First broadcast 26th October 2011.
Rhod Gilbert
Greg Davies
Lloyd Langford
Jo Whiley
Nick Hewer
Jenny Eclair
Christian O'Connell
Rhod Gilbert
Greg Davies
Lloyd Langford
Jo Whiley
Nick Hewer
Jenny Eclair
Christian O'Connell
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:00Tonight on Ask Mark Gilbert, our special guests are, he's the king of the airwaves, it's Christian
00:29O'Connell, and gorgeously grumpy old woman, Jenny Clare. They're here every week, Greg
00:43Davies, and Lloyd Langford. Ladies and gentlemen, Ask Rod Gilbert. Hello, welcome, yes, my name
00:55is Rod Gilbert, and tonight my job is to find the answers to the questions that keep
00:59us all awake at night. Questions like, how come every year dogs receive awards for bravery
01:04and get to meet the queen? You're a human being, you have to behave yourself for a hundred
01:07years before a secretary will even send you a birthday card. If you're a dog, thirty seconds
01:11in a frozen lake and you're sipping champagne and sniffing royal bottoms on the lawns of
01:15Buckingham Palace. It's like an all-you-can-sniff corgi bum buffet. It's always the same heroic
01:22story, isn't it? Rover was so brave, your majesty, I fell in the icy waters and he jumped
01:26in after me. Of course he did, he didn't have much choice, you didn't let go of his lead.
01:30It's like saying your nan's into parkour because she fell down the stairs. Here's another classic,
01:37the house was on fire but Rex started barking and woke us up. Of course he did, barking's
01:41the dog equivalent of going, ahhh! We have to stop attributing human emotions to animals,
01:47they're just getting on with their lives. Your hamster was separated from his family
01:50and probably spends most of his life behind bars, but it doesn't make him Nelson Mandela.
01:54In a world full of uncertainty we need someone with credibility to help us find the answers
02:05to our questions. So as always we begin by asking, who is tonight's authenticator? He'll
02:11need every ounce of nous that he musters when giving business advice to Lord Sugar. You're
02:15fired! He'll need all the composure he uses to hold his own against Karen Brady. To keep us in
02:25check he'll almost certainly need to pull out his trademark withering looks. Yes, tonight's
02:34authenticator is the scourge of every apprentice in the country, he's the absolute business,
02:38it's Nick Hewer. Hello Nick. Hello. Thank you for coming on the show. My pleasure. Junior
02:56Apprentice is back. Yep, we're looking forward to that. How young are some of these kids,
03:00are they so chimney sweep age and size? Let me tell you, one of them... Can I just stop you
03:05there? What is chimney sweep age? Well, around seven I think is good for sending up a chimney.
03:10No, ours are... I mean one young chap, just 16, and wonderful, I mean they are terrific. And how
03:20are you going to help us tonight Nick? I'll be providing you with all the facts that you and
03:25the panel need to answer the questions tonight. Wonderful, and when I think we have an answer I
03:30will do this. Jenny, thanks for coming on the show. It's a pleasure. Have you learned anything
03:37recently? Well, the other day I learned I like the word baba ganoush. I like it, it's a good word.
03:45What is baba ganoush? Well I know, it's a grilled aubergine smashed up. I don't think it exists.
03:52It's an Indian god. Baba ganoush is also a monkey god. That's Ganesh. That's the fella.
03:58With the sort of elephant... Yeah, elephant head is Ganesh, not baby ganoush. You know this isn't
04:05Call My Beloved. Baba ganoush is South African magic. Let's find out who wants to know what
04:15tonight. Who have we got? Who's this fella? It's an albino seal. It's a little seal. Rod, is there any
04:24truth in the rumour that McCackerel and Seal have been having an affair? Robbie, any fans of Robbie?
04:34Yes. Oh there are in the audience. You like him Nick. His Ebworth concert was the best thing I've ever
04:41seen. Ebworth? Yeah, was it Ebworth? I think the K is silent, but not the N as well.
04:53Nedworth was it. Nedworth! What, you were there? No, I watched it on television. I watched it on
05:02television. That's enough humiliation for me. A friend of the show, Kim Jong-il, always asks a question for us. What is it this time Kim? Hey Rod, what should I do? I'm itching to nuke this swimming pool. The sign on the wall says no bombing.
