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00:00Hi.
00:02Hey, listen, since we got, you know, interrupted last night, I didn't have a chance to give you this.
00:06Oh, Leonard, you shouldn't have.
00:11Oh boy!
00:14What is it?
00:16It's a snowflake from the North Pole.
00:20Are you serious?
00:22It'll last forever. I preserved it in a 1% solution of polyvinyl acetyl resin.
00:31Oh my God, that's the most romantic thing anyone's ever said to me that I didn't understand.
00:37It's actually a pretty simple process.
00:39You see, cyanoacrylates are monomers which polymerize on...
00:46Red alert. Leonard Sheldon ran away.
00:48Man, I cannot catch a break.
00:51So how do you know he ran away?
00:53Well, he's not answering his phone.
00:55He handed in his resignation at the university and he sent me a text that said, I'm running away.
01:01Okay, well, thanks for letting me know.
01:03Leonard, aren't you gonna do something?
01:05Of course I'm gonna do something.
01:08Howard, you check the comic book store. Raj, go to the Thai restaurant.
01:12I'll stay here with Penny in her apartment.
01:16Oh, damn it.
01:18It's Sheldon's mother.
01:20A break cannot be caught.
01:22Hi, Mrs. Cooper.
01:24He is...
01:26Sheldon went home to Texas.
01:28Yeah, no, I know he resigned.
01:31Yes, I guess it kind of is our fault.
01:35No, no, no, you're right. Someone needs to come talk to him.
01:38Don't worry, I'll take care of it. Yeah.
01:41Alright.
01:43New plan.
01:44Howard, you and Raj go to Texas. I'll stay here with Penny in her apartment.
01:49But you're not gonna go with him?
01:50Well, you know, I gave you the snowflake and we were kissing and...
01:54Come on, I don't want to go to Texas.
01:57Oh, right, and I do. My people already crossed the desert once. We're done.
02:05Trust me, you'll be fine. See ya.
02:07Wait a second, Leonard. Come on, how can you not go?
02:10He's your best friend.
02:11Well, I already saw him naked. Just come here.
02:15I promise I will be here when you get back.
02:17Just go help Sheldon.
02:19Really?
02:20Yeah. We waited a few months. We can wait a few more days.
02:27Maybe you can.
02:31Go.
02:34Boy, you cannot catch a break, can you?
02:40How about that? I finally caught a break.
02:44Uh-huh.
02:49You know how they say, when friends have sex, it can get weird?
02:53Sure.
02:54Why does it have to get weird?
02:57I don't know.
02:59I mean, we were friends and now we're more than friends.
03:04We're whatever this is.
03:06But why label it, right? I mean, it is what it is.
03:10Leonard.
03:11Yeah?
03:12It's weird.
03:13Totally.
03:15See, we should have done this last night, you know?
03:17Have a little wine, take the edge off.
03:19Actually, ethyl alcohol inhibits electrical conduction in the nerve cells
03:23and stimulates reuptake receptors of inhibitory neurotransmitters
03:26like gamma-aminobutyric acid.
03:33Don't talk. Just drink.
03:44What are we drinking now?
03:46What are we drinking now?
03:48Peppermint schnapps.
03:52Why would you buy peppermint schnapps?
03:54Because I like peppermint and it's fun to say schnapps.
04:02Hey, Leonard.
04:03What?
04:04Schnapps.
04:08Schnapps.
04:09You're right about his part.
04:17What's going on, Day Dwellers?
04:20Oh, man. Did the Kiss Army repeal Don't Ask, Don't Tell?
04:25No.
04:27Raj and I are going to a goth club in Hollywood to hang with the night people.
04:32Anybody want to come along?
04:35Oh, wow. You're actually going out like that?
04:37No. No, I'm going out like this.
04:43Howard, what did you do?
04:45They're called tattoo sleeves. Look.
04:49I bought them online. Raj got a set, too.
04:55Fantastic, right?
04:56Put them on, have hot sex with some freaky girl with her business peers,
04:59take them off, and I can still be buried in a Jewish cemetery.
05:04You know, I've always wanted to go to a goth nightclub.
05:07Really?
05:08Bazinga.
05:11None of you ever see my practical jokes coming, do you?
05:15Okay, how about you two? Look, I got some extra tat sleeves.
05:20Why are you carrying extras?
05:22In case I snag one on someone's nipple ring.
05:26Yeah, I think we'll pass.
05:28Oh, is the missus speaking for the couple now?
05:33In this case, you bet she is.
05:36Yes, she's pushy, and yes, he's whipped, but that's not the expression.
