First broadcast 13th June 2018.
Jon Richardson
Lucy Beaumont
Jonathan Ross
Richard Gadd
Mae Martin
Peter Bleksley
Jon Richardson
Lucy Beaumont
Jonathan Ross
Richard Gadd
Mae Martin
Peter Bleksley
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:00🎵
00:30Hello and welcome to Ultimate Worryer, the show where I take all of the world's worries and catalogue them into a massive database.
00:43It's essentially the complete opposite of Hakuna Matata.
00:48Here's where the worries live. This is my worry index.
00:50Every worry in there has been categorised and ranked following decades of thorough analysis.
00:56Anything you see in there that's red has been classified as a severe worry.
01:00The orange worries are moderate worries, and anything I consider a low worry is dull cyan.
01:08Let's take a closer look at a couple of the worries in there, starting off with a low worry, which is this one.
01:13I worry people don't like having their grammar corrected.
01:25There are more severe worries in there, such as this one.
01:28I worry that people need to stop inventing things.
01:31I think there's a lot of stuff now we have that we perhaps don't need.
01:34Amongst those things would be the smart fridge.
01:37Samsung recently announced a smart fridge which can control your entire home.
01:42I would say the only good thing about this technology is inside there is a camera which allows you to look inside your fridge anywhere in the world,
01:49which is great news for passive-aggressive partners like myself who would take great joy in phoning home from the other side of the world
01:56to tell their significant other that of course they love them and miss them, but the cheese hasn't been wrapped properly.
02:03That's a glimpse into what's already in my worry index.
02:05Tonight we'll be logging some brand new worries, all of which are related to a particular theme,
02:09and tonight's theme is probably the most important of the whole series.
02:12We're looking at worries to do with me.
02:16Despite climate change, the threat of a nuclear dawn, and the slow elimination of every animal species on the planet,
02:21nothing keeps us awake quite like the workings of our own minds, and I'm no exception,
02:25so without further ado, in the first ever recorded use of this sentence, let's get stuck into John Richardson.
02:31Please welcome my guests for tonight, Jonathan Ross and Lucy Beaumont.
02:47Thanks for coming. So it says here that one of you is my wife.
02:52Guilty.
02:55You're my wife.
02:58Yeah, at the moment.
03:01Wow.
03:04It brings me to the first worry I need to log on tonight's show.
03:07Going straight into the list, I worry that this programme will be used as evidence in future divorce proceedings.
03:13That, as you can see, is a red severe worry.
03:16Jonathan, I sort of brought you here as a witness, I guess, just to catalogue anything that's said.
03:20Happy to oblige.
03:22Who does the worry in your marriage?
03:24In my marriage? Well, this year, it's our 30th wedding anniversary, which is remarkable.
03:29Thank you, thank you, thank you.
03:32And the only one who worries in our relationship is my wife, and she is always worried about the children.
03:37I'm not really...
03:40I forget I've got children. I mean, I really do.
03:43Until one of them calls and I have to remember who it is and why they're asking me for money,
03:47I forget they've got, you know, that they're my responsibility.
03:50For some reason, I seem incapable of worrying about it.
03:52Because your wife's worrying for you.
03:54She's doing all the worrying, which is why our relationship has survived for 30 years.
03:57Really?
03:58If a doctor told me I had about an hour to live, I'd think, oh, you're probably wrong,
04:01and then I'd forget he'd said it.
04:03Or she.
04:05So tonight we're here to discuss some of my worries. They're related to me.
04:08We'll discuss them. You'll tell me whether I should be worried about them a lot or a little bit.
04:12We'll file them away on the list that you can see there.
04:15So here's our first John Richardson-related worry for the evening.
04:18It's this one.
04:20I worry I'll die an embarrassing death.
04:22It's a particular thought I had recently.
04:25Have you ever had Marks and Spencer's vegetarian Colin the Caterpillar foam sours?
04:31Yes.
04:33I'm going to give you an instant hit of sort of sourness and fruitiness that is so exciting
04:38I have to ration how much I eat them.
04:41I did have a thought recently that what I'd like to do is get a whole bag and put them all in my mouth.
04:47And then I realized I'm going to salivate so much when I do that, I have to do it topless,
04:51because I drool all over myself.
04:53And then I thought, I'll probably have to do it in the bath, to be honest,
04:55because it's just going to go everywhere.
04:57So I'll get naked and do it in the bath.
04:59And if I choke on the sweets and I'm found naked in the bath with a mouthful of sour caterpillars,
05:07it could be misconstrued as a sexual thing.
05:11It's not good to see your wife shy away from you.
05:15Lucy, how long before you'll let him make love to you again?
05:21Have you ever thought of a similar fear of going in a particular way?
05:25There was a time when I was squeezing breast milk into a bowl wearing the electrician's shirt.
05:34I thought then, God, if I die now.
05:38I feel like you perhaps should give people a bit more information.
05:43I feel like you've cut out quite a lot.
05:45Don't get me wrong, I know what you're talking about, but I'm just thinking of the neutral.
05:48I mean, I'm seeing Jonathan's face.
05:49But where was the electrician?
05:51He'd done something in the bedroom upstairs.
05:56Again, you're sort of...
05:58I'm going to keep interrupting. It feels like you're leaving some quite key information.
06:02He'd been doing some electrics and he took off his shirt.
06:08He had a T-shirt underneath.
