First broadcast 8th November 2010.
Rhod Gilbert
Greg Davies
Lloyd Langford
Jo Whiley
Goldie
Andi Osho
Susanna Reid
Billy Boyd
Rhod Gilbert
Greg Davies
Lloyd Langford
Jo Whiley
Goldie
Andi Osho
Susanna Reid
Billy Boyd
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:00Tonight on Our Squad Gilbert, our special guests are musician and conductor, the multi-talented
00:27DJ, Goldie, and the brilliantly funny, Andy Osho. They're here every week. It's actor
00:34and comedian, Greg Davies, and it's Rod's flatmate, Lloyd. Ladies and gentlemen, Ask
00:42Rod Gilbert!
00:43Hello, welcome, yes, my name is Rod Gilbert and tonight my job is to find the answers
00:49to the questions that keep us all awake at night. Some questions aren't necessary, like
00:54hey, Peter Andre, do you want to borrow this book? Some questions go to the heart of who
00:59we are as human beings. Questions like, why does a train ticket in this country cost roughly
01:04the same as a flight to the States? I'm talking to you, train companies, are you seriously
01:09suggesting the destinations you're offering stack up against New York? Because I'm not
01:13sure my girlfriend's going to see it that way when she rips open her birthday present
01:16and finds an off-peak return to Bristol Parkway. Oh, I'm sorry, love, I know you had your heart
01:21set on seeing the Big Apple, but I'm sure we'll find you a reasonably large one in Cafe
01:24Retazza on Platform 3. I know you're looking forward to the plane, a few movies, or an
01:30in-flight meal, but you never know, there might be enough room to sit in our bags outside
01:33the bog on the train. And another thing, train companies, don't try and persuade me that
01:38the person you've got to pour hot water into a cup, hand out a separate teabag, and tell
01:42me to help myself to milk and sugar at the buffet car is a travelling chef. You don't
01:46need a Michelin star to turn round and pass me a Kit Kat. Who's that bloke with the drinks
01:50trolley? Heston Blumenthal? A chef has sous-chefs walk-in freezers and daily deliveries of the
01:55freshest produce, not a tierne, a flapjack, and three warm cans of Stella. He trains for
02:00years, creates signature dishes, and a loyal clientele. He doesn't stick a toastie in a
02:04microwave, fail to melt a cheese melt, and then tell me he hasn't got change of a tenner.
02:12In a world full of ambiguity, we need someone with credibility to help us find the answers
02:16to our questions. So, as always, we begin by asking, who is tonight's Authenticator?
02:23You might not know that tonight's Authenticator studied politics. She was once accused of
02:29showing too much cleavage with an interview with Hollywood heartthrob Hugh Grant. She's
02:35also a pescatarian? Yes, tonight's Authenticator wakes me up every Sunday morning, from Sunday
02:44morning live at Susanna Reid. Thank you for joining us, Susanna. It's an absolute pleasure
03:01to be here, Rod. Good. Thank you. Have you seen some of the pictures of you on the internet?
03:05There is a picture of a lovely woman on the internet, and someone has put my head on her
03:10body. I feel a bit sorry for her, she's probably got a perfectly serviceable head of her own.
03:15Do you think she would recognise her body and go, that's not my head? I think if you
03:22had done a photo shoot wearing what she's wearing, you'd probably remember. Yes. Susanna,
03:28how are you going to help us this evening? Well, just like I do on Sunday, I am going
03:31to be finding out all the relevant information to answer the questions that you're asking
03:35tonight. Thank you very much. And when I think we finally have an answer, I will do
03:39this. So, Gordie, what have you learnt this week? I can't dance, that's for sure. I don't
03:52think that's necessarily a criteria for staying in that show. What have you learnt? Was your
03:55dancing coming on? It was coming on alright, but I feel sorry for the Russian darling,
04:00you know, old Christina. What's she going to do now? Is that your dance partner? Yeah,
04:04I don't know what they do. I don't think she's going to be executed, Gordie. So, Andy,
04:12what have you learnt this week? Well, I got asked this week about Arsenal stewards, because
04:18I used to steward the Emirates Stadium, but there was one time when I was stewarding where
04:23there was this one bloke behind me and he just couldn't get the inflections right with
04:26the cheering and stuff, so everyone else was going, who are you, who are you? And I could
04:30just hear this one lone voice going, who are you, who are you? On with the show, let's
04:37find out who wants to know what tonight. Who have we got? Tom Cruise, we have a question
04:42from Tom. Tom says, Rod, I went to Alton Towers the other day, but I wasn't allowed on any
04:49of the rides. Are there any other adrenaline-fuelled theme parks over there? Well, the answer is
04:55yes, Tom. For somebody like you, there are loads. Try the postman park right outside
04:59Sainsbury's in Swindon, it's only 50p, only 50p and it will blow your mind.
