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FunTranscript
00:00How come you didn't go into work today?
00:02I'm taking a sabbatical, because I won't kowtow to mediocre minds.
00:06So you got canned, huh?
00:09Theoretical physicists do not get canned.
00:12But yeah.
00:15Maybe it's all for the best. You know, I always say when one door closes, another one opens.
00:19No, it doesn't.
00:22Not unless the two doors are connected by relays or there are motion sensors involved.
00:26No, no, I meant-
00:27The idea of first door closing creates a change of air pressure that acts upon the second door.
00:32Never mind.
00:35Slow down. Slow down. Please, slow down.
00:38We're fine!
00:40You're not leaving yourself enough space between cars.
00:42Oh, sure I am.
00:44No, no, let me do the math for you.
00:46This car weighs, let's say, 4,000 pounds.
00:48Now add 140 for me, 120 for you.
00:50120?
00:52Oh, I'm sorry. Did I insult you?
00:54Is your body mass somehow tied into your self-worth?
00:57Well, yeah.
00:59Interesting.
01:01Anyway, that gives us a total weight of, let's say, 4,400 pounds.
01:03Let's say 4,390.
01:05Fine.
01:07We're traveling forward at, good lord, 51 miles an hour.
01:10Now let's assume that your brakes are new and the calipers are aligned.
01:14Still, by the time we come to a stop,
01:16we'll be occupying the same space as that Buick in front of us.
01:18An impossibility that nature will quickly resolve into death, mutilation, and-
01:22Oh, look! They built a new putt-putt course.
01:24This is great.
01:26Look at me.
01:28I'm in the real world of ordinary people,
01:30just living their ordinary, colorless, workaday lives.
01:34No, thank you.
01:36And thank you, ordinary person.
01:40Hey, you want to hear an interesting thing about tomatoes?
01:42Uh, no, no, not really.
01:44Listen, didn't you say you needed some eggs?
01:46Yes, but anyone who knows anything about the tomatoes
01:48is going to love this.
01:51Didn't you say you needed some eggs?
01:53Yes, but anyone who knows anything about the dynamics of bacterial growth
01:55knows to pick up their refrigerated foods on the way out of the supermarket.
01:57Oh, okay, well, maybe you should start heading on out, then.
02:01No, this is fun.
02:03Oh, the thing about tomatoes,
02:05and I think you'll really enjoy this,
02:07is they're shelved with the vegetables,
02:09but they're technically a fruit.
02:11Oh, interesting.
02:13Isn't it?
02:15No, I mean what you find enjoyable.
02:18Oh, boy.
02:22What now?
02:24Well, there's some value to taking a multivitamin,
02:26but the human body can only absorb so much.
02:28What you're buying here
02:30are the ingredients for very expensive urine.
02:34Well, maybe that's what I was going for.
02:38Well, then you'll want some manganese.
02:40Well, that was fun.
02:42Maybe tomorrow we can go to one of those big warehouse stores.
02:44Oh, I don't know, Sheldon.
02:46It's going to take me a while to recover
02:48from all the fun I had today.
02:50Are you sure?
02:52There are a lot of advantages to buying in bulk.
02:54For example,
02:56I noticed that you purchase your tampons
02:58one month's supply at a time.
03:02What?
03:04Think about it.
03:06It's a product that you buy in bulk,
03:09Think about it.
03:11It's a product that doesn't spoil,
03:13and you're going to be needing them
03:15for at least the next 30 years.
03:17You want me to buy 30 years' worth of tampons?
03:19Well, 30, 35.
03:21When did your mother go into menopause?
03:23Okay.
03:25Do you guys mind if I start?
03:27Um, Penny,
03:29that's where I sit.
03:31Sit next to me.
03:33No, I sit there.
03:35What's the difference?
03:38Here we go.
03:40In the winter, that seat is close enough
03:42to the radiator to remain warm,
03:44and yet not so close as to cause perspiration.
03:46In the summer, it's directly in the path
03:48of a cross breeze created by opening windows
03:50there and there.
03:52It faces the television at an angle
03:54that is neither direct, thus discouraging
03:56conversation, nor so far wide as to create
03:58a parallax distortion.