06:10And then I went for a nap in that room and I woke up and I was cold, so I put his shirt on.
06:17Because I thought it was Jon's shirt.
06:19And I went down and asked him if he wanted a cup of tea wearing his shirt.
06:25And then I thought he'd left the house.
06:28And I was breastfeeding and a lot of women will know, sometimes you have to express.
06:33And I just did it into a bowl and he walked in on me.
06:37And then he just went, oh, sorry.
06:39And I thought, I don't care, it's my house.
06:41And then Jon came home and said, whose shirt's that, didn't you?
06:44I thought, oh my God.
06:46And he's never been back since.
06:49I came close to death in Bristol and I lived in a bed sit.
06:54I was eating a bag of pork scratchings.
06:57This was back in my meat days.
06:59And one got lodged in my throat and I couldn't breathe.
07:02And I was on my own in a bed sit. It wasn't there.
07:05Enjoying this one, Jonathan?
07:07Because you're still sitting here, so it has a happy ending.
07:10Well, luckily, I'd seen a thing about if you're on your own and you start choking,
07:13you obviously can't Heimlich yourself.
07:15So what you have to do is run backwards as fast as you can into a wall.
07:23And this is where being in a bed sit saved my life, because it's very cramped.
07:26There was a wall very close on either side.
07:28If I'd have lived in a bigger house, I could have died that day.
07:31But a few paces back, slammed into the wall, out came the pork scratching,
07:36survived to tell the tale.
07:38Oh, thank heavens.
07:39That's such a northern way to die, isn't it?
07:46Let's get some science to back up the risks of these things happening.
07:50Here to run the numbers on how dying an embarrassing death
07:52is more likely than you might think,
07:54here's an important message from Mae Martin
07:56on why you should be worried about an embarrassing death.
07:58I'm really sorry to have to be the one to tell you this,
08:01but every single one of you is going to die.
08:04We're all going to die?
08:05And the worst part is we don't even get to choose how we're going to go.
08:08I did.
08:09What I'm saying is death is inevitable, but a cool death is not.
08:13If we did get to choose, then I'd like to go in a very memorable way,
08:16like all five Spice Girls standing around me and gently suffocating me.
08:21I don't want to do that.
08:23Unfortunately, the reality is the chances are your death is not going to be cool.
08:27It's going to be embarrassing.
08:29Did you know you're four times more likely to get killed by a cow than by a shark?
08:33Olivia.
08:34Which means if Steven Spielberg had been a little bit more concerned
08:37with statistical accuracy, he should have made a movie called Utters.
08:43We're going to need a bigger bucket.
08:45You know what else is more deadly than sharks?
08:48Yep, you guessed it.
08:50Vending machines.
08:54In the last 30 years, more people have been crushed to death
08:57by falling vending machines than have been eaten by sharks.
09:00Look, it's not the most dignified way to shuffle off the mortal coil,
09:03but at least you get a really good final meal.
09:08I wonder what the odds are for dying from a really bad paper cut
09:11or being run over by a clown car
09:13or passing out while blowing up a sex doll.
09:18That would be a memorable way to go.
09:20But let's face it, the only thing more inevitable than death
09:23is the inevitability that most of us will suffer a mundane,
09:27run-of-the-mill, unglamorous end.
09:30Oh well.
09:35There are 127 reported selfie deaths in the last 18 months
09:40between March 2014 and September 2016.
09:45That's Darwinian, isn't it?
09:47Good, I'm glad.
09:48Trimming the herd.
09:49If I had to call it, how you die.
09:53I like this game. This is a fun game.
09:55Let's find amazing ways that Jon could die.
09:57Cos it's not going to be embarrassing, cos you don't, like you say,
10:01you don't do anything...
10:02Don't push the envelope.
10:03...that wild, do you?
10:04I lick it, I won't push it.
10:05I think just peacefully, but, like, in a Morrison's cafe.
10:10Oh.
10:11Man, that's so bleak.
10:14Just, and, you know, like, maybe they won't notice for an hour or so.
10:17Yeah.
10:20So there are, you can win an award for an embarrassing death.
10:23There's a branch of awards called the Darwin Awards,
10:26and they're called that because they trim the gene pool.
10:29So, in 2009, a woman from Devon fell off a cliff
10:32while chasing a feather that was floating by.
10:34Oh, no.
10:35There are people out there who you can identify,
10:38I'm in this at grassroots level,
10:40and I think sometimes you can identify people who say,
10:42do you know what, you've got real potential there,
10:44you keep on like that, you could win a Darwin Award.
10:46So here are some of the people I'm tipping for future success.
10:49If you can't see what's going on here,
10:51they're having a lovely time in the hot tub.
10:53Got their beers on the go there.
10:54Oh, no.
10:55This is a barbecue.
10:56And so they can light their tunes,
10:58just a four-gang adapter floating on some...
11:02Floating on some flip-flops there.
11:05Here is a gentleman who is testing, I guess,
11:08the limits of his refrigerator.
11:10So you'll see he's on a golf course, he's set his fridge up,
11:14he wants to see if he can shoot the fridge with a bullet,
11:17and he can.
11:25Oh, shit!
11:30Oh, shit!
11:33I would do that.
11:35I mean, doesn't that look like so much fun?
11:38I didn't think I would inspire you this evening.
11:40I mean, I would like to do that.
11:42The twinkle in your eye, Jonathan, is terrifying.
