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FunTranscript
00:00That's my water. What? My water. You're drinking it. Beer? Lord.
00:06Have you been drinking it? Yes, it's my water. Well, that's it then. I'm dead.
00:14Here we go.
00:15But I'm sorry, do I really need to connect the dots for you? The backwash into this glass is every pathogen that calls your mouth
00:22home sweet home.
00:23Not to mention the visitors who arrive on the dancing tongue of your subtropical girlfriend.
00:27Hey, that's my sister and my country you're talking about. Then it may have defiled one,
00:34but I won't have you talking smack about the other.
00:37You guys ready to order? Yes, I'd like a seven-day course of penicillin,
00:41some syrup of ipecac to induce vomiting, and a mint.
00:47I don't understand. He drank from Leonard's glass.
00:49He drank from Leonard's glass. Words he'll be carving into my tombstone.
00:54That's actually my napkin. Oh, this is a nightmare.
00:58Where are you going? To the bar to sterilize my mouth with alcohol.
01:02Gangway, dead man walking.
01:06Finally.
01:21Oh, what fresh hell is this? Wait, you can't leave here. You've been exposed.
01:28No, I haven't. It's all good.
01:40Mountain elf.
01:45He takes the elf from off the shelf.
01:50Hell hounds.
01:52Hell hounds who let the satanic dogs out.
01:58A colossal serpent.
02:00I got a colossal serpent right here.
02:06Must you?
02:07Sorry, I'm just trying to cheer my buddy up.
02:11Rotting zombie.
02:13Sheldon's new Facebook photo.
02:21Xandor, wizard of the north. Ha, I win.
02:24You skipped the part about being under a two-week
02:26quarantine because you were exposed to a deadly disease? Absolutely.
02:31What you doing there? Working on a new plan to catch the roadrunner?
02:36The humorous implication being that I am Wile E. Coyote?
02:41Yes.
02:42And this is a schematic for a bird trapping device that will ultimately backfire and cause me
02:47physical injury?
02:50Yes.
02:55Okay, what I'm doing here is trying to determine when I'm going to die.
03:01A lot of people are working on that research.
03:05So what is all this?
03:06My family history factoring in longevity, propensity for disease, etc.
03:11Interesting. Cause of death for Uncle Carl was KBB. What's KBB?
03:16Killed by badger.
03:20How's that?
03:22It was Thanksgiving. Uncle Carl said,
03:25I think there's a badger living in our chimney. Hand me that flashlight.
03:31Those were the last words he ever spoke to us.
03:34What about your pedometer?
03:35Don't have one.
03:36Do you have telematics in your shoes connected to an iPod?
03:38Uh, no.
03:39What do you do? You just go out there and gamble about like a bunny?
03:44No, I just run till I'm hungry and then I stop for a bear claw.
03:52Why are you doing that?
03:53It's good to stretch your muscles before you run.
03:56All right.
03:56All right, let's start with a toe touch.
04:06Okay, you do it.
04:08I am doing it.
04:11Oh, wow. Good job. Okay, um, can you do this?
04:18We'll never know.
04:18Okay, let's just, uh, warm up on the run.
04:22Okay.
04:22Okay, let's go.
04:23Yeah, I've been reading up on biomechanics. I think you'll be surprised at my-
04:31Oh my god, are you okay?
04:32I think so.
04:33Let me help you up.
04:38Oh, Sheldon!
04:41If it makes you feel any better, Thursday is no longer cruciferous vegetable night.
04:45Together in this car with my enhanced capabilities, we're like Knight Rider.
04:52Except in Knight Rider, the car isn't a yammering sphincter.
04:57You mock the sphincter, but the sphincter is a class of muscle
05:01without which human beings couldn't survive.
05:07There are over 50 different sphincters in the human body.
05:11How many can you name?
05:13I was wrong. This is exactly like Knight Rider.
05:17Perhaps you'd be interested in a different game.
05:20No!
05:21This is a photograph of the 1911 Solvay Conference on the theory of radiation and quanta.
05:27Using Photoshop, I've introduced a few anachronisms.
05:30See if you can spot all 24.
05:33I'll give you the first one.
05:35Madam Curie should not be wearing a digital watch.
05:39And go.
05:43That's it. Bye-bye.
05:49Bazinga!
05:52I have an override switch.
05:55I almost died.
05:56And I'm safe and sound in bed. Who's crazy now?
06:01I'm still gonna go with you.
06:11Surprise.
06:13Mom, what an unexpected pleasure.
06:15My, my, that's a powerful smell.
06:19I'd like you to meet Oppenheimer, Frisch, Panofsky, Feynman, Weiskopf.
06:25Yeah, I get it. You got a lot of cats and you gave them cute Jewish names.
06:30Cats make wonderful companions.
06:33They don't argue or question my intellectual authority.
06:37And this little guy here, I think you'll find to be quite zazzy.