05:05Kanye, look at Kanye West's teeth there, Goldie. I can see yours look gold in the light, and
05:11then they look diamond as well. It's gold. Does it say gold, Goldie on them? No way,
05:17it does too. Did you do it all in one go as well, or did you just...? I don't think Goldie
05:21did it himself. Melting a bit of gold on them. When you eat ice cream, do you get ice cream
05:30headaches as well, or is it worse? No, I don't get that at all, actually. I can have brain
05:34freeze competitions quite a lot. What happens if you eat a bit of Kit Kat and there's some
05:37foil on it there? Let's see what Kanye West wants to know, shall we? Kanye says, hey Rod,
05:44do you think my new diamond studded teeth look cool? Well, what can I say, Kanye, everybody
05:49seems to be sprucing their teeth up. We've got Goldie sitting right next to me, and apparently
05:54I've read that Shane McGowan has just had some work done on a root canal. Some root
05:59canal work where the dentist found a traffic cone, a dead bird and rolled a shopping trolley.
06:04Billy Boyd, let's have a question from Billy Boyd from Lord of the Rings. What does he
06:08want to know? Hi Rod, I was out walking my dog the other day and I came up with a question
06:13for you. Can dogs blow? What? That's an interesting question. Susannah, before you set off and
06:26find us some information that might lead us towards an answer, what do you think? Top
06:29of your head, can dogs blow? I think it's debatable if they even have lips to blow.
06:35Do you think the dog has lips? I think some dogs have got bigger lips than others. Oh,
06:42you're making it up. A dog does not have lips. Well, boxer dogs, you know when they do that
06:47thing when they shake their... That's their cheeks. And then all that saliva goes everywhere.
06:52Doesn't that come from their... No, just because a dog has spit hanging out of its mouth and
06:55goes like that and spit goes everywhere, it doesn't necessarily mean it's got lips. Well,
06:58what's the spit going to hang from if it hasn't got lips? It's going to hang from the orifice
07:03where the lip might be. Think of a husky, for example. That's right. Usually an all
07:11white or grey dog and it's got black lips. Don't be ridiculous. I can put you right there.
07:18I have two huskies and they have no lips. I have a black one and a brown one. Yeah,
07:22you might just have rare lipless huskies. I'm not interested that for anybody in this
07:29room, 50 quid, dogs have lips. They do have lips. 50 quid. Alright, I'll bet you 50 quid.
07:36It's on. Goldie, do dogs have lips? I think they have lips. Wait a second. If we're putting
07:4350 quid in it, then I'd like a more thorough answer than asking Goldie. Another fact or
07:51something that helps us decide, can dogs blow? Did you know dogs' nose prints are thought
07:57to be as unique as human fingerprints and can be used to accurately identify them? Did
08:03you know that? Not only do I not know it, I don't believe it for a second. It's absolutely
08:08true. A dog's nose is exactly like a human fingerprint. They are actually unique. Do
08:12the police have records of dog noses? Do dogs have to come in and...? It's absolutely true.
