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00:00Musique classique
00:12Sonnerie de téléphone
00:14Hello?
00:15Jay, this is your ex-wife.
00:17Your alimony check is 18 minutes late.
00:20No, 19 minutes.
00:22That's it, I'm calling my lawyer.
00:24Musique classique
00:44Musique classique
00:54It stinks!
00:56Musique classique
01:07I've got to tell you, I hated that scene in Jurassic Park
01:10where you spit poison in the obnoxious fat guy's face.
01:14Musique classique
01:17I did not see that coming.
01:19Musique classique
01:34Oh, hello.
01:36Welcome to our thousandth show.
01:38Wow, a thousand shows.
01:40In that time, we've seen Sylvester Stallone rise and fall,
01:43rise and fall,
01:45fall further, and then somehow rise again.
01:47Who could survive Rhinestone? He's not human, I tell you!
01:50Anyway, let's look at some clips.
01:52The first is my legendary interview with Cher.
01:55You no good!
01:57Musique classique
01:58You, you piece of...
02:00Kiss my wife, feminine, toned and tattooed...
02:02Musique classique
02:04A very classy lady.
02:07Now, to help me celebrate my thousandth show,
02:09we have a very special guest, Meryl....
02:12Streep cancelled!
02:13Merrily we roll along to a commercial.
02:17Don't worry.
02:19We have TV's Batman, Adam West standing by.
02:21Adam West?
02:22What the hell am I going to say to Adam well?
02:25I'll say thank you for the years of laughter and tears.
02:28What tears would those be?
02:29Why, tears of laughter.
02:34Tell us all about your amazing film career.
02:35Well, Jay, one of my most amazing films is The Happy Hooker Goes Hollywood. It came out in 1980. It's one I'm sure you enjoyed all the way to the end.
02:43All right. Thank you. We're out of time.
02:45I just got here.
02:46Coming up next, Lorne Green. Lorne Green's dead.
02:49Man, I wish I had his agent.
03:00The place is empty.
03:02Are you sure you sent out enough invitations?
03:04We sent them to everyone who's ever worked in film or television.
03:07Did you ever hear of a thing called radio?
03:09Fibber McGee sent you this fruit basket.
03:13Oh, and you also got this card from your makeup lady.
03:15Dear Mr. Sherman, if it weren't for an untimely death in my family, I would have been at your party. Doris.
03:21Come on, spare!
03:25Yes!
03:27Son, you're losing it. There was a day when this room would have been a third full.
03:32Well, you know what the problem is? You've made me compromise my integrity so many times, people think I'm a joke.
03:37Yeah, you got a very valid point. But on the other hand, shut up.
03:41Sir, yes, sir!
03:42Your problem is, you're starting to repeat yourself.
03:46Rain Man, A Few Good Men, The Firm, is the latest stinker from Tom Cruise.
03:52He doesn't act anymore, he's on cruise control.
03:58I just made that up!
04:01Hachimachi!
04:03Bottom line, Jay, your show's in serious trouble.
04:06Oh, Mr. Sherman, I'm Paulina Sims, president of your fan club.
04:10Wow, my own fan club. Hear that?
04:13I have all your albums and teen beat interviews.
04:16Would you sing the theme from Here Come the Brides for me, please?
04:19Wait a minute, you think he's Bobby Sherman?
04:24The bluest skies you've ever seen in Seattle
04:28And the hills the greenest green in Seattle
04:33How are you?
04:34Like a beautiful child
04:37Growing up free and wild in Seattle
04:41In Seattle
04:45Yeah!
04:49What's the matter, mate? You look like a busker who's lost his didgeridoo.
04:52What does that mean?
04:53I'll forget. I left Australia when I was four.
04:55I'm worried that I'm losing it. I'm 36 years old, I'm not what I used to be.
04:59When I was in college, man, I could go at it all night long.
05:03And it's lap 397 in the Jay Sherman 500.
05:06Vroom, vroom, vroom, vroom, vroom!
05:10Hey, Jay, we broke my bed. Could we use yours?
05:13Okay, but your car is four laps behind.
05:16Loser.
05:18Now I'm sitting by and watching my career fade to black.
05:21Don't worry. It's not how old you are, it's how old people think you are.
05:24Excuse me, are you the late Enrico Caruso?
05:27No!
05:28Listen, because you're my friend and I love you, I'll let you in on a little secret.
05:33I'm actually 43 years old.
05:36You're 43 years old?
05:41Tonight, on Hard Copy, Jeremy Hawk caught in love nest with the Queen Mother and Rose Kennedy.
