Donald Trump was walking around the White House grounds with Elon Musk’s son X, it was a terrible weekend of storms across several states and Trump bragged about winning his golf tournament during the disaster, he is planning to release the files related to the JFK assassination, he is claiming (without any proof) that Biden never actually signed his pardons making them void, we celebrate St. Patrick’s Day by playing the greatest local news story of all time, Jimmy’s son Billy let him know what he expects on St. Patrick’s Day, and we head out to the Farmer’s Market to ask kids about leprechauns!
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Jimmy Kimmel serves as host and executive producer of Emmy® nominated “Jimmy Kimmel Live,” ABC’s late-night talk show. “Jimmy Kimmel Live” is well known for its viral video successes, with over 16 billion views and more than 19 million subscribers on the show’s YouTube channel. Some of Kimmel’s most popular comedy bits include Celebrities Read Mean Tweets, Lie Witness News, Halloween Candy YouTube Challenge, Jimmy and Cousin Sal pranking Aunt Chippy and music stars like Rihanna and Dua Lipa surprising Jimmy in the middle of the night.
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About Jimmy Kimmel Live:
Jimmy Kimmel serves as host and executive producer of Emmy® nominated “Jimmy Kimmel Live,” ABC’s late-night talk show. “Jimmy Kimmel Live” is well known for its viral video successes, with over 16 billion views and more than 19 million subscribers on the show’s YouTube channel. Some of Kimmel’s most popular comedy bits include Celebrities Read Mean Tweets, Lie Witness News, Halloween Candy YouTube Challenge, Jimmy and Cousin Sal pranking Aunt Chippy and music stars like Rihanna and Dua Lipa surprising Jimmy in the middle of the night.
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FunTranscript
00:00Today, I have the host of the show.
00:02Thanks for watching.
00:03Thanks for joining us on, um, I see a lot of green shirts.
00:09It is, today is one of, if not the biggest
00:13drinking day of the year.
00:15Happy St. Patrick's Day.
00:16It is, uh, once again, it is cabbage's night
00:19to shine tonight.
00:20How many of you are drunk, um, right now, as we?
00:22Um, um, great.
00:26Interesting fact, St. Patrick's Day
00:28was originally celebrated with the color blue,
00:31but they changed it to green, because that
00:33is the color you get when you mix blue with vomit.
00:35And in New York, they've been doing,
00:38they've been holding the annual St. Patty's Day
00:40parade in New York since 1762, before this was a country.
00:44The parade in Boston started 25 years before that, in 1737.
00:49Back, Grand Marshal Mitch McConnell
00:51was just a teenage boy for the first St. Patrick's Day
00:55parade.
00:56The parade in Boston, they had it yesterday.
00:58There were no major incidents, though there
01:00were confiscations of a new batch cocktail
01:03that I, for one, had not heard of before.
01:05Boston police cracked down on underage and public drinking
01:07at today's parade, as well.
01:09These are gallon water jugs seized by police,
01:13mixed in with some beer cans and other bottles.
01:15Each jug is what's known as a Borg, which stands
01:18for Blackout Rage Gallon.
01:20First of all, it's pronounced Borg, you fucking loser.
01:26What are you, from Indiana?
01:27MBTA police say it's a small sample of what they seized.
01:32That's the mayor of Boston.
01:33Can you believe it?
01:36I have to say, I like the Borg.
01:40Blackout Rage Gallons.
01:42They should sell those at Dunkin'.
01:44You know what?
01:45The way things have been going lately,
01:46it's nice to have an excuse to drink on a Monday.
01:49In Washington, it was take your billionaire friend's kid
01:52to work day.
01:52Donald Trump was walking around the White House grounds
01:55with Elon Musk's son, X. Why, I don't know.
01:58Maybe Elon's nanny got doged.
02:00But there he was, four years old,
02:02running right beside the President of the United States.
02:06Little X, your father's a nutcase.
02:08I know.
02:11He jumps like a weirdo.
02:12I can jump, too.
02:13Want to see?
02:14Jump, jump, jump, jump, jump, jump, jump, jump, jump.
