Bert talks about his comedy special Lucky, the crazy outfit he wears, ripping his shirt off during his shows, becoming empty nesters, having sex in every room in the house, being best friends with his wife, and traveling with his family.
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About Jimmy Kimmel Live:
Jimmy Kimmel serves as host and executive producer of Emmy® nominated “Jimmy Kimmel Live,” ABC’s late-night talk show. “Jimmy Kimmel Live” is well known for its viral video successes, with over 16 billion views and more than 19 million subscribers on the show’s YouTube channel. Some of Kimmel’s most popular comedy bits include Celebrities Read Mean Tweets, Lie Witness News, Halloween Candy YouTube Challenge, Jimmy and Cousin Sal pranking Aunt Chippy and music stars like Rihanna and Dua Lipa surprising Jimmy in the middle of the night.
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NewsTranscript
00:00Our next guest is, what would happen if a 12-pack
00:03made a wish to become a real boy?
00:05He is a very funny comedian and podcaster
00:07with a new Netflix comedy special called Lucky.
00:10All right, show of hands.
00:11Did you know Julius Caesar was a real person?
00:16OK, I didn't know that one.
00:21We're in a big tour, and they're talking
00:23about Julius Caesar and Cleopatra,
00:24a bunch of fake names.
00:26And I hit my daughter, Georgia, and I go, yo,
00:28is he a real person?
00:29And she looks at me, this is a fucking tart.
00:32She goes, that's a great question for the group, Dad.
00:34I'm like, OK.
00:41Lucky is on Netflix now.
00:43Say hello to Bert Kreischer.
00:45Wow.
00:51Wow.
00:52Wow.
00:53Wow.
00:54Wow.
00:55Wow.
00:56Wow.
00:57Wow.
00:58Wow.
00:59Wow.
01:00Wow.
01:01Wow.
01:02Wow.
01:03Wow.
01:04Did you just come from the Met Gala?
01:08Look at you, all clothed.
01:10Dude, this is the look.
01:11Yeah, is it the look now?
01:12It is, it is.
01:13I will tell you, when this was made,
01:15it was a little loose on me.
01:17And it's a little tight today.
01:19I said to my wife, she goes, you might
01:21want to practice sitting down in the green room.
01:22I said, I'm going to sit once.
01:24And if I lose it, I lose it.
01:26Are you not online?
01:26Are you not seeing what the cool boys are wearing?
01:29I didn't know the cool boys were wearing that, yeah.
01:31Each Italian print, you get a monochromatic Italian print.
01:35You and your boys go out for a party weekend.
01:38Take one suit, oh, you look dope.
01:40Is that from Italy?
01:43No, Jennifer Mae Nichols made this.
01:45I got to give her a shout out.
01:46Those were too expensive.
01:47These, that's what I thought, these were not cheap.
01:51They wasn't, no.
01:52How much did that cost?
01:53Do you have any idea?
01:54I think $15,000.
01:56$15,000?
01:58Yeah, but hold on.
02:00I had to make three.
02:01OK, so five each?
02:02In case one tore.
02:04And so I kept making them.
02:06And you're going to never believe this.
02:08Guess who's the exact same size as I am?
02:11Who?
02:13What?
02:15Oh!
02:15Oh!
02:16Oh!
02:17Oh!
02:18Oh!
02:19Oh!
02:19Oh!
02:20Oh!
02:21Oh!
02:22Oh!
02:23Oh!
02:24Oh!
02:25Oh!
02:26Oh!
02:26Oh!
02:27Oh!
02:28Oh!
02:29Oh!
02:30Oh!
02:32We look like we should work at a resort, you know?
02:34I got to tell you.
02:35Welcome to Fantasy Island.
02:38Daddy, daddy, my daddy!
02:41We are getting drunk in these tonight and rocking Hollywood.
02:44Let's try it.
02:44Yeah, totally, yeah.
02:46You look great.
02:46I like that.
02:47You look great.
02:48I got to tell you.
02:49Look, we got the Jesus piece and everything.
02:51We got the watch.
02:52Oh my god, you got the same shoes.
02:53These shoes aren't cheap.
02:54Even the shoes are the same.
