Duck Quacks Don't Echo. S01 E08.
First broadcast 28th March 2014.
A selection of previously unseen bits and highlights from the series in which Lee Mack tested random bits of trivia with a selection of guests.
Lee Mack
Simon Foster
Emily Grossman
David Wharton
Dara O Briain
Melanie C
Ruth Jones
Olivia Colman
Rhod Gilbert
Paul Hollywood
Sue Perkins
Bob Mortimer
Aston Merrygold
Miranda Hart
Richard Ayoade
Stephen Graham
Sanjeev Bhaskar
John Hannah
Kathy Burke
Jon Richardson
Ricky Tomlinson
Sara Cox
Sir Terry Wogan
Jimmy Carr
Carol Vorderman
A selection of previously unseen bits and highlights from the series in which Lee Mack tested random bits of trivia with a selection of guests.
Lee Mack
Simon Foster
Emily Grossman
David Wharton
Dara O Briain
Melanie C
Ruth Jones
Olivia Colman
Rhod Gilbert
Paul Hollywood
Sue Perkins
Bob Mortimer
Aston Merrygold
Miranda Hart
Richard Ayoade
Stephen Graham
Sanjeev Bhaskar
John Hannah
Kathy Burke
Jon Richardson
Ricky Tomlinson
Sara Cox
Sir Terry Wogan
Jimmy Carr
Carol Vorderman
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:00This is a show about unbelievable facts that you've almost certainly never heard before.
00:25Each of my guests bring their favourite fact to the table and we'll then put them to the
00:28test so let's see who's on tonight's show.
00:31Miranda Hart, Jimmy Carr, Ruth Jones, Ashton Merrigan, Olivia Colman, Paul Hollywood, Daryl
00:40Green, Matthew Burt, Bob Mortimer, John Hanna, Sue Perkins, John Richardson, Richard Ayoade,
00:49So, this show is all about extraordinary but weird facts.
01:02For example, you can change water into ice simply by pouring it from a bottle.
01:08Now here we have a bowl.
01:10If you'd like to get your little sieves and bowls out by the side of your seats.
01:13If you get a bottle of water, I'll tell you why in a minute, but be gentle with the water.
01:17You've got to be quite gentle with it and give it a bit of a wipe.
01:19Gently take the lid off and if you pour your water straight into the sieve, you'll see
01:25that it turns into ice.
01:26Do you look like you think it's a practical joke and it's going to explode?
01:29I don't trust it, to be honest with you.
01:31Right, so if you pour it straight into the sieve and the ice just appears at the bottom
01:34of the sieve.
01:35Look at that.
01:36Wow, look at that.
01:37That's great, isn't it?
01:38That's proper.
01:39It's really doing it.
01:40You said that like you doubted me.
01:42Look at it.
01:43I don't like it.
01:44You don't like it?
01:45No, it's freaky.
01:47Oh, it's like snow.
01:48It is.
01:49It's incredible, isn't it?
01:50Now, the reason this works is that we've used super-cooled water, which is at temperature
01:54below its freezing point, but it's still liquid.
01:57So when you pour it onto the surface, it turns into the ice.
01:59Did you follow that?
02:00Because I didn't.
02:01No.
02:02And I read it out.
02:03And then if you feel, how weird does the ice feel?
02:06Have a feel of that ice.
02:07It's the kind of ice that you would only get on fish fingers that have been in the fridge
02:12since 1999.
02:15Have one of these each.
02:16Are these hard-boiled?
02:17Find out.
02:18Smash it on your head.
02:19Now, these are soft-boiled eggs.
02:20Now, the reason we've put some blue on the top is because this works, but you can't sometimes
02:24see the egg flipping it so quick.
02:26So you'll see that the egg flips.
02:28So, do you know how to flip that egg over without touching it?
02:31Can you touch the glass?
02:32Yeah, you can.
02:33Don't, no.
02:37OK.
02:39That is one way of doing it.
02:43Wait.
02:44No.
02:46No.
02:48Too cocky.
02:50Too cocky.
02:51Let me rephrase the question.
02:52Do you think there's a way of doing this without breaking the egg?
02:54Yeah.
02:55How?
02:56The first time I did it.
02:58The trick with this one is that all you have to do is blow.
03:01You can hold the glass just to stop it blowing away, but you're not actually causing anything.
03:05You just blow down the side of the egg like this.
03:09Ooh, let's try that again.
03:10Let's try that again.
03:11All right.
03:12At least it didn't break.
03:14Well, theirs hasn't broken yet.
03:15Why don't you give them a round of applause?
03:19And they did.
03:20They did.
03:22They're going to be a nice audience.
03:24The trick is to blow down the side bit.
03:26So you blow down.
03:27And it's got to be a short, sharp, like...
03:31Oh!
03:35It kind of works.
03:39Yay!
03:40Thank you.
03:42It's quite impressive.
03:43It is quite good, isn't it?
03:44This is the reason why, if there's a strong wind near Ross Kemp, his head will literally just go out.
03:50It's incredible.
03:52Just put that back.
03:53Just put that back.
03:57So, if you'd like to say one of your berries.
03:59Now, do not eat the pip, and don't chew it.
04:01Just, like, melt it on your tongue and make it all round your mouth, OK?
04:04What does a pip do if you swallow it? You're alarming me.
04:06What happens is you wake up in my cellar...
04:10Make sure it's all round your mouth, OK?
04:12Take the pip out.
04:14Right, now, get a bit of lemon.
04:15You won't believe this.
04:16Get a bit of lemon now.
04:17Taste that lemon.
04:18Oh, wow, it's like sherbet.