05:17There's going to be a time when you get in trouble for taking the mickey out of a dictator every week on a show isn't there? Do not for one moment think that he doesn't know.
05:32He's got people. Sounds like you're one of them Nick. Do you genuinely think he knows? Of course. I'd love it if you opened your hotel room one night. Surprise. Who would you fancy in a stand-off, Kim Jong-il or Lord Sugar? Lord Sugar has it on the aggression front.
05:59I'm for Kim Jong-il. If Kim Jong's going to come in and Alan's going to go, you're fine, he's going, ah, damn!
06:11Oh, this is our first round of Famous Face Asks. So let's see who wants to know what tonight. It is Alex and Matt from The One Show. What would they like to know?
06:21Hello Rod. Here on The One Show we like to ask some hard-hitting questions, don't we? But we don't always get the chance. So now that we've got the chance, we have to ask, what's the point of dancing?
06:33That's a very good question. What is the point of dancing? Nick, can you see what you can find out and I will quiz our panel to see what they think. What's the point of dancing? Jenny, any thoughts?
06:43Well, I don't know the origins of dancing. I suppose as soon as people had legs, limbs and alcohol, then dancing ensues.
06:51You've got to be very careful with dancing though, because I had a nightmare once. The one time I really let go in public years ago was at college and I really let myself go on the dance floor.
07:02And the next day I went into college and a girl came up to me on two crutches and tapped me on the shoulder and went, you did this to me.
07:10I don't remember doing it. I did a dramatic high kick, caught her in the side of the face apparently.
07:15Actually, I don't enjoy dancing at all. I just feel really self-conscious when you're dancing that people are pointing and laughing.
07:22It's because they are.
07:24That's why I don't enjoy it.
07:26Are you embarrassed to dance?
07:27Yeah, I just feel uncomfortable.
07:29Right, maybe I can help loosen you up a bit.
07:40Come on. Come on, there you go.
07:46Come on, Roy!
07:53Roy, did that not get you out of your inhibitions?
07:56What, being molested?
08:00But did you not feel liberated? Because that's the way to do it.
08:05Are you a dancer, Christian? Do you get up and dance or are you too embarrassed?
08:08I only have one dance movement. My wife calls it the Tony Hadley.
08:13She thinks that I try and dance like Tony Hadley.
08:17It sounds awesome.
08:18It's amazing!
08:19Let's have a look at it.
08:20You want to see the Hadley?
08:21Yeah, I want to see the Hadley.
08:24I will show you the Hadley and I will pass it on to you, Lloyd.
08:28The Hadley, it starts like this. The legs have to be wide, okay?
08:32It starts with a good stance.
08:35Who hasn't seen this guy drunk at a family get-together, yeah?
08:39And then you just kind of go like this.
08:56Nick, were you a good dancer?
08:58As a kid I was, but now, no, the rhythm's completely gone.
09:03I set it aside or mislaid it at about the same time as I lost my libido.
09:12And if you trip over it, leave it where it is, it got me into enough trouble.
09:16I agree with Nick.
09:17What, your libido or your...?
09:18Both.
09:19When you're young, you dance to try and get off with people.
09:22Of course.
09:23And when that stops, you dance to frighten people.
09:27And also needing to go to the lavatory.
09:31Maybe that's the origin of dancing, I don't know.
09:33What do you mean, needing to go to the lavatory?
09:35You know, you start doing that and the next thing you know, you're up on your feet.
09:44Let's have a fact, Nick.
09:45Now then, some dance moves are better than others when it comes to attracting the opposite sex.
09:51Researchers at Northumbria University filmed men dancing,
09:55using 3D motion capture technology, and showed women the footage.
10:00And here's the video.
10:07It's Christian O'Connell.
10:11This is what will capture a woman's heart.
10:20Dancing never works, and I've got a theory that nightclubs,
10:23nobody in the world likes going to nightclubs.
10:25They're just designed for us to gyrate our hips and for people to decide whether,
10:29like you say, whether we fancy them or not.
10:31I'd rather walk through a room with a load of lights on,
10:34and there'd be a buzzer system.
