were just logistics.
20:25They're just transport for the fleas.
20:27The rats were.
20:29Did you know you're never more than 15 inches
20:31from a rat in London?
20:3315 inches if you're in a pet shop.
20:35I think you're right, Lloyd.
20:37I think it's further, isn't it?
20:39Isn't it feet or something?
20:41Well, it's obviously not 15 inches.
20:43There is. They're under the floorboards
20:45and it's far.
20:47Listen. All right. All right. An experiment.
20:49Can anybody see a rat?
20:51We're not in London.
20:53It's three inches from a rat in Glasgow.
21:03So we have someone on the line
21:05who can give us an answer.
21:07It's David Ryan, a clinical animal behaviourist.
21:09David, are you there?
21:11Yes, I am.
21:13Have you seen your Gravel Hallwards friend Clifford
21:15being molested by a dolphin?
21:17I think Clifford probably should have left earlier.
21:27Animals, can they be evil?
21:29No, animals can't be evil.
21:31Why not?
21:33To be properly evil, you've got to be aware
21:35that your actions are considered evil.
21:37But some animals just clearly look evil, don't they?
21:39It's more about our human perception
21:41of what looks evil
21:43than the animal's own perception.
21:45No, I think if you ask a gazelle,
21:47he'd agree with what the crocodile looks like.
21:49No, the crocodile of the opposite sex
21:51might think you look quite nice.
21:53Ah.
21:55Or even a same-sex crocodile, David.
21:59It's a 21st century crocodile lifestyle choice.
22:03Sorry, the answer is definitively
22:05animals definitely cannot be evil.
22:07No, animals can't be evil.
22:09I take that as an answer, David.
22:11Thank you very much for joining us.
22:13Thank you.
22:21I'm going to award that round to Craig.
22:27Next up, it's my quickfire round.
22:29The Audience Asks.
22:31I'm going to try and get through as many questions as I can
22:33before we hear this noise.
22:35For that reason, I'm out.
22:39We won't bother with the answer button.
22:41There's no time for that.
22:43I am just going to use this bell for this round.
22:45Quickfire.
22:47Right.
22:49Who have we got?
22:51Nadia Miller. Where are you, Nadia?
22:53Nadia, quick, what's your question?
22:55Hi, why do ghosts say, ooh?
22:57What?
22:59They go like this.
23:01Ooh.
23:03No, no.
23:05They go, ooh.
23:07What the hell?
23:09That's what they do.
23:11It's the wind, it's the wind, it's the wind.
23:13What do you mean, it's the wind?
23:15It's the wind whistling through, you know,
23:17the houses and the corridors.
23:19That's it. It's a quickfire round.
23:21That'll have to do. We think it's the wind.
23:23Next, hang on a minute. Who are you?
23:25Margaret Lennon. Where are you?
23:27Here.
23:29Hello.
23:31Hi, why does the sound of a fire engine change
23:33when it goes past you?
23:35Do you not notice that as they get nearer to you,
23:37all noises get louder?
23:39What do you want about?
23:41Well, the siren, when it's coming towards you,
23:43it sounds high, and then when it goes past you,
23:45it sounds lower.
23:47It's called the Doppler effect.
23:49Ooh.
23:51Oh, my God.
23:53There's a load of ghosts.
23:57What's the Doppler effect like?
23:59Sound waves change shape
24:01the further they get away from their source.
24:03It's the Doppler effect, says Lloyd.
24:05That'll have to do.
24:07Martin Godfrey. Where are you, Martin Godfrey?
24:09Martin, what's your question?
24:11Are sheep still the best animals to kill?
24:13Don't you dare, Martin.
24:15Joanne Fuller, where are you?
24:17Hello, Joanne, what's your question?
24:19Quick.
24:21Lloyd, what does the future hold for Britain?
24:25Joanne, it's a quickfire round.
24:27I think we should ask Craig,
24:29because he's the most recent Briton.
