Jon Richardson: Ultimate Worrier. S01 E02. Body.
First broadcast 23rd May 2018.
Jon Richardson
Sara Pascoe
Joe Wilkinson
Mae Martin
Rose Matafeo
James Norris
Jon Richardson
Sara Pascoe
Joe Wilkinson
Mae Martin
Rose Matafeo
James Norris
Transcript
00:00I'm going to play a little bit of the song, and I'm going to play a little bit of the
00:30song, and I'm going to play it with you.
00:37Hello and welcome to Ultimate Worry Order, the show where I calmly discuss the world's
00:41worries with my guests and file them neatly away because otherwise I'd just be at home
00:46throwing oven chips across my living room screaming, won't somebody think of the bumblebees?
00:50Here's where all my worries live, this is my worry index.
00:55Every worry the world has ever had has been carefully categorised and ranked following
00:59decades of thorough analysis.
01:02Anything red in there is what I consider to be a severe worry, orange is a moderate worry,
01:07and anything I consider to be a low worry is aquamarine.
01:12Let's take a closer look at a couple of worries, starting with a low one, I worry I'll develop
01:17a knot allergy.
01:18I don't have a knot allergy yet, but it does happen that you acquire them, and I don't
01:22want my last ever meal to be a walnut alone in a wood.
01:27After that we've got more severe worries like this one, I worry that the divorce rate
01:32means I'll never stop having to go to weddings.
01:35Don't get me wrong, I was delighted for you the first time, and I was happy for you the
01:40second time, now I'm starting to think you should have learnt your lesson to be honest,
01:44especially if that means I'm going to have to buy a new suit to match my ever-expanding
01:48waist size, then book a B&B in the middle of nowhere and negotiate with a rural taxi
01:52driver who hates my guts for asking him to stay up after 9pm at a weekend, that said,
01:57I'd love to come.
01:58P.P.S.
01:59I'd be honoured to be your best man.
02:01P.P.S.
02:02I don't eat nuts.
02:03That's a glimpse of what's already in my worry index, tonight we'll be logging some new ones,
02:10all of which are related to a particular theme, which tonight is the body.
02:13The body is a collection of organs, bones and blood, held together with skin, and then
02:16covered in clothes and shoes to create a person.
02:20The two bodies I'm pleased to report are wearing clothes, so my guest for tonight, please welcome
02:24Sarah Pascoe and Joe Wilkinson!
02:42So you're both here to talk through some of my worries for democratically deciding where
02:48they go inside my worry index, that's every worry I've currently already filed.
02:52Can I ask a question?
02:53Yes, you may.
02:54Does it make you feel better or worse to have it doing that?
02:57Oh, better.
02:58Yeah, but this is all about accepting that everything in the world is awful and one day
03:01will kill us.
03:02But when you've got, like, you know when you've got 20 minutes to worry about something on
03:05a train, you can just work out, well, I'm not in the mood to worry about a big one,
03:09so I'll pick a green one and worry about that, whereas some days you think, do you know what,
03:12I'm feeling alright today, let's tackle a red one like urinals.
03:16I don't want to mess your OCD, but every 48 seconds they line up.
03:25I'll get back to you in 46 seconds, huh?
03:28Oh, yes, yes.
03:30Oh!
03:33Oh, that's lovely.
03:37That's an exceptional bit of observation there, well done.
03:40Well, let's kick things off with my first worry of the night, and my first worry is
03:44this one.
03:45I worry that my body is becoming the wrong shape.
03:48I know it's not like a freaky body, but it's gradually becoming something I'm increasingly
03:52uncomfortable with.
03:53What shape do you want it to be?
03:55I want it to be a shape that I don't get laughed at when I ask for trousers in a shop.
03:59So I'm now a 34 waist and a 29 leg.
04:04And that happens when I say that out loud.
04:07People who've never met me in their life hear that and just go, that's not the size of a man.
04:12I feel like I might as well just say, size?
04:14Well, I'm wide like a man, but short like a tiny boy.
04:18What do you think of your bodies?
04:19I love my body, even though it's shit.
04:24I don't mind having a shit body, because I don't think my face would suit a good body.
04:29Imagine you stand behind a really hunky guy with broad shoulders and lovely thick arms,
04:34and he turns around and goes, all right?
04:38I mean, what do you think of my body?
04:41I'll show you the full thing.
04:42Is this it?
04:43There it all is. There's the full 29 inches.
04:47I'm kind of like a snake who's swallowed something.
04:51That's exactly what it is.
04:52But most people are. Most people are.
04:54You only see flat stomachs on, like, adverts for Marks & Spencers pants.
04:58Everyone else has a belly.
05:00Well, here's my concern. It's not really a belly.
05:02It's all going round the back.
05:04What?
05:05I'm sort of using the back as, like, an understairs cupboard.
05:09So all the weight is going in this sort of area,
05:11which I don't notice, because I don't see it.
05:13But sometimes I'm caused to bend down to get something here,
05:16and it all concertinas up behind me.
05:19Two little bits of skin that have no business knowing each other.
05:22Just kiss.
05:25And that feeling very much upsets me.
05:27Have you thought of wearing a cloak?
05:30A girdle. That's what people do, is they wear girdles.
05:33Lots of men wear them, especially, like, men who do telly.
05:36Lots of men wear girdles.
05:37Yes, they do. You see them backstage, walking round.
05:40Just see the nipples above.
05:41It's like saying, lots of men do that, Jon.
05:43Most men do ejaculate before they get into the bedroom.
05:46I don't think you should be worried.
05:48Most men are wearing girdles. It's fine.
05:50Put your girdle on and cry.
05:51I think you've got a nice, um... You're a nice little figure.
05:54Yeah, I think so.
05:56My problem is mainly back fat,
05:58and it would seem like there's quite a simple solution to that,
06:00which is to go to the gym.
06:01Exercise.