05:46Viewer disclaimer, for purposes of infotainment, Rose Kennedy and the Queen Mother will be played by the Barbie twins.
05:50Hey, I don't want to say Jeremy Hawk is old, but when he went to the DMV to get his driver's license, there was no line.
05:56Hey, that's old, man.
06:00I haven't seen a wave this big since Delta Burke did a belly flop into Shelly Winters' Jacuzzi.
06:04Listen, Jay, I'm going to give you something that's going to change your life.
06:07Adolf Hitmaker, personal image consultant?
06:11Go for it, mate. Climb the highest eucalyptus tree you can find.
06:14Cause a life's beer to your chunder.
06:16Wow, that is really inspiring.
06:18Yeah, I gave that speech in my after-school special, Days of Beer and Chundering.
06:23Hmm, where to begin?
06:25I know you're going to tell me to lose weight.
06:28Don't you dare. If you want the world to love you, you must be big and jolly like Santa Claus or Rush Limbaugh.
06:34You mean I can eat whatever I want? Wow, you're not just some quack, are you?
06:38A quack? Could a quack have escaped from a mental hospital in the Philippines? I don't think so.
06:44Même pour une séquence, les tomates vertes réfrigérées sont un délicieux déjeuner.
06:49En suivant, la plus récente de John Candy.
06:52Hmm, si vous le souhaitez.
06:56Regardez-le, Ebert n'est pas un cisco.
06:59Adolf Hitmaker fait du bon travail.
07:01Et chaque télévision a un son digitalement amélioré.
07:07Ne vous inquiétez pas, Monsieur Sherman.
07:09Cette machine de sélection de liposuction va nettement enlever l'excès de goût.
07:37Ice cream man!
07:42Hey, that's my chair.
07:44We're cutting back. Just lost three more sponsors.
07:46You can't be taking my chair to save money.
07:48All right, I'm taking it despite your low-rated, Spielberg-hating, toilet-seat-destroying butt.
07:53Don't listen to him, my pet.
07:55Listen, Puffinstuff, you want to save your show, you got to come up with some better material.
08:00Doris, I do not want to be disturbed for the next two hours.
08:03I'm going to be sitting in my office without any clothes on.
08:06Well, there goes the very last of my sex drive.
08:09No, you don't understand. Being naked inspires me artistically.
08:12Ernest Hemingway used to write standing up.
08:14Agatha Christie used to write in the bathtub while eating apples.
08:17Please keep talking. The spray makes me feel like I'm at Coney Island.
08:21Whatever comes now comes from deep within my soul.
08:24I feel cold.
08:28I hate vinyl.
08:30Jay, son, I came here to fire you.
08:32But seeing me here naked at my most vulnerable, you don't have the heart?
08:36Wake up, nude boy.
08:38But you can't fire someone like this. It's just too humiliating.
08:41Please, Duke, look in your heart. I'm begging you, look in your heart.
08:48I'm sorry, Duke. I'm sorry.
08:51I'm begging you, look in your heart.
08:54Mr. Phillips, I'm from a disreputable supermarket tabloid and...
08:57I won't need a minute more of your time.
09:01Get out.
09:02Well, all right. But there's one thing you can't take, my dignity.
09:08Go fetch, boy.
09:10Hey, Bernie, my favorite agent.
09:12Hey, you. My favorite guy or girl?
09:17I'm a man.
09:19Sorry, I thought you were the Pat character from Saturday Night Live.
09:22Is it a man, is it a woman? Who the hell cares?
09:24The kids seem to like it, to a point.
09:27And what's with airline peanuts these days?
09:30I mean, you know, I'm a man.
09:32I'm a man.
09:33I'm a man.
09:34I'm a man.
09:35I'm a man.
09:36I'm a man.
09:37And what's with airline peanuts these days?
09:40I mean, you need a wrench to open the bag.
09:43I'm a client. Don't you recognize me?
09:45Sure I do. You're Stubby Kay?
09:47No, I'm Jay Sherman.
09:49I can't believe this. You don't even know me.
09:51And I stuck by you when everybody said you were a sleazy, incompetent leech.
09:54Bullseye! That's Bernie all over.
09:57Look, can't you help me? I'm out of work.
10:00Well, I've got this one job, but I think it's beneath you.
10:04I'll take it. Believe me, I'm at the end of my rope.
10:06Wait a minute. It's not on Fox, is it?
10:08No.
10:09I'll take it.
10:10Hello. It's 6 a.m., and this is English for cab drivers.
10:14Good morning, class.
10:19My life is a living hell.
10:26The only thing that gets me through the day is lithium.
10:30Lithium!