06:43You should have called sooner.
06:56You said I could buy a desk.
06:58This isn't a desk. This is a Brobdingnagian monstrosity.
07:04Is that the American idiom for giant big-ass desk?
07:09It's actually British.
07:11Can you say it again for me?
07:13Brobdingnagian.
07:14One more time?
07:15Brobdingnagian.
07:18Now three times fast.
07:19Brobdingnagian, Brobdingnagian.
07:24How did you even get it in here?
07:26That's for me, Ramon, Julio, Jesus, and Rodrigo to know and you to find out.
07:33All right, you've made your point.
07:35A fine prank, very amusing.
07:38Now get it out.
07:41No.
07:42Yes.
07:43No.
07:43Yes.
07:44No.
07:44Yes!
07:45I have three brothers and two sisters, Sheldon. I can do this all day.
07:49All right, if you're not going to remove it, I'll remove it for you.
07:53Knock yourself out.
08:07Help me move my desk.
08:09No.
08:09Yes.
08:10No.
08:11It's too Brobdingnagian.
08:14The hidden reality takes on a grand question.
08:18Is our universe the only universe?
08:21You see, there's a growing belief among scientists like me
08:24that ours may only be one among many universes populating a gigantic cosmos.
08:30In the hidden reality, I explore this possibility without
08:33presuming any knowledge of mathematics or physics on the part of the reader.
08:38Hysterical.
08:41I'm glad you talked me into this.
08:43We work so hard.
08:44Sometimes it's nice to goof off and do something silly.
08:47Agreed.
08:48Yeah, wait till you hear how he dumbs down Werner Heisenberg for the crowd.
08:51You may actually believe you're in a comedy club.
08:55You can think about Heisenberg's uncertainty principle much like the
08:58special order menu that you find in certain Chinese restaurants
09:01where you have dishes in column A and other dishes in column B.
09:05And if you order the first dish in column A,
09:06you can't order the corresponding dish in column B.
09:09That's sort of like the uncertainty principle.
09:13Ba-dum-bum.
09:15Nice shot.
09:19My father taught me archery as a child.
09:27It's odd how the activity brings back the smell of Kmart bourbon.
09:33Perfect.
09:33I know.
09:36What an elf I would have made.
09:39Woo.
09:41What do you think you're doing?
09:42Shooting at a target.
09:44With what?
09:45An arrow.
09:46Really?
09:46I didn't see you draw one from your quiver.
09:50I'm not gonna do that, Sheldon.
09:52Leonard, the people at Nintendo can only go so far
09:55in helping us recreate an actual athletic experience.
09:59We have to do our part too.
10:00That was uncalled for, but I'll play along.
10:04Ow.
10:05Leonard, are you in the shower?
10:07I can't hear you, I'm in the shower.
10:10I asked if you were in the shower, but that's moot now.
10:14What?
10:16Moot.
10:17Rendered unimportant by recent events.
10:20I can't hear you, I'm in the shower.
10:25I asked if you were in the shower, but that's moot now.
10:28What?
10:29I have to skip the chit-chat. Emergency.
10:33What kind of emergency?
10:35Mathematical. 32-ounce banana smoothie, 16-ounce bladder.
10:39You might not want to do that.
10:42Why, sure you I do.
10:44Sheldon, I'm not alone in here.
10:47What?
10:49Hello, Sheldon.
10:51What are you doing in there? She can't be in here.
10:54We were in here first. You can't be in here.
10:57According to the roommate agreement, paragraph 9, subsection B,
11:00the right to bathroom privacy is suspended in the event of force majeure.
11:04And believe me, I'm experiencing a very majeure force.
11:09Come on, you can't wait two minutes.
11:12Leonard, let the men be.
11:19Penny. Penny. Penny.
11:23What?
11:25Move. Move. Move.
11:28I think I can handle it.
11:30Top of her class. Cambridge University.
11:33License to practice law in three countries and your face.
11:42All right. Based on a cursory reading,
11:45it doesn't look like you have much of a case, Sheldon.
11:48Do so, do so.
11:51Oh, I'm afraid not.
11:53Paragraph 7 here, on the right to enter the bathroom in emergency situations,
11:57is not specific as to what constitutes an emergency.
12:00That's ridiculous. A bathroom emergency is self-explanatory.
12:04Is it? If Leonard forgot to trim his nose hair,
12:07could he barge in while you were showering?
12:09Irrelevant. Leonard doesn't trim his nose hair.
12:11He thinks because he's short, nobody can see up there.
12:18My point is, Sheldon, the legal principle is
12:21that ambiguity in a contract benefits the party that did not draft it.
12:24In this case, Leonard. So much for count one.
12:27But there's no but, Sheldon. That's how the law works.
12:30Schooled.
12:36As for the shower capacity issue, I cite addendum J.
12:40When Sheldon showers second,
12:42any and all measures shall be taken to ensure an adequate supply of hot water.