10:36I can walk past a girl and she just goes,
10:38Bzz, no, bzz, no, bzz, no, bzz, no, bzz, no, bzz,
10:41and I'm out, and I'm home in ten minutes.
10:44And I don't have to buy drinks or stuff.
10:46But you, I've seen you out in clubs.
10:48You love dancing. You're one of the first up on the dance floor.
10:50Yeah, because the buzzer system doesn't exist, mate.
10:53Are we any closer to an answer, Nick?
10:55Well, I've got somebody on the phone who should be able to give the answer.
10:58It's Dr Peter Lovett,
11:00head of the Dance Psychology Lab at the University of Hertfordshire,
11:04and he should be on the line right now.
11:07How are you?
11:09I'm very well, thank you.
11:10Good. The University of Hertfordshire?
11:12Yeah. I run the Dance Psychology Lab at the University of Hertfordshire.
11:16And what is that?
11:18Well, what we do there, we do scientific research
11:20into the effects of dance on a whole range of things to do with psychology.
11:24And then once somebody's learnt all the psychology of dance stuff,
11:27what do they then go on to do?
11:29Oh, well, they can work in a whole range of areas.
11:31So, for instance, we've got people working, applying this in schools right now.
11:35So if we can find out ways of teaching children the science curriculum,
11:39but introducing bits of dance into that to help them learn.
11:43Now, I don't really...
11:45You've lost me there.
11:47So hang on a minute.
11:48So you've got a kid with a Bunsen burner
11:50and you're telling him to break out into the robot.
11:52Exactly. Exactly.
11:53I would have found it extremely unnerving at school
11:56if the teacher had come in and gone,
11:58we're doing basic grammar today, kids.
12:00Ah, before E's.
12:05What's the point of dancing?
12:07Well, there are lots of points to dancing.
12:09But one of the points to dancing is all about communication.
12:12We're either communicating our hormonal and genetic make-up
12:15when we're mate-selecting,
12:16or we're communicating emotion
12:18when we're trying to communicate non-verbally to somebody else.
12:21Or it might be as a health benefit, to keep us fit and healthy.
12:25OK, I will take that as an answer. Thank you very much.
12:36So, Alex and Matt, you asked what's the point of dancing,
12:39and the answer is it's to communicate emotional and hormonal information
12:42about ourselves.
12:44And I'm going to award that round to Christian for his Tony Hadley.
12:52And, um, let's see who else has a question for us.
12:56George Clooney, are we fans of...?
12:58I suppose you fancy him, do you, Jenny?
13:00No, not particularly. Oh, do you not?
13:02It's such a cliché, isn't it?
13:04I don't want to fancy somebody because he's good-looking and successful.
13:08They have quite good reasons to fancy somebody, aren't they?
13:11I've always gone for, you know,
13:13the toothless, tattooed idiot on the waltzer.
13:16Well, help yourself.
13:18Knock yourself out, we sat you in the right place.
13:20Let's have a question from Sir now.
13:23Sir Stelios... How do you pronounce that?
13:25Nick, you're the pronunciation expert.
13:27That'll be Haji-yanu.
13:29Sir Stelios Haji-yanu.
13:31What does he want to know?
13:33Hi, Rod, Stelios here. Thanks for lending me that new Saturdays DVD.
13:39It's all right, anyway, back to the plastering.
13:41It's all right, it's fine.
13:45Ross Kemp.
13:48Let's have a question from Ross.
13:50Hey, Rod, do you think I'm running out of ideas
13:52for my Ross Kemp on gang series?
13:57Robbie Savage?
13:59Oh, let's... Lord Sugar.
14:01I think it would be rude not to have a question from Lord Sugar
14:04under the circumstances.
14:06Rod, word on the street is that Nick's doing other shows.
14:09Do you think I have the right to sack him if it's true?
14:13Does he mind you doing other stuff?
14:15For whatever reason, and if they're appropriate, Rod.
14:18Does he know you're doing this?
14:22Oh, this is our next round.
14:24The World Asks. Let's see who wants to know what.
14:29Oh, it's a trainer at SeaWorld.
14:31What can they possibly want to know?
