First broadcast 23rd May 2018.
Jon Richardson
Sara Pascoe
Joe Wilkinson
Mae Martin
Rose Matafeo
James Norris
Jon Richardson
Sara Pascoe
Joe Wilkinson
Mae Martin
Rose Matafeo
James Norris
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:00I'm going to play a little bit of the song, and I'm going to play a little bit of the
00:30song, and I'm going to play it with you.
00:37Hello and welcome to Ultimate Worry Order, the show where I calmly discuss the world's
00:41worries with my guests and file them neatly away because otherwise I'd just be at home
00:46throwing oven chips across my living room screaming, won't somebody think of the bumblebees?
00:50Here's where all my worries live, this is my worry index.
00:55Every worry the world has ever had has been carefully categorised and ranked following
00:59decades of thorough analysis.
01:02Anything red in there is what I consider to be a severe worry, orange is a moderate worry,
01:07and anything I consider to be a low worry is aquamarine.
01:12Let's take a closer look at a couple of worries, starting with a low one, I worry I'll develop
01:17a knot allergy.
01:18I don't have a knot allergy yet, but it does happen that you acquire them, and I don't
01:22want my last ever meal to be a walnut alone in a wood.
01:27After that we've got more severe worries like this one, I worry that the divorce rate
01:32means I'll never stop having to go to weddings.
01:35Don't get me wrong, I was delighted for you the first time, and I was happy for you the
01:40second time, now I'm starting to think you should have learnt your lesson to be honest,
01:44especially if that means I'm going to have to buy a new suit to match my ever-expanding
01:48waist size, then book a B&B in the middle of nowhere and negotiate with a rural taxi
01:52driver who hates my guts for asking him to stay up after 9pm at a weekend, that said,
01:57I'd love to come.
01:58P.P.S.
01:59I'd be honoured to be your best man.
02:01P.P.S.
02:02I don't eat nuts.
02:03That's a glimpse of what's already in my worry index, tonight we'll be logging some new ones,
02:10all of which are related to a particular theme, which tonight is the body.
02:13The body is a collection of organs, bones and blood, held together with skin, and then
02:16covered in clothes and shoes to create a person.
02:20The two bodies I'm pleased to report are wearing clothes, so my guest for tonight, please welcome
02:24Sarah Pascoe and Joe Wilkinson!
02:42So you're both here to talk through some of my worries for democratically deciding where
02:48they go inside my worry index, that's every worry I've currently already filed.
02:52Can I ask a question?
02:53Yes, you may.
02:54Does it make you feel better or worse to have it doing that?
02:57Oh, better.
02:58Yeah, but this is all about accepting that everything in the world is awful and one day
03:01will kill us.
03:02But when you've got, like, you know when you've got 20 minutes to worry about something on
03:05a train, you can just work out, well, I'm not in the mood to worry about a big one,
03:09so I'll pick a green one and worry about that, whereas some days you think, do you know what,
03:12I'm feeling alright today, let's tackle a red one like urinals.
03:16I don't want to mess your OCD, but every 48 seconds they line up.
03:25I'll get back to you in 46 seconds, huh?
03:28Oh, yes, yes.
03:30Oh!
03:33Oh, that's lovely.
03:37That's an exceptional bit of observation there, well done.
03:40Well, let's kick things off with my first worry of the night, and my first worry is
03:44this one.
03:45I worry that my body is becoming the wrong shape.
03:48I know it's not like a freaky body, but it's gradually becoming something I'm increasingly
03:52uncomfortable with.
03:53What shape do you want it to be?
03:55I want it to be a shape that I don't get laughed at when I ask for trousers in a shop.
03:59So I'm now a 34 waist and a 29 leg.
04:04And that happens when I say that out loud.
04:07People who've never met me in their life hear that and just go, that's not the size of a man.
04:12I feel like I might as well just say, size?
04:14Well, I'm wide like a man, but short like a tiny boy.
04:18What do you think of your bodies?
04:19I love my body, even though it's shit.
04:24I don't mind having a shit body, because I don't think my face would suit a good body.
04:29Imagine you stand behind a really hunky guy with broad shoulders and lovely thick arms,
04:34and he turns around and goes, all right?
04:38I mean, what do you think of my body?
04:41I'll show you the full thing.
04:42Is this it?
04:43There it all is. There's the full 29 inches.
04:47I'm kind of like a snake who's swallowed something.
04:51That's exactly what it is.
04:52But most people are. Most people are.
04:54You only see flat stomachs on, like, adverts for Marks & Spencers pants.
04:58Everyone else has a belly.
05:00Well, here's my concern. It's not really a belly.
05:02It's all going round the back.
05:04What?
05:05I'm sort of using the back as, like, an understairs cupboard.
05:09So all the weight is going in this sort of area,
05:11which I don't notice, because I don't see it.
05:13But sometimes I'm caused to bend down to get something here,
05:16and it all concertinas up behind me.
05:19Two little bits of skin that have no business knowing each other.
05:22Just kiss.
05:25And that feeling very much upsets me.
05:27Have you thought of wearing a cloak?
05:30A girdle. That's what people do, is they wear girdles.
05:33Lots of men wear them, especially, like, men who do telly.
05:36Lots of men wear girdles.
05:37Yes, they do. You see them backstage, walking round.
05:40Just see the nipples above.
05:41It's like saying, lots of men do that, Jon.
05:43Most men do ejaculate before they get into the bedroom.
05:46I don't think you should be worried.
05:48Most men are wearing girdles. It's fine.
05:50Put your girdle on and cry.
05:51I think you've got a nice, um... You're a nice little figure.
05:54Yeah, I think so.
05:56My problem is mainly back fat,
05:58and it would seem like there's quite a simple solution to that,
06:00which is to go to the gym.
06:01Exercise.
06:02And then the back fat disappears.
06:03However, there are a number of reasons I don't want to go to the gym.