12:46I believe this supersedes the occupancy issue.
12:49Conceded.
12:53Tonight is pizza night. I'd like to refer that to my attorney.
12:59According to what I see here, Thursday nights are Franconi's pizza night.
13:03Yes, and when Franconi's went out of business, we switched to Graziano's.
13:07That's interesting. Can you just switch restaurants like that, Priya?
13:14Good question, Howard.
13:16Turns out you can't.
13:18According to the document you drew up, Sheldon,
13:20the selection of a new take-out restaurant requires public hearings
13:23and a 60-day comment period.
13:25Were those criteria met?
13:34No.
13:41This is Greek food? Leonard, you hate Greek food.
13:44Not as much as you.
13:49Shake it, baby, shake it!
13:51Moi kaliente, Sheldon!
13:55Care to dance?
13:57Oh, sorry. I'm engaged.
14:01How about you?
14:03Oh, what the hell?
14:05I'm engaged.
14:07I'm engaged.
14:09I'm engaged.
14:11I'm engaged.
14:13I'm engaged.
14:15I'm engaged.
14:18Ooh!
14:34Good news.
14:36I finally have a handle on my idea for three-person chess.
14:40That is good news. Bye.
14:43Do you know how I solved the balance center combat area problem?
14:47Five words.
14:49Transitional quadrilateral to triangular tessellation.
14:54That's brilliant.
14:56It's what I do.
14:58But wait, there's more.
15:00I also invented two new chess pieces.
15:03The serpent...
15:05and the old woman.
15:09Okay, now I have to ask, what do they do?
15:11When the serpent slithers to an opposing player's piece,
15:14that piece is considered poisoned and will die after two more moves.
15:22All right.
15:24Unless it gets to the old woman in time,
15:27in which case she sucks out the poison,
15:30turning her into the grand empress.
15:36A piece combining the power of the knight, queen, and serpent.
15:41Elegant. That's because it's simple.
15:44I was proposing you massage your muscles with your own hands.
15:47Still sounds like a lot of unnecessary touching.
15:50Trust me.
15:52With your right hand, locate the spot where the scapula meets the acromion process.
15:58All right.
15:59Now push your third finger along the ridge of the shoulder blade,
16:02making a small rotation as you do so.
16:05Rotating.
16:07You should feel a small node-like object rolling back and forth along the bone.
16:11You mean the myofascial point?
16:13Obviously.
16:16Now bear down on it like the seventh-grade noogies we all know too well.
16:22Oh, dear Lord.
16:24Yes. Yes. Oh, yes.
16:28Amy, I've never been touched like this before.
16:32Oh, my hands are magic.
16:37Don't flatter yourself.
16:38Your hands are blunt tools guided by my knowledge of the nervous system.
16:42I could just as easily have paralyzed you.
16:45And Tara Banks says the most important item in your makeup bag is a good night's sleep.
16:53All right.
16:54This is a form
16:57indemnifying me from your use of Leonard's bedroom.
17:02Sign here indicating that I tried to stop you
17:05and did so using a stern facial expression.
17:13Good night, children.
17:14Wait, not yet. We still have to go over safety procedures.
17:16Now, the apartment has three emergency exits located here, here, and here.
17:22In the event of a power outage, luminous paint will guide you to the nearest exit.
17:28You're kidding.
17:36I never kid about safety.
17:39Stumpling.
17:40Oh, me.
17:41Here's a penny.
17:42A moment.
17:43We just had Thai food.
17:45In that culture, the last morsel is called the grangie piece,
17:49and it is reserved for the most important and valued member of the group.
18:00Thank you all for this high honor.
18:02Thank you all for this high honor.
18:07I've seen pictures of your mother. Keep eating.
18:15Leonard.
18:17Check it out.
18:18I bought an Engage locomotive, half the size of HO.
18:22Look, it fits in my mouth.
18:26Sounds like you had a great night.
18:28I did.
18:30How was yours?
18:31Not bad. I had a lot more fun with Amy than I thought I would.
18:34What exactly do you mean by that?
18:36Turns out she really knows how to help a guy loosen up and have a good time.
18:40Although, truth be told, my groin's a little worse for wear.
18:50Why'd you do that?
18:51To send a message. She is not for you.
18:55What?
18:56Not for you.
19:00One moment.
19:01I'm conducting an experiment.
19:04With Dungeons and Dragons dice?
19:07Yes.
19:08From here on in, I've decided to make all trivial decisions with a throw of the dice,
19:13thus freeing up my mind to do what it does best,
19:16enlighten and amaze.
19:20Page 14, item 7.
19:24So, what's for dinner?
19:26A side of corn succotash.
19:30Interesting.
19:32Howard, can I see you for a minute, please?
19:34I don't want to show any more of your friends how I can fit in the booster seats.
19:40No, that's not it. Just come with me, please.