04:00I could go on, but I think I've made my point.
04:02Do you want me to move?
04:04Well...
04:07Fine.
04:27Sheldon, sit!
04:31Ah, 1935.
04:33Erwin Schrodinger, in an attempt
04:35to explain the Copenhagen interpretation
04:37of quantum physics, he proposed an experiment
04:39where a cat is placed in a box
04:41with a sealed vial of poison
04:43that will break open at a random time.
04:45Now, since no one knows when or if
04:47the poison has been released,
04:49until the box is opened,
04:51the cat can be thought of as both alive
04:53and dead.
04:59I'm sorry, I don't get the point.
05:01Well, of course you don't get it.
05:04You'd have to be psychic to get it,
05:06and there's no such thing as psychic.
05:08Sheldon, what's the point?
05:10Just like Schrodinger's cat,
05:12your potential relationship with Leonard
05:14right now can be thought of as both good
05:16and bad. It is only by opening
05:18the box that you'll find out which it is.
05:20Okay,
05:22so you're saying I should go out with Leonard.
05:24No, no, no, no, no, no.
05:28Let me start again. In 1935...
05:30Erwin Schrodinger...
05:33I have to go out tonight.
05:39I have to go out tonight.
05:45What the hell is that?
05:47I don't know,
05:49but if cats could sing,
05:51they'd hate it too.
05:59You wanna prowl, be my night owl.
06:01Hey guys!
06:03Hi! Where are you going?
06:05What? We just had to
06:07mail some letters
06:09and throw away
06:11some chicken.
06:14What?
06:30You'll never guess what just happened.
06:32I give up. I don't guess.
06:34As a scientist, I reach conclusions based on
06:36observation and experimentation.
06:38Although as I'm saying this, it occurs to me
06:40you may have been employing a rhetorical device,
06:43wondering my response moot.
06:45What was that?
06:47Believe it or not, personal growth.
06:49What happened?
06:51Alright, remember when I auditioned for that workshop production of Rent,
06:53but I didn't get it and I couldn't figure out why?
06:55I have a conclusion based on an observation.
06:57No, you don't.
06:59No, he doesn't.
07:01Well, the girl they picked to play Mimi,
07:03she dropped out and they asked me to replace her.
07:05Oh, congratulations. What a lucky break.
07:07It's not a big deal, just a one-night showcase,
07:09but they invite a lot of casting people and agents,
07:11and I don't.
07:13He doesn't.
07:15It's this Friday at 8. You guys want to come?
07:17No.
07:19Because
07:21Friday we are attending
07:23a symposium on molecular positronium.
07:25I think that's a week from Tuesday at 6.
07:27No, it's this Friday.
07:29At 8.
07:31Oh, too bad.
07:33Well, I gotta get to rehearsal. See you guys.
07:35See ya.
07:37Let's go out tonight.
07:40Excuse me. Do you know anything about this stuff?
07:42I know everything about this stuff.
07:44Okay.
07:46I have my own wholesale flower business
07:48and I want to hook up my computer in the front entrance
07:50with the one in my refrigerated warehouse.
07:52Here, buy this one. Look, it's the one we're getting.
07:54See? Happy guy.
07:56No, no, no. She doesn't want that.
07:58She needs a point-to-point peer network with a range extender.
08:02Which hard drive do I want?
08:04Firewire or USB?
08:06It depends on what bus you have available.
08:10I drive a Chevy Cavalier.
08:14Oh, dear Lord.
08:16Sheldon, we have to go.
08:18Not now, Penny. This poor man needs me.
08:20You hold on. I'll be right with you.
08:22What computer do you have?
08:24And please don't say a white one.
08:28Okay, we don't have that in stock.
08:32But I can special order it for you.
08:34Him.
08:36Excuse me, sir.
08:39You don't work here.
08:41Yes, well, apparently neither does anyone else.
08:45Sheldon, we have to go.
08:47Why?
08:49Well, for one thing, we're late for Leonard's birthday party,
08:51and for another, I told him to call security.
08:53Good luck.
08:57By the way, a six-year-old could hack your computer system.
08:59Keep walking.
09:01One, two, three, four is not a secure password.