06:06I think any reasons are best explained with a pie chart.
06:09So, I've done you a quick pie chart.
06:11Are you going to point out things on the pie chart?
06:13With a pointer.
06:15So...
06:18Here's a pie chart of reasons I don't go to the gym.
06:20Reason number one, sympathy for my pregnant wife.
06:22My wife wanted to exercise while she was pregnant.
06:25She couldn't, cos you're not allowed to,
06:27and I thought it would be unfair for me to exercise while she was pregnant,
06:30so I didn't go to the gym.
06:31Baby was born two years ago.
06:33I remain sympathetic.
06:35Don't want her to feel bad.
06:36Second reason I don't go to the gym,
06:38I've already had a shower once today,
06:40and I feel like showering again will be bad for the environment.
06:43So, I've just got one eye on everybody else's health.
06:46Third reason, I'm a vegetarian.
06:48I don't quite know what that means,
06:49it just doesn't seem fair that I should have to turn down so much food
06:52and have to go to the gym.
06:54Next reason I don't go to the gym,
06:56I don't want to.
07:05If I were to go to the gym and get rid of the back fat,
07:08that skin's still stretched,
07:09so they don't have a different worry
07:11that I'd have little bits of skin hanging off my body.
07:13Fortunately, technology stepped in here,
07:16and a company has invented a thing
07:18specifically to help you deal with this problem,
07:19mainly around the area of neck fat.
07:22I think some people are worried as they get older,
07:24their necks get a bit loose.
07:25This is a company called Nexy,
07:27and a revolutionary product.
07:29Nexy is designed to temporarily
07:31tighten the skin around your neck,
07:33taking years off your appearance.
07:36Determine the area on the back of your neck
07:38where you want to start the tape.
07:41Carefully place one end of the tape
07:43to the side of your neck,
07:44and secure.
07:46Pull very slightly
07:47while gathering the excess skin
07:49under the tape
07:50towards the center of the neck.
07:52And then secure
07:53by pressing the remainder of the tape
07:55in place
07:56to hold the skin firmly.
07:59Smooth,
08:00and hold in place
08:01until the entire strip
08:02and ends
08:03stick securely.
08:06Once in place,
08:07let down your hair,
08:08or wear clothing
08:09to cover the tape.
08:11Nexy that.
08:12I mean,
08:13your worries are gone.
08:14Okay.
08:16If you think that's bad,
08:18if you think that's bad,
08:19one of my aunties,
08:20she went to Harley Street
08:21to have a facelift
08:22in her late 40s,
08:23and they said,
08:24you're too young, your skin's too good,
08:25there's nothing to take.
08:26What we will do
08:27is do something on your neck.
08:28So what they did was,
08:29they put a string
08:31through her neck,
08:32and they said,
08:33it's so great,
08:34it starts behind your ear,
08:35and it goes up,
08:36and then all that happens
08:37is every couple of days
08:38you come back
08:39and we tighten the string again.
08:40Right.
08:41So she comes out of the hospital
08:42and she's like texting everyone,
08:43like, come round, come round,
08:44I've had my neck done.
08:45And then as she was getting out of her car,
08:46she turns her head,
08:47and one of it,
08:48yeah, it snapped.
08:49It snapped,
08:50and then like all rushed up.
08:51Like curtains.
08:53Oh,
08:54I think that's the concern.
08:55If you go to a plastic surgeon,
08:56and they say,
08:57your skin is too good
08:58for us to do anything here,
09:00and then they carry on
09:01doing something,
09:02they should be struck
09:03off the list, shouldn't they?
09:04Well, they won't just
09:05let you do anything,
09:06because that's what annoys me,
09:07because I asked,
09:08all I wanted is,
09:09I wanted them to insert
09:11some rice into my buttocks,
09:14so when I twerk,
09:15I sound like a maraca.
09:19I've advanced
09:20the Nexi technology,
09:21because I'm like you,
09:22I think surgery
09:23is not the answer,
09:24I think ultimately
09:25you have to be happy
09:26with the body you're in,
09:27but if there's something
09:28you can do to advance that,
09:29I've taken the Nexi technology
09:31to the back fat level.
09:36And it just helps shape me
09:38in a way that I'm comfortable with.
09:40It just looks like a crime scene.
09:42Yeah, well by using hazard tape,
09:44you create the impression
09:45that a crime's happened in your pants.
09:47In many ways it has.
09:49So, let's go and log the worry
09:51inside my worry index.
09:52So here we have my severe,
09:54moderate and low worries,
09:55you can see sort of examples,
09:56reply to all emails,
09:57that's obviously one of this country's
09:58greatest concerns.
09:59Sort of moderate worries,
10:00traffic jams, YouTube,
10:01distant cousins,
10:02I'm guessing that is a very different worry
10:04in Joe Wilkinson's family tree.
10:08And then we go down
10:09to sort of lower worries
10:10like pilates, package holidays
10:12and dad bod.
10:13Where do you think?
10:14So presumably that is you,
10:15not your dad.
10:16No, that's my body as a dad.
10:18So maybe it should go next to that.
10:19Yeah.
10:20Sort of feels vaguely relevant.
10:21So between that and blisters,
10:22I think when I try
10:23and take this tape off,
10:24I'm going to end up
10:25with some blisters,
10:26so I think that seems
10:27like a good place to go,
10:28right in there on the bottom.
10:29I worry my body's
10:30becoming an unusual shape.
10:31There we go.
10:36So now I'm slightly worried
10:37that all this tape on my back
10:39may have cut off
10:40some blood circulation
10:41around my body,
10:42so while I cut myself out of this,
10:43let's have a short break.
10:57APPLAUSE
11:00Welcome back to
11:01Ultimate Worrier,
11:02where tonight we're looking at
11:03worries exclusively
11:04to do with the body.