11:46So did you perhaps notice anything, a link between those clips?
11:50They're all gentlemen, and there is now
11:52a British medical journal-approved phenomenon
11:55which is called the male idiot theory.
11:59Researchers have deduced that men are far more likely
12:02to engage in what they call senseless risks
12:05where the apparent payoff is negligible or non-existent,
12:08and the outcome is extremely negative and often final.
12:13Yeah, but they've missed out the word fun there.
12:17Can we just ask the men in the audience,
12:19if you thought there was a relatively good chance
12:21that you could dodge out of the way,
12:23how many of you would shoot a fridge?
12:26Yes!
12:28See that? I'm disappointed in some of you,
12:31but proud of all of you who put your hands up.
12:33And that's why we get to statistics like this.
12:35Since the Darwin Awards began,
12:37they've been handed out, on the whole,
12:3988.7% to men and 12.3% of Darwin Awards to women,
12:45which is either because men are stupid
12:48or just another bloody sign that women aren't getting
12:51the opportunities they deserve.
12:55APPLAUSE
12:59Do you feel, cos Jonathan's sort of gone for the fridge thing,
13:02is there any of those clips where you thought,
13:04do you know what, that looked like a bit of a laugh?
13:06Do you think you're a risk-taker?
13:08Yeah, but I wouldn't ever... Shoot a fridge?
13:10I'm careful in that respect, yeah.
13:12You don't even close ours.
13:17I was thinking...
13:19I nearly didn't say that.
13:21When I saw that clip, I was thinking,
13:23I don't like doing that every time you say,
13:25close the fridge.
13:27My worry that I'll die an embarrassing death.
13:29We're going to log that now into my worry index,
13:31so you can tell me.
13:33I've laid out all the facts.
13:35How much do you think I should worry?
13:37These are sort of my big worries.
13:39People who say holly bobs.
13:41Yeah, anyone who says that. Don't want to meet them.
13:43I'm actually more worried about your embarrassing death,
13:45cos I think I've realised I'm not that much of a risk-taker.
13:47It's probably down there for me.
13:49I'm worried that I've sort of inspired Jonathan.
13:51I think I might put one up top for you, Jonathan,
13:53and I'll put mine down there next to the cardigan.
13:55My embarrassing death.
14:01That's it for this part.
14:03I would usually tell you now to go and make a cup of tea in the break,
14:05but you'll only end up sticking your head in the plug,
14:07so sit tight and we'll see you in a bit.
14:21CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
14:27Welcome back to Generous' Ultimate Worrier,
14:29where tonight we're discussing worries to do with me.
14:31My next worry is this.
14:33I worry I'm a wanted man.
14:35I read a survey recently that said 74% of people are guilty
14:39of what they call microcrimes.
14:41So I'm going to list you some microcrimes.
14:43You can tell me whether you've done them or not.
14:45Illegally streaming TV shows, movies or music.
14:47Yes.
14:49I've tried to do it. I've no idea. I've tried.
14:51In my defence, whenever I've done that,
14:53I've always bought it again afterwards.
14:55OK.
14:57It's only when I've been annoyed that I haven't been able to get it as quickly as I want,
14:59and being a baby, I want it now.
15:01Avoided paying a fare on public transport.
15:03Yes.
15:07I mean, not recently, this was about 40 years ago,
15:09but, I mean, I'm still, I'm being honest here.
15:11I've seen you do this, so put your hand up.
15:13I was thinking about writing a book about it.
15:15A how book?
15:17I'll be honest, just to help other people
15:19who need to use trains a lot,
15:21like on the day, you know,
15:23and you book on the day,
15:25because I became an expert,
15:27got quite savvy.
15:29So you've got all the techniques?
15:31Yeah, the best one to use,
15:33especially if it's a male conductor and you're a female.
15:35Actually, it doesn't matter if you're not,
15:37you don't have to be female.
15:39When they come and get the ticket,
15:41just get a bag of tampons,
15:43and just have them all spread across the chair.
15:47And they just, they can't be bothered with it,
15:49they're just like, oh, don't worry.
15:51And then just root around, you know, for your ticket,
15:53like, oh, will it work?
15:55I'm particularly interested by the point at which you said,
15:57do you know what, you don't have to be female for this to work.
15:59It doesn't matter, does it?
16:01I don't think I'm going to get away with that.
16:03You've got your ticket, but all the tampons!
16:07I think I've broken a number of laws.
16:09I'll be honest, I've gone pretty deep into this,
16:11and I've researched myself, sort of wire-style.
16:13I've really got deep on this.
16:15So my glamorous assistants, the two Johns here,
16:17will bring out my crime wall.
16:19These are all the things I think I've done wrong over time.
16:23I'm going to fess up to them now.
16:25Have you taken legal advice before doing this?
16:27Because you might wind up in trouble as a result.
16:29Do you think?
16:31Well, we'll find out, but, you know, it's a big bowl.
16:33There's some big things I've done. Thanks, lads.
16:35See you at the pool later, boys.
16:41So, crime number one...
16:43You look good behind bars.
16:49Thank you, I think.
16:51Fraud.
16:53So when I was about six or seven,
16:55I signed up for some 3D dinosaur cards.
16:57I knew I couldn't pay for them.
16:59I was six.
17:01They sent me about four or five copies
17:03before I was about, I don't know, 16, 17 pounds in debt by then.