24:31Oh, yes.
24:33What does the future hold for Britain, Craig?
24:35Nothing.
24:37Jean Jackson, are you there?
24:39Where are you, Jean? Hello.
24:41Hi, Rod. I'm a huge Donny Osmond fan.
24:43Sit down.
24:47Michelle Murphy, where are you?
24:51Why are blondes supposed to have more fun than brunettes?
24:53Cos they're tops!
24:55Cos they're tops!
25:03We are out of time.
25:09We are out of time,
25:11but I think we got through quite a lot there.
25:15I am going to award that round to Lloyd
25:17for his stunning thingy of the Doppler effect.
25:19Lloyd, congratulations.
25:25Well, we've got through nearly all the questions for this week,
25:27but there's time for one more.
25:29It is our special guest asks round.
25:33Craig, do you have a question for us?
25:35I do indeed.
25:37Will we ever be able to run
25:39100 metres in five seconds?
25:41The reason I'm asking this,
25:43cos I used to run at school,
25:45and I can't believe that people can run
25:479.5 or thereabouts,
25:49so why can't they do it in five?
25:51Surely we should be wanting them to take longer.
25:53As a spectacle of value for money,
25:55you queue up all day, you wait for an event
25:57and it's over in 9.5 seconds.
25:59Would you sleep outside Wimbledon
26:01if the final was going to be 9.5 seconds
26:03long the next day?
26:05No.
26:07Admittedly, if it was Murray, that means it's gone to a tie-break.
26:11I think it would be much more interesting
26:13if each one of them
26:15had a French Chihuahua attached to their arm.
26:19Have you got any facts for us, Debra?
26:21Well, the first recorded 100 metre world record
26:23was held by Donald Lippincolt
26:25in July 8th, 1912
26:27with a time of 10.6
26:29and the current record is now
26:319.58 seconds.
26:33So they've lopped a second off it?
26:35Which was run by Usain Bolt.
26:37If the person who came last in every race
26:39was killed,
26:41we would shave
26:43more than one second off in the next 100 metres.
26:45He's got a point.
26:47Execute the last place person.
26:49If it's survival of the fittest
26:51then you just take the slowest out of the whole...
26:53Exactly.
26:55I've got a grisly death planned as well.
26:57I'm going to put a small paddling pool
26:59with a very aggressive dolphin in it.
27:03You know with greyhounds,
27:05they all get a rabbit that goes down
27:07and they all chase the rabbit to incentivise them.
27:09Why don't they do that in the Olympics with runners?
27:11What would you incentivise them with?
27:13A meal, food.
27:15Are you suggesting that a 100 metre specialist,
27:17is only giving 99%
27:19and all they need to tip them over the edge
27:21into super fast running is a bloody curry?
27:25I think Greg's idea,
27:27you kill the last one.
27:29Then you could combine both.
27:31After the gun goes off,
27:33they let a Bengali tiger out of a cage.
27:37Can I pitch my invention to Deborah now?
27:39Oh, is that the time?
27:41This is a genuine pitch, right?
27:43I've just drawn the drawing of it.
27:45I was drawing it on the sofa,
27:47watching telly, like this.
27:49Dragons' Den?
27:51Yeah, watching Dragons' Den.
27:53And I thought, I fancy a lovely drink now.
27:55And I reached down and I grabbed my glass.
27:57And I realised there was absolutely no way
27:59I could drink it without spilling it all over myself.
28:01Or without losing weight.
28:03Or without...
28:07So I thought, I've invented this.
28:09Oh dear.
28:11Horizontal glass.
28:15It's like a glass
28:17with a little valve in it.
28:19So you don't have to move your neck at all.
28:21You can just pop it on your chest.
28:23And when you fancy a little drink...
28:25And if you like a hot drink, Deborah,
28:27I've invented horizontal flask.
28:31Can I say, I think it's an absolutely brilliant,
28:33brilliant idea.