11:05Now, being worrier in chief,
11:06I'm always on the hunt
11:07for more things to worry about,
11:09which is where my guests come in.
11:11So, Joe, do you have
11:13a body-related worry for me?
11:15Yeah, I've got a few.
11:17One of the things
11:18I always get a bit paranoid about
11:20is I don't think
11:21I'm a very good clapper.
11:23Not good in...
11:24You're missing?
11:26I can make contact.
11:27It's not clapping loud enough?
11:28Yeah.
11:29I don't want it to be, like,
11:30considerably loud,
11:31just a bit like, ooh.
11:33So my idea was,
11:34I feel it's a shame
11:35that evolution hasn't got to a point
11:37where if you wanted to do
11:38a louder clap,
11:39you could swap your feet
11:40for your hands.
11:42I believe you've created
11:44something to help with this.
11:45Yes.
11:46I think my assistants
11:47are going to bring...
11:48I have a couple of Johns
11:49standing by.
11:51And you've made this yourself?
11:53Yeah.
11:54You've not had this
11:55made by professionals, then?
11:56This is...
11:57No, no, spits and bobs
11:58out in the house.
12:00Talk us through
12:01that monstrosity there, Joe.
12:02What's happening there?
12:03And so, um,
12:04do you, Sarah,
12:05take John
12:06to be your
12:07lawfully wedded husband?
12:09Damn right I do.
12:18Cheers, Joe.
12:19Thanks, mate.
12:20Do that sound again.
12:21All right, I was hoping you
12:22wouldn't ask,
12:23but it's not as effective
12:24as I hoped.
12:26Perhaps the dream solution
12:27is, like,
12:28one hand, one foot,
12:29so you can sort of
12:30slide between them.
12:31Oh, now you've...
12:32Yeah.
12:33So maybe, like,
12:34you would just take
12:35one foot off,
12:36and if it was a particularly
12:37good performance
12:38by diastrates,
12:39you'd be like...
12:40Yeah, see?
12:41That's the...
12:42Yeah.
12:43Yeah.
12:48That's an important worry,
12:49isn't it, Joe?
12:51So, yeah,
12:52so I just think...
12:53A few other things
12:54I'd like to improve on.
12:55I'd like...
12:56I think it'd be nice
12:57to have, um,
12:58little hatches
12:59that can close
13:00on your nostrils
13:01for those times
13:02when you're in the, um,
13:03when someone farts
13:04in the swimming pool
13:05changing room.
13:07So it'd be nice
13:08to just go, ooh.
13:10And what about breathing
13:11in that situation?
13:12You've not got a mouth, mate.
13:17But that's worse, isn't it?
13:18Because I always think
13:19when someone farts,
13:20as gross as this is,
13:21if you breathe
13:22through the nose,
13:23you're sort of
13:24double-filtering it.
13:25If you take a big mouth,
13:26you're basically
13:27swallowing their shit.
13:28Well, don't...
13:29If you smell it,
13:30don't go...
13:32I'm not sort of
13:33walking up there
13:34banging on scissors
13:35in the air.
13:37I'm like a dustbuster
13:38for farts.
13:40Is that the end
13:41of your freakish evolution?
13:42Oh, no, the only other...
13:43The only other idea
13:44I've had is
13:45detachable genitals.
13:47Because you hardly
13:48use them.
13:49So it'd just be nice
13:50if you'd get up
13:51and you'd go,
13:52oh, I'm not going to
13:53use them today
13:54and just pop them
13:55in the bedside drawer.
13:56But this is
13:57an incredible idea
13:58because then if they're
13:59detachable,
14:00you can confiscate
14:01them from people
14:02who'd use them
14:03incorrectly.
14:04It's like,
14:05that is locked up
14:06till you learn
14:07how to behave, mate.
14:08If this is the future
14:09of evolution,
14:10detachable balls
14:11and hands for feet,
14:12I'm out, to be honest.
14:13So, well,
14:14let's file this worry.
14:15We didn't actually hear
14:16how loudly you clap.
14:17Give us your...
14:19It's a bad clap, isn't it?
14:20It's too deep.
14:21All right, mate,
14:22I've said it's worrying me.
14:24And then slap the foot.
14:26Oh, yeah.
14:27Oh, yeah.
14:28If you heard that
14:29in a room,
14:30you wouldn't enter,
14:31would you?
14:40I'm going to put it low
14:41just because I think
14:42when you start listing
14:43some of these
14:44moderate problems
14:45like miles per gallon,
14:46car seats,
14:47online shopping,
14:48it's just not up there,
14:49is it?
14:50Joe Wilkinson's inability
14:51to clap at a gig.
14:52And I'm going to stroll
14:53sort of right to the top end,
14:54I think.
14:55Limescale,
14:56now we're getting it.
14:57Limescale and trousers.
14:58That feels like
14:59a sort of legitimate place
15:00to put Joe Wilkinson's worry
15:01that he doesn't clap
15:02loud enough.
15:08Um, Sarah,
15:09what's your worry
15:10about bodies?
15:11So, my worry
15:12is I think
15:13I walk wonky.
15:15Specifically,
15:16a heeled shoe problem?
15:17Yeah,
15:18a heeled shoe problem,
15:19but I think
15:20now I'm conscious of it,
15:21whenever I'm walking,
15:22I'm really,
15:23am I doing this right?
15:24It's just,
15:25how are you supposed
15:26to do it?
15:27It's really hard
15:28when you think about
15:29walking.
15:30Very aware that,
15:31taken out of context,
15:32this sentence will make me
15:33look like a monster
15:34when we readdress
15:35the sort of male-female
15:36balance on telly.
15:37Yeah.
15:38Is there any chance
15:39you could get up
15:40and walk up and down?
15:41There is.
15:42There is.
15:43I'm very self-conscious,
15:44and this is me
15:45trying to do it
15:46really normally.
15:47I got on here
15:48and normally
15:49do you really notice?
