All eyes were on Washington today for the long anticipated release of the JFK assassination files, Trump spent much of the day yesterday at the Kennedy Center in his new and hilarious capacity of Chairman of the Board, Kanye West dropped a new song over the weekend featuring his daughter North and Diddy, the astronauts who have been stuck at the International Space Station since June finally got back to Earth today, Trump of course took credit for the rescue mission, Tesla stock is way down, Elon Musk went on Ted Cruz’s podcast where he was asked about the dangers of A.I., Trump spoke to Putin on the phone about the war in Ukraine and Putin agreed to nothing, a group of Republican lawmakers are cooking up some historically bad legislation that would classify Trump Derangement Syndrome as a mental illness, and it’s astonishing to see ridiculous Republicans fawning over Trump so we announce the winner of this week’s award for The Golden Groveler.
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About Jimmy Kimmel Live:
Jimmy Kimmel serves as host and executive producer of Emmy® nominated “Jimmy Kimmel Live,” ABC’s late-night talk show. “Jimmy Kimmel Live” is well known for its viral video successes, with over 16 billion views and more than 19 million subscribers on the show’s YouTube channel. Some of Kimmel’s most popular comedy bits include Celebrities Read Mean Tweets, Lie Witness News, Halloween Candy YouTube Challenge, Jimmy and Cousin Sal pranking Aunt Chippy and music stars like Rihanna and Dua Lipa surprising Jimmy in the middle of the night.
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NewsTranscript
00:00I'm Jimmy Adler.
00:02Thanks for joining us.
00:03Thanks for coming to Hollywood, California on a really
00:11an interesting day.
00:12Today is a day on which all eyes were on Washington,
00:16even more so than usual, for the long-anticipated release
00:19of the JFK assassination files.
00:22After 60 years of books and movies
00:25and deep investigations, today was like Christmas morning
00:29for a conspiracy theorist.
00:31Unfortunately, Santa took forever
00:33to come down the chimney.
00:34All day we waited.
00:36Poor Oliver Stone had to endure a 12-hour erection today.
00:40I guess they were trying to build anticipation
00:43or distract us from the 200 horrible things they did today.
00:47Or maybe they had to let the documents dry
00:49after fishing them out of Trump's toilet.
00:51I don't know.
00:52What I do know is they just finally came out at like 7.30.
00:56There are 80,000 pages of files.
00:59Just to put that in perspective, that's
01:01almost 20 times longer than the entire Harry Potter book series.
01:05In other words, it's going to take me forever
01:07to read this to my kids tonight.
01:09And to make it all even weirder, Trump
01:11spent a lot of the day yesterday at the Kennedy Center
01:14in his new and ridiculous capacity
01:16as their chairman of the board.
01:17The Kennedy Center, if you don't know, is a venue.
01:19It's a performing arts center.
01:21They have shows.
01:22They give out awards.
01:23They give out honors.
01:24They have concerts, et cetera.
01:25And the president of the United States
01:27is in charge of appointing the board of the Kennedy Center.
01:30So last month, Trump kicked most everyone off the board
01:33and replaced them with a crew of his cronies.
01:36And then he had the cronies elect him
01:39CEO of the Kennedy Center.
01:41And now he's focused on the important work
01:44of making sure liberals don't ever set foot in the place.
01:47Fatty LuPone had a photo shoot at the opera house
01:49today where he struck a pose as if he'd got the lead in Evita.
01:55So you want a little picture like this?
01:57Perfect.
01:58Go ahead. Are you guys ready?
01:59Come on.
02:00We're good, sir.
02:01Sir, do you want to speak to us later, too, when we're closer?
02:03That would be great.
02:04Perfect.
02:05Thank you, press right this way.
02:07Why would anyone want a picture like this?
02:09I mean, it's like he's just about to start the YMCA dance.
02:13And then the last time I saw him pose like that was in front
02:17of 600 cheeseburgers.
02:20But the Burger King bragged about all the great shows
02:22he's going to bring in.
02:23He's promising big Broadway hits like Phantom of the Opera,
02:26but not Hamilton.
02:27Hamilton was supposed to run at the Kennedy Center,
02:30but they backed out in protest, which turns out
02:33is just fine with Donald Trump.
02:35I was never a big fan of it.
02:36I never liked Hamilton very much.
02:39And I never liked it.
02:41He never liked it, and he never liked it.
02:45Come on, brain.
02:46Let's squeeze out another thought.
02:50All right.
02:51We'll just stick with I never liked it.
02:53And also never saw it, by the way.
02:56In 2016, he said he heard it was overrated.
02:58And unless he went in disguise after that,
03:01he definitely hasn't seen it.
03:02You know, I'm starting to think he might
03:04be a little bit of a liar.