04:20Isn't it lovely, that?
04:21Wow, that's mad.
04:23It's like an orange, isn't it?
04:24Yeah.
04:25Are you doing that, Geoff?
04:26No.
04:27Did you put that berry all round your mouth, like you were told, young man?
04:30I think mine's broken.
04:34Try the vinegar, though, now.
04:35It will taste like, honestly, champagne.
04:40Oh, you can drink that, yeah.
04:41Don't drink it, Ricky, don't drink it.
04:45It's nice.
04:46It's a sweet...
04:47No?
04:48Without wishing to lead you down a path, it's fine in the mouth.
04:51Yeah?
04:52You've still got trouble when you swallow it.
05:02Richard, when's your birthday?
05:04Well, I have two birthdays.
05:05I have a Wikipedia birthday.
05:07Oh, do you?
05:08And a birthday.
05:10I kind of want to keep the Wikipedia one.
05:13My Wikipedia birthday is the 12th of June.
05:18Why is it different?
05:19Can you not alter that to put the correct birthday on?
05:21I don't know how Wikipedia works.
05:23Neither do I.
05:24I genuinely, for two years, was Russ Abbott's nephew.
05:26Genuinely.
05:27Really?
05:28Not on Wikipedia.
05:29Never met Russ Abbott.
05:30I believe that.
05:31So your birthday is...
05:32Your real birthday.
05:33What are you, customs?
05:37My birthday is the 25th of December, same as Jesus.
05:39Oh!
05:40Christmas Day, man, are you?
05:41OK, Brenda?
05:4214th of December.
05:4314th of December.
05:44Yeah.
05:45Stephen?
05:463rd of August.
05:473rd of August, close to me, I'm the 4th of August.
05:49Now, if you want to virtually guarantee that at least two people
05:53share the same birthday, how many people do you think we'd need
05:57sat round this table?
05:58Bear in mind, there are obviously 366 possibilities.
06:01Cos you've got the leap year as well.
06:03I'll share with two other people, so three of you.
06:05There's one match.
06:06One match.
06:08One match amongst all the people.
06:10How many people to virtually guarantee it?
06:12About 30.
06:13To be absolutely certain, you'd need 366 people, right?
06:15Cos everyone could have a different birthday.
06:17Yeah.
06:18I literally just said a number.
06:21Help me out, Stephen.
06:2257.
06:2357?
06:24Yeah.
06:25Are you serious?
06:26Yeah.
06:27You've done some working out of stuff and shit.
06:29You're not going to believe this.
06:30To virtually guarantee it, you need 57 people.
06:33Oh.
06:34You have done some working out.
06:35Did you just read that on my autocue?
06:38LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
06:44I tell you what, you can take the man out of Liverpool.
06:48OK, sorry.
06:49Well, that was...
06:50Yeah, so the question...
06:51All right, I'll rephrase the question.
06:52Can you read from ten metres?
06:53Yeah.
06:54Yeah, you can.
06:55So, let's try this out.
06:56We've marked out a section of our audience
06:58and in that audience there are 57 people.
07:00Could these 57 people give us a wave?
07:02Where are you?
07:03Hello, wavers.
07:04Now, if this fact is true, two of them will share the same birthday.
07:07So, under your chairs,
07:08you should find a piece of card and a pen.
07:10Jot down your birthday.
07:11Write it down nice and big.
07:13Well, big enough that he can read it from here.
07:15LAUGHTER
07:17What's interesting, I think,
07:18you need 366 people to make it 100%,
07:21which would be 99-point-something.
07:23You only need 57 people.
07:2457.
07:25You know that, right?
07:26Yeah, yeah.
07:27OK, so you're born in January.
07:28Hold up your piece of paper.
07:30So, see if you've got any matches there.
07:31The 4th, the 10th, the 6th?
07:32No.
07:33February?
07:34We've got a 14th, a 19th, a 7th and a 7th.
07:37We've got a match.
07:38We have a 7th match.
07:39Well, I can stop you there.
07:40That is fact-proved.
07:41CHEERING
07:43So, let's get started.
07:44For our first round,
07:45each of the guests have brought in their favourite facts
07:47and we have to decide who's is best.
07:49It's time for Fact Off.
07:50APPLAUSE
07:53Next up, Sarah Potts,
07:54what facts have you got for us?
07:56OK, so, picture the scene, Lee, OK?
07:58You're moving towards a lair death.
08:00She's not a relative.
08:02Careful.
08:03And she's willing.
08:04She's willing and she's not a relative.
08:06Yeah, you've got to use your imagination.
08:07I did say that.
08:08I did say that.
08:09OK.
08:10You move in and you're about to kiss.
08:12Yes.
08:13And you will move your head to the right
08:15because two-thirds of people move their head naturally
08:17to the right when they kiss.
08:20Two-thirds of people move their head to the right
08:22when they kiss?
08:23Yeah.
08:25So, that's interesting.
08:26It's nice, isn't it?
08:27So, try it.
08:28Two-thirds is quite...
08:29I would have thought it was 50-50.
08:30Imagine this is a lady.
08:31I've been doing that all my life.
08:32LAUGHTER
08:34APPLAUSE
08:41Oh, you've got lovely eyes, John.
08:43Let's have a kiss.
08:44This is freaking me out.
08:45Oh, is it?
08:46Yes.
08:47That wasn't helpful, was it?
08:48He's had a very unfortunate incident
08:49with rod holonemia again.
08:50LAUGHTER
08:52So, do you know, when you say there are certain dances,
08:54do you know what these certain dances are?
08:56Well, it's...