02:18That could be a movie.
02:19I would see that, right?
02:20Fat Man and Little Boy 2.
02:24This was a terrible weekend of deadly storms.
02:2642 Americans were killed in tornadoes and wildfires
02:30in several states.
02:31And while the devastation was happening,
02:33our Commander-in-Chief meteorologist
02:35was back at Mar-a-Lago, again playing golf.
02:38As the storms raged, he offered these words of comfort
02:41to those who lost their families and their homes.
02:44He wrote, I just won the golf club championship,
02:46probably my last, at Trump International Golf Club
02:49in Palm Beach County, Florida.
02:51Such a great honor.
02:52The awards dinner is tonight at the club.
02:54I want to thank the wonderful golf staff and all
02:56of the many fantastic golfers that
02:58participated in the event.
02:59Such fun.
03:00Such fun, indeed.
03:02This, of course, comes after Trump chided Joe Biden
03:05last year for being on vacation during Hurricane Helene.
03:09If you scored hypocrisy like golf,
03:11he'd be 30 strokes under par right now.
03:14Can you imagine if Biden bragged about winning a golf
03:17tournament during a disaster?
03:18Sean Hannity would have a rage boner for weeks.
03:22But I don't want to, you know what?
03:24I don't want to lose focus on the fact
03:26that Trump won his own tournament again.
03:28Wow, this is the third year in a row
03:30he's won his own tournament.
03:32Who are the other players in this tournament?
03:35I mean, seriously, are there other golfers,
03:37or is it just Eric with his Fisher-Price clubs coming?
03:41It's, you know, it's preposterous.
03:48Remember how much we laughed when North Korean state media
03:50reported that Kim Jong-il had 11 holes in one
03:54the first time he ever played golf?
03:56We're getting pretty close to that.
04:01His most exalted president, Donald J. Trump,
04:05has announced to us, his American children,
04:08that yet again he has emerged victorious
04:12in the tournament of golf, which bears his sacred name.
04:17Thousands have taken to the streets
04:19to celebrate our strong and omnipotent leader's
04:23historic triumph.
04:25Boundless esteem to our glorious president
04:28and his mighty penis, in which comparison all others pale.
04:36Congratulations to Liger Woods on winning
04:39his own golf tournament.
04:40I want to see a full 580-page investigation of this tournament.
04:44I want to know everything.
04:45I want scorecards, I want video, I want affidavits
04:49from the caddies.
04:50I want a forensic investigation of every divot
04:52he didn't bother to replace.
04:54How is it possible that this guy beats
04:57every other golfer every year?
05:03Oh, shit.
05:05Oh my god, I got that on video.
05:08Great shot, Mr. President.
05:10Another hole in one.
05:12And then, and only then, he turned his attention
05:15to the storms.
05:16Two and a half hours after his golf brag,
05:18he posted, we are actively monitoring
05:20the severe tornadoes and storms that
05:22have impacted many states across the South and Midwest.
05:25Please join Melania and me in praying for everyone impacted
05:29by these terrible storms.
05:31Where were you and Melania praying,
05:32at the golf awards dinner?
05:35Praying together.
05:36Praying together might be the only activity those two do
05:39less than sleeping together.
05:41And in other sports news, the field
05:46is set for the NCAA college basketball tournament.
05:48Did you fill out the brackets?
05:50Yes, I did, Jimmy. Yes, I did.
05:51We didn't get them last year.
05:52This year, we got them again.
05:53Yeah, I did.
05:54I have Duke in the final.
05:55And this guy Joe, who's running the brackets this year,
05:58is really, he seems angry already.
06:00All the time, he's angry all the time.
06:03Under new Musk administration rules,
06:05I don't know if you heard this, all college teams
06:07that lose in the first round will
06:08be deported to Venezuela.
06:12Everything is so bad right now, I hear Final Four,
06:14and I think, days to live?
06:17Donald Trump doesn't fill out a bracket.
06:19He doesn't have time for frivolous activities
06:21like that.