19:44Let's see what I'll be washing that succotash down with.
19:50A pitcher of margaritas.
19:55Do you really want that?
19:56That's the great thing. It doesn't matter.
19:58My mind is freed up to think about more important things.
20:03What's it thinking about now?
20:05Hamburgers and lemonade.
20:10Mustache is looking good there, Sheldon.
20:16And don't thank me. Thank the dice.
20:18They told me what percentage of my face to shave.
20:21Why are you still doing this?
20:23Because it's working.
20:24In the past few weeks, unburdened by trivial decisions,
20:27I've co-authored two papers in notable peer-reviewed journals,
20:31and I'm close to figuring out why the Large Hadron Collider
20:34has yet to isolate the Higgs boson particle.
20:37You left out gut-shaped testicles because you no longer wear underpants.
20:45The dice giveth and the dice taketh away.
20:47Next to the dungeon is a moss-covered door.
20:50You managed to open it, only to find yourself face-to-face
20:53with a hideous, foul-smelling, moss-covered ogre.
20:57What do you do?
20:59I say, hey, Ma, what's for dinner?
21:05Seventeen.
21:07The ogre is amused by your joke and allows you to pass.
21:11Goodbye, Dubai. I liked it, too.
21:16How go the wedding plans, Howard?
21:17Great.
21:18Spent five hours last night at Macy's registering for gifts.
21:21Looks like I'm finally going to have that darling little
21:23earthenware asparagus dish I've always wanted.
21:26See, this is the good thing about having a girlfriend 9,000 miles away.
21:30I can spend my nights doing whatever I want.
21:32You mean like playing nerd games with us,
21:34and then taking a suspiciously long shower?
21:40Maybe.
21:43We enter the dungeon.
21:45You see a dragon.
21:48Really? So we're playing Dungeons and Dragons,
21:50and we walk into a dungeon and see a dragon?
21:54Isn't that a little on the nose?
21:56When you play chutes and ladders,
21:58do you complain about all the chutes and all the ladders?
22:01Oh, I see you guys have found my little treasure.
22:04Yeah, it's okay, I guess.
22:06It's okay? It's magnificent.
22:08Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba.
22:12What do you want for it?
22:13What do you want for it?
22:14Well, it's hard to put a price on something
22:16that's a copy of something that was on pay cable.
22:20For my friends, let's say $250?
22:22Oh, that's pretty steep.
22:24Well, it's a limited edition.
22:26They only made 8,000 of these bad boys.
22:29It's only 8,000? We're wasting precious time. Buy it.
22:33Hang on.
22:35Can you do any better?
22:36Are you kidding? I'm already giving you the friends and family discount.
22:39Don't you hear that? We're getting the friends and family discount.
22:42We are honored and we will take it.
22:45Slow down.
22:46$200.
22:47What are you doing? $250 is already the discounted price.
22:50Will you shut up?
22:51Tell you what, I'll go $235.
22:53Nope. Maybe another time.
22:54Okay, $225 is my final offer.
22:56Take it, take it.
23:00$200.
23:01Man, you're killing me.
23:02I'm killing you. I can't breathe.
23:06$210 and I'm losing money.
23:08Oh, no, we can't let him lose money, Leonard. I'm so sorry.
23:12$210 and you throw in the Iron Man helmet.
23:14Are you crazy? That helmet's signed by Robert Downey Jr.
23:17So?
23:19Okay, if you're going to question the importance of an actor's signature on a plastic helmet from a movie based on a comic book,
23:24then all of our lives have no meaning.
23:32Okay, fine. Just the sword. $210.
23:35Thank you. I can eat meat this week.
23:39See that? I just saved us $40.
23:41I've long said what you lack in academic knowledge, you make up for in street smarts.
23:46You want me to wrap it?
23:47No, it's okay. I'm going to stab my friend in the chest.
23:50Stan, what difference does it make if Leonard goes to Wil Wheaton's party?
23:53No, Wil Wheaton is Sheldon's mortal enemy.
23:56Mortal enemy?
23:57Mm-hmm.
23:58Sheldon, I know you're a bit of a left-handed monkey wrench, but...
24:02You really have a mortal enemy?
24:04In fact, I have 61 of them.
24:08Would you like to see the list?
24:09Oh, say no, say no, say no, say no.
24:12You just got off the list. Would you like back on it?
24:17Just take a moment. It's on a five and a quarter inch floppy.
24:28A floppy disk?
24:29I started the list when I was nine.
24:33How did Wil Wheaton get on the list?
24:36What's up?
24:38It just occurred to me that I never formally congratulated you on your pending nuptials,
24:43so I hopped on the first bus and high-tailed it down here to shake your hand.
24:47You put her there, you old so-and-so.
24:51Well, I'm going to see you at work in 12 hours.
24:54Don't you think you could have waited until then?
24:58Holy smoke, why didn't I think of that?
25:00You're a better man than I, Howard Wolowitz.