05:46Come on, I want to stop at Walgreens and pick up some more eyeliner.
05:54They're going to get beaten up at that club.
05:57They're going to get beaten up at Walgreens.
06:01Want some French toast?
06:03It's oatmeal day.
06:06Tell you what, next French toast day, I will make you oatmeal.
06:09Dear lord, are you still going to be here on French toast day?
06:17Morning.
06:18Look, Leonard, Penny made French toast.
06:21Sorry, I haven't given her your schedule yet.
06:23It's an iCal download, she can put it right in her phone.
06:28And I thought we agreed that you'd have your conjugal visits in her apartment.
06:31We did, but there were extenuating circumstances.
06:34I see. Did her abysmal housekeeping skills finally trump her perkiness?
06:40No, her bed kind of broke.
06:45That doesn't seem likely. Her bed's of sturdy construction.
06:49Even the addition of a second normal-sized human being wouldn't cause a structural failure,
06:53much less a homunculus such as yourself.
06:57A homunculus?
06:58A perfectly formed miniature human being.
07:02Aww, you're my little homunculus.
07:07Don't do that.
07:08Sorry.
07:09Okay, who wants syrup and who wants cinnamon sugar?
07:11I want oatmeal.
07:12Yes, well, I want a boyfriend whose roommate isn't a giant pain in the ass.
07:17I'm sure that will happen soon enough.
07:20But in the meantime, I still want oatmeal.
07:23You know what, I give up. He's impossible.
07:25I can be impossible. I exist.
07:29I believe what you meant to say is, I give up. He's improbable.
07:38What do you do for jobs?
07:40We're scientists. Yeah, you know, the dark sciences.
07:44What are the dark sciences?
07:47Well, I am an astrophysicist and a lot of that takes place at night.
07:53When there are vampires and miscellaneous undead out and about.
07:59Oy vey.
08:02That sounds really cool.
08:05Does it?
08:06Okay, if you like space stuff, I design components for the International Space Station, which is in space.
08:11Where, as I'm sure you know, no one can hear you scream.
08:17So what do you guys do?
08:19I work at the Gap.
08:20Really? How about that? I've been to the Gap.
08:23I've been there as well. I like your t-shirts with the little pocket.
08:27I work there too. Not that anyone cares.
08:33You know, this place is boring.
08:36Yeah, why don't we go somewhere else and have some fun?
08:40Okay, sure.
08:42We are fun people.
08:44Dark and fun.
08:46Come on, I know a place you'll really dig.
08:51Did you bring the black condoms?
08:53Here's my fanny pack.
08:54Let's go.
09:02Are you happy now?
09:06Not particularly.
09:09Dr. Koothrabali, come on in.
09:11I was surprised to hear you were interested in joining our little team.
09:14Giving up on those trans-Neptunian objects, are we?
09:17No, no, it's a very promising area.
09:19In a perfect world, I'd spend several more years on it.
09:21But I just couldn't pass up the opportunity to work with you on your tremendously exciting
09:26and not yet conclusively disproved hypothesis.
09:29Splendid. Please sit down.
09:31Come on over here, Sherry.
09:33It's a little early, isn't it?
09:35Not on Proxima Centauri.
09:38That's very good. Jolly amusing.
09:40But if you don't mind, I'll hold off until sunset on Titan.
09:44Well done. I have a feeling you're going to fit in just fine, Dr. Koothrabali.
09:48Thank you, sir.
09:51I'm sorry. Am I late?
09:53No, no, no. Right on time.
09:55Dr. Koothrabali, may I present Dr. Millstone from MIT.
09:58She'll be heading up our data analysis team.
10:00It's nice to meet you, Dr. Koothrabali.
10:04I read your paper on Kuiper Belt Object Size Distribution.
10:07I really enjoyed it.
10:10How did you correct for the selection bias?
10:13Well, I ran a simulation that allowed me to correct for the observational efficiency.
10:19That's just fascinating.
10:24Would you like to hear more about it at my hot tub?
10:31So when do I start?
10:35Want to get a little cold?
10:38Want to get a little crazy?
10:40What are you thinking?
10:42I'd slide over to Sheldon's spot and make out.
10:47You are a dirty girl.
10:53Oh God, how did he know?
10:56Hello?
10:57Hi, Howard.
10:59Am I interrupting?
11:01A little bit, yeah.
11:02Guess I should have called.
11:04Yeah, maybe.
11:08Okay.
11:13Tonight's the night I usually go line dancing with Raj at the Palomino.
11:18Uh-huh.
11:20But he's working with Sheldon.
11:22Yes, we know.
