Duck Quacks Don't Echo. S02 E07. Highlights Special.

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First broadcast 13th October 2014.

Lee Mack

Simon Foster
Emily Grossman
David Wharton

Dara O Briain
Jimmy Carr
Davina McCall
Paddy McGuinness
Stephen Mangan
Holly Willoughby
Hugh Dennis
Johnny Vegas
Mel Giedroyc
Andrew Flintoff
Richard Madeley
Denise Van Outen
Jason Manford
Chris Packham
Kimberley Walsh
Chris Tarrant
Robert Webb
Kimberly Wyatt
Sharran Alexander
Dalton Diya

Category

📺
TV
Transcript
00:00This is a show where we reveal some of the most incredible facts that you've never heard
00:26of.
00:27This is a show where each one of our guests will unveil an astonishing and surprising
00:30fact.
00:31We'll test each fact to the limit and decide which one we think is the most amazing.
00:35So let's see who's joining me tonight.
00:37Freddie Flintstock.
00:38Richard Madeley.
00:39Paddy McGuinness.
00:40Colin Willoughby.
00:41Jimmy Carr.
00:42Donny Vegas.
00:43Hugh Dennis.
00:44Jason Mantis.
00:45Denise Van Outen.
00:46Stephen Mangan.
00:47Chris Tarrant.
00:48Kimberly Wyatt.
00:49Robert Webb.
00:50Chris Backham.
00:51Kimberly Walsh.
00:52Mel Gendron.
00:53Dara O Briain.
00:54And of course, the woman only, Sabina McCall.
00:55So, this is a show all about extraordinary but slightly odd facts.
01:08For example, despite popular belief, it is possible to tickle yourself.
01:15Anybody know how?
01:16No, it's not true.
01:17Oh, it is true.
01:18If you know that the tickle's coming, you're not ticklish.
01:19The whole thing about ticklish, you're not supposed to know where you're going to be
01:22for the rest of your life.
01:23Well, then just get drunk.
01:24You'd have to be pretty drunk to not know who your own arms belong to.
01:28Oh, Sandra, who's are these?
01:32There is a part of your body that is ticklish.
01:34I've tried it.
01:36Inside your ear.
01:37Not inside your ear, no.
01:38Inside your nostril.
01:39Oh, you're close.
01:40Roof of your mouth.
01:41Oh.
01:42It is the roof of your mouth.
01:43Really?
01:44If you get your finger in there and have a little tickle on the roof of your mouth...
01:45Shall we all do it?
01:46Let's have a little tickle.
01:47It's a little bit ticklish.
01:48Oh, yeah.
01:49I've felt that sensation before.
01:50I don't know.
01:52And here's another interesting fact.
01:56If the pages of two books are interleaved, it is impossible to tear them apart.
02:02So, let me show you two books we have down here.
02:06Fifty Shades of Grey.
02:07And what goes better with that than Freddie Flintoff's autobiography?
02:12We'll do this.
02:14Interleave them like this.
02:15This takes a second.
02:16Oh, there you go.
02:17So, we've interleaved all the books.
02:21Right.
02:22Now, I'll give them to Jonny and to Mel.
02:25Now, if you try and pull them apart...
02:27Oh, brilliant.
02:28Give me a favour.
02:29Jonny!
02:30Keep the book above here.
02:31We've both got partners.
02:32If that book's under there, why just go in?
02:34Come along!
02:35Come along!
02:42Go on, Freddie.
02:43You try it with someone strong like Mel.
02:47There you go.
02:48Look, it's impossible.
02:49I'm sorry, I just fell over.
02:52Awkward.
02:53I lost my grip on the...
02:55This is all down to friction,
02:56and the pages of the book are all pushing together to create friction.
02:59If it was just three or four pages, it'd be easy to pull apart,
03:01but if you multiply that by 100, it creates a huge amount of friction.
03:05If you want books that won't do this, you go to the library and you ask for non-friction.
03:11That isn't bad, is it?
03:13No, that's not bad.
03:15So, it's genuinely impossible to pull them apart.
03:17Even if we had two of Britain's strongest people, it would still be impossible.
03:20Which, of course, we do.
03:21Please welcome the world's heaviest sportswoman, sumo wrestler Sharon Alexander,
03:26and four-time finalist in the British Bodybuilding Federation Championships,
03:29Dalton Deer.
03:38So, away you go, Sharon and Dalton.
03:42Amazing.
03:48Jonny, don't give him a hand.
03:51Go on, now, let's all go, come on!
03:54Right, come on, come on.
03:56Hold on, hold on, hold on, there's a cheat!
03:58Come on!
04:04Let's hear it for Sharon and Dalton!
04:12We don't need this show!
04:13That's right!
04:14Run away!
04:15It's Celebrity Circus!
04:22And how about this one?
04:23Men always have the upper hand.
04:25Now...
04:26In what sense?
04:27In what sense? I'll show you what sense.
04:28Richard and Denise, could you just stand up for a second?
04:30Mm-hm.
04:31Now, could you just hold hands for a second?
04:34Yeah.
04:35Hold hands.
04:36Now, actually, everyone in the audience, stand up.
04:37Actually, if you're in a couple, man and woman, stand up,
04:39and hold hands with the person you're in a relationship with.
04:42Right, now...
04:43Yeah, I know where this is going.
04:44Without thinking, Richard has instinctively put his hand on top of Denise,
04:48and Denise has gone underneath, you see.
04:51Now, if you're the male partner in the relationship,
04:54and your hand is on top, can you sit down?
04:59There's literally three couples where the woman has her hands on top,
05:02which means you're the dominant one in the relationship.
05:05What about you, mate, over there in the corner?
