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FunTranscript
00:00This is an easy one. You love this guy.
00:03Me.
00:06Come on. He's an underappreciated genius.
00:09Still think it's me.
00:12It's not you. Now think, there's a car named after him.
00:16Of course there is. The Mini Cooper, because it's me.
00:22How about this? He's a poor man's Sheldon Cooper.
00:26Oh, Tesla.
00:28Hi.
00:29Hey, how'd it go?
00:30Not fun. The doctor shoved a camera up into my sinuses.
00:34Yeah, I watched. It was like the scary boat tunnel in Willy Wonka.
00:39Did they figure out what's wrong?
00:41Yeah, it's a deviated septum. The surgery to correct it is simple. He's going to do it next week.
00:45Why would you have surgery?
00:47Because I can't breathe. I snore, I get sinus infections.
00:51You're back off. He's all mine.
00:54But you don't have a life-threatening condition. Why would you take the risk of surgery?
00:58Sheldon, it's a routine procedure. I've heard you complain about his snoring.
01:02Yeah, that's for the first five or six years, but I've gotten used to it.
01:06It helps me sleep. He's like my mucus-powered white noise machine.
01:12Sheldon, I'm going to get the surgery. It's no big deal. End of story.
01:15Very well. I'm done talking about it. Thank you.
01:17I believe it was your turn in the game.
01:19Okay.
01:21Let's see.
01:22Oh, this person is most famous for never having gotten his nose mutilated with elective surgery
01:29and never living the rest of his life in the shadows as a hideous disfigured freak.
01:35I think you could give a better clue.
01:37I don't. I'm not even sure if that's a person or a typo.
01:41Do you guys ever fight over money?
01:43Sure, sometimes. I mean, it can be a little awkward since I make so much more money than Howie.
01:50You didn't have to say so much more.
01:52Well, I didn't have to, but for the sake of accuracy, I felt that I should.
01:57I brought a lot of significant assets into the relationship, too.
02:00Like what? Your incomplete set of Star Trek collector plates?
02:05For your information, I just bought the last one I needed on eBay.
02:09Without asking me?
02:12There were only three minutes left in the auction, and it was a mint-conditioned Scotty from a smoke-free home.
02:21How much, Howie?
02:22Not a lot.
02:23How much?
02:25Let's not talk about this in front of our friends.
02:28Was it more or less than falconry school?
02:33For the tenth time, that was a Groupon!
02:36Did you enjoy my lecture?
02:38No, and neither did our waiter.
02:42If you're going to serve Cornish game hen, you should either be familiar with the history of Cornwall or be prepared to learn it.
02:50It's hard to argue with that.
02:51And I know, because I saw a sad man with a pepper mill desperately try and fail.
03:01Hey, how was dinner?
03:02Good. I had Cornish game hen.
03:04Oh, that poor waiter.
03:09Sheldon, how about tomorrow night we see a movie?
03:11You guys are going out two nights in a row?
03:13I missed a number of date nights while I was on my train trip, and I'm contractually obligated to make them up under the terms of the relationship agreement.
03:22That's so hot.
03:25It's better than hot, it's binding.
03:30If you're free tomorrow night, I'd love to have you join us on a double date.
03:34Aww, you are aware that a double date doesn't count as two dates.
03:40Oh.
03:42Well, then come or don't, I don't care.
03:45They're not dating, they're just two friends who went out to dinner.
03:49And then went back to the home they share, where they probably fell asleep in the matching pajamas she got them because they both just love penguins.
03:58Lots of people wear matching pajamas who aren't dating.
04:01Like who?
04:02Like you and your dog.
04:06Don't rule out the dating.
04:09Fine, it bothers me. You happy?
04:12You think you've got problems?
04:14The Gibbon is the only member of the ape family not classified as a great ape.
04:22How is this helpful?
04:23All the non-human apes are classified as great apes except one.
04:27That means Taxonomous created the entire category of lesser ape just to single out the poor Gibbon as the weird kid on the playground.
04:36Now, there's a hairy little fellow with a genuine beef.
04:40But the Gibbon doesn't know what it's categorized as. It doesn't even know it's called a Gibbon.
04:45True.
04:47Sorry kids, you got it worse than a Gibbon.
04:49But I made a video.
04:54I'm Dr. Sheldon Cooper, and I'd like to tell you why I should be chosen to...
05:01Go to Mars!
05:02Go to Mars!
05:05I'm exceedingly smart. I graduated college at 14.
05:08While my brother was getting an STD, I was getting a PhD.
05:15Penicillin can't take this away.
05:19Being in close quarters, cleanliness is important.
05:23My hygiene is impeccable.
05:25In fact, animals don't trust me because I smell like nothing.
05:32Literally nothing.
05:36During the seven month space flight, I can keep up morale with my wacky sense of humor.
05:44Hey Leonard, is there any peanut brittle left in that can?
05:49You mean this weirdly suspicious one?
05:52Yes. Open it and check.
05:54I don't get it. There's actually peanut brittle in here.
06:04Please go to Mars.
06:08But on a more serious note, the most important reason I want to go to Mars
06:12is that I believe, as a scientist, it's my duty to push the boundaries of human knowledge forward.
06:19Now, I know that life on Mars will be difficult.
06:22But life here on Earth is no picnic.
06:25Also, picnics are no picnic.
06:29Where should we go for lunch? Oh, I know, the ground.
06:34In conclusion, thank you for considering me for this journey of a lifetime.
06:41To Mars!
06:42Did you guys ever notice that Emily has a bit of a twisted side?
06:45You mean because she has weird tattoos?
06:47No, because she wants to have sex with me in a graveyard.
06:53One more time?
06:55She and I were supposed to watch the new Avengers movie tonight, but it was sold out.
06:59So I said, what else do you want to do?