09:03Okay, let me guess. Quesadilla with soy cheese
09:05for the lactose-intolerant Leonard.
09:08Shrimp Caesar salad with no almonds
09:10for the highly allergic, kosher-only-on-the-high-holidays Howard.
09:14And for our suddenly-back-on-the-Hindu-wagon Raj,
09:16meat-lover's pizza, no meat.
09:20Coming right up.
09:22Wait, excuse me.
09:24You forgot my barbecue bacon cheeseburger,
09:26barbecue sauce, bacon, and cheese on the side.
09:28Oh, I didn't tell you?
09:30You're banished from the Cheesecake Factory.
09:32Why?
09:34Well, you have three strikes.
09:36One, coming in, two, sitting down,
09:38and three, I don't like your attitude.
09:40You can't do that.
09:42Not only is it a violation of California state law,
09:44it flies directly in the face
09:46of Cheesecake Factory policy.
09:48Yeah, I know. There's a new policy.
09:50No shoes, no shirt, no Sheldon.
09:52I bet we could sell that sign
09:54all over Pasadena.
10:00Ooh.
10:02Hello.
10:06Time to do your laundry, huh?
10:08Saturday night.
10:10Saturday is laundry night.
10:12I know.
10:14Every Saturday at 8.15.
10:16Easy to anticipate.
10:22What are you implying?
10:24I'm implying that you're a creature of habit.
10:26And if something were to prevent you
10:28from doing your laundry on Saturday at 8.15,
10:30you might find it...
10:32unpleasant.
10:36Okay.
10:40Knuckle under my ass.
10:50Oh, no.
10:52Are all the machines taken?
10:56What are you gonna do?
10:58No problem.
11:00I'll just...
11:02do my laundry another night.
11:05Another night?
11:07Well, I guess you can try,
11:09but deep inside your heart,
11:11you'll know that laundry night
11:13is always Saturday night.
11:19Woman, you are playing with forces
11:21beyond your ken.
11:23Yeah, well, your ken
11:25can kiss my Barbie.
11:27Uh-oh.
11:29What?
11:31I was going to get my mail.
11:34Are...
11:36Are you hoping to get it telepathically?
11:38I think you mean telekinetically.
11:42And no.
11:44I just wasn't sure of the proper protocol
11:46now that you and Leonard are no longer having coitus.
11:48Oh, God.
11:50Can we please just say no longer seeing each other?
11:52Well, we could if it were true.
11:54But as you live in the same building,
11:56you see each other all the time.
11:58The variable which has changed is the coitus.
12:00Okay, here's the protocol.
12:02You and I are still friends,
12:04and you stop saying coitus.
12:06Good.
12:08I'm glad we're still friends.
12:10Really?
12:12Oh, yes.
12:14It was a lot of work to accommodate you in my life.
12:16I'd hate for that effort to have been in vain.
12:18Great.
12:20Just to be clear,
12:22do I have to stop saying coitus with everyone
12:24or just you?
12:26Everyone.
12:28Do you go on many dates?
12:31What?
12:33Your characterization
12:35of approximately 171 different men
12:37is a few.
12:39What?
12:41Where did you get 171 men?
12:43Simple extrapolation.
12:45In the three years that I've known you,
12:47you were single for two.
12:49During that time,
12:51I saw 17 different suitors.
12:53If we work backwards,
12:55correcting for observation bias
12:57and postulate an initial dating age of 15...
13:00No, wait, wait, wait.
13:02I did not start dating at 15.
13:04I'm sorry, 16?
13:0614.
13:08My mistake.
13:10Now, assuming the left side of a bell curve
13:12peaking around the present,
13:14that would bring the total up to
13:16193 men,
13:18plus or minus eight men.
13:20Remarkable.
13:22Did you have sexual intercourse
13:24with all of these men?
13:26No.
13:28Plus the number of awkward encounters I've had
13:30with strange men leaving her apartment
13:32in the morning,
13:34plus the number of times she's returned home
13:36wearing the same clothes she wore the night before.
13:38Okay, Sheldon, I think you've made your point.
13:40So we multiply 193
13:42minus 21 men before the loss of virginity,
13:44so 172 times .18
13:46gives us
13:4830.96 sexual partners.
