Ask Rhod Gilbert. S01 E07.

  • 3 months ago
First broadcast 8th November 2010.

Rhod Gilbert

Greg Davies
Lloyd Langford
Jo Whiley

Goldie
Andi Osho
Susanna Reid
Billy Boyd
Transcript
00:00Tonight on Our Squad Gilbert, our special guests are musician and conductor, the multi-talented
00:27DJ, Goldie, and the brilliantly funny, Andy Osho. They're here every week. It's actor
00:34and comedian, Greg Davies, and it's Rod's flatmate, Lloyd. Ladies and gentlemen, Ask
00:42Rod Gilbert!
00:43Hello, welcome, yes, my name is Rod Gilbert and tonight my job is to find the answers
00:49to the questions that keep us all awake at night. Some questions aren't necessary, like
00:54hey, Peter Andre, do you want to borrow this book? Some questions go to the heart of who
00:59we are as human beings. Questions like, why does a train ticket in this country cost roughly
01:04the same as a flight to the States? I'm talking to you, train companies, are you seriously
01:09suggesting the destinations you're offering stack up against New York? Because I'm not
01:13sure my girlfriend's going to see it that way when she rips open her birthday present
01:16and finds an off-peak return to Bristol Parkway. Oh, I'm sorry, love, I know you had your heart
01:21set on seeing the Big Apple, but I'm sure we'll find you a reasonably large one in Cafe
01:24Retazza on Platform 3. I know you're looking forward to the plane, a few movies, or an
01:30in-flight meal, but you never know, there might be enough room to sit in our bags outside
01:33the bog on the train. And another thing, train companies, don't try and persuade me that
01:38the person you've got to pour hot water into a cup, hand out a separate teabag, and tell
01:42me to help myself to milk and sugar at the buffet car is a travelling chef. You don't
01:46need a Michelin star to turn round and pass me a Kit Kat. Who's that bloke with the drinks
01:50trolley? Heston Blumenthal? A chef has sous-chefs walk-in freezers and daily deliveries of the
01:55freshest produce, not a tierne, a flapjack, and three warm cans of Stella. He trains for
02:00years, creates signature dishes, and a loyal clientele. He doesn't stick a toastie in a
02:04microwave, fail to melt a cheese melt, and then tell me he hasn't got change of a tenner.
02:12In a world full of ambiguity, we need someone with credibility to help us find the answers
02:16to our questions. So, as always, we begin by asking, who is tonight's Authenticator?
02:23You might not know that tonight's Authenticator studied politics. She was once accused of
02:29showing too much cleavage with an interview with Hollywood heartthrob Hugh Grant. She's
02:35also a pescatarian? Yes, tonight's Authenticator wakes me up every Sunday morning, from Sunday
02:44morning live at Susanna Reid. Thank you for joining us, Susanna. It's an absolute pleasure
03:01to be here, Rod. Good. Thank you. Have you seen some of the pictures of you on the internet?
03:05There is a picture of a lovely woman on the internet, and someone has put my head on her
03:10body. I feel a bit sorry for her, she's probably got a perfectly serviceable head of her own.
03:15Do you think she would recognise her body and go, that's not my head? I think if you
03:22had done a photo shoot wearing what she's wearing, you'd probably remember. Yes. Susanna,
03:28how are you going to help us this evening? Well, just like I do on Sunday, I am going
03:31to be finding out all the relevant information to answer the questions that you're asking
03:35tonight. Thank you very much. And when I think we finally have an answer, I will do
03:39this. So, Gordie, what have you learnt this week? I can't dance, that's for sure. I don't
03:52think that's necessarily a criteria for staying in that show. What have you learnt? Was your
03:55dancing coming on? It was coming on alright, but I feel sorry for the Russian darling,
04:00you know, old Christina. What's she going to do now? Is that your dance partner? Yeah,
04:04I don't know what they do. I don't think she's going to be executed, Gordie. So, Andy,
04:12what have you learnt this week? Well, I got asked this week about Arsenal stewards, because
04:18I used to steward the Emirates Stadium, but there was one time when I was stewarding where
04:23there was this one bloke behind me and he just couldn't get the inflections right with
04:26the cheering and stuff, so everyone else was going, who are you, who are you? And I could
04:30just hear this one lone voice going, who are you, who are you? On with the show, let's
04:37find out who wants to know what tonight. Who have we got? Tom Cruise, we have a question
04:42from Tom. Tom says, Rod, I went to Alton Towers the other day, but I wasn't allowed on any
04:49of the rides. Are there any other adrenaline-fuelled theme parks over there? Well, the answer is
04:55yes, Tom. For somebody like you, there are loads. Try the postman park right outside
04:59Sainsbury's in Swindon, it's only 50p, only 50p and it will blow your mind.
