King Of The Hill Season 3 Episode 19 Hank's Cowboy Movie
Transcript
00:00 (music)
00:02 Dad, only two more inches to Wichita Falls.
00:08 Two and a quarter, Bobby. Good eye, son.
00:14 Hey, what's the best way to get to Carpus Christi?
00:17 Well, the quickest way is straight down here, but the best way is to go through Arlen.
00:23 It's one of George Bush's Communities of Excellence.
00:27 Arlen, huh? Is that where you're headed?
00:29 No, sir. We're on our way to Wichita Falls.
00:33 We're gonna see the training camp of the Dallas Cowboys.
00:37 They used to be in Austin. Till, well, you know.
00:41 But like my dad says, "Cowboys will be cowboys."
00:45 (laughs) I say that in private, son.
00:49 (music)
00:52 (gunshot)
00:54 (music)
00:56 (music)
01:24 Welcome to Wichita Falls training camp for the former world champion Dallas Cowboys!
01:31 Yeah! Way to go, Cowboys!
01:34 Irvin's looking good this year, huh, Dad?
01:37 Yep. I'm giving him an A-minus.
01:40 I'm giving him a B-plus. That gives him some room to improve.
01:45 Good idea, son.
01:47 And I'm giving Troy Aikman a B-plus, too.
01:50 That's not funny, Bobby.
01:52 (whistle)
01:53 Dad, look! They forgot one of their footballs!
02:02 Shh! Follow me.
02:05 (music)
02:11 Sweet Jethro Pugh.
02:21 The Super Bowl has come down to one play. Fourth down.
02:25 Aikman drops back to pass. Irvin heads for the goal line.
02:29 That's you, Bobby.
02:33 Oh. Okay.
02:35 Troy's under pressure. He fires into the end zone.
02:41 And hits Michael Irvin for a touchdown.
02:45 (thud)
02:46 Dang.
02:47 Uh, hold on a minute. Uh, pass interference. Cowboys retain possession.
02:53 And they run out the clock.
02:56 Uh, turns out they were ahead all along.
03:00 The Cowboys win the Super Bowl!
03:03 The Cowboys win the Super Bowl!
03:06 The Cowboys win the Super Bowl!
03:10 (music)
03:12 Well, hooray.
03:16 Where are you guys from?
03:18 Arlen, Texas.
03:19 Pig town. You a pig farmer?
03:22 Uh, I think you're confused, sir. We don't raise pigs in Arlen, Texas. We process 'em.
03:28 Oh, yeah. You folks make them tiny breakfast weenies.
03:33 But you're gonna have to leave now.
03:35 (music)
03:37 Wow. Did you just see that, Dad?
03:44 He added an extra move when he gave me the blizzard.
03:48 An extra little twirl.
03:50 They don't do that in Arlen.
03:53 Wichita Falls is the greatest place I have ever been in my life.
03:59 A dollar nine.
04:00 What? In Arlen, they're 99 cents.
04:03 In Arlen, it's not the official blended frozen dairy product of the Dallas Cowboys training camp.
04:10 (sigh)
04:12 (singing)
04:19 Hey, Dad. Look.
04:22 (gagging)
04:24 Well, I'll be dipped.
04:39 'Scuse me. We're looking for the assistant manager.
04:43 Jeff! There's some guys out here!
04:49 Damn it all, Jeff Jr. I wasn't finished with my nap.
04:54 Hello there. I'm Hank Hill, and I sell propane and propane accessories, too, in Arlen, Texas.
05:01 I gotta say, I sure envy you.
05:03 After a hard day's work at a job you love, you get to take your son to see the Cowboys.
05:10 I am so sick of you South Texas pig jockeys coming in here, waking me up to tell me, "How 'bout them Cowboys?"
05:19 Arlen stinks and Wichita Falls rules. And you know why?
05:23 'Cause in five minutes, I can be inside the great state of Oklahoma.
05:27 Go Sooners!
05:28 What?
05:29 (singing)
05:32 Go Sooners! Go Sooners!
05:36 Cut 'em out! Stop it! Stop it now!
05:39 (singing)
05:41 Stampede!
05:42 Go Sooners! Go Sooners!
05:45 Stampede!
05:47 Dallas Cowboys go!
05:49 (gagging)
05:51 Magic fingers. Ooh, I like magic.
06:01 (singing)
06:06 Stop! Get off of there, Bobby! You're not 18!
