Today marks the first day of Spring, the USA now ranks 25th on the annual World Happiness Report, Trump signed an executive order to dismantle the Department of Education, the Department of Defense removed a page about Jackie Robinson’s distinguished military career in their war against woke, Trump squatted down for a two part chat with Laura Ingraham where they covered a wide range of subjects including his son Barron, Trump gave her a private tour of the White House that included the art in the Oval Office, paving over the Rose Garden, Trump’s newly-obtained copy of The Declaration of Independence, the MAGA gang is highly upset about Tesla being the target of protests, Vice President JD Vance took a break from humping his ottoman to complain about Jimmy, a town hall in Wyoming shows just how frustrated people are, and a new edition of This Week in Unnecessary Censorship.
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About Jimmy Kimmel Live:
Jimmy Kimmel serves as host and executive producer of Emmy® nominated “Jimmy Kimmel Live,” ABC’s late-night talk show. “Jimmy Kimmel Live” is well known for its viral video successes, with over 16 billion views and more than 19 million subscribers on the show’s YouTube channel. Some of Kimmel’s most popular comedy bits include Celebrities Read Mean Tweets, Lie Witness News, Halloween Candy YouTube Challenge, Jimmy and Cousin Sal pranking Aunt Chippy and music stars like Rihanna and Dua Lipa surprising Jimmy in the middle of the night.
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NewsTranscript
00:00I'm Jimmy, I am your host.
00:01Thank you for watching, thank you for coming,
00:04and for joining us on a special day.
00:08It's the first official day of spring today.
00:12We get four seasons here in LA, spring, summer, awards,
00:15and flu, and that's really it.
00:17Tonight also marks the official end
00:19of another important season, season two of Severance.
00:22The season finale just came out a few hours ago.
00:26And joining us all the way from Macro Data Refinement
00:29at Lumen headquarters, Mark S. himself, Adam Scott,
00:32is with us tonight.
00:33Adam Scott is here, as is Senator Adam Schiff.
00:38It was buy one, get one free at the Adam's store today.
00:42Adam Schiff might be the only person who dislikes
00:45Donald Trump more than Melania.
00:48According to the annual World Happiness Report,
00:50Americans are less happy than ever.
00:53The US now ranks 24th on the happiest list.
00:57They say it is our lowest ranking
00:59since they've been measuring.
01:00Yeah, no shit.
01:03Why are you even ranking us?
01:05Leave us alone.
01:06Are you happy?
01:07I'll kill you, that's how happy I am.
01:10Finland was the happiest.
01:12Finland was number one, followed by Denmark, Iceland, Sweden,
01:16and the Netherlands.
01:17This chart shows the level of American happiness.
01:19Look, it looks like the Tesla stock price there.
01:23But our president has a plan to change that all.
01:26They say ignorance is bliss.
01:28And today, Donald Trump signed an executive order
01:31to dismantle the Department of Education.
01:35I know it sounds like a joke, but it's not.
01:37Trump famously said he loves the poorly educated,
01:40and now we will have so many more people to love.
01:43Trump signed the order during an event at the White House.
01:46They invited a group of children to attend.
01:48They're like, hey, kids, who hates school?
01:50And they're like, well, we do.
01:51And they said, well, good news, it's over.
01:54The idea behind this is to let the states come up
01:57with their own educational standards.
01:59For instance, from here on, in order
02:01to receive a high school diploma in Florida,
02:04all you have to do is complete the maze
02:06on the back of the kids menu at Fuddruckers.
02:09The sheer tonnage of all the dumb and damaging
02:12stuff they're doing, it's hard to wrap your head around.
02:14Yesterday, the Department of Defense,
02:16as part of their war against woke,
02:18removed a page about Jackie Robinson's
02:21distinguished military career.
02:23They pulled it down.
02:24A spokesperson for the Pentagon said,
02:26we do not view or highlight them,
02:28not sure what he means by them, but through the prism
02:30of immutable characteristics, such as race,
02:33ethnicity, or sex.
02:35Right, Jackie Robinson was just a baseball player.
02:37There's nothing special about him.
02:39And Rosa Parks just loved to ride the bus.
02:42She was a commuter.
02:44The Pentagoons also took down stories
02:45about the Navajo code talkers and the Tuskegee Airmen.
02:49And then there was so much backlash,
02:51they had to put it all back up.
02:52Imagine how racist you have to be to be racist
02:55against Jackie Robinson today.
02:58I don't get it.
02:59How can something like this happen
03:00under the president who's done more for black people
03:02than Abraham Lincoln?
03:03It makes no sense.
03:05It's been an exciting week for Fox News.
03:07Trump squatted down for a two-part chat
03:09with Laura Ingraham.
03:11They covered a wide range of subjects,
03:13including his son, Barron.
03:15You talked the other day about how music
03:17was your aptitude as a child.