05:07What's your name, sir?
05:08Paul.
05:09Paul?
05:10Paul.
05:11Paul, you're very cockney, you almost sound in Chinese.
05:14My name's Paul.
05:16And what's your name, madam?
05:17Heather.
05:18Heather.
05:19And are you the dominant one in the relationship?
05:20Definitely.
05:23Does this manifest itself in other areas of your life?
05:27I think you know what I'm saying.
05:30Are you very much on top of situations?
05:33Yeah.
05:36Great, is it me, or is it getting hotter, dear?
05:39Let's imagine for a moment that me and Richard are a gay couple.
05:42OK.
05:43I think that we could definitely carry on.
05:45I feel very much that I would be the Arthur, you'd be the Martha,
05:47but if you could just...
05:49Now, let's not think about it.
05:50Let's not think about it, let's just go for it.
05:52Let's swap sides quickly, then we're not thinking about it.
05:54Hold hands.
05:55No, get off! I'm the dominant one!
05:58Now, this custard, before we do this, it's a non-Newtonian,
06:01which means it can be a solid or a liquid, right,
06:03depending on what forces are acting on it.
06:05So when it has pulses of sound waves forced through it,
06:07it behaves like a solid.
06:08I don't think you need to tell Kimberly from Girls Aloud
06:10what non-Newtonian liquids are.
06:13I think it's a bit early for sarcasm, Kimberly.
06:18Like you knew, right?
06:19I had literally no idea.
06:21I'm surprised you don't know what custard is.
06:23Right, let's play the music.
06:25Look at this, this is incredible.
06:26Look at this.
06:27Dancing custard.
06:30How brilliant is that?
06:34Right, stop the music.
06:35It'll go liquid again.
06:36Is it liquid, though?
06:37It's liquid again, look.
06:38All liquid again.
06:39And then it goes...
06:40solid again!
06:44Touch me!
06:47Look, if I do that...
06:56You can have a little touch of the custard.
07:01You can pick it up for a split second,
07:03but put it straight down, it'll go liquid again.
07:06Girls Aloud!
07:07Always Girls Aloud!
07:14Let's cut the music.
07:15I have to ask this question, Kimberly.
07:17How can you miss from that distance?
07:21OK, let's get on with the show.
07:22We asked each of our guests to come up with their favourite fact,
07:24but which one will be voted the best?
07:26It's time for Round One.
07:27Fact off.
07:32OK, Denise, you're up first.
07:33What have you got?
07:34I've got Northerners are dirtier than Southerners.
07:41I don't mean like that.
07:43Yeah, when you say dirtier, what do you mean?
07:45Is that a compliment or an insult?
07:47Less hygienic.
07:49Oh, that's all right, then we just stink.
07:53So we're cleaner than those two?
07:54All right, leave it out.
07:56We take care of ourselves.
07:58You're a little bit dirtier.
07:59OK.
08:00Well, obviously me and Jason are going to argue with this quite vigorously.
08:03I think you're right.
08:06You're on my side, yeah?
08:07I'm sorry.
08:08You're on my side.
08:09I'm sorry.
08:10I think it's true, actually, cos I've been clubbing up north.
08:12Have you been there?
08:13Yeah.
08:14Did you get any seals?
08:16What did your family went clubbing up north?
08:17Most of the guys' fingers smell.
08:22Sorry, sorry.
08:23We're the dirty ones.
08:26Let's see what's used factors.
08:28OK, now, if you flush a loo and you haven't got the proper lid down,
08:32the churning of the water and the swirling of the water
08:36creates a sort of mist that can travel up to six feet
08:42and carry bacteria, harmful bacteria, to all parts of your bathroom,
08:47including, of course, your toothbrush.
08:49Oh, stop!
08:52I'm more worried about the fact that if your toothbrush
08:54is within six foot of the toilet when it flushes,
08:57your mouth is usually within two or three foot of the toilet
09:00when it flushes.
09:01No, your mouth is filthy, though.
09:02Your mouth is covered in bacteria.
09:04Me, or generally?
09:05No, specifically.
09:07Are you having a go at me?
09:08I'm just saying.
09:09But your mouth is filthy!
09:11Your mouth is covered in bacteria anyway.
09:12We're surrounded by bacteria.
09:13You know where that's coming from, don't you?
09:15Your toothbrush.
09:16Most of the bacteria you're talking about that are in the toilet
09:18don't do any damage to you whatsoever.
09:20You're wrong.
09:21No, there is bad bacteria and poo, but there's also...
09:24And the stuff that's flying around in the air
09:26and landing on your toothbrush.
09:28It's just the idea that it's poo particles.
09:30It's not poo.
09:31It's not let it go, but the poo.
09:33It is not literally smeared in poo.
09:35You're taking a very vivid view of it.
09:37You're not flushing it out, it's all flying through the air.
09:39It's a bad toilet.
09:41The toothbrush is just taking the hit.
09:45You're defending yourself against a wave of poo.
09:50Yeah, cos you know the way in Australia it goes the other way?
09:52Yes.
09:53Does that suck it down?
09:54No, it goes up in a big spiral and shoots poo all over.
09:58I think that's probably...
09:59I don't think anyone can really argue with that, can they?
10:01So what you're saying is, basically,
10:02when you're looking at an attractive woman,
10:04it's almost like there's...
10:05The blood isn't going round your head properly,
10:07almost as if it was somewhere else, but...
10:10Well, I mean, it all comes down to multitasking.
10:12When women look at men, I don't care how attractive the man is,
10:15I think they're like Benedict Cumberbatch and Sherlock.
10:17They just scan them and they can tell their personal hygiene,
10:20what they wear in the year, where they live...
10:22That's true!