06:10 This is the coolest bed I have ever seen. They don't have beds like this in Arlen!
06:17 They certainly do not.
06:19 Look what I found in the nightstand.
06:22 What the heck is this?
06:24 This is the tape that Wichita Falls made to show how great it is here, and they sent it to the Cowboys, and that's why they came.
06:35 Do you want to watch my tape?
06:38 Wichita Falls is really excited about bringing the Dallas Cowboys to our city.
06:50 This North Texas town is a perfect spot for the training camp of the Dallas Cowboys.
06:57 North Texas, my foot. More like South Oklahoma.
07:02 Well, whatever you call it, I like it more than Pig Town.
07:07 What? Now you wash your mouth out right now with two or three of those little soaps.
07:17 I never noticed what a dump this town is before.
07:22 What's that smell? I think I'm going to throw up.
07:33 It's just a sausage plant. That smell means jobs, Bobby.
07:44 The state-of-the-art mall is anchored by Dillard's and J.C. Penney, and our restaurants include both Chili's and Ben & Jerry's.
07:57 Well, Bobby sure had a good time on your trip.
08:07 Yeah, too good. Now he's down on his hometown.
08:12 All his dreams from now on are going to be about leaving.
08:15 And then some high school guidance counselor is going to tell him to follow his dreams.
08:20 Then how will he end up? A fruit pie salesman with a whoopee cushion living in Wichita Falls.
08:27 Hank, it's happening to the best of our young people. There is nothing here for them.
08:33 Last week, two sixth graders told me they wanted to be astronauts.
08:38 You can't find work as an astronaut in Arlen, Hank. Not anymore.
08:43 I've been trying to hire some teenagers at Strickland for months.
08:48 No one wants to be a tank wipe these days.
08:52 And the problem is, our kids are leaving.
08:59 Hank is right. If all the children leave Arlen, there will be no young to take care of our old.
09:07 Our old will feed off our very old. Our very old who are not eating will wish they had been...
09:15 ...eaten.
09:17 Uh, Dale, that's not going to happen. Not if we do something about it.
09:23 We are going to keep our young people by bringing the Dallas Cowboys training camp to Arlen.
09:29 I know it's a long shot, but what if we make a movie about Arlen and send it to the Cowboys?
09:36 Do you really think we can make a movie, Hank?
09:39 I know we can. We used to make movies all the time. Remember, Dale, you practically slept with that little camcorder.
09:46 Practically? I was going to be the next Zapruder. Except nobody shot a president after that. Nobody knew what he was doing.
09:56 Shugs, as a professional on-air personality, I would be glad to donate my services.
10:03 I've always wanted to branch out from weather to hard infotainment.
10:07 Uh-huh. And every good movie starts with... with what? A good script. Yeah, that's a salt place.
10:14 Hey, Peggy, you're a writer. You could write the script.
10:18 Me? Well, all right. I will do it for the children of Arlen.
10:24 And I will be the president of the movie.
10:27 Tell you what, man, all you need is one of them dang old narrators, man.
10:30 They're just like the movie trailer guy, man. "In a world where love is against the law." You know, something like that.
10:36 Yeah, or we could put you in an armadillo suit. Bill, you'll be in charge of snacks.
10:43 Well, this calls for sopa pias.
10:46 All right, yeah, how about them, Cowboys?
10:49 Cowboys!
10:50 Sopa pias for everyone!
10:52 In Wichita Falls, this button doesn't stick.
10:57 Welcome, Jerry Jones. I'm Nancy Hicks-Gribble, and I'll be your tour guide on a magical journey through Arlen, Texas,
11:09 the next training campsite of the Dallas Cowboys.
11:13 Sharks may be scary, as is this beer-like Marlin, but fear not, Jerry, for land like Arlen is darlin'.
11:21 Cut!
11:22 We're gonna get the Cowboys.
11:24 Let's not get ahead of ourselves, Dale. Now, I noticed you were jiggling the camera a bit.
11:31 We really don't need any fancy camera tricks. Just point and shoot.
11:36 Gotcha. Consider me a human tripod with an invisible third leg.
11:42 Like you Cowboys, Arlenites are rugged individualists.
11:46 We are do-it-yourselfers, for your information. That's D-I-Y-F-Y-I.
11:51 One more reason Arlen is darlin'.
11:55 Cut!
11:56 Okay, that was written okay and acted pretty good, but it needs, uh...