05:05Kanye, look at Kanye West's teeth there, Goldie. I can see yours look gold in the light, and
05:11then they look diamond as well. It's gold. Does it say gold, Goldie on them? No way,
05:17it does too. Did you do it all in one go as well, or did you just...? I don't think Goldie
05:21did it himself. Melting a bit of gold on them. When you eat ice cream, do you get ice cream
05:30headaches as well, or is it worse? No, I don't get that at all, actually. I can have brain
05:34freeze competitions quite a lot. What happens if you eat a bit of Kit Kat and there's some
05:37foil on it there? Let's see what Kanye West wants to know, shall we? Kanye says, hey Rod,
05:44do you think my new diamond studded teeth look cool? Well, what can I say, Kanye, everybody
05:49seems to be sprucing their teeth up. We've got Goldie sitting right next to me, and apparently
05:54I've read that Shane McGowan has just had some work done on a root canal. Some root
05:59canal work where the dentist found a traffic cone, a dead bird and rolled a shopping trolley.
06:04Billy Boyd, let's have a question from Billy Boyd from Lord of the Rings. What does he
06:08want to know? Hi Rod, I was out walking my dog the other day and I came up with a question
06:13for you. Can dogs blow? What? That's an interesting question. Susannah, before you set off and
06:26find us some information that might lead us towards an answer, what do you think? Top
06:29of your head, can dogs blow? I think it's debatable if they even have lips to blow.
06:35Do you think the dog has lips? I think some dogs have got bigger lips than others. Oh,
06:42you're making it up. A dog does not have lips. Well, boxer dogs, you know when they do that
06:47thing when they shake their... That's their cheeks. And then all that saliva goes everywhere.
06:52Doesn't that come from their... No, just because a dog has spit hanging out of its mouth and
06:55goes like that and spit goes everywhere, it doesn't necessarily mean it's got lips. Well,
06:58what's the spit going to hang from if it hasn't got lips? It's going to hang from the orifice
07:03where the lip might be. Think of a husky, for example. That's right. Usually an all
07:11white or grey dog and it's got black lips. Don't be ridiculous. I can put you right there.
07:18I have two huskies and they have no lips. I have a black one and a brown one. Yeah,
07:22you might just have rare lipless huskies. I'm not interested that for anybody in this
07:29room, 50 quid, dogs have lips. They do have lips. 50 quid. Alright, I'll bet you 50 quid.
07:36It's on. Goldie, do dogs have lips? I think they have lips. Wait a second. If we're putting
07:4350 quid in it, then I'd like a more thorough answer than asking Goldie. Another fact or
07:51something that helps us decide, can dogs blow? Did you know dogs' nose prints are thought
07:57to be as unique as human fingerprints and can be used to accurately identify them? Did
08:03you know that? Not only do I not know it, I don't believe it for a second. It's absolutely
08:08true. A dog's nose is exactly like a human fingerprint. They are actually unique. Do
08:12the police have records of dog noses? Do dogs have to come in and...? It's absolutely true.