11:24Want me to leave?
11:26You know, whatever.
11:28Okay, I guess I can hang for a little while.
11:32Wow, you really are a genius.
11:36Not really.
11:38I googled how to do that.
11:43So, listen.
11:46Have you ever made a pact with someone?
11:49You mean like a pinky swear?
11:52Okay, fine, like a pinky swear.
11:55Well, in the first grade my friend Rosie and I made a pact to marry Bert and Ernie.
12:01You know, from Sesame Street.
12:03I'm familiar with Bert and Ernie.
12:05Then we found out we both wanted Ernie.
12:07We didn't speak again until middle school.
12:10Over puppets?
12:12The heart wants what the heart wants, Leonard.
12:15Okay.
12:17Speaking of what the heart wants,
12:20a long time ago I made a pact with Wolowitz that kind of involves you.
12:34Okay, I don't know where you're going with this,
12:37but tread carefully because it may be the last conversation we ever have.
12:42No, no.
12:44Nothing like that.
12:46The deal was that if either of us ever got a girlfriend,
12:49we'd have her fix the other one up with one of her friends.
12:52And you thought a good time to bring this up would be right after sex?
12:55Well, sure as hell wasn't going to bring it up before sex.
13:01During, I was trying to remember what I read on Google.
13:08I'm not hooking Wolowitz up with one of my friends.
13:11It doesn't have to be a good friend.
13:14And you know that deep down inside Howard's a really nice guy.
13:18The problem isn't what's on the inside.
13:21It's the creepy candy coating.
13:25Will you at least think about it?
13:28Just as a favor to me.
13:31The great thing about Ernie was he never asked me for anything.
13:36He just gave.
13:39You're watching football?
13:41There's no fooling you.
13:45Now, what is this sacks statistic they put up there?
13:48All I know about sacks is my mother shops there.
13:54Sacks. Sacks.
13:57It's football nomenclature for when a quarterback is tackled behind the line of scrimmage.
14:02Huh.
14:05Scrimmage.
14:08The line of scrimmage is the imaginary transverse line separating the offense from the defense.
14:14Oh.
14:17Sheldon knows football?
14:19Apparently.
14:21I mean, Quidditch, sure, but football?
14:25Sheldon, how do you know this stuff?
14:28I grew up in Texas. Football is ubiquitous in Texas.
14:31Pro football, college football, high school football, peewee football.
14:35In fact, every form of football except the original, European football.
14:40Most Texans believe to be a commie plot.
14:45Unbelievable.
14:46If you're interested, I also know all about frying meat that isn't chicken as if it were chicken.
14:55So you could teach me?
14:58Football or chicken fried meats?
15:02Football. I'm going to Penny's on Saturday to watch a game with her friends and I don't want to look like an idiot.
15:06I want to blend in.
15:08You want to blend in with Penny's friends? I think looking like an idiot would be the perfect camouflage.
15:13Come on, Sheldon, please teach me football. It'll be fun.
15:16That's exactly what my father said.
15:19Go to the games, watch the games, week in and week out from the time I was five until I went off to college.
15:25Longest seven years of my life.
15:29Please, I'm asking you as a friend.
15:32Are you making this a tier one friendship request?
15:37Yes.
15:39Fine.
15:41I really appreciate this.
15:42Yeah, yeah. All right, Poindexter, sit down, shut up and listen.
15:46I'm sorry?
15:48That's how my father always began our football conversations.
15:52And if you'd like, after the game, I'll take you outside and teach you how to shoot close enough to a raccoon that it craps itself.
16:07Hey, look, Amazing Spider-Man 193.
16:10Got it.
16:12Remember this one? Spider-Man loses a big fight and his girlfriend breaks up with him.
16:20Want me to get it for you? It'll help take your mind off things.
16:24Hey, guys, what's going on?
16:26We need to kill a couple hours till the next showing of Time Bandits.
16:29Oh, no problem. I was thinking of closing early and going home, but let's face it, that's just a slightly smaller, lonely room filled with comic books.
16:38Thanks, Stuart.
16:41Let me ask you something. Do you think it's okay for Penny to have an ex-boyfriend sleep on her couch?
16:45No, I mean, she's obviously way out of line.
16:48But if she dumps you, she'll have a new boyfriend by tomorrow morning, and you'll have a new girlfriend when you figure out how to build one.
16:56So the only question is, how long until you fold?
16:59I am not gonna fold.
17:01Excuse me, I don't think Penny's out of line at all. You don't own her.
17:05It's like my girl Beyonce says, if you like it, you should have put a ring on it.