25:02You put her there, you son of a gun.
25:05Whatever.
25:13Oh my God, Howie! What did you do?
25:16It was a harmless Halloween prank, look.
25:19Howard has a heart condition, you know that?
25:22I thought he made that up.
25:24Isn't hypochondria a common idiosyncrasy of Jewish people?
25:27Jewish people?
25:32This is adrenaline. We're going to have to inject it into his heart.
25:35We are?
25:36You are. I'm not strong enough to get it through his chest plate and we've only got one shot.
25:41Oh no, I can't.
25:44Hurry, we're running out of time.
25:47Okay.
25:48Just do it.
25:49Oh God.
25:50One, two, three.
25:54Trick or treat, bubbla.
25:56What?
25:59No, you mean this was all a ruse?
26:02How could I be so stupid?
26:08Oh, bother.
26:10Isn't that just always the way?
26:12You go to staple something and you're out of staples.
26:14Gosh, wish I'd known that earlier today when I was at Staples.
26:20You ever think of paperclips right there?
26:23Well, no, no. I need something more permanent to join these papers.
26:27Say, don't you keep staples in your top desk drawer?
26:32I don't know, maybe.
26:34Be a lamb and check.
26:38Alright.
26:42Who do we have here?
26:46It's a snake. A terrifying snake.
26:49Oh, did some bad man put us in a drawer?
26:54Stop talking like that. You've been rendered speechless by fear.
26:59Let's go to the biology lab and find you some nice yummy mice.
27:06I tried to scare an Indian with a snake.
27:10Come on, Cooper, you're better than this.
27:11Be sure to check the mail.
27:13How many times are you going to tell me? What's with you?
27:15Nothing.
27:16It's not suspicious that I'm fixating. It's consistent with my personality.
27:21Right.
27:22Hey, guys.
27:23More Halloween candy? Didn't you just buy a bunch of it yesterday?
27:26Oh, yeah, that's gone.
27:30It's a rough month when Halloween and PMS hit at the same time.
27:35Leonard doesn't have time to chat. He has to get the mail.
27:38Will you relax? I'll get it in a minute.
27:40Hey, how was work?
27:41Open the mail.
27:43Excuse me.
27:47A couple of circulars. Nothing important.
27:51What's with him?
27:52Hang on.
28:04You might be from Texas, but I'm from New Jersey.
28:08You might be from Texas, but I'm from New Jersey.
28:19Bazinga, punk. Now we're even.
28:22I'm going to ask you something, and I'd like you to keep an open mind.
28:25Always.
28:27At this moment, I find myself craving human intimacy and physical contact.
28:31Oh, boy.
28:34You know ours is a relationship of the mind.
28:39Proposal.
28:40One wild night of torrid lovemaking that soothes my soul and inflames my loins.
28:49Counter-proposal.
28:52I will gently stroke your head and repeat,
28:57Aw, who's a good Amy?
28:59How about this?
29:01French kissing.
29:03Seven minutes in heaven culminating in second base.
29:10Neck massage.
29:15Then you get me that beverage.
29:18We cuddle. Final offer.
29:22Very well.
29:30Oh, boy.
29:37I'm sorry.
29:40I'm sorry.
29:42I'm sorry.
29:44I'm sorry.
29:46I'm sorry.
30:05I'm just saying second base is right there.
30:07And your bird death ray is ready.
30:09It's not a death ray. It's just a little ultrasonic blast to scare him off.
30:14Trust me, if I had a death ray, I wouldn't be living here.
30:17I'd be in my lair enjoying the money the people of Earth gave me for not using my death ray.
30:23All right, and in three, two, one.
30:35That is one tough birdie.
30:45This is ridiculous.
30:51I'm a grown man from Texas.
30:53This isn't a terrifying bird like a swan or a goose.
30:58It's just a blue jay.
31:06That's a pretty big blue jay.
31:15One, two, three.
31:20Go.
31:21Shoot.
31:22I am a great bird man.
31:25Bird in the apartment. Bird in the apartment.
31:28No.
31:31He looks friendly.
31:33He is.
31:35He is.
31:37He is.
31:39He is.
31:41He is.
31:42He is.
31:43He looks friendly.
31:44I think he might be someone's pet.
31:46No, Bernadette, don't be a hero.
31:49Aw, he's a sweetie.
31:51Yes, he's very sweet.
31:53Now, slowly and carefully, flush him down the toilet.
32:02Sheldon, the only way to get past this fear is to interact with it.
32:05Just like you did with the mailman.
32:09Every year, tens of people around the world are killed by birds.
32:13I'm not going to be another statistic.
32:16Look how sweet he is. Come over and say hi.
32:24Come on. You can do it.
32:27Don't be scared.
32:32Oh, just pet the bird, you big baby.
32:41I did it.
32:44I actually did it.
32:47Okay, now flush him.
32:49Who do we love?