03:05Somebody made a tape of this board meeting he had today
03:10and released it to the press.
03:11At one point, Trump talked about the first time
03:14he saw cats on Broadway and told the group
03:17which members of the cast he found attractive.
03:19This is what he did today.
03:20And man, would I like to hear that tape.
03:23Mr. Mistoffelees.
03:24We like Mr. Mistoffelees.
03:26Skimble Shanks.
03:27That was the sexiest.
03:29Skimble was so hot.
03:30The railway cats.
03:32Of course, Trump, of course he loves cats.
03:35It's the one musical where the pussies grab you.
03:38He also floated the idea.
03:41And this is something I'm excited about.
03:45Trump told them that he thinks he might host
03:48the Kennedy Center Honor Show himself this year.
03:51He said he should do it because he's the king of ratings.
03:54That would be so great.
03:55Him hosting an award show, me at home tweeting insults
03:59while he does it.
04:00I mean, let's do this.
04:03Let's seriously.
04:06Let's squeeze that load into a tuxedo,
04:09push him out on stage, and let him do a 40-minute monologue
04:12about windmills and sharks.
04:15The president wants to host an award show
04:18while he is president, and it's going to be big.
04:21There are a lot of people out there that can get the honors,
04:24and we're going to do it.
04:25I think we'll have a very big show.
04:27It's going to be a very big show.
04:28We have some surprises on that show, some big surprises.
04:30Big surprise.
04:31Lauren Boebert's going to go around to all the seats
04:33to make sure everyone has fun.
04:37Big surprises.
04:38What's the surprise?
04:39They're honoring the construction worker
04:41from the village people?
04:42Goodbye, Hamilton, and hello, Donnie,
04:45because the Kennedy Center is finally great again.
04:49Next up, the Holocaust Museum.
04:51Very one-sided right now, but he'll fix that.
04:54Speaking of that, future Kennedy Center honoree Kanye West
04:58dropped a new song over the weekend
05:00featuring his daughter North and Diddy.
05:06Kanye put his 11-year-old daughter on a song with Diddy.
05:10Well, if there's one guy you want working with your kid,
05:12it's Uncle Baby Oil, for sure.
05:15Ye also announced a new album.
05:17This is the cover of the new album.
05:20That's not a joke.
05:21That's his cover, and this is his new logo, SS,
05:25which I'm sure that stands for something nice like sunshine.
05:28But that's Kanye.
05:29When everyone else zigs, he zig-hiles.
05:33There's actually a clip of a song.
05:35This is a piece of the song.
05:36This is a recording of a conversation Kanye had with Diddy
05:40over the phone from prison.
05:42I just want to thank you so much for just taking care of my kid, man.
05:46And ain't nobody reach out to him.
05:48Ain't nobody call him.
05:50You know what I'm saying?
05:51Nobody, man.
05:52That meant so much, you know what I'm saying,
05:55that you reached out to him and took the money
05:57and went and bought him in his home, man.
05:59And I appreciate you spurred up, man.
06:01Yeah, absolutely.
06:02I love you so much, man.
06:03It's like you raised me even when I didn't know you.
06:07You know what I'm saying?
06:09No, no.
06:10No, we don't.
06:11None of us have any idea of what you're saying.
06:14He's raised you even though you didn't know?
06:16I don't know.
06:18Maybe we could send Kanye and Diddy into space.
06:22You know, those astronauts have been stuck
06:24on the International Space Station since June.
06:27They finally got back to Earth today.
06:29Sonny Williams and Butch Wilmore
06:32were only supposed to be on the space station for a week.
06:38That turned into more than nine months.
06:40Wait until they find out what's been going on down here.
06:43They might go back up.
06:45Trump, of course, took credit for the rescue mission.
06:48He says Joe Biden abandoned them,
06:49even though the rescue was planned
06:51by the Biden administration in August.
06:53Is there anything else from last summer
06:55he'd like to take credit for?
06:56Those gold medals Simone Biles won?
06:58She couldn't have done that without him.
07:00Still, it is nice to see Trump bring something down
07:02other than the stock market for a change.
07:05Our co-president, Elon Musk, sent a SpaceX vehicle
07:09to bring the astronauts back.
07:11And when they landed, he fired them immediately upon landing.
07:14Tesla stock is way down, almost disastrously so.
07:18People have been vandalizing Tesla vehicles,
07:25new Tesla vehicles.
07:26Please don't vandalize.
07:28Don't ever vandalize Tesla vehicles.
07:31And so Elon Musk has been making the rounds
07:35in the right wing media to try to appear to be a human being.
07:38Yesterday, he was guest of honor on the Ted Cruz podcast
07:42where Sweaty Teddy, who seems, Ted Cruz seems,
07:45everything he knows about technology
07:47seems to come from movies he's seen.