06:02And then the back fat disappears.
06:03However, there are a number of reasons I don't want to go to the gym.
06:06I think any reasons are best explained with a pie chart.
06:09So, I've done you a quick pie chart.
06:11Are you going to point out things on the pie chart?
06:13With a pointer.
06:15So...
06:18Here's a pie chart of reasons I don't go to the gym.
06:20Reason number one, sympathy for my pregnant wife.
06:22My wife wanted to exercise while she was pregnant.
06:25She couldn't, cos you're not allowed to,
06:27and I thought it would be unfair for me to exercise while she was pregnant,
06:30so I didn't go to the gym.
06:31Baby was born two years ago.
06:33I remain sympathetic.
06:35Don't want her to feel bad.
06:36Second reason I don't go to the gym,
06:38I've already had a shower once today,
06:40and I feel like showering again will be bad for the environment.
06:43So, I've just got one eye on everybody else's health.
06:46Third reason, I'm a vegetarian.
06:48I don't quite know what that means,
06:49it just doesn't seem fair that I should have to turn down so much food
06:52and have to go to the gym.
06:54Next reason I don't go to the gym,
06:56I don't want to.
07:05If I were to go to the gym and get rid of the back fat,
07:08that skin's still stretched,
07:09so they don't have a different worry
07:11that I'd have little bits of skin hanging off my body.
07:13Fortunately, technology stepped in here,
07:16and a company has invented a thing
07:18specifically to help you deal with this problem,
07:19mainly around the area of neck fat.
07:22I think some people are worried as they get older,
07:24their necks get a bit loose.
07:25This is a company called Nexy,
07:27and a revolutionary product.
07:29Nexy is designed to temporarily
07:31tighten the skin around your neck,
07:33taking years off your appearance.
07:36Determine the area on the back of your neck
07:38where you want to start the tape.
07:41Carefully place one end of the tape
07:43to the side of your neck,
07:44and secure.
07:46Pull very slightly
07:47while gathering the excess skin
07:49under the tape
07:50towards the center of the neck.
07:52And then secure
07:53by pressing the remainder of the tape
07:55in place
07:56to hold the skin firmly.
07:59Smooth,
08:00and hold in place
08:01until the entire strip
08:02and ends
08:03stick securely.
08:06Once in place,
08:07let down your hair,
08:08or wear clothing
08:09to cover the tape.
08:11Nexy that.
08:12I mean,
08:13your worries are gone.
08:14Okay.
08:16If you think that's bad,
08:18if you think that's bad,
08:19one of my aunties,
08:20she went to Harley Street
08:21to have a facelift
08:22in her late 40s,
08:23and they said,
08:24you're too young, your skin's too good,
08:25there's nothing to take.
08:26What we will do
08:27is do something on your neck.
08:28So what they did was,
08:29they put a string
08:31through her neck,
08:32and they said,
08:33it's so great,
08:34it starts behind your ear,
08:35and it goes up,
08:36and then all that happens
08:37is every couple of days
08:38you come back
08:39and we tighten the string again.
08:40Right.
08:41So she comes out of the hospital
08:42and she's like texting everyone,
08:43like, come round, come round,
08:44I've had my neck done.
08:45And then as she was getting out of her car,
08:46she turns her head,
08:47and one of it,
08:48yeah, it snapped.
08:49It snapped,
08:50and then like all rushed up.
08:51Like curtains.
08:53Oh,
08:54I think that's the concern.
08:55If you go to a plastic surgeon,
08:56and they say,
08:57your skin is too good
08:58for us to do anything here,
09:00and then they carry on
09:01doing something,
09:02they should be struck
09:03off the list, shouldn't they?
09:04Well, they won't just
09:05let you do anything,
09:06because that's what annoys me,
09:07because I asked,
09:08all I wanted is,
09:09I wanted them to insert
09:11some rice into my buttocks,
09:14so when I twerk,
09:15I sound like a maraca.
09:19I've advanced
09:20the Nexi technology,
09:21because I'm like you,
09:22I think surgery
09:23is not the answer,
09:24I think ultimately
09:25you have to be happy
09:26with the body you're in,
09:27but if there's something
09:28you can do to advance that,
09:29I've taken the Nexi technology
09:31to the back fat level.
09:36And it just helps shape me
09:38in a way that I'm comfortable with.
09:40It just looks like a crime scene.
09:42Yeah, well by using hazard tape,
09:44you create the impression
09:45that a crime's happened in your pants.
09:47In many ways it has.
09:49So, let's go and log the worry
09:51inside my worry index.
09:52So here we have my severe,
09:54moderate and low worries,
09:55you can see sort of examples,
09:56reply to all emails,
09:57that's obviously one of this country's
09:58greatest concerns.
09:59Sort of moderate worries,
10:00traffic jams, YouTube,
10:01distant cousins,
10:02I'm guessing that is a very different worry
10:04in Joe Wilkinson's family tree.
10:08And then we go down
10:09to sort of lower worries
10:10like pilates, package holidays
10:12and dad bod.
10:13Where do you think?
10:14So presumably that is you,
10:15not your dad.
10:16No, that's my body as a dad.
10:18So maybe it should go next to that.
10:19Yeah.
10:20Sort of feels vaguely relevant.
10:21So between that and blisters,
10:22I think when I try
10:23and take this tape off,
10:24I'm going to end up
10:25with some blisters,
10:26so I think that seems
10:27like a good place to go,
10:28right in there on the bottom.
10:29I worry my body's
10:30becoming an unusual shape.
10:31There we go.
10:36So now I'm slightly worried
10:37that all this tape on my back
10:39may have cut off
10:40some blood circulation
10:41around my body,
10:42so while I cut myself out of this,
10:43let's have a short break.
10:57APPLAUSE
11:00Welcome back to
11:01Ultimate Worrier,
11:02where tonight we're looking at
11:03worries exclusively
11:04to do with the body.