08:20They are as unique. They're exactly like human fingerprints. Dog noses. Have you ever seen
08:23two dog noses the same, Lloyd? If I was going to try and identify a dog, I'd probably check
08:29the collar first. How do you...? Because you use ink to do fingerprints. You just ink pad
08:37a dog's nose. Like this. You just get a head. I think a much more humane way to do it would
08:43be to get the dog to chase a cat, and then at the last moment, put a memory foam mattress
08:48in between the dogs. Why is that a much more humane way to do it? A, you're tempting the
08:54dog with a bit of cat action, and two, he's also running full force into quite a hard
08:58memory foam mattress. It's much simpler and quicker to say, listen dog, do you mind if
09:01I do a quick ink pad across your nose? I think the police are as stretched as it is, Lloyd,
09:06to be honest. I'll tell you what can blow, for definitely, is dolphins and whales and
09:12things. They can blow bubbles and rings. Whales and dolphins can be taught to blow shapes
09:18like hearts. In what? In what? Fairy liquid. What do you think? How can you do a heart
09:31shape underwater? You know when you smoke, you do a smoke ring like that? They're making
09:34them smoke? No, no, no. Underwater, they can... What kind of zoo is this? It's impossible
09:42to smoke underwater. I'm not talking about smoking underwater. You know when you blow
09:47underwater and you can blow... I can't do it, but a whale can. You can blow a ring underwater
09:55like a dolphin can blow a ring. How doesn't the world know about this? You're absolutely
10:01right. Let's have a look at this. Oh! He'll go through that now. He'll go through that.
10:12Yes! Who taught them how to do that? Is it just some horrible old bloke smoking a fag,
10:20teaching them to do that? They do that and then they play with it in the wild. That didn't
10:23look like the whale to me. Is there any other facts you can help us with? Can dogs blow
10:28is the question we're trying to answer here. Apparently, a dog couldn't blow a fire out
10:32on its own, but they are smart enough to get hold of emergency services. An amazing story
10:37about Canine Hero. Now, Buddy was told by his owner, we need to get help after a fire
10:44started in a workshop. The dog ran from the house, came across Alaskan state troopers
10:50and led them straight to the blaze. You read about it all the time. There's a whole awards
10:55thing. All they ever do, basically, is there's a fire and the dog thinks, oh, bloody hell,
10:59it's a bit hot in here and I'll... And then somebody wakes up and rings 999 and they go,
11:04the dog next to you. Oh, he's pitching the Queen and Elton John an award. You can get
11:09a dog to do anything as long as you promise them they can meet Elton John. I hate all
11:14these stories. I hate all these dog bravery awards and things like that. Do you hate Lassie?
11:19No, I don't hate Lassie. Obviously, he's a hero. She is a hero. She is it? Lassie's not
11:26a she. Lassie's not a she. Lassie's not a she. No, she's not a she. It was a female
11:31character, but it was always played by a male dog. What do you mean it was a female character?
11:35It's not in drag. It's not, like, doing the role. The dog is not thinking, I know I'm
11:39a boy, I know I'm a boy, but today, I'm a girl. If Lassie was a girl, as you say, they'd
11:44have had a girl actor playing it. Phil Mitchell. He's not a woman. He's the actress who plays
11:49Phil Mitchell. He's a woman. Suzanne, do you have any more facts for us or information
11:53that can lead us closer to an answer about whether dogs can blow? I do. Do you think
11:57this counts as blowing? Have a look.
12:11Breathing underwater. Just breathing out. Breathing out water in the air, not blowing.
12:15Yeah, you could do, I could do that with a squirrel. I've had a squirrel and just held
12:19it under there. No, but I think the point is that the dogs, well, appearing to voluntarily
12:25do it, I don't know how they would train a dog to do that. Yeah, what Lloyd's talking
12:29about isn't so much training, is it? Physically abusing a squirrel. Lloyd's circus would be
12:35amazing, wouldn't it? Look at this monkey, it can fly. Look at this cow, it faints.
12:46I'm not convinced that's blowing. I really think that's not at all. I think that's breathing
12:49out. I think that dog was temporarily droned in.
12:58Goldie, you didn't need to prove that you could breathe underwater.
13:05My dad used to blame our dog for blowing off all the time. Dads do that, that is a well-known
13:09dad thing. It's true. He found it a little bit more difficult when he tried to blame
13:12his three-year affair on our dog. I'll just say for the record, my dad hasn't had an affair
13:21ever. Susanna, what do you think? They can clearly pant and clearly dogs can breathe.