12:03 It needs... Hmm, let me think about this. Uh...
12:08 Huh.
12:12 All right, let's do it again, maybe a little better this time.
12:17 I don't care what Hank says, Shug. I think your script is just wonderful.
12:21 Well, thank you, Nancy. I got that rhyming idea from Charles Carault.
12:27 Or was it Charles Osgood? Wait, which one was the one with the mistress and the Winnebago?
12:34 Oh, they all fool around, Shug.
12:37 Anyway, your script is brilliant. I wouldn't change a word.
12:40 Now that you mention it, you did change one teeny little word.
12:44 Really? Did I?
12:46 Yes. You said Arlenites instead of Arlenians.
12:52 Oh, that's the Channel 84 preferred term for residents of Arlen.
12:56 Well, technically, residents of Arlen are called Arlenians.
13:00 As a substitute educator, I would know that.
13:04 Well, you're the writer, Shug. I'm just the professional television personality.
13:13 Like you cowboys, Arlenites...
13:16 I'm duct-taping your Zoom.
13:18 Oh.
13:19 Hey, man, I'm gonna hit rash. Man, I'm gonna...
13:22 (muttering)
13:36 Gosh, I don't know who's sweating more. Me or the cheese.
13:41 You look tired, Dad. I guess it's hard to get enough rest when you're pres-identing a film.
13:48 But, see, I'm gonna do a big shot from up here.
13:53 Do you really think the cowboys would move to Arlen?
13:57 I sure do, son. Imagine what it'll be like.
14:01 We'll go to get autographs, and Troy Aikman will toss the ball around with you,
14:06 and I wish I could have had Dandy Don Meredith or Roger Staubach throwing me passes when I was your age.
14:15 Craig Morton would have been all right.
14:19 I love you, Bobby.
14:20 What?
14:22 Uh, nothing. Hey, look at that bird.
14:27 Dale, stop putting your bug truck in the background of all the shots.
14:32 What kind of message are we sending? Arlen is full of bugs?
14:36 You think that's all I do?
14:38 I killed eight gophers last year, and a purebred Tennessee walking horse that was looking at me funny.
14:45 Did you know that that prima donna had the gall to suggest changing my slogan from "Arlen is darlin'" to "Arlen, where Super Bowls are born"?
14:57 Where Super Bowls are born. Huh. Where is Nancy, anyway?
15:03 Well, Miss Priss is pouting in her trailer. She won't do my snake scene.
15:09 Whew. Thank God you're here, John Redcorn.
15:18 Nancy won't come out of the bug-a-bago.
15:21 Nancy has a headache and requires treatment.
15:30 I will need about an hour. And a bottle of Aste Spumante.
15:35 I'll get it.
15:37 That's it. You have pampered that woman long enough. Put me on camera right this second.
15:49 Come on. Come on. The snakes and I are ready to go.
15:52 Uh, maybe we should give John Redcorn a few more minutes.
15:59 Do you know what that is?
16:00 No.
16:01 Let me tell you. That is the sound of Arlen's future going right down the toilet.
16:07 And do you know whose butt is on that seat?
16:10 Well, it's yours, Hank. It's your butt.
16:14 Dale, get the camera.
16:17 Okay, we're rolling. Now just try to relax. And remember, all the cowboys will be watching you.
16:26 It's feeding time here at the world-famous Arlen's Snake Farm.
16:31 You cowboys have a lot in common with these hungry vipers.
16:37 They devour rodents just the way you devour... opponents.
16:44 Time out.
16:50 Uh, that was, uh...
16:54 Uh, oh, look, here's Nancy now.
16:58 Uh, Nancy, Peggy was just, uh, standing in for you.
17:02 Now, honey, if you'll just, uh, step aside.
17:05 Nancy, why don't we do this one with your new slogan, "Arlen, where Super Bowls are born."
17:12 Oh, I'll say my slogan, Suge, but I'm not touching that little mouse.
17:19 Oh, yes, you are.
17:21 [Nancy screams]
17:29 Hey, hey, hey, get him off!
17:32 [Arlen screams]
17:46 Get off Nancy!
17:48 [Arlen screams]
17:51 Bobby, help me save the cheese!
17:53 Cut!
17:54 [Arlen screams]
17:57 Cut it out!
17:58 [Arlen screams]
18:09 I quit!
18:10 Peggy, if you've ever loved the cowboys, apologize to her.
18:14 She said Arlenite. It's Arlenian, Arlenian, Arlenian.