17:11Come on. At the very least, when she found out Leonard was upset about it, she should have backed off.
17:16You mean like when a guy's upset because his friend agreed to take a cooking class with him and then doesn't show up because he's doing a juice fast with his mother?
17:23I didn't know you were upset about that.
17:26Really? Did you miss all the subtle indicators like me saying, Howard, I am upset?
17:30Okay, sorry.
17:32Maybe it means something different in this country. Back in India, it means you're upset with a guy named Howard.
17:36Yeah, I said I'm sorry.
17:38Sorry doesn't make up for the fact that I had to make chicken and rice with this vegan guy. Do you know what vegan chicken and rice is? Rice.
17:45Yeah, well, you think I was having fun sitting around all night listening to my mother say, have you ever peed so much in your life?
17:52Oh, my God. You are such a mama's boy.
17:56Hey, don't bring my mother into this.
17:59You brought your mother into this.
18:01Stop it, both of you. All this fighting, I might as well be back with my parents.
18:05Dammit, George, I told you if you didn't quit drinking, I'd leave you.
18:08Well, I guess that makes you a liar because I'm drunk as hell and you're still here.
18:12Stop yelling. You're making Sheldon cry.
18:14I'll tell you what's making Sheldon cry, that I let you name him Sheldon.
18:18Boy, what got him so upset?
18:27Oh, sure, you can tell when Sheldon's upset.
18:31Okay, the best I can tell, there are eight other campsites nearby, mostly science nerds like us.
18:39But just over Yon Ridge are two not unattractive middle school teachers who reek of desperation.
18:46Wonderful, how old are they?
18:48I don't know, 50? 55?
18:51Oh, menopause.
18:54Nature's birth control.
18:57Come on, you guys can't be that hard up.
19:00I am.
19:01Yeah, me too.
19:04They gave me homemade cookies.
19:05Of course they did, that's what grandmothers do.
19:08So what are we waiting for?
19:10Relax, I said we'd stop by a little later after they have their nap.
19:15Good idea, they'll be refreshed.
19:18Okay.
19:24Not bad.
19:25Yeah, very tasty.
19:27So tell me more about these teachers.
19:29Not much to tell.
19:30They had a VW microbus and were wearing tie-dyed Grateful Dead t-shirts.
19:39Good cookies.
19:44Yeah.
19:54Stars are pretty, aren't they?
19:58Up above the world so high, like little diamonds in the sky.
20:04That's beautiful, dude.
20:08You should write that down before someone steals it.
20:11So when do the meteors get here?
20:13When the meteors don't get here, the Earth is moving into their path.
20:17I can feel it.
20:21I can feel the Earth moving.
20:25It's moving too fast. Raj, slow it down.
20:37Okay, how's that?
20:40Better, thanks.
20:43Stars are pretty, aren't they?
20:50What's so funny?
20:51It's your American accent. Everything you say sounds stupid.
20:56Stars are pretty, aren't they?
21:05All right, there's no need to bark at me.
21:09According to the inexplicably irritable nurse behind the desk,
21:13you'll be seen after the man who claims to be having a heart attack
21:16but appears to be well enough to play Doodle Jump on his iPhone.
21:21We have to fill these out.
21:24Describe illness or injury.
21:26I dislocated my shoulder.
21:29All right.
21:31And how did the accident occur?
21:33You already know that.
21:36Cause of accident?
21:38Lack of adhesive ducts.
21:43Okay, medical history.
21:45Have you ever been diagnosed with diabetes?
21:47No.
21:48Kidney disease?
21:49No.
21:50Migraines?
21:51Getting one.
21:53Are you currently pregnant?
21:54No.
21:55Are you sure you look a bit puffy?
22:00Change migraine to yes.
22:03When was your last menstrual period?
22:05Next question.
22:06I'll put in progress.
22:10Okay.
22:11Moving to psychiatric disorders.
22:13List all major behavioral diagnoses, e.g. depression, anxiety, etc.
22:17Oh my God, what the hell does this have to do with my stupid shoulder?
22:21Episodes of subpsychotic rage.
22:26Ass.
22:27Possible Tourette's.
22:30My moles, lesions, or other skin conditions.
22:34Soup tattoo on right buttock.
22:37Okay, Sheldon, Sheldon, look.
22:39I am scared and in a lot of pain.
22:41Could you please take a break from being you for just a minute
22:44and try being, I don't know, comforting?
22:50I'm sorry.
22:52They're there.
22:55Everything's going to be fine.
22:59I'm sorry.
23:07Sheldon's here.
23:16Thanks, it's much better.