07:50Ted asked Elon a question about the dangers of AI.
07:54Is Skynet real?
07:57Like, you get the apocalyptic visions of AI.
08:01How real is the prospect of killer robots
08:05annihilating humanity?
08:0720% likely.
08:09Maybe 10%.
08:10On what time frame?
08:14Five to 10 years.
08:16He's going to try to get that down to three, but off topic,
08:20but Ted looks great, doesn't he?
08:22I mean, he looks like he got killed by a robot
08:25five to 10 years ago.
08:27I just want you to know, what you just saw
08:29was a sitting United States senator
08:31asking the actual Terminator about the movie Terminator,
08:35which he says is about to come true.
08:37We also got an update on that war in Ukraine
08:39Trump promised he would end in 24 hours.
08:42Old fart of the deal spoke with his pal Putin by phone today,
08:45which that seems like a bad...
08:47Putting Trump on the phone with Putin
08:49is like putting your grandma on the phone with a Nigerian prince.
08:52This fellow is so charming.
08:54Putin agreed to nothing today.
08:57People keep asking if Trump is getting played by Putin,
09:00which is like asking if Havana Gila is getting played at a bar mitzvah.
09:03Yes, is the answer.
09:05But according to White House Press Secretary Carolyn Leavitt...
09:08We are on the 10th yard line of peace.
09:10The 10th yard line of peace.
09:12There's no better metaphor for this administration
09:15than screwing up a metaphor about peace.
09:18You know, in Minnesota, I don't know if you saw this,
09:20but there are some Republican lawmakers there
09:22cooking up some historically stupid legislation.
09:25A group of state senators in Minnesota,
09:27they're trying to push through a bill
09:29that would classify Trump derangement syndrome
09:32as a mental illness.
09:34The bill says Trump derangement syndrome
09:37means the acute onset of paranoia in otherwise normal persons
09:41that is in reaction to the policies and presidencies
09:44of President Donald J. Trump.
09:46Republicans finally came up with a plan for health care,
09:49and this is it.
09:51Trump derangement syndrome.
09:53Which is, by the way, a very serious condition,
09:57but many people who suffer from it
09:59can lead happy, productive lives.
10:01Some even host their own late-night talk shows.
10:03And here's a fun fact.
10:05I got this... I learned this this afternoon.
10:07Hours after this Trump derangement bill was introduced,
10:10one of the senators who wrote it,
10:12a guy named Justin Eichhorn,
10:14was arrested for allegedly soliciting
10:16an underage girl in a sting operation.
10:19But let's get that TDS in the books.
10:21Well, Donald Trump's one thing,
10:23but it is absolutely astonishing
10:26to see these ridiculous Republicans
10:28desperately fawning over him,
10:30trying to get his attention and win his love.
10:32There are a lot of them.
10:34There are hundreds, maybe even thousands,
10:36but only five of them honored his majesty
10:38so parasitically this week,
10:40they earned a nomination for the coveted title
10:42of Golden Groveler.
10:45And the nominees are...
10:48Laura Trump.
10:50When history looks back on this time in America,
10:52I do believe that it will be
10:54Donald Trump and Elon Musk
10:56who were reflected as two of the saviors
10:58of this country and really of the entire world.
11:01Secretary of Commerce Howard Lutnick.
11:04You know you can't tackle Donald Trump.
11:06He is the most important, the smartest,
11:08the most capable leader in the world,
11:10and he's not gonna let someone push him around.
11:14Attorney General Pam Bondi.
11:16We all work for the greatest president
11:18in the history of our country.
11:20We are so proud to work
11:22at the directive of Donald Trump.
11:24It is, um...
11:29Representative Lauren Fulbert.
11:31Every day is like waking up to Christmas,
11:34and we just get so many blessings
11:36under President Trump and his administration,
11:38his amazing cabinet picks.
11:40This is a fantastic time
11:42to be alive.
11:44And Deputy Chief of Staff Stephen Miller.
11:47President Trump,
11:49this has now been well-established,
11:51is the greatest negotiator,
11:53the greatest dealmaker,
11:55the greatest diplomat,
11:57and the greatest peacemaker
11:59that we have ever seen in this country.
12:02Well, it was a very tough decision.
12:04All the nominees delivered
12:06extraordinary tongue work this week,
12:08but only one can win,
12:10and the winner goes to...
12:16Laura Trump!
12:21Congratulations, Laura.
12:23You are the bootlicking, brown-nosed,
12:25suck-up sycophant,
12:27apple-polishing, gonad-guzzling
12:29ass-kisser of the week.
12:31And the rest of you haters
12:33just need to try harder, that's all.
12:40That's why we're wearing these glasses.
12:42Thanks for being a subscriber.
12:44If you're not, help us get to 20 million and one.