14:36Hi, Rod. Shamu the killer whale has lots of energy,
14:39thanks to his seafood diet.
14:41But what I want to know is which country has the best diet?
14:45What do you mean by best? That's what we need to sort out.
14:48We've got the best diet because we've got Marks & Spencers.
14:52Christian? Spanish tapas.
14:54Oh. Yeah.
14:56I've been to Iceland, and they have some...
14:59Not as good as Marks & Spencer is.
15:07Yes, I went to Iceland,
15:09and they do have some very bizarre eating habits.
15:13Putrefied shark.
15:15Really? Yes.
15:17But they eat us fresh.
15:19Interestingly. They eat what?
15:21Us fresh.
15:23Us? Yeah.
15:25It's amazing, Nick, you become more sinister with every sentence.
15:29Who eats us fresh, Nick? Sharks.
15:31Oh, I thought you meant the bloody Icelandic.
15:36What are you on about?
15:37But, Nick, what else are the sharks going to do with us?
15:40They would keep this for a month or two.
15:42It would come back to this at Christmas or in the New Year.
15:45Have you not been to a shark barbecue?
15:47That's where crocodiles...
15:50Crocodiles pop you under a log
15:53until you've putrefied a bit, and then they eat you.
15:56Do they? Yeah. They should have a word with the sharks.
15:59You ate crocodile, didn't you?
16:01You were in the jungle, and I'm a thingy.
16:03I'm a celebrity, yes. I ate crocodile anus.
16:07What did they say? You can pick any bit you like.
16:11It was firm and moist, and I preferred it to turkey.
16:14I'd rather have...
16:15Oh, well, Merry Christmas, everyone.
16:19It is crocodile arse with all the timings.
16:24Come back, Tiny Tim.
16:28Who's got the nicest food, would you say?
16:30Best food I've ever eaten is Sri Lankan food.
16:34Very kind of spicy, healthy curries with lots of vegetables in.
16:38Don't go to Mongolia.
16:40Not for Sri Lankan food. Thanks for that, Nick.
16:43Do you go on road trips with Alan?
16:45I invited him to go to Mongolia. He said,
16:47not one for me, mate.
16:50But I did drive to Mongolia, and I lost a lot of weight in Mongolia.
16:53Because of the food? Because of the food.
16:55Everything else was swimming.
16:57No, because of the fitness videos.
17:00Nick, have you got another fact for us?
17:02I have, indeed. Italy may well be a contender.
17:06Pasta has topped the polls as the world's most popular food.
17:09Jim Winship of the Pizza, Pasta and Italian Food Association says,
17:14and he would, wouldn't he,
17:16it's because you can create lots of different dishes with it.
17:19It's filling, and it also has a long shelf life.
17:22In Italy, what they do, they make ratatouille on their back doorstep.
17:28They put all the vegetables in and just let it soak and cook in the sun.
17:32Can you imagine doing that in south-east London, where I live?
17:35It'd be full of cat shit.
17:40What do you think the healthiest diet is?
17:42Christian? You don't see a lot of chunky Japanese people.
17:45What, sumo, for example?
17:47They're the exception, as opposed to all.
17:49Jenny, best? I'm going to go with us.
17:51Us? British. GP.
17:53I've got a little experiment here.
17:55So, best is us, British.
17:58Healthiest is Japanese.
18:00I need a guinea pig, Greg.
18:02Would you...
18:04I want you to be the judge of which one is the better diet out of those two.
18:09OK. Does that sound reasonable? Yes, it does.
18:11OK, do we have a deal? Yes!
18:13I need you to blend a British diet.
18:16For our British diet, we're going to have some staples,
18:19like the good old British baked bean. Get those in.
18:21Some peas, a little bit of fish and chips there.
18:24In it goes.
18:25Bacon and eggs.
18:29Half a pasty, and let's have a little bit of good old British char.
18:36Right, now then, we're going to blend that up.
18:41What is the point of this experiment, mate?
18:44We're just going to see...
18:50So that's our British diet.
18:54Now we're going to try Japanese in just a bit.
18:57First of all, we have a little bit of fish.
19:00Oh, no.
19:02Oh, God.