32:50Penny.
32:51Who do we love?
32:52Penny.
32:53Who do we love?
32:54Penny.
32:56Hello, Sheldon. Come on in.
32:59What's up?
33:00I came to ask if you would like to go on a date with me.
33:07Sorry, what?
33:09A date. You and me.
33:11Dining. Dancing.
33:13Perhaps you'd like to take in a prize fight?
33:17God, are you trying to make Amy jealous?
33:20No.
33:21Why is everyone so obsessed with Amy and Stuart?
33:24And whether or not they may be having more pumpkin lattes or intercourse tonight.
33:30Okay, listen to me.
33:31Playing games is not going to help get Amy back.
33:34I am not trying to get her back.
33:36But out of curiosity, what is a way?
33:40Alright, honey, let me tell you a story.
33:42There was a guy I liked and I never told him how I felt.
33:45Eventually he started going out with someone else and I always regretted it.
33:49Do you see where I'm going with this?
33:52I believe I do.
33:54I'm the guy.
34:00You're not the guy.
34:02Are you sure?
34:03I would explain so much.
34:05That constant presence in my apartment.
34:07That baffling dalliance with Leonard just to be near me.
34:10The way you call me sweetie all the time.
34:13I call everyone sweetie.
34:15You tramp.
34:19Look, Sheldon, all I'm saying is strap on a pair and go talk to Amy.
34:23Strap on a pair?
34:24Of what? Skates?
34:29Oh, sweetie, you are so not the guy.
34:32Pardon me.
34:34Pardon me.
34:35Excuse me.
34:36Hi, Stuart.
34:37Hi, Sheldon.
34:38Pardon me.
34:44Sheldon, what are you doing here?
34:46The thought of you sitting in a darkened theater with a character like Stuart is repellent.
34:54No offense, Stuart.
34:55None taken.
34:57Although repellent is kind of a strong word.
35:04I'm sorry this causes you discomfort, but based on the currently established parameters of our relationship,
35:10I can put myself in any repellent situation I want.
35:14Again, Stuart, please, you're being rude.
35:19Anything else?
35:22I believe I would like to alter the paradigm of our relationship.
35:30I'm listening.
35:32With the understanding that nothing changes whatsoever, physical or otherwise,
35:38I would not object to us no longer characterizing you as not my girlfriend.
35:53Interesting. Now try it without the quadruple negative.
35:58You're being impossible.
36:02Hi, Stuart.
36:06Fine.
36:09Amy,
36:12will you be my girlfriend?
36:22Yes.
36:23That's enough of that.
36:26Sorry to interrupt.
36:27You two enjoy your date.
36:29Here's a dollar for your troubles. Get yourself some Sour Patch Kids.
36:34Good thing I drew this up.
36:36What's that?
36:37I present to you the Relationship Agreement.
36:44A binding covenant that in its 31 pages enumerates, iterates, and codifies
36:49the rights and responsibilities of Sheldon Lee Cooper, here and after known as The Boyfriend,
36:54and Amy Farrah Fowler, here and after known as The Girlfriend.
37:01It's so romantic.
37:05Mutual indemnification always is.
37:10Why don't you start perusing while I set up my notary stamp?
37:16Section 5, Handholding.
37:18Handholding is only allowed under the following circumstances.
37:21A. Either party is in danger of falling off a cliff, precipice, or ledge.
37:26B. Either party is deserving of a hearty handshake after winning a Nobel Prize.
37:31C. Moral support during flu shots.
37:37Seems a bit restrictive.
37:38Yeah, yeah. Feel free to retain a lawyer.
37:45The first 43 parallel universes I've checked prove to be empty.
37:50I see no reason to suspect universe number 44 will be any different.
38:01Oh my holy crap!
38:11Ow! It's hitting my face!
38:13Ah, it's hitting his face!
38:16Ah!
38:18What the hell are you doing?
38:21You said I'm not using my space, so I'm using it.
38:30Okay, you need to move now.
38:31No, I don't.
38:33But you can't stay there forever.
38:35Actually, I have a plastic baggie strapped to my leg that says I can.
38:40Give up, Wolowitz.
38:41You've chosen to tangle with a superior intellect you can't defeat.
38:45There is nothing you could possibly do to...
38:56Those aren't going to help you, Sheldon.
38:58Oh yes they are. I mean, why?
39:02I'm warning you, Sheldon.
39:03Your threats are empty.
39:05Nothing can move me.
39:07Stop it!
39:08Get out of my spot!
39:09No, that's it. I am calling campus security.
39:13You prepare for the scolding of your life.
39:16What are you idiots doing?
39:18He's trying to kill me, Leonard.
39:20Video games and rock music have desensitized him to violence.
39:25Would you please talk some sense into your lunatic roommate?
39:28You're both acting like lunatics. It's just a parking spot.
39:31It's not just a parking spot.