11:05Now, being worrier in chief,
11:06I'm always on the hunt
11:07for more things to worry about,
11:09which is where my guests come in.
11:11So, Joe, do you have
11:13a body-related worry for me?
11:15Yeah, I've got a few.
11:17One of the things
11:18I always get a bit paranoid about
11:20is I don't think
11:21I'm a very good clapper.
11:23Not good in...
11:24You're missing?
11:26I can make contact.
11:27It's not clapping loud enough?
11:28Yeah.
11:29I don't want it to be, like,
11:30considerably loud,
11:31just a bit like, ooh.
11:33So my idea was,
11:34I feel it's a shame
11:35that evolution hasn't got to a point
11:37where if you wanted to do
11:38a louder clap,
11:39you could swap your feet
11:40for your hands.
11:42I believe you've created
11:44something to help with this.
11:45Yes.
11:46I think my assistants
11:47are going to bring...
11:48I have a couple of Johns
11:49standing by.
11:51And you've made this yourself?
11:53Yeah.
11:54You've not had this
11:55made by professionals, then?
11:56This is...
11:57No, no, spits and bobs
11:58out in the house.
12:00Talk us through
12:01that monstrosity there, Joe.
12:02What's happening there?
12:03And so, um,
12:04do you, Sarah,
12:05take John
12:06to be your
12:07lawfully wedded husband?
12:09Damn right I do.
12:18Cheers, Joe.
12:19Thanks, mate.
12:20Do that sound again.
12:21All right, I was hoping you
12:22wouldn't ask,
12:23but it's not as effective
12:24as I hoped.
12:26Perhaps the dream solution
12:27is, like,
12:28one hand, one foot,
12:29so you can sort of
12:30slide between them.
12:31Oh, now you've...
12:32Yeah.
12:33So maybe, like,
12:34you would just take
12:35one foot off,
12:36and if it was a particularly
12:37good performance
12:38by diastrates,
12:39you'd be like...
12:40Yeah, see?
12:41That's the...
12:42Yeah.
12:43Yeah.
12:48That's an important worry,
12:49isn't it, Joe?
12:51So, yeah,
12:52so I just think...
12:53A few other things
12:54I'd like to improve on.
12:55I'd like...
12:56I think it'd be nice
12:57to have, um,
12:58little hatches
12:59that can close
13:00on your nostrils
13:01for those times
13:02when you're in the, um,
13:03when someone farts
13:04in the swimming pool
13:05changing room.
13:07So it'd be nice
13:08to just go, ooh.
13:10And what about breathing
13:11in that situation?
13:12You've not got a mouth, mate.
13:17But that's worse, isn't it?
13:18Because I always think
13:19when someone farts,
13:20as gross as this is,
13:21if you breathe
13:22through the nose,
13:23you're sort of
13:24double-filtering it.
13:25If you take a big mouth,
13:26you're basically
13:27swallowing their shit.
13:28Well, don't...
13:29If you smell it,
13:30don't go...
13:32I'm not sort of
13:33walking up there
13:34banging on scissors
13:35in the air.
13:37I'm like a dustbuster
13:38for farts.
13:40Is that the end
13:41of your freakish evolution?
13:42Oh, no, the only other...
13:43The only other idea
13:44I've had is
13:45detachable genitals.
13:47Because you hardly
13:48use them.
13:49So it'd just be nice
13:50if you'd get up
13:51and you'd go,
13:52oh, I'm not going to
13:53use them today
13:54and just pop them
13:55in the bedside drawer.
13:56But this is
13:57an incredible idea
13:58because then if they're
13:59detachable,
14:00you can confiscate
14:01them from people
14:02who'd use them
14:03incorrectly.
14:04It's like,
14:05that is locked up
14:06till you learn
14:07how to behave, mate.
14:08If this is the future
14:09of evolution,
14:10detachable balls
14:11and hands for feet,
14:12I'm out, to be honest.
14:13So, well,
14:14let's file this worry.
14:15We didn't actually hear
14:16how loudly you clap.
14:17Give us your...
14:19It's a bad clap, isn't it?
14:20It's too deep.
14:21All right, mate,
14:22I've said it's worrying me.
14:24And then slap the foot.
14:26Oh, yeah.
14:27Oh, yeah.
14:28If you heard that
14:29in a room,
14:30you wouldn't enter,
14:31would you?
14:40I'm going to put it low
14:41just because I think
14:42when you start listing
14:43some of these
14:44moderate problems
14:45like miles per gallon,
14:46car seats,
14:47online shopping,
14:48it's just not up there,
14:49is it?
14:50Joe Wilkinson's inability
14:51to clap at a gig.
14:52And I'm going to stroll
14:53sort of right to the top end,
14:54I think.
14:55Limescale,
14:56now we're getting it.
14:57Limescale and trousers.
14:58That feels like
14:59a sort of legitimate place
15:00to put Joe Wilkinson's worry
15:01that he doesn't clap
15:02loud enough.
15:08Um, Sarah,
15:09what's your worry
15:10about bodies?
15:11So, my worry
15:12is I think
15:13I walk wonky.
15:15Specifically,
15:16a heeled shoe problem?
15:17Yeah,
15:18a heeled shoe problem,
15:19but I think
15:20now I'm conscious of it,
15:21whenever I'm walking,
15:22I'm really,
15:23am I doing this right?
15:24It's just,
15:25how are you supposed
15:26to do it?
15:27It's really hard
15:28when you think about
15:29walking.
15:30Very aware that,
15:31taken out of context,
15:32this sentence will make me
15:33look like a monster
15:34when we readdress
15:35the sort of male-female
15:36balance on telly.
15:37Yeah.
15:38Is there any chance
15:39you could get up
15:40and walk up and down?
15:41There is.
15:42There is.
15:43I'm very self-conscious,
15:44and this is me
15:45trying to do it
15:46really normally.
