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FunTranscript
00:00Dear Crazy Future Sheldon, this is a thermostat.
00:07It controls the temperature of the apartment.
00:10The ideal setting is 72 degrees.
00:13If you find this too cold, then put on a jacket.
00:16A straight jacket, because 72 is the best, and you're crazy.
00:21Now, this is your spot.
00:26You're very protective of it.
00:27When anyone else tries to sit here, you berate them relentlessly.
00:31It sounds mean, but somehow you make it adorable.
00:37People are also delighted by your love of pranks.
00:40For example, Leonard has no idea what I did to his coffee.
00:47It wasn't replaced with Folgers crystals, I'll tell you that much.
00:50Hey, can we please get back to work?
00:54This is Leonard.
00:55He's your best friend in the world.
00:57Just stop.
00:58This is ridiculous.
01:01Sometimes he gets cranky, but you can trust him with your life, and he does more things
01:07for you than I can even begin to list.
01:12Oh no, he's drinking it.
01:14Come on, Leonard's doing bachelor stuff.
01:18You sure we can't take you to a strip club?
01:19Nah, if I want to see a naked dancing man, I just flush the toilet while Leonard's in
01:24the shower.
01:25Hi.
01:26Hey.
01:27I know we're not making a fuss, but in the spirit of bachelorette parties, I made cookies
01:36in the shape of male genitals.
01:39It really didn't have to- whoa!
01:45That is anatomic.
01:48The veins are gummy worms.
01:49Oh, look, chewy shen-shen tile.
01:59I had extra dough.
02:00Oh, that's Leonard.
02:01He said they're about to cross the border.
02:05I hope the boys don't get too crazy in Mexico.
02:08Oh, yeah, right.
02:09Lock up your daughters, or Sheldon might lecture them about the North American Free Trade Agreement.
02:14Boy, that was a long night for me.
02:18What do you think?
02:19I think it's very cute.
02:21Cute?
02:22It's not cute.
02:23Cute is children dressed as vegetables.
02:26Okay, fine.
02:29It's not cute.
02:30Just be honest.
02:31You don't like it.
02:32I didn't say that.
02:33I just like music you can dance to.
02:36You can dance to this!
02:38Uh, uh, uh, Thor and Dr. Jones, Thor and Dr. Jones.
02:45One plays with lightning, the other plays with bones.
02:51I'm telling you, dude, the song has no groove.
02:53You can't dance to it.
02:54Who cares?
02:55I thought the whole point of Footprints on the Moon was to write songs that make people
03:01think.
03:02You can do both.
03:03Like, like Michael Jackson's Billie Jean, while you're dancing, you're thinking, like,
03:07darn it, whose baby is it?
03:09How many Spock collectibles?
03:11I have many.
03:12My most treasured is an autographed napkin given to me by my very thoughtful friend Penny.
03:18That's her over there.
03:19Hi.
03:20Look at that, I'm in a movie, my shirt stayed on.
03:29Can we see the napkin?
03:31Of course.
03:32Excuse me.
03:33Just give me a moment.
03:46When did we get a wall safe?
03:50When there was no more room in the floor safe.
03:53When did we get a floor safe?
03:56When we got the security camera.
03:58There's a security camera?
04:01Aquaman, protecting your home since 2012.
04:07Oh my God, we've done things on that couch.
04:09Yeah, you don't have to tell me.
04:11Have you thought about advertising directly to females?
04:15Okay.
04:16Well, all right, what if I put up a sign in the window that said, women come in, don't
04:25be afraid.
04:28Hey, have you read the online reviews for this place?
04:35Yeah, the internet's so negative, I try to avoid it.
04:38All right, well, Heather H. says, the owner stared at me the whole time and didn't blink
04:43once.
04:53Kelly M. says, the creepy guy who runs it asked me out then called himself stupid before
04:59I could say no.
05:01Jessica K. says, I told the weird owner that I liked his shirt, he took it off and gave
05:08it to me.
05:11See, negative.
05:15You actually think it's 2003?
05:17No, just because I'm living my life like it was 12 years ago doesn't mean I'm delusional.