08:20They are as unique. They're exactly like human fingerprints. Dog noses. Have you ever seen
08:23two dog noses the same, Lloyd? If I was going to try and identify a dog, I'd probably check
08:29the collar first. How do you...? Because you use ink to do fingerprints. You just ink pad
08:37a dog's nose. Like this. You just get a head. I think a much more humane way to do it would
08:43be to get the dog to chase a cat, and then at the last moment, put a memory foam mattress
08:48in between the dogs. Why is that a much more humane way to do it? A, you're tempting the
08:54dog with a bit of cat action, and two, he's also running full force into quite a hard
08:58memory foam mattress. It's much simpler and quicker to say, listen dog, do you mind if
09:01I do a quick ink pad across your nose? I think the police are as stretched as it is, Lloyd,
09:06to be honest. I'll tell you what can blow, for definitely, is dolphins and whales and
09:12things. They can blow bubbles and rings. Whales and dolphins can be taught to blow shapes
09:18like hearts. In what? In what? Fairy liquid. What do you think? How can you do a heart
09:31shape underwater? You know when you smoke, you do a smoke ring like that? They're making
09:34them smoke? No, no, no. Underwater, they can... What kind of zoo is this? It's impossible
09:42to smoke underwater. I'm not talking about smoking underwater. You know when you blow
09:47underwater and you can blow... I can't do it, but a whale can. You can blow a ring underwater
09:55like a dolphin can blow a ring. How doesn't the world know about this? You're absolutely
10:01right. Let's have a look at this. Oh! He'll go through that now. He'll go through that.
10:12Yes! Who taught them how to do that? Is it just some horrible old bloke smoking a fag,
10:20teaching them to do that? They do that and then they play with it in the wild. That didn't
10:23look like the whale to me. Is there any other facts you can help us with? Can dogs blow
10:28is the question we're trying to answer here. Apparently, a dog couldn't blow a fire out
10:32on its own, but they are smart enough to get hold of emergency services. An amazing story
10:37about Canine Hero. Now, Buddy was told by his owner, we need to get help after a fire
10:44started in a workshop. The dog ran from the house, came across Alaskan state troopers
10:50and led them straight to the blaze. You read about it all the time. There's a whole awards
10:55thing. All they ever do, basically, is there's a fire and the dog thinks, oh, bloody hell,
10:59it's a bit hot in here and I'll... And then somebody wakes up and rings 999 and they go,
11:04the dog next to you. Oh, he's pitching the Queen and Elton John an award. You can get
11:09a dog to do anything as long as you promise them they can meet Elton John. I hate all
11:14these stories. I hate all these dog bravery awards and things like that. Do you hate Lassie?
11:19No, I don't hate Lassie. Obviously, he's a hero. She is a hero. She is it? Lassie's not
11:26a she. Lassie's not a she. Lassie's not a she. No, she's not a she. It was a female
11:31character, but it was always played by a male dog. What do you mean it was a female character?
11:35It's not in drag. It's not, like, doing the role. The dog is not thinking, I know I'm
11:39a boy, I know I'm a boy, but today, I'm a girl. If Lassie was a girl, as you say, they'd
11:44have had a girl actor playing it. Phil Mitchell. He's not a woman. He's the actress who plays
11:49Phil Mitchell. He's a woman. Suzanne, do you have any more facts for us or information
11:53that can lead us closer to an answer about whether dogs can blow? I do. Do you think
11:57this counts as blowing? Have a look.
12:11Breathing underwater. Just breathing out. Breathing out water in the air, not blowing.
12:15Yeah, you could do, I could do that with a squirrel. I've had a squirrel and just held
12:19it under there. No, but I think the point is that the dogs, well, appearing to voluntarily
12:25do it, I don't know how they would train a dog to do that. Yeah, what Lloyd's talking
12:29about isn't so much training, is it? Physically abusing a squirrel. Lloyd's circus would be
12:35amazing, wouldn't it? Look at this monkey, it can fly. Look at this cow, it faints.
12:46I'm not convinced that's blowing. I really think that's not at all. I think that's breathing
12:49out. I think that dog was temporarily droned in.
12:58Goldie, you didn't need to prove that you could breathe underwater.
13:05My dad used to blame our dog for blowing off all the time. Dads do that, that is a well-known
13:09dad thing. It's true. He found it a little bit more difficult when he tried to blame
13:12his three-year affair on our dog. I'll just say for the record, my dad hasn't had an affair
13:21ever. Susanna, what do you think? They can clearly pant and clearly dogs can breathe.