10:23..what they smell like, whether they're a good kisser.
10:25Yes!
10:26They're like...
10:27Oh, no, you can't tell about the kisser,
10:28you can only tell about the kiss when you kiss.
10:30Thank God for that.
10:31Because you think that they might be a good kisser
10:32and then you kiss them and they're not a good kisser...
10:34How do you judge whether someone's a good kisser?
10:36Well, if it's a good kiss.
10:37No, I mean before a good kiss.
10:38If you get the fire.
10:39The fire?
10:40The fire.
10:41He got the fire, didn't he?
10:44That was too much fire.
10:46How did that happen? I've got to know. What happened?
10:48Yeah, what happened?
10:49Well, you know, when you're just in a relationship,
10:51you know, and you kind of do things off the cuff...
10:54I do things off the cuff before I'm in a relationship.
10:57I cooked some chilli earlier and I left the chilli seeds
10:59on the worktop, not thinking I was ever going to be on there naked.
11:03No.
11:04And I jumped on there and it was immediate pain.
11:07Oh, my God.
11:08Yeah, yeah, yeah.
11:09Let the ring see the sting.
11:13What was funny, I went to wet your knee...
11:15But how bad was it?
11:16..and I went, oh, it's like, oh, it's all right.
11:18Like, as though it's a normal thing in Bolton.
11:20Like, oh, yeah, chilli up the rectum.
11:24Well, there's no lying, is there?
11:26Oh, I accidentally fell over in a chilli field.
11:31I can tell you something.
11:32Lots of animals close their eyes when they're moving their heads
11:35for the simple reason that they can't overload
11:37the visual information that goes into their brains.
11:39Birds, for instance, when they walk,
11:42sometimes if you watch them like a chicken walking,
11:45you know, it sort of walks like that, doesn't it?
11:48When it's actually moving its head,
11:50it has a third eyelid that it brings over
11:52so that it doesn't overload its brain.
11:54Hang on, what do you mean a third eyelid?
11:56Jimmy's actually forgotten what species it is.
11:59I'm listening, but I can't listen when I'm not doing this.
12:03What do you mean a third eyelid, Jimmy?
12:05They have a third eyelid, a thing called a nictitating membrane,
12:07and it either protects the eye or it stops information
12:10entering the eye whilst they're moving,
12:12because all the movement of the world going on around them
12:14would phase them out.
12:16I'm not being funny, but how much does a chicken have to remember?
12:19Right, he goes, I'm just going to look over there.
12:21Oh, I'm going to go and have a look at that corn over there.
12:23I'd better shut my eyes, if I take any other information,
12:25they'll get confused.
12:27He goes, oh, there's the corn. I'm supposed to.
12:29I'm going to go and get the corn.
12:31Oh, hello, was that a Volvo 164?
12:35He wouldn't be able to test this now, would he,
12:37cos he's only just showing her arms.
12:39But if you were to take your top off,
12:41I mean, it is a scientific programme.
12:43All right.
12:46Hang on, though, but what if you're a bloke or a woman
12:48with a fantastic bod? I mean, a really great...
12:50If you're a bloke or a woman, you need to work that out first,
12:52I think, before...
12:55I'm always self-conscious when I, you know,
12:57get to the swimming bath and I put my...
12:59What do you wear? Do you wear trunks or shorts?
13:01I mean, often I go naked, which is probably why I'm more self-conscious.
13:04No, I wear... That's really stupid. I wear shorts.
13:06I wear shorts, because I would definitely not wear trunks,
13:08cos that would be... I'd be proper thick.
13:10Do you wear shorts with the little net bit in the bottom?
13:12Yeah, like, just to sort of... Oh, you've got to have the net.
13:14You've got to have the net. Oh, yeah, that's like
13:16buying loose oranges at Sainsbury's, because they're just all over the place.
13:19You need a little bit of control.
13:21Otherwise they're just... They're knocking everything over, aren't they?
13:23You get on... If you buy loose oranges and don't get them in the net,
13:25you get on your cucumber splitting off, innit,
13:27cos they're thrashing around out in the traffic,
13:29smashing around.
13:32Ready? You're up next. What's your fact?
13:35Mine's about cows.
13:37Of course it is. Obviously.
13:39Cows with names... Yeah.
13:41..produce more milk than cows without names.
13:47LAUGHTER
13:49Cows with names... Isn't it, Mike?
13:51..such as Daisy... Trevor or...
13:53Trevor? Who's calling a cow Trevor?
13:55What, a name? Any name.
13:57What about Daisy? Daisy.
13:59Or Buttercup? Trevor? Yeah, Trevor or Dave.
14:01Yeah, but they don't have boys' names, do they?
14:03Cows are ladies.
14:05Yeah, don't be fooled by these glasses, I'm not bright, Mike.
14:07LAUGHTER
14:11Also, as well, I don't know how true this is with cows.
14:14I was looking at Meg's, he's bald,
14:16and then his hair started growing back,
14:18and he said cos he got a cow to lick his head,
14:20there's something...
14:22I'm starting to think, Freddie, you will believe anything,
14:25anything anybody tells you.
14:27Seriously, there's something in the cow's saliva...
14:29That grows hair. ..that makes hair grow back.
14:31I mean, mate, he's got beautiful hair now, he's going bald.
14:34Oh, it's a lovely feeling, though, a cow's tongue.
14:37They're long and...
14:39LAUGHTER
14:41No! No!
14:43APPLAUSE
14:45Brilliant. How did you get a cow to lick you?
14:47Just put your hand through.
14:49The best, put your hand through your head.
14:51Spin!
14:53LAUGHTER
14:55OK, you've heard our views, but join us after the break
14:58to see us put the fact to the test in a few minutes.