06:21But he did have basketball in the brain
06:23when he stopped by the Justice Department
06:25to regale the employees he plans to fire and or imprison
06:29with words of affection for the late coach of the Indiana
06:32Hoosiers, his old pal Bobby Knight.
06:34They play the ref.
06:35You know what playing the ref is?
06:37The great Bobby Knight basketball coach,
06:39he'd scream and scream at the ref.
06:41He'd scream.
06:42He had been known for throwing the chair across the court
06:45and slapping a player.
06:46Coach, coach, don't do that.
06:48Don't do it.
06:48That's when he threw the chair.
06:50He starts going crazy.
06:51I don't care.
06:52Do you know Bobby Knight?
06:53Bobby Knight?
06:53Bobby Knight.
06:54Bobby Knight.
06:54By the way, I love Bobby Knight.
06:55He'd scream at the ref.
06:57He would play the ref.
06:58He would play the ref.
06:58Playing the ref.
06:59Playing the ref.
07:00Bobby Knight would play the ref.
07:01That's why I brought up the Bobby Knight story.
07:04Oh.
07:05I thought it was dementia.
07:10Somebody had too many Borgs that day.
07:14Tomorrow, Trump's planning to release
07:15the files related to the assassination of JFK.
07:18Why do I feel like we're going to find out
07:20Jeffrey Epstein killed JFK?
07:23It's so weird.
07:24Releasing the classified JFK finals,
07:26which we've been waiting for for so many.
07:28It feels like just a normal Tuesday thing now.
07:31So many insane things happen now.
07:33This is what he posted at 1235 AM.
07:36He gets up in the middle of the night,
07:37writes, the pardons that sleepy Joe Biden gave
07:39to the unselect committee of political thugs
07:42and many others are hereby declared void,
07:45vacant, and of no further force or effect
07:48because of the fact that they were done by AutoPen.
07:51In other words, Joe Biden did not sign them.
07:53But more importantly, he did not know anything about them.
07:56Now, AutoPen is this device every modern White House
07:59uses, including Trump's, for presidential documents.
08:03It's a robot pen that has your signature.
08:05Trump's claiming, without any proof, of course,
08:07that Biden never actually signed those pardons
08:10and didn't know they were.
08:12In Trump's opinion, you know, a presidential signature
08:15is not official unless it is written in black Sharpie
08:19on a woman's chest and or wrist.
08:23That's, this is good.
08:25This happened on the tarmac as he was exiting his helicopter
08:28and getting on his plane Friday.
08:29Keep a close eye on the fuzzy microphone here.
08:32Mr. President, you, obviously, you're concerned,
08:38you're concerned about the situation in Gaza.
08:40What are the hopes now to get the hostage case back?
08:45She just became a big story tonight.
08:47Right? Yes, sir.
08:48Did you see that?
08:53How funny would it be if that happened
08:54every time he gets interviewed from here on out?
08:58I mean, you know, we have a beloved St. Patrick's Day
09:03tradition here at this show.
09:05We revisit what many around the world
09:07have determined to be the greatest
09:09local news story of all time.
09:10This happened back in 2006 in Mobile, Alabama,
09:14where NBC 15 was on the scene for a leprechaun sighting.
09:18Curiosity leads to large crowds in Mobile's Crichton community.
09:22Many of you bring binoculars, camcorders, even camera phones
09:26to take pictures.
09:27To me, it looked like a leprechaun to me.
09:29I got to do a little bit of tree.
09:31Who else seen a leprechaun say, yeah?
09:32Yeah!
09:40Yes, indeed.
09:42Eyewitnesses say the leprechaun only comes out at night.
09:45If you shine a light in its direction,
09:47it suddenly disappears.
09:49This amateur sketch resembles what many of you
09:52say the leprechaun looks like.
09:54Now, you'd think that would be enough to catch it, right?
09:58Maybe the leprechaun drew it to throw them off the trail.
10:00Either way, it might be my all-time favorite piece
10:02of art.
10:03In fact, I had it made into a lapel pin.
10:10We're not finished yet.
10:11There's one more.