08:57LAUGHTER
08:59Some people are very much dance-based,
09:01waist and above, if that makes sense.
09:04You ever see people when they just kind of stand still
09:06and they'll be like...
09:08And they...
09:09It's all here.
09:10That's weird.
09:11It is weird.
09:12But some people...
09:13Yeah, but to be fair,
09:14if you've got two broken legs,
09:15that's all you can do, isn't it?
09:16LAUGHTER
09:17What are you doing in a disco or a club if...
09:19I said disco.
09:20LAUGHTER
09:21You've said the word.
09:22You're not at a discotheque.
09:23What are you doing if you've got two smashed legs?
09:25I'm looking for the balance for the broken legs.
09:27LAUGHTER
09:28You're just busting out there.
09:29I'm busting out my moves.
09:30Right.
09:31Fractionite.
09:32Fractionite at the disco.
09:33LAUGHTER
09:36Did any of you lot,
09:37were you ever told when you were young
09:39that you should eat lots of brisket
09:40before you go to a disco?
09:41All the time.
09:42LAUGHTER
09:43To help you with your dancing.
09:44What's brisket?
09:45It's a cheap...
09:46Even I'm a bit lost on that.
09:47Cheap steak.
09:48Cheap steak.
09:49Cheap steak.
09:50It's a cheap cook.
09:51You need to cook it long and slow.
09:52Yes, slow-roast that.
09:53Why would you need that before you go to a disco?
09:54I don't know.
09:55Apparently it releases the power into your legs
09:56and you get your moves going.
09:57So you think...
09:58So, Aston, there's certain moves
10:00you're thinking possibly some people would find that.
10:02Give me another example of a move
10:03that women might find attractive.
10:04Basically, just bloody dance for us.
10:06I don't dance any more.
10:08I would really...
10:09Oh, yeah, well, you're at that age, 25.
10:11It's not easy, is it?
10:12LAUGHTER
10:13I think, because it's what women find attractive,
10:16it would really help me,
10:17if you're talking about dancing,
10:18see your musculature.
10:20So if you took your top off and did it,
10:22I would be able to judge better.
10:24CHEERING
10:25Yeah.
10:26Say Univuga first.
10:28LAUGHTER
10:30Can you dance, Lee?
10:31Can I dance?
10:32Yeah.
10:33Nope.
10:34LAUGHTER
10:35I can...
10:36You know, I've been known to moonwalk.
10:37Can you moonwalk?
10:38Can I stand on this?
10:39CHEERING
10:40Yes!
10:41CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
10:47Here we go.
10:48Which way? Hold on, which...
10:49Oh.
10:50LAUGHTER
10:51APPLAUSE
10:58CHEERING
11:04You can.
11:05I've been known to do a few moves.
11:07Some of you must find that attractive.
11:09Dad dancing.
11:10LAUGHTER
11:11Don't you ever patronise me again.
11:13LAUGHTER
11:16My fact is,
11:17you can correctly guess the gender
11:19of a fellow human being
11:21simply by smelling their breath.
11:24Don't be ridiculous.
11:26LAUGHTER
11:27Well, with your eyes closed.
11:29Otherwise, there's another...
11:31LAUGHTER
11:32There's a much easier system.
11:34I once smelt a taxi driver's bogey.
11:36LAUGHTER
11:37Oh, my God.
11:38It was in Greece.
11:39I was sitting in the front,
11:41in the passenger seat,
11:43and some girlfriend's behind,
11:45all on a jolly holiday,
11:47and he kept doing things like this.
11:49He was like,
11:51and he kept doing things like this.
11:53You're me.
11:54OK.
11:55Tit's here.
11:56LAUGHTER
11:57And he would go,
11:58oh, look at that lake over there.
12:00He was horrible in every way.
12:02Yeah.
12:03And then,
12:04he just started excavating a very large bogey.
12:06As he removed it...
12:07Oh.
12:08..his stench came out.
12:10I love your order of priorities.
12:12That anecdote is about a man
12:14who had smelly bogeys whilst he was molesting you.
12:16He didn't smell my bogey.
12:18LAUGHTER
12:19He didn't speak a word of English, but I just went,
12:21FUCK OFF MY TITS!
12:23LAUGHTER
12:25APPLAUSE
12:29You all right, Andy? Yeah, all good, thanks.
12:31OK. Andy? Yes, sir?
12:33I kiss you, but I can't get past this.
12:35Oh, down bubbles.
12:37Do you know the good thing about this is after the show,
12:39we won't have to get him a taxi home, we can just post him.
12:41You look like the worst world superhero,
12:43well-packaged man.
12:45Actually, that's quite a good thing to be, isn't it, Will?
12:48I'm well-packaged, man.
12:52Give him a little pop. Just worry him.
12:54That's what he wants to hear.
12:56LAUGHTER
12:58Yeah, you'll be fine, don't worry, we're just popping a few of these...
13:00Oh, hello.
13:02It is quite relaxing, isn't it?
13:04LAUGHTER
13:06Here we go, I'm going to count you in.
13:08OK. OK.
13:10Please let this work.
13:12I'm starting to think that joke about popping the bubbles now,
13:14we might have gone a bit too far.
13:17Right, Terry, I'll count you in and you pull the rope.
13:19Here we go. Three, two, one, go!
13:23CHEERING
13:35So, Terry, you were right,
13:37you can survive a ten-foot drop
13:39if you are wrapped in 75 metres
13:41of bubble wrap.
13:43And let's hear it for Andy Wareham!
13:46Well done, Andy, well done.
14:00Welcome back to Claps Don't Echo,
14:02the show that puts extraordinary facts to the test.