02:56Wow.
02:57The shoes.
02:58This is incredible.
02:59You travel with your own stunt double.
03:01Yeah.
03:04I feel very left out right now, I'm going to tell you.
03:07I have a third suit.
03:09Why didn't you tell me now?
03:10Who wants to go to Vegas this weekend?
03:13Do you think I was thinking about you?
03:15And you know, your trademark, if you will,
03:17is taking off your shirt during your shows.
03:20Do you think that you'll ever be able to do
03:23your show without taking your, like when you're 80
03:27and performing at the Orleans in Vegas like Rickles did,
03:30will you be stripping off your shirt
03:33and throw it into the air and landing on your microphone?
03:35Will you be doing that?
03:37I love that you think I'm living to 80.
03:41I'm Jimmy.
03:42I was just talking.
03:43I'm an optimist.
03:44I'm an optimist.
03:48I think it's going to be an interesting moment.
03:52It's like, you ever want to see your dad naked?
03:55Yes.
03:56And you're like, oh.
03:58Yeah, I'm going to take it off for the rest of my life.
04:00I'm kind of, I'm painting myself in this corner.
04:02But here's the other problem is I'm tactile.
04:04I'm more comfortable with no shirt, no underwear.
04:08Like, I shouldn't have said the underwear thing.
04:11But I'm more comfortable with no shirt.
04:13And as long as you're comfortable.
04:15When we were partying last year when we launched our vodka
04:17and you were out there, I was at the bar.
04:19You came to see me in Vegas, yeah.
04:21I was at the bar shirtless.
04:22Yeah, I noticed that.
04:24I love it.
04:25We did the Tom Brady roast.
04:26We were in the post party.
04:28Everyone, I was shirtless.
04:29I love being shirtless.
04:31Well, then you should be shirtless.
04:33I love, someone tell that to the people at Buffalo Wild Wings.
04:37I've been kicked out of three Buffalo Wild Wings
04:39just in Utah.
04:40And the first time was their fault.
04:43The second time was our fault. The last time was my fault.
04:48I was like, there's no way they'll
04:49kick me out a third time.
04:50Does your wife like it when you, and your daughters.
04:52How old are your daughters now?
04:53I don't know.
04:56I really don't.
04:58They're 19 and, no, 20 and 18.
05:00They're off in college.
05:01Oh, yeah, they're gone.
05:02We were empty nesters.
05:03Oh, you are?
05:04How's that going?
05:05Do you like that?
05:05It's a lot.
05:07Yeah, is it sad?
05:08No, no, it's OK.
05:09It is sad.
05:10It is sad.
05:11But it's like, it's crazy to spend
05:13that much time with a human.
05:15You mean your wife?
05:16Yeah, like, we've been with, we've
05:20been distracted by these rodeo clowns.
05:22And then it was just us.
05:24And she woke up one morning, and I saw her smiling.
05:28And then she looked at me, and she goes, you again.
05:32And then, and then we had sex in the garage.
05:34What?
05:35Yeah, we had sex in the garage.
05:36We had sex in the garage, and we didn't, like,
05:38So back when you have kids, you've
05:39got to, like, bang them out quick.
05:40You're like, girls are in the bath, in the closet.
05:42Let's go.
05:42And that's a man right there.
05:45And so, but then we were, she was in the garage.
05:48She was no bra.
05:50I'm like, OK.
05:51Short, short little, like, workout shorts.
05:54And I was like, yo.
05:55And I kind of hit on her, and she didn't have an excuse.
05:58She was like, oh, that's right.
05:59No one can walk in on us.
06:00Oh, yeah.
06:01And she's on testosterone.
06:02She's a little, so, and so we had sex in the garage.
06:05And then I was like, yo, this is our house.
06:08Let's claim this house.
06:09Let's have sex in every room.
06:11Because when you have kids, you can't do that.
06:13Yeah, right.
06:13And I'll tell you, having sex in your daughter's bedroom,
06:20it's only awkward the first time.
06:24My daughters were livid, livid.
06:29I was like, nah.
06:30So does your wife now go on the road with you?
06:32Do you guys travel together?
06:34Yeah.
06:35You do?
06:35We do everything together.