15:50Do you want me to give you
15:51a situation?
15:52I'm just in the supermarket,
15:53I'm just looking for
15:54some sweetcorn.
15:55I'm just going to look
15:56around.
15:57It's very measured.
15:58Well, I'm trying
15:59to do it properly.
16:00Do a wonky walk.
16:01Walk wonky!
16:04Is it wonky?
16:05It's quite aggressive.
16:08I'll be honest,
16:09I've never walked
16:10in heels.
16:11Have you?
16:13What?
16:14What I mean is I watch
16:15a lot of videos
16:16of people falling over.
16:17And as I understand it,
16:18the heel is the
16:19hardest thing to walk in.
16:21So this,
16:22I'll be honest,
16:23this is one of my
16:24favourite videos
16:25of all time,
16:26and this is a lady
16:27walking quite confidently
16:28in heels,
16:29but showing how
16:30difficult it can be.
16:31I feel,
16:32this is going to
16:33sound really silly,
16:34but I feel really sexy,
16:35and I think that's just...
16:42There are times when
16:43women whose career
16:44requires them
16:45to walk up and down
16:46in heels,
16:47even they find
16:48difficult models.
16:49So here is a clip
16:50of a catwalk model
16:51who's been told,
16:52pop the heels on,
16:53walk to the end,
16:54and walk back again.
17:12I'll show you that,
17:32not to take pleasure
17:33in someone being humiliated
17:34at work.
17:35Maybe it's not you,
17:37maybe heels are just...
17:38That woman can clearly walk.
17:41She looks like she
17:42was just born.
17:43You know,
17:44like Bambi comes out
17:45and is like,
17:46ooh,
17:47that's what she's like.
17:48So it would only be fair,
17:49because I think
17:50this is a uniquely...
17:51I think it would be fair.
17:52What am I about to say?
17:53You're going to put
17:54some heels on.
17:55I'm going to put
17:56some heels on.
17:57Does that feel...
18:03I mean,
18:04the danger here
18:05is that something
18:07is about to change in me
18:09that might never
18:10come back.
18:11So I've never walked
18:12in heels before.
18:13I'm really excited
18:14this time.
18:15So it changes
18:16your centre of gravity
18:17completely.
18:18I've got quite a lot
18:19of counterweight
18:20at the back.
18:21Yeah,
18:22which might work
18:23well for you.
18:24So it kind of tips
18:25your hips forward,
18:26so actually you do
18:27have to kind of
18:28lean back into heels.
18:29It's very strange.
18:30I cannot wait for this.
18:31I'm so excited.
18:32Would it be weird
18:33if I helped
18:34you put them on?
18:35It'd be less weird
18:36if you had
18:37your own pair,
18:38mate.
18:40That's so good.
18:41I can't believe
18:42the pair you've come for.
18:43I actually do
18:44feel really sexy.
18:45So when were they
18:46like,
18:47I mean,
18:48Jon,
18:49we're going to get you
18:50to walk in some heels.
18:51You were like,
18:52I'm going to choose them.
18:53Oh, my God.
18:56This is dangerous.
18:58As a man who
18:59sort of has issues
19:00about his height,
19:01this could answer
19:02so many questions.
19:03Oh, my God.
19:04So now you two
19:05pretend you're
19:06in the supermarket.
19:07Let's go and get some
19:09Sarah came back
19:10without the sweetcorn.
19:11Let's go and get it.
19:28Shall we get a trolley?
19:34You go and get a trolley.
19:35I'll go and get some sweetcorn.
19:36I would rather
19:37come with you.
19:41I'm going to let you go
19:42because I think
19:43I think you're
19:44holding me back.
19:50I don't know what you're on about.
19:51Do all women in here
19:52feel better?
19:54Joe,
19:55have you seen Dirty Dance?
19:59You've got a very sexy
20:00wig wool in yours.
20:01Thank you.
20:02I was born with that.
20:04It was a real problem
20:05at school.
20:06I was doing what
20:07a sweetcorn is like.
20:12That's how I walk.
20:14That's how I walk
20:15in heels with the bent legs.
20:16I actually feel like
20:17I've got useless.
20:19I don't think
20:20this is a problem.
20:23Straighten your legs, Joe.
20:25And lean back.
20:26Lean back.
20:27And now walk.
20:28Now walk?
20:32Well, I'll tell you what,
20:33these aren't coming off.
20:37You love it.
20:42That's my favourite thing
20:43that's ever happened.
20:45I don't want to sit down
20:46because then I'd have to
20:47take these off again
20:48and I don't want to.
20:50I actually feel
20:51really sexy.
20:54I'll just keep them on
20:55while we're putting
20:56in the index.
20:57Let's go and file it away.
21:00So the worry is...
21:04You've...
21:05changed.
21:07It's just how we're
21:08going to explain
21:09why I'm wearing them
21:10in the next show.
21:12I think because people...
21:13You walk every day
21:14and you can't avoid it.
21:15I think it is
21:16a severe worry.
21:17I mean, I think
21:18the way I've shown
21:19how easy it is
21:20to walk in heels
21:21illustrates
21:22quite what a mess
21:23you're making.
21:25I'm sort of willing
21:26on your account
21:27to just put that
21:28right up there
21:29because as bad as
21:30you look walking normally,
21:31when I'm next to you
21:32in these,
21:33you're going to look awful.
21:34I'm going to put it
21:35next to disco dancing.
21:36Wonky walk,
21:37right at the top.
21:45So that's all
21:46we've got time for for now.
21:47Join us after the break.
22:04Welcome back to
22:05Ultimate Worry Aware.
22:06Tonight we're looking at
22:07worries related to the body.
22:08Let's move on to
22:09the next worry for the night
22:10which is this one.
22:11I worry I'm going
22:12to live forever.