17:05I was issued with a genuine court summons,
17:07at which point I cried and shit my pants.
17:11But I did not pay.
17:13Crime number two...
17:15Identity theft.
17:17Whenever I'm in a hotel or on public transport
17:19and I'm asked to put my email address into Wi-Fi,
17:21I do not use my email address.
17:23I use the email address...
17:25Because I don't want spam,
17:27and I assume anyone with the email address...
17:29is a twat.
17:33Crime number three...
17:35Illegal horn use.
17:37Whilst exiting Bristol in 2008,
17:39I was on the bottom hill when I was caught up
17:41by a truck driver.
17:43I alerted him to his error by using the horn at 6.45am.
17:45I knew you're not supposed to use your horn
17:47in a built-up area till 7am.
17:49I did it anyway.
17:51Broke the law.
17:53Crime number four...
17:55Drug smuggling.
17:57Whilst on a honeymoon with my wife...
18:01On a flight from New Orleans
18:03to Las Vegas,
18:05I smuggled a drug
18:07through a barrier at the airport.
18:09That drug was a multivitamin.
18:11They didn't know that.
18:13Crime number five...
18:15Manslaughter. I have killed seven people.
18:21Accidentally, I think most of them electricians.
18:23We've got beef.
18:25So if the police were to come after me,
18:27I'm confident that I'd roll into a ball
18:29and submit willingly.
18:31But just how easy is it to evade the police?
18:33Let's find out as Richard Gadd
18:36Being accused of a crime you didn't commit.
18:38Everyone's worst nightmare,
18:40apart from being accused of a crime you did commit
18:42and being a victim of crime.
18:47So what do you do in that situation?
18:49Instead of a standard report,
18:51I suggested to John Richardson that we create
18:53a real-life simulation
18:55and see what happens when you try to escape
18:57in one of the CCTV capitals of the world.
18:59Thankfully, John accepted.
19:01And for the second time,
19:03I am his willing guinea pig.
19:05This time, though, it doesn't involve me being strapped
19:07to a radiator in a Plymouth travel lodge.
19:11So how do you disappear without a trace?
19:13Seeing as my dad wasn't here to give me advice,
19:15I met with two surveillance experts
19:17to brief me on what to do.
19:19I'm here with Peter Blexley,
19:21star of Channel 4's Hunted.
19:23He has been a detective for over 20 years,
19:25and in that time, he has busted
19:27international drug cartels, terrorists,
19:29and the mafia.
19:31I'm also here with...
19:33Fred Morris.
19:35Peter, I've been accused of a crime I didn't commit
19:37and I need to flee.
19:39Can you tell me what to do in that situation?
19:41And if you can break it down into six steps,
19:43that would be very palatable from a television point of view.
19:45Step one.
19:47You're gonna need money.
19:49Take out as much cash as you possibly can.
19:51Get rid of your mobile phone.
19:53It's like carrying a tracker around with you.
19:55And get rid of credit cards,
19:57debit cards.
19:59If you use them, they will leave a trace.
20:01To avoid CCTV,
20:03leave the city immediately.
20:05Take a black cab
20:07and pay cash.
20:09If you can't get out of the city,
20:11then you need to disguise yourself.
20:13Do whatever you've gotta do
20:15to make yourself unrecognizable.
20:17Find yourself
20:19a remote hideout
20:21near a water source.
20:23Travel there by foot
20:25and exploit the dark hours.
20:27You know, for me,
20:29the dark hours are actually the morning time.
20:31That's when things get sort of most bleak.
20:37Build yourself a well-hidden shelter
20:39to keep yourself safe,
20:41dry,
20:43and warm.
20:45Okay, I think that's all clear.
20:47And who are you?
20:49I'm the one that's tracking you down.
20:51Ah, right.
20:53I should have probably got all this information with you
20:55up in the room, then.
21:01Fred Morris agreed to give me a 15-minute head start.
21:03This wasn't gonna be easy.
21:05There are over 5 million CCTV cameras
21:07in Britain today.
21:09That's one for every Scottish person.
21:17365.
21:19I probably shouldn't have told John I'd do this for free.
21:21Go.
21:29You know we would have just held on to those for you?
21:33Taxi!
21:35Just get me out of the city.
21:47That's all I could afford.
21:49That's all I could afford.
21:55He's on foot.
22:07What do we do now?
22:09You've got to get to the countryside.
22:11I've traced a ticket under his mum's name.
22:13He's catching the Megabus
22:15to Oxfordshire.
22:17There's water.
22:21Hold on.
22:23Is that my phone?
22:27Let's get this bad boy up.
22:33What's wrong?
22:35You know, it's a tent, but it's not a home.
22:41Well, safe to say I think I've won this.
22:47We've got him.
22:49Oh, fuck!
22:57What do you think, then?
22:59Could you survive off-grid?
23:01Oh, it'd be exciting, wouldn't it?
23:03But we want to go caravanning, don't we, sir?
23:05It's not that much different, is it?
23:07Don't say that on telly.
23:09You'll ruin the persona I've created.
23:11It's one of TV's hardening.
23:13Let's say I go to prison.
23:15It's referred to in prison as fresh meat.
23:17No, no, no.
23:19You're nowhere near pretty enough to be fresh meat.
23:21You look shifty.
23:23You look slightly fucked by life.
23:25There's no way.