13:31She is good. Dogs breathe. Glad we've got you here to authenticate. I think it is time
13:37to ask an expert. We have dog behaviourist Nick Jones for you, Rod. My favourite dog
13:43behaviourist. Nick Jones. Hello, good to be here. Hello, Nick. Hi. You're a dog behaviourist.
13:51Indeed, yes. Nick, in your professional opinion, first off, do dogs have lips? Yes, they certainly
14:00do have lips. Some are more obvious depending on the way the dog's face is structured than
14:06others. Many smaller face dogs where you can see the lips. This is perfectly apparent.
14:12Can dogs blow? Well, it depends on how we define blow. They can't blow in the conventional
14:19sense of pursing the lips as if to blow out a candle, let's say. Could a dog blow up a
14:25balloon? No. No? No. Could a dog... How about with a foot pump, Nick? Could a dog blow out
14:34a match? They can, of course, exhale through the mouth, they can sneeze, all of which would
14:41in theory be able to push a ping pong ball along a table, but if we're talking about
14:46blowing in that sense of pursing the lips as if to whistle or as if to cool something
14:52down, I don't think you'll be seeing that. So just to sum up, Nick, can a dog blow, not
14:57in the conventional sense, but sort of yes and no? I am going to say no. You're going
15:04to say no. Go on, just sum it up for us neatly. No. I will take that as an answer.
15:15So, let's have a look. Who's next? Piers Morgan, shall we have a question from him? He might
15:26make you cry. Are you a fan of Piers Morgan? Yeah. Really? Well, he's a superb interviewer,
15:31isn't he? What, because he got Cheryl Cole to cry? No, he's not afraid to ask the big
15:37and difficult questions. He's not? Watch this. Am I the luckiest man in showbiz? Yes.
15:45Here's the lovely Cheryl Cole. And a panda, that's more like it. A little bit more interesting.
15:54Let's have a question from the panda. Hey Rod, I'm saving myself until I meet the right
16:00girl. Do you think this is the right idea? Well, pandas, if you ask me, if you don't
16:06pull your socks up, you lot are going to die out, so it's time to start lowering your standards.
16:11In 20 years' time, your choice is going to be pretty limited. It's going to be like chucking
16:14out time at Wetherspoons. Now, before the show started, the studio audience had the
16:21chance to send questions to me, so let's look at what you want to know. Who have we got
16:26first? Joanne Steenson, are you there? Yeah. Hello Joanne. Hello. How are you? I'm good,
16:35thanks. Good. What's your question? My question is, why are women better drivers?
16:41Can you repeat the question, why are women better drivers? That's right. They are better
16:52drivers. She knows her mind, she knows what she means. She means, why are women better
16:55drivers? Yeah, and the answer is because they haven't got anywhere important to go. Apart
17:06from Susanna, who's really important, and the women in this room. Do you think women
17:13are better drivers, Andy? I've never been a man, so I've got nothing to compare it to,
17:17but... You should try it, it's awesome. It's not based on you lot, though. Yeah, I do.
17:24How come you don't get any women on Top Gear? How come the Stig has never been a woman?
17:27How come there's no Formula One women drivers? Because I have two very quick tests to do
17:32to see if somebody's a woman. He's done it on me, it was awful. That's why I don't want
17:38to know. You can tell the Stig's not a woman, he's obviously a man. Anyway, his name was
17:44Ben Collins. Yeah, that'll do. But being a Stig is not an indication of whether you're
17:49a good driver or not. Of course it is. Women don't have to prove themselves in that way.
17:52How many women are on the leaderboard in Top Gear? Just because you're a fast driver doesn't
17:56mean you're a better driver. Oh, shut up. Thank you.
18:03Men seem to think that speed is some indication of being good. I promise you, Goldie, it's not.
18:08It is? It's not. It's a clear indication of being cool. Look at this.
18:16Do you think they're better drivers, Susanna? I think what we're establishing is that men
18:20and women have a very different definition of what a better driver is. It's a sport for
18:25men, though, isn't it? I mean, rally driving and driving... What was that, madam? Say your
18:28point again. The point is there are women rally drivers. There are women rally drivers
18:33in America, there are former... You know, women are into everything. I, you know...