22:14Now, this is to do
22:15with the advancement
22:16of science and medicine
22:17which means obviously
22:18we're living longer
22:19and longer already.
22:20There is a point to which
22:21that will become,
22:22in my opinion,
22:23too long.
22:24I just worry about
22:25getting to a point
22:26where I'm going to
22:27have to ask to die.
22:28That feels slightly depressing
22:29when I've had enough.
22:30I wouldn't worry about that.
22:31I'm sure there'll be
22:32lots of volunteers
22:34getting,
22:35oh yeah, I'll take you to Switzerland.
22:36No problem.
22:37I'm just going to
22:38change this worry to
22:39I'm worried Sarah's going to kill me.
22:42There's science to back this up.
22:43So this, I don't know
22:44if you've heard of this gentleman.
22:45This is Aubrey de Grey.
22:46He is a biomedical gerontologist.
22:49He's got the sort of
22:50look of a love child
22:51of Charles Manson
22:52and Fidel Castro.
22:55He speculates
22:56the first person
22:57who will live a thousand years
22:58has already been born today.
23:00So he says there's
23:01somebody out there now
23:02who just through advancements
23:03in medicine and science
23:04will live for a thousand years.
23:05How do you feel about that?
23:06He's also saying
23:07they're going to have
23:08really big boobs.
23:10I can't imagine being dead.
23:13So I do think
23:14I'm going to live forever.
23:15I can't imagine everyone else
23:16just carrying on without me.
23:19Like how?
23:20What would happen?
23:22That sounds much more harsh
23:23than I mean it to.
23:24But if you die tomorrow
23:25I'm carrying on, mate.
23:26Sarah's gone.
23:27That's it for the rest of us.
23:28You think that?
23:29And if I do die tomorrow
23:30that clip looks awful
23:31on your TV programme.
23:35How do you fancy
23:36being a thousand years old, Joe?
23:38Yeah, I'd like that.
23:39I basically
23:40I think I'd like it
23:41just to give me a chance
23:42to finish a sudoku.
23:45My worry is just like
23:46the number of
23:47because presumably
23:48this won't happen to
23:50the animal kingdom.
23:51So in a thousand years
23:52the number of pets
23:53you're going to see off
23:54is just depressing.
23:55You wouldn't be able
23:56to put a plant in your garden
23:57without eating the bones
23:58of old dogs and cats.
23:59Politically they say
24:00we drift right
24:01as we get older.
24:02I mean there's people already.
24:03I think Piers Morgan's
24:04got about two years left
24:05before he's
24:06he can't go any further.
24:07A thousand year old
24:08Piers Morgan.
24:09That's an awful world
24:10to live in.
24:12One other option
24:13is if you wanted now
24:14to live forever
24:15what you can do
24:16is have your body frozen.
24:17So there's a theory that
24:18when you die
24:19at some point
24:20there will be a cure
24:21for death
24:22and you could have
24:23your body frozen.
24:24It's called cryonics.
24:25Put you in a massive freezer
24:26and then when we have
24:27a cure for death
24:28we'd open the fridge door
24:29get Wilkinson out
24:30with the peas
24:31and the Finder's
24:32crispy pancakes.
24:33This is what
24:34a cryonics lab
24:35looks like.
24:36That's a full size scientist.
24:37They're big tanks.
24:39What isn't clear
24:40from the picture is
24:41every one of these
24:42big tanks has
24:43somebody in it.
24:44So these are all
24:45person tanks here.
24:46But they hang you
24:47upside down
24:48so there's sort of
24:49no dignity in it.
24:50Just hung upside down
24:51for all eternity
24:52like that.
24:53And God knows
24:54how saggy your balls
24:55would be after a thousand years.
24:56Presumably just a ball
24:57slapping you
24:58in the face
24:59for all eternity.
25:00Is it cheaper
25:01to go in the small one
25:02because they have
25:03to fold you up?
25:06Sadly
25:07there are no facilities
25:08in this country
25:09for cryonic freezing
25:10but there are a group
25:11of people in Sheffield
25:12who are on hand
25:13to have you frozen
25:14and shipped
25:15to the United States
25:16so that after
25:17a short life here
25:18you go to America
25:19and live forever.
25:20A bit like what we did
25:21with The Office.
25:23So we sent
25:24our reporter
25:25Rose Mattafeo
25:26to Sheffield
25:27to meet them.
25:32Death.
25:33We all have it
25:34but do we want it?
25:35I know I sure don't.
25:40Yet it's claimed
25:41as some of the best of us.
25:42David Bowie
25:43Prince
25:45Elton John
25:47No.
25:50But what if there were
25:51a way to cheat death?
25:52To find a way
25:53to freeze and preserve
25:54the mind
25:55in the hopes
25:56that one day
25:57technology will be able
25:58to bring us back to life
25:59so we can accidentally
26:00sleep with our own
26:01great-grandchildren.
26:03I'm in Sheffield
26:04to speak to someone
26:05who helps those of us
26:06who want to live
26:07long enough
26:08to experience
26:09our awful future.
26:10Mike Carter
26:11is a member
26:12of Cryonics UK
26:13a volunteer ambulance
26:14service that is on call
26:15to cool down a body
26:16moments after death
26:17and get it ready
26:18for cryogenic freezing.
26:20Mike hello
26:21my name's Rose
26:22lovely to meet you
26:23I'm a serious journalist
26:24so this is where
26:25the magic happens
26:26that's right
26:27this is the cryonics ambulance
26:28should we head on in?