15:47I got on here
15:48and normally
15:49do you really notice?
15:50Do you want me to give you
15:51a situation?
15:52I'm just in the supermarket,
15:53I'm just looking for
15:54some sweetcorn.
15:55I'm just going to look
15:56around.
15:57It's very measured.
15:58Well, I'm trying
15:59to do it properly.
16:00Do a wonky walk.
16:01Walk wonky!
16:04Is it wonky?
16:05It's quite aggressive.
16:08I'll be honest,
16:09I've never walked
16:10in heels.
16:11Have you?
16:13What?
16:14What I mean is I watch
16:15a lot of videos
16:16of people falling over.
16:17And as I understand it,
16:18the heel is the
16:19hardest thing to walk in.
16:21So this,
16:22I'll be honest,
16:23this is one of my
16:24favourite videos
16:25of all time,
16:26and this is a lady
16:27walking quite confidently
16:28in heels,
16:29but showing how
16:30difficult it can be.
16:31I feel,
16:32this is going to
16:33sound really silly,
16:34but I feel really sexy,
16:35and I think that's just...
16:42There are times when
16:43women whose career
16:44requires them
16:45to walk up and down
16:46in heels,
16:47even they find
16:48difficult models.
16:49So here is a clip
16:50of a catwalk model
16:51who's been told,
16:52pop the heels on,
16:53walk to the end,
16:54and walk back again.
17:12I'll show you that,
17:32not to take pleasure
17:33in someone being humiliated
17:34at work.
17:35Maybe it's not you,
17:37maybe heels are just...
17:38That woman can clearly walk.
17:41She looks like she
17:42was just born.
17:43You know,
17:44like Bambi comes out
17:45and is like,
17:46ooh,
17:47that's what she's like.
17:48So it would only be fair,
17:49because I think
17:50this is a uniquely...
17:51I think it would be fair.
17:52What am I about to say?
17:53You're going to put
17:54some heels on.
17:55I'm going to put
17:56some heels on.
17:57Does that feel...
18:03I mean,
18:04the danger here
18:05is that something
18:07is about to change in me
18:09that might never
18:10come back.
18:11So I've never walked
18:12in heels before.
18:13I'm really excited
18:14this time.
18:15So it changes
18:16your centre of gravity
18:17completely.
18:18I've got quite a lot
18:19of counterweight
18:20at the back.
18:21Yeah,
18:22which might work
18:23well for you.
18:24So it kind of tips
18:25your hips forward,
18:26so actually you do
18:27have to kind of
18:28lean back into heels.
18:29It's very strange.
18:30I cannot wait for this.
18:31I'm so excited.
18:32Would it be weird
18:33if I helped
18:34you put them on?
18:35It'd be less weird
18:36if you had
18:37your own pair,
18:38mate.
18:40That's so good.
18:41I can't believe
18:42the pair you've come for.
18:43I actually do
18:44feel really sexy.
18:45So when were they
18:46like,
18:47I mean,
18:48Jon,
18:49we're going to get you
18:50to walk in some heels.
18:51You were like,
18:52I'm going to choose them.
18:53Oh, my God.
18:56This is dangerous.
18:58As a man who
18:59sort of has issues
19:00about his height,
19:01this could answer
19:02so many questions.
19:03Oh, my God.
19:04So now you two
19:05pretend you're
19:06in the supermarket.
19:07Let's go and get some
19:09Sarah came back
19:10without the sweetcorn.
19:11Let's go and get it.
19:28Shall we get a trolley?
19:34You go and get a trolley.
19:35I'll go and get some sweetcorn.
19:36I would rather
19:37come with you.
19:41I'm going to let you go
19:42because I think
19:43I think you're
19:44holding me back.
19:50I don't know what you're on about.
19:51Do all women in here
19:52feel better?
19:54Joe,
19:55have you seen Dirty Dance?
19:59You've got a very sexy
20:00wig wool in yours.
20:01Thank you.
20:02I was born with that.
20:04It was a real problem
20:05at school.
20:06I was doing what
20:07a sweetcorn is like.
20:12That's how I walk.
20:14That's how I walk
20:15in heels with the bent legs.
20:16I actually feel like
20:17I've got useless.
20:19I don't think
20:20this is a problem.
20:23Straighten your legs, Joe.
20:25And lean back.
20:26Lean back.
20:27And now walk.
20:28Now walk?
20:32Well, I'll tell you what,
20:33these aren't coming off.
20:37You love it.
20:42That's my favourite thing
20:43that's ever happened.
20:45I don't want to sit down
20:46because then I'd have to
20:47take these off again
20:48and I don't want to.
20:50I actually feel
20:51really sexy.
20:54I'll just keep them on
20:55while we're putting
20:56in the index.
20:57Let's go and file it away.
21:00So the worry is...
21:04You've...
21:05changed.
21:07It's just how we're
21:08going to explain
21:09why I'm wearing them
21:10in the next show.
21:12I think because people...
21:13You walk every day
21:14and you can't avoid it.
21:15I think it is
21:16a severe worry.
21:17I mean, I think
21:18the way I've shown
21:19how easy it is
21:20to walk in heels
21:21illustrates
21:22quite what a mess
21:23you're making.
21:25I'm sort of willing
21:26on your account
21:27to just put that
21:28right up there
21:29because as bad as
21:30you look walking normally,
21:31when I'm next to you
21:32in these,
21:33you're going to look awful.
21:34I'm going to put it
21:35next to disco dancing.
21:36Wonky walk,
21:37right at the top.
21:45So that's all
21:46we've got time for for now.
21:47Join us after the break.
22:04Welcome back to
22:05Ultimate Worry Aware.
22:06Tonight we're looking at
22:07worries related to the body.
22:08Let's move on to
22:09the next worry for the night
22:10which is this one.
22:11I worry I'm going
22:12to live forever.