18:39I agree that women rally drivers, it's just they're so slow, they haven't come past us yet.
18:47I agree with you, I think women are better drivers. I'll tell you why, it's because men
18:50are Berks. That's why...
19:00Sarah Crooks, are you out there? Yes, hello.
19:04Hello. Who's that in the photo? Is that your young man?
19:08No, that's my young man here. Oh, fair play.
19:12I'd have stuck with the first one.
19:17Sarah, what's your question?
19:21Does a hummingbird have a variety of tunes that it can hum?
19:25I don't know. Susanna, can you see what you can find out for us?
19:29I'm going to ask the panel, what do we think? Does a hummingbird have a variety of tunes
19:33it can hum? You mean like requests or something?
19:37Is it like a hummy jukebox? Like fly tunes?
19:41No one really enjoys a hum, apart from the person who's humming, though, do they?
19:45You don't walk past someone who's humming and go, wow, what a lovely hum that is.
19:49Thank God we don't have hummingbirds in this country. We don't, do we?
19:53Of course we do. We most definitely do not.
19:57Oh, Mr Definitive. Most definitely do not.
20:01How do you know that? Because they're exotic, aren't they?
20:05When you see, like, a profiteroles, you can get them all over the place.
20:09Hummingbirds don't actually hum.
20:13Oh. Say that to their face.
20:17It's their wings, isn't it? Because the wings are moving while it makes the sound.
20:21It's not like they go, hmm. No, I think the wings are moving just to keep it in the air.
20:25I thought it'd just be a hamster, wouldn't it? A humming hamster.
20:29Is it the wings that make the hum?
20:33Yeah, it's the speed of the wings when it's hovering, that makes the hum.
20:37So it's not actually humming. But it doesn't matter what makes the hum.
20:41Hummingbirds have a variety of tunes with its wings. I don't imagine so.
20:45Can we have it confirmed, Susanna, whether we do in fact have hummingbirds in this country?
20:49Because I still don't quite believe that we do. According to the RSPB,
20:53hummingbirds have never been found in Europe. Oh, God.
20:57Some birds can do impressions of other things. Some birds what?
21:01Can do impressions of other things. Some birds can do impressions of other things? Yes.
21:05Have you got something to show us? I have.
21:09That was a camera shutter.
21:15And now a camera with a motor drive.
21:25And that's a car alarm.
21:29And now...
21:37And now the sounds of foresters and their chainsaws working nearby.
21:53That's impressive.
21:57Is that an Attenborough thing? That is from David Attenborough's Life of Birds.
22:01So it's real. It's not even an internet thing.
22:05And now you've got the camera sound. People are just taking pictures of the bird all day long.
22:09Do you find it very hard to believe that there'd be a camera crew out in a place like that, dear Goldie?
22:13You'd think that clip would have changed your mind, wouldn't you?
22:17What about, how do they make the sound?
22:21It's only a hummingbird's wings that make a humming sound.
22:25It's just one note, isn't it, that they do?
22:29Even wasps do more than one note, don't they?
22:37Have we got an answer? No.
22:45So that is nearly all the questions we have had sent in this week.
22:49But Goldie, I believe that you have a question for us tonight.
22:53Yes, I do.
22:57I was thinking, what if you woke up and everybody looked the same?
23:01The principle of it, of everybody looking the same, do you like the idea of it, Lloyd?
23:05No, I think, for one thing, guess who would be a much trickier game?
23:13No, if you could press a button and change everybody in the world,
23:17so all the men look like Brad Pitt and all the women look like Angelina Jolie, would you press that button?
23:21Oh, I would press it and then turn it off again and then press it and just keep doing that.
23:29Why wouldn't you press it, Lloyd?
23:33Everybody, all the girls look like Angelina Jolie.
23:37I don't find Angelina Jolie attractive.
23:41There's no doubt that those two are beautiful, both of them,
23:45but they would cease to be beautiful if everybody looked the same.
23:50You'd fancy everyone.
23:54Who cares about variety?
23:58No, but everyone would be average.
24:02Well, don't get me wrong, I think the first 25 minutes would be ruddy brilliant.
24:06Would you not like it, Susanna?