26:29yep
26:31okay
26:32I want you to take me
26:33through the process
26:34from the start
26:35so pretend that I'm
26:36a dead body
26:37right
26:38as soon as you die
26:39with its absolute
26:40minimum of delay
26:41we like to get you
26:42in here
26:43we will put
26:44ice and water in
26:45to cool you down
26:46as quickly as possible
26:47far out
26:48there'll be
26:49a chest compression machine
26:50that keeps your blood
26:51flowing round
26:52okay
26:53tissue damage
26:54so when you say
26:55without delay
26:56how fast
26:57after a person
26:58dies
26:59do you have to
27:00get in there
27:01and get them in the ice bath
27:02ideally
27:03within five minutes
27:04five minutes
27:05yes
27:06so this vehicle
27:07has to be on standby
27:08when the person
27:09is nearly
27:10going to pass away
27:11that's right
27:12yes
27:13we aim to get there
27:14a few days
27:15before they
27:16think they're going to die
27:17because you can never
27:18tell for sure
27:19is that a bit awkward?
27:21um
27:23yeah
27:24it's definitely
27:25a bit awkward
27:26what kind of training
27:27do you have to have?
27:28do you have some
27:29sort of certificate
27:30or anything like that?
27:31because I wouldn't even
27:32get a bikini wax
27:33from someone
27:34who doesn't have
27:35a certificate
27:36you know
27:37I want something
27:38framed up on the wall
27:39to show
27:40you know
27:41this person
27:42is qualified
27:43to do this job
27:44yeah
27:45in that case
27:46you couldn't
27:47get a bikini wax
27:48from us
27:49I had some
27:50reservations
27:51about a volunteer
27:52but I think
27:53this is a good
27:54opportunity
27:55to have
27:56someone
27:57who's
27:58qualified
27:59to do this
28:00job
28:01and who's
28:02qualified
28:03to
28:04do
28:05this
28:06job
28:07because
28:08I
28:09think
28:10um
28:11we
28:12need
28:13to
28:14find
28:15out
28:16who
28:17this
28:18person
28:19is
28:20and
28:21In a small pump unit, it drives the cryoprotectant
28:24through the system at a very carefully controlled pressure.
28:27These are the jugular veins.
28:29They're also cut.
28:30That's actually pushed up inside the arteries
28:33and it takes the cryoprotectant into the head
28:36and therefore into the brain.
28:37Now I fully understood the science,
28:40I wanted to explore the psychology.
28:42What is it about this that should appeal to people?
28:46Because this is quite, to me, it's kind of terrifying.
28:49I don't even give blood.
28:50Is it more terrifying than death?
28:53Sort of.
28:54Everyone's keen to live as long as possible.
28:57I think we are among the last generations
28:59who will have to die.
29:01Really?
29:02I recognize that the process is a bit of a long shot.
29:06Having said that, people buy lottery tickets,
29:09so I think the chances of getting revived in the future
29:13are much higher than they are
29:14of winning the jackpot on the lottery.
29:15So you're a gambling man,
29:17but with the potential of eternal life.
29:22Mike makes a compelling argument,
29:23but I'm not entirely convinced.
29:25No, I'll be going out the old-fashioned way,
29:27cremating my remains and spreading the ashes
29:30at a ride at Disneyland Paris.
29:32I'm Rose Matafeo for Ultimate Warrior.
29:34Thank you.
29:35Thank you.
29:36Thank you.
29:37Thank you.
29:37Thank you.
29:38Thank you.
29:39Thank you.
29:40Thank you.
29:41Thank you.
29:42Thank you.
29:42Thank you.
29:43Thank you.
29:44Thank you.
29:45Thank you.
29:46Thank you.
29:47What annoys me is, he did give me a bikini wax.
29:51Obviously, Mike is a lovely fella.
29:53Yeah.
29:54Is there an arrogance for someone to say,
29:58I can't imagine that there will be a future
30:00that doesn't need me?
30:02No.
30:03I think that's a really fair thing to say.
30:05It's not that other people won't be able
30:06to have a great life,
30:07it's that you want to be part of it
30:09and find out what happens.
30:10But if there is a massive, huge apocalypse,
30:13I want to see it.
30:14If human beings end up living in holes
30:17and eating each other, I want to be there.
30:19You've really flipped that on its head.
30:22It's not that I don't want to live forever,
30:23I just want to be around to see everybody die.
30:25Yeah.
30:26I want to be there for the end.
30:28What about the economy option
30:29of just having the head frozen
30:31and taking a new body?
30:32Would you want to do that?
30:33Yeah.
30:34Yeah?
30:35Centaur it.
30:38I think I'd go owl.
30:40You're not going to like this,
30:41but an owl's trouser size
30:43is much bigger on the waist than the legs.
30:46I think so, I've already got the wardrobe.
30:49I've always thought of you as a squirrel,
30:52because I remember you got showbiz pictures
30:55on your phone of the squirrels coming to the window
30:57to look at you in your house.
30:59And I feel like there's a commune thing
31:01going on with them and you,
31:02where they're like, he looks like us.
31:06If you couldn't preserve your body,
31:09what would you do with it when you die?
31:11Well, the little idea I had,
31:12I'd quite like to be stuffed
31:13and then just sort of left by a pedestrian crossing.
31:19The cars have to keep stopping.
31:20Just to piss drivers off.
31:22Bloody Wilkinson.
31:23Or a cash machine.
31:25That's good.
31:27That's really good.
31:29You want to continue to irritate people after you die?
31:31Yeah, yeah, basically, yeah.
31:33Well, it's not far off possible.
31:35A company that already exists
31:37will allow you to take your social media presence
31:41into the afterlife.
31:42So you can generate social media content after you die.
31:46That's one way to live forever,
31:47through social media,
31:48meaning we can all spend the rest of eternity
31:50as a bot on Twitter.
31:52Here to explain how that's possible,
31:54please welcome the founder
31:55of the Digital Legacy Association, James Norris.
31:58Thank you.
31:59Thank you.
32:00Thank you.
32:01Thank you.
32:02Thank you.
32:02Thank you.
32:03Thank you.
32:04Thank you.
32:05Thank you.
32:06Thank you.
32:07Thank you.
32:07Thank you.
32:08Thank you.
32:09Thank you.