13:31She is good. Dogs breathe. Glad we've got you here to authenticate. I think it is time
13:37to ask an expert. We have dog behaviourist Nick Jones for you, Rod. My favourite dog
13:43behaviourist. Nick Jones. Hello, good to be here. Hello, Nick. Hi. You're a dog behaviourist.
13:51Indeed, yes. Nick, in your professional opinion, first off, do dogs have lips? Yes, they certainly
14:00do have lips. Some are more obvious depending on the way the dog's face is structured than
14:06others. Many smaller face dogs where you can see the lips. This is perfectly apparent.
14:12Can dogs blow? Well, it depends on how we define blow. They can't blow in the conventional
14:19sense of pursing the lips as if to blow out a candle, let's say. Could a dog blow up a
14:25balloon? No. No? No. Could a dog... How about with a foot pump, Nick? Could a dog blow out
14:34a match? They can, of course, exhale through the mouth, they can sneeze, all of which would
14:41in theory be able to push a ping pong ball along a table, but if we're talking about
14:46blowing in that sense of pursing the lips as if to whistle or as if to cool something
14:52down, I don't think you'll be seeing that. So just to sum up, Nick, can a dog blow, not
14:57in the conventional sense, but sort of yes and no? I am going to say no. You're going
15:04to say no. Go on, just sum it up for us neatly. No. I will take that as an answer.
15:15So, let's have a look. Who's next? Piers Morgan, shall we have a question from him? He might
15:26make you cry. Are you a fan of Piers Morgan? Yeah. Really? Well, he's a superb interviewer,
15:31isn't he? What, because he got Cheryl Cole to cry? No, he's not afraid to ask the big
15:37and difficult questions. He's not? Watch this. Am I the luckiest man in showbiz? Yes.
15:45Here's the lovely Cheryl Cole. And a panda, that's more like it. A little bit more interesting.
15:54Let's have a question from the panda. Hey Rod, I'm saving myself until I meet the right
16:00girl. Do you think this is the right idea? Well, pandas, if you ask me, if you don't
16:06pull your socks up, you lot are going to die out, so it's time to start lowering your standards.
16:11In 20 years' time, your choice is going to be pretty limited. It's going to be like chucking
16:14out time at Wetherspoons. Now, before the show started, the studio audience had the
16:21chance to send questions to me, so let's look at what you want to know. Who have we got
16:26first? Joanne Steenson, are you there? Yeah. Hello Joanne. Hello. How are you? I'm good,
16:35thanks. Good. What's your question? My question is, why are women better drivers?
16:41Can you repeat the question, why are women better drivers? That's right. They are better
16:52drivers. She knows her mind, she knows what she means. She means, why are women better
16:55drivers? Yeah, and the answer is because they haven't got anywhere important to go. Apart
17:06from Susanna, who's really important, and the women in this room. Do you think women
17:13are better drivers, Andy? I've never been a man, so I've got nothing to compare it to,
17:17but... You should try it, it's awesome. It's not based on you lot, though. Yeah, I do.
17:24How come you don't get any women on Top Gear? How come the Stig has never been a woman?
17:27How come there's no Formula One women drivers? Because I have two very quick tests to do
17:32to see if somebody's a woman. He's done it on me, it was awful. That's why I don't want
17:38to know. You can tell the Stig's not a woman, he's obviously a man. Anyway, his name was
17:44Ben Collins. Yeah, that'll do. But being a Stig is not an indication of whether you're
17:49a good driver or not. Of course it is. Women don't have to prove themselves in that way.
17:52How many women are on the leaderboard in Top Gear? Just because you're a fast driver doesn't
17:56mean you're a better driver. Oh, shut up. Thank you.
18:03Men seem to think that speed is some indication of being good. I promise you, Goldie, it's not.
18:08It is? It's not. It's a clear indication of being cool. Look at this.
18:16Do you think they're better drivers, Susanna? I think what we're establishing is that men
18:20and women have a very different definition of what a better driver is. It's a sport for
18:25men, though, isn't it? I mean, rally driving and driving... What was that, madam? Say your
18:28point again. The point is there are women rally drivers. There are women rally drivers
18:33in America, there are former... You know, women are into everything. I, you know...