39:33You're both acting like lunatics. It's just a parking spot.
39:36It's not just a parking spot.
39:37He can't handle the fact that I'm a bigger deal than he is now.
39:40Yeah, oh, preposterous.
39:42I have been solely responsible for this university's six-loop quantum gravity calculations.
39:47I have changed the way we think about Bose-Einstein condensates.
39:50And I am also the one who got Nutter Butters in the cafeteria vending machine.
39:56Maybe you missed that news while you were floating around like a goof in outer space.
40:01Now, if you'll excuse me, I have work to do.
40:05Can you believe this guy?
40:07What I don't believe is that you tried to run him over.
40:09Oh, like you've never thought of doing that.
40:13Don't hate me just because I lived the dream.
40:18Hey, sweet ride.
40:24What are you doing in there?
40:25Just breaking in your new car.
40:31Stop that. You stop that.
40:33You know what they say. Revenge is a dish best served nude.
40:37I know she loves playing the harp.
40:39So, I found this beautiful music box that plays one of her favorite songs.
40:48Now, Amy already has a real harp.
40:52And it can play any song.
40:55What are you trying to pull here?
40:58No, I just thought it would be...
40:59Next.
41:02Okay.
41:04I know she's a fan of the Canterbury Tales.
41:06So, I found this cool map that illustrates the character's journey through England.
41:13I thought we could put it in a really nice frame.
41:16But she's got Google Maps on her phone.
41:23I don't know how to respond to that.
41:26Well, I hope it's with a third good option, because these first two...
41:34Okay. Well, luckily, I saved the best for last.
41:38Since Amy's a neuroscientist, I did some research and found out that Santiago Ramon y Cajal,
41:43the father of modern neuroscience, did lots of hand drawings of brain cells.
41:48And I managed to find this signed print.
41:54Wow.
41:56Oh, this is truly remarkable.
42:00I think I'll keep it for myself.
42:06What about your girlfriend?
42:07It's too late. I called dibs.
42:09It's really you.
42:15Mr. Jeffries, I am so sorry. We should have told you about the broken elevator.
42:20I agree.
42:23Professor Proton, it's an honor to meet you.
42:26Just call me Arthur.
42:29Leonard.
42:32Did you hear that?
42:33Professor Proton said I should call him Arthur.
42:36That means we're friends.
42:39No, a friend would have told me about the elevator.
42:47Look at me.
42:49I can get as close to you as I want without my mom saying it's going to ruin my eyes.
42:57Is he dangerous?
43:01Actually, he's a genius.
43:04I am.
43:07That doesn't answer my question.
43:11Mr. Jeffries, I'm Leonard. This is my girlfriend, Penny.
43:14Hi.
43:15Hello.
43:17Well, I hope I haven't kept the kids waiting too long for the show.
43:23Oh, no, there are no kids. No, the show's for me.
43:27Come on. Aratia.
43:30Arthur.
43:36Is the blonde girl really your girlfriend?
43:39Yes, sir.
43:40You're the genius.
43:42Is the blonde girl really your girlfriend?
43:44Yes, sir.
43:45You're the genius.
43:48Would you like to hear a classic Sheldon Cooper factoid?
43:52What do you think?
43:53Great.
43:55I've been doing some reading about vehicular safety.
43:59Did you know that the highest number of drowning accidents happen on or around boats?
44:07Interesting that you would bring that up when I might go work on a boat.
44:11That's the thing about factoids. They're interesting.
44:16I know what you're doing.
44:18You don't want me going on this research trip because you're afraid to be alone.
44:22Well, I'm not afraid to be alone.
44:24On land.
44:27On the sea, it would be terrifying.
44:32Because of all the drowning.
44:35Sheldon.
44:36Fine, no more drowning talk. I'll change the subject.
44:40Who do you think would win in a fight?
44:43You or a shark?
44:48Look, I appreciate your signature blend of concern for me and incredible selfishness.
44:54If I get the chance to do this, there's nothing you can say that's going to stop me.
44:59Very well.
45:02Things between you and Penny have never been better.
45:05I hope four months apart doesn't change anything.
45:10I should have opened with that, huh?
45:15This cushion experienced a nude revenge wiggle.
45:21A what?
45:23A naked man sat on it.
45:25Now, here's my concern.
45:27His diet is rich in fatty deli meats.
45:31What tests do you have to detect lipid residue?
45:35What tests do you have to detect lipid residue?
45:39Lipid what?
45:42Lipid residue.
45:44An anal autograph.
45:47A colon calling card, if you will.
45:53Tuesday okay.
45:56Now, don't rush it. We may be dealing with befoulment on a molecular level.
46:00Why hasn't Stephen Hawking played a word?
46:04The guy's a genius. Maybe you weren't challenging enough for him.
46:07Not challenging. I was humiliating the man.
46:10Yeah, I was thinking of writing a book called
46:12A Brief History of the Time I Made Stephen Hawking Cry Like a Little Girl.