22:14Now, this is to do
22:15with the advancement
22:16of science and medicine
22:17which means obviously
22:18we're living longer
22:19and longer already.
22:20There is a point to which
22:21that will become,
22:22in my opinion,
22:23too long.
22:24I just worry about
22:25getting to a point
22:26where I'm going to
22:27have to ask to die.
22:28That feels slightly depressing
22:29when I've had enough.
22:30I wouldn't worry about that.
22:31I'm sure there'll be
22:32lots of volunteers
22:34getting,
22:35oh yeah, I'll take you to Switzerland.
22:36No problem.
22:37I'm just going to
22:38change this worry to
22:39I'm worried Sarah's going to kill me.
22:42There's science to back this up.
22:43So this, I don't know
22:44if you've heard of this gentleman.
22:45This is Aubrey de Grey.
22:46He is a biomedical gerontologist.
22:49He's got the sort of
22:50look of a love child
22:51of Charles Manson
22:52and Fidel Castro.
22:55He speculates
22:56the first person
22:57who will live a thousand years
22:58has already been born today.
23:00So he says there's
23:01somebody out there now
23:02who just through advancements
23:03in medicine and science
23:04will live for a thousand years.
23:05How do you feel about that?
23:06He's also saying
23:07they're going to have
23:08really big boobs.
23:10I can't imagine being dead.
23:13So I do think
23:14I'm going to live forever.
23:15I can't imagine everyone else
23:16just carrying on without me.
23:19Like how?
23:20What would happen?
23:22That sounds much more harsh
23:23than I mean it to.
23:24But if you die tomorrow
23:25I'm carrying on, mate.
23:26Sarah's gone.
23:27That's it for the rest of us.
23:28You think that?
23:29And if I do die tomorrow
23:30that clip looks awful
23:31on your TV programme.
23:35How do you fancy
23:36being a thousand years old, Joe?
23:38Yeah, I'd like that.
23:39I basically
23:40I think I'd like it
23:41just to give me a chance
23:42to finish a sudoku.
23:45My worry is just like
23:46the number of
23:47because presumably
23:48this won't happen to
23:50the animal kingdom.
23:51So in a thousand years
23:52the number of pets
23:53you're going to see off
23:54is just depressing.
23:55You wouldn't be able
23:56to put a plant in your garden
23:57without eating the bones
23:58of old dogs and cats.
23:59Politically they say
24:00we drift right
24:01as we get older.
24:02I mean there's people already.
24:03I think Piers Morgan's
24:04got about two years left
24:05before he's
24:06he can't go any further.
24:07A thousand year old
24:08Piers Morgan.
24:09That's an awful world
24:10to live in.
24:12One other option
24:13is if you wanted now
24:14to live forever
24:15what you can do
24:16is have your body frozen.
24:17So there's a theory that
24:18when you die
24:19at some point
24:20there will be a cure
24:21for death
24:22and you could have
24:23your body frozen.
24:24It's called cryonics.
24:25Put you in a massive freezer
24:26and then when we have
24:27a cure for death
24:28we'd open the fridge door
24:29get Wilkinson out
24:30with the peas
24:31and the Finder's
24:32crispy pancakes.
24:33This is what
24:34a cryonics lab
24:35looks like.
24:36That's a full size scientist.
24:37They're big tanks.
24:39What isn't clear
24:40from the picture is
24:41every one of these
24:42big tanks has
24:43somebody in it.
24:44So these are all
24:45person tanks here.
24:46But they hang you
24:47upside down
24:48so there's sort of
24:49no dignity in it.
24:50Just hung upside down
24:51for all eternity
24:52like that.
24:53And God knows
24:54how saggy your balls
24:55would be after a thousand years.
24:56Presumably just a ball
24:57slapping you
24:58in the face
24:59for all eternity.
25:00Is it cheaper
25:01to go in the small one
25:02because they have
25:03to fold you up?
25:06Sadly
25:07there are no facilities
25:08in this country
25:09for cryonic freezing
25:10but there are a group
25:11of people in Sheffield
25:12who are on hand
25:13to have you frozen
25:14and shipped
25:15to the United States
25:16so that after
25:17a short life here
25:18you go to America
25:19and live forever.
25:20A bit like what we did
25:21with The Office.
25:23So we sent
25:24our reporter
25:25Rose Mattafeo
25:26to Sheffield
25:27to meet them.
25:32Death.
25:33We all have it
25:34but do we want it?
25:35I know I sure don't.
25:40Yet it's claimed
25:41as some of the best of us.
25:42David Bowie
25:43Prince
25:45Elton John
25:47No.
25:50But what if there were
25:51a way to cheat death?
25:52To find a way
25:53to freeze and preserve
25:54the mind
25:55in the hopes
25:56that one day
25:57technology will be able
25:58to bring us back to life
25:59so we can accidentally
26:00sleep with our own
26:01great-grandchildren.
26:03I'm in Sheffield
26:04to speak to someone
26:05who helps those of us
26:06who want to live
26:07long enough
26:08to experience
26:09our awful future.
26:10Mike Carter
26:11is a member
26:12of Cryonics UK
26:13a volunteer ambulance
26:14service that is on call
26:15to cool down a body
26:16moments after death
26:17and get it ready
26:18for cryogenic freezing.
26:20Mike hello
26:21my name's Rose
26:22lovely to meet you
26:23I'm a serious journalist
26:24so this is where
26:25the magic happens
26:26that's right
26:27this is the cryonics ambulance
26:28should we head on in?