15:01APPLAUSE
15:11Welcome back to Don't Quack, Don't Echo,
15:13the show that has the answers to the question you never even asked.
15:16Before the break, Johnny Vegas told us that you will rarely be confronted
15:19if you queue jump on your own.
15:21We've all said what we think, but we have to know for sure,
15:24so we have put it to the test.
15:26Golly mixtures when I said that.
15:28Golly mixtures.
15:30Oh, am I still on?
15:32LAUGHTER
15:34Oh.
15:40It's around that moment, isn't it, when they go,
15:42Mike in California has got more on this.
15:45LAUGHTER
15:47Welcome back to Don't Quack, Don't Echo,
15:49the TV show that goes to the ridiculous lens
15:51to prove equally ridiculous facts.
15:53Before the break, Richard told us that it's impossible
15:55for a blindfolded person to walk, swim or drive in a straight line.
15:58We've all said what we think, so now we need to put this test to the facts.
16:01No, we need to put the fact to the test.
16:04Can you tell how many segments there are in this banana?
16:07No, but I've got a better game.
16:14Can you pass me your chopping board?
16:16You're going to chop a banana? Yeah.
16:18Basically, you need to ask a banana a question.
16:21OK, there's a banana coming on for you now, Holly.
16:24I might have to just prove my point.
16:26Hopefully they won't be anywhere, I'll explain.
16:28Right, it needs to be a yes or no question.
16:31OK, so I ask you a question, you can say yes or no, too.
16:33You need to ask the banana a question.
16:35LAUGHTER
16:37The banana can only say yes or no.
16:39Does it have to be a banana-related question?
16:41No, it can be anything you really want to know.
16:43OK, then. Will Holly come out for dinner with me tonight?
16:46OK, banana, am I going out on a dinner date tonight?
16:50I'm going off the idea anyway.
16:53Oh, the banana says yes.
16:55Oh, yes. Can you see there's a little Y for yes?
16:58Now, can I ask just a question?
17:00Do you know it always says Y, and are you a bit easy?
17:02No, because... LAUGHTER
17:04Because some bananas are no bananas.
17:06Imagine if this one just had a middle finger sticking up.
17:08Oh, no, that's a yes banana as well, but some bananas have only got a dot.
17:11Yeah, but all these bananas are slags.
17:13Can we have a... LAUGHTER
17:15Can we have a banana that's a bit plain hard to get?
17:18It happens to me all the time. Does it?
17:20Yeah, yeah, yeah. Happened this week.
17:22Yeah. What queue was it?
17:24It was the queue for the Ryanair flight back from Dublin.
17:27Yeah. You've got to treat yourself.
17:31Hang on, I like a bit of... Are we allowed to say we like Ryanair?
17:34You're allowed to say, yeah.
17:36Every single Ryanair flight I've been on has been on time,
17:38and you get the...
17:40What's that? At the end, if you land on time...
17:42I thought you meant if you land safely.
17:46Do you know why it's on time?
17:48They've timed the flight from Liverpool to Dublin at four hours.
17:52It takes 20 minutes.
17:55The way you carry on luggage,
17:57they charge you 70-odd euro, is it, for printing off your boarding pass?
18:01Do it at home, guys. Be prepared.
18:04I always print my boarding passes at least two weeks before travel.
18:07Well, I wish we could all be as organised as you.
18:10Well, it is. But quite often, I'm in the garden
18:12and pulling bits of a broken plant pot out of my forehead.
18:16And the last thing on my mind is printing off a boarding pass.
18:20There's days I can't walk!
18:25You know the Teletubbies? I'm not very aware of the proverbs.
18:28And it goes...
18:32You know that, like that. I know, yeah.
18:34So, are babies... No, yeah.
18:36Well, they'd probably dance to that as well.
18:38But if you know, like, little babies,
18:40they can just about stand or they'll lean on something and they go...
18:43The music starts and all of them, they always go...
18:47And they literally can't help themselves.
18:49It's like, ooh, yeah, ooh, yeah, ooh, yeah.
18:52No, they don't do that.
18:53So, Steve, you've got kids, right?
18:55Two boys. Two boys. Yeah.
18:57Are they little dancers? They are. They do like a dance.
19:00But you haven't noticed any specific tunes?
19:02They do like... We Will Rock You gets them going.
19:05We Will Rock You.
19:07Oh, yes!
19:08They don't go...
19:10They don't do that, do they?
19:12No.
19:14Oh, yeah!
19:16Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
19:18Oi!
19:21Amazing, amazing!
19:23It's got the start of a rally, yeah.
19:27My fact is simply this.
19:28People are more likely to believe a statement is true if it rhymes.
19:32Such as?
19:33A stitch in time saves nine. That's a good one, yes.
19:35Is that true?
19:36No, no, it doesn't matter whether it's true or not.
19:38That's the whole thing. It doesn't matter whether it's true or not.
19:41People are more likely to believe it's true if it rhymes.
19:44Is it because you're more likely to remember it if it rhymes?
19:47That helps, that helps. Feels more honest. Yes.
19:49It isn't just sort of sayings, it's statements.
19:51Statements as well, I think. Yeah.
19:53So criminals...
19:54If you were a criminal giving a statement in a police station...
19:57If you did it in rhyming. If you did it in rhyme.
19:59I didn't do the nasty crime, I was at home at half-past nine.
20:05That's how you do it. That's it.
20:08The basic principle is that people will assume that the first one is the easiest,
20:13so therefore the dirtiest,
20:15which is actually the same system people use for my sisters.
20:21And so they don't use the first cubicle for that reason.
20:24And because everyone thinks that, it turns out it's the least dirtiest.
20:28Everyone wants poo anonymity.