24:10If we all looked the same, I've got a little insight into how that would be.
24:14How did you all come to be married to each other?
24:18Fred and I were in Leicester Square, sitting down and enjoying the sun
24:22and a pal of ours came up to us and he said, do you still play banjos?
24:26And we said, yes. He said, well, I've got a lovely show for you to go in
24:30and I have some wonderful wives for you as well.
24:34So we went along into the theatre and there were all twin wives waiting for us, you see.
24:38That's how we met the twins, in a show called Hello Canada.
24:42And we still play the banjo, by the way.
24:48APPLAUSE
24:52There's only one question on my mind after watching that.
24:56Why have they all got the same hair?
25:00It wasn't that, Andy. Here's the question that was on my mind.
25:04If you were them, would you just swap?
25:08That's enough, it was confusing. Just making tea is confusing, isn't it?
25:12Because you're a twin?
25:16I think it is confusing for twins, though, isn't it?
25:20You've already got one or something like that, you know?
25:24Where am I with that?
25:28You think the biggest problem of being an identical twin is wondering
25:32whether you've already made a cup of tea or not.
25:36Did I make this tea?
25:40Did I make this tea?
25:44It's a true fact!
25:48It's known that if one twin is in pain, the other can feel it.
25:52It's not known, I can't tell whose cup of tea is whose, though.
25:56APPLAUSE
26:00I would love to be where you get your facts from.
26:04It's a point, that's a point.
26:08When the twin sees another one walk past, does the twin go, is that me?
26:12Is that me?
26:16That's always the first question interviewers ask, it should be.
26:20Whenever people interview identical twins, they always say things like,
26:24when he's hurt himself, do you feel pain?
26:28When he's made a cup of tea, do you think it's yours?
26:32LAUGHTER
26:36I don't even take sugar!
26:40LAUGHTER
26:44Let's see what else we've got for us.
26:48Apparently the female most women would choose to look like is Kate Winslet.
26:52She topped a poll of 2,000 women.
26:56Who would you most like to look like?
27:00Kate Winslet wants to look like Kate Winslet after the airbrushing.
27:04LAUGHTER
27:08Terminator, I'd like to look like him.
27:12You're half way there.
27:16Which one is this?
27:20Who do you want to look like?
27:24Lloyd.
27:28Who do you want to look like, Lloyd?
27:32I know he gets a lot of stick, but I think I'd quite like to look like Simon Cowell.
27:36He's really low-maintenance, isn't he?
27:40Low-maintenance? He spends a billion quid a year on his appearance.
27:44He's in a pair of trousers, white T-shirt, just has that...
27:48LAUGHTER
27:52How much does Simon Cowell spend on his appearance?
27:56According to the Daily Mirror, Simon Cowell spends £26,000 a year on jeans.
28:00What?! On jeans?
28:04How do you spend £26,000 a year on jeans?
28:08Oh, I see.
28:12A lot of pairs of jeans.
28:16He buys quite cheap jeans, you're quite right.
28:20He spends up to £650 a year on waxing.
28:24He spends up to £16,000 a year on T-shirts and around £10,000 on his teeth.
28:28And according to the Daily Mail...
28:32You can give it to me, I'll sort his teeth out, all right?
28:36According to the Daily Mail, he spends £50 a month getting his hair dyed,
28:40and he styles it himself.
28:44No, that's no surprise, is it? We know that he shaves it around a tin of corned beef.
28:48LAUGHTER
28:52£26,000 on jeans, £10,000 on his teeth, £16,000 somewhere in there,
28:56it's about £50,000 quid that he... You said you want to look like Simon Cowell.
29:01It's absolutely ridiculous. I can make someone look like Simon Cowell for £5.
29:05You reckon you can make Lloyd look like Simon Cowell for £5?
29:09Do I get a C in this? No, you don't get a C.
29:13APPLAUSE
29:17Ready? Ready for the makeover?
29:21I'm ready. I've got the basics already sorted.
29:25You can see we've got Lloyd in the requisite Cowell clothes. How are you feeling, Lloyd?