23:27Do you still find him attractive, Lucy?
23:29You can tell us here.
23:31I mean, I know you have to say yes,
23:33but, I mean, really?
23:35No.
23:37Obviously, prison life is no laughing matter.
23:39I think you'd thrive in that environment, John.
23:41Because, no, and truthfully,
23:43I honestly think he'd love it for about a week.
23:45Cos we went on an all-inclusive holiday.
23:47And I died because they said,
23:49you have to go and eat at the same time every day
23:51at the same chair.
23:53He loved it.
23:55I requested that.
23:57So you think the order, the rules and the order
23:59and the regulations...
24:01Oh, he'd love it. He'd love it.
24:03I mean, you're pretty good with figures, aren't you?
24:05He'd love it.
24:07He'd love it.
24:09I mean, are you pretty good with figures?
24:11You're a tidy bit.
24:13So say you were doing the accounts for a couple of bosses in there,
24:15then you would be protected.
24:17You'd be under their wing of protection.
24:19So you'd be a valued member of the prison community.
24:21OK, and also...
24:23LAUGHTER
24:25And clearly you are the sort of person
24:27who is not trustworthy,
24:29so you would probably be on the side of the guards as well.
24:31You'd be snitching. Snitching, yes.
24:33I suspect you'd come out of it as, like,
24:35the king of the jail.
24:37That's amazing. You'd be popular, Jon.
24:39Go to... Jon, go...
24:41LAUGHTER
24:43APPLAUSE
24:45I sort of know you're both teasing me,
24:47but it doesn't matter, I'm still really enjoying it.
24:49The minute you said
24:51valued member of the community,
24:53I haven't been that for so long.
24:55I mean, we're going to log this worry, I'll be honest.
24:57It was read that I was going to prison,
24:59and now that I'm not only on sides
25:01with the crimps,
25:03I'm also snitching, so I'm up with the guards.
25:05I imagine they bring me Snickers and sweets.
25:07LAUGHTER
25:09Erm... I mean, Lebo is on there.
25:11It sort of feels like he sort of relates
25:13to this conversation.
25:15I would put it in the middle of Lebo
25:17and accidental gang signs, yes.
25:19There it goes. The man has spoken.
25:21Wanted man.
25:23APPLAUSE
25:27That's it for part two. We'll see you after the break.
25:29APPLAUSE
25:35APPLAUSE
25:47Welcome back to Ultimate Worrier,
25:49where tonight we're looking at worries
25:51exclusively to do with me, Jon Richardson.
25:53Let's see what's in store for me
25:55with the worries that my guests have brought.
25:57Jonathan, do you have a Jon Richardson-related worry?
25:59My worry for Jon Richardson
26:01is that you will die, because you will die, of course,
26:03and you will die never really having had,
26:05like, a crazy, wild,
26:07big, free,
26:09spur-of-the-moment,
26:11bacchanalian,
26:13disgraceful night out.
26:15LAUGHTER
26:17I think I'd probably die if I had one.
26:19LAUGHTER
26:21My issue with this is it sounds great when you say,
26:23like, oh, crazy, free. The reality is
26:25it just gets shitter as the night goes on.
26:27LAUGHTER
26:29Have you ever been out anywhere and then found out,
26:31like, you're out at someone's house and then you find out
26:33someone's done a shitting of ours?
26:35LAUGHTER
26:37And no-one knows who it is and everyone has a lot of fun talking about...
26:39LAUGHTER
26:41That happened to me once and it was actually,
26:43I know it doesn't sound like the most fun,
26:45but it's one of my favourite nights out when I think back.
26:47LAUGHTER
26:49Because we still can't work out who did it, why,
26:51or, more crucially, when, because there was always...
26:53LAUGHTER
26:55It's sort of like an Agatha Christie.
26:57I think what they've done is not...
26:59LAUGHTER
27:01They've probably gone and done it in the toilet...
27:03Not their business.
27:05..and not been able to flush it,
27:07so then just taken it out and put it in a vase.
27:09LAUGHTER
27:11The natural reaction. I'd be very embarrassed if this was found here.
27:13Why didn't that occur to us?
27:15It now seems to make such sense.
27:17If I have one skill in life,
27:19and that's probably fairly accurate,
27:21it's knowing when to bail.
27:23That's what I think. I think that point on a night out,
27:25my dream is you go out on a night out
27:27and the next morning you say,
27:29so what happened after I left?
27:31And people say, not a lot, it went a bit shit after that.
27:33Not that I think I'm the fun,
27:35but just that I found exactly the moment,
27:37oh, we're not going to be able to hear each other talk after this.
27:39John, they're all waiting for you to go.
27:41LAUGHTER
27:43The minute you go, they go,
27:45shit can get real!
27:47I do feel at a house party that I'm always
27:49what dictates the shit room.
27:51Everyone goes, oh, the kitchen's always the best room,
27:53and then when I go in the kitchen, it dries up a bit.
27:55Yeah.
27:57It doesn't have to be extreme, it doesn't have to be drunk.
27:59LAUGHTER
28:01He's right.
28:03I agree, and I would certainly commit to those moments,
28:05because when we met,
28:07you lived a very different life to me.
28:09You've had those nights, haven't you?
28:11I don't think you tell me about them,
28:13because I haven't, but you've had some mad nights out,
28:15haven't you? Yeah.