20:31If we don't have anything else tonight,
20:33can we just use that as the trailer for the show?
20:37That's the campaign message that we're trying to get.
20:39Wendy Trazard, we want poo anonymity!
20:43Yes.
20:44That's a great word.
20:45I like the word poo anonymity.
20:47What if there's a floater?
20:48What if there's a floater?
20:51Somebody from the audience wants to know what if there's a floater.
20:54A sort of direct version of question time.
20:58Yes, question from the back.
21:00What if there's a floater in the booth?
21:03OK, let's go to our...
21:05That would be good, wouldn't it, on question time,
21:07if someone genuinely did a question from the back.
21:09You know what, you're not going to...
21:13Sorry!
21:16Can you do me a favour?
21:17Can you put your shoes on?
21:20Feces.
21:21Toes as well.
21:23Yeah.
21:24Oh!
21:28Can I just check?
21:29Is that your underpants?
21:32Oh, proper mum, doesn't even care.
21:37Oh!
21:40Oh, no!
21:46Now, before we blindfold you,
21:48can you please have a good sniff of Mehmet's armpit
21:51so we know exactly what smell you're looking for?
21:53OK.
21:54So get your nose in that bit.
21:55I know, I know. This is for science, yes?
21:57This is for science.
21:58Can I just say, what a gentleman, he's shaved his armpit.
22:00That's a gentlemanly thing.
22:01Just for Holly.
22:02Just for Holly.
22:03Right, now, how would you describe that smell?
22:05Be honest, cos he's been exercising.
22:07Sort of musty, sort of sweaty.
22:09Yeah.
22:11It's got quite a unique smell.
22:14I think what she's trying to say, in a polite way,
22:16is you bloody stink.
22:17Now, let's put your blindfold on.
22:19Holly, start sniffing number one, please.
22:21If you could raise your armpit number one.
22:23He's on your left.
22:24He'll guide, he'll go armpit to nose.
22:27Oh, right, it's not you.
22:28Right.
22:29Can we have a description?
22:30That's a much stronger smell.
22:33That's much more pungent.
22:38What does it take to disgust you, Holly?
22:42Where are you?
22:43There you go, go there.
22:44Oh, no, it's not you.
22:45It's not you, number three.
22:48I think it's number four.
22:49Number four, take your blindfold off, have a look.
22:54Thank the Lord!
22:56Right, arms up, number one,
22:58and Paddy will tickle you,
23:00despite the restraining order.
23:05Oh, you had a go at that, then.
23:10It's like a cat for a ninja tickle.
23:13Get back in line, sir.
23:15Do you want to show me on the doll where he touched you?
23:19Tickle them in exactly the same place,
23:20but this time, they're allowed to block your tickle.
23:22Put your hands...
23:23So you're going to link your fingers in between,
23:25get them right on top of Paddy's,
23:27and Paddy's going to attempt to tickle you and see if it works.
23:32Nothing at all.
23:33Here we go.
23:36I appreciate this is more intimidating.
23:41I think that absolutely proves it, conclusively,
23:44that you really can block a tickle.
23:47Give Jimmy a taste of your coffee.
23:49I'm getting...
23:51But we don't know what it's like.
23:53Instant coffee.
23:54That's instant coffee.
23:55That's like cheap, instant...
23:57Hmm.
23:58Oh, that brings me back.
23:59That's the Travelodge 2005.
24:06Jimmy, what are you going to go for?
24:07I'll go with that one.
24:08Do you think that's your favourite?
24:09Yeah, I'm going three.
24:10You think three, Chris?
24:11It's the odd coffee, yeah, I'd go for that.
24:13OK, well...
24:14Are we going to ask the barrister, barista...
24:16He's not a barrister.
24:17For once, Jimmy, you don't need a barrister.
24:20LAUGHTER
24:24Feeling confident?
24:25Yes.
24:27Right, scissor lift operator, please lower the truck.
24:33Oh.
24:34Sorry, that's my pacemaker, ignore that.
24:35OK.
24:37Oh, I'm a bit... I'm genuinely a bit nervous.
24:44Amazing, it actually works.
24:46Four ceramic cups can hold the weight of a two-ton truck.
24:50And these ones can take even more weight, Robert.
24:52And I know just the people that can really put this to the test.
24:54Come on, lads, please welcome our bodybuilders!
25:07Easy, tiger.
25:10I'll tell you what, lads,
25:11I hope you left some steroids for those horses.
25:15So there you have it, not only can four ceramic cups
25:17hold the weight of a two-ton truck,
25:18but it can also take the weight of this lot.
25:19And just to prove that these mugs are genuine...
25:22I don't mean these mugs, cos they'd kill me if I said that.
25:24Just to prove these mugs are genuine,
25:26we are going to break them by all jumping at the same time.
25:28One, two, three, jump!
25:33Ladies and gentlemen, our bodybuilders!
25:36APPLAUSE
25:48Welcome back to Duck, Quack, Stone, Echo,
25:49the show that has the answers to the question you never even asked.
25:52It's time for Fact Finder.
25:56Not only do we ask our guests to bring a fact to the show,
25:59we also ask our audience.
26:00Jason, Richard and Denise have each picked out the audience fact
26:03that they think is the best one.
26:05Jason, which audience member did you pick?
26:07Oh, erm, I picked Tony Amder.
26:10That's it, that's me?
26:11I hope so, you stood up.
26:14That would have been odd if you'd have gone...
26:16No, that's not me, that's...
26:19No, no, I'm Brian Smith, no, you weren't Tony Amder.
26:22What do you do, Tony?
26:23Oh, I've got a garage, MOT station, near Romford.
26:26Romford? Yeah.
26:28OK. MOT!