46:17Here's the problem.
46:19You can't beat Hawking like that. He hates to lose.
46:22Everyone knows the guy's a big baby.
46:24I mean, forget the wheelchair. He should be in a stroller.
46:30Really?
46:31Really?
46:32One time, when I was working with him,
46:34he said that Johnny Depp was in The Matrix.
46:37I told him he was wrong, but he kept insisting,
46:40so I looked it up online and showed him.
46:42Well, the next day, he had a pizza party,
46:45and everyone got invited but me.
46:50And then he was all,
46:51Your invitation must have gotten lost in The Matrix.
46:56Good Lord, what have I done?
46:59Good Lord, what have I done?
47:05Terrible.
47:08All right, hotshot, let's hear your Indian.
47:10I can't sit on that elephant.
47:12My ass is on fire from eating all this curry.
47:19Okay, yeah, that's pretty good.
47:22Okay, yeah, that's pretty good.
47:25Let me see if I have this straight.
47:28You two are physicists,
47:32and you want me to do a children's science show.
47:40Yes.
47:42And if there's time,
47:43take 12 pictures with us in seasonal clothing.
47:52You know, I'm a real scientist.
47:54I have a Ph.D. from Cornell University.
47:58Yeah, that's great.
47:59Did you bring your puppet?
48:02No, no.
48:05I hate that puppet.
48:09Oh, no.
48:11How could anybody hate Geno the Neutrino?
48:16It's nice, huh?
48:18I got him for 20 bucks on eBay.
48:20Including his shipping!
48:26I'm awake, right?
48:32This is happening.
48:34Well, here we are.
48:36Yep.
48:38Really gonna miss you.
48:40Gonna miss you, too.
48:42Penny, we're in the red zone.
48:44The white zone is for loading and unloading.
48:48We're breaking the law.
48:51Okay, there's no space in the white zone, so...
48:53Anyway, we can email,
48:56and I think the phone connections are pretty good.
48:58All right, you have to get out of the car right now.
48:59I'm not going to jail for you.
49:01Can't you just relax?
49:02Oh, I see a space in the white zone.
49:04Quick, circle the airport.
49:07Did you bring enough inhalers?
49:09Yeah.
49:10And extra Dramamine?
49:11You remember what happened on It's a Small World.
49:15No, I'm covered.
49:16Okay.
49:17Oh, Lord, a police officer's glancing in our direction.
49:19We've been made.
49:23Calm down, I'm getting out.
49:25I have something I want to give you.
49:27Oh, Leonard.
49:28All right, it's just a heart-shaped lock
49:29with a picture of Leonard's face in it.
49:30You got them all on clearance.
49:31Now move, move, move!
49:35I love you.
49:37I love you, too.
49:42Don't worry, officer.
49:43They just love each other.
49:45How about smuggling frogs?
49:49I've never played Dungeons and Dragons with girls before.
49:52Oh, don't worry, sweetie.
49:53No one has.
49:58So, what do you say?
50:01I'll leave it up to the Dungeon Master.
50:05A satanic fungus that looks suspiciously like Al Pacino
50:11rises from the forest floor and says,
50:14You're playing D&D.
50:17You're playing D&D.
50:19This whole apartment
50:23is playing D&D.
50:29What are you doing in our dungeon?
50:34You shall die.
50:38Okay, literal goosebumps.
50:40Look.
50:42What do you do?
50:43I draw my broadsword.
50:45I ready my quarterstaff.
50:46I drink my potion.
50:50I say we attack the big one.
50:52You know what?
50:53Give me the dice.
50:54I want to roll.
50:55The Dungeon Master is supposed to roll.
50:56Yeah, well, I'm supposed to be in Vegas
50:57throwing up on a shrimp buffet.
50:59No, give it.
51:02All right, what do I need?
51:04Fifteen or higher.
51:06Fifteen's the point.
51:07The point is fifteen.
51:08Give the little lady some room.
51:09It's coming out.
51:11Sixteen!
51:15Oh, please tell me we're playing for money.
51:18Oh, even better than money.
51:19You gained experience points.
51:23More potion, please.
51:24Yeah.
51:25Anything I can get for you?
51:27Some apple juice?
51:29Some Jell-O?
51:30No, no, thank you.
51:31But I do have a favorite to ask.
51:35Name it.
51:36Well, I'm booked to do a children's party tomorrow,
51:39and frankly, I don't feel up to it.
51:43No, you're not.
51:45You look awful.
51:53Anyway, I mean, you know my act better than anybody.
51:58I was hoping that maybe you'd fill in for me.
52:03Are you saying that you want me to be Professor Proton?
52:07Yeah.
52:08Oh, my!
52:10What an honor.
52:12Oh, this is like being asked to ascend Mount Olympus
52:15and dine with the gods.
52:18Or a Korean family in Alhambra.