05:22And since it is 2003, I don't know who you are, so please exit the premises before I
05:27call the police on my stylish new flip phone.
05:32Hello, 2003.
05:35Hey, we brought you time...
05:41Where is everything?
05:43In my present, it's in the future.
05:45In your present, it's been crammed in the bedroom by an enterprising young man I met
05:49in the Home Depot parking lot.
05:53I know what you're doing.
05:54You're trying to get attention so we'll feel bad for you, but it's not happening.
05:57No, what I'm doing is trying to figure out how to live my life now that everyone is leaving
06:01me.
06:02Knock it off.
06:03We're across the hall.
06:04As the kids are saying today, talk to the hand.
06:09They're not saying that.
06:12They are in 2003.
06:13No, no, they're really not.
06:14This is ridiculous.
06:15You know, I'm going to go talk to the meter D.
06:19What are you going to say?
06:20I don't know.
06:21I'm going to flirt with him.
06:22I don't know if I'm comfortable with that.
06:23I'm still sleeping with you tonight.
06:24See if you can get a table by the window.
06:25Hi there.
06:26What's your name?
06:27Glenn.
06:28Oh, boy.
06:29It is crazy in here tonight, huh, Glenn?
06:30Well, you know, Valentine's Day.
06:31Yes.
06:32I bet your girlfriend is so excited about it.
06:33Yeah, I know.
06:34I know.
06:35I know.
06:36I know.
06:37I know.
06:38I know.
06:39I know.
06:40I know.
06:41I know.
06:42I know.
06:43I know.
06:45Your girlfriend is super bummed you had to work tonight.
06:47Anyway, look, we have been waiting a while.
06:50And I just can't...
06:51With all due respect, Ma'am, there's nothing I can do.
06:54You don't have to call me ma'am.
06:57Okay.
06:58I mean, we're basically the same age.
07:03Okay.
07:06How old are you?
07:07I'm 21.
07:08How old are you?
07:11Just shut up, Glenn.
07:12Come on, let's get out of here.
07:14What, why?
07:15Because I'm young, let's go.
07:17Seems we're at a stalemate.
07:20Not technically.
07:22In chess, a stalemate refers to a situation in which there are no remaining moves.
07:26You have plenty of moves available.
07:28You could beat us up and steal the money.
07:31You could kill us.
07:33Really, you're only limited by your imagination.
07:40All these years I've been using stalemate when I really mean impasse.
07:44I feel foolish.
07:49I don't think it matters if this is a stalemate or an impasse or a Mexican standoff.
07:54What are we going to do here?
07:55Oh, how can it be a Mexican standoff?
07:57Everybody knows you need three sides for that.
07:59Not necessarily.
08:01Many argue that the essence of a Mexican standoff is that no one can walk away from the conflict
08:06without incurring harm.
08:08I don't follow.
08:09Let me give you an example.
08:13Earlier today, I decoded the headers on your email and I know that your name is Kenneth
08:18Fitzgerald.
08:19From that I figured out where you live and where you work.
08:21Now, to make this a Mexican standoff, I would say something like, you give us the helium
08:26or I'll turn you into the authorities.
08:28Is that a threat?
08:30Yeah, exactly.
08:31See, you're getting it.
08:32What is this?
08:33I don't know.
08:34I don't know.
08:35Maybe it says something on the back.
08:38Continued on milk.
08:39If you're tricking me into making my own breakfast, it didn't work for my mom and it won't work
08:44for you.
08:46Are.
08:48We are.
08:51Seaspoons for more.
08:52What could it be?
08:55We are Groot.
08:57We are the champions.
08:59We are family.
09:00I got all my sisters with me.
09:06Are you serious?
09:08Yeah.
09:10Are you sure?
09:14Pretty positive.
09:16That's a joke because the pregnancy test says that.
09:22This is incredible.
09:24We're going to be parents.
09:28We're going to get to board planes first.
09:33Finally going to get to see what's in that family bathroom at the mall.
09:38No, it's crazy.
09:39It is crazy.
09:41Oh, I mean, how do you prepare for something like this?