14:04Still with me are Ruth Jones, Melanie See
14:06and Dara O Briain.
14:10Dara, you're up first, what's your fact?
14:12My fact is, touching somebody's upper arm
14:14doesn't mean you get what you want from them.
14:16Does it have to be which arm?
14:18No, no, it doesn't, I don't think there's any particular preference.
14:20It just, you know, it just means the creation
14:22of a little bit of intimacy,
14:24just breaking down the little barrier,
14:26nothing too saucy, nothing to cup the boob.
14:28I'm just saying, that's possibly lingering.
14:32Now I feel like I should be doing a gun show.
14:36But, yeah, just a slightest of,
14:38I'm sorry, whichever, you wouldn't,
14:40you know, that little touch like that
14:43would markedly increase your chances
14:45of getting what you want.
14:47OK, let's try this out.
14:49Ruth, touch me on the top of the arm
14:51and ask if I'll sleep with you.
14:55Oh, I'll tell you what,
14:57that was so sexy, it's too late.
15:05There's so much more to this as well.
15:07It's such a lesson learned, because in the kitchen,
15:09you know when you're having your butter,
15:12What, with your finger?
15:16Sorry, are you treating butter
15:18like some sort of treat?
15:20Are you a family of mice?
15:24What, with your finger?
15:26What else would you use?
15:28A knife?
15:30I don't think so, you use a knife for your meat.
15:32Are you in the zoo?
15:38Yeah, but you're just proving the point
15:41that that's the natural way.
15:43How many butters do you have?
15:45Are you like a butter connoisseur,
15:47you need to go through all the butters?
15:49I usually have three or four different butters, yeah.
15:51So you don't put them out on the table
15:53and say, butters, anyone?
15:55No, that's cheese.
15:57You don't have a butter board,
15:59you have a cheese board.
16:01So you don't have butter with your bread?
16:03I have butter with my bread,
16:05but I'm old school, right?
16:07I get a knife, I put the butter in the knife,
16:09and I go, I'm going to use this.
16:11But it's the volume of butter.
16:13Do you have a Normandy?
16:15Yeah, I do have a Normandy.
16:19That's a lovely Irish.
16:21It's like watching the three stages of showbiz,
16:23new, losing it, gone.
16:27Let's see what Richard's fact is.
16:31Three-year-olds cannot lie.
16:35Three-year-olds can't lie?
16:38What do you mean, they can't lie?
16:40They lack the... They're idiots, basically.
16:44They're a bunch of idiots, three-year-olds,
16:46and they can't lie to save their lives.
16:50So they haven't got the capabilities?
16:52They lack the mental ability.
16:54Do they try and lie and then just sort of,
16:56you can see on their face that they...
16:58I'm not allowed near children.
17:00Right.
17:02So it's part of the terms of my release package
17:04that I do have to say that.
17:07So you literally can't lie as a three-year-old?
17:09Can you lie as a two-year-old?
17:11Yeah, it's a blip at three.
17:15Where they just become very honest at two,
17:17they're into fraud,
17:19they're into misleading you,
17:21they're fiddling taxes.
17:23Three, attack of conscience,
17:25get to nowhere, four, fuck it,
17:27back.
17:29Now, obviously, we're going to need
17:31some ladies to demonstrate on,
17:33so please welcome our lovely Shona and Lauren,
17:36if you'd like to come up here.
17:38APPLAUSE
17:40Now, here we go.
17:42So I press this button.
17:44Sorry, I'm new to domestic housework.
17:46I believe I press this button.
17:48Right.
17:50I hope we get this right.
17:52Are you ready?
17:54LAUGHTER
17:56CHEERING
17:58APPLAUSE
18:00Now...
18:02I'd like to swap over.
18:04I'm going to be a bit more ambitious this time.
18:06We're going to go for some bunches, OK?
18:08Here we go.
18:10The double bunches.
18:14Wow.
18:18CHEERING
18:24Actually, let Ruth have a go.
18:26Do the bunch right on top of the head.
18:28Do the top one.
18:30We'll go upside down for this one.
18:33The amount of times I've said to a woman with a hoover in me hand,
18:35we're going upside down for this one.
18:41Oh, oh, oh!
18:43LAUGHTER
18:49She's got a gentle touch, this one.
18:53Let's try again. Go on.
18:55I'm not happy until your head comes off.
18:57Here we go.
18:59That's it, that's it.
19:02That'll do.
19:04APPLAUSE
19:08I had an amazing cab driver in Dublin who was...
19:10I go into the cab and there was a little sign saying,
19:13I am deaf.
19:15He said, I'm going to the hotel in the middle of town.
19:18And he said, he sort of turned... He went, no, no problem at all.
19:21And I got talking to him a little bit and he said he lip-reads.
19:24How he communicates is he lip-reads.
19:26And normally when people get in the back of the car,
19:28he's not interested.
19:31So we had a conversation the whole way.
19:33It was terrifying.
19:35Because he drove the whole way...
19:40Go on, what were you saying there?
19:42And he had to lip-read the whole way
19:44and he couldn't do it in the mirror,
19:46cos it was like upside down talking.
19:48I'll tell you what, it doesn't surprise me
19:50that one of your biggest fans is deaf.
19:53APPLAUSE
20:00So, Melanie, if your fact is true,
20:02then this should be pretty simple.
20:04Here we have a load of puppies.
20:06AUDIENCE GROANS
20:08Yes, they're cute.
20:10Well, they're going straight back to Spattersea Dogs' home.
20:12Can I just say, we had a gag lined up there,
20:14but as the camera panned over, he did a massive poo.