18:39I agree that women rally drivers, it's just they're so slow, they haven't come past us yet.
18:47I agree with you, I think women are better drivers. I'll tell you why, it's because men
18:50are Berks. That's why...
19:00Sarah Crooks, are you out there? Yes, hello.
19:04Hello. Who's that in the photo? Is that your young man?
19:08No, that's my young man here. Oh, fair play.
19:12I'd have stuck with the first one.
19:17Sarah, what's your question?
19:21Does a hummingbird have a variety of tunes that it can hum?
19:25I don't know. Susanna, can you see what you can find out for us?
19:29I'm going to ask the panel, what do we think? Does a hummingbird have a variety of tunes
19:33it can hum? You mean like requests or something?
19:37Is it like a hummy jukebox? Like fly tunes?
19:41No one really enjoys a hum, apart from the person who's humming, though, do they?
19:45You don't walk past someone who's humming and go, wow, what a lovely hum that is.
19:49Thank God we don't have hummingbirds in this country. We don't, do we?
19:53Of course we do. We most definitely do not.
19:57Oh, Mr Definitive. Most definitely do not.
20:01How do you know that? Because they're exotic, aren't they?
20:05When you see, like, a profiteroles, you can get them all over the place.
20:09Hummingbirds don't actually hum.
20:13Oh. Say that to their face.
20:17It's their wings, isn't it? Because the wings are moving while it makes the sound.
20:21It's not like they go, hmm. No, I think the wings are moving just to keep it in the air.
20:25I thought it'd just be a hamster, wouldn't it? A humming hamster.
20:29Is it the wings that make the hum?
20:33Yeah, it's the speed of the wings when it's hovering, that makes the hum.
20:37So it's not actually humming. But it doesn't matter what makes the hum.
20:41Hummingbirds have a variety of tunes with its wings. I don't imagine so.
20:45Can we have it confirmed, Susanna, whether we do in fact have hummingbirds in this country?
20:49Because I still don't quite believe that we do. According to the RSPB,
20:53hummingbirds have never been found in Europe. Oh, God.
20:57Some birds can do impressions of other things. Some birds what?
21:01Can do impressions of other things. Some birds can do impressions of other things? Yes.
21:05Have you got something to show us? I have.
21:09That was a camera shutter.
21:15And now a camera with a motor drive.
21:25And that's a car alarm.
21:29And now...
21:37And now the sounds of foresters and their chainsaws working nearby.
21:53That's impressive.
21:57Is that an Attenborough thing? That is from David Attenborough's Life of Birds.
22:01So it's real. It's not even an internet thing.
22:05And now you've got the camera sound. People are just taking pictures of the bird all day long.
22:09Do you find it very hard to believe that there'd be a camera crew out in a place like that, dear Goldie?
22:13You'd think that clip would have changed your mind, wouldn't you?
22:17What about, how do they make the sound?
22:21It's only a hummingbird's wings that make a humming sound.
22:25It's just one note, isn't it, that they do?
22:29Even wasps do more than one note, don't they?
22:37Have we got an answer? No.
22:45So that is nearly all the questions we have had sent in this week.
22:49But Goldie, I believe that you have a question for us tonight.
22:53Yes, I do.
22:57I was thinking, what if you woke up and everybody looked the same?
23:01The principle of it, of everybody looking the same, do you like the idea of it, Lloyd?
23:05No, I think, for one thing, guess who would be a much trickier game?
23:13No, if you could press a button and change everybody in the world,
23:17so all the men look like Brad Pitt and all the women look like Angelina Jolie, would you press that button?
23:21Oh, I would press it and then turn it off again and then press it and just keep doing that.
23:29Why wouldn't you press it, Lloyd?
23:33Everybody, all the girls look like Angelina Jolie.
23:37I don't find Angelina Jolie attractive.
23:41There's no doubt that those two are beautiful, both of them,
23:45but they would cease to be beautiful if everybody looked the same.
23:50You'd fancy everyone.
23:54Who cares about variety?
23:58No, but everyone would be average.
24:02Well, don't get me wrong, I think the first 25 minutes would be ruddy brilliant.