26:29yep
26:31okay
26:32I want you to take me
26:33through the process
26:34from the start
26:35so pretend that I'm
26:36a dead body
26:37right
26:38as soon as you die
26:39with its absolute
26:40minimum of delay
26:41we like to get you
26:42in here
26:43we will put
26:44ice and water in
26:45to cool you down
26:46as quickly as possible
26:47far out
26:48there'll be
26:49a chest compression machine
26:50that keeps your blood
26:51flowing round
26:52okay
26:53tissue damage
26:54so when you say
26:55without delay
26:56how fast
26:57after a person
26:58dies
26:59do you have to
27:00get in there
27:01and get them in the ice bath
27:02ideally
27:03within five minutes
27:04five minutes
27:05yes
27:06so this vehicle
27:07has to be on standby
27:08when the person
27:09is nearly
27:10going to pass away
27:11that's right
27:12yes
27:13we aim to get there
27:14a few days
27:15before they
27:16think they're going to die
27:17because you can never
27:18tell for sure
27:19is that a bit awkward?
27:21um
27:23yeah
27:24it's definitely
27:25a bit awkward
27:26what kind of training
27:27do you have to have?
27:28do you have some
27:29sort of certificate
27:30or anything like that?
27:31because I wouldn't even
27:32get a bikini wax
27:33from someone
27:34who doesn't have
27:35a certificate
27:36you know
27:37I want something
27:38framed up on the wall
27:39to show
27:40you know
27:41this person
27:42is qualified
27:43to do this job
27:44yeah
27:45in that case
27:46you couldn't
27:47get a bikini wax
27:48from us
27:49I had some
27:50reservations
27:51about a volunteer
27:52but I think
27:53this is a good
27:54opportunity
27:55to have
27:56someone
27:57who's
27:58qualified
27:59to do this
28:00job
28:01and who's
28:02qualified
28:03to
28:04do
28:05this
28:06job
28:07because
28:08I
28:09think
28:10um
28:11we
28:12need
28:13to
28:14find
28:15out
28:16who
28:17this
28:18person
28:19is
28:20and
28:21In a small pump unit, it drives the cryoprotectant
28:24through the system at a very carefully controlled pressure.
28:27These are the jugular veins.
28:29They're also cut.
28:30That's actually pushed up inside the arteries
28:33and it takes the cryoprotectant into the head
28:36and therefore into the brain.
28:37Now I fully understood the science,
28:40I wanted to explore the psychology.
28:42What is it about this that should appeal to people?
28:46Because this is quite, to me, it's kind of terrifying.
28:49I don't even give blood.
28:50Is it more terrifying than death?
28:53Sort of.
28:54Everyone's keen to live as long as possible.
28:57I think we are among the last generations
28:59who will have to die.
29:01Really?
29:02I recognize that the process is a bit of a long shot.
29:06Having said that, people buy lottery tickets,
29:09so I think the chances of getting revived in the future
29:13are much higher than they are
29:14of winning the jackpot on the lottery.
29:15So you're a gambling man,
29:17but with the potential of eternal life.
29:22Mike makes a compelling argument,
29:23but I'm not entirely convinced.
29:25No, I'll be going out the old-fashioned way,
29:27cremating my remains and spreading the ashes
29:30at a ride at Disneyland Paris.
29:32I'm Rose Matafeo for Ultimate Warrior.
29:34Thank you.
29:35Thank you.
29:36Thank you.
29:37Thank you.
29:37Thank you.
29:38Thank you.
29:39Thank you.
29:40Thank you.
29:41Thank you.
29:42Thank you.
29:42Thank you.
29:43Thank you.
29:44Thank you.
29:45Thank you.
29:46Thank you.
29:47What annoys me is, he did give me a bikini wax.
29:51Obviously, Mike is a lovely fella.
29:53Yeah.
29:54Is there an arrogance for someone to say,
29:58I can't imagine that there will be a future
30:00that doesn't need me?
30:02No.
30:03I think that's a really fair thing to say.
30:05It's not that other people won't be able
30:06to have a great life,
30:07it's that you want to be part of it
30:09and find out what happens.
30:10But if there is a massive, huge apocalypse,
30:13I want to see it.
30:14If human beings end up living in holes
30:17and eating each other, I want to be there.
30:19You've really flipped that on its head.
30:22It's not that I don't want to live forever,
30:23I just want to be around to see everybody die.
30:25Yeah.
30:26I want to be there for the end.
30:28What about the economy option
30:29of just having the head frozen
30:31and taking a new body?
30:32Would you want to do that?
30:33Yeah.
30:34Yeah?
30:35Centaur it.
30:38I think I'd go owl.
30:40You're not going to like this,
30:41but an owl's trouser size
30:43is much bigger on the waist than the legs.
30:46I think so, I've already got the wardrobe.
30:49I've always thought of you as a squirrel,
30:52because I remember you got showbiz pictures
30:55on your phone of the squirrels coming to the window
30:57to look at you in your house.
30:59And I feel like there's a commune thing
31:01going on with them and you,
31:02where they're like, he looks like us.
31:06If you couldn't preserve your body,
31:09what would you do with it when you die?
31:11Well, the little idea I had,
31:12I'd quite like to be stuffed
31:13and then just sort of left by a pedestrian crossing.
31:19The cars have to keep stopping.
31:20Just to piss drivers off.
31:22Bloody Wilkinson.
31:23Or a cash machine.
31:25That's good.
31:27That's really good.
31:29You want to continue to irritate people after you die?
31:31Yeah, yeah, basically, yeah.
31:33Well, it's not far off possible.
31:35A company that already exists
31:37will allow you to take your social media presence
31:41into the afterlife.
31:42So you can generate social media content after you die.
31:46That's one way to live forever,
31:47through social media,
31:48meaning we can all spend the rest of eternity
31:50as a bot on Twitter.
31:52Here to explain how that's possible,
31:54please welcome the founder
31:55of the Digital Legacy Association, James Norris.
31:58Thank you.
31:59Thank you.
32:00Thank you.
32:01Thank you.
32:02Thank you.
32:02Thank you.
32:03Thank you.
32:04Thank you.
32:05Thank you.
32:06Thank you.
32:07Thank you.
32:07Thank you.
32:08Thank you.
32:09Thank you.