06:36You do?
06:37That's nice.
06:38That's the whole marriage thing, I guess.
06:39It's like, yeah, I guess she's my best friend.
06:42Well, no, I didn't realize she was my best friend
06:44until the girls left.
06:45And I was like, oh, wow.
06:46Like, I went, I took her to UFC.
06:48You did?
06:49Yeah, Dana invited us to Power Slap.
06:50And I was like, oh, OK.
06:52And everyone brings their bros, and I got my wife.
06:56I mean, even Mel Gibson brought a dude.
06:59And I'm like, I'm just there with my wife.
07:01And I'm like, hey, baby.
07:03We do everything together.
07:04We travel.
07:05We've been to France.
07:06We've been to Spain.
07:07We've been to Vegas.
07:08We were in Palm Springs last week.
07:10We're going to Vegas this week to do shows.
07:13And then she's like, maybe I'll go on the road road with you.
07:15And I'm like, uh.
07:17I'm trying to imagine you in France.
07:19And I'm trying to imagine the French with you in France.
07:22OK, first of all, I'm stupid, OK?
07:24You heard that with Julius Caesar.
07:26That's real. That's real.
07:27That's very real.
07:28OK.
07:29At his grave, they say his name.
07:30I say to Georgia, yo, that's a real person?
07:32And she's like, are you being serious?
07:35So he's real.
07:35Cleopatra, real.
07:36Yeah, yeah, yeah.
07:37We know.
07:38I didn't, OK.
07:39OK, OK.
07:40Let's play real for real.
07:41OK.
07:41You know Julius Caesar is ground zero,
07:44patient zero for the C-section?
07:46No, that I did not know.
07:48I don't, I'm not sure about that.
07:50But I don't know if they have science yet.
07:52I don't think his mom survived.
07:54I'm like, quick, get some lambs wool.
07:56Yeah, no, I don't know about that.
07:58We, I mean, I was so, my daughters
08:00realized how stupid I was.
08:02When was that?
08:03In Italy.
08:04Oh.
08:05We look at the David.
08:07And his name, did you know his name is not Michelangelo?
08:12Well, yeah, it is.
08:13No, it's Michelangelo Moore, like pizzeria,
08:16connery, or whatever, you know.
08:18I thought it was just Michael Angelo.
08:19Oh, you thought it was like.
08:21You're like, yo, Ms. Angelo, send Mikey and Donny down.
08:25Send Snooki Angelo down, Ms. Angelo.
08:28Did you really think that?
08:29Yeah, and so they found out I was stupid.
08:31Georgia Island in the car is like, this
08:32is when they named me Baby Walrus.
08:34She was like, Baby Walrus, what do
08:36you think the timeline of history looks like?
08:38And I said, for real?
08:40She goes, yeah.
08:40I go, dinosaurs, then Jesus.
08:45And she was like, what about Mesopotamia?
08:50I go, I don't know that dude.
08:53But when you travel with my wife,
08:54because my wife's redneck, like real, real, real redneck.
08:58Like, didn't wear shoes until third grade, redneck.
09:01Oh, really?
09:03And she just sees life like this.
09:05And when you walk anywhere in France with her,
09:07end of the note to time, she walks in, she goes,
09:09well, oh my god, what's this?
09:12Why is this so big?
09:13Who's that guy there?
09:15Why is she crying?
09:16And I'm like, hey, babe, I didn't come earlier
09:18and research this place to be your tour guide.
09:21I don't know either.
09:22I just found out dinosaurs.
09:24Did you know that George Washington never
09:27knew about dinosaurs?
09:29They only showed up, and they thought they were dragons.
09:33The Chinese told us they were dragons, and we believed them.
09:37Now I sound a little bit like Donald Trump.
09:40But that's true.
09:40That's true.
09:42Well, it's great to see you.
09:44And thank you, you know what, for representing
09:45America around the world.
09:47I think you're sending a, I love that.
09:49You are our ambassador.
09:52I definitely am my best.
09:53I am the perfect American.
09:55Watch Bert Kreischer, Lucky, on Netflix right now.
09:59Bert Kreischer, everybody.
10:00We'll be right back with Red Cross.