03:19But is Barron's aptitude, in your view,
03:21business or politics?
03:23Maybe technology.
03:24He can look at a computer.
03:26I'd try turning off his, turn it off.
03:29I'd turn off his laptop.
03:30I said, oh, good.
03:31And I go back five minutes later, he's got his laptop.
03:33I said, how'd you do that?
03:35None of your business, dad.
03:37No, he's got an unbelievable aptitude in technology.
03:40Oh, yeah.
03:42Sounds like we've got a budding Bill Gates on our hands.
03:46Either that, or he found one of daddy's naughty websites.
03:48I don't know.
03:49Trump's wild bewilderment about laptop power buttons
03:54must be very reassuring to those sharp investors who bought
03:57his crypto two months ago.
03:59Today happens to be Barron's birthday.
04:01He turned 19 years old today, which
04:03means Trump's affair with Stormy Daniels
04:05just turned 18 years old and eight months.
04:08Barron's got some, look it up.
04:13Barron's got some, he has some big shoes to fill.
04:16I mean, by the time his father was 19,
04:18he'd already bankrupted six companies.
04:20But his dad is very proud of his son
04:22and seems to believe he could take the family
04:24business to new heights.
04:26I had my very tall son get, today,
04:28graduated from high school.
04:30He's a tall student also, by the way.
04:32Pretty tall student.
04:33Barron is so tall and handsome now.
04:35A very young, tall person.
04:38He's a tall one.
04:39I have a son who's 6'9".
04:40He's a big boy, 6'9".
04:426'9".
04:43My 6'9'' son, says your dad.
04:45But he's 6'9".
04:46Yeah, I'd say 6'8".
04:48And when he stands up, he's on the tall side.
04:49He's tall. Very tall.
04:50He's tall.
04:51Very tall.
04:52He's very tall.
04:53Very tall.
04:54He's very tall.
04:55He's also tall.
04:56He's very tall.
04:57He's a tall student.
04:58Oh!
04:58Oh!
04:59Oh!
05:00OK.
05:01Happy birthday.
05:03He likes computers.
05:05And he's tall.
05:06That's pretty much all he knows about Barron.
05:08Back to this interview with Laura, though.
05:10It's fun to see two people together on TV
05:13with the same hairstyle.
05:14It really is.
05:15After their sit-down, Trump gave Laura a private tour
05:18of the White House.
05:19She got to see where they're paving over the Rose Garden.
05:22He got to see all the tacky new gold stuff in the Oval Office.
05:25And she saw Trump's newly obtained copy of the Declaration
05:28of Independence.
05:30And it's very cool.
05:33Oh my gosh.
05:35Isn't that great?
05:37Just wore it up yesterday.
05:39Wow.
05:41Wait, is that ketchup and mustard all over it?
05:45They really need to bring in more napkins for him.
05:47Trump also treated Laura to a sneak peek
05:49at his famous Diet Coke button.
05:51It's right here.
05:52Everyone thinks that's the nuclear.
05:54Everyone thinks that's the nuclear weapon.
05:56They think it's a nuclear weapon.
05:59They say, if I press this, it's the end of the world.
06:01And I think so.
06:06That's where Mike Pence went, too.
06:07He's down there.
06:09They're down there together.
06:10And then we have this drama involving
06:14Tesla, which Tesla is not having a good week.
06:17Today, they issued a recall of nearly all 46,000
06:20of their Cybertrucks.
06:22That's the eighth Cybertruck recall
06:24since they came out in November of 2023.
06:26It's 15 months, eight recalls.
06:28I mentioned last night, multiple Teslas
06:31were burned at a Tesla facility in Las Vegas.
06:33Authorities are now investigating
06:35which Teslas were set on fire and which
06:37set themselves on fire.
06:38And while no one should be setting anything on fire ever,
06:42people are mad at Elon Musk for randomly
06:45and gleefully putting thousands of Americans,
06:47including veterans, out of work.
06:49But the MAGA gang, which has been
06:51very against any kind of violent protest
06:54ever since January 7th, was it?
06:562021?
06:57Is that when they started being against it?
06:59They are highly upset.
07:01It's amazing.
07:02Elon Musk rescues two astronauts from space
07:05who've been there 286 days.
07:06And this is what he gets.
07:07This is what he gets for working for the government for free.
07:10Why Elon Musk?
07:11We should be loving him.
07:12Left-wing lunatics are continuing
07:14their rampage against Tesla.
07:16This is deadly dangerous stuff.
07:18Lunatics are loose.
07:19Yeah, left-wingers, violence, it's what they do.
07:21It's a movement labeled the Tesla
07:23takedown by some of the stupidest
07:25people in this country.
07:26Their hatred for Donald Trump fuels everything that they do.