19:03And then some, ooh, teriyaki chicken.
19:06That's a Japanese tea, a green tea.
19:09This is some bits of octopus.
19:12Some noodles, especially when it's part of a balanced diet.
19:16A bit of wasabi. Oh, get some wasabi in, yeah.
19:20Oh, just a bit.
19:22That's ridiculous.
19:24I find Japanese food can be a bit bland without wasabi.
19:30OK, let's give that a whiz.
19:41It's a better colour, isn't it?
19:43Oh, this is in the deluxe range.
19:45Oh, God.
19:46I'm sorry, Christian is actually gagging next to me.
19:49I've just seen one of the fish eyes come out.
19:53Don't get them mixed up, Greg.
19:55Heaven forbid.
19:56This is the delicious British diet that Jenny's so fond of.
19:59Jenny, would you like to try some of this?
20:01Oh, God, no!
20:03You said it was your favourite, Jenny.
20:06I'm a bit full, I'm a bit full.
20:08What's in that? It's just horrific.
20:11I'm not even having it and some warm six coming up.
20:15British food is quite stodgy.
20:20Oh, no!
20:23Oh, that is sensationally bad.
20:28You don't have to try the Japanese if you don't want to.
20:32No, Greg!
20:37Oh, God!
20:40You've got... Man on the board.
20:44This is nice, isn't it?
20:45No! No, Greg, no!
20:47I can't even let you do this! No!
20:50What is wrong with you?
20:52What is wrong with you?
20:56Nick is starting to go...
20:59Nick, which was better, quickly?
21:01Well, Rod, both of them were delicious.
21:04If I had to choose one, I'd certainly choose the Japanese.
21:08Oh, dear.
21:10Nick, let's have a...
21:13So, Greg said Japanese. Are we any closer to getting an answer?
21:16Well, I can tell you through steaming eyes
21:19that Professor Dan Benadot
21:22from the Division of Nutrition at Georgia State University
21:25says it's Japan.
21:27They have remarkable longevity
21:29coupled with phenomenally low obesity rate,
21:32much of which can be attributed to the high intake of vegetables
21:35and low-fat protein foods they consume.
21:39Japan gets it.
21:40I'm going to accept that as an answer.
21:48So, whale trainer and shamu,
21:50the answer is that Japan is the country with the best diet.
21:53Wasabi, teriyaki, udon, edamame, sashimi.
21:56That's not Japanese food,
21:57that's just Chris Martin calling his children from the garden.
22:03And I'm going to award that round to Greg, for obvious reasons.
22:10Let's have a look at what we've got next.
22:12Ah, it is the audience asks.
22:14This is our quick-fire round, ladies and gentlemen.
22:16I'm going to try and get through as many questions as I can
22:19before we hear this noise.
22:21This is a disgrace.
22:26You don't get the answer button. There's no time for that.
22:28We just use this bell.
22:32So, it's our audience quick-fire round.
22:35First up, we have Una.
22:37Una, where are you? What's your question?
22:39Is it still a bedroom if there's no bed in it?
22:41Of course it is, you idiot!
22:45It definitely is.
22:46You could say, is it still a baby grow if there's no baby in it?
22:53Is it still a horse box if there's no horse in it?
22:57It is. Are we happy? It is.
22:58Yes. Definitely. It is, yes.
23:03Who's next?
23:06Who's next?
23:07Ciarán Campbell. Hello, Ciarán.
23:08Hiya. I want to know, what is it that makes a dog wag his tail?
23:13Why did you ask, Ciarán?
23:15My dog gets angry and he wags his tail at the same time,
23:17so I never know the difference.
23:20Well, how do you know he's angry?
23:22He would literally bark the balls off you.
23:31Literally bark the balls off you.
23:35That is one hell of a god dog, isn't it?
23:39See, what it is, right, our dog is a Bichon Frise,
23:43and he's very, very protective of dogs, as they are.
23:45If you go near a certain person...
23:50Ciarán, sit down.
23:59Who's next? Vinnie Durham-Kearns.
24:01Vinnie, hello, what's your question?
24:02My question is, if there was a thousand seagulls on an aeroplane,
24:05each weighing two pounds apiece,
24:09and if they were all flying, would the aeroplane weigh 2,000 pounds more?