24:06Would you not like it, Susanna?
24:10If we all looked the same, I've got a little insight into how that would be.
24:14How did you all come to be married to each other?
24:18Fred and I were in Leicester Square, sitting down and enjoying the sun
24:22and a pal of ours came up to us and he said, do you still play banjos?
24:26And we said, yes. He said, well, I've got a lovely show for you to go in
24:30and I have some wonderful wives for you as well.
24:34So we went along into the theatre and there were all twin wives waiting for us, you see.
24:38That's how we met the twins, in a show called Hello Canada.
24:42And we still play the banjo, by the way.
24:48APPLAUSE
24:52There's only one question on my mind after watching that.
24:56Why have they all got the same hair?
25:00It wasn't that, Andy. Here's the question that was on my mind.
25:04If you were them, would you just swap?
25:08That's enough, it was confusing. Just making tea is confusing, isn't it?
25:12Because you're a twin?
25:16I think it is confusing for twins, though, isn't it?
25:20You've already got one or something like that, you know?
25:24Where am I with that?
25:28You think the biggest problem of being an identical twin is wondering
25:32whether you've already made a cup of tea or not.
25:36Did I make this tea?
25:40Did I make this tea?
25:44It's a true fact!
25:48It's known that if one twin is in pain, the other can feel it.
25:52It's not known, I can't tell whose cup of tea is whose, though.
25:56APPLAUSE
26:00I would love to be where you get your facts from.
26:04It's a point, that's a point.
26:08When the twin sees another one walk past, does the twin go, is that me?
26:12Is that me?
26:16That's always the first question interviewers ask, it should be.
26:20Whenever people interview identical twins, they always say things like,
26:24when he's hurt himself, do you feel pain?
26:28When he's made a cup of tea, do you think it's yours?
26:32LAUGHTER
26:36I don't even take sugar!
26:40LAUGHTER
26:44Let's see what else we've got for us.
26:48Apparently the female most women would choose to look like is Kate Winslet.
26:52She topped a poll of 2,000 women.
26:56Who would you most like to look like?
27:00Kate Winslet wants to look like Kate Winslet after the airbrushing.
27:04LAUGHTER
27:08Terminator, I'd like to look like him.
27:12You're half way there.
27:16Which one is this?
27:20Who do you want to look like?
27:24Lloyd.
27:28Who do you want to look like, Lloyd?
27:32I know he gets a lot of stick, but I think I'd quite like to look like Simon Cowell.
27:36He's really low-maintenance, isn't he?
27:40Low-maintenance? He spends a billion quid a year on his appearance.
27:44He's in a pair of trousers, white T-shirt, just has that...
27:48LAUGHTER
27:52How much does Simon Cowell spend on his appearance?
27:56According to the Daily Mirror, Simon Cowell spends £26,000 a year on jeans.
28:00What?! On jeans?
28:04How do you spend £26,000 a year on jeans?
28:08Oh, I see.
28:12A lot of pairs of jeans.
28:16He buys quite cheap jeans, you're quite right.
28:20He spends up to £650 a year on waxing.
28:24He spends up to £16,000 a year on T-shirts and around £10,000 on his teeth.
28:28And according to the Daily Mail...
28:32You can give it to me, I'll sort his teeth out, all right?
28:36According to the Daily Mail, he spends £50 a month getting his hair dyed,
28:40and he styles it himself.
28:44No, that's no surprise, is it? We know that he shaves it around a tin of corned beef.
28:48LAUGHTER
28:52£26,000 on jeans, £10,000 on his teeth, £16,000 somewhere in there,
28:56it's about £50,000 quid that he... You said you want to look like Simon Cowell.
29:01It's absolutely ridiculous. I can make someone look like Simon Cowell for £5.
29:05You reckon you can make Lloyd look like Simon Cowell for £5?
29:09Do I get a C in this? No, you don't get a C.
29:13APPLAUSE
29:17Ready? Ready for the makeover?
29:21I'm ready. I've got the basics already sorted.
29:25You can see we've got Lloyd in the requisite Cowell clothes. How are you feeling, Lloyd?