07:30It may be it's time to go full-on
07:31Cal Rittenhouse-style security.
07:33If you try to hurt one of these cars,
07:34we're going to put you away.
07:35If you're going to touch a Tesla, go to a dealership,
07:38do anything, you better watch out
07:39because we're coming after you.
07:41Right, right.
07:41But if you try to taser a cop on the steps of the Capitol,
07:44we've got your back.
07:45Don't worry about that.
07:47Everyone needs to just crack open a Bud Light
07:49and relax already.
07:51Even the vice president took a break
07:53from humping his ottoman to complain about not just me,
07:56you.
07:57On Jimmy Kimmel's television program
07:59and on The Daily Show this week, you have audiences
08:02outright cheering, seeing the images of Teslas
08:06on fire across the country.
08:08And I saw that, and I thought, man, that really
08:10is a sign of how much the left has conditioned people to think
08:14that that's acceptable.
08:16Yeah, though I will say, in defense of the American people,
08:19Jimmy Kimmel's show is so unfunny and boring
08:22and left-wing that it's probably not a representative sample.
08:26If you go to a Jimmy Kimmel live viewing,
08:29you have to really be a humorless scorn.
08:33Did you hear what he just called you?
08:34He called you humorless scolds.
08:38What is wrong with you people?
08:40Are you trying to make JD's mascara run?
08:42Let's go.
08:43A humorless scold.
08:45Who talketh like that?
08:48Archbishop of Canterbury?
08:50Go on.
08:51There are these judges.
08:52Judge Bozeman comes to mind.
08:54Lots of judges who are trying to basically say
08:56the president can't exercise the powers of the presidency.
09:00You're an attorney.
09:01How do you assess the legal battles here?
09:04Yeah, I bet all those judges are huge fans of Jimmy Kimmel,
09:06by the way.
09:07I think, Vince, that, one, we have an appeals process.
09:13Good one, JD.
09:14You shoehorned that one in real good.
09:16Sometimes I wonder, in what world
09:18is the vice president of the United States
09:19calling into a giant tooth podcast
09:22host to bad mouth me and the people who watch this show?
09:25The people of this country are frustrated.
09:28Look at what's happening at these town halls.
09:30Maybe it's time to start paying attention
09:31to your constituents.
09:32Yesterday, there was a town hall in Laramie, Wyoming,
09:35a heavily Republican city.
09:37Almost 70% of the county voted for Trump there.
09:40But when Congresswoman Harriet Hageman showed up
09:42and started defending Doge, this is what she got.
09:45Doge is not dismantling Social Security.
09:51And even with reconciliation, we are not allowed
09:56to touch Social Security.
09:58The work that I have specifically been doing,
10:02I am on the Judiciary Committee and the Natural
10:05Resources Committee.
10:07It's so bizarre to me how obsessed
10:09you are with federal government.
10:11But here's the thing.
10:12Oh, thank you.
10:15Well, that's left-wing pinko communist woke-yoming for you.
10:20People are obsessed with having a functioning government.
10:22Who would have ever guessed?
10:23And also, are we entirely sure this Harriet Hageman
10:26isn't George Santos trying to scam us again?
10:32One more thing before we stumble forward is it's Thursday night.
10:36And that means it's time to bleep and blur
10:37the big TV moments of the week.
10:39Whether they need it or not, it's
10:40time for This Week in Unnecessary Censorship.
10:43Yeah!
10:47I spent 45 minutes on the phone with Elon.
10:49He was still in California.
10:51I was fucking my dog, Snowflake.
10:54This, we have to fuck the fucks.
10:56And I want to fuck Trump as much as anybody and fuck him.
11:00Back up, and Evan, I had just told you a few minutes ago
11:03the dog over the weekend kind of fucked my butt a little bit.
11:05A lot of people are hearing my voice.
11:06Feeling the impact.
11:07Yeah, I mean, it was so thick you
11:09could kind of chew it at times.
11:10I don't think there's a joint greater than fucking
11:13a patient in the ass.
11:14If you haven't had much luck fucking a leprechaun,
11:17you may want to head down to the Portland
11:18waterfront this weekend.
11:20So tell us why you're giving these two fuckblowers jobs.
11:23Tell me why it's important.
11:26Go out to a cattle ranch and learn how to fuck a cow.
11:32Yes, you have to be good at that.
11:33Last thing, I'm going to read you a couple viewer questions,
11:35and you can answer any you want or skip.
11:37Did I?
11:38Do you put ketchup on your dick?
11:40Yes, I do.
11:42Wow.
11:43Well, that explains the ketchup.
11:48Guillermo, do you know how many subscribers
11:50we have on YouTube now?
11:5120 million.
11:52That's right, yeah.
11:53That's why we're wearing these glasses.
11:55Thanks for being a subscriber.
11:56If you're not, help us get to 20 million and one.