07:01She said, let's go to a cemetery and do it on somebody's grave.
07:04And I said, no, I don't want to do that.
07:06She said, let's go to a cemetery and do it on somebody's grave.
07:09She said, let's go to a cemetery and do it on somebody's grave.
07:14Like a random person or somebody she knew?
07:18What difference does it make?
07:21Well, if it's her father's grave and they didn't get along, then you know she holds a grudge.
07:28The only issue is that everybody has their own thing.
07:30And as long as it's two consenting adults, I guess I don't see the harm in it.
07:34Well, what if it's one consenting adult and one adult who pretends to consent because he's afraid of being alone?
07:42It's a beautiful night.
07:43Oh, yes.
07:44You've got the moon and the trees and Elizabeth McNulty,
07:49who apparently died when she was the same age I am.
07:55Makes you feel alive, doesn't it?
07:57So does enjoying a meal at a well-lit restaurant, but here we are.
08:00Here we are.
08:04You aren't scared, are you?
08:06Of ghosts? No.
08:08Of you? A little bit.
08:14Can you believe it's been five years since our first date?
08:18I know.
08:20Do you think I should start watching the Flash TV show?
08:23No.
08:29That's what you're thinking about?
08:31Well, one of the things.
08:34Are any of them me?
08:36Yes.
08:38I thought, I can't decide if I should watch the Flash TV show.
08:41I know. I'll ask Amy.
08:45Anyway.
08:48What are you doing?
08:50You're right. You did kind of kill the mood.
08:53I didn't kill anything.
08:54You did, talking about your stupid TV show.
08:58Excuse me?
08:59Starting to watch a television show that might run for years isn't a decision to take lightly.
09:04I'm wrestling with a big commitment issue here.
09:08Really?
09:09That's the commitment issue you're wrestling with?
09:13Sheldon, do you understand the irony of your fixation on a man with super speed,
09:18while after five years, all I can get out of you is a distracted make-out session on a couch?
09:25Irony's not really my strong suit.
09:28But I have been getting better with sarcasm, if you want to give that a try.
09:32Oh, sure. I'd love to.
09:36Whenever you're ready.
09:38She passed me the Manischewitz. I took one look at this punim and almost platzed on the kugel.
09:45Is this what I sound like when I talk about India?
09:51So my mother's okay with this?
09:53Why would your mother have a problem with me and Stuart?
09:56Because they have a weird, inappropriate relationship.
09:59Weirder than what you and I did in my dad's Corolla?
10:05This is so messed up.
10:07I know. I'm having the best time.
10:10Why would you even come to this? Didn't you know I'd be here?
10:13It was a long time ago, Howard.
10:15And you're only second cousins, who cares?
10:17So you knew and you brought her anyway?
10:20Oh, so she's good enough for Howard, but not for me?
10:22Yeah.
10:23Yeah, go have weird relationships with your own mother and cousin. This is his turf.
10:26Yeah.
10:28Okay, I gotta, I just, I gotta ask.
10:33What makes you think that your relationship is so wonderful and ours isn't?
10:37For starters, we enjoy spending time together.
10:44So do we.
10:46And I've seen you guys ignore each other for hours doing totally different things.
10:50It's called parallel play.
10:54Yeah, toddlers do that.
10:56Not as well as we do.
11:00You believe this guy has to be the best at everything?
11:02So what? Why do you even care?
11:04Oh, listen to them. Not even married and the honeymoon's over.
11:09Whatever, you can't even go on a date without checking your relationship agreement.
11:13If you've got a problem basing a relationship on a contract,
11:16I'd like to tell you about 13 plucky colonies
11:19that entered a relationship agreement called the U.S. Constitution.
11:24And it may not be cool to say so,
11:26but I think that love affair is still pretty hot today.
11:29It's a good thing I'm not wearing flag underwear right now,
11:31because there's about to be a fire.
11:38Oh, it's beautiful.
11:40Oh, the girls really did a nice job.
11:42Oh, I know I wasn't into this before,
11:45but I'm so glad I get to take you to your first prom.
11:48What makes you think I didn't go to my prom? I went.
11:51Well, who'd you go with?
11:52I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm,
11:56I went to my prom, I went.
11:57Well, who'd you go with?
11:58I took a little lady I like to call loneliness.
12:03Aw.
12:04It's all right.
12:05We ended up having a threesome with her friend Humiliation.
12:11Well, if I would have been there and saw you alone,
12:13I would have asked you to dance.
12:14No, you wouldn't have.
12:15Well, you don't know that.
12:16It was before my growth spurt.
12:18What? That already happened?
12:19Uh, very funny.
12:23Well, you wouldn't have asked me either.
12:24I would have asked you in my head on the way home while I was having a good cry.
12:35I've invented a science joke.
12:37Would you like to hear it?
12:38Sure.
12:39How many Edisons does it take to screw in a light bulb?
12:43How many?
12:44Who cares?
12:45He stole the idea and doesn't deserve his own joke.
12:49Is that really true?
12:50Of course.
12:51That's how you know it's a good joke.
12:53It not only entertains, it informs.
12:57Hey, sorry to interrupt.
12:59Yeah, Barry.
13:00How many Edisons does it take to screw in a light bulb?
13:03Did you know Edison didn't actually invent the light bulb?
13:09What do you want, Barry?
13:11Just wanted to drop this off as a little thank you for Amy.
13:14What's this for?
13:15Your idea really helped me out.
13:17My white cone quantization paper's online already.
13:20The response has been amazing.
13:23Well, that's fascinating.
13:24I can't wait to read it.
13:25You don't know me as well.
13:27Please email it to Sheldon at Bazinga dot biz.
13:31Why dot biz?
13:32Because I just gave you the business.
13:35And also Bazinga dot com was taken.