32:10Can you explain what it is
32:11that the Digital Legacy Association does?
32:13So the Digital Legacy Association raises awareness
32:15around the importance of planning for death digitally.
32:18So everything from making sure that our photos
32:21and videos that are saved online
32:23are able to be accessed by our loved ones,
32:26and that our wishes for Facebook, Twitter,
32:28and all these other services that we use
32:30are kind of adhered to.
32:32And then as part of that,
32:33you can continue those things.
32:36So say you had Facebook accounts, Twitter accounts,
32:38you can continue to message on those
32:40after you've died.
32:41Yeah, so we launched a tool a few years ago
32:43called Dead Social.
32:45Again, with the purpose of evoking thought,
32:48conversation, in some cases laughter,
32:51around the notion of thinking about death
32:54and then making plans and creating messages
32:58that can be sent out after we've gone.
32:59So rather than the last thing that somebody says online
33:03being something a bit silly,
33:05we're able to say goodbye in our own way
33:07and in our own time.
33:09Can you be naughty though?
33:10Like, so if I did want to troll John from beyond the grave,
33:15do you have a system in place to stop me doing that?
33:16Or could it be just sliding into his DMs every morning?
33:21In a similar way to how social media
33:23allows you to be creative and express yourself
33:26however you want to, we do exactly the same.
33:29So as long as John doesn't come back to us and say,
33:32I'm finding this really upsetting.
33:33I think I would do that.
33:36What do you think of this?
33:37Are you going to troll me?
33:38I'm getting upset that you're both using this against me.
33:40It doesn't make sense though,
33:40because you could sort of set up stuff
33:43and sort of say what you actually want to think,
33:45because you're dead.
33:46You go, I don't give a shit you've done a tough mudder.
33:48So ladies and gentlemen,
33:53thank you for helping with my analysis.
33:54James Norris.
34:02So we've had a good old chat
34:03about the concept of living forever.
34:05I feel we've got enough information now
34:06for me to put it into the worry index.
34:08So I'll get up and we'll file that one away.
34:11How do you feel now about my worry
34:12that I might live forever?
34:13I feel like you're having such a terrible time being alive.
34:16Am I?
34:17Yeah, it should be up with the Reds.
34:19Slow dancing, predictive texts.
34:22That's got to be one of the big problems.
34:24Because it's married to the same sort of thing.
34:25Imagine a tweet that you've put to go out
34:27800 years after you've died, to be poignant.
34:30And all someone says is, you mean E-Y apostrophe R-E,
34:33not E-I-R-E.
34:35So that's going as a severe worry,
34:37living forever next to predictive texts.
34:39Yeah.
34:44So that's it for Top Three.
34:45We'll see you after the break, and after that break,
34:48and after that break, and forever and ever
34:50into the indefinite future.
35:04CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
35:08Welcome back to Ultimate Worrier.
35:10Let's take a look at my next body worry of the night.
35:14I worry my face makes a terrible first impression.
35:18So before we get started on this,
35:20here's an important message from Mae Martin
35:21on why you should be worried
35:22about making a good first impression.
35:27You just saw me for one tenth of a second,
35:30which, according to scientists,
35:31is more than enough time for you to judge
35:33if I'm smart or trustworthy or nice.
35:36Obviously, you thought I was all three of those things, right?
35:38You didn't just suddenly think that I look like
35:40the love child of Ellen DeGeneres and Niall Horan.
35:43After 60 seconds, someone that you've just met
35:46has already processed 10,000 visual, oral, and tactile cues
35:50about who you are and what you're like,
35:52and they've already decided if they want to fuck you,
35:55fight you, or politely make their excuses
35:57and throw themselves out the window.
35:58You're fucking mentally ill!
36:0093% of employers these days
36:02will review a candidate's social media profile
36:05before hiring them,
36:06although I don't think they did for this job.
36:09Aw, do a couple of jokes.
36:11Oh, it's me, John, alive at the Apollo.
36:14So that old photo of you from uni
36:16with a joint in your mouth or a traffic cone on your head
36:19or recreating famous scenes from Titanic with your pug.
36:22Jack.
36:25That might be the reason that you didn't get hired
36:27for your dream job.
36:28Get out.
36:29So make a good impression that first time,
36:32because otherwise, it's your personality
36:34that's going to have to do all the heavy lifting later on,
36:36and I personally hate all forms of exercise.
36:41Thank you, Maeve.
36:46What do you think about that, then?
36:47A tenth of a second to make a first impression
36:50that will take six months to alter.
36:52Well, there's another statistic,
36:53which is that people, if they dislike you at first
36:56and then they then start to like you,
36:58they like you a lot more
36:59than if they had liked you all along.
37:00So if you do win people over,
37:02they then are much more fond of you.
37:04That's very interesting.
37:05Yeah.
37:06Because I don't think anyone I've ever met
37:07has liked me at first.
37:09Really?
37:10Yeah.
37:10What are you doing wrong?
37:11Even my family just sort of...
37:13I just think it's my face.
37:15I just think I look miserable or judgmental or...
37:18What do you think people think when they look at that?
37:19That I'm you.
37:22When people first meet me,
37:23they usually tell me they don't have any loose change.
37:27LAUGHTER
37:29I've got evidence to back up, scientific evidence.
37:32So one, anecdotally,
37:34I get followed around shops a lot by security guards.
37:36I don't know if it's my demeanour
37:38or I tend to wear sort of a big coat,
37:41but I frequently am followed
37:43as if I'm about to steal something.
37:44I have the look of an urchin about me.
37:46I once did a thing where I was asked
37:48to take a picture for the marketing shop,
37:50holding a cooked breakfast, you'll see.
37:52And what they said to me specifically is,
37:54just hold the plate out,
37:55but don't pull a facial expression, right?
37:57Just try and look normal.
37:58So this is their picture.
38:00That's me giving breakfast to RoboCop.