26:34Good one.
26:35You work in a garage, so tell us your fact,
26:37even if it's just an estimate.
26:41Right, the fact is...
26:43Oh, the fact is, your big end's gone, and...
26:47I mean, we can't get anything until Tuesday, and...
26:51The fact is, most toilets flush in the note of E-flat.
26:57No, that's not true. That can't be true.
26:59Surely all toilets are different sizes?
27:01Where did you hear it, Tony?
27:02It's quite weird, actually, I've got a friend that's got a band,
27:05they're lead guitarist, his tuner had broken,
27:08and it wouldn't work, and so he happened to know
27:11that if you flushed a toilet...
27:12Oh, get stuffed!
27:14Are you telling me?!
27:15He went...
27:20There were six cubicles, he flushed them all
27:23and found the one that he felt was right, and that was it.
27:25He tuned it into that, and that is a fact.
27:27So he's got six cubicles,
27:29and he knows which one's E-flat by the sound,
27:31and then tunes his guitar to the toilet.
27:33If he knows what E-flat is,
27:35he doesn't need to go to the toilet,
27:38he can just go ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding!
27:44More exciting, if you think about it, is that
27:46if you had loads of toilets, all with different notes...
27:49Harmony.
27:50Yeah, barbershop quartet in the bathroom, just going...
27:52Ah, ah, ah...
27:55I did, actually, before the show, I had A major crap.
27:59APPLAUSE
28:02My fact is that when you die,
28:05your hair carries on growing for a couple of months afterwards.
28:08You're not getting the words hair and kid mixed up, are you?
28:12After you die, your hair keeps growing for a couple of months?
28:15That's a long time. I've heard hair and nails.
28:17Yeah, hair and nails.
28:19OK, and have you got any evidence of this? Who told you this?
28:21Well, I heard it when I was younger, my dad told me.
28:24Did he come in very late at night,
28:26shove it in soil, little lantern and a shovel, and go,
28:29you're not going to believe what I've seen.
28:33Bald when he died, I say, bald!
28:37OK, Chris, do you think there's any truth in it?
28:39None whatsoever? No, I don't think so.
28:41Two months is a long time.
28:42Two months?
28:44The state of decay sets in within hours,
28:46and you'd need blood flow to stimulate the growth of that,
28:49and that would all cease when your heart stopped.
28:51All right, Dr Lecter.
28:54Jimmy, you like this fact, obviously.
28:56I like it, I like the idea of it. You want it to be true.
28:58I don't believe in an afterlife,
28:59but I like to think I might have a quiff.
29:03Where are you, Ross? Can you stand up, please?
29:05Hi, Ross. How are you doing?
29:07By God, you're big.
29:09So, where are you from, Ross?
29:11Northampton.
29:12THE LAND OF MORTALS
29:15What's your fantastic fact?
29:17My fact is, if your earlobe isn't attached,
29:21your dad's is, he's not your real dad.
29:26Don't be breaking it to me like this.
29:29If your earlobe isn't attached, but your dad's is,
29:33meaning the little flappy bit at the bottom
29:35is going to be properly joined on to the side,
29:37it's one of those ones you really hope isn't true,
29:39cos people at home are literally weeping.
29:41That's exactly what I think now.
29:43Oh, no!
29:44Let's have a look at yours. I'm unattached.
29:46You're unattached.
29:47Well, my earlobes are unattached.
29:50Well, surely, if you're attached, you mean...
29:52If you're married to me, your earlobes are attached.
29:54Yes, I'm attached, but my earlobes are available.
29:58Let me look at your ear here.
29:59So, in your ear, the lowest point of your ear
30:02is the point at which it's attached to your head.
30:05Can you remember your dad's earlobes?
30:07They are unattached.
30:09Oh!
30:12Are you married?
30:13Yes.
30:14When your husband asked you to marry you...
30:17..did you need a wee?
30:19No.
30:21I'm not saying that, I'm just looking at you thinking
30:23maybe she needed a wee, that's all.
30:27And she made a snap decision, and can I say,
30:29she made the right decision.
30:30She made the right decision.
30:32Got out of that, didn't I?
30:35Oh, was he the one on the left?
30:36Oh, no, wrong.
30:39I thought you meant the early fellow on the right, sorry.
30:41Who's that?
30:42Are you with the fellow on the right?
30:44Yeah.
30:45Both.
30:46You're with both?
30:48I think it's time you made a decision, love.
30:53OK, your turn, Freddie.
30:54Whose facts have you chosen?
30:55It is Amanda Bliss.
30:57Amanda Bliss?
30:58Yes.
30:59Where are you from, Amanda Bliss?
31:00From Nuneaton, in the Midlands.
31:02OK, and what do you do, Amanda?
31:04I work in a supermarket as an availability colleague.
31:07Which supermarket is it?
31:10ASDA.
31:11ASDA?
31:12Oh, can I ask, as part of the job,
31:15are you all allergic to fresh basil?
31:20Cos you've never got none in.
31:23Ever.
31:24Any time I have a go, there's no fresh basil.
31:29OK, Amanda, what's...
31:31Fresh basil.
31:32Amanda, what's...
31:33Not the stuff in the jars, it's too strong.
31:36You can't make pesto with dried basil.
31:38I learnt to cook one dish, and you can't give me one...
31:41I'll get him when he breathes in.
31:43He'll breathe in in a minute, I'll get him.
31:45ASDA!
31:46Why?!
31:51I'm so sorry about my friend, Amanda.
31:55That and hummus!
32:03That was lovely, Helen Parker.
32:05So, Helen, would you like... Could you stand up?
32:08Yes, sure.
32:09So, Helen, would you tell us your fact?