28:35And I would invest all of my money in it,
28:37but there's a but.
28:39What's the but?
28:41You've now put it in the public domain
28:43I have, but maybe I've already patented it.
28:45But you haven't, have you?
28:47Because is that what you put in at the patent?
28:55Have you got a fact for us, Deborah?
28:57I have.
28:59One theory suggests that due to new training opportunities,
29:01women will be faster than men in the future.
29:03Rubbish.
29:07Women will never be faster than men.
29:09According to TALA,
29:11a research group at Oxford University,
29:13if current trends continue,
29:15the winning women's 100m sprint time
29:17at the 2156 Olympics
29:19will be 8.079 seconds.
29:25Women will be running the 100m in 8 seconds in 2156?
29:27Yes.
29:29How many years is that?
29:31Incredibly pretty female athlete called Dave.
29:37Greg, can you think of a way that we could find out
29:39if we could run 100m in 5 seconds in the future?
29:41I think there's always a way of finding
29:43a definitive answer to a question, Rod.
29:49But sometimes, sometimes you have to get scientific.
29:51Sometimes you have to go to the lab.
29:59Oh, hello, welcome to the lab,
30:01where myself and
30:03Professor Lloyd Langford
30:05Hello there, Dr Davies
30:07will be conducting
30:09a highly scientific experiment
30:11to see if it is possible to make a human being faster.
30:13What we want for this experiment
30:15is a highly, highly trained athlete,
30:17someone at the peak of physical condition,
30:19so that we can see if it's possible
30:21to speed them up
30:23using scientific methods.
30:25So please welcome
30:27Rola Pladcliffe.
30:37Rola will now start
30:39at a steady pace.
30:41Now,
30:43on with the experiment.
30:45Professor Langford,
30:47what will be the first method we will attempt
30:49to speed Rola Pladcliffe up with?
30:51I think aesthetically,
30:53Rola could benefit
30:55from some Go Faster stripes.
30:57Please.
30:59Lovely.
31:09Excellent work.
31:13How do you wait, Lloyd?
31:15You've got to get it when you get home!
31:17My nipples are coming down!
31:19One of the things that makes someone run faster
31:21is seeing the colour red,
31:23so let's try that.
31:25Run faster!
31:27Not working.
31:29Obviously that particular red
31:31is not vivid enough for Rola.
31:39There seems to be some sort
31:41of speeding up,
31:43but I think Rola's beginning to flag.
31:45She obviously needs some sort of protein.
31:47Perhaps some lovely beans,
31:49Professor Langford?
31:57Oh, my God!
32:01Doing very well, Rola.
32:03This isn't very scientific!
32:07This is not scientific!
32:09I've just checked the gauge.
32:11We've hardly achieved any speeding up whatsoever,
32:13so I'm going to have to go to some fairly extreme methods
32:15at this point.
32:17We're in touch with a German scientist.
32:19I just need to set this up properly
32:21before we bring our guest on.
32:23Some lovely sausages there.
32:25Perhaps now we can bring on
32:27our German counterpart
32:29to see if we can speed Rola up a little bit.
32:51Hurry up! Hurry up!
32:55He says that humans, through genetic engineering,
32:57would soon have the ability
32:59to modify and greatly enhance
33:01muscle fibre strength.
33:03That's an answer!
33:17I'm going to hold that hand to me,
33:19because look at the state of me.
33:25Well, that's pretty much it for tonight.
33:27So, people of Britain,
33:29if you've got a question,
33:31you can tweet
33:33hashtag Ask Rod on Twitter.
33:35But for tonight,
33:37it's thanks to Craig Revel Horwood,
33:39Shafi Postandi,
33:41Craig Davison,
33:43Lloyd Langford,
33:45and, of course,
33:47our authenticator,
33:49Deborah Meaden.
33:51I'm Rod Gilbert,
33:53and you can ask me literally anything.
33:55Goodnight.
34:23Thank you.