10:33Wow, Dad. I can't believe you're actually letting us see your student film.
10:37I was in a student film once. Well, it wasn't a student film, actually.
10:40Although it had several women dressed as cheerleaders.
10:42I played Professor Spankham.
10:44How come you're showing this movie now?
10:46Because I've been re-evaluating my life, son.
10:48I wanted to remember what it was that made me want to get into film in the first place.
10:53L'artiste des meurtres
11:24L'artiste des meurtres
11:42Mon amour, j'ai toujours adoré...
11:45Oh non! Prometheus!
11:47Prometheus!
11:54Prometheus
12:00I know. It stinks.
12:07Tonight we continue with the later works of Orson Welles.
12:11A rich, full-bodied wine sensibly priced at a dollar a jug.
12:15And now, for a little magic, I will make this jug disappear.
12:20Professeur Blowhard, remember me?
12:23Indeed I do. Class, this is Stubby Kay.
12:26No, I'm Jay Sherman. I came here for guidance.
12:29Jay, you weren't meant to create. You were meant to tear apart.
12:33I was?
12:34You were born to nitpick what others poured their hearts and souls into.
12:38I shall! I shall!
12:40Be a truth teller!
12:41I will, you pompous windbag!
12:43Learn from this man, class. We should all be such independent thinkers.
12:48Soyez un penseur indépendant.
12:52Roulez le prochain clip.
12:56Rosebud.
12:58Oui, Rosebud Frozen Peas.
13:01Pleine de bonheur du pays et d'un pénis vert.
13:04C'est terrible. J'ai quitté.
13:06Juste un peu pour la route.
13:09Oh, quelle chance. Il y a une frangipane dans mon cheveu.
13:14Oh, oui.
13:16Il n'y a qu'une seule façon de retourner à la respectabilité.
13:19Je dois gagner un autre prix de Pulitzer.
13:22Je me souviens quand tu es arrivé dans ma vie,
13:24tu modeste certificat 9x12.
13:26Je suis un maniaque, un maniaque sur le sol.
13:30Et je danse comme je n'ai jamais dansé avant.
13:39Bonjour, bébé. Tu sais ce que c'est?
13:41C'est ton nom de chien de la bataille des nerds.
13:44Tu es folle.
13:46Je n'aime pas cette mémoire du tout.
13:48Mais attends.
13:49Regardons-la encore.
13:50Avec la magie de la délusion.
13:53Je suis un maniaque, un maniaque sur le sol.
13:57Et je danse comme je n'ai jamais dansé avant.
14:01Bonjour, bébé. Tu sais ce que c'est?
14:04C'est ton prix de Pulitzer,
14:06toi, l'étoile de l'homme.
14:09Wow, j'ai ma magie de la délusion en marche.
14:12Bon, retour au travail.
14:13Je dois gagner le prix de Pulitzer.
14:15Tout d'abord, j'ai besoin d'un sujet.
14:17Chaplin, Polanski et Woody.
14:18Trois hommes et une petite dame.
14:23Meathead, Laverne et Opie.
14:24Les grands filmateurs de notre journée.
14:39Comment tu t'en sors?
14:40Peut-être que tu devrais te reposer.
15:09J'ai trouvé mon inspiration.
15:11Bonjour, je suis Jay Sherman.
15:13Ce matin sur English for Cab Drivers,
15:15je vais vous apprendre comment dire
15:17« Il était déjà mort quand je l'ai touché. »
15:19Mais au lieu de ça, j'aimerais lire ce texte.
15:21Le désolé des films d'aujourd'hui.
15:26Demain, ce texte va apparaître
15:28dans les cinémas du monde entier.
15:30J'espère que vous avez apprécié ce texte.
15:32J'espère que vous avez apprécié ce texte.
15:34J'espère que vous avez apprécié ce texte.
15:36J'espère que vous avez apprécié ce texte.
15:37Ce texte va apparaître dans chaque journal
15:39de la majorité des pays.
15:41Mais je vais en parler à plus de gens
15:43en l'écoutant sur ce show télévisionné
15:45de la télé d'aujourd'hui.
15:48Je suis un critique de cinéma,
15:50et jusqu'à récemment, j'ai été payé
15:52pour vous dire quels films
15:54ne sentent pas et quels ne devraient pas
15:56être écoutés.
15:58Je vais vous donner la responsabilité
16:00des films dégoutés.
16:02C'est très simple.
16:03Si vous arrêtez de voir des mauvais films,
16:05vous arrêtez de faire des mauvais films.
16:07Uh-oh, le jig est ouvert.
16:10Si le film était un show télévisionné,
16:12n'y allez pas.