13:50Let's round that up to 31.
13:52Okay, Sheldon,
13:54you are so wrong.
13:57That is not even close to the real number.
13:59I'm gonna need a drink over here.
14:01We're home.
14:03It's 10 o'clock.
14:05Where have you been?
14:07We stayed for the California Adventure Water Show.
14:09It was pure Disney magic.
14:11I was gonna see that with him.
14:13How was I supposed to know that?
14:15It's all right. I'll see it again with you.
14:17And I have food here.
14:19You said you were gonna call.
14:21I know, I know.
14:23I can still eat.
14:26Okay, but
14:28just don't fight.
14:30We're not fighting.
14:32Just go.
14:34Aren't you gonna thank Penny
14:36for taking you to Disneyland?
14:38Thank you, Penny.
14:40Consider this unlikely
14:42but very plausible scenario.
14:44A young woman alone in the big city.
14:46Her ridiculous dream
14:48of becoming an actress lies shattered about her.
14:50Hey, wait a minute.
14:52Hang on. Let's see where he's going.
14:55Then it hits her.
14:57How is she going to survive?
14:59But she has no prospects,
15:01no marketable skills.
15:03And then one day,
15:05she meets a group of geniuses
15:07and their friend Howard.
15:09Hey, I...
15:11Hang on. Let's see where he's going.
15:13She befriends them
15:15and then lies in wait
15:17until they reveal a marketable idea
15:19which she steals and sells
15:21to the highest bidder.
15:23Oh, is it? Let's see you come up with an explanation
15:25as to why this woman hangs out with us all the time.
15:31Okay, you know what?
15:33I've already mooched dinner off you guys.
15:35I don't need to listen to this.
15:37What's going on?
15:39Nothing's going on. Excuse me.
15:41Are you just getting home?
15:43Yeah.
15:45That's a good sign, right?
15:47Oh, yeah.
15:49I'm so proud of you!
15:52No, I didn't do it for the money.
15:54She stiffed you?
15:56I believe that's what your roommate
15:58did to her.
16:00What?
16:02Again, read the book we gave you.
16:04Where's your heart rate monitor?
16:06I don't have one.
16:08What about your pedometer?
16:10Don't have one.
16:12Do you have telematics in your shoes
16:14connected to an iPod?
16:16Uh, no.
16:18What do you do?
16:21Why are you doing that?
16:23It's good to stretch your muscles before you run.
16:25Alright.
16:27Alright, let's start with a toe touch.
16:37Okay, you do it.
16:39I am doing it.
16:41Oh, wow.
16:43Good job.
16:45Okay, um, can you do this?
16:47We'll never know.
16:49Okay, let's just, uh, warm up on the run.
16:51Okay.
16:53Okay, let's go.
16:55Yeah, I've been reading up on biomechanics.
16:57I think you'll be surprised.
16:59Oh!
17:01Oh, my God, are you okay?
17:03I think so.
17:05Let me help you up.
17:09Oh, Sheldon!
17:11If it makes you feel any better,
17:13Thursday is no longer cruciferous vegetables.
17:16Hey, you don't need Leonard and his app.
17:18You can make one with me.
17:20With you?
17:22Seriously, I have a great idea for one.
17:24Is it better than your idea
17:26to move to Los Angeles
17:28and become a famous actress?
17:30Okay, look.
17:32When you see someone wearing shoes you like,
17:34you just snap a picture of them
17:36and the app goes on the Internet
17:38to find out where you can buy them.
17:40That's your app idea?
17:42You don't like it?
17:45But no, I don't.
17:51Okay, these are Uggs.
17:53These are Crocs.
17:55These are knockoff Manolo Blahniks.
17:57Bored.
17:59Look, you said it yourself.
18:01We have to create a database
18:03before you can write an alga thingy.
18:05Algorithm.
18:07You see, Penny, Alan Turing defines an algorithm.
18:09Bored.
18:11Okay, these are Steve Maddens.
18:13These are Nine West.
18:15These are Target.
18:17Oh, but don't they look like Chanel?
18:19These are Michael Kors.
18:21These are Roxy.
18:23These are Sashell.