09:46I'm not even sure I've held a baby before.
09:49Oh, it's okay.
09:50You'll figure it out.
09:51But how's this all going to work?
09:53Do we get a nanny?
09:54Can we afford a nanny?
09:56If we can, we can't get a pretty one because it'll wreck our marriage.
10:00We can't get an ugly one because it'll scare the kid.
10:05I don't know how he...
10:07Are we in a good school district?
10:09You're Catholic.
10:10I'm Jewish.
10:11What religion do we raise?
10:12And if it's a boy, do we get him circumcised?
10:14People say it's barbaric.
10:15But if we don't, it looks like a pig in a blanket.
10:21Calm down.
10:22It's going to be okay.
10:23How's it going to be okay?
10:26Look at me.
10:27I'm a mess.
10:28That means this baby's going to be half a mess.
10:30And that's even before we screw it up with our cut-rate, moderately attractive nanny.
10:36Oh, there's a woman.
10:37I'll make her my girlfriend.
10:40Whoa, whoa.
10:42Walking up to a strange woman in a bar usually doesn't work.
10:45You're forgetting something.
10:47Ladies love jocks.
10:51How many sips of that beer did you have?
10:52Three.
10:53Oh, boy.
10:56Excuse me.
10:58I'm recovering from a recent breakup.
11:00And I'm told asking out another woman might make me feel better.
11:04And as Ash Ketchum said to Pikachu, I choose you.
11:09What?
11:10It's a Pokemon reference.
11:12I don't know what that means.
11:14Well, we gave it a shot.
11:18How about you?
11:20I'm married.
11:21And I'm her grandmother.
11:23Ah, what might have been.
11:26And you?
11:27Give my regards to Barnum and Bailey.
11:32He's eating.
11:33That's a good sign.
11:34You're going to have to wait one hour until you can go swimming again.
11:40He's pretty cute.
11:41He is.
11:43Should we name him?
11:46It's Valentine's Day.
11:48How about Valentino?
11:51Nice.
11:52Classic rabbit name.
11:54Peter Rabbit.
11:55Roger Rabbit.
11:56Valentino Wallowitz Rabbit.
12:00Look at all that chest hair and overbite.
12:03Of course you're a wallowitz.
12:07Son of a bitch.
12:08He bit me.
12:09Are you okay?
12:10No, I'm not okay.
12:12Wild rabbits can have rabies.
12:15Why'd you put your finger near its mouth?
12:17Poor judgment, obviously.
12:21He's so little.
12:22I'm sure it's fine.
12:23It can't be fine.
12:24I just got attacked by a clearly antisemitic wild animal.
12:29It says rabies in rabbits is highly unlikely.
12:32Terrific.
12:33It's not terrific.
12:34Lots of highly unlikely things happen.
12:36You saw what's under this robe and you still married me.
12:40If you're really worried, we'll take him to the vet and have him tested.
12:43Good, thank you.
12:45Okay, there is a test.
12:46All they have to do is cut off his head and check his brain.
12:50Cut off his head?
12:53That's where his little nose is.
12:57He's not showing any symptoms.
13:00I guess I'll just go to the emergency room to be safe.
13:04Howie, this is just your hypochondria.
13:06When I sat on the mute button and thought I'd gone deaf, that was my hypochondria.
13:10There was a song I couldn't get out of my head.
13:12Eventually I realized the song was about you.
13:15And like that earworm, I can't get you out of my heart.
13:20So, what I'm trying to say is, you're my heartworm.
13:26The metaphorical kind, not the poodle-killing kind.
13:31What?
13:33If I may, I believe what he's saying, in a charming and delightful way, is that he loves you and wants you back.
13:41Dave Gibbs, huge fan of your work.
13:43Don't mind me.
13:45I'm sorry, I didn't realize you were on a date.
13:47No, it's okay. Keep going.
13:51Amy, if you want to be my girlfriend again, I really want to be your boyfriend.
13:56I really want that, too.
13:58Good. Because I love you.
14:03I love you, too.
14:07Kiss her, you brilliant fool!
14:09Kiss her, you brilliant fool!