32:10Can you explain what it is
32:11that the Digital Legacy Association does?
32:13So the Digital Legacy Association raises awareness
32:15around the importance of planning for death digitally.
32:18So everything from making sure that our photos
32:21and videos that are saved online
32:23are able to be accessed by our loved ones,
32:26and that our wishes for Facebook, Twitter,
32:28and all these other services that we use
32:30are kind of adhered to.
32:32And then as part of that,
32:33you can continue those things.
32:36So say you had Facebook accounts, Twitter accounts,
32:38you can continue to message on those
32:40after you've died.
32:41Yeah, so we launched a tool a few years ago
32:43called Dead Social.
32:45Again, with the purpose of evoking thought,
32:48conversation, in some cases laughter,
32:51around the notion of thinking about death
32:54and then making plans and creating messages
32:58that can be sent out after we've gone.
32:59So rather than the last thing that somebody says online
33:03being something a bit silly,
33:05we're able to say goodbye in our own way
33:07and in our own time.
33:09Can you be naughty though?
33:10Like, so if I did want to troll John from beyond the grave,
33:15do you have a system in place to stop me doing that?
33:16Or could it be just sliding into his DMs every morning?
33:21In a similar way to how social media
33:23allows you to be creative and express yourself
33:26however you want to, we do exactly the same.
33:29So as long as John doesn't come back to us and say,
33:32I'm finding this really upsetting.
33:33I think I would do that.
33:36What do you think of this?
33:37Are you going to troll me?
33:38I'm getting upset that you're both using this against me.
33:40It doesn't make sense though,
33:40because you could sort of set up stuff
33:43and sort of say what you actually want to think,
33:45because you're dead.
33:46You go, I don't give a shit you've done a tough mudder.
33:48So ladies and gentlemen,
33:53thank you for helping with my analysis.
33:54James Norris.
34:02So we've had a good old chat
34:03about the concept of living forever.
34:05I feel we've got enough information now
34:06for me to put it into the worry index.
34:08So I'll get up and we'll file that one away.
34:11How do you feel now about my worry
34:12that I might live forever?
34:13I feel like you're having such a terrible time being alive.
34:16Am I?
34:17Yeah, it should be up with the Reds.
34:19Slow dancing, predictive texts.
34:22That's got to be one of the big problems.
34:24Because it's married to the same sort of thing.
34:25Imagine a tweet that you've put to go out
34:27800 years after you've died, to be poignant.
34:30And all someone says is, you mean E-Y apostrophe R-E,
34:33not E-I-R-E.
34:35So that's going as a severe worry,
34:37living forever next to predictive texts.
34:39Yeah.
34:44So that's it for Top Three.
34:45We'll see you after the break, and after that break,
34:48and after that break, and forever and ever
34:50into the indefinite future.
35:04CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
35:08Welcome back to Ultimate Worrier.
35:10Let's take a look at my next body worry of the night.
35:14I worry my face makes a terrible first impression.
35:18So before we get started on this,
35:20here's an important message from Mae Martin
35:21on why you should be worried
35:22about making a good first impression.
35:27You just saw me for one tenth of a second,
35:30which, according to scientists,
35:31is more than enough time for you to judge
35:33if I'm smart or trustworthy or nice.
35:36Obviously, you thought I was all three of those things, right?
35:38You didn't just suddenly think that I look like
35:40the love child of Ellen DeGeneres and Niall Horan.
35:43After 60 seconds, someone that you've just met
35:46has already processed 10,000 visual, oral, and tactile cues
35:50about who you are and what you're like,
35:52and they've already decided if they want to fuck you,
35:55fight you, or politely make their excuses
35:57and throw themselves out the window.
35:58You're fucking mentally ill!
36:0093% of employers these days
36:02will review a candidate's social media profile
36:05before hiring them,
36:06although I don't think they did for this job.
36:09Aw, do a couple of jokes.
36:11Oh, it's me, John, alive at the Apollo.
36:14So that old photo of you from uni
36:16with a joint in your mouth or a traffic cone on your head
36:19or recreating famous scenes from Titanic with your pug.
36:22Jack.
36:25That might be the reason that you didn't get hired
36:27for your dream job.
36:28Get out.
36:29So make a good impression that first time,
36:32because otherwise, it's your personality
36:34that's going to have to do all the heavy lifting later on,
36:36and I personally hate all forms of exercise.
36:41Thank you, Maeve.
36:46What do you think about that, then?
36:47A tenth of a second to make a first impression
36:50that will take six months to alter.
36:52Well, there's another statistic,
36:53which is that people, if they dislike you at first
36:56and then they then start to like you,
36:58they like you a lot more
36:59than if they had liked you all along.
37:00So if you do win people over,
37:02they then are much more fond of you.
37:04That's very interesting.
37:05Yeah.
37:06Because I don't think anyone I've ever met
37:07has liked me at first.
37:09Really?
37:10Yeah.
37:10What are you doing wrong?
37:11Even my family just sort of...
37:13I just think it's my face.
37:15I just think I look miserable or judgmental or...
37:18What do you think people think when they look at that?
37:19That I'm you.
37:22When people first meet me,
37:23they usually tell me they don't have any loose change.
37:27LAUGHTER
37:29I've got evidence to back up, scientific evidence.
37:32So one, anecdotally,
37:34I get followed around shops a lot by security guards.
37:36I don't know if it's my demeanour
37:38or I tend to wear sort of a big coat,
37:41but I frequently am followed
37:43as if I'm about to steal something.
37:44I have the look of an urchin about me.
37:46I once did a thing where I was asked
37:48to take a picture for the marketing shop,
37:50holding a cooked breakfast, you'll see.
37:52And what they said to me specifically is,
37:54just hold the plate out,
37:55but don't pull a facial expression, right?
37:57Just try and look normal.
37:58So this is their picture.
38:00That's me giving breakfast to RoboCop.