16:14Après Romanumeral 2,
16:15laissez-le.
16:16Si c'est un remake d'un classique,
16:18achetez le classique.
16:21C'est inutile.
16:22Tous les critiques ont été vendus.
16:23On ne donnera pas d'award
16:24pour le meilleur critique de l'année.
16:26Il y a quelque chose sur l'anglais
16:27pour les camionneurs.
16:28Je pense que vous devriez le voir.
16:30Dites-leur que vous voulez des histoires
16:32sur les gens,
16:33sur les 100 millions de dollars
16:35de stunts et d'explosifs.
16:37Les gens, c'est à vous.
16:39Si le film dégoûte,
16:41n'y allez pas.
16:46Si le film dégoûte,
16:48n'y allez pas.
16:50Si le film dégoûte,
16:52n'y allez pas.
16:53Qu'est-ce que je dis ?
16:54Si le film dégoûte,
16:56doucement.
16:57Non.
16:58Allemand a quitté, monsieur.
17:03Mon fils,
17:04je suis encore plus nerveux
17:05que la première fois
17:06que je suis allé à la Pulitzer.
17:07Ah, père,
17:08tu n'as pas besoin d'un autre award.
17:09Tu as toujours
17:10ton Cup d'Amérique.
17:11Mon fils,
17:12je t'ai menti.
17:13Ce n'est pas le Cup d'Amérique.
17:14C'est ton oncle Calvin.
17:17Je ne me souviens plus
17:18de la dernière fois que je l'ai porté.
17:19Qu'est-ce que c'est ?
17:24Bonjour.
17:25Bonjour, c'est Jay Sherman.
17:26Ça peut sonner drôle,
17:27mais on s'est déjà rencontrés ?
17:28Jay Sherman ?
17:29Non.
17:30Ça ne sonne pas.
17:34Comment ?
17:35Live from Columbia University,
17:37the only award show
17:38not to be televised,
17:40it's the Pulitzer Prize Ceremony
17:42with your host,
17:43Mr. Jimmy Breslin.
17:47Tonight, we will honor
17:48the greatest writers in America
17:49with a modest 9x12 certificate
17:51and a check for $3,000.
17:54$3,000 ?
17:56Stephen King makes that
17:57for writing boo
17:58on a cocktail napkin.
17:59Well, anyway,
18:00the award for best criticism
18:02goes to...
18:03This is the worst production
18:04of Porgy and Bess I've ever seen.
18:07Jay Sherman !
18:08Yes !
18:11I beat the other critic guys
18:14in Seattle.
18:16Hello, Jay.
18:17How did you get in ?
18:18I have my ways.
18:21I came here to swallow my pride,
18:23admit I was wrong,
18:24and beg you to come back
18:25to work for me again.
18:26But then I figured
18:27I'd take a moral shortcut
18:28and write you a check.
18:29Oh, you think you can put
18:30a price tag on my humiliation ?
18:32Wow !
18:33That's it to the penny.
18:34I've been doing this
18:35a long time.
18:36Anyway, son,
18:37I need your prize-winning prestige
18:38to balance out
18:39my other pet project,
18:40Hee Haw,
18:41The Next Generation.
18:42We got Junior Samples Junior.
18:44Well, if I come back,
18:45it will be on my terms.
18:47Deal.
18:48Glad we're friends again.
18:49Hey, me too.
18:50Would you like to stay and...
18:51Nope.
18:52I'll show myself out.
18:56Welcome to
18:57Coming Attractions.
18:58Tonight, we'll be reviewing
18:59Dudley Moore
19:00in his latest film,
19:01Arthur III,
19:02Revenge of the Liver.
19:04Arthur,
19:05I'm afraid you have
19:06acute cirrhosis.
19:08And you have a cute little butt.
19:12No, you don't understand.
19:13Your pancreas is swollen
19:14to the size of a basketball.
19:16Oh, no wonder I dribble so much.
19:20This is very serious.
19:21You have less than a year to live.
19:23Oh, don't look now.
19:24But somebody's eaten
19:25all your popsicles.
19:30Oh, there's a piano.
19:33I've got a liver
19:34the size of coconuts.
19:35By the end of this film,
19:36you feel as if you've really
19:37shared something
19:38with Dudley Moore,
19:39the dry heaves.
19:43Oh, it's good to be back.
19:59Oh, it's good to be back.
20:30Some celebrity voices
20:31are impersonated.
20:32No celebrities were harmed
20:33in the filming of this episode.
20:38Excuse me, sir.
20:39The show's over.
20:40Is the snack bar still open?