28:17LAUGHTER
28:19I get the feeling I was the sort of point
28:21in your life you decided that that was enough.
28:23Yeah.
28:25And you just thought, well, I'll marry the guy in the cardigan.
28:27LAUGHTER
28:29So, I have had nights where
28:31I did what you're talking about,
28:33I carried on drinking well beyond the
28:35three or four pint mark.
28:37So I'm going to show you a picture now,
28:39which I think illustrates
28:41why I stopped doing that.
28:43Because I genuinely believe that
28:45it's the worst picture
28:47I could conceive of, and the idea
28:49that I look like this on those nights
28:51stops me going on.
28:53And I genuinely am worried that
28:55this is going to change your perception of me.
28:57Because it's such a monstrous
28:59troll-like ogre.
29:01LAUGHTER
29:03I'm so sorry.
29:05Here he is.
29:07LAUGHTER
29:09Oh!
29:11LAUGHTER
29:13Ah, my pretty!
29:15LAUGHTER
29:17It is, it's legal.
29:19So, let's file this worry.
29:21It needs to go somewhere up here. Slow dancing...
29:23Put it in between overpopulation and slow dancing,
29:25because you would be slow dancing on your night out.
29:27Oh, there we go. Well, let's file it away, then.
29:29No big nights out. And I will have one.
29:31APPLAUSE
29:37So now it's Lucy's turn to suggest
29:39a John Richland-related worry. I will point out
29:41at this point that I have been prevented
29:43from knowing what your concern about me is.
29:45I think to protect my own sanity.
29:47But I have no idea what you're about to say.
29:49So, Lucy, do you have a
29:51me-related worry?
29:53LAUGHTER
29:55Go on, then. I've got a lot.
29:57I mean, pick one, and we'll do the rest
29:59in the car on the way home.
30:01LAUGHTER
30:03Sometimes I worry
30:05that I've made a mistake.
30:07LAUGHTER
30:09APPLAUSE
30:13OK, I'll leave you two to talk about
30:15what we asked.
30:17Do you want to be any more specific?
30:19Well, one thing I think that's really hard
30:21in a marriage is
30:23when the other person
30:25can't admit when they're wrong.
30:27Yes.
30:29Can't say, sorry, I've made a mistake.
30:31That's crucial.
30:33There's no way a relationship can survive without that.
30:35But you can't judge me on that until I make a mistake.
30:37LAUGHTER
30:39APPLAUSE
30:41APPLAUSE
30:45And he honestly thinks that I'm the flawed one
30:47and that you never
30:49make a mistake.
30:51I have an example, and it's quite...
30:53It's not, you know, a pleasant story to tell,
30:55actually, but we went,
30:57on our honeymoon,
30:59we got a car, we went around America,
31:01so John looked up, cos we were going
31:03down the coast, and he said,
31:05he found on the map, just look to the map,
31:07it says Santa Cruz, and John booked
31:09a motel,
31:11booked it and paid for it online,
31:13and then I looked up Santa Cruz,
31:15and it has the worst homicide rate
31:17in the whole of America.
31:19LAUGHTER
31:21Worse than LA.
31:23Like, the most dangerous place to be.
31:25I told this to John, and he said,
31:27well, I've booked it now.
31:29LAUGHTER
31:31I've booked a room.
31:33So we went, we went into this falafel bar,
31:35and we sat in the window,
31:37and we're looking out onto the sea,
31:39and I did think,
31:41this is starting to get a bit later,
31:43things are turning a bit,
31:45and then he wouldn't have any of it,
31:47and anyway, a gang turned up,
31:49and one of them got stabbed
31:51in the chest,
31:53and I looked at John,
31:55he remained emotionless.
31:57LAUGHTER
31:59Like, he was looking at two pigeons
32:01having a fight.
32:03And I was in shock, I said,
32:05oh, I can't eat this.
32:07So John ate my falafel.
32:09LAUGHTER
32:11As well.
32:13And I said, are you not bothered?
32:15And all because he didn't want to admit
32:17that we were in a dangerous place.
32:19So why could he not admit you were wrong, John?
32:21I didn't stab him.
32:23LAUGHTER
32:25But when Lucy pointed out,
32:27maybe we shouldn't stay in this place,
32:29because it's quite dangerous.
32:31Well, I feel like if I,
32:33I mean, it's...
32:35A man got stabbed!
32:37Yes, but not in the place,
32:39like he wasn't on the glass going,
32:41ah, help!
32:43But John, we're not saying you were in the wrong place in the restaurant,
32:45we're saying you were in the wrong place in Santa Cruz,
32:47which you decided that you should both stop at.
32:49And that's what Lucy wants you to admit.
32:51Was it the right decision to go to Santa Cruz?
32:53It was our decision.
32:55No, no, no.
32:57LAUGHTER
32:59I can't do it, I can't say sorry.
33:01What was your mistake?
33:03I think we perhaps should have stayed in the motel.
33:05I think my mistake was in committing to
33:07what I was told would be a wild night out.
33:09LAUGHTER
33:11I wanted to take a risk.
33:13It was...
33:15Oh, come on, John.
33:17It was a mistake to go to Santa Cruz.
33:19Yes.
33:21APPLAUSE
33:23Well done.
33:25APPLAUSE
33:27Thank you.
33:29I made the mistake.
33:31LAUGHTER
33:33I am sorry that we went to Santa Cruz.
33:35Aw, well done.