20:18Now, I can't do it with a massive poo in vision,
20:21because at the moment of the punchline...
20:23I can't!
20:30I'm not just saying this,
20:32last night we had Johnny Vegas on the show,
20:34exactly the same problem.
20:36These puppies have been...
20:38I'm trying to work out, cos I'm worried now,
20:40cos you said you had an allergy,
20:42I'm trying to work out if you're giggling
20:44or you're having some sort of attack.
20:46Not again!
20:49LAUGHTER
20:51He's going to do one, he's getting ready to do one.
20:55Jesus Christ.
20:59Who's the father, Mr Whippy?
21:04Now, Jake is even more unique,
21:06because not only can he sneeze with his eyes open,
21:08he doesn't even have to use his hands.
21:11If there's anything you want me to stick up there, let me know.
21:16Are you getting the sensation...
21:19He's looking up to the lights.
21:21It's coming.
21:25That was impressive.
21:27Let me have a look at that in slow motion.
21:29That was absolutely brilliant.
21:35Well, there you go.
21:37Sanjeev, you're right.
21:39It really is possible to sneeze with your eyes open.
21:41Let's hear it for our sneezers!
21:44APPLAUSE
21:48OK, so we've tested Sanjeev's fact,
21:50but how impressed were you, Kathy?
21:52Can I tell you something really disgusting?
21:54This isn't going to cost me £2.50 a minute, as usual, is it?
21:59I don't know what happened, but years ago,
22:01and I think I was a bit drunk, anyway,
22:03and I had...
22:05I was eating an onion bhaji...
22:07LAUGHTER
22:09..and something happened, and I coughed...
22:12..and I felt a bit of the onion here,
22:15and it was like...
22:17And I thought I had a bit of...
22:19You know when it gets long and stringy
22:21because it's all in the batter?
22:23And I coughed again.
22:25I promise you this is true.
22:27Felt something then sort of behind here.
22:29And I went like that.
22:33And I got it,
22:35and I pulled out from my nose there,
22:37and I felt it come from there.
22:40There.
22:42And out my nose.
22:44APPLAUSE
22:47This is ridiculous.
22:49I feel like I've opened the most niche gym in the world.
22:51Right, are you ready?
22:53I'm going to take you up now to 18.
22:55Here we go.
22:57Is that how fast he's going, is it?
22:59The equivalent of, yeah.
23:01The equivalent, yeah, obviously.
23:03Right, here we go.
23:05Get ready to grab these sides if you fall.
23:07What happened now?
23:09Keep going, just going to get faster.
23:11Don't panic.
23:13Get ready to hold the sides, you might flip.
23:15Go on, son, come on!
23:17Keep going, keep going!
23:19APPLAUSE
23:23Still going strong.
23:25APPLAUSE
23:31APPLAUSE
23:33APPLAUSE
23:37Welcome back to Duck, Wax, Don't, Echo,
23:39the show that's all about learning things
23:41that you never thought you needed to know.
23:43It's time for Fact Finder.
23:45APPLAUSE
23:47It's not just my guests who've drawn facts,
23:49we've also asked our studio audience
23:51to bring in their favourite two.
23:53During the break, Olivia, Rod and Paul
23:55each picked out the one fact that they think is the best
23:57and will win them the most points.
23:59Right, Rod, it's your turn. Who have you chosen?
24:01Aileen Davali-King.
24:03Aileen Davali...
24:05That's not my nickname for her, that's her name.
24:07Aileen Davali-King.
24:09It's not like a wrestling name, is it?
24:11Imagine if she stood up and she was huge.
24:13Aileen Davali-King!
24:15That's her name.
24:17It's Aileen Davali-King.
24:19Aileen Davali-King, look at those arms.
24:21There she is, Aileen Davali-King.
24:23Aileen, what's your name?
24:25That's my real name.
24:27Aileen Davali-King.
24:29Because Davali-King does sound a little bit like a euphemism,
24:31if you don't mind me saying.
24:35Well, Lee, as you and Paul are my ideal threesome,
24:37then maybe it might be.
24:39Really? Sorry, Rod.
24:41Don't stop, carry on talking.
24:43See this is your favourite threesome, yeah?
24:45Say threesome, just me and you, he's downstairs cooking.
24:47Oh, Rod!
24:53So that's what we all think of Sir Terry's chosen audience fact,
24:55but obviously we couldn't test all these facts,
24:57so instead we have a special panel of...
25:01I think I see them over there.
25:03I just turned into that bloke from Catch the Pigeon, didn't I?
25:07At this point you should go,
25:09oh no, I think he's trying to read the autocue.
25:13So that's what we all think of Sir Terry's chosen audience fact,
25:15but obviously we couldn't test all these facts,
25:17so instead we have a special panel of boffins.
25:19So, please welcome rocket scientist Dr Simon Foster,
25:21expert in cell biology and genetics Dr Emily Grossman,
25:23and chemical engineer David Wharton.
25:25It's our Verifiers!
25:27APPLAUSE
25:29So, are we all right, Verifiers?
25:31Very well, thanks.
25:33The big question is, is there any truth in this?
25:35Well, in general, yes.
25:37The paler your skin tone,
25:39the lighter, paler pink your lips and your nipples.
25:41So, yes, kind of true,
25:43but there's huge variation,
25:45and in fact your nipples can even change colour during your lifetime.
25:47Whoa, whoa, whoa.
25:49How extreme can this change be?
25:51I mean, from what to what?
25:53Well, from sort of pink to brown.
25:55No, they can't do the full traffic lights.
25:57That would be good, wouldn't it?