29:29Brilliant. Brilliant! I'll tell you something, just to start with the obvious things,
29:33there is no way that Simon Cowell would have unsightly chest hair
29:37sticking out of his lovely crisp white T-shirt.
29:41We know how much he spends on waxing, don't we, Susannah? How much does he spend on waxing?
29:45Every year, £650. £650? Utterly ridiculous.
29:49I borrowed this from the make-up ladies for absolutely nothing,
29:53so let's get him...
29:57Let's get this unsightly hair sorted.
30:01Let me just jot this down. We're already making a saving of £650, am I right?
30:05Correct. Because this was absolutely free, and what's particularly brilliant
30:09about this part of the procedure is I've genuinely never done this before.
30:13Not even in rehearsal.
30:17Hold that T-shirt down for me. £650 up by the time this happens.
30:21Right, let's get rid of that.
30:25LAUGHTER
30:29Come on, Lloyd. Lloyd! Don't mess it up.
30:33It's very important to Simon that he's got a nice, smooth look.
30:37Yeah? One, two, three, go!
30:41CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
30:49Look how smooth that is, that's lovely.
30:53How much does Simon Cowell spend on his teeth, Susanna? £10,000.
30:57£10,000. How much could you do it for, Greg?
31:01Well, this piece of cake icing cost me £30.
31:05Open wide, Lloyd. What is it, cake icing?
31:09It's a simple cake icing, mate.
31:13LAUGHTER
31:17It is coming on, he's halfway to Cowell.
31:21£30 we've spent.
31:25£30, we've got £4.70 left to play with.
31:29Simon's trademark is his hair, though, mate, I need to get that sorted.
31:33I've pre-prepared this.
31:37That's definitely the right shape, but where's the colour?
31:41Well, obviously I'm not going to leave it cardboard-coloured,
31:45so let's get it the right colour now.
31:49This was £0.70.
31:53So we're about £1.05, we've spent roughly about a pound.
31:57Just a pound, I think.
32:01Look at little Lloyd sitting there making money.
32:05It's uncanny. He's almost there, isn't he? There's only one thing missing.
32:09Cowell's got bigger eyebrows than that. Of course he has, and that's the final touch, isn't it?
32:13How much are you spending on these eyebrows, Greg?
32:17I've got a good one at home, it's a Kiddy Craft paint, but I've already used it for the hair,
32:21so technically the eyebrows are free.
32:25Look at that one!
32:29LAUGHTER
32:33That's it, Simon Cowell!
32:37APPLAUSE
32:41Very good.
32:45We can't make somebody look exactly like Simon Cowell for under £2.
32:49Remarkable value, I'm sure we'll all agree. Suzanne, have you got any final facts for us
32:53on whether it would be a better or worse place if everybody looked alike?
32:57I do, Rod. Professor Robin Dunbar from Oxford University says if everyone looked the same,
33:01it would be because we were genetically identical.
33:05This would mean as a species we'd be unable to cope with the many new diseases and viruses
33:09that constantly arise, which would mean we'd soon become extinct.
33:13I think you have your answer.
33:17That is an answer.
33:21APPLAUSE
33:25So, Goldie, you asked would the world be a better place if we all looked exactly the same,
33:29and the answer is no, it's not a very good idea.
33:33And even if it was a good idea, we would all have to look like someone,
33:38like Simon Cowell.
33:42You're laughing, but seriously, imagine a world where we did all look
33:46like Simon Cowell.
33:50MUSIC
34:08MUSIC
34:12MUSIC
34:16Well, that's pretty much it for tonight, so people of Britain,
34:20if you've got a question, you can tweet the show, but for now it's thanks to Simon Cowell!
34:24Simon Cowell! Simon Cowell!
34:28My flatmate Simon Cowell, and of course the authenticator
34:32Simon Cowell. I'm Simon Cowell, and you can ask me
34:36literally anything. Good night.
34:40APPLAUSE
34:44Near the knuckle laughs coming up,
34:48we're unleashing the one and only Joan Rivers, and there'll be music from the Pet Shop Boys
34:52on the Graham Norton Show, next.
34:56APPLAUSE
35:00APPLAUSE
35:04APPLAUSE
35:08APPLAUSE