33:37I mean, while we're here,
33:39is there anything else you'd like to bring up?
33:41I worry you've got no soul.
33:43LAUGHTER
33:45No, I don't mean...
33:47I mean, soul, soul.
33:49So you don't mean you feel he's empty inside and dead?
33:51No, oh, no, no.
33:53Everyone's got soul,
33:55but I feel that you need to be more in touch with it,
33:57because he doesn't...
33:59Anywhere where people are happy, he gets...
34:01He doesn't like it.
34:03I like people who are quietly enjoying themselves.
34:05Right.
34:07What I don't like is places where I'm...
34:09It becomes a physical manifesto.
34:11Like, I like a gig. I'll go and watch a band,
34:13as long as there are chairs.
34:15Do you dance at gigs if there's good music? What?
34:17I don't dance out of gigs. I don't dance.
34:19Dancing is an arrogant display that says,
34:21look how much I've enjoyed myself.
34:23You must have danced, but do you not enjoy dancing with Lucy?
34:25No, because it's... I sort of feel like she wants to dance,
34:27and dancing with me is like wanting to dance
34:29but being strapped to an ironing board.
34:31It's about...
34:33I just... I really...
34:35If you just let yourself go once,
34:37then I think you'll always be able to do it.
34:39I think... Do you not think it might benefit to see him let himself go?
34:41It feels... I honestly have the same feeling
34:43as if you were saying,
34:45I just think if you let us strip you naked and tickle you.
34:47No, don't...
34:49Yes, come on!
34:51APPLAUSE
34:53I don't want to!
34:55I don't want to!
34:57Loosen your shoulders.
34:59WHISTLE BLOWS
35:01Come on, come on.
35:03Loosen your... Do your shoulder dance.
35:05WHISTLE BLOWS
35:07Get those hips moving.
35:09Get your arms down.
35:11And just a little bit of knees.
35:13WHISTLE BLOWS
35:15WHISTLE BLOWS
35:17That's it.
35:19And then jump.
35:21You can clap.
35:23I'll just... I'll watch you.
35:25Come on, back up.
35:27Do you understand?
35:29No!
35:31Do your hips.
35:33Do your earthquake dance.
35:35When you did your earthquake dance.
35:37WHISTLE BLOWS
35:39WHISTLE BLOWS
35:41Smooth it. Smooth it like that.
35:43Touch your neck.
35:45Touch your neck.
35:47That's it. Do your hips.
35:49Just let yourself go.
35:51Just let go.
35:53That's it, that's it.
35:55OK, that was remarkable.
35:57Well done, Jon.
35:59APPLAUSE
36:03I hope you enjoyed that,
36:05because no TV viewer will ever see that.
36:07The soul is definitely in there, Lucy, isn't it?
36:09Yeah, oh, yeah.
36:11Did you feel some soul there when you were grinding?
36:13I felt something.
36:15I'm going to log that now into my worry index.
36:17Well, this is really for yours to log,
36:19so you tell me where this needs to go.
36:21If you put it right at the top,
36:23then it becomes my biggest worry
36:25and it becomes the thing I think about the most.
36:27Not having a good rhythm.
36:29I believe we're filing that you've made a mistake.
36:31LAUGHTER
36:33Yeah, it doesn't sound so great when you hear it back, does it?
36:35LAUGHTER
36:37This has been massive.
36:39I mean, you've just apologised for the first time.
36:41Oh, God, yeah.
36:43So we've downgraded to orange.
36:45The fact that you're still so uncomfortable
36:47about the apology you gave means it's probably...
36:49If there's a colour above red, it should possibly go there.
36:51LAUGHTER
36:53So matching outfits are micro in that sort of area?
36:55Yeah? Yeah.
36:57Happy with that? Yeah. Let's get it on.
36:59Lucy's worried she's made a terrible mistake.
37:01APPLAUSE
37:05That's it for part three. Join us after the break.
37:07APPLAUSE
37:15CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
37:21Welcome back to Ultimate Worrier.
37:23We're looking at brand-new worries to do with John Richardson.
37:25And my next worry is this one.
37:27I worry I'm the world's biggest John Richardson fan.
37:29LAUGHTER
37:31I think I have too much of my own stuff,
37:33if you know what I mean.
37:35Oh, she's shaking her head.
37:37I have a large collection of John Richardson-related memorabilia.
37:39Not from comedy, but just from my life,
37:41that it felt at the time
37:43should be significant and that I should keep,
37:45and I worry now I've sort of tipped to the point
37:47where I've got too much old stuff,
37:49and to throw it away now feels sort of disrespectful of the past.
37:51This is some of the stuff that I've kept from my life,
37:53brought on by someone I pay to look like me for a living.
37:55Thank you very much. Cheers, John.
37:57It's like a version of John with soul, isn't it?
37:59LAUGHTER
38:01So this is some of the stuff that I have,
38:03from points in my life.
38:05So this is the tie from the first-ever job I had.
38:07It's a tie from the first-ever job I had.
38:09It's a tie from the first-ever job I had.
38:11It's a tie from the first-ever job I had.
38:13And I just thought,
38:15I'm never going to encounter a tie that disgusting again.
38:17And it reminds me of the first-ever job I had,
38:19which felt like a significant moment in my life.
38:21And you've got a daughter now. Yes.