24:16Been bothering you for some time, this, is it, Vinnie?
24:18Absolutely.
24:19I have difficulty enough getting nail clippers onto a plane.
24:25It's Einstein. Relativity.
24:27He's asking are they adding to the weight when they're in mid-air.
24:30Why would they be adding to the weight?
24:31And the other question is, if they're flying, how fast are they flying?
24:39Bearing in mind, the plane is travelling at 500 miles per hour.
24:43Don't let Vinnie suck you into his world, Nick.
24:45That's a good point from Nick.
24:46They'd have to be rocket-powered seagulls, wouldn't they?
24:49No, the whole thing is...
24:50No, because they're in the atmosphere of the plane.
24:52They don't need to be flying 500 miles per hour.
24:55It's like if you're on a train and you go to walk to the toilet,
24:57you don't have to be walking 90 miles an hour.
25:01What's the answer to this question? Do we know?
25:03No.
25:04No.
25:05I think we've been a little used to it.
25:06We're going to go with Nick and say it's something to do with Einstein.
25:08Yeah.
25:09Who's next?
25:10Colette McCrone.
25:12McCrone.
25:13Hello, Colette. How are you?
25:14How old do you have to be today of old age?
25:20My uncle was only 35. He got hit by a mobility scooter.
25:31How old do we...
25:33Do we have any thoughts on old seriousness?
25:35Do we have any thoughts about when people say you died of old age?
25:38I bought my funeral plot when I was 50.
25:41Nice.
25:44Sir Alan got a plot next to you.
25:46Yeah, Karen Brady on the other side.
25:50Anyway, can we get off this subject of old age?
25:52Because I'm the oldest person here and I don't like it.
25:55Do you feel, though, that if you died now...
26:00If you died now tonight, would we say of you, do you think you died of old age?
26:04No.
26:05What is old age then? Where does old age start these days?
26:07Well, the fourth age, apparently, is 80.
26:10It's only about 12 years for me. God, that's terrible.
26:14So at least you've got your grave sorted. 80 we're going for.
26:1880 it is.
26:23Nicolette Smith.
26:25Nice to see you've got an unnecessary H in your name like me.
26:29Good work. Where are you, Nicolette Smith? Hello.
26:31Hello. Hi, Rod. My question is...
26:33My name's Nicky and I share my name with a brand of toilet roll.
26:38Do you share your name with any products?
26:42Are we on blind date?
26:47I'll ask that to contestant number two.
26:51Is it Nicky? Anybody share their name with a...
26:53Greggs. Greggs.
26:55What's wrong with them as well? Surely they should have got in touch with me by now.
26:59I'm the perfect poster boy for that shop. Look at the state of me.
27:04This is a disgrace.
27:06That was the sound that means that the time is up on that round
27:10and I'm going to award that round to Nick because he's the eldest.
27:19That is almost all the questions for this week but it is time for one more
27:23and it is our special guest asks round.
27:26So, Christian, do you have a question for us?
27:29Yeah, I do. I want to know what you all think of this.
27:31Will we ever be able to teleport?
27:34Teleportation. Nick, can you see what you can find out about teleportation?
27:37Will we ever be able to teleport?
27:39And what do you understand by teleport, Jenny?
27:42You have to wear lycra. You stand in a beam.
27:46I think, apparently, your whole body doesn't go.
27:50A facsimile of you goes.
27:52Wearing lycra and standing on a beam, you're describing gymnastics.
27:57Actually, I can help you out here and I think she's pretty much on it.
28:01Come on!
28:03In physics, teleportation means creating a replica of an object
28:06or at least some aspect of it, which is what you said,
28:09at some distance from the original.
28:11The act of teleporting destroys the original object
28:14and rebuilds a copy in the new location.
28:17I just think some questions are beyond the remit of this show.
28:22You didn't watch Star Trek and when they got teleported,
28:25it would be amazing to do that.
28:27Will we ever be able to teleport now?
28:29It's no matter than asking 100 years ago, will we ever fly to the moon
28:32or will we ever be able to heat a pasty up in a microwave in 30 seconds?
28:35What?