32:12If identical female twins marry identical male twins,
32:18and they both have children, the children will look the same.
32:23You're talking about identical twins, not fraternal twins?
32:26No, identical twins.
32:28So identical twin sisters marry identical twin brothers.
32:31So we're talking about the weird kind?
32:33What do you mean, weird?
32:35Excuse me, I've got twins.
32:37Have you got identical twins?
32:39Yeah, they are, yeah.
32:40I've got twins as well.
32:41Are yours identical?
32:42Yeah, but mine are, like, the less freaky ones.
32:44You've got the freaky kind, haven't you?
32:46So you've got...
32:47Oh, we've got twins, that's interesting.
32:49You've got twins.
32:50Well, we think they're identical, we've never had to test them.
32:52You think they're identical?
32:53They're identical.
32:54Because they look the same?
32:55They look exactly the same.
32:56They're identical?
32:57Yeah, yeah.
32:58Are they not all...?
32:59Sometimes twins look identical, but actually they're not.
33:01You normally know if there's only one placenta when the baby's born.
33:04That's a funny line, isn't it?
33:06It's very hard to get a gang on placenta.
33:08And if you were trying,
33:09you're just trying to be the placenta of attention,
33:11so what's the problem?
33:13All right, I'll be here all weekend.
33:17What's your amazing fact?
33:18My amazing fact is,
33:19male bats have the highest rate of homosexuality in any mammal.
33:24What?
33:26When you say, in any mammal...
33:30That's an amazing fact.
33:31That's not right.
33:32If it's true, I mean...
33:33Everybody knows it's the dressage horse.
33:37Is that the gayest mammal?
33:39You see, he's like...
33:42I mean, he's there.
33:43He's there for all to see.
33:45This is going to come as a shock to Batman, isn't it?
33:49It'd be more of a shock to Robin.
33:51That's true, yeah.
33:52We know this.
33:53Have you had problems with your loads of bats?
33:55I do have bats in my loft.
33:57Is that a euphemism?
33:58Sorry, I've got bats in me loft.
34:04So you've got bats in your loft,
34:05and are you using your own evidence
34:06to suggest that they might be homosexual bats?
34:09No, in discussions with...
34:11When I had the loft surveyed, I was...
34:13Oh, a bloke who surveyed your loft gave you this information?
34:16Cos as we all know, blokes that survey lofts,
34:19they know what they're talking about.
34:21No, what he called you, love, is your gay bat.
34:25No, you're never shifting, he's your gay bat,
34:27and he's moving in lots of places.
34:32What do you do, Joe?
34:33I'm a scientist.
34:34What do you do, Joe?
34:35I'm a science teacher.
34:36You're a science teacher?
34:37This could be true, then, already.
34:38What are you teaching?
34:39Mostly chemistry.
34:40Mostly chemistry, with a little bit of...?
34:42A bit of biology and a bit of physics.
34:44Bit of physics, and quite a lot of PE.
34:46You're not a real scientist.
34:48OK, what's your fact?
34:50We share 50% of our human DNA with a banana.
34:53Well, mine does have a bend in it, yeah.
34:56APPLAUSE
35:01Can I just ask you a question?
35:03Put your hand up, it's very important.
35:05Is Mars in space?
35:07Mars the planet is in space, just like Earth is in space,
35:10orbiting around the sun,
35:12but Mars does have a far thinner atmosphere...
35:15Oh, shut up!
35:16..than the Earth, so you would have problems breathing there.
35:19Me and Freddie saw it in a film.
35:21They pump air into the atmosphere.
35:23The oxygen just disappear off, probably,
35:25because there's not enough gravity to hold it down.
35:27That's why some planets have atmospheres and others don't.
35:30But if there's more gravity, wouldn't it hold the oxygen in more?
35:33But the gravity is the rocky planet itself, not the atmosphere.
35:36I've got an idea how we can speed things up.
35:38You say, Johnny, you're right, we'll edit that out later,
35:40and then we can move on.
35:41No, this is...
35:42Johnny, you're right.
35:43I just said...
35:45I was just saying the same discussion with a nice scream.
35:48APPLAUSE
35:51That's my favourite bit of the debate so far.
35:54Over the applause, I just heard Johnny go,
35:56no, I had the same debate with an ice-cream man once.
36:01So, we've heard the facts,
36:02but how many points will our verifiers give them?
36:04After the break, we'll find out who picked the best one,
36:06and we did.
36:07Jimmy, Clifford, Kimberly, they're going to win the show.
36:11Are we doing a version for the North?
36:16The version of the North, much different,
36:18it's just a much shorter show.
36:19Do you know a water comes out to tap?
36:23I always think when you do a really Northern voice,
36:25it sounds like you're texting.
36:28Water to come out to tap.
36:32So, we've heard the facts,
36:33but how many points will our verifiers give them?
36:35After the break, we'll find out who picked the best one,
36:37and whether Jimmy, Chris or Kimberly will be walking away
36:39as tonight's Duck Quacks Don't Echo champion.
36:41APPLAUSE
36:50CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
36:52So, before the break, each of our celebrity guests
36:54chose their favourite fact from the audience.
36:56We've found out whether each fact is true,
36:58but who will get the most points from our verifiers
37:00and win tonight's show?
37:01Let's find out.
37:02In third place, Mel Goodrich with 23 points,
37:04Freddie Flintoff, 29,
37:05but tonight's winner, Johnny Vegas, with 32 points.
37:07CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
37:10Welcome, Johnny.
37:11You've won tonight's star prize,
37:13the chance to prove a fact of my very own.
37:15So, my fact tonight is,
37:17anyone can lie on a bed of nails unharmed.
37:21Let's go and test this out.
37:22It's time for Max Fact.