25:59If a bloke was touching up a woman
26:01and it went from green to red.
26:03Oh, it's gone amber. She needs a minute to herself.
26:07Time out.
26:11Why do I have nipples?
26:13I know this is off the topic,
26:15but why have I got nipples?
26:17And I kind of like them.
26:19I don't know why.
26:21Even I know this.
26:23I hope I've got this right.
26:25Well, men can lactate.
26:27That's true, right?
26:29If they meet the right woman.
26:31Men have been known to lactate.
26:33But not from there.
26:35Yes, from there, Jimmy.
26:37Men have been known to lactate,
26:39and apparently in the old times,
26:41I'm talking like the 1960s,
26:43men used to help with the breastfeeding.
26:45That's what I heard in the prehistoric times.
26:47Have you heard this?
26:49Don't make me look an idiot in front of my guests.
26:51Who told you that?
26:53Men have been known to lactate.
26:55Wasn't someone in the pub told you that, Lee?
26:57My wife told me when she was sick of breastfeeding.
26:59Well, men have been known to lactate.
27:01You must have heard.
27:03Who's heard that men can lactate?
27:05Don't leave me hanging. Somebody help me.
27:07Men have been known...
27:09There is videos on YouTube of men lactating.
27:11Get your credit card out and have a look, I'm telling you.
27:13Let's go to a panel of experts.
27:15Can men lactate?
27:17It's slightly imbalanced, so they've got a higher level of...
27:19It might have been a woman with really small tits.
27:21LAUGHTER
27:23LAUGHTER
27:25Honestly, men have been known.
27:27It's not...
27:29Men have been known...
27:31All right, then what are nipples for?
27:33What are nipples for?
27:35I don't know. I asked you first.
27:37LAUGHTER
27:39Why is it when you touch a lady's boob,
27:41in your mind it goes...
27:43Why is that, from a scientific point of view?
27:45Well, actually...
27:47What's making that noise in your head when you touch a boob?
27:49Jimmy, I'm even more childish than you.
27:51When I touch a lady's boob, it actually does make that noise
27:53because I've got a horn in my pocket.
27:55LAUGHTER
27:57I sort of think you'd notice.
27:59Maybe that's what happened to dinosaurs,
28:01they just stopped noticing.
28:03You think that's how they died out?
28:05Well, isn't that one of the things, actually,
28:07that they stopped feeling that things were eating their feet
28:09and stuff like that?
28:11Eating their feet?
28:13That's an amazing fact.
28:15You know that old myth about the asteroid?
28:17Not true.
28:19Turns out they stopped feeling their own feet
28:21and things were eating their feet.
28:23I am sure I've heard this before.
28:25What are you talking about?
28:27Well, their whole nervous system disintegrated
28:29to a point where they didn't realise
28:31that they would have infections and bacteria and parasites
28:33and things were basically eating them
28:35because it was so far away from their brain.
28:37I don't know, I'll go ask an expert.
28:39For God's sake, don't ask me,
28:41I really hope it's true,
28:43the dinosaurs died out
28:45because they stopped feeling that smaller creatures
28:47were eating them without them realising.
28:49That would be the greatest thing that's ever been said on this show.
28:51Could happen, it could have happened.
28:53It's actually what happened,
28:55it could be true, it's actually what happened to my gran.
28:57She did realise, she lost sensation of feet
28:59and my granddad ate her.
29:03Hello, Neil. Hello.
29:05And where are you from? Dubai.
29:07Did you really come from Dubai? Yes.
29:09To see this? No.
29:11Don't patronise me, no.
29:15Neil, are you a pilot?
29:17Sorry? Are you a pilot? No.
29:19What do you do in Dubai?
29:21Is this a quiz show?
29:23No, I just think you may be my father.
29:35What do you do in Dubai?
29:37I don't know whether I can tell you, that's the problem.
29:39Why?
29:41Because you're pissed?
29:43Maybe he's just a very shit spy.
29:47I work for a very large, multinational company.
29:49McDonald's.
29:57So what's your favourite kind of McDonald's?
29:59I love the Big Mac.
30:01I mean, I know it's boring, but I just love it, I think it's great.
30:03OK, so what's your fact?
30:05My fact is that
30:07men develop
30:09belly button fluff
30:11and women don't.
30:13Oh...
30:15OK.
30:17Why do men...
30:19Are you going from experience?
30:21It's from personal experience
30:23and extensive research.
30:27Look at him, hands on his hips,
30:29in linen,
30:31right in from Dubai,
30:33combing the belly buttons of every woman he's ever met.
30:37Daddy, take me away from here.
30:41Neil, why did you walk away from me?
30:51Matt Johnson.
30:53Matt Johnson, where are you?
30:55What is your fact?
30:57A bee's anus tastes like raspberry.
31:01I love it.
31:05A beaver's anus tastes like raspberry.
31:07Apparently so.
31:09I thought you said a bee's anus.
31:11Never, never put your tongue near a bee's anus.
31:15That's rule number one.
31:17Whereas a beaver, you're straight up...
31:19A beaver, that's fine.
31:21How do they know?
31:23That's the main question, how do you know?
31:25A friend of mine...
31:27A friend of mine dressed as a beaver.
31:29Sorry, carry on.
31:31It's his interesting fact, every time he has a drink,
31:33he has to say that a beaver's anus tastes like raspberry.
31:35Well, it's ironic, actually.
31:37I've tried a couple of fruit tarts on bake-off
31:39topped with raspberries that actually taste like a beaver's anus.
31:45How are you?
31:47Fine, thanks, you?
31:49I'm very well, thank you, yes.
31:51And not many people bother asking back.