28:36It's no matter than that, is it?
28:38It's no matter than imagining being able to speed-heat a pasty?
28:42No!
28:43Of all the achievements of the 20th century.
28:47You could have picked.
28:49So if it's like a fax machine, will we ever email ourselves?
28:53As an attachment, are we talking here or...?
28:55Scan yourself in and email yourself as an attachment, is that possible?
28:58Do you fancy going for a drink? I've attached myself.
29:02Do we need to back ourselves up, first of all?
29:04Like you have to back up your hard drive in case some part of you gets lost in the move?
29:08I'm backed up right now, Chris.
29:13It's not a tressy, but on Star Trek, what happens?
29:15Shaq was on the holodeck and he'd go down to a Nimoy or one of the Red Shirts.
29:18The Red Shirts always got killed if they went down to the planet.
29:21And Shaq would all be down there.
29:23That's only if you teleport too quickly, that bit.
29:30Think of an easier way, Greg, a less mind-bending way...
29:33that we could establish whether teleporting's possible.
29:36Yes, I can, Rod.
29:37Because for the last few weeks, I've been beavering away,
29:40making my own working teleporter.
29:44Are you suggesting we go to the lab?
29:46Let's go to the lab!
29:52Welcome to the lab, and to the virgin flight of Greg's teleportation device.
29:59I've been working on this for weeks, but it's never yet been tested.
30:02I've put Lloyd inside, and using this, the telemeter,
30:05I intend to transport Lloyd around the whole globe.
30:09Two rules you should know about the teleporter.
30:11Number one, wherever Lloyd ends up in the world, he must try and fit in,
30:15otherwise it'll disturb something or other.
30:17And rule number two, let's hope I've kept it nice and clean in there,
30:20because if you've watched The Fly, you'll know that if I've combined Lloyd with anything,
30:23that would be awful, wouldn't it?
30:26Oh, no!
30:28I accidentally left my Ikea catalogue in there!
30:39Lloyd, you've ended up in Brazil, as the goalie in a goal-scoring competition!
30:45To fit in, you've got to save three goals!
30:56Back in, Lloyd!
30:58Amazing!
31:01Curse Lloyd's luck!
31:02Fancy ending up in Spain in the middle of a tomato-throwing festival!
31:15Lloyd's fit in very nicely!
31:17Back in, Lloyd, quick!
31:20Oh, no, Lloyd.
31:21You've ended up at a Susan Boyle concert before she'd come on stage!
31:26Remember, you've got to fit in, Lloyd, whatever happens!
31:31I dreamed a dream that time was blue
31:38When hope for a time in life was fleeting
31:46Then I was young and unafraid
31:54As days were made and years ended soon
32:00And we said
32:05There was no answer to the end
32:12No sun, no sun, no light, as we said
32:19Lloyd!
32:27This is the last destination.
32:29Lloyd, you've ended up in Belfast, at an Irish dancing competition!
32:49Yes, can you give us an answer?
32:51Professor John Rarity from the University of Bristol
32:55says the answer is yes, in principle.
32:59You can teleport someone, however,
33:01it will take a time longer than the age of the universe
33:05to transmit all the information you need.
33:08So, you've got to find the answer.
33:10You've got to find the answer.
33:12You've got to find the answer.
33:14You've got to find the answer.
33:16You've got to find the answer.
33:18You've got to find the answer.
33:20You've got to find the answer.
33:22You've got to find the answer.
33:24You've got to find the answer.
33:26You've got to find the answer.
33:28You've got to find the answer.
33:30You've got to find the answer.
33:32You've got to find the answer.
33:34You've got to find the answer.
33:36You've got to find the answer.
33:38You've got to find the answer.
33:40You've got to find the answer.
33:42You've got to find the answer.
33:44But for tonight, it is thanks to
33:46Christian O'Connell,
33:48Jenny Eclair,
33:50Greg Davies,
33:52Lloyd Langford,
33:54of course, our authenticator,
33:56Nick Hewer.
33:58Ladies and gentlemen, Nick Hewer.
34:00I'm Rob Gilbert,
34:02and you can ask me literally anything.
34:04Thank you very much.
34:14Thank you very much.