37:24APPLAUSE
37:27So, Johnny and I are in position and ready to go.
37:30Johnny, how are you feeling?
37:33Like a water balloon being carried by a clumsy kid.
37:36LAUGHTER
37:38Do you know that you can rest anybody on the set of nails?
37:41You just can't drop it from 15 foot.
37:43LAUGHTER
37:45APPLAUSE
37:48Let's start by lowering Johnny.
37:51Don't forget to keep your back really straight.
37:53Oh, right, yes, I was going to go right first.
37:56LAUGHTER
38:01And look on the bright side...
38:02Jesus!
38:04..Johnny...
38:05CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
38:09..how do you feel?
38:10You've got pins and needles in your leg.
38:13It's a bit like that, but I know I'm never going to walk again!
38:18Now, Johnny's proved his fact,
38:20so, in a way, you could say it's pointless me doing the same, really.
38:23There's not much point.
38:24So, I'll tell you what, let's change this.
38:26The question now is,
38:27is it possible for two people to lie on one bed of nails?
38:31Now, here I come, Johnny.
38:32Don't flinch.
38:34Right, come on, then, move me.
38:38I do not see the show ending like this.
38:40Here we go.
38:42Johnny!
38:43I promise I'll love you in the morning!
38:45You said come on the show, but I'm so...
38:47Oh!
38:48Oh, Jesus!
38:51I can't believe...
38:52You're turning this into porn!
38:54Ladies and gentlemen...
38:55It's starting out with science!
39:00OK, Anastasia, are you OK up there?
39:02Absolutely fine.
39:03Are you ready?
39:04I'm ready.
39:05Let's lift him up.
39:06Wow!
39:09Now, remember, do not try this at home,
39:11or if you are Wayne Rooney.
39:17Oh, trousers!
39:19I've just ripped my trousers in the process.
39:21I hope that was my trousers.
39:23I hope that was my trousers.
39:33No!
39:34I've ripped my trousers in the process.
39:36You really have?
39:37I hope that was my trousers.
39:38All my testicles have exploded.
39:39Shall we have a look?
39:40I've ripped my trousers.
39:41He's ripped his trousers.
39:42I've ripped my trousers.
39:43I put too much helium in one of the balloons.
39:48So, obviously, we're going to need...
39:51Oh, God, oh, God.
39:52..a bit of a safety helmet.
39:53Do you want me to put this on or do you want to do this?
39:55I'll do it, I'll do it.
39:56You do it.
39:57That's got a little bit of a camera on the front as well.
39:59Oh, OK.
40:00So we've got a nice close-up of your face.
40:03But, er...
40:04Me, I'm scared.
40:05It probably won't happen,
40:06but on the off chance you do drift up very high,
40:08these are quite expensive.
40:09Can you drop that back down again?
40:11We might need it for the standing.
40:13Just before you go, one final thing.
40:15When you land, can you give us a call and let us know how it went?
40:18Because we're really excited.
40:20Let's go for it.
40:21Oh.
40:22Oh.
40:23Are you going?
40:24Oh.
40:25Oh, here we go.
40:26Oh.
40:27Feel free to ask me to hold your hand at any time.
40:29Oh, my God!
40:30It's great, isn't it?
40:31Oh.
40:32Hi.
40:33I just want you to know as well that this is really safe.
40:35We have tried this before.
40:37And, er...
40:38If you're out there, son, can you give your mum a ring?
40:40She's really worried.
40:41LAUGHTER
40:44So, first of all, let's get you in that swimming pool.
40:47Let's get you right in there with the ladies.
40:49In you go.
40:50Right, so, here we go.
40:51Richard's going to go in.
40:52Now, first things first...
40:53Is it cold, ladies?
40:54No, it's not.
40:55LAUGHTER
40:56You f***ing liar!
40:57LAUGHTER
40:58APPLAUSE
41:03And this is why Richard Bailey is not allowed in council swimming pools.
41:07LAUGHTER
41:08Right, now, first things first.
41:09This is the cap we're going to use, but here we go.
41:11Here's another little experiment we found out.
41:13Watch this.
41:14Good way to put your cap on.
41:15Let's fill that cap up.
41:16OK, come and stand a bit closer to me.
41:18Right.
41:19If you just stand there.
41:20Can you just face towards the cameras?
41:22Yeah, here we go.
41:25APPLAUSE
41:27Yeah?
41:28What about that?
41:29APPLAUSE
41:32Right.
41:33OK, ladies, there's the cap.
41:36If you could start stretching that out.
41:41Looks like you're drowning a puppy.
41:43LAUGHTER
41:45This looks like a sex education class has gone really wrong, doesn't it?
41:48LAUGHTER
41:50Right, we're getting close now, we're getting very close.
41:52Now, get ready, get ready.
41:54Right, here we go.
41:55Richard, get inside the cap.
41:56And get your feet in as well.
41:57My feet as well?
41:58Once you're in.
42:00Ooh!
42:02He's in!
42:03He's in! Richard Mabley's in the hat!
42:05APPLAUSE
42:11Richard Mabley in a swimming cap.
42:15That's just about all we have time for.
42:17I'll see you all next time.
42:18Goodnight!
42:19CHEERING
42:23Oh, I'm freezing!
42:25APPLAUSE
42:30Dot Quacks Don't Echo will return next year.
42:32But if you think you might forget,
42:34or you just want to be ahead of the curve,
42:36you can go to sky.com slash nevermiss to register for a reminder.
42:39Over on Sky Arts 1HD,
42:41actor Hugh Bonneville dissects a midsummer night's dream next.
42:45David Walliams and Ralph Fiennes are also interviewed in My Shakespeare.
42:49CHEERING