31:53I was quite thrown by your interest.
31:55Where are you from, Jamie?
31:57I'm from Hinckley in Leicestershire.
31:59Oh, very nice. And what do you do?
32:01I'm a forklift driver.
32:03Forklift driver? Oh, very good.
32:05Ever dropped anything on anyone's toe?
32:07My stack fell over.
32:09Your what fell over?
32:11I got a triple stack and it fell over.
32:13You did a triple stack and it fell over?
32:15Yeah, pretty much.
32:17Can you talk in non-forklift driver's terms?
32:19What's a triple stack?
32:21I had...
32:23Forks.
32:25All right, the forks.
32:27I suppose the clue is in the title.
32:29OK, the forks, you smart-arse.
32:33So you had three things on the fork.
32:35I was stacking it.
32:37I put the first one in, put the second one in, put the third one in.
32:39Went for a break, came back, the stack's fallen over.
32:41And the stack's fallen over? You didn't stack it properly?
32:43I was told to triple stack and I shouldn't have done.
32:45What's the most amount of stacks you've ever done?
32:49I think I've gone five high.
32:51Five high?
32:55We've only got ourselves a five high stacker, ladies and gentlemen.
33:01So, OK, well, it sounds like that's true.
33:03And of course, Dr Emily knows what she's talking about
33:05because Dr Emily Grossman, let me tell you,
33:07is an expert on the human genome.
33:09Is it genome? Genome.
33:11The human genome. The garden genome.
33:13The genome.
33:15No, Dr Emily is an expert on the human genome,
33:17DNA and cell division, which coincidentally
33:19I am also an expert on the human genome, DNA and cell division.
33:23Really? Sorry, no, I mean, sausages.
33:27Where are you from, Alison? I'm from Luton.
33:29Luton? And what do you do in Luton?
33:31I'm administration officer for a software company.
33:33I love the fact that you're looking at the mic as you speak.
33:37I love the fact that you're living in some sort of 14th century world
33:39where you think, I'd better look right into the magic machine
33:41otherwise it'll never work and it might take my soul.
33:45So, no, you can look at me, it's fine.
33:47Give me some body language like you like me.
33:49That'll be fantastic.
33:51So, sorry, what do you...
33:55That's a lot of body language.
33:59Now, tell us, what's your interesting fact?
34:01Peeing while sitting allows for a longer and healthier sex life.
34:05Peeing when sitting down?
34:07Why would that...
34:09Sorry, do you mean for women or do you mean...
34:11Obviously for women. Women are always sitting down.
34:13Sorry, hang on, there's no choice for women.
34:15You know, cos really,
34:17those women who stand squatting over the toilet
34:19have fewer sexual partners than...
34:23So you're talking about men, obviously.
34:25Cos women, women are famous for sitting down.
34:27Unless you're...
34:29Are you talking about... You're not going to mention the shiwi, are you?
34:31You know the shiwi?
34:33I was thinking of the shiwi.
34:35Cos I only found out what this was. I genuinely...
34:37Do you know what a shiwi is?
34:39I genuinely so recently thought a shiwi was a transsexual kiwi.
34:41Is there any reason why they're having a healthier sex life?
34:45Well, I got that from my dad.
34:57And I don't want to say this, but you brought it up.
34:59Has your dad got a healthy sex life?
35:01Yes.
35:03OK, I'm trying to work out,
35:05but did your dad give any reason for why he thought
35:07that that would be the case?
35:09I'm not sure.
35:11But I do get...
35:13When I... My partners, I kind of get them to
35:15sit on the toilet seat.
35:17Is your partner here tonight?
35:19No, I'm single.
35:27OK, we've tested Jon.
35:31I don't mind you're interrupting.
35:33It was when you kept saying sorry every time you interrupted
35:35I thought, is this going to go on all night?
35:37Sorry. Sorry. Sorry.
35:39No, I'm really sorry.
35:41Honestly, I accept your apology.
35:43Sorry.
35:45So, we've heard the facts, but how many points
35:47will our verifiers give them?
35:49After the break... Give them?
35:51Who am I?
35:53I'm picking up on your accent.
35:55How many points will our verifiers give them?
35:57So, we've heard the facts, but how many points
35:59will our verifiers give them?
36:01After the break, we'll find out who picked the best one
36:03and whether Sanjeev, Cathy or Jon
36:05will win tonight's show.
36:15Welcome back. So, before the break, each of our guests
36:17chose their favourite fact from the audience.
36:19We've found out whether each fact is true,
36:21but who will get the most points and who will win
36:23tonight's show? Let's find out.
36:25OK, Sarah Cox in third place,
36:27Ricky Tomlinson in second, but tonight's winner
36:29with 29 points, Jon Richardson.
36:31APPLAUSE
36:33Welcome, Jon.
36:35You've won tonight's Scar Prize,
36:37the chance to help me prove
36:39my very own fact, and here it is.
36:41When you're scared, you literally get
36:43cold feet.
36:45It's time for Max Fact.
36:47APPLAUSE
36:49Now helping me is our researcher,
36:51Ali. He'll be monitoring
36:53foot temperature throughout.
36:55What's the temperature, Ali? 27.5.
36:57So, the readout is telling us that your feet are
36:5927.5 degrees, and that is because
37:01you're nice and cosy and relaxed.
37:03But not for long.
37:05It's time to introduce some fear.
37:07Are you ready for some fear, Jon?
37:09Some more fear, yeah.
37:11OK, I want you to...
37:13See, that's what I meant.
37:15Jon, you won't be able to see what's in here,
37:17but for the audience and people at home,
37:19let's find out what you're going to be confronted with.