18:18 Either I get an apology, or guess what? I quit.
18:22 Well, you just quit, Suge.
18:24 [Arlen cries]
18:26 Then, I quit.
18:27 If Peggy quits, I quit.
18:30 Tell 'em, man, I'll... tell 'em, I'll tell 'em myself, man, I quit.
18:33 Hank, you have bully-ragged this production and stifled my creativity from day one.
18:39 It is now day two.
18:42 I quit.
18:44 What about the cowboys? The cowboys!
18:49 It's okay, Dad.
18:51 We were crazy to try and compete with Wichita Falls.
18:55 Do this on my own.
19:11 Hello, Jerry Jones.
19:13 I'm Hank Hill, and I'll be your quarterback on a game-winning drive through Arlen, Texas,
19:20 the next training campsite of the Dallas Cowboys.
19:24 [footsteps]
19:27 [door creaks]
19:29 [footsteps]
19:32 [door creaks]
19:34 [footsteps]
19:37 [footsteps]
19:42 I'm standing here at the 50-yard line of Tut Rampy Field,
19:48 the future site of the Dallas Cowboys training camp.
19:54 You see, you're just a dot at this distance.
19:57 Yeah, so edit it bigger. That's why I'm here.
20:01 Hank, I'm the best UHF editor in Texas, but I can't work miracles.
20:07 You've got no master shot, you've crossed the action axis, the sound's horrible.
20:13 I guess that was all my responsibility as president.
20:18 [sighs]
20:20 All I wanted to do was get my son to love this town as much as I do.
20:27 Where did I go wrong, Tom? Where?
20:31 Dad's talking to the Tom Landry plate again.
20:36 Hello, Nancy. It's Peggy, and I would like to apologize to you, one Arlenite to another.
20:44 No, I was the one who said Arlenian. That's why this is an apology.
20:50 All right, let's just agree to disagree.
20:53 Now, I'm gonna need to borrow your home movies.
20:58 Dave, I hear you're the best television editor at all of Texas.
21:02 At UHF.
21:04 The reason I've called you all here is to show you a video,
21:07 which we will be sending to the Dallas Cowboys tomorrow morning.
21:11 It was made over the years by each and every one of us.
21:17 [music]
21:20 And that's after having two chickens. Boy, was I drunk.
21:30 Look how smooth my bottom was.
21:33 Bobby!
21:39 [laughter]
21:46 [sigh]
21:55 You know, I made that barbecue out of two old barbecues.
22:01 [sigh]
22:11 [laughter]
22:16 [music]
22:24 [applause]
22:25 We're gonna get the Cowboys. We're gonna get the Cowboys.
22:30 [music]
22:34 Hey, Dad.
22:35 Hello, Bobby.
22:37 Well, the Cowboys thanked us for the video,
22:40 but they have no plans to move to Arlen in the near future,
22:44 and they sent us a little rubber football.
22:48 So, uh, I guess this means you're gonna leave us when you grow up, huh?
22:53 Yeah, I'll probably leave. But it's not for a while, Dad.
22:58 I'm only 12. We've still got plenty of time together.
23:02 Yeah, and even after you move, Wichita Falls is only a six-hour drive.
23:08 I can't be a prop comic in Wichita Falls.
23:12 I'm moving to New York City, or Hollywood. Maybe Vegas.
23:17 [sigh]
23:19 Well, at least it's not Wichita Falls.
23:22 Well, I may keep a place there for tax purposes.
23:27 Hey, you wanna try the little football?
23:30 All right. Hike it to me and go out for a pass.
23:33 How 'bout you hike the ball and go out for the pass?
23:37 [music]
23:39 The crowd is going wild.
23:41 [groaning]
23:44 Roger Starback goes back to pass.
23:48 Roger's in trouble. He scrambles.
23:51 Roger the Dodger gets away. He throws into the end zone.
23:57 It's complete. My dad Hank Hill. Touchdown!
24:02 The Cowboys win the Super Bowl! The Cowboys win the Super Bowl!
24:07 The Cowboys win the Super Bowl!
24:12 [music]
24:19 [music]
24:22 Go! Go! Dallas Cowboys!
24:28 It's the go team of the senior pros.
24:32 Let the whole world hear our bugles blow.
24:35 Stand up!
24:39 Stand feet! Go UDallas Cowboys!
24:49 Go!
24:53 Sweet Jethro.