29:29Brilliant. Brilliant! I'll tell you something, just to start with the obvious things,
29:33there is no way that Simon Cowell would have unsightly chest hair
29:37sticking out of his lovely crisp white T-shirt.
29:41We know how much he spends on waxing, don't we, Susannah? How much does he spend on waxing?
29:45Every year, £650. £650? Utterly ridiculous.
29:49I borrowed this from the make-up ladies for absolutely nothing,
29:53so let's get him...
29:57Let's get this unsightly hair sorted.
30:01Let me just jot this down. We're already making a saving of £650, am I right?
30:05Correct. Because this was absolutely free, and what's particularly brilliant
30:09about this part of the procedure is I've genuinely never done this before.
30:13Not even in rehearsal.
30:17Hold that T-shirt down for me. £650 up by the time this happens.
30:21Right, let's get rid of that.
30:25LAUGHTER
30:29Come on, Lloyd. Lloyd! Don't mess it up.
30:33It's very important to Simon that he's got a nice, smooth look.
30:37Yeah? One, two, three, go!
30:41CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
30:49Look how smooth that is, that's lovely.
30:53How much does Simon Cowell spend on his teeth, Susanna? £10,000.
30:57£10,000. How much could you do it for, Greg?
31:01Well, this piece of cake icing cost me £30.
31:05Open wide, Lloyd. What is it, cake icing?
31:09It's a simple cake icing, mate.
31:13LAUGHTER
31:17It is coming on, he's halfway to Cowell.
31:21£30 we've spent.
31:25£30, we've got £4.70 left to play with.
31:29Simon's trademark is his hair, though, mate, I need to get that sorted.
31:33I've pre-prepared this.
31:37That's definitely the right shape, but where's the colour?
31:41Well, obviously I'm not going to leave it cardboard-coloured,
31:45so let's get it the right colour now.
31:49This was £0.70.
31:53So we're about £1.05, we've spent roughly about a pound.
31:57Just a pound, I think.
32:01Look at little Lloyd sitting there making money.
32:05It's uncanny. He's almost there, isn't he? There's only one thing missing.
32:09Cowell's got bigger eyebrows than that. Of course he has, and that's the final touch, isn't it?
32:13How much are you spending on these eyebrows, Greg?
32:17I've got a good one at home, it's a Kiddy Craft paint, but I've already used it for the hair,
32:21so technically the eyebrows are free.
32:25Look at that one!
32:29LAUGHTER
32:33That's it, Simon Cowell!
32:37APPLAUSE
32:41Very good.
32:45We can't make somebody look exactly like Simon Cowell for under £2.
32:49Remarkable value, I'm sure we'll all agree. Suzanne, have you got any final facts for us
32:53on whether it would be a better or worse place if everybody looked alike?
32:57I do, Rod. Professor Robin Dunbar from Oxford University says if everyone looked the same,
33:01it would be because we were genetically identical.
33:05This would mean as a species we'd be unable to cope with the many new diseases and viruses
33:09that constantly arise, which would mean we'd soon become extinct.
33:13I think you have your answer.
33:17That is an answer.
33:21APPLAUSE
33:25So, Goldie, you asked would the world be a better place if we all looked exactly the same,
33:29and the answer is no, it's not a very good idea.
33:33And even if it was a good idea, we would all have to look like someone,
33:38like Simon Cowell.
33:42You're laughing, but seriously, imagine a world where we did all look
33:46like Simon Cowell.
33:50MUSIC
34:08MUSIC
34:12MUSIC
34:16Well, that's pretty much it for tonight, so people of Britain,
34:20if you've got a question, you can tweet the show, but for now it's thanks to Simon Cowell!
34:24Simon Cowell! Simon Cowell!
34:28My flatmate Simon Cowell, and of course the authenticator
34:32Simon Cowell. I'm Simon Cowell, and you can ask me
34:36literally anything. Good night.
34:40APPLAUSE
34:44Near the knuckle laughs coming up,
34:48we're unleashing the one and only Joan Rivers, and there'll be music from the Pet Shop Boys
34:52on the Graham Norton Show, next.
34:56APPLAUSE
35:00APPLAUSE
35:04APPLAUSE
35:08APPLAUSE