10:13Others find it hard to believe and have
10:15come up with their own theories and explanations for the image.
10:24I'm a tree and play a leprechaun.
10:27That woman is now our Secretary of Agriculture.
10:32Thank you, Mobile, for that gift.
10:33It gives every year.
10:36Last year, my son, Billy, who's now seven years old
10:39and loves holidays, he loves to dress up for holidays,
10:41let us know that he expected two things when he woke up
10:44on St. Patrick's Day.
10:45One, he expected to see green water in the toilet bowl,
10:48because that apparently is the color leprechauns pee.
10:51And he wanted the gold coins filled with chocolate.
10:54So last year, I spent two hours in the middle of night
10:57driving from Ralphs to Walgreens to CVS
10:59looking to find chocolate coins.
11:01This year, my cousin Mickey, thank God, two weeks ago
11:04gave me a bag of coins, knowing I would forget to get them.
11:08And of course, I went to bed last night and forgot them.
11:12But then at 4 AM, Billy comes into our room crying.
11:14He had a nightmare.
11:15He dreamed that he got a cute baby chick as a pet.
11:20And then his mother and his sister Jane
11:22killed it in front of him.
11:25I was like, but I didn't do it, right?
11:27I was mom and Jane.
11:30Anyway, we calmed him down, and I remembered the coins.
11:32So I go downstairs in my underwear,
11:34and I put chocolate coins, like, in places
11:37where he could find them, but the dog can't get them.
11:40And I put green food coloring in the toilet.
11:43And you know what my reward was?
11:44When he woke up, he pinched me, because I wasn't wearing green.
11:49You do anything like that for the kids this morning,
11:52for your son this morning?
11:53No, Jimmy, that's white people stuff.
11:54Oh, really?
11:55I didn't know that.
11:56No.
11:57Sorry.
11:58I didn't know that.
11:59No.
12:00I didn't know that.
12:04When I was a kid, I would confuse the words
12:07leprechaun and leper colony.
12:08So it was always kind of a scary holiday.
12:11But it got me thinking, what do children think leprechauns are?
12:15They're not an elf.
12:16We sent a team out to the farmer's market
12:18on Third Street to find some kids
12:19and ask them today about the mystical creature
12:22known as the leprechaun.
12:26What's a leprechaun?
12:29It's a little small people.
12:32It's a green thing that walks around
12:34on high heels in Ireland.
12:36He knows where you live.
12:37If you don't wear green, he will pinch you,
12:41because it's disrespect to him.
12:46Do you see anybody here who looks like a leprechaun?
12:48You know, kids are kind of like leprechaun,
12:51because they're small.
12:53Are you a leprechaun?
12:55Nope.
12:55You have to tell me if you are.
12:57No, I'm not.
12:58What's a leprechaun sound like?
12:59I'm a leprechaun.
13:00You're never going to catch my ghost.
13:02So they're like a little annoying.
13:04Yeah.
13:06What country do leprechauns come from?
13:08I don't know.
13:09You got to guess.
13:09Name a country, any country.
13:12Virginia?
13:14Makes sense.
13:16Germany?
13:17I think it's Jewish.
13:20Correct.
13:21What do leprechauns spend the gold on?
13:23Like on groceries and cars and stuff like that.
13:27What kind of a car does a leprechaun drive?
13:30A Nissan.
13:32What do leprechauns drink?
13:36Soda.
13:37OK.
13:38What kind of soda do leprechauns drink?
13:40OK.
13:41What kind of soda?
13:42Patrick's soda.
13:43Patrick's soda?
13:44What does Patrick's soda taste like?
13:47I think it would make you very crazy,
13:51and you would be like bouncing off walls.
13:54Are you sure you're not a leprechaun?
13:56You know a lot about Patrick's soda for someone
13:58who's not a leprechaun.
13:59I'm not a leprechaun.
14:01Have you ever seen this guy before?
14:05He's a good guy and right.
14:06Oh.
14:09That's a leprechaun.
14:11Oh.
14:11Oh.
14:12Oh.
14:13Oh.
14:14Oh.