37:21OK?
37:25Can I do it with a fist?
37:27Yeah, another Jon Richardson chat-up line.
37:33Ah!
37:35There you go. Go on, go in. Go in with your fingers.
37:37Get your hand in.
37:39I mean, you can't rush a man.
37:41If you want me to...
37:43Just fuck...
37:47Just...
37:49Can you tell them to shut up?
37:51That's not helping!
37:53I can see his face!
37:55He's twice the size of me, that guy,
37:57and he just went...
38:01Go on, go on, go on. It's fine, it's fine.
38:03Get your hand in, get your hand in.
38:05Put your hand down, put your hand down.
38:07Hand down, put your hand down.
38:09Now your fingers. Wiggle your fingers a bit.
38:15Can I just ask, what would you be most scared of?
38:17Spiders. OK, well, you're lucky it's not a spider.
38:19Right. OK.
38:21I can guarantee it's not a spider.
38:23It's definitely not a spider.
38:25It might be a spider.
38:27Do you want me to do it first? Yeah.
38:29OK. I'm happy to do it.
38:31There you go. Right, now it's your turn.
38:33Here we go.
38:35Straight in. I really hate this.
38:37Just straight in. And I hate you for doing it to me.
38:39Thank you. I have that effect on people.
38:41Get your hand in there.
38:43Go on, get in there. Get in, get your hand in, get in.
38:45Go on, go on, Jon. Get your hand right down there.
38:47Let your fingers out, let your fingers out a bit.
38:49Aw!
38:51It's bunnies or something, isn't it?
38:57What's the temperature there?
38:59It's 21.6.
39:0121.6!
39:03Which means a total drop of 5.9 degrees.
39:05So you've proved my fact
39:07that your feet get colder when you're scared.
39:11All right, you ready, Jimmy?
39:13No.
39:15Is there anything you'd like to say to your family
39:17or anything before we do it?
39:19No.
39:21OK.
39:23Now, lads, lads, can I just say...
39:25It's not as frightening as I thought it was going to be.
39:27It's actually OK.
39:29Hang on, that's a bit close, isn't it?
39:31I've got a bigger nose than him.
39:33Right, take your hands down. Here we go.
39:35Three, two, one.
39:37OK, go.
39:39Oh!
39:41Oh!
39:43APPLAUSE
39:49I've just had my teeth done.
39:51I imagine my dentist was watching this going,
39:53oh, my God, this could be a new holiday.
39:55To be honest with you, Jim,
39:57your teeth look like they could smash the anvil.
40:01So, team,
40:03welcome to my secret garage.
40:05This is where I always bring the guests after the show to kill them.
40:07If you look above you,
40:09you will see there is an enormous piece of kit dangling,
40:11and that is called a Tesla coil,
40:13and that is what is going to shoot
40:15over 375,000 volts of electricity
40:17directly at this car,
40:19which we will be sat in.
40:21So how do we feel, Bob?
40:23Well, I'll be honest with you,
40:25I can't wait, can I, sir?
40:31Do you know this is how they get Bruce Forsythe
40:33to work in the morning?
40:37This sounds like every crack on Radio 1 after midnight.
40:41I feel like this is the worst talking session I've ever been to.
40:43This is the worst talking session I've ever been to.
40:47So, John, these spade handles are attached to the fire extinguishers
40:49and should send us flying.
40:51I should point out that there's no brakes on this.
40:53So we've got a whole bunch of people
40:55standing by to act as human shields.
40:59So we've got a whole lot of people standing by
41:01acting as human shields.
41:03So we've got a load of people standing by
41:05making sure we don't bang into the walls.
41:09Like human shields.
41:11Can I say something before we start?
41:13Why is it some people can just carry anything off?
41:15You genuinely, even dressed like that, look quite cool.
41:19Yeah, I look like they're making Wallace and Gromit into a movie.
41:23Right, are you ready?
41:25Yep.
41:27Right, let's turn these leaf blowers on and fire them up.
41:29Holy!
41:33OK.
41:35Whoa!
41:37Ah!
41:41Ah!
41:45Ah!
41:49I feel like this is a very, very weird dream.
41:53Yeah, it feels like I could have a little practice
41:55at table tennis now.
41:57Imagine if you'd have gone to a beauty salon
41:59and they were doing this. You'd really feel ripped off, wouldn't you?
42:01That would be one Brazilian.
42:05Now,
42:07this flamethrower shoots out a deadly
42:09one-foot flame.
42:11It takes years to master one of these,
42:13and I had half an hour in the car park,
42:15so I think you'll be all right, Miranda.
42:17Oh, it's really...
42:19This is genuinely the first time they've let me
42:21hold a blowtorch since the incident.
42:25Genuinely, this is true.
42:27This is why it took six weeks to cremate Humpty Dumpty.
42:39Oh,
42:41this is how they'd climb Everest
42:43if they had an extension lead long enough.
42:45Oh, my God.
42:47I'm not getting very far.
42:53Argh!
43:01Argh!
43:09Argh!
43:19Argh!
43:21I tell you what,
43:23Spider-Man makes it look easy.
43:27So there you have it.
43:29A human ready-to-cancel world
43:31using household vacuums.
43:35And while I'm up here,
43:37this is probably the point where I should say,
43:39do not try this at home.
43:45And Lee Mack will be back,
43:47so to make sure you don't miss the return of Duck, Quacks,
43:49Don't Echo, head to sky.com
43:51slash nevermiss.
43:53Next on Sky When HD,
43:55catch up with the finale of Moonboy.
44:07Thank you.
44:09Thank you.