38:23But don't you think the time that you spend
38:25looking at a tie
38:27and getting wistful for a shit job you had 30 years ago
38:29might better be spent
38:31enjoying time with her?
38:33I mean, I wouldn't say to Lucy,
38:35like, oh, can you look after our daughter?
38:37I need to go up and look at the tie.
38:39I don't know if I believe that.
38:41I bet you carve out a bit of personal time
38:43for going through your... browsing through your old box.
38:45These are like in a box in the loft.
38:47OK. Jon, throw the tie away.
38:49This is a certificate I was given at school.
38:51Throw it away.
38:53For very good work and sensible behaviour.
38:55LAUGHTER
38:59It's just a piece of, like, debris from your past.
39:01It's like, it doesn't mean anything.
39:03The truth is, Jon,
39:05it's not just this, it's that you're a massive hoarder
39:07and you don't just...
39:09LAUGHTER
39:13This was alarming, though, this, Jonathan.
39:15You know how, like,
39:17you have inspirational quotes?
39:19Like, you know, like,
39:21it's not the destination, it's the journey.
39:23The first step.
39:25Yeah. Jon,
39:27at these, hanging up,
39:29the hidden enemy
39:31is the one we can no longer hurt.
39:33The warrior does not consider revenge
39:35because the hidden enemy
39:37is no longer part of his story.
39:39What the f... does that mean?
39:41LAUGHTER
39:43What?
39:45When and where was this?
39:47Do you know what's tragic in the tone of this conversation?
39:49That what that quote means is
39:51you shouldn't burden yourself with things from your past.
39:53I made it to reread that.
39:55I mean, this is genuinely unsettling, Jon.
39:57You know, in the film Seven,
39:59when they finally get into his house,
40:01this is the sort of shit that's going on in the book.
40:03I've just seen this thing here,
40:05and this is one of the most tragic
40:07and inadvertently funny things I've ever seen.
40:09I mean, cos I don't consider you,
40:11to be honest with you,
40:13a functioning adult mind.
40:15LAUGHTER
40:17Properly, but compared to this,
40:19God, you have made some progress,
40:21and for that you should be applauded,
40:23because this says,
40:25be transparent in your actions,
40:27be something in your plans,
40:29and he's gone to the trouble of taping it over and covering it,
40:31LAUGHTER
40:33APPLAUSE
40:35And is that...
40:37That's really...
40:39Isn't that not kind of...
40:41I mean, doesn't that creep you out a bit?
40:43Well, I can see that, like, some of that,
40:45I'm willing to let go of some of this,
40:47because ultimately it's just stuff you
40:49and our child will have to go through when I'm dead.
40:51Oh.
40:53I have... One of the Johns is standing by,
40:55depending on the sort of confidence I felt
40:57having had this conversation,
40:59for me to set fire to some of these things.
41:01Oh, wow.
41:03John, can I keep this stuff,
41:05because I don't want you to have any more,
41:07but I want to have a laugh at this when I get home.
41:09Well, you can keep my inspirational quotes,
41:11and I'll burn...
41:13I'll burn my certificate for sensible behaviour.
41:15Oh, no!
41:17Don't burn that.
41:19Keep that, because your daughter...
41:21No, no, burn the fucking tie.
41:23Keep that.
41:25No-one cares about the tie.
41:27Just burn that.
41:29Just burn that horrible tie.
41:31The tie needs to go, yeah, yeah.
41:33I'm worried about that burning, though.
41:35You're worried about setting fire to something in a basement,
41:37two floors underground?
41:39Live a little.
41:41LAUGHTER
41:43APPLAUSE
41:45It's come a long way.
41:47You cannot destroy the past.
41:49Oh, there it goes.
41:51There it goes.
41:53That is quite... It's quite quick.
41:55It's so not a fabric.
41:57It's like made out of metal or something.
41:59There we go.
42:01I think we should give it a round of applause, don't you?
42:03APPLAUSE
42:05Goodbye to the old John, hello to the new.
42:07Yes!
42:09There we go.
42:13I've genuinely enjoyed that, thank you.
42:15It went a bit deeper than some of the worries we've had.
42:17So we're going to log the worry
42:19that I am the world's biggest John Richardson fan.
42:21I do feel good.
42:23I was ready to burn the lot down then.
42:25Burn the fucking studio down!
42:27LAUGHTER
42:29I think it's low now, I feel really good.
42:31So I think it's right down here now.
42:33Right at the bottom?
42:35I think putting it right at the bottom, this one,
42:37I think you've exercised this fear.
42:39I have, that felt really good. There it goes.
42:41I'm the biggest John Richardson fan, the lowest worry of all!
42:43APPLAUSE
42:47So I think that's it for what has been
42:49quite a difficult experience for all of us.
42:51Is there anything that we've discussed this evening
42:53that will stay with you?
42:55I actually think you've made some progress
42:57and I'm looking forward to seeing you next week.
42:59Oh.
43:01See if we can finish the job.
43:03Costing me a fortune, this.
43:05APPLAUSE
43:07That's it for this week on Ultimate Worryer.
43:09Thanks again to my guest Lucy Bowman and Jonathan Ross!
43:11CHEERING
43:15Here's what I've learned this week.
43:17I've learned that Dave will soon be receiving a bill
43:19for therapy, marriage guidance, a new holiday to America
43:21and, most importantly, a brand-new tie.
43:23Goodnight!
43:25CHEERING
43:49WHISTLING