38:04LAUGHTER
38:05It's just an ordinary face there.
38:07There's a company who can send away a photo
38:09and they will analyse that photo
38:10and tell you what they found within it.
38:12And these are the statistics
38:13that came back on the picture of me.
38:15Look how angry they think I am!
38:17LAUGHTER
38:18I'm not suggesting any anger.
38:20That's just a resting face.
38:21Neutrality, which is what they were looking for there.
38:24Very little.
38:25Happiness, they've got that wrong for a start.
38:27No sadness.
38:28I lived in Swindon when that picture was taken.
38:31There's an area there.
38:32Gender male, that was a relief.
38:34LAUGHTER
38:35But that came back from the lab.
38:36Beard, none. Moustache, none.
38:38So presumably, this off-word,
38:39you think I've smeared a bit of shit on my face.
38:41LAUGHTER
38:43What would you say makes a bad first impression with someone?
38:46I think people who don't smile.
38:48I think if it's a first impression,
38:51I mean, we're an ape, what we're trying to do is show
38:53I'm not competing with you for status, I'm not being aggressive,
38:56so what we do, we show our teeth and actually lots of our gestures.
38:59You know that shaking hands, like you said,
39:01that's to show you don't have a weapon in your right hand?
39:03Oh, is it? Culturally, that's why we do that.
39:05My weapon is my right hand.
39:06LAUGHTER
39:08And my most successful relationship.
39:10LAUGHTER
39:13What about you? Bad first impression?
39:15I think if you pick someone else's dog muck up...
39:18LAUGHTER
39:21Yeah, is a bad chat-up line.
39:23Yeah. It's kind of like, especially if you're not a lot of bag.
39:26LAUGHTER
39:28Let me get that for you. Fancy going for a pizza express, you know?
39:31LAUGHTER
39:33No? It's all about the thing you notice first, I guess, about someone.
39:37What do you think people see first when they see Joe Wilkinson?
39:42People look at me, they sort of look at me like
39:44they've just seen someone clip their wing mirror.
39:46LAUGHTER
39:49They sort of go...
39:51LAUGHTER
39:53Try and work out what's wrong.
39:54Do you remember, cos we've known each other a few years now, all of us,
39:58do you remember first meeting me and what you thought?
40:00I just remember thinking you were miles away.
40:03LAUGHTER
40:07Maybe that's why I overhear so much gossip about me.
40:09They just think I'm next door.
40:11Must be leaning forward as well, cos his top half's closer than his bottom half.
40:16Let's log this worry, then, my worry that I make a terrible first impression with my face.
40:20And I'll be honest, most of what you've told me there
40:22has made me think this is a genuine concern,
40:24because the statistics back up, I look angry,
40:26and you just thought I was tiny.
40:28LAUGHTER
40:30It does not suggest a package you would want to see more of.
40:32I don't think it's as bad as, you know, exchange rates and stag doos.
40:36Why's Ed Sheeran up there?
40:38I got a lot of worries about Ed Sheeran.
40:40LAUGHTER
40:42He's one of those people, if he said to me,
40:45I'd say, no, I don't think so, and then I'd just be,
40:47you're in love with your body.
40:49LAUGHTER
40:51Cos I've never willingly listened to it,
40:53but it's just snuck in there.
40:55I guess it's revival focus groups...
40:57Focus groups.
40:59That feels like the sort of thing you don't want to be involved with.
41:01Let's stick it there between focus groups and baby chinos.
41:03Yeah.
41:05In the list between focus groups and baby chinos.
41:07APPLAUSE
41:10APPLAUSE
41:14So we've got time for one quick worry from our audience.
41:16So where is Sean Grist?
41:18Sean Grist, what a name, I like that.
41:20Thank you very much.
41:22What is your worry?
41:24I worry that my tailbone is becoming useless.
41:26LAUGHTER
41:28I particularly like, is becoming useless.
41:30Yes.
41:32Like, first sort of 15 years, I was using it a lot.
41:34LAUGHTER
41:36I used a chisel and mortar, so I would, you know,
41:38grind things up with it.
41:40Last five years, I'll be honest, I've barely used it.
41:42What do you mean by becoming useless?
41:44Well, I find it a bit awkward if people give me a compliment,
41:48but if I was a dog, I could just wag my tail,
41:50so I just do that.
41:52Oh, I see, so you really wish you had a tail.
41:54Yeah, just so I could... I don't have to say anything then.
41:56OK.
41:58I'm coming round to this now.
42:00At first, I just thought you were weird.
42:02Now I know you want to wag your tail if someone pays you a compliment.
42:04What would it be doing now if you had a tail under there?
42:06I'd be wagging.
42:08Do you wish you had a tail?
42:10I think that's a really, really good point.
42:12We do need a way, like, a non-verbal...
42:14Mmm.
42:16LAUGHTER
42:18It'd be tense at Christmas, though, wouldn't it?
42:20Give someone a present.
42:22LAUGHTER
42:24You arsehole!
42:26LAUGHTER
42:28It's very difficult for me to not agree that the tailbone is useless,
42:30so I'm going to put that in a severe worry,
42:32and I wish we all had tails.
42:34Thank you very much.
42:36APPLAUSE
42:40We've come to the end of this week's show.
42:42Thank you very much.
42:44Is there anything I've been able to tell you this week
42:46that's going to stay with you when you leave?
42:48What's going to stay with me is a little kind of gif in my mind
42:50of you walking in.
42:52Hi, hi.
42:54What about you, Jo?
42:56I've learnt nothing.
42:58Thank you.
43:00APPLAUSE
43:10Since nobody asked,
43:12I'll tell you what I've learnt this week.
43:14I think you should just be comfortable in the skin you're in.
43:16Unless you've just been swallowed by a python.
43:18In which case, get out of there!
43:20Goodnight.
43:22APPLAUSE
43:30Thank you.