38:04LAUGHTER
38:05It's just an ordinary face there.
38:07There's a company who can send away a photo
38:09and they will analyse that photo
38:10and tell you what they found within it.
38:12And these are the statistics
38:13that came back on the picture of me.
38:15Look how angry they think I am!
38:17LAUGHTER
38:18I'm not suggesting any anger.
38:20That's just a resting face.
38:21Neutrality, which is what they were looking for there.
38:24Very little.
38:25Happiness, they've got that wrong for a start.
38:27No sadness.
38:28I lived in Swindon when that picture was taken.
38:31There's an area there.
38:32Gender male, that was a relief.
38:34LAUGHTER
38:35But that came back from the lab.
38:36Beard, none. Moustache, none.
38:38So presumably, this off-word,
38:39you think I've smeared a bit of shit on my face.
38:41LAUGHTER
38:43What would you say makes a bad first impression with someone?
38:46I think people who don't smile.
38:48I think if it's a first impression,
38:51I mean, we're an ape, what we're trying to do is show
38:53I'm not competing with you for status, I'm not being aggressive,
38:56so what we do, we show our teeth and actually lots of our gestures.
38:59You know that shaking hands, like you said,
39:01that's to show you don't have a weapon in your right hand?
39:03Oh, is it? Culturally, that's why we do that.
39:05My weapon is my right hand.
39:06LAUGHTER
39:08And my most successful relationship.
39:10LAUGHTER
39:13What about you? Bad first impression?
39:15I think if you pick someone else's dog muck up...
39:18LAUGHTER
39:21Yeah, is a bad chat-up line.
39:23Yeah. It's kind of like, especially if you're not a lot of bag.
39:26LAUGHTER
39:28Let me get that for you. Fancy going for a pizza express, you know?
39:31LAUGHTER
39:33No? It's all about the thing you notice first, I guess, about someone.
39:37What do you think people see first when they see Joe Wilkinson?
39:42People look at me, they sort of look at me like
39:44they've just seen someone clip their wing mirror.
39:46LAUGHTER
39:49They sort of go...
39:51LAUGHTER
39:53Try and work out what's wrong.
39:54Do you remember, cos we've known each other a few years now, all of us,
39:58do you remember first meeting me and what you thought?
40:00I just remember thinking you were miles away.
40:03LAUGHTER
40:07Maybe that's why I overhear so much gossip about me.
40:09They just think I'm next door.
40:11Must be leaning forward as well, cos his top half's closer than his bottom half.
40:16Let's log this worry, then, my worry that I make a terrible first impression with my face.
40:20And I'll be honest, most of what you've told me there
40:22has made me think this is a genuine concern,
40:24because the statistics back up, I look angry,
40:26and you just thought I was tiny.
40:28LAUGHTER
40:30It does not suggest a package you would want to see more of.
40:32I don't think it's as bad as, you know, exchange rates and stag doos.
40:36Why's Ed Sheeran up there?
40:38I got a lot of worries about Ed Sheeran.
40:40LAUGHTER
40:42He's one of those people, if he said to me,
40:45I'd say, no, I don't think so, and then I'd just be,
40:47you're in love with your body.
40:49LAUGHTER
40:51Cos I've never willingly listened to it,
40:53but it's just snuck in there.
40:55I guess it's revival focus groups...
40:57Focus groups.
40:59That feels like the sort of thing you don't want to be involved with.
41:01Let's stick it there between focus groups and baby chinos.
41:03Yeah.
41:05In the list between focus groups and baby chinos.
41:07APPLAUSE
41:10APPLAUSE
41:14So we've got time for one quick worry from our audience.
41:16So where is Sean Grist?
41:18Sean Grist, what a name, I like that.
41:20Thank you very much.
41:22What is your worry?
41:24I worry that my tailbone is becoming useless.
41:26LAUGHTER
41:28I particularly like, is becoming useless.
41:30Yes.
41:32Like, first sort of 15 years, I was using it a lot.
41:34LAUGHTER
41:36I used a chisel and mortar, so I would, you know,
41:38grind things up with it.
41:40Last five years, I'll be honest, I've barely used it.
41:42What do you mean by becoming useless?
41:44Well, I find it a bit awkward if people give me a compliment,
41:48but if I was a dog, I could just wag my tail,
41:50so I just do that.
41:52Oh, I see, so you really wish you had a tail.
41:54Yeah, just so I could... I don't have to say anything then.
41:56OK.
41:58I'm coming round to this now.
42:00At first, I just thought you were weird.
42:02Now I know you want to wag your tail if someone pays you a compliment.
42:04What would it be doing now if you had a tail under there?
42:06I'd be wagging.
42:08Do you wish you had a tail?
42:10I think that's a really, really good point.
42:12We do need a way, like, a non-verbal...
42:14Mmm.
42:16LAUGHTER
42:18It'd be tense at Christmas, though, wouldn't it?
42:20Give someone a present.
42:22LAUGHTER
42:24You arsehole!
42:26LAUGHTER
42:28It's very difficult for me to not agree that the tailbone is useless,
42:30so I'm going to put that in a severe worry,
42:32and I wish we all had tails.
42:34Thank you very much.
42:36APPLAUSE
42:40We've come to the end of this week's show.
42:42Thank you very much.
42:44Is there anything I've been able to tell you this week
42:46that's going to stay with you when you leave?
42:48What's going to stay with me is a little kind of gif in my mind
42:50of you walking in.
42:52Hi, hi.
42:54What about you, Jo?
42:56I've learnt nothing.
42:58Thank you.
43:00APPLAUSE
43:10Since nobody asked,
43:12I'll tell you what I've learnt this week.
43:14I think you should just be comfortable in the skin you're in.
43:16Unless you've just been swallowed by a python.
43:18In which case, get out of there!
43:20Goodnight.
